The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 NewsI can now safely tell you that there a less than 400 players remaining.
In other news, the Umpire lieks turtles:
Date: 23rd February
Time: 9:45
Place: UNSPECIFIED
Criminal: Ex-captain Carrot Ironfounderson
Crime: Seen helping the excessively wanted criminal, mass murderer, public
enemy number 1, Otto Chriek, at 18:15 on the 19th February. (Also tried
killing good citizen Zeno at 16:20 on the 11th February but that's less
important)
Method of death: Shot in the heart after he foolishly opened his door in
the morning without checking for assassins.
Comments: Constable Reg Shoe used Random Strategy to dispatch this criminal
(seeing as it's a really good strategy). Neighbours are friendly to people
loitering outside their rooms with guns.
Dear Umpire,
I am writing to inform you, that the last unicorn, known as Charlie, is now
dead. The fight was long, and he fought bravely. Many nerf darts and rubber
band flew and failed, but the steel of my dagger eventually pierced the
heart of the unicorn.
Rest in peace, Charlie.
It's a cold world, nobody understands...
Sadly it was only my cuffs I was able to shoot this term. But nevertheless,
the dance goes on forever.
At last! My efforts to construct a time machine were successful! After
weeks of dedication, I finally stepped into the cardboard box (with "time
machine" written on it) and pressed the big red button which said "do not
press". And it worked! I am now at a different point in time. However, the
time machine has a brownian motion through time (due to it's reliance on
random processes to function) so I didn't know when I had arrived.
So by observation of my surroundings, I attempted to find out what the date
was. This proved easy since I discovered that Matt Arran was in my lecture
theatre. Once outside the lecture theatre, I stabbed him, proving that
today is the first day of the game, the 26th January. Random Strategy is of
course successful in getting you to exactly the right time!
Now I can cause I time paradox which will inevitably lead to me winning!
Muhahahahaha!
...
Wait... why are so many people dead? Did I make a mistake and accidently go
into the future? Or worse, not moved through time at all? Is my time
machine really functioning?
It is a sunny, springlike day in [COLLEGE-REDACTED], and The Librarian is talking
on his phone.
Kippers by Post (waiting outside staircase with increasingly furious killer
dinosaur trapped in a coat pocket): 'Er, The Librarian?'
The Librarian: 'What?'
Kippers (unleashing dinosaur, which rampages obligingly): 'You're dead.'
The Librarian: 'What?'
Kippers: 'Er, you know, like, in Assassins.'
The Librarian: 'Oh.'
The Librarian continues his phone call.
Kippers and the dinosaur go and get cake.
Like the digestive crumbs that *always* find their way into your last slurp of tea, Chocolate Biscuit sneaked to the home of Velijan Effendi with Ballrooms on Mars. However, he proved to be like biscuits left on a plate in a room of hungry students - there when you last looked, but now mysteriously missing...
Sent from my iPhone
Went to find Zeno, but he wasn't in. *sad fishy face*
Twoflower was enjoying the meal at the Unseen University. The invite had
been somewhat unexpected, and the food was... unusual. And sometimes moved.
But it tasted good and the wizards were... interesting company. He
wasn't quite sure what he was eating, however...
Suddenly, a
small, robed thing caught Twoflower's eye.
***
The
Death of Rats scampered down the table, a miniature life-timer in one boney
paw. It paused in front of the appropriate dish and looked up at the
be-spectacled foreigner.
SQUEAK
"My my," said Twoflower. "What manner of
creature are you?"
The Death of Rats stowed away the life-timer and
seemed to reach for something... only to discover that, whatever it was, it
wasn't there.
EEK! IK SQUEAK!1
It turned and began to scamper away
again, but then stopped and nibbled on some of the mince pies on the dish
next to Twoflower's. The wizard sitting there was snoring softly, and
didn't mind. The Death of Rats then continued running, and vanished among
the various piles of food.
1Translation: Dammit!
Quoth must have stolen my scythe!
Tom Duncan resigns from the game
At around 15:30pm, I headed to the residence of my target, and long-time Inco, Katalya. After lurking around for 5 or 10 minutes I knocked on his door twice, but unfortunately there was no response. Assuming him to be out, I left, sadly without a kill.
At around 5.15 today, I snuck into A Ferruginous Pygmy-owl's
residence after a short wait. I made my way up the stairs, quietly
impressed with how the other half live. On finding her floor I looked
around for alcoves to hide in, but it wasn't strictly necessary...she had
left her door slightly ajar.
I burst in, noticed the spacious proportions of the room, pleasant view and
unfairly large bed...and was so overcome with jealous rage that I shot her
there on the spot!
We then proceeded to have a delightful conversation about history and
international affairs.
The Ferruginous Pygmy Owl had migrated all the way from Central London
today, and the journey had been treacherous and tiring. She fluttered up
the stairs, and pulled open the door to her home with her beak. Unknowingly
however, it did not close properly behind her (this would have locked the
door to her roost). Worn out and rather sleepy, as a diurnal owl would be
at this hour, she perched comfortably for a while.
But then she had an idea! What is more waking than killing some voles? One
of the voles she believed herself to be a target of was Velijan Effendi. So
typing carefully, with her claws, she began to email a wise tawny-owl who
probably had useful information. Useful information, such as where this
Velijan Effendi lived.
But just as she had typed "Where does Velijan Effendi -", the door to her
roost burst open! And there was the cunning vole himself! Armed to the
teeth with teeth and claws and a water gun. Prey turned on predator, and
the Ferruginous Pygmy Owl fell. She should have closed her door properly
really.
Feathers lie everywhere. But the spirit of a Ferruginous Pygmy Owl lives on
inside all of us...
After having had room balloters knocking on my door all week, I unwittingly opened my door without checking when I heard a knock at 17:20 today. Expecting to see some girl with a notebook, I was met instead by 2 or 3 shots from a rubber band gun, all of which were successful, before I had time to reach for my own gun.
Due to the room balloting system in her college, Katalya was more partial than usual to opening her door to unexpected guests, and so received a healthy dose of rubber bands.
Despite what many may now think, Lady Vanity is not resting. Nor is she "pining for the fjords". Her face-eating horse of death may have beautiful plumage, but that don't enter into it. She's stone dead. Bleedin' demised. She's not pining, she's passed on. Lady Vanity is no more, she has ceased to be. She's expired and gone to meet her maker. She is a late assassin. She's a stiff, bereft of life, she rests in pieces and is pushing up the daisies! She's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! Envious of Basics Chocolate Digestives is an EX-assassin!!
What's the second best birthday present you can give someone? Not killing
then, despite all your plots and plans being in place. What's the best
birthday present you can give someone? Five days more competence.
And after I carried him home wrapped in clingfilm too. *&!%£
Around 1 pm the Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster flew to the unspecified college. The fire was exchanged, Frab was chased out of his room, but no one died.
At 15:00 today, a speedy messenger knocked on Frab's door, but to no avail. Frab has been marked for deletion but has yet to be expunged.
Today, around 4 pm another visitor joined the ballrooms on Mars. The Unicorn was joined by the Griffin. Classic kill: knock knock "Who are you?" "... I've got important information about Craig Slade" "You are not going to kill me?" "I promise not to shoot you" STAB STAB
I got pretty bored. Some of you might be interested in this:
The State of Play
Having dragged himself out of bed at the ungodly hour of half past eight- a
whole four hours before lunch- Big Mad Drongo stumbled to the [DEPARTMENT-REDACTED] to await a tourist, wanted for failure to murder people soon
enough or something.
Skulking suspiciously outside, he began to suspect his target had eluded
him due to a misjudgement of possible entrances- then a beaming
bespectacled face hove into view.
"Hi, are you Twoflower?"
"Yes- oh sh*t..." replied Twoflower.(1)
This last was as Drongo's familiar, summoned many moons ago from the Plane
of Yarn, floated into view. Several failed saving throws later, Twoflower
was disintegrated, petrified, sedated, slowed, charmed, terrified,
levitated, wounded, and killed at the... eyestalks of the adorabloodthirsty
handknitted Beholder.
Duty dispatched, Drongo stumbled back to his room for a large mug of coffee.
(1) A difficult linguistic feat.
Please let it be known that I was killed today by the policeman Big Mad Drongo today at 9.05 this morning. I convey to him my congratulations and the spoils of war (i.e. further congratulations)
Luck in catching incompetents was not high. Appealing to reason, I did go into the Sainsbury's thinking 'These humans, they must eat, no?'. Alas, I full sweep of area but no lurking incompetents there. None on way back either... With more time, crush these people I could, but work calls to me and I must obey. Ivan
Reg Shoe is looking for incompetents to test his new UNSPECIFIED random weaponry on. Unfortunately, The Random Variable is nowhere to be found.
At around 8.25 I heard a knock on my door. I was in no mood for
dealing with it, but the sounds of Iraqi 'oud music emanating from my room
betrayed my presence. Nonetheless, I would wait it out...
Having heard the front door close several times (and having had a short nap
in the intervening period), at around 10 p.m. I was quite sure that the
coast was clear and ventured out to make tea (and prepare dinner -I hadn't
eaten anything all day), still armed, just in case anyone else decided to
have a go...
I crept out of the door and looked down the corridor, just to be
sure...nobody was there. However, as soon as my door had shut, Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster lept out from around the corner...I fumbled for my gun, encumbered by
the teapot and cups that I was holding...I fired...I hit...but not before
getting a faceful of water. Cruelly slain, I invited him downstairs where
we had tea and chatted for the next 6 hours...
Let this be a cautionary tale...patience and persistence (he must have
made at least three previous attempts to scale the walls of my lonely
fortress) do indeed triumph over laziness and caffeine addiction.
On the evening of 1st of March, the Second Incarnation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster descended to Earth. Floating in the corridor of the unspecified house in unspecified city for some time resulted in Velijan Effendi being welcomed into the loving embrace of the Noodly Appendage of our lord the Flying Spaghetti. And the following stimulating conversation with his soul was greatly appreciated by all the devoted Pastafarians of the world.
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