The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

At around 1pm I went to lurk outside my target Lord Walrus's lecture theatre, hoping to see her emerge. Sure enough, she walked out of the building, but before I could confirm it was her she vanished as quickly as she'd arrived, into a faculty building. Rather than risk revealing myself as an assassin in a (possibly) out of bounds area, I decided to withdraw, returning two hours later after she left her next lecture. This time I was not so hesitant, chasing after her and brutally stabbing her in the back.

What joy! These dastardly deuterostomes are killing each other as well! Still, I must not be distracted. The Admiral has sent me word of my next target, one Chocolate Panda. I'm led to believe he came looking for me previously - of course my base was well-defended, so it was of no consequence. Either way, I wasn't there at the time. I had it on good authority that he would be ascending a particular set of stairs in [Unspecified College] at or around 5pm, and so set up my watch. For thirty minutes the villain refused to arrive (or, if I have underestimated him, slipped through my net). Either he's onto me, or he's forgetful. Who knows. Disgruntled at a failed attempt, I slipped off into the night - but no matter. I will have blood, Chocolate Panda. I will have blood.

Earlier this evening, I, Velijan Effendi, decided to try to slay The Loathsome Lemon, hoping that I might catch him on his way to hall. The door was locked (most inconsiderate, I thought!) so I stood at the entrance of his building waiting...and waiting...and waiting. After about 40 minutes I took flight, as I noticed that there was now a porter on the prowl.

My moment will come though...

Feeling the pressure of incompetence deadline looming I emerged from the after dark to seek out Asprango of [COLLEGE-REDACTED]. Pistol in hand I knocked on his door only to receive no response. Hearing noises from the nearby bathroom I hid in the nearest kitchen in case Asprango was to emerge, but no such luck. Oh well, another dot keeps moving...for now.

After reading the threatening messages detailing the incobash on sunday I decided it was high time to make an attempt. So off I went to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to find Justin Bieber, one of my targets. Alas, he was either not in or wise to my attempt and refused to open the door. I shall try again soon...

Having run out of other ways to waste my time, I decided to make an attempt on the life of my target and took with me the Corpse of a fellow assassin and the Foreigner, a feral street child we two found and raised for nefarious purposes. The streets were dark, the shadows looming long and as we entered the designated fortress the sinister sound of casual conversation could be clearly heard. We were afeared, but strode onwards to our destination only to find our target The Random Variable missing from his quarters, his corridor silent. Dejected, we made to leave, only to be passed by the target, cleverly protected by an innocent bystander, but upon making haste towards his were betrayed by his spouse and protective manservants, all armed and dangerous. Outnumbered, we retreated, although the betrayer did let us into another target's building only to find that he, too was missing. Conspiracies evidently afoot, we slunk back through the shadows, to return at a later date.

Refreshed and freshly murderous, I returned alone to The Random Variable's abode, plans made to gain the assistance of another inhabitant; however the lure of caffeinated substances could not draw him from his quarters and I once again retreated unsatisfied. Perhaps he is still barricaded in his room, who knows?

Mission aborted... for now.

After bravely scouring the seven seas for the illustrious Trillian this evening, my efforts were cut short by the curious placement of a shut door between my person and the threshold of the enemy.

I continue to haunt the corridors of [COLLEGE-REDCATED] and warn my target that a cutless awaits their wrong turn.

Captain Funtimes.

This 'ere Ferruginous Pygmy Owl left his bower in the tree in Market Square to make an assassination attempt tonight. He searched for So-tea-rios Johnson in hopeful lurking spots, but was ultimately unsuccessful. Darn his feathers! 10:45pm - leaving of tree for nocturnal hunt 11:00pm - arrival at hunting spot 11:10pm - wavering of hunting spirit 11:20pm - collapse of hunting spirit and return to roost.

Such was the attempt. Next time, 'twill be the kill. Screech!

Having an almost free day I decided that time to kill has come. Time to kill Asprango has come I would say. Thou he was not home, so I probably was wrong and it was time to kill someone else...

Fans of East Coast America Breakfast Morning Radio Shows rejoice! So-tea-rios Johnson has ventured to the quaint little village of Cambridge-England to bring you the content you demand! Interviews and documentary features of real-life assassins stalking the ivory towers of this insignificant university!

My contact on the inside, calling himself only "The Autoumpire", suggested an ideal first interviewee would be Dranoel. Venturing to his humble abode, with my dancing shoes packed just in case there happened to be an all-night disco, there appeared to be a spot of wind. I hung around this assassin's listed address with my production team for a while, but it seemed he wasn't going to show up. Which didn't surprise us, as we didn't exactly contact him asking for an 'interview' in any case. And sound checks in those gale-force winds were hardly giving any recording quality at all, so we departed for our hotel suite. Stay tuned folks. So-tea-rios, out.

Dispatch: Captain Stabby to [NAME-REDACTED]

While meditating in my accommodation at [LOCATION-REDACTED] on my ill luck against the fiendish Impaler, I heard a knock on my door. Looking outside, I spotted a young dandy wielding a [WEAPON-REDACTED]- a fine choice of weapon indeed. Nevertheless, it marked him out as an assassin, no doubt hired by the fiendish Romanian to remove me from his trail (or perhaps even the man himself in one of his many disguises- one can never be certain.). He claimed his name was Frab and he had payment of some kind for me (a bribe from the Voivode, perhaps?), but after I arranged for the safe deposit of the funds with an Officer of the Peace of my acquaintance, the mysterious gentleman opened fire on my person. A prolonged standoff later and he fled- but not before I clipped him in the arm.

As the would-be murderer escaped I caught a glimpse of his assistant. To my horror, it seemed he was a traitor from inside [LOCATION-REDACTED]. I shall have to move, and soon. I subsequently passed him alone, but if he recognised me, he gave no sign.

Some several hours later, after a pleasing peaceful [MEAL-REDACTED] I heard a further knock on the door. Had these scoundrels returned, I wondered? It seemed Vlad had been disappointed by his subordinates failings, for I saw two entirely new assailants- The Random Variable and Richard Carlton, similarly well armed (perhaps [WEAPON-REDACTED] is a common choice for the Walachian's agents) infiltrating the kitchens.

Suspecting a poisoning was on the cards, I cornered them there. They made a break for the garage by way of a window, and a long firefight ensued. Eventually a ceasefire was called (one of my assailants had lost a [PERSONAL-ITEM-REDACTED] and wished to search for it; I felt it unnecessary to remind him that had my aim been better he would have lost far more besides) and we parted without further violence and on [ADJECTIVE-REDACTED] terms.

Nevertheless, I shall have to investigate these minions of Tepes' more closely. They may yet be my best hope at finding a way into his lair.

Tonight my accomplice and I visited the quarters of my target Captain Stabby. We knocked, and heard the ominous loading and clicking of many guns. Hastening to a nearby kitchen, we lay in wait. Unfortunately we ended up trapped in the kitchen, making sheepish, gunpoint chit-chat with Captain Stabby and his civilian friend through a glass door. Neither party could advance without ensuring their own demise - eventually my friend and I defenestrated into a carpark. Captain Stabby pursued, and a gun-fight in the empty carpark followed: some knives were also thrown on my part. I soon became distracted however by the realisation that I had dropped my wallet somewhere in the darkness. Downing my weapons, I appealed to my erstwhile victim to be allowed to look for it in peace, on the proviso that I would leave him well alone in the future. He and his companion kindly laid down their weapons, fetched torches, and helped me search. In the end it turned out that the wallet was all along in my friend's room back at college - I apologised, thanked the gentlemen for their help and was on my way. How embarrassing.

Unfortunately (or fortunately for him), Richard Carlton called when Harry Lime was out. An attempt on the life of The Loathsome Lemon was also unsuccessful, as prowling through college groups attracted suspicion, and all the staircase doors were locked.

It being too windy to go for a bike ride, I decided this afternoon to have another crack at assassinating somebody. Richard Carlton was a convenient target, so I made for [COLLEGE-REDACTED], stopping only to load my RBG before heading for his staircase.

I climbed the stairs cautiously, gun tucked under my arm. Walking into the kitchen on his corridor, I found a neighbour of his, who lied heroically about his whereabouts.

He had not been so careful; leaving the kitchen, I noticed that his door was wide open. His neighbour shouted a warning and he grabbed a Nerf gun from his desk, but by then it was too late - I shot him four times and apologised to his thoroughly magnanimous corpse.

Wark wark wark wark wark!!!!!!!

I decided that time was come, and I should do something about all these ruffians out prowling the streets so dangerously. Thus, I decided to don my finery and have a good old fashioned lecture-stalking. Alas, whilst I had arrived at the correct place, twas not the correct time, and my prey was not there. I curse UNSPECIFIED SUBJECT's broadness in offering so many courses from which to choose,

Agnaowt.