Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Wednesday, 2 February

[05:00 AM] Welcome to Week 2

This is the week. Now, you must decide to either play or become a shameful 'incompetent'.

If you have managed to survive this far, relax for a brief moment and enjoy this picture of the two ferocious dogs who will be unleashed to hunt the incompetents:
Picture of two hungry, ferocious dogs

[08:00 AM] Vlad the Impaler conquers Luke Robins (a.k.a. Death)
Death reports:

Death sat at his desk, his bony fingers steepled, and waited for Albert to bring him his cup of tea. In the meantime, he considered the small creature in front of him.
The Death of Rats was scribbling frantically on a piece of paper with a pencil nearly as tall as it was. Every now and then it would glance upwards to gesture with equal vigour. Death slowly nodded.
A black raven swooped down to the table, deliberately landing in the way of the Death of Rats' pencil.
"Squawrk! I'm glad you can. Just looks like a bunch of spirals to me. Except for that bit which looks like an eyeball." The raven pecked at it hopefully.
Death gently pushed the raven out the way, allowing the Death of Rats to continue. It drew two more spirals, and then used the tail end of the last spiral to cross out the entire diagram. It then dropped the pencil and turned to look at Death.
"Squawrk! 'Ow does that work then?"
The Death of Rats cocked its head. SQUEAK?
NO. NOT I. I... WILL NOT BE ABLE TO. He looked up again. AH. AT LAST.
A cup of tea was placed on the table, forcing the Death of Rats to scamper out of the way (EEK!). "Your tea, Master."
Death lifted the cup up, took a single sip, and then casually dropped it to the floor.
The cup smashed on impact, the tea spilling out onto the marble tiles.
"No. I'm not." The figure moved round to behind him. "And you are not a maiden in a white dress."
The two blue lights within Death's eye-sockets winked out for a moment, as he slowly blinked. He drew out a time-turned from within his robes. A black obsidian frame, engraved with skulls and bones, held the crystal glass turner. Within the turner, a few last silver grains of sand teetered over the edge. AS YOU CAN SEE, I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
Vlad the Impaler permitted himself the briefest of smiles. "And yet, you did nothing?" A burning ball of blood-red magic formed in his right hand.
A grain fell through the turner.
Vlad raised an eyebrow, as he shaped the blood-red energy into a stake. "I doubt that it matters. It will make no difference to the coming moments." Another silver grain fell.
Vlad leant forwards and picked up Death's scythe with his spare hand. He considered it for a moment. "Everyone dies eventually. And you are the Reaper. But without you... No-one to collect the souls. No-one to harvest the dead. Allowing me to harvest those poor souls for myself."
He pulled himself back, his right hand gripping the burning stake.
The last silver grain of sand teetered on the rim of the turner.
Beneath the table, the Death of Rats stared up at the unfolding scene.
The grain fell-
-and Vlad the Impaler impaled Death himself.
Death's crippled form crumpled from the chair, keeling forwards to strike the floor. But he died smiling.
After all, he's got a skull for a face. What did you expect?

[13:00 PM] Zeno blows Zoe Asquith (a.k.a. Lord Walrus)'s mind
Zeno reports:

At around 1pm I went to lurk outside my target Lord Walrus's lecture theatre, hoping to see her emerge. Sure enough, she walked out of the building, but before I could confirm it was her she vanished as quickly as she'd arrived, into a faculty building. Rather than risk revealing myself as an assassin in a (possibly) out of bounds area, I decided to withdraw, returning two hours later after she left her next lecture. This time I was not so hesitant, chasing after her and brutally stabbing her in the back.

[14:00 PM] Abdulah Fawaz (a.k.a. Shawty) is cut down by Miley

[17:00 PM] Captain Cephalopod extends his hatred of vertebrate to sweet Chocolate Pandas
Captain Cephalopod reports:

What joy! These dastardly deuterostomes are killing each other as well! Still, I must not be distracted. The Admiral has sent me word of my next target, one Chocolate Panda. I'm led to believe he came looking for me previously - of course my base was well-defended, so it was of no consequence. Either way, I wasn't there at the time. I had it on good authority that he would be ascending a particular set of stairs in [Unspecified College] at or around 5pm, and so set up my watch. For thirty minutes the villain refused to arrive (or, if I have underestimated him, slipped through my net). Either he's onto me, or he's forgetful. Who knows. Disgruntled at a failed attempt, I slipped off into the night - but no matter. I will have blood, Chocolate Panda. I will have blood.

[19:30 PM] The Loathsome Lemon lays low, leaving Velijan Effendi let down
Velijan Effendi reports:

Earlier this evening, I, Velijan Effendi, decided to try to slay The Loathsome Lemon, hoping that I might catch him on his way to hall. The door was locked (most inconsiderate, I thought!) so I stood at the entrance of his building waiting...and waiting...and waiting. After about 40 minutes I took flight, as I noticed that there was now a porter on the prowl.

My moment will come though...

[20:00 PM] Harry Lime searches for Asprango
Harry Lime reports:

Feeling the pressure of incompetence deadline looming I emerged from the after dark to seek out Asprango of [COLLEGE-REDACTED]. Pistol in hand I knocked on his door only to receive no response. Hearing noises from the nearby bathroom I hid in the nearest kitchen in case Asprango was to emerge, but no such luck. Oh well, another dot keeps moving...for now.

Thursday, 3 February

[12:00 PM] Samuel Vimes laments on the apparent disappearance of criminals
Samuel Vimes reports:

Curse that business in Uberwald! I turn my back on this city for a second and the scoundrels vanish off the edge of the Disc as if eaten by the luggage...

[12:00 PM] Katalya needs somebody to love and searches for Justin Bieber
Katalya reports:

After reading the threatening messages detailing the incobash on sunday I decided it was high time to make an attempt. So off I went to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to find Justin Bieber, one of my targets. Alas, he was either not in or wise to my attempt and refused to open the door. I shall try again soon...

[15:00 PM] Daddio can't locate The Random Variable
Daddio reports:

Having run out of other ways to waste my time, I decided to make an attempt on the life of my target and took with me the Corpse of a fellow assassin and the Foreigner, a feral street child we two found and raised for nefarious purposes. The streets were dark, the shadows looming long and as we entered the designated fortress the sinister sound of casual conversation could be clearly heard. We were afeared, but strode onwards to our destination only to find our target The Random Variable missing from his quarters, his corridor silent. Dejected, we made to leave, only to be passed by the target, cleverly protected by an innocent bystander, but upon making haste towards his were betrayed by his spouse and protective manservants, all armed and dangerous. Outnumbered, we retreated, although the betrayer did let us into another target's building only to find that he, too was missing. Conspiracies evidently afoot, we slunk back through the shadows, to return at a later date.

Refreshed and freshly murderous, I returned alone to The Random Variable's abode, plans made to gain the assistance of another inhabitant; however the lure of caffeinated substances could not draw him from his quarters and I once again retreated unsatisfied. Perhaps he is still barricaded in his room, who knows?

Mission aborted... for now.

[21:00 PM] Captain Funtimes sends a friendly warning to Trillian
Captain Funtimes reports:

After bravely scouring the seven seas for the illustrious Trillian this evening, my efforts were cut short by the curious placement of a shut door between my person and the threshold of the enemy.

I continue to haunt the corridors of [COLLEGE-REDCATED] and warn my target that a cutless awaits their wrong turn.

Captain Funtimes.

[23:00 PM] A Ferruginous Pygmy-owl soars but fails to catch a glimpse of So-tea-rios Johnson
A Ferruginous Pygmy-owl reports:

This 'ere Ferruginous Pygmy Owl left his bower in the tree in Market Square to make an assassination attempt tonight. He searched for So-tea-rios Johnson in hopeful lurking spots, but was ultimately unsuccessful. Darn his feathers! 10:45pm - leaving of tree for nocturnal hunt 11:00pm - arrival at hunting spot 11:10pm - wavering of hunting spirit 11:20pm - collapse of hunting spirit and return to roost.

Such was the attempt. Next time, 'twill be the kill. Screech!

Friday, 4 February

[10:48 AM] This pseudonym has thirty two letters finds Asprango out
This pseudonym has thirty two letters reports:

Having an almost free day I decided that time to kill has come. Time to kill Asprango has come I would say. Thou he was not home, so I probably was wrong and it was time to kill someone else...

[13:00 PM] Aneurin John (Nye) Redman White (a.k.a. 3rd person future conditional) is now history. Vlad the Impaler strike him down

[14:10 PM] So-tea-rios Johnson tries to catch Dranoel but finds Flatulus is messing with him
So-tea-rios Johnson reports:

Fans of East Coast America Breakfast Morning Radio Shows rejoice! So-tea-rios Johnson has ventured to the quaint little village of Cambridge-England to bring you the content you demand! Interviews and documentary features of real-life assassins stalking the ivory towers of this insignificant university!

My contact on the inside, calling himself only "The Autoumpire", suggested an ideal first interviewee would be Dranoel. Venturing to his humble abode, with my dancing shoes packed just in case there happened to be an all-night disco, there appeared to be a spot of wind. I hung around this assassin's listed address with my production team for a while, but it seemed he wasn't going to show up. Which didn't surprise us, as we didn't exactly contact him asking for an 'interview' in any case. And sound checks in those gale-force winds were hardly giving any recording quality at all, so we departed for our hotel suite. Stay tuned folks. So-tea-rios, out.

[17:25 PM] Captain Stabby fights the ongoing siege of Frab, The Random Variable and Richard Carlton
Captain Stabby reports:

Dispatch: Captain Stabby to [NAME-REDACTED]

While meditating in my accommodation at [LOCATION-REDACTED] on my ill luck against the fiendish Impaler, I heard a knock on my door. Looking outside, I spotted a young dandy wielding a [WEAPON-REDACTED]- a fine choice of weapon indeed. Nevertheless, it marked him out as an assassin, no doubt hired by the fiendish Romanian to remove me from his trail (or perhaps even the man himself in one of his many disguises- one can never be certain.). He claimed his name was Frab and he had payment of some kind for me (a bribe from the Voivode, perhaps?), but after I arranged for the safe deposit of the funds with an Officer of the Peace of my acquaintance, the mysterious gentleman opened fire on my person. A prolonged standoff later and he fled- but not before I clipped him in the arm.

As the would-be murderer escaped I caught a glimpse of his assistant. To my horror, it seemed he was a traitor from inside [LOCATION-REDACTED]. I shall have to move, and soon. I subsequently passed him alone, but if he recognised me, he gave no sign.

Some several hours later, after a pleasing peaceful [MEAL-REDACTED] I heard a further knock on the door. Had these scoundrels returned, I wondered? It seemed Vlad had been disappointed by his subordinates failings, for I saw two entirely new assailants- The Random Variable and Richard Carlton, similarly well armed (perhaps [WEAPON-REDACTED] is a common choice for the Walachian's agents) infiltrating the kitchens.

Suspecting a poisoning was on the cards, I cornered them there. They made a break for the garage by way of a window, and a long firefight ensued. Eventually a ceasefire was called (one of my assailants had lost a [PERSONAL-ITEM-REDACTED] and wished to search for it; I felt it unnecessary to remind him that had my aim been better he would have lost far more besides) and we parted without further violence and on [ADJECTIVE-REDACTED] terms.

Nevertheless, I shall have to investigate these minions of Tepes' more closely. They may yet be my best hope at finding a way into his lair.

The Random Variable reports:

Tonight my accomplice and I visited the quarters of my target Captain Stabby. We knocked, and heard the ominous loading and clicking of many guns. Hastening to a nearby kitchen, we lay in wait. Unfortunately we ended up trapped in the kitchen, making sheepish, gunpoint chit-chat with Captain Stabby and his civilian friend through a glass door. Neither party could advance without ensuring their own demise - eventually my friend and I defenestrated into a carpark. Captain Stabby pursued, and a gun-fight in the empty carpark followed: some knives were also thrown on my part. I soon became distracted however by the realisation that I had dropped my wallet somewhere in the darkness. Downing my weapons, I appealed to my erstwhile victim to be allowed to look for it in peace, on the proviso that I would leave him well alone in the future. He and his companion kindly laid down their weapons, fetched torches, and helped me search. In the end it turned out that the wallet was all along in my friend's room back at college - I apologised, thanked the gentlemen for their help and was on my way. How embarrassing.

[19:15 PM] Vlad the Impaler ends Alex Wheatley (a.k.a. Captain Cephalopod)'s bloodthirst for all things spinal

[21:00 PM] Richard Carlton is kept busy trying to catch Harry Lime and The Loathsome Lemon
Richard Carlton reports:

Unfortunately (or fortunately for him), Richard Carlton called when Harry Lime was out. An attempt on the life of The Loathsome Lemon was also unsuccessful, as prowling through college groups attracted suspicion, and all the staircase doors were locked.

Saturday, 5 February

[02:29 AM] Vlad the Impaler strikes at lgbtea but misses his heart. Tea Kew (a.k.a. lgbtea) later dies of a related heart attack

[13:45 PM] The hammer of Blind Io strikes thunder down on Luke Haggerty (a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler)

Luke Haggerty has decided to resign from the game

[14:30 PM] Kippers by Post takes out Peter E Conn (a.k.a. Richard Carlton)
Kippers by Post reports:

It being too windy to go for a bike ride, I decided this afternoon to have another crack at assassinating somebody. Richard Carlton was a convenient target, so I made for [COLLEGE-REDACTED], stopping only to load my RBG before heading for his staircase.

I climbed the stairs cautiously, gun tucked under my arm. Walking into the kitchen on his corridor, I found a neighbour of his, who lied heroically about his whereabouts.

He had not been so careful; leaving the kitchen, I noticed that his door was wide open. His neighbour shouted a warning and he grabbed a Nerf gun from his desk, but by then it was too late - I shot him four times and apologised to his thoroughly magnanimous corpse.

[16:00 PM] Pidgeon swoops in on Lanced Jack nest

Sunday, 6 February

[13:30 PM] Incobash happened! People dying ftw

Lots of people came, lots of dudes died

Otto Chriek kills Dan MacSwiney(a.k.a. MacSwineFlu), Andrew Witty(a.k.a. Dranoel), Yong Jin Jeong (a.k.a Conan) and Nabodit Paudyal (a.k.a. The Bandit)

Reg Shoe kills David Cox (a.k.a. Chocolate Panda)

Chocobo kills Jesse Daley (a.k.a. Dr Henry Jekyll)

The Death of Rats reports:

The Death of Rats swung its scythe angrily at the sight of yet another human corpse. The deceased's soul had already left.
"You're not really managing to do as 'e said, are you?" asked Quoth, flapping his wings as he landed beside the Grim Squeaker. "Death told you to do his job 'n harvest the dead, but Vlad keeps getting there ahead of you!" Taking his opportunity, the raven went about pecking at the corpse's eyeballs. "All 'm sayin' is-" he swallowed "-maybe you oughta move a bit faster?"
"You can't pin the blame on me! It's not my fault that your best transport is a talking raven with a constant craving for eyeballs!"
SQUEAK, replied the Death of Rats, glaring.
"Well maybe we could move a bit faster if I didn't stop to eat at every corpse, but, well, a bird's gotta eat, you know?"
The Grim Squeaker began to advance on the raven, brandishing its scythe menacingly.
"Alright alright! We're going! I'll leave the eyeballs be on the next one!"

Conan reports:

I got shot by an evil assassin with 2 giant water guns. Unfortunately I hadn't had a chance to ask his full name since he left too quickly after killing me. He had a companion who asked one of my friends on the same floor to fool me to open the door.

My life as an assassin faded away with water molecules.

Monday, 7 February

[12:05 PM] Caroline Clark (a.k.a. Twinkle "kills with a chainsaw" Popopo) learns that Chocobos are easily frightened
Chocobo reports:

Wark wark wark wark wark!!!!!!!

Twinkle "kills with a chainsaw" Popopo reports:

One of my targets was cycling slowly in front of me, so I ran after him (yelling "stabby stab")and tried to kill him. He threw a dagger at me before I could get him, then fell off his bike. This all took place in front of our [SUBJECT-REDACTED] lecturer.

[16:30 PM] Daniel Threlfall (a.k.a. Asprango) is distracted and doesn't notice the looming shadow of Otto Chriek

Tuesday, 8 February

[12:00 PM] A gender neutral anagram of "we take" misses an elusive anagram of "Hobo Coc" Hint: Chocobo
A gender neutral anagram of "we take" reports:

I decided that time was come, and I should do something about all these ruffians out prowling the streets so dangerously. Thus, I decided to don my finery and have a good old fashioned lecture-stalking. Alas, whilst I had arrived at the correct place, twas not the correct time, and my prey was not there. I curse UNSPECIFIED SUBJECT's broadness in offering so many courses from which to choose,


[16:00 PM] Twoflower takes a disliking to Vicky Roth (a.k.a. Boy 1だ)
Twoflower reports:

Let it be known that Boy 1だ is dead. I stalked my victim to her room where I gained entrance in a most cunning and devious fashion (by knocking on the door). Once inside I drew my glittering rapier and stabbed her in the heart. "Oh crap!" cried she, in a wretched tone. "Oh, well,I totally expected this"

[16:15 PM] Dr. Facilier lurks for Twinkle "kills with a chainsaw" Popopo

[18:15 PM] Edward Cook (a.k.a. The Village Green Preservation Society) is folded when Uncle Fester becomes head

[19:00 PM] Paper Mario is one game Jordan Brown (a.k.a. Lanced Jack) can't handle

Wednesday, 9 February

[01:30 AM] Duncan Gavin Goudie (a.k.a. Leeroy Jenkins)'s Unholy Warcry attracts the attention of Mustrum Ridcully and Detritus
Mustrum Ridcully reports:

At 1.30 this morning, I noticed Leeroy Jenkins leaving the Mended Drum (aka the Kambar). I motioned to Detritus, and we followed him out. Fortunately, the cold night air sharpened Detritus' wits enough for him to notice the target unlocking some strange velocipede-like contraption- after the statutory 2 minutes were up, I ran after him (all that carrying boats up and down the Ankh proved useful) and stabbed him in the back.
Leeroy Jenkins was clearly insufficiently Paranoid, and should have Run to the Hills when he saw us. Perhaps overcoming his Fear of the Dark earlier and leaving at Two Minutes to Midnight would have saved him, or maybe Creeping Death would have got him anyway. The Strong Arm of the Law caught up with him, he died in a Flash of the Blade, and certainly won't be the Last Man Standing this game.

| Home || Email |
| News 01 || News 03 || News 04 || News 05 || News 06 || Updates || Headlines || police || wanted || inco || stats |
Valid XHTML 1.1