Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News

Wednesday, 18 February

[10:40 AM] Team Rocket Grunt 3's Cyndaquil claims Victor Volt (Isobel Sands)
Team Rocket Grunt 3 reports:

The big names in Team Rocket were impressed by my first two escapades, but it had been a while since I did anything for the company. With this in mind, my trusty Cyndaquil accompanied me as I staked out the Cambridge Battle Institute. There, in the distance, I spotted Officer Isobel with her back turned, and so I approached stealthily.
"Prepare for trouble!", I exclaimed, releasing Cyndaquil in a flurry of embers. Officer Isobel was taken off-guard for a few mere seconds as she sent out her Staraptor, its vast wingspan intimidating my poor Cyndaquil. This would be a much more difficult battle than the Weepinbell from last time...
With blazing speed, the Staraptor homed in on the fiery echidna with a fierce Brave Bird. "No, Cyndaquil! Hold on!" I cried. Cyndaquil had taken a beating, but the recoil damage had hurt Staraptor too. As Cyndaquil clung on, I saw as the flames on its back erupt with new life. "Cyndaquil, use Inferno!"
In a demonstration that has since led to Cyndaquil's nickname of 'Cyndakill', the room exploded in a cloud of heat and fire. Amongst the smoke and confusion I located Isobel's Staraptor, fainted and singed, and stuffed it into a cage. As I turned to give Cyndaquil a well-earned rest in its Pokéball, I was met instead by a white light - what's this? Cyndaquil is evolving! Stood before me was my partner in its new form: a Quilava! This was the icing on the cake, as surely I would now be promoted in the Team Rocket ranks. With Quilava bounding along and the fainted Staraptor in tow, we dashed off into the distance.
I have transferred Staraptor to Rocket HQ and I await further instructions.

[11:00 AM] Week 5 stabs Team Rocket Grunt 10 (Heather Britton)
Week 5 reports:

I followed her into the zoology department building on her way to a lecture, called her name and stabbed her when she turned around.

Team Rocket Grunt 10 reports:

I am sorry to report that I am dead. Not even pokemon can save you from a knife in the back.

Team Rocket Grunt 10, over and out.

[11:30 AM] Golden Magikarp fends off an attack with help of The Spanish Inquisition
Golden Magikarp reports:

11:30: A guy knocks on the door, asking if Golden Magikarp is in. Josh answers, saying Golden Magikarp is in his room, but he thinks Golden Magikarp might be asleep. The random guy leaves. Golden Magikarp heard the conversation, and runs after the random guy. As he is running down the staircase, Golden Magikarp fires 4 bullets. One bounces off the wall and hits the random guy. Random guy then shouts for a time out, whilst still in shooting range. Golden Magikarp stops shooting, annoyed. The guy says: I think you missed. I said I bounced off the wall, so that probably doesn't count. I then have to let the guy leave.

[11:30 AM] Praying Bantis narrowly escapes death
Praying Bantis reports:

Attempted to kill an incompetent this morning. (If he's reading this: please don't actively try to target me. I'm probably not a legal target for you, because you're not officially my target...yet...)

His (police) room-mate tried to pretend he was asleep. It was fairly obvious he was actually hiding behind another door, holding a mega large nerf gun thing. So I retreated hastily and, umm...... ran away down the stairs.

The "incompetent" then emerged behind me with the gun. Luckily, his 3 shots either missed or rebounded off the walls (according to Weaponry Rules, rebounds don't count: a real bullet would just go straight through the wall!). I was busy, ummm... tactically squealing and running for my life.

Also, I only had a small nerf pistol. My opponent had 15 metres of staircase height advantage. So I...gave up. Both of us are still alive, we agreed. Praying Bantis very embarrassed...

[17:00 PM] Marcus V. Agrippa! holds firm
Marcus V. Agrippa! reports:

Ante diem XII Kal. Mar. invasores pulsaverunt portae meae ut me necarent. Sociorum auxilium vocavi, sed priusquam hostes occidere possit, invasores retraxerunt. Insecutus sum hostes perarmatus, et perlustravi collegium locosque circumstantes, frustra.

[17:00 PM] Golden Magikarp uses splash. It's super effective! Team Rocket blacked out.
Golden Magikarp reports:

5:00 PM. There's a knock on our door. My roommate, MetalGreymon (police) answers. Three assassins and a dead man ask whether Golden Magikarp is home, and MetalGreymon points at my room. After the previous assault that day, Golden Magikarp was prepared. He got out his nerf gun, and there was a 3 minute stalemate with the three assassins behind the outer door and Golden Magikarp behind the door to his room. Golden Magikarp then charges towards the bathroom, passing the outer door and shoots one of the assassins. From the bathroom, he gets an advantage by shooting through the gap between the door and the frame. The two assassins are driven back. MetalGreymon, who had told the assassins he is with the police, decides to join in to even up the battle and drive the trespassers out, not realizing that the battle was only 2v1, since the number of assassins outside was unknown. However, he gets shot in the head right away. Golden Magikarp manages to drive the other two out of his room, and shoot them in the staircase.

MetalGreymon reports:

At around 5pm, a group of armed members of Team Rocket staged an assault on my set (at this point numbers were unknown), looking for Golden Magikarp (GK), unlike the assassin earlier in the day they stood and fought. A deadly firefight ensued, at which point I stated my place in the police force, but that I would stay neutral for the time being. GK managed to land a hit on a Team rocket member with a Nerf gun, to which the rest of team rocket retreated outside the door fully (By this point I thought maybe 3 or 4 left). I was at this point I took up arms to further even the odds in this rather one sided battle. However my attempt at a fair battle resulted in an instance bullet to the brain so it was all for nothing. However GK refused to back down and after a failed shot with an attack minion, dispatched the last two assassins (Yeah I miss counted, so what) is a bloody massacre of bullets.


body count:
Team Rocket Grunt 17, Team Rocket Grunt 6 and Team Rocket Admin Ariana (Fred Alford, Joseph Scott and Louise Davies) all dead at the hands of Golden Magikarp.

[20:00 PM] Team Rocket Grunt 666 sieges Taz Dingus
Team Rocket Grunt 666 reports:

we decided that [REDACTED] should die, so we entered his staircase and looked into the kitchen from a window. The problem with that guy is that you have two people with the same, in the same College, reading the same subject, in the same year, both of whom were part of the guild. It's true, thank the Beast, they don't live next door anymore, but still: it's difficult to figure out how they look like. We saw someone in the kitchen who might have been him, but we weren't sure. The staircase was ready for this, they were all talking and chatting to each other; and so we decided we could accept a siege in his room, maybe use it for some satanic mass with our Pokémon. Again I thank the Beast, he left facebook open on his PC, so we could figure out how he looks like; during the siege we were entartained by some civilians in the staircase. Three of them at the beginning, when the door was open and [REDACTED] was firing through it, and just one, very nice indeed, when we closed the door. The siege ended when we decided to call for a truce and left, after carefully examining every piece of paper in the room to learn everything we could.

[21:00 PM] Taz Dingus fights off 3 assassins in his room
Spike Spiegel reports:

[REDACTED], [REDACTED] and I went to [REDACTED] tonight at around 21:00 to kill [REDACTED]. We managed to get into his room but got trapped inside by other [REDACTED] assassins. After around 20 minutes we agreed not to kill each other upon leaving and then left.

Taz Dingus reports:

A bunch of three assassins tried to kill me in my very own staircase. They barricaded themselves in my room (I had foolishly left the door open) while I hid in someone else's. At one point I tried to take a few potshots, but only succeeded in killing one of my friends (not taking part in the game - so I assume I will become wanted :( ).

Eventually we negotiated a ceasefire and they left my room with their tails between their legs. Noone who dares to attack me will ever be successful!

Thursday, 19 February

[10:00 AM] Duchess shoots Light Yagami (Mikaela Belcher) just before she can stab him
Duchess reports:

I shot Mikaela Belcher today near the sidgwick site. I was about 10 feet away from her and I said her name, she turned and began moving to stab me. I shot and my dart struck her while she was about 5 feet away (in the torso). About a second later she stabbed me (also in the torso).

Umpire: this was a tough call. I decided that Mikaela did not get a kill, as by the time the knife struck Duchess she was dead, and I don't think corpse momentum should be a weapon.

[13:20 PM] Concordia kills Ghetsis (Josh Phillips)
Concordia reports:

They say all's fair in love, war and the acquisition of Ferrero Rocher. So I had no qualms about shooting my incompetant former teammate in the back when I discovered there was bounty on his head.

[17:00 PM] Foghorn Leghorn gets revenge on Jonarne136 - codename (Dan Hepworth)
Foghorn Leghorn reports:

I stabbed Dan with a highlighter. He won't betray me again...

Friday, 20 February

[08:45 AM] Bantom of the Opera's Velociraptor ends Gastly (Nour Kharma)
Bantom of the Opera reports:

Dear Umpire,

There are 2 problems that simply cannot be tolerated:

1) The presence of incompetent members of the Guild Police around Cambridge;
2) My pet velociraptor being hungry and not having any food.

Therefore, at a pleasantly bright and early hour of this fine morning, I located Nour Kharma, a newly incompetent member of the Police. There was a horrified civilian also watching, but I didn't care.

I sent in Vicky the Velociraptor to make the kill and have her breakfast.

For those who do not know Vicky the Velociraptor, she is very cuddly, very cute and very very lethal.


[14:20 PM] Yog-Sothoth, Lord of the Outer Darkness has a message
Yog-Sothoth, Lord of the Outer Darkness reports:

Which foolish mortal seeks to defile my tomb? Who, condemning themselves to an eternity of pain, would seek the key and the gate, and yet not remain for their pleas to be answered? An eternity, before which their shattered remains be allowed to rest, beckons.

I know the gate. I am the gate. I am the key and the guardian of the gate. They should not return, lest they be cast through into the void. Many have sought me before. None have returned.

--Heard in the presence of Yog-Sothoth, Lord of the Outer Darkness

[17:50 PM] Bantidisestablishmentarianism gets a bantastic kill on Bantersaurus Rex (Samuel Mackey)
Bantidisestablishmentarianism reports:

Oh look an incompetent member of the Guild Police! (Samuel Mackey)

I know let's stab him while he's checking his pigeonhole!

That was fun! Now let's go for a nice hot dinner! I think there's stir fry on the menu tonight!


[18:00 PM] Cardinal Bishop Basilios Bessarion kills Spike Spiegel (Jordan Holgate)
Spike Spiegel reports:

At around 18:00 after leaving History of Maths I was stabbed by Cardinal Bishop Basilios Bessarion.

Cardinal Bishop Basilios Bessarion reports:

Cardinals are not permitted to spill blood, but on this occasion, I think, we can make an exception. His life was already paid for with the two he had killed in the past week, an error compounded by failure to confess.

Jordan Holgate was leaving a lesson in his place of scholarship, when I called the name of the last poor soul he had condemned. I cut his limbs, leaving him unable to move, and then smote him with my axe. At last, Kevin, you are avenged.

Cardinal Bishop Basilios Bessarion

On the 51st day, In the Year of Our Lord 2014.

Saturday, 21 February

[08:55 AM] Team Rocket Admin Proton kills 003 (Robert Calvert)
Team Rocket Admin Proton reports:

Imbeciles! The rest of Team Rocket has proven themselves incapable of infiltrating a base as easy as John's, and here I am to clean up their mess. Thankfully my Admin status has blessed me with a wider roster of Pokemon at my disposal; I intended to test out my newest weapon this morning.
Once again I found myself at the Cambridge Battle Institute, loitering outside while I knew a Battle Masterclass was about to start. Right on cue, Cyclist Robert appeared, stopping as soon as we locked eyes. This was not the first time our paths had crossed in this term's game, and I was intent on making it the last.
"Prepare for trouble!"
Cyclist Robert sent out his Magnezone, which had evidently done some training at the Cambridge Power Plant since our last encounter. While Quilava had served me well thus far (and in fact would have made for a better type matchup), he remained in his Pokeball for this battle. "Go, Kyogre!"
I admit that I felt a little sheepish using Team Aqua's signature legendary in battle, but hey, it's a Kyogre. I had to at least try it, right? "Kyogre, use Water Spout!"
I crossed my fingers as the Magnezone took the hit, praying that it had Magnet Pull rather than Sturdy or else it may be able to OHKO Kyogre with a powerful Electric-type move. Thankfully the last imaginary pixel of Magnezone's HP vanished into blackness, and the battle was won in one fell swoop. With the Magnezone fainted and motionless, I powered up the electronmagnetic containment unit that Team Rocket can miraculously afford on its low income. Slowly the Magnezone was dragged towards the cage, the metal scraping painfully across the ground (lowering Kyogre's Special Defence in the process), as Cyclist Robert looked on in desperation. I returned Kyogre to its Ultra Ball and, with the Magnezone in tow, I made my escape.
I have transferred the Magnezone to Rocket HQ and I await further instructions.

[11:15 AM] Zilly punishes inco police Captain James Tiberius Kirk
Captain James Tiberius Kirk reports:

Captain's log, Stardate: we're not in the stars yet. Earlier today, I was. Eating my. Dinner when a. Murderous looking man appeared and. Approached me. I had no. Weapons on my. Person so I did what the Master from. Doctor Who would do. I knelt down. Hands behind my back. And dared him to. "Do his worst". Looking baffled he. Turned and walked away. Later on I. Was heading to the bar to. Chat up some. GREEN Orion slave girls when. The same man appeared. I drew my. Doubled-edged lightsaber and. Faced him, but he. Had a gun. I fled and he. Shot at me, but thankfully fate spared me. Forced to abandon our weapons. We engaged in friendly. Chit-chat in the bar over. Some Romulan ale.

Later upon. Leaving the bar I realised he. Had recovered his weapon. He turned and shot at me, but he. Missed. I gave chase with my double-edged sword. But he reloaded and shot me. Thankfully the. Romulan ale numbed the. Pain.

Zilly reports:

Shot Ben Weber (inco police) last night, roughly 11pm, after a brief chase with him brandishing a lightsaber at me.

[21:00 PM] Osiris and Anubis kills incos Angelica (Anna Tindall), Scoop (Daniel Richman) and Charitable (Matthew Coates)
Anubis reports:

We began with Anna Tindall; we knocked on her door, waited outside her door and window and saw her nerf being loaded. A man came out of the dark, we panicked and ran upstairs, during which time Anna came out of the window and hid under the stairs. We came down the stairs, Osiris fired and just missed, Anna fired back, I leant back (Matrix-esque) and dodged the nerf bullet before unleashing 15 rubber bands upon her. Revenge for her killing me.

Next we went to see M Coates. He would not come out for a duel, no matter what terms we offered. We went back to ask Anna for some help, she said they were too good friends to do so. We offered to buy her a drink at Trinity bar, she complied, lured him out with supervision work and Osiris shot him.

We then went to hunt incompetent police at Selwyn. We knocked on Daniel Richman's door but he wsa not in. Osiris then coaxed John Cumners out for an inco-bash, and as they walked down the stairs, I sprayed Cumners.

As we chatted, Richman turned up and Osiris popped a nerf bullet in his chest.

These two dead police officers then took us to Yuan Zhang's door, but alas he was not in. I changed the status of his room from "out" to "in" on the board, and left a sticker of "co" next to this so that he knew as inco, he was being hunted.

We then attempted to enter Corpus, but could not gain access so went to Van of Life.

Let it be known that this night is the "Warning of the Gods" and that if our warning is not heeded, a wrath shall be a-coming.



Sunday, 22 February

[14:00 PM] Bantom of the Opera makes an error
Bantom of the Opera reports:

Today is not a good day for the Banter Mafia.
14:00 I'm outside [REDACTED] building which contains an inco, [REDACTED]. The weather is [CENSORED] freezing, and it might start raining soon. This could take a while.
14:30 My hands have pretty much turned into ice blocks. Not sure I could operate a nerf gun even if I wanted to. Anyway, there's been no sign of movement from that staircase yet.
14:40 Oooh! The incompetent [REDACTED] emerges from [REDACTED] staircase. At least, [gender pronoun REDACTED] looks identical to the photo of [REDACTED] I've seen. I'll follow for a while.
14:42 Inco's moving into college main site, very quickly. I'm following.
14:43 I call out the inco's first name "Hey - [REDACTED]?" Inco stops and turns around.
14:43 This must be the inco - same staircase, same appearance, right first name. I nerf the inco at point-blank range.
14:45 Seriously, that is the most absurdly unlucky mistaken identity ever.
14:49 Ok, so now I need a legal kill today, otherwise I'll become Wanted at midnight. Back outside [REDACTED] building.
14:50 My hands really [CENSORED] hurt. I'll hide inside the inco's staircase for a while, because warm and cosy.
14:53 Actually, this is a really vulnerable obvious position and I have no retreat route. Back outside.

[15:00 PM] Little Mai backstabs Taz Dingus (Danny Hunt)
Little Mai reports:

Today around midday I killed the wanted, incompetent Danny Hunt. I stabbed him in the back whilst he was collecting his bag to leave ultimate frisbee indoor varsity.

[16:10 PM] Bantom of the Opera redeems himself by killing Ennui (Sahil Youngs)
Bantom of the Opera reports:

After my accidental and unlucky killing of an innocent civilian today, I was desperate for a legal redemption-kill before tonight's update.

Luckily, the allies in my fortress informed me that an incompetent member of the Guild Police - Sahil Youngs - would be visiting the fortress later, in order to work on some secret technological developments.

Therefore, I went along to the gatehouse of my fortress to meet Sahil at 16:10pm. I greeted him politely, then fed him to my pet velociraptor, who is now developing quite a taste for incompetent members of the Guild Police.

Monday, 23 February

[09:25 AM] Alfred Bester (Douglas Hall) slain by Bantastic Mr Fox
Bantastic Mr Fox reports:

Today, at 9:25am, Douglas Hall cycled past me on Silver Street. I knew he was targeting me: I'd seen him lurking near my staircase last week. I recognised him. He was cycling away. I was walking.

It was time to act. I ran after him.

Luckily, by the time Douglas dismounted from the bicycle in Market Square, I had caught up with him on foot. The rest was easy: a sword stab in the back finished him off.

With apologies to my foe, who can scarcely be said to have deserved this death. But I do feel rather pleased with myself.

[18:30 PM] Aqua Grunt 1 kills police Osiris (Alexis de Vivenot) in self-defense
Aqua Grunt 1 reports:

The policeman's name was Osiris, I shot him as he and a policewoman stood outside my door waiting.

Tuesday, 24 February

[18:00 PM] NuosisMess (Lisa Lentati) gets on Banter Claus's naught list
Banter Claus reports:

Has Lisa Lentati been naughty or nice so far this year? I don't know, but she has been incompetent, so with no coal on hand, I gave her a knife. In the chest. In February.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Banta Claus

[19:42 PM] L gets inco Gernald Gernaldson (James Hoyle)
L reports:

Armed with epically oversized elastic band guns and conspicuous yet stylish assassin coats (the only thing that could possibly hide the guns) fellow police Osiris and I decided to hunt down the remaining incos. We started with Jacques Elliot, the last remaining member of Team Aqua. We got past a suspicious corridor-mate with the excuse that we were there for a French conversation exchange but had only been sat in his UNLOCKED room for 10 minutes when a civilian burst in and complemented us on our wonderful taste in coats. Having guessed correctly that she was an informant, we decided to relocate to stakeout the stairwell, where we encountered a troupe of informants. We exchanged fire with Jacques in the stairwell but the flurry of elastic bands was so intense that we couldn't tell if we had hit him or not - he disappeared before we could call timeout. Some of the bands had rebounded in such a way that suggested we had hit him, but without his confirmation we couldn't be sure.

With hindsight, Jacques, in a move which is begging for a Darwin Award, must have then scaled his 3 STOREY building, to try and get above us in the stairwell. When he popped his head down, we, assuming he had just slipped past us, chased him and he barricaded himself in his kitchen (or so we thought). He was actually attempting the suicidal climb from the kitchen window to his room's window, and upon survival, managed to pop out of his door and stab Osiris in the back. Vowing vengeance, we decided we should go before he actually killed himself...


At Corpus, we discovered our second open door of the night. We made sure James Hoyle's impressive array of weaponry was out of reach from the door and settled in. When he returned, we burst from our hiding places and destroyed him with an elastic band avalanche.

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