Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Wednesday, 23 February

[05:01 AM] Week 5... (Can't be much longer to go guys)

I can now safely tell you that there a less than 400 players remaining.

In other news, the Umpire lieks turtles:

Picture of 5 turtles which the Umpire approves of...

[09:00 AM] Mrs Cake couldn't forsee her own death by Otto Chriek

[09:45 AM] Reg Shoe takes down the wanted suspect: Carrot Ironfoundersson
Reg Shoe reports:

Date: 23rd February

Time: 9:45


Criminal: Ex-captain Carrot Ironfounderson

Crime: Seen helping the excessively wanted criminal, mass murderer, public enemy number 1, Otto Chriek, at 18:15 on the 19th February. (Also tried killing good citizen Zeno at 16:20 on the 11th February but that's less important)

Method of death: Shot in the heart after he foolishly opened his door in the morning without checking for assassins.

Comments: Constable Reg Shoe used Random Strategy to dispatch this criminal (seeing as it's a really good strategy). Neighbours are friendly to people loitering outside their rooms with guns.

[14:00 PM] Anghammarad gets smashed by Otto Chriek

[19:25 PM] Daniel Gregory Wallace O'Brien (a.k.a. So-tea-rios Johnson a.k.a. Charlie) goes mad at the concept of Ballrooms on Mars
Ballrooms on Mars reports:

Dear Umpire,

I am writing to inform you, that the last unicorn, known as Charlie, is now dead. The fight was long, and he fought bravely. Many nerf darts and rubber band flew and failed, but the steel of my dagger eventually pierced the heart of the unicorn.

Rest in peace, Charlie.

So-tea-rios Johnson reports:

It's a cold world, nobody understands...
Sadly it was only my cuffs I was able to shoot this term. But nevertheless,
the dance goes on forever.

Thursday, 24 February

[12:00 PM] Being incompotent, you really shouldn't do, as Detritus is slain by Policeman Reg Shoe
Reg Shoe reports:

At last! My efforts to construct a time machine were successful! After weeks of dedication, I finally stepped into the cardboard box (with "time machine" written on it) and pressed the big red button which said "do not press". And it worked! I am now at a different point in time. However, the time machine has a brownian motion through time (due to it's reliance on random processes to function) so I didn't know when I had arrived.

So by observation of my surroundings, I attempted to find out what the date was. This proved easy since I discovered that Matt Arran was in my lecture theatre. Once outside the lecture theatre, I stabbed him, proving that today is the first day of the game, the 26th January. Random Strategy is of course successful in getting you to exactly the right time!

Now I can cause I time paradox which will inevitably lead to me winning! Muhahahahaha!


Wait... why are so many people dead? Did I make a mistake and accidently go into the future? Or worse, not moved through time at all? Is my time machine really functioning?

[13:30 PM] Frab is one of the few keen for a Chocolate Biscuit but can't find one anywhere

[14:00 PM] The Librarian is having such a busy day that they didn't even notice about being killed by Kippers by Post
Kippers by Post reports:

It is a sunny, springlike day in [COLLEGE-REDACTED], and The Librarian is talking on his phone.

Kippers by Post (waiting outside staircase with increasingly furious killer dinosaur trapped in a coat pocket): 'Er, The Librarian?'

The Librarian: 'What?'

Kippers (unleashing dinosaur, which rampages obligingly): 'You're dead.'

The Librarian: 'What?'

Kippers: 'Er, you know, like, in Assassins.'

The Librarian: 'Oh.'

The Librarian continues his phone call.
Kippers and the dinosaur go and get cake.

[22:00 PM] Velijan Effendi can't really be tempted by Ballrooms on Mars or a Chocolate Biscuit
Chocolate Biscuit reports:

Like the digestive crumbs that *always* find their way into your last slurp of tea, Chocolate Biscuit sneaked to the home of Velijan Effendi with Ballrooms on Mars. However, he proved to be like biscuits left on a plate in a room of hungry students - there when you last looked, but now mysteriously missing...

Friday, 25 February

[00:02 AM] The Umpire didn't actually forgot to enter a headline
I have no need for a pseudo since I'm going to kill the CoP reports:

Sent from my iPhone

[16:30 PM] Zeno is unfindable to Kippers by Post
Kippers by Post reports:

Went to find Zeno, but he wasn't in. *sad fishy face*

[18:40 PM] The Death of Rats with a Broken Tail spys on Twoflower, but without having a scythe at hand, he's completely without power
The Death of Rats with a Broken Tail reports:

Twoflower was enjoying the meal at the Unseen University. The invite had been somewhat unexpected, and the food was... unusual. And sometimes moved. But it tasted good and the wizards were... interesting company. He wasn't quite sure what he was eating, however...

Suddenly, a small, robed thing caught Twoflower's eye.


The Death of Rats scampered down the table, a miniature life-timer in one boney paw. It paused in front of the appropriate dish and looked up at the be-spectacled foreigner.
"My my," said Twoflower. "What manner of creature are you?"
The Death of Rats stowed away the life-timer and seemed to reach for something... only to discover that, whatever it was, it wasn't there.
It turned and began to scamper away again, but then stopped and nibbled on some of the mince pies on the dish next to Twoflower's. The wizard sitting there was snoring softly, and didn't mind. The Death of Rats then continued running, and vanished among the various piles of food.

1Translation: Dammit! Quoth must have stolen my scythe!

[20:10 PM] The hammer of Blind Io strikes thunder down on The Luggage

Tom Duncan resigns from the game

Saturday, 26 February

[15:30 PM] Hume be seeking Katalya
Hume reports:

At around 15:30pm, I headed to the residence of my target, and long-time Inco, Katalya. After lurking around for 5 or 10 minutes I knocked on his door twice, but unfortunately there was no response. Assuming him to be out, I left, sadly without a kill.

[17:15 PM] Hester Thorneycroft (a.k.a. A Ferruginous Pygmy-owl) by Velijan Effendi's gun did it fall foul
Velijan Effendi reports:

At around 5.15 today, I snuck into A Ferruginous Pygmy-owl's residence after a short wait. I made my way up the stairs, quietly impressed with how the other half live. On finding her floor I looked around for alcoves to hide in, but it wasn't strictly necessary...she had left her door slightly ajar.

I burst in, noticed the spacious proportions of the room, pleasant view and unfairly large bed...and was so overcome with jealous rage that I shot her there on the spot!

We then proceeded to have a delightful conversation about history and international affairs.

A Ferruginous Pygmy-owl reports:

The Ferruginous Pygmy Owl had migrated all the way from Central London today, and the journey had been treacherous and tiring. She fluttered up the stairs, and pulled open the door to her home with her beak. Unknowingly however, it did not close properly behind her (this would have locked the door to her roost). Worn out and rather sleepy, as a diurnal owl would be at this hour, she perched comfortably for a while.

But then she had an idea! What is more waking than killing some voles? One of the voles she believed herself to be a target of was Velijan Effendi. So typing carefully, with her claws, she began to email a wise tawny-owl who probably had useful information. Useful information, such as where this Velijan Effendi lived.

But just as she had typed "Where does Velijan Effendi -", the door to her roost burst open! And there was the cunning vole himself! Armed to the teeth with teeth and claws and a water gun. Prey turned on predator, and the Ferruginous Pygmy Owl fell. She should have closed her door properly really.

Feathers lie everywhere. But the spirit of a Ferruginous Pygmy Owl lives on inside all of us...

Sunday, 27 February

[17:20 PM] Amy Johnson (a.k.a. Katalya) did a no-no, after opening the door to the one called Zeno
Katalya reports:

After having had room balloters knocking on my door all week, I unwittingly opened my door without checking when I heard a knock at 17:20 today. Expecting to see some girl with a notebook, I was met instead by 2 or 3 shots from a rubber band gun, all of which were successful, before I had time to reach for my own gun.

Zeno reports:

Due to the room balloting system in her college, Katalya was more partial than usual to opening her door to unexpected guests, and so received a healthy dose of rubber bands.

[19:00 PM] Norwegian Blue has birthday insanity, which results in the death of Stephanie Leddington (a.k.a. Lady Vanity AKA Envious of Basics Chocolate Digestives)
Norwegian Blue reports:

Despite what many may now think, Lady Vanity is not resting. Nor is she "pining for the fjords". Her face-eating horse of death may have beautiful plumage, but that don't enter into it. She's stone dead. Bleedin' demised. She's not pining, she's passed on. Lady Vanity is no more, she has ceased to be. She's expired and gone to meet her maker. She is a late assassin. She's a stiff, bereft of life, she rests in pieces and is pushing up the daisies! She's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! Envious of Basics Chocolate Digestives is an EX-assassin!!

Lady Vanity reports:

What's the second best birthday present you can give someone? Not killing then, despite all your plots and plans being in place. What's the best birthday present you can give someone? Five days more competence.

And after I carried him home wrapped in clingfilm too. *&!%£

Monday, 28 February

[11:05 AM] It is apparently illegal to send Amelia Penny (a.k.a. Kippers by Post), as Special Constable Trilobite proudly boasts

[13:00 PM] Frab has an encounter with the Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster reports:

Around 1 pm the Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster flew to the unspecified college. The fire was exchanged, Frab was chased out of his room, but no one died.

[15:00 PM] The Hermes Expunger can't locate Frab
The Hermes Expunger reports:

At 15:00 today, a speedy messenger knocked on Frab's door, but to no avail. Frab has been marked for deletion but has yet to be expunged.

[16:00 PM] Juliet Griffin (a.k.a. The Random Variable) has finally been located, at the Ballrooms on Mars
Ballrooms on Mars reports:

Today, around 4 pm another visitor joined the ballrooms on Mars. The Unicorn was joined by the Griffin. Classic kill: knock knock "Who are you?" "... I've got important information about Craig Slade" "You are not going to kill me?" "I promise not to shoot you" STAB STAB

[22:00 PM] Epsilon less than zero is rather bored and draws me something pretty
Epsilon less than zero reports:

I got pretty bored. Some of you might be interested in this:

The State of Play

Tuesday, 1 March

[09:05 AM] Big Mad Drongo sorts out Twoflower
Big Mad Drongo reports:

Having dragged himself out of bed at the ungodly hour of half past eight- a whole four hours before lunch- Big Mad Drongo stumbled to the [DEPARTMENT-REDACTED] to await a tourist, wanted for failure to murder people soon enough or something.

Skulking suspiciously outside, he began to suspect his target had eluded him due to a misjudgement of possible entrances- then a beaming bespectacled face hove into view.

"Hi, are you Twoflower?"

"Yes- oh sh*t..." replied Twoflower.(1)

This last was as Drongo's familiar, summoned many moons ago from the Plane of Yarn, floated into view. Several failed saving throws later, Twoflower was disintegrated, petrified, sedated, slowed, charmed, terrified, levitated, wounded, and killed at the... eyestalks of the adorabloodthirsty handknitted Beholder.

Duty dispatched, Drongo stumbled back to his room for a large mug of coffee.

(1) A difficult linguistic feat.

Twoflower reports:

Please let it be known that I was killed today by the policeman Big Mad Drongo today at 9.05 this morning. I convey to him my congratulations and the spoils of war (i.e. further congratulations)

[14:00 PM] Using Ivan Aquaspecus's combined knowledge of criminal activity and basic biology, he searches for Incos
Ivan Aquaspecus reports:

Luck in catching incompetents was not high. Appealing to reason, I did go into the Sainsbury's thinking 'These humans, they must eat, no?'. Alas, I full sweep of area but no lurking incompetents there. None on way back either... With more time, crush these people I could, but work calls to me and I must obey. Ivan

[20:30 PM] The Random Variable can't relocate Reg Shoe
Reg Shoe reports:

Reg Shoe is looking for incompetents to test his new UNSPECIFIED random weaponry on. Unfortunately, The Random Variable is nowhere to be found.

[22:00 PM] Arthur Savile (a.k.a. Velijan Effendi) has been beaten, by the Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and had no chance of eat'n
Velijan Effendi reports:

At around 8.25 I heard a knock on my door. I was in no mood for dealing with it, but the sounds of Iraqi 'oud music emanating from my room betrayed my presence. Nonetheless, I would wait it out...

Having heard the front door close several times (and having had a short nap in the intervening period), at around 10 p.m. I was quite sure that the coast was clear and ventured out to make tea (and prepare dinner -I hadn't eaten anything all day), still armed, just in case anyone else decided to have a go...

I crept out of the door and looked down the corridor, just to be sure...nobody was there. However, as soon as my door had shut, Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster lept out from around the corner...I fumbled for my gun, encumbered by the teapot and cups that I was holding...I fired...I hit...but not before getting a faceful of water. Cruelly slain, I invited him downstairs where we had tea and chatted for the next 6 hours...

Let this be a cautionary tale...patience and persistence (he must have made at least three previous attempts to scale the walls of my lonely fortress) do indeed triumph over laziness and caffeine addiction.

Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster reports:

On the evening of 1st of March, the Second Incarnation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster descended to Earth. Floating in the corridor of the unspecified house in unspecified city for some time resulted in Velijan Effendi being welcomed into the loving embrace of the Noodly Appendage of our lord the Flying Spaghetti. And the following stimulating conversation with his soul was greatly appreciated by all the devoted Pastafarians of the world.

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