Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Wednesday, 4 February

[08:50 AM] Thelonius Nail reks Slyther (Nikolaos Kateris)
Thelonius Nail reports:

It transpired that my overly enthusiastic slaughter the other day did go no unnoticed. I must kill again in order to remain safe. Oh no...

Fortunately, my newest target was a highly predictable one. I knew exactly when and where he would be, so I got there first. I saw him approach, asked him his name (one hates to make the same mistake twice), then drove my knife in to his torso. I must admit that watching his companions faces as their chum bled out was actually rather satisfying. I must consider leaving friends alive to watch in future...

[08:55 AM] Aqua Grunt 7 backstabs ArmouredTitan (Timothy Ekeh)
Aqua Grunt 7 reports:

Those who are not with us are against us and those who are against us will not live to tell the tale. Tim is the third example of this.

Kyogre will rise and the whole planet shall be flooded.

All glory to Team Aqua.

[11:15 AM] Bantom of the Opera claims Pegasus (Alex Waghorn)
Bantom of the Opera reports:

*sings* The Baaantom of the Opera is heeeere......inside your bedroom!!

My target Alex Waghorn left his bedroom door unlocked. A fatal error. He found himself stabbed by a sword in the forehead as he innocently and unsuspectingly returned to his bedroom this morning.

[11:45 AM] Aqua Grunt 8 stalks his prey
Aqua Grunt 8 reports:

I knew that my target would soon be returning from lectures, so the plan was to ambush them as they entered their room. I located their accomodation block easily, but discovered I needed a keycard to be admitted. Not to be deterred, I waited around for a couple of minutes and, sure enough, an unsuspecting passerby let me into the building. I climbed the staircase of glory leading to my target's certain demise, only to discover that the keycard was again needed to get off the staircase and into the corridor with the rooms on it! I waited for a brief period on the staircase, but my target didn't show and I didn't want to arouse suspicion, so I dejectedly made my way back to my own college. I thought the plan was foolproof, but in hindsight, it was just proof I was a fool... I won't be so foolish next time!

All glory to team aqua.

[14:00 PM] The Whistler goes a-creeping
The Whistler reports:

Arming myself with only a knife, several coshes and a battleaxe (well, maybe not only) I gained entrance to [REDACTED] college and made my way round to staircase [???]. Creeping up the stairs I reached the top floor, and pushed the door - to find it was locked, or blocked, and my target [REDACTED] was nowhere to be seen. No sound came from the room, and the word on the staircase was that xe hadn't been seen for a while.

Mark my words, young CompSci - I will be back.

The Whistler

[15:00 PM] Police close in on Thelonius Nail
Victor Volt reports:

Yes, I'm still alive! Unfortunately, so is the dastardly Thelonius Nail, after a knife versus gun standoff resulted in a grudging truce. Unfortunately for me, I am almost unavoidably recognisable. Unfortunately for Thelonius, so is he, and at least one of his neighbours is a very helpful non-player who seems to want him dead. Until we meet again, Mr Nail...

[18:30 PM] Thelonius Nail (Richard Jones)'s wanted status proves fatal, at the hands of Mojo Jojo and Blossom
Blossom reports:

Out of post-dinner boredom, Blossom and Mojo Jojo decided to seek the wanted Thelonius Nail. Having been informed he was somewhat paranoid (something to do with knowing Blossom wanted revenge for a previous life...), we decided to wait it out. Luckily, his cleanliness instincts got the better of him and as he went into the kitchen, we followed and showered him in a glorious stream of nerf pellets. And then he died.
Blossom-1, Thelonius NIL.
(We wish Thelonius well in his next life, and hope this gives him the opportunity to reflect on his mistakes, and allow him to choose a better name.)

Mojo Jojo reports:

At around 18:35 this evening, Rowan Haslam and I went down to Richard Jones' corridor to lurk.
We took refuge in a nearby bedroom belonging to one of his neighbors (whom we forced at gunpoint to harbor us and give us information about Richard's routine).
After sitting around whispering to each other for around 10 minutes, we heard Richard enter his kitchen to do his washing up.
Without hesitation, we sprung towards the kitchen and smashed open the door. We were taken aback momentarily to notice Richard fumbling in his suspiciously bulging pockets... we were later relieved to discover this was an attempt to draw his weapon.
We opened fire and sent an unrelenting barrage of nerf pellets towards him, ending his futile existence.
Thelonius NAILED IT.

Thelonius Nail reports:

I thought I might survive the day. I thought I might make it. I had got the kill I needed for redemption and survived an attempt on my life. I chose not to go to hall for dinner, deeming it safer to stay in my room and eat. Unfortunately I was plotted against. A civilian corridor mate told my would-be killers that I was anal about cleanliness. That I would undoubtedly be out of my room shortly to do my washing up which was in the kitchen. She also let them hide in her room till the moment. I was spooning leftovers in to Tupperware when they entered and riddled me with bullets.

Cleanliness is next to godliness they say. It makes sense therefore that it is deadly to mortals.

[22:03 PM] Police 002 gets wanted Aqua Grunt 3 (James Delaney), only to then be shot by Aqua Grunt 1
002 reports:

There had been disturbing reports of a certain faction in the assassin conflict becoming too powerful. This so called 'team aqua' must be bought to justice for their crimes. They murder innocents and carry out callous revenge attacks.
With this in mind I set of in the pursuit of one of their members. I was able to persuade an ally to join my cause and this turned out to be a wise move. We found the target's room and met someone acting oddly. We interrogated them but got very little information. After verifying they weren't our target we left resolving to try again on another day.
Whilst moving back into town we were challenged by the guilty individual and one of his friends who he identified as our target. I could not believe that our target had chased us down rather than flee. A tactical mistake for sure. Intent on making him repay for his crimes I pulled out my gun and shot him before anyone else could respond. Unfortunately his friend was armed as well and I realised too late. As I rushed to confirm the kill on the target I was shot. But Justice will always be served. Others will follow in my name.

Thursday, 5 February

[12:00 PM] Aqua Grunt 8 tricks The Spanish Inquisition (Josh McQuail)
Aqua Grunt 8 reports:

Finally, a kill! I knew that my target, Josh McQuail would be leaving a lecture on Downing Site at 12pm, so along with Aqua Grunt 7 I lay in wait. I saw someone who I believed to be my target exit the lecture theatre and followed them towards the market. I had to be sure that it was indeed my target that I was tracking, so I walked past him and, as we were turining a corner, struck up a conversation:

Me: Hi! Josh, isn't it?
Him: (suspiciously) Yesss....
Me: I was at *insert Josh's sixth form here - the internet is a wonderful place*, in the year below you!
Him: Oh really? I thought I was the only one here!
Me: (mildly panicked) Nope!

The conversation continued for a couple of minutes, after which I stabbed him with a (pen)knife and informed him that he was dead and everything I had just told him was a lie.

All glory to team aqua.

[16:00 PM] Light Yagami kills Moonhead(Sofia Riccio) and maims Archbishop of Banterbury
Archbishop of Banterbury reports:

Swords, rubber bands and bullets fire!
It's horrible to see!
But, after all the carnage dire,
We all went out for tea.

Dead: Sofia
Armless: me
Alive: Light Yagami
Hot-chocolated: EVERYONE

Light Yagami reports:

Today at around 4.15, I had finally shaken off my nemesis 'L' and was hiding in a cupboard, preparing to write the names of those on my assassination list into my 'Death Note'. However, I was rudely interrupted by Sofia Riccio and Bantom of the Opera, who had stopped, unsuspecting, outside of my hidey-hole to finalise their plan on exactly how they were to assassinate me. Should they knock or should they just lurk? What should they do if I was actually in? And what to do if I wasn't? And what if I actually opened my door? Who should position themselves where, given I was on only Sofia's list? And what about my corridor-mates? But, again, what if I really was in? And actually fought back, given my *ahem* terrifying reputation from the last game? Which weapons was I likely to use? But oh, what if I wasn't even in...

A whole 15 minutes later, they not only had a plan, but had actually plucked up enough courage to head down the corridor to knock on my door. Unfortunately for them, Sofia had been a target of mine from last semester so I knew what she looked like and was able to ensure her death using the Death Note: she died horribly under a flurry of elastic bands as soon as she started pushing open the fire door to reach my room.The Bantom of the Opera was luckier - he escaped minus an arm but with a new-found healthy respect for Light Yagami.

I was so impressed by the detail of their plan, that (after I hid the Death Note) the Bantom of the Opera and I grabbed Sofia's corpse and we all went out for coffee.

[22:05 PM] Team Rocket Grunt 3 uses a Cyndaquil to end the life of N (Freddie Brewer)
Team Rocket Grunt 3 reports:

I really don't think it's in the Team Rocket spirit to chase after opponents. You wait for them to come to you, right? So when I found out that my target, Musician Freddie, had a rehearsal right on home turf, I figured that it was the perfect opportunity.
I decided to work together with Team Rocket Grunt 14, as he happened to be a Musician before joining our forces and so would know the environment well. At 9:50pm I arrived outside and waited in the shadows, listening as the sounds of beautiful orchestral melodies changed into the cacophony of scraping chairs and slamming instrument cases. My teammate emerged at 10:04, informing me that my target was still inside and that he would support me in a Double Battle if need be. For the next three minutes we waited, and then finally Musician Freddie stepped out. We locked eyes, causing him to stop in his tracks. Prepare for trouble! I exclaimed. Despite having rehearsed it moments beforehand, Grunt 14 did not follow my lead. No matter! I could handle this myself.
I released my Cyndaquil as Freddie sent out his Weepinbell. I ordered Cyndaquil to use Flame Charge. A critical hit! The Weepinbell was down, and Freddie was defeated. With the fainted Weepinbell under my arm, my teammate and I made off into the night. Mission successful!
I have transferred Weepinbell to Rocket HQ and I await my next assignment.

N reports:

Sadly, a journey into Rocket HQ was necessary. Several, in fact. For the first, unless they were really astute (a level of stealth well beyond a rocket grunt) they would be unaware if this, so the first passed without incident. However, a member of Rocket was present, and saw me, so I knew there was a high chance of a scuffle next time.

I thoughtfully arrived early, ensuring safety. As I looked out to leave my meeting (which was in a protected area), I saw shadows lurking. Positively movie like, it was... I was faced with a stark choice - wait it out in my protected area (which was freezing and about to be locked, so no), fire on the shadow, or chance it and step out. Firing on the shadow would mean going wanted (and therefore death) if I was wrong, so I decided to just step out. But there was no excuse for not going out gun first in this situation.

As it happened, the shadow was [REDACTED], but [REDACTED] was lurking in the background. (If anyone is wondering how a shadow can have a background, well, he managed to hide in it.) As I left, [REDACTED] lept out, did the hakka in front of me, screamed "PREPARE FOR TROUBLE" (had I gone out gun first, this would have been fatal) and lobbed his killer pokemon . Sadly his aim was good.

I dread to think what my sister's going to do now...

Friday, 6 February

[08:55 AM] Team Rocket Grunt 17 knifes Journals of Food (Ben Weber)
Team Rocket Grunt 17 reports:

I though about doing an exciting trap with some ridiculously over-engineered machinery, but then realised that has never worked for anyone on my team. Ever. So instead I dug a hole, covered it up and waited. Sure enough, my target walked up the road, but he noticed something was amiss, and hesitated. I emerged from hiding at speed, and sent out my Honedge with quick attack. It was a critical hit, and my target fainted without a sound. I stole his Pokemon and ran away into the night/lecture theater.

I have transferred these to Rocket HQ and await further instructions.

Journals of Food reports:

It gives me no pleasure to report being carved up like a juicy steak on my way to lectures this morning. I had been trying to avoid who I thought was an assassin, wet as they appeared, when another assailant launched out at me with a knife. To make matters worse, it turns out they're one of an extremist culinary spinter group with an unhealthy obsession for a certain perfunctory salad leaf! The doctors say the damage to my digestive tract is permanent, and I must now be fed via drip tube, as well as spending the next two months in hospital. Oh the humanity!

Since this is my last report, I shall review the staple meal of this sordid little microverse: the Sainsbury's BLT meal deal (which I will now never eat again). The pricing is fair for a sandwich, crisps and a small drink, I'll give it that, but what of the flavour? Is buying Quavers with it such a good idea? Yes, they have a wonderful crunchy texture, however, the flvour i somewhat questionable, and a perfume of vomit will hit you in the nose. The Tropicana orange juice is fairly small, but of quite high quality. Indeed, to do better you really need to invest in fresh oranges. Now, onto the sandwich itself: in the time it spends sitting on the shelf, the bacon will lose the crunch that is the delight of all BLT connoisseurs, and become a soft, albeit flavoursome, flabby layer. Good quality mayonnaise is utilised, which prevents dryness and adds to the flavour. The tomatoes also add a quick bit of zest, and the lettuce adds a refreshing burst of moisture. It's nice, I'll give it that, but in fairness it is just comfort food, so I give it 4/10. HOW I WISH I COULD HAVE JUST... ONE... MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[10:00 AM] Marcus V. Agrippa! hunts
Marcus V. Agrippa! reports:

Explorator certior me fecit ante diem secundum Non. Feb. adversarium in alchemicum aedem esse. His rebus cognitis, magnis itineribus dux Agrippa pervenit ad aedem adversarii, qui necandus erat nobis. Mansit dux Agrippa horas duas extra profanum aedem, credens adversarium alchemicum ritum perfacere. Autem repperit ille ritorum tempus, in diem Veneris, non Martis ritum perfacere adversarium referens. Confirmata adversarii absentia, dux rediit ad castrum, ubi de adversarii nece pridie nocte cognovit

[13:00 PM] Team Rocket Grunt 10 kills Mustrum Ridcully (Alex Fairclough)
Team Rocket Grunt 10 reports:

Guitarist Alex was in possession of a particularly impressive Klang which seemed to have taken my boss's fancy, and as I result I was recruited for my usual burglar role. I knew his workplace, and settled outside calmly with my totodile twitching besides me in anticipation of the upcoming battle. Upon exiting my target made a small detour to pick up some files, but this was no issue as I was able to keep in close pursuit, hidden amongst the other workers in the vicinity, until he separated from the crowd down a narrow street. In order to confirm his identity I called out his name, to which he responded with a questioning glance, before realising the severity of his situation and sending out the exact prize that I was looking for - the Klang. Totodile was ready, and before even fully materialising from the pokeball the Klang had been drenched in a powerful water gun attack. This was not enough however, as the pair still had the energy to try and escape, sprinting away from me. But there is no running from a trainer battle. I caught him quickly due to the low speed of his pokemon and commanded totodile to use superpower, which proved far more effective and knocked out my opponent. Totodile was unscathed from the encounter, and I was able to get away with the Klang and return to base. I have transferred Klang to Rocket HQ and await further instructions.

[18:30 PM] The Unforgiven is sent back to hell by Marcus V. Agrippa!
Marcus V. Agrippa! reports:

"Moriar in patria saepe servata" dixit Cicero moriturus. Collegium servandum semper, et pro collegio parandum emori. Ante diem x Id. Feb. sicarius penetravit collegii mei presidia, et conatus est sociam meam necare in eius cubiculum. Invocavit illa axilium meum, Agrippae: petitione audita, perarmatus succurri sociam meam. Hoste conspecto, "Non latebris", clamavi, "sed armis collegium servabimus!". Recessi ut scalas, locum propitium, acquirerem; inde, cernens hostis arma, eum cum aqua collisi in vultu, et proclive currit ad telos eludendos. Hostes mortuus est, et vivus sum: "aqua omnia vicit" Vergilius dixit. Iovem voco testem.

The Unforgiven reports:

I went to kill my target, [REDACTED], but she was not in. I was confronted by an assassin who was later identified as [REDACTED]. We exchanged some tense words with weapons concealed, then exchanged fire, he with a water pistol, I with a Nerf gun. He drew first. He hit me in the face and I missed. A second assassin, identifying himsels as [REDACTED], shot me again to make sure after the first had run off.

Perhaps The Unforgiven will rest at last.

[19:00 PM] Team Rocket Grunt 6 tries and fails
Team Rocket Grunt 6 reports:

Dear Boss,

In an attempt to not become incompetent, I went on an expedition with Admin Ariana to steal each of the three Pokemon you had assigned to me. The first two trainers I targeted both had locked rooms with no answer (though I swear I heard one inside, he's a sharp one not to open the door). After attempts to say their name to draw the attention of anyone in there, I simply left our calling card (both pictures enclosed, saying 'Make it Double' as a sequel to my first attempt where they got 'Prepare for Trouble') and left.

I then moved on to the next Pokemon Centre. After Admin Ariana and I had successfully found the target's room, I moved in to attack. I was surprised when the door was almost immediately opened. My Houndour, thirsting for battle, leaped out of my hands at what we both thought was the enemy trainer. After a direct hit with Fire Fang, I realised the woman before me was not in fact my target, probably a Pokemon Co-ordiantor or something visiting her. I was prepared to leave when the Co-ordinator responded to the attack.

"Oh, she's in the shower!"

I returned my Houndour to its ball and prepared to leave, while Ariana urged me to wait and take the trainer's Pokemon when they left the shower. Team Rocket may be thieves, but we are not the sort of people that attack trainers just coming out of the shower. In a sudden burst of morality, I disobeyed my Admin's direct order and chickened our (though I did leave our 'Prepare for Trouble' calling card on the wall near the shower door).

I feel I may now be on the run from the police.

Yours guiltily,

Team Rocket Grunt 6

Saturday, 7 February

[12:00 PM] Angelica stabs Inigo Montoya (Robert Shearme)
Angelica reports:

After an assassination attempt on Robert Shearme on Wednesday morning involving a cunning ruse, a disguise and a carefully designed concealed blade (which failed because he wasn't actually there - the disadvantages of targeting a rower) I decided to abandon the subtle approach and went to his Evolution and Behaviour lecture today. Outside the theatre I dealt him a fatal stab wound with my ink eraser.

Umpire: apparently Robert thought he was OOB as this took place in New museum site, so I'd like to point out while lecture halls are OOB anywhere outside is fair game, so watch out.

[12:30 PM] The Dark Knight (Ogaba Ifere) gets caught leaving the shower by Marcus V. Agrippa!
Yosemite Sam reports:

Setting out to finish those deemed unworthy of life with my companions Muttley and Marcus V. Agrippa!, we first ventured to [COLLEGE REDACTED] where we stalked Ogaba's room for a while, eventually catching him as he left the shower, with Marcus V. Agrippa! delivering the final blow.

We then ventured to [COLLEGE REDACTED] where we engaged in a firefight with Inverted Hedgehog, however realising there was no ground to be gained, retreated.

Marcus V. Agrippa! reports:

Ineptorum homicidium hodie factus est. Agrippa, cum praetorianis duis inspexi Mariae Valentiae collegium ut locarem et necarem ineptos duos. Ineptorum portae pulsavimus, sed nemo respondit. Frustra conati sunt finestris penetrare, sed expectare instituimus. Aliquis balneo exiit, "Nonne David es?" inquii, cognoscens verum praenomen eum vocari cum amica me aperiret; cum "Ego sum vero" respondisset, aqua eum occidi. Deinde trinitatis collegium perlustravimus, nemo in ziggurat erat, sed sicarius ex fenestra me necare conatus est. Pretorianus telos ad eum conieci, parum prospere.

Praetorianorum centurio nactus estis, et ille rextraxit cum suis. Agrippa ineptorum homicidium cum socis prosecutus est. Iohannis, trinitatis, corpus christi collegia inspeximus, sed nemo occidimus. Associavimus nos cum priore umperatore. Umperatoris socius a fenestrae sicarius ACME telo vulneratus est, sed mora instituimus ut facta confirmarent. Comitati sunt umperatori ad mortis libri puellam necandam, suum hostem. Puella prioris umperatoris socium necavit, sed comitata nobis ineptorum homicidiorum causa. Collegium regale cantebrigie, et Petri domus oppugnavimus, antequam acies dissociavit.

[13:00 PM] Sylvester kills incos Optimus Can't-Rhyme (Gourav Khullar) and Tim, Lord of Something or Other (Nathan Smith)

[13:15 PM] Concordia shoots inco Team Rocket Grunt 14 (Joseph Swartzentruber)
Concordia reports:

Imagine my delight when the grunt who betrayed my brother appeared on the incompetance list.

Imagine my delight when he appeared at the very meeting at which my brother met his demise.

Imagine my delight as the blood ran out of his back.

[13:20 PM] Bantom of the Opera's sword claims Mr Acceptable (Henry Dickie)
Bantom of the Opera reports:

I killed the incompetent Henry Dickie with several sword slashes in buttery.

[13:30 PM] Gernald Gernaldson talks with Randall (Angus Hammond) and then kills him
Gernald Gernaldson reports:

It was a dark and dismal afternoon for those of us whose marks had not yet met their ends; our time was up, our fate was sealed, shadowy mobs roved from door to door, preying upon the fresh incompetents. I had returned from a last-ditch attempt failed mission, my hands unstained by a contract who had proven too elusive to be found. I knew this could well be my final meal, but I was not willing to go quietly to my fate, and so came suitably attired in case the hunters should corner me. Incompetent? Bah! I would show them the meaning of incompetence.

It was there I met another such luckless fellow, one Angus Hammond, drowning his sorrows over a hash brown. I recognised my chance; it must be a sign, this poor unfortunate's life was my ticket from the penury of incompetence to the glory of returning to the guild's familial and occasionally pointy embrace. He caught sight of me at my approach and we exchanged some few words as he finished his meal. He bore no arms and seemed to acknowledge that, one way or another, his end would come before the day's close. He desired that, should he die, his death should mark the redemption of one of his fellows. He looked away, and I obliged his wish. My blade slipped soundlessly into his back, and he was gone in mere seconds. I left him to rest on the tabletop.

I fancy he understood.

[19:00 PM] The Silver Slug goes clubbing with Captain Crispy (Ben Sillence)
Ben Sillence reports:

After becoming inco, I spent the day hiding in a friends room to avoid the incoming storm of bloodthirsty assassins and police. My plan would have been flawless, if not for the fact that, unbeknownst to me, an assassin was living just across the corridor. My killer walked into the room under pretense of a chat, and proceeded to mercilessly club and stab me to death. On the bright side, he proceeded to express considerable guilt over his actions.

The Silver Slug reports:

I found Ben visiting a neighbour in Trinity College and waited for him to reappear before jumping out from behind a door and coshing him on the head. Whilst he was 'unconscious' I then gave him a few stabs to the upper arm, before finishing with a twist to the heart.

[20:00 PM] The Whistler reports on the inco bash
The Whistler reports:

I first approached [REDACTED] to kill one of my targets, [REDACTED] of [REDACTED]. I found his staircase, but his door was locked and there were bushes in the way of the window, so I hid in his bathroom for 10 minutes, but he did not appear.

I then proceeded to check the incompetence list, and then head for the room of [REDACTED] of [REDACTED]. Alas, she also was not in, but there was a note pointing to "cake", which I followed to an obvious trap, which nonetheless didn't seem to have any assassins nearby nor any cake. On my way out, I noticed a sheaf of paper in her flowerbed, which turned out to be a partial list of names and photos of incompetents, left by a previous assassin.

I then decided to head to [REDACTED] to hunt down some more incompetents, but just in front of the church of great St Mary I bumped into [REDACTED]and [REDACTED], and after establishing that they were inco-bashing, I decided to come along and hopefully get some much needed competency. We headed over to [REDACTED], where we found the room of incompetent [REDACTED]. The sound of balloons bursting failed to lure her out, and after some concerted lurking we failed to out-wait her.

The next object of our wrath would be [REDACTED], of [REDACTED], who managed to out-wit us by remaining completely silent and not answering his door. However, there was another nearby target, [REDACTED], of the same college, but he refused to answer despite the fact we knew he was there.

At this point, [REDACTED]decided to go and have a nap, and so the two of us left and advanced to [REDACTED], on the other side of the street - two targets were there. [REDACTED]failed to make an appearance and although we discovered that we could get through into his room from a flat roof, the access to this was locked and neither of us really fancied dropping 10 ft from the floor above with no obvious way of exit. Two floors above, we had the same result at the door of TOM KING, but he had a noticeboard so we left two notes to warn him of our passage.

The next target was at [REDACTED] - [REDACTED]. After eventually finding his staircase, which didn't seem to be a part of the court that was in its address, the door was unlocked, but only his roommate was in, who was unsure whether we were coming to kill him or go to play Lacrosse. My partner in incobashing then rang [REDACTED] to find out where his team were up to, and we agreed to go meet them.

We wandered back into [REDACTED]to discover an ongoing fire-fight between [REDACTED] and [REDACTED](?) on one side and [REDACTED] on the other. After a few brief shots exchanged, [REDACTED] managed to drop an anvil onto [REDACTED] (?) arm and bag. We then gave up and decided to take a break to go for one of [REDACTED]' targets, [REDACTED]. Initially we concluded that she was not in, but on the way out she attacked with rubber-bands, striking the bag of un-armed MICHAEL (?) and in the ensuing cease-fire, she decided to join our motley crew and go to attack [REDACTED]. There were two targets in the same building, [REDACTED] and [REDACTED], and we sieged both in turn, but neither attempts were successful.

We then headed towards Queens', before receiving a tip-off that our targets had already killed, so we then diverted to get [REDACTED] at [REDACTED]. Unfortunately, the trap had been and gone, so we decided to go our separate ways, and gave ourselves 5 minutes to leave.

[20:00 PM] Wile E. Coyote kills incos The cheese grater (Conrad Allison)
Wile E. Coyote reports:

It seems not all the beaky bozos flew the cage after all. While leading a small team to attempt to engineer the death of one incompetent Pistachio, we passed a curiously familiar figure. Closer inspection (i.e. tailing for a while) revealed him to indeed be incompetent Conrad, recently journeyed back from his much safer home. A few rubber bands to his chest and he quickly falls to me, with Dick Dastardly carrying on my old mafia's tradition of shooting fresh corpses and getting a couple of Nerf bullets in after the fact. Don't listen to the propoganda - Wile E. Coyote always catches them in the end.

[22:45 PM] Inverted Hedgehog's giant panda kills Malcolm Reynolds (Alistair O'Neill) and a bystander
Inverted Hedgehog reports:

After having survived the morning, I realised that the party I was going to had another incompetent there; someone who had killed me last term. So I came early and prepared; Fred the demon panda was brought in as heavy weaponry, and I waited outside the room. When I guessed that the target was suitably distracted I burst and in and set Fred on him, getting away before his returning nerf bullet could hit. Sadly, in the attack, Fred also murdered an innocent bystander whose death I shall now be responsible for. Judging from the earlier efficacy of the police with regards to wanted individuals, I fear that the demon panda shall have caused my death too.

Sunday, 8 February

Praying Bantis reports:

To: Marcus V. Agrippa! Please be warned that clumsy Latin will not be tolerated in this incarnation of the Assassins' Guild game. Latin, as a language, is generally averse to abstract nouns. It prefers concrete concepts. For example: Your ablative absolute construction "confirmata adversarii absentia" is technically correct, but clumsy. The abstract noun "absentia" - really!? Always better to use a verb for this kind of thing. The participle "absens" is generally much more stylish. In this case, maybe an indirect statement would do nicely - "cognoscens adversarium abesse", with accusative + infinitive construction, of course. On a related note, ego moriturum te saluto.

[13:00 PM] Shego battles with Wile E. Coyote
Shego reports:

Today, at approximately 1.00AM, I met with the infamous Wile E. Coyote - a longstanding friend of mine, whom I had employed to accompany on a yogurt-buying venture.
Yogurt acquired, we returned to my home. Upon entry, he observed my weapon, lying nonchalantly upon the sofa cushions. I was recently rendered Incompetent - the shame! - and so was now a valid target. Coyote joked that he, and his compatriots, were on the verge of killing me.
Something had to be done.
Naturally, I was unable to do a thing while he was unarmed. That would be have been very bad form.
Instead, I waited for him to open his bag - at which stage I see the weapon! He retrieves it, adjusts it!
I shoot.
The weapon misfires.
He laughs, cackles, MOCKS ME.
(The anticipation grows)
I shoot.
The weapon misfires.
(I begin to panic)
He continues to mock. Reminds me it would be imprudent to kill the Chief of Police.
I shoot.
The (bloody ***ing ******* [censored]) weapon misfires.
He cackles, gloats about his position of superiority. I hiss malevolently.
He offers to take a look at the gun for me. I (im)politely decline.
I shoot.
Coyote concedes. I crow with joy.
Before everything gets very, very messy, I offer him chocolate (although none of my yogurt). He agrees, and we settle down to a slightly more amicable exchange.
(Coyote proceeds to remind me, as he is leaving, that it was not a lethal shot - and because he is no longer bearing, I cannot continue my assassination attempt.)

[19:00 PM] Derek Duanmu (Diandian Wang) dinner is disturbed by death at the hands of Light Yagami
Light Yagami reports:

At around 19.00 today I tracked down inco Diandian Wong. He died of a heart attack while cooking his delicious-smelling dinner...

Monday, 9 February

[13:05 PM] The Whistler backstabs Aqua Grunt 2 (Gwilym Kuiper) shortly after he killed Inverted Hedgehog (Joe Tomkinson)
Aqua Grunt 2 reports:

I'd got a message that one [REDACTED] had recently developed a key part of the submarine we would need to get Kyogre. I was sent by Archie himself to go and retrieve it. We knew that he would be going to lectures at 0900 so I devised a plan that could not fail.

0830: Staking the outside of the lecture theatre before our target would arrive. It was a long and boring process, but fortunately, a member of team rocket, who had decided to ally with me temporarily waited along with me.

0900: The lecture was about to start, maybe he had decided not to arrive.

0903: Walked in to the lecture theatre with our target looking very smug. He must've walked in through the secret entrance.

1200: Moved seats so that I was between him and the door.

1300: Lecture ended and I waited outside for him. I covered the secret door while Aqua Grunt 11 coved the main door.

1305: Clearly we had a mole, and he knew I was coming. I sent out umbreon, ready to steal the part, but he managed to get me also. It ended with us both bleeding, unable to move properly, on the brink of death. Umbreon, being the protective friend that he is, helped me, knowing that its trainer wasn't going to last much longer. Too bad [REDACTED] came to finish the job, stabbing us both in the back. I'm sorry I failed you Archie, you're going to have to send another Aqua member to get the part.

All glory to team aqua.

The Whistler reports:

On coming out of a lecture today, I saw a small pistol in a hand, and reflexively stabbed the holder, GWILYM KUIPER for bearing. On realizing who I had just stabbed, I remembered that I was meant to have an "alliance" with them. ****. I then noticed another person holding a gun, JOE TOMKINSON, and stabbed them for good measure as well. It turns out that they had just had a altercation, and one or both might have been dead already, meaning that I had destroyed my alliance without any redeeming competence or kill-satisfaction. Double ****.

The Whistler

[17:50 PM] Yosemite Sam (Andrew Raison) shot at his doorstep by Dick Dastardly
Yosemite Sam reports:

A friend appeared at my door today, wondering why he was there I opened it, only to be shot by him as he informed me I was incompetent.

As I lay there bleeding out I vowed to use the dark magic of resurrection to walk this land again and have my revenge...

[18:00 PM] Penelope Pitstop kills Dick Dastardly (James Brotherston) and Pistachio (Yu She)
Dick Dastardly reports:

Shot Andrew Raison (inco police) at around 5:50pm today, followed by Yu She (inco) around 6pm.

[19:01 PM] police Anubis kills The Silver Slug )Tom King)
Anubis reports:

I walked into Tom King's room, and stabbed him in the chest.

[22:00 PM] Marcus V. Agrippa! and The Whistler go inco hunting, bagging Jerry (Thomas Chalklen) and appledog (Chenshan Hu)
Marcus V. Agrippa! reports:

Marcus V. Agrippa cum comitibus The Whistler, Spike Spiegel, Ted Kaczynski et pretoriano venatus est. Mariae Valentiae collegi ineptus primus conati sumus occidere, sed is non erat domi. Deinde ad [REDACTA] collegium direximus, ineptorum necandorum causa. Cum penetrare nisi essemus, ineptus a Spike Spiegel agnitus est, et nos eum insecuti sumus per plurales ambulacra ad tennis tabulae aulam. Se obtulit ineptus nos cum eum tennis tabulam ludere, et Spike Spiegel The Whistlerque accepere. Me demorante, cum postremo perveni "Mortuus" clamavi magna voce "ineptus estne?". The Whistler necavit eum telis. Delectavimus alieni collegi tennis tabula, inde trinitem attulimus. Occurrimus in puellam rubris crinibus lentiginisque; trinitatis inepta rubris crinibus lentiginisque habente, Agrippa necavit puellam. Autem eam non esse ineptam, neque sicarium! Postquam excusationem petivi, reliqui. Pro redentione mea ineptus necandus erat. Collegium [REDACTA] consecuti sumus; postquam infelices conati dui, occisi Chenshan Hu, qui portam aperuit nobis pulsantis. [REDACTA] collegio egresso, Spike Spiegel necavit ineptum Ted Kaczynski ut peritiam acquisiret.

The Whistler reports:

I met a group of assassins outside KING'S COLLEGE shortly after 8, [REDACTED] and policeman [REDACTED]. We set off for [REDACTED] to make an attempt on [REDACTED]. He didn't appear to be in and I managed to find my way round to his window to confirm that unfortunately, the room was empty.

We then decided to go to [REDACTED], because one of us would recognise a target, THOMAS CHALKEN. Whilst waiting outside his staircase to see if someone would let me in, a guy walked out, followed by the other assassin's on a raised platform frantically signalling to say that it was our target. We followed him through a maze of rooms before cornering him in the JCR, where I shot him once in the chest.

Buoyed by our early success, we walked out of [REDACTED]and made our way round to a collection of houses to try and find [REDACTED], but despite some dedicated skulking we were unable to locate the entrance. Instead, it was decided to head over to [REDACTED], to return and kill [REDACTED]. We quickly found her staircase, but a few seconds later, a girl who looked pretty similar appeared and was shot with a water-pistol by Marcus V. Agrippa!. After apologising briefly we made a swift exit and decided not to attempt to kill any more targets in [REDACTED] again.

The next college on the list was [REDACTED], where posing as a student union representative I managed to convince [REDACTED] to open his door, but it was hastily closed again as a flurry of shots barrelled into his room, none of which met their target. We moved onto the next incompetent, [REDACTED], but she saw through our ruse and waved at the heavily armed group through the window.

We then roamed our way around [REDACTED] before finding X staircase. There were multiple locked doors between us and our target, but with the story that we were planning to "ambush a friend" people unlocked both of them for us and when we knocked on the door of CHENSHAN HU it was opened, with Marcus V. Agrippa! responding with a flurry of rubber bands, one of which struck the target, killing her instantly.

We made our way back into the centre of town, and concluding that Churchill and Fitzwilliam were too far away, prepared to call it a day, only to leave with a shocking betrayal, [REDACTED] shooting incompetent KAIXIANG from point blank range.

The Whistler

[22:03 PM] Spike Spiegel shoots and stabs Kaczynski (Kaixiang)
Spike Spiegel reports:

I shot Kaixiang hitting him in the hand and then proceeded by stabbing him in the chest.

Tuesday, 10 February

[13:00 PM] Duchess serves justice to Dousedinpiss (Michael Warman)
Duchess reports:

I shot Michael warman outside the law department today.

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