The Assassins' Guild - Week 6 News

The Grim Squeaker just spent 20mins trying to sniff out Epsilon less than zero. Which was difficult for two reasons:
Skeletal rats don't have noses,
I'm not entirely sure that negative numbers have a distinctive smell.
Oh well...

This morning, Constable Reg Shoe found out about a terrible crime that had been committed the night before. It is possibly the worst crime the police force has had to deal with in its entire existence !! It was:

Singing Always by Erasure !!!!! (whatever that is)

Yes, for Constant-ble Epsilon less than zero really did this, as hard as it is to believe. As soon as he had found out, Constable Reg Shoe immediately headed off for UNSPECIFIED LOCATION to await the vile singing criminal. He was planning on hiding in a corner until Epsilon less than zero turned up, then get him with UNSPECIFIED AWESOME WEAPON. However, things didn't go to plan as UNSPECIFIED INNOCENT FRIEND showed up also, and Constable Reg Shoe got out of his hiding place and started chatting. Just at that instant (after about 10 seconds of chat) , the law of Random Strategy (law of random strategy: when using random strategy, the most unlikely things will happen) struck! Epsilon less than zero himself showed up !

Suddenly realising that the original randomly-made plan didn't quite work anymore (Reg Shoe no longer hiding behind a corner with UNSPECIFIED AWESOME WEAPON), Reg Shoe took a random weapon from inside his coat and fired it at the negative constant, who quickly became positively dead.

Looting his corpse, Constable Reg Shoe found chocolate. Mmmmmm...


*chocolate smudges on the rest of the report*

Epsilon lies in {people who are probably in that lecture theatre}. It appears, and we will assume, that epsilon lies in the set {people who are staying for the next lecture} => epsilon is a proper mathmo.

Mathmos are better than the average person, and someone to talk to is better than nothing => epsilon > mu > 0 (where mu is the average person).

Therefore Epsilon less than zero cannot be found.

Returning to the problem of finding Epsilon less than zero, Big Mad Drongo begins questioning the initial assumption that there exists epsilon with the desired properties in the set under investigation.

"Brains..." muttered Epsilon less than zero, trying the feel of the word. Then he sighed. "Nope, just can't get into the feel of being a zombie." He glanced down at the walking corpse that he still inhabited "Shouldn't Death have shown up by now?"

*****

The Death of Rats paused and checked the life-timer, shaking its head slightly.
"'Ere, 'e looks like 'e's already dead," said Quoth, landing on the paving stones beside the Grim Squeaker. "Are we late?"
IK EEK
"Wha' do you mean the life-timer says 'e's still got some life in 'im? 'e's dead, plain as I can see! Now get on with it, so I can 'ave 'is eyeballs."
SQUEAK replied the Death of Rats, shrugging. It scurried up to the Zombie and swished its scythe once.
Epsilon less than zero's un-life came to an end, as the reanimated corpse crumpled to the floor.

I did not see Angel, but I did see two furries (woof) and our glorious umpire (woof woof).

Assassins Mao-ing at the pub meet
Oh man! Look at those Badgers go
It's a penalty ca-ah-ah-ard
Take a look at the lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's just gone inco-oh-oh

Is there Life on Mars?

Well, no. But apparently there are ballrooms.

The Death of Rats crept across the marble study floor.
It had gathered a few souls, but not enough. And it didn't seem to be improving at the job.
Eventually it reached the desk and began clambering up one of the table legs. Death's crumpled form still lay on the floor.
The Disc needed the Grim Reaper, not the Grim Squeaker. And so the Death of Rats had called in favours and made some deals with the inhabitants of Dunmanifestin. To do this.
Death's life-timer still stood atop the table.
The Grim Squeaker climbed over the edge of the desk and approached it. The Bone Rat laid its scythe on the ground and then gripped both sides of the black obsidian frame. It pulled up with its skeletal arms, barely managing to lift the life-timer off the surface.
And then, in one smooth movement, it turned to life-timer over.

It took a moment, but the sand began to flow again - the silver grains falling down through the neck of the glass.
Below the desk there was a noise, before Death slowly reassembled himself. The robe floated off the floor, the skull tucked itself back within the hood, the ribs reconnected to the spine and then The Slayer of Kings settled himself back into his chair.
AH. THANK-YOU.
The Death of Rats picked up its scythe and nodded.
"'ere, you can't do that!" Quoth flapped down from the rafters, landing beside the Death of Rats. "It's against the rules!"
INDEED replied Death. BUT IT WAS NECESSARY.
Quoth flapped his wings. "Well, it's not like I ain't glad to see you back. I mean, he was a terrible job," the raven said, indicating the Death of Rats.
IT DOESN'T MATTER. WE HAVE A MORE URGENT PROBLEM. He reached down and picked his scythe off the floor.
SQUEAK?
WHILE I WAS... GONE, I SAW... Death paused and seemed to shake himself slightly. THE DUNGEON DIMENSIONS HAVE BEEN FRACTURED. A HOLE TORN IN REALITY. AND SOMETHING FROM BEYOND IS COMING THROUGH.
"Beyond the Dungeon Dimensions? Where's that then?" asked Quoth.
IT IS DIFFICULT TO DESCRIBE. ACCEPT, IF YOU WILL, THAT THERE ARE THINGS WORSE THAN THE DENIZENS OF THAT REALM. Death grabbed a piece of paper and began writing a note. AND WE CANNOT INTERFERE.
"How can we do anything then?"
YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME, replied Death as he finished the note. WE CANNOT INTERFERE. He indicated himself and the Death of Rats. YOU CAN.
"Oh boy..."
Death held out the note. YOU MUST DELIVER THIS TO THE ARCHCHANCELLOR OF THE UNSEEN UNIVERSITY. HE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
"I better be getting an awful lot of eyeballs out of this..." muttered Quoth, taking the note and flying from the table.
Three words were written on the piece of paper.

The Darkness comes...

Reg Shoe has finally been able to use his new awesome random weapon. For indeed, the incompetent Cheery Littlebottom was having lunch. What better way to kill some one having lunch than like this?

The Tale of Peter Rabbit

(or The Horribly Long Report with the Extremely
Inefficient Writing Style)





Once upon a time, there were 4 little rabbits, and their names were Flopsy,
Mopsy, Cottontail and Peter. They lived with their mother in a sand bank,
underneath the root of a big fir tree.

'Now my dears,' said old Mrs. Rabbit one morning, 'you may go into the
fields or down the lane, but don't go into Mr. McGregor's garden: your
Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.' 'Now
run along, and don't get into mischief. I am going out.'

Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail, who were good little bunnies, went down the
lane to gather blackberries. But Peter, who was very naughty, ran straight
away to Mr. McGregor's garden, and squeezed under the gate!

Unfortunately for him, who should he meet there, but Mr McGregor! Mr.
McGregor was on his hands and knees laying out traps, but he jumped up and
ran after Peter, waving a rubber-band gun and calling out, 'Stop assassin!'

Peter was most dreadfully frightened, and ran on four legs and went faster,
trying to get away. He slipped underneath the gate, and was at last in the
wood outside the garden. However, he still wasn't safe since Mr McGregor
was a good assassin, and didn't let his enemies get away that easily. He
chased after Peter Rabbit with a CPS.

Peter Rabbit ran past his sisters Flopsy Mopsy and Cottontail, who were
still gathering blackberries. As they turned around to see why Peter Rabbit
was running so, Mr McGregor, not being able to tell one rabbit from
another, shot them before they had time to react. Blood went everywhere,
spattering Peter rabbit's nice clean fur. As horrible as this was, Peter
Rabbit had to ignore this, and kept on running. Then who should he come
across but his mother, coming home down the lane from the baker's.

"Why are you running like that? Come back here you horrible little...
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! NOOOOOO... ". Those were the last words he would ever hear
his mother say.

Just as he thought all hope was lost, there was a flash of blue light, and
out of nowhere, came a strange figure. From what he could tell in the
blinding glare, it looked like a male adult rabbit, standing inside a box.
In his hand, was a spoon, which he threw expertly at Mr MrGregor, emerging
from around a tree. It hit him directly in the forehead, and pierced
through the skull. Bits of brain flew everywhere, and Mr McGregor crumpled
over, dead. Wanting to thank his mysterious saviour, Peter Rabbit turned
around but there was another blue flash and he was gone, as quickly as he
had come.



Now Peter Rabbit was terribly distressed, having just witnessed the murder
of his entire family. What was worse was that it was because of him, Peter
Rabbit, that they were dead. He wished he could have been killed with the
rest of them, but the mysterious stranger obviously wanted him alive. Soon,
his sorrow turned to bitterness, and then to anger, until finally he swore
revenge on all of humanity.

First things first, he needed a place to stay so that he could be fed and
watered, and kept away from nasty foxes. He soon found a place: the home of
a small toddler (known only by the name Random Strategy). He managed to get
offered a job there as an entertainer for the child. For the next few
years, he was known as "the acrobatic bunny" and spent his daytime doing
difficult somersaults through the air in front of Random Strategy. At night
however, he would start practising killing techniques. At first, he was not
very good, but once he discovered the existence of Monty Python, he started
trying to imitate their bunny. He watched the Monty Python bunny hundreds
of times, practising all its techniques over and over again, until he had
mastered the art of slaying.

One dark night of 1999, as he was going over a particularly vicious move
involving a spoon, the strange blue light appeared again. A cardboard box
appeared in the middle of the room, which had the words "time machine"
scrawled on one side. Out of it stepped, not the same bunny as last time,
but a male human. Peter Rabbit quickly identified him as an older version
of Random Strategy.

"Has it worked this time?" Random Strategy asked, "what's the date?" Peter
Rabbit told him the date, and Random Strategy jumped up in joy and shouted
"Yes! I have succeeded! The random time machine has brought me back in time
12 years! Muahahahaha!!!" After this, Peter Rabbit had a discussion with
Random Strategy, and it appeared that he was from the year 2011 and had
joined a mysterious organisation called 'the assassin's guild' and was
currently called Constable Reg Shoe. Feeling that this was the perfect job
for him, Peter Rabbit asked if he could become Reg Shoe's associate, and he
agreed. Unbeknowest of Peter Rabbit, the younger Random Strategy had been
woken by the noise, and was now spying on them. Overhearing this
conversation showed Random Strategy that it was his destiny to become an
assassin. This was the cause of his joining the assassin's guild in the
first place, although, being utterly lazy, he never bothered to train like
Peter Rabbit did.



Unfortunately, the Time Machine was random, so there did not appear to be
an easy way back to Reg Shoe's present. At this point, Peter Rabbit
mentioned the mysterious stranger who had come to rescue him all those
years ago, and Constable Reg Shoe agreed that Peter Rabbit had to use the
time machine to go back there: "Don't worry, random strategy always gets
you somewhen in the end!" Peter Rabbit grabbed the nearest weapon available
(the spoon he had been training with), got in the time machine, and pressed
the big red button (which said "do no press").

No sooner had he done so that he found himself back in the forest, with his
younger self running around in front of him. He had reached exactly the
right point in time, and on his first try too! Evidently this was due to
his use of random strategy... Seeing the shadow of Mr McGregor emerging
from behind some trees, Peter Rabbit threw the spoon at him, using his long
hard years of killer bunny training. Just as before, it hit Mr McGregor who
was instantly dead. Not wanting to cause paradoxes, Peter Rabbit quickly
pressed the big red button again, and found himself exactly where he wanted
to be: in Reg Shoe's present, moments after the time machine had been
tested for the first time: the 24th February 2011.

However, Peter rabbit noticed something strange: a second time machine was
in the room. After a few hours, Reg Shoe walked in, then looked surprised
at the sight of Peter Rabbit. He had apparently time travelled for the
first time 4 hours, 18 minutes ago, and had arrived here just 4 hours, 16
minutes ago. He had been confused as to what the date it was and thought it
was the 26th January, for some obscure reason. However, it was quickly
decided (by Internet search) that that day was indeed the 24th February.

A few days later, on the 5th March, Reg Shoe left once more in the time
machine, to see whether it did actually work or not. He didn't come back
until 2 days later, where he revealed that he had just gone back 12 years,
and had been fooled into giving a Peter Rabbit his time machine. Not having
any way to get back, he had started repetitively hitting Cheery Littlebottom with a spoon to pass the time, until Cheery Littlebottom
finally died that very lunchtime (this was the 5th of March remember).



Now that Peter Rabbit and Constable Reg Shoe were associate assassins, and
all possible time paradoxes having been avoided, Peter Rabbit believed that
he should get his share of action so that he could demonstrate his fighting
skills. He renamed himself "Killer bunny" as he believed that this was
scarier than "Peter Rabbit" or "Acrobatic bunny". Reg Shoe ignored all this
and continued applying random strategy as before (ie: walking around
aimlessly). Sure enough, as he was going to get his bike, Peter Rabbit
safely waiting in his pocket, Reg Shoe suddenly realised that he had
forgotten something. Turning back, he met the incompetent Paperwork
Inspector Inn-Sewer-Ants paid off. Peter Rabbit couldn't resist the
opportunity, and lunged at her, venting off some of his hatred of humanity.

As Peter Rabbit rightly points out, Reg Shoe (with Peter Rabbit's help) has
now killed off all his political opponents and thus is allowed to name
himself 'Random Prime of UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE'. But that's not enough,
Peter Rabbit wants more, he isn't content with remaining 'Chief adviser
to the Random Prime of UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE' (his current title). No, he
wants to become ruler of the world so that he can kill all humans!

With THE DARKNESS rising, and many of the police force too incompetent to
do anything about it (including the current chief of police :) ), who knows
what Peter Rabbit will do next so as to seize power?



Moral of the story is: 'These assassins are crazy !'. Alternatively, 'Never
write a story involving Peter Rabbit, assassins and time travel.'

Following Unspecified_Musical_Event, Commander Samuel Vimes and I realised that we had been acting more like musicians than assassins over the past few days- and you really don't want the Musicians' Guild thinking that you're taking their business, especially if you play the piccolo!

So, we decided that the "student accommodation" shared by Rincewind and Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite would be a good place for a hunt. Entry was easy, but Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite proved not to be in. At Rincewind's room, we were more successful- our target was working (a student? working? this never happened in my day!), and barely noticed our entry until it was too late. With his dying words, Rincewind told us that Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite was in her neighbour's room- we burst in there, and after a brief episode of mistaken identity killed her too.

Unfortunately for poor Urglefloggah, when he trapped Reg Shoe in hell, he forgot about Peter Rabbit. Once Reg Shoe had realised he had been tricked, he contacted his trusty minion, who set off for the gates of hell immediately. When Peter got there, he saw Urglefloggah relaxed and remarkably unparanoid. Evidently he thought that with Reg Shoe in hell, he was in no great danger.

But Peter Rabbit was a sneaky little rodent, and when Urglefloggah strolled into hell on a routine inspection, Peter managed to steal his keys, then escape and lock the gateway behind him. Now Urglefloggah was also trapped in hell...

Peter Rabbit (with a little help from Blind Io) then managed to get Reg Shoe out of hell.