The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News

The big names in Team Rocket were impressed by my first two escapades, but it had been a while since I did anything for the company. With this in mind, my trusty Cyndaquil accompanied me as I staked out the Cambridge Battle Institute. There, in the distance, I spotted Officer Isobel with her back turned, and so I approached stealthily.
"Prepare for trouble!", I exclaimed, releasing Cyndaquil in a flurry of embers. Officer Isobel was taken off-guard for a few mere seconds as she sent out her Staraptor, its vast wingspan intimidating my poor Cyndaquil. This would be a much more difficult battle than the Weepinbell from last time...
With blazing speed, the Staraptor homed in on the fiery echidna with a fierce Brave Bird. "No, Cyndaquil! Hold on!" I cried. Cyndaquil had taken a beating, but the recoil damage had hurt Staraptor too. As Cyndaquil clung on, I saw as the flames on its back erupt with new life. "Cyndaquil, use Inferno!"
In a demonstration that has since led to Cyndaquil's nickname of 'Cyndakill', the room exploded in a cloud of heat and fire. Amongst the smoke and confusion I located Isobel's Staraptor, fainted and singed, and stuffed it into a cage. As I turned to give Cyndaquil a well-earned rest in its Pokéball, I was met instead by a white light - what's this? Cyndaquil is evolving! Stood before me was my partner in its new form: a Quilava! This was the icing on the cake, as surely I would now be promoted in the Team Rocket ranks. With Quilava bounding along and the fainted Staraptor in tow, we dashed off into the distance.
I have transferred Staraptor to Rocket HQ and I await further instructions.

I followed her into the zoology department building on her way to a lecture, called her name and stabbed her when she turned around.

11:30: A guy knocks on the door, asking if Golden Magikarp is in. Josh answers, saying Golden Magikarp is in his room, but he thinks Golden Magikarp might be asleep. The random guy leaves. Golden Magikarp heard the conversation, and runs after the random guy. As he is running down the staircase, Golden Magikarp fires 4 bullets. One bounces off the wall and hits the random guy. Random guy then shouts for a time out, whilst still in shooting range. Golden Magikarp stops shooting, annoyed. The guy says: I think you missed. I said I bounced off the wall, so that probably doesn't count. I then have to let the guy leave.

Attempted to kill an incompetent this morning. (If he's reading this: please don't actively try to target me. I'm probably not a legal target for you, because you're not officially my target...yet...)

His (police) room-mate tried to pretend he was asleep. It was fairly obvious he was actually hiding behind another door, holding a mega large nerf gun thing. So I retreated hastily and, umm...... ran away down the stairs.

The "incompetent" then emerged behind me with the gun. Luckily, his 3 shots either missed or rebounded off the walls (according to Weaponry Rules, rebounds don't count: a real bullet would just go straight through the wall!). I was busy, ummm... tactically squealing and running for my life.

Also, I only had a small nerf pistol. My opponent had 15 metres of staircase height advantage. So I...gave up. Both of us are still alive, we agreed. Praying Bantis very embarrassed...

Ante diem XII Kal. Mar. invasores pulsaverunt portae meae ut me necarent. Sociorum auxilium vocavi, sed priusquam hostes occidere possit, invasores retraxerunt. Insecutus sum hostes perarmatus, et perlustravi collegium locosque circumstantes, frustra.

5:00 PM. There's a knock on our door. My roommate, MetalGreymon (police) answers. Three assassins and a dead man ask whether Golden Magikarp is home, and MetalGreymon points at my room. After the previous assault that day, Golden Magikarp was prepared. He got out his nerf gun, and there was a 3 minute stalemate with the three assassins behind the outer door and Golden Magikarp behind the door to his room. Golden Magikarp then charges towards the bathroom, passing the outer door and shoots one of the assassins. From the bathroom, he gets an advantage by shooting through the gap between the door and the frame. The two assassins are driven back. MetalGreymon, who had told the assassins he is with the police, decides to join in to even up the battle and drive the trespassers out, not realizing that the battle was only 2v1, since the number of assassins outside was unknown. However, he gets shot in the head right away. Golden Magikarp manages to drive the other two out of his room, and shoot them in the staircase.

we decided that [REDACTED] should die, so we entered his staircase and looked into the kitchen from a window. The problem with that guy is that you have two people with the same, in the same College, reading the same subject, in the same year, both of whom were part of the guild. It's true, thank the Beast, they don't live next door anymore, but still: it's difficult to figure out how they look like. We saw someone in the kitchen who might have been him, but we weren't sure. The staircase was ready for this, they were all talking and chatting to each other; and so we decided we could accept a siege in his room, maybe use it for some satanic mass with our Pokémon. Again I thank the Beast, he left facebook open on his PC, so we could figure out how he looks like; during the siege we were entartained by some civilians in the staircase. Three of them at the beginning, when the door was open and [REDACTED] was firing through it, and just one, very nice indeed, when we closed the door. The siege ended when we decided to call for a truce and left, after carefully examining every piece of paper in the room to learn everything we could.

[REDACTED], [REDACTED] and I went to [REDACTED] tonight at around 21:00 to kill [REDACTED]. We managed to get into his room but got trapped inside by other [REDACTED] assassins. After around 20 minutes we agreed not to kill each other upon leaving and then left.

I shot Mikaela Belcher today near the sidgwick site. I was about 10 feet away from her and I said her name, she turned and began moving to stab me. I shot and my dart struck her while she was about 5 feet away (in the torso). About a second later she stabbed me (also in the torso).

Dear Umpire,

There are 2 problems that simply cannot be tolerated:

1) The presence of incompetent members of the Guild Police around Cambridge;
2) My pet velociraptor being hungry and not having any food.

Therefore, at a pleasantly bright and early hour of this fine morning, I located Nour Kharma, a newly incompetent member of the Police. There was a horrified civilian also watching, but I didn't care.

I sent in Vicky the Velociraptor to make the kill and have her breakfast.

For those who do not know Vicky the Velociraptor, she is very cuddly, very cute and very very lethal.

GRAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Which foolish mortal seeks to defile my tomb? Who, condemning themselves to an eternity of pain, would seek the key and the gate, and yet not remain for their pleas to be answered? An eternity, before which their shattered remains be allowed to rest, beckons.

I know the gate. I am the gate. I am the key and the guardian of the gate. They should not return, lest they be cast through into the void. Many have sought me before. None have returned.

--Heard in the presence of Yog-Sothoth, Lord of the Outer Darkness

Oh look an incompetent member of the Guild Police! (Samuel Mackey)

I know let's stab him while he's checking his pigeonhole!

That was fun! Now let's go for a nice hot dinner! I think there's stir fry on the menu tonight!

Yay!!

Cardinals are not permitted to spill blood, but on this occasion, I think, we can make an exception. His life was already paid for with the two he had killed in the past week, an error compounded by failure to confess.

Jordan Holgate was leaving a lesson in his place of scholarship, when I called the name of the last poor soul he had condemned. I cut his limbs, leaving him unable to move, and then smote him with my axe. At last, Kevin, you are avenged.

Cardinal Bishop Basilios Bessarion

On the 51st day, In the Year of Our Lord 2014.

Imbeciles! The rest of Team Rocket has proven themselves incapable of infiltrating a base as easy as John's, and here I am to clean up their mess. Thankfully my Admin status has blessed me with a wider roster of Pokemon at my disposal; I intended to test out my newest weapon this morning.
Once again I found myself at the Cambridge Battle Institute, loitering outside while I knew a Battle Masterclass was about to start. Right on cue, Cyclist Robert appeared, stopping as soon as we locked eyes. This was not the first time our paths had crossed in this term's game, and I was intent on making it the last.
"Prepare for trouble!"
Cyclist Robert sent out his Magnezone, which had evidently done some training at the Cambridge Power Plant since our last encounter. While Quilava had served me well thus far (and in fact would have made for a better type matchup), he remained in his Pokeball for this battle. "Go, Kyogre!"
I admit that I felt a little sheepish using Team Aqua's signature legendary in battle, but hey, it's a Kyogre. I had to at least try it, right? "Kyogre, use Water Spout!"
I crossed my fingers as the Magnezone took the hit, praying that it had Magnet Pull rather than Sturdy or else it may be able to OHKO Kyogre with a powerful Electric-type move. Thankfully the last imaginary pixel of Magnezone's HP vanished into blackness, and the battle was won in one fell swoop. With the Magnezone fainted and motionless, I powered up the electronmagnetic containment unit that Team Rocket can miraculously afford on its low income. Slowly the Magnezone was dragged towards the cage, the metal scraping painfully across the ground (lowering Kyogre's Special Defence in the process), as Cyclist Robert looked on in desperation. I returned Kyogre to its Ultra Ball and, with the Magnezone in tow, I made my escape.
I have transferred the Magnezone to Rocket HQ and I await further instructions.

Today is not a good day for the Banter Mafia.
14:00 I'm outside [REDACTED] building which contains an inco, [REDACTED]. The weather is [CENSORED] freezing, and it might start raining soon. This could take a while.
14:30 My hands have pretty much turned into ice blocks. Not sure I could operate a nerf gun even if I wanted to. Anyway, there's been no sign of movement from that staircase yet.
14:40 Oooh! The incompetent [REDACTED] emerges from [REDACTED] staircase. At least, [gender pronoun REDACTED] looks identical to the photo of [REDACTED] I've seen. I'll follow for a while.
14:42 Inco's moving into college main site, very quickly. I'm following.
14:43 I call out the inco's first name "Hey - [REDACTED]?" Inco stops and turns around.
14:43 This must be the inco - same staircase, same appearance, right first name. I nerf the inco at point-blank range.
14:44 IT'S NOT THE INCO - IT'S AN INNOCENT NON-PLAYER!!!! [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED]
14:45 Seriously, that is the most absurdly unlucky mistaken identity ever.
14:49 Ok, so now I need a legal kill today, otherwise I'll become Wanted at midnight. Back outside [REDACTED] building.
14:50 My hands really [CENSORED] hurt. I'll hide inside the inco's staircase for a while, because warm and cosy.
14:53 Actually, this is a really vulnerable obvious position and I have no retreat route. Back outside.
15:20 OH I GIVE UP I NEED A [CENSORED] CUP OF TEA.

After my accidental and unlucky killing of an innocent civilian today, I was desperate for a legal redemption-kill before tonight's update.

Luckily, the allies in my fortress informed me that an incompetent member of the Guild Police - Sahil Youngs - would be visiting the fortress later, in order to work on some secret technological developments.

Therefore, I went along to the gatehouse of my fortress to meet Sahil at 16:10pm. I greeted him politely, then fed him to my pet velociraptor, who is now developing quite a taste for incompetent members of the Guild Police.

Today, at 9:25am, Douglas Hall cycled past me on Silver Street. I knew he was targeting me: I'd seen him lurking near my staircase last week. I recognised him. He was cycling away. I was walking.

It was time to act. I ran after him.

Luckily, by the time Douglas dismounted from the bicycle in Market Square, I had caught up with him on foot. The rest was easy: a sword stab in the back finished him off.

With apologies to my foe, who can scarcely be said to have deserved this death. But I do feel rather pleased with myself.

The policeman's name was Osiris, I shot him as he and a policewoman stood outside my door waiting.

Has Lisa Lentati been naughty or nice so far this year? I don't know, but she has been incompetent, so with no coal on hand, I gave her a knife. In the chest. In February.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Banta Claus