Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Sunday, 30 January

[05:00 AM] Lemming Hunter did the morning thing.
Lemming Hunter reports:

Bellum incipebat.
Astranauarchus: quid obvenit?
Munitor: Aliquis nobis distendum erexit.
Utindus: nuntius nobis
Astranauarchus: Quid!!
Utindus: Potissimum Exhibitum Excitandum est mihi
Astranauarchus: Tute!!
FELES: Patricii quomodo valetis!!
FELES: Castrum omnia nobis insunt.
FELES: Deleamini
Astranauarchus: Quid!!
FELES: Non vobis fortuna superfuendi tempus facite est.
Astranauarchus: omnia 'zigga' emitteantur!!
Astranauarchus: vos voster facenda gnari sunt!!
Astranauarchus: 'zigga' decurrantur
Astranauarchus: pro magna iustitia.

Fiat uno!

[05:00 AM] Murphy Couldn't find any of their targets.
Murphy reports:

"While the wicked stand confounded, Call me with thy saints surrounded".

My father and brother did accompany my jaunt to the land of 5:oo am. We were awaiting those who had crossed over into true corruption, into our domain. We were to Kill Them All. i was strangely comfortable with it. they were not and did not show. (lazy prods). then we got a call. It was the fuckin russian's pager. the location was clear. one of our own was to fall. we used the rope like Charlie Bronson. This did not help. my sources indicate that I was unknown to our target. Unfortunately i was a little worse for alcohol and a little better after early mass. i also did not have wheels. he escaped six men with guns drawn (or one man with six guns, and "your telling me this guy was a senior friggin citizen?" at that).

Beware one day you shall look behind you and you will see we three, and on that day...

Murphy of The Saints

[05:45 AM] The Seal of Oreichalkos went looking for Il Douche
The Seal of Oreichalkos reports:

For what you are about to receive may the lord God make you truly grateful. As the bishop said to the actress.

[07:52 AM] Thalia really confused William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils
Thalia reports:

Me and some associates went out early Sunday morning and at 6:45AM I planted a bomb to the door of William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils' room. Although cruel to blow some one up the first day of the games, you need to be compassionless to be an assassin, so I threw stones at a cat, but it was too quick! but I think I've made my point??

William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils reports:

I awoke this morning to find a fake bomb outside my door - but alas, it has already exploded itself. There was string tied to my door handle but not tied to anything else, and a plastic bag in the middle of the corridor. They just dont make bombs like they used to!

Thalia reports:

Stupid bomb.

Ross Edmondson reports:

I do hope you didn't stone our friend Gus, the masters cat. If so, we shall be forced to wreak terrible retribution...

I'll go ask him now - one meow for yes, two for no...

[10:30 AM] Rowan Fields killed Jack Gillett (Jake)
Rowan Fields reports:

Just a quick report. Jack Gillet was emiminated at ~10:30am Sun 30th Jan.

Let the game continue!

Rowan Fields

Jake reports:

I got killed by some girls with a gun this morning and then opened a letter under my door that had talcom powder in. Tough break, eh!

The Umpire notes that both the kill and the mutilation were from the same source.

[10:50 AM] blue sky thinking gave Ross Edmondson something to ponder.
blue sky thinking reports:

Ah! The early morning in Cambridge! What a glorious sight to behold! I wish I could have enjoyed it more on my stroll today, but my mind was preoccupied somewhat with a mission I had set myself, in an attempt to boost my own sense of samaritanivityationness. A fellow colleague, who had been clearly suffering low self esteem of late, required some rather urgent attention. Naturally I decided that successfully disarming a bomb would be a fantastic way to give him that get-up-and-go spirit (rather than get-up-and-go-boom! ha! you see? with positive mental thinking (PMT) like me you too can make hilarious jokes!). I just hope he manages it, but at least if he doesn't I've called dibs on his stapler. It's red.

Ross Edmondson reports:

Happily, I spent the night away from my room. However, my friends from Durham were staying there instead. This morning, on leaving, Richard and Julia were sadly blown to pieces and scattered across the corridor. I returned half an hour later, to find a bit of a mess.

[11:49 AM] Thalia got paranoid.
Thalia reports:

2 girls knocked on my door. I think they were assassins. 2 other people in my college also got 2 girls matching the description knocking at the door. No one let them in. It is very suspicious, and worrying.

[14:00 PM] Melpomene attempted to poison Milk-Free
Melpomene reports:

At 1330 left a poisoned letter for Milk-Free

Milk-Free reports:

At about 2 pm today I arrived back in college to find a suspicious letter in my pidgeonhole. A few investigative pokes with my knife allowed me to extract the item and I gave it a cautious sniff. Instantly my nostrils filled with the noxious aroma of marmite, making me retch. Back in the safety of my room I pulled on some rubber gloves to allow a more comprehensive study, but alas no clues as to its origin were found.

I safely disposed of the offending article before it could cause further harm.

[14:12 PM] blue sky thinking bombed The Prophet Amos
blue sky thinking reports:

Whilst returning from the hopeful enlightment of my (hopefully not for long) troubled collegue and, of *course*, friend, I thought I'd pay another associate a visit. He too had seemed a tad not too happy of late (I think it might have been to do with a chicken pesto sandwich he'd left in the office communal fridge...I's communal, it's there to encourage a communal spirit, giving, taking... there's no need to start threatening my cat at any rate...), so I thought I'd leave him a present too. Hopefully a lesson in bomb disposal will bring him as much joy as I had laying down the course notes, so to speak. On the other hand, he *does* have the most swivelly chair in the office...

Blue Sky Thinking

The Prophet Amos reports:

I awoke this morning to find a defused bomb and a note from my college father reading "Saved your life, gayboy". He and I both hope that he will not be inconvenienced further. Thankyou. Amos. x

[14:30 PM] Lauren Grest found a present outside her room.
Lauren Grest reports:

Dear Mr Birch,

I returned home to find that someone had kindly left a bottle of milk outside my room. Being fairly bleary-eyed from last night's debauchery, I sighed and stood at a distance from the milk bomb (for future reference, I like orange juice better or if you want me to love you long time, any kind of alcoholic beverage would be welcome). I then spent about 5 minutes throwing my bag at it and it wouldn't fall over. On closer inspection, it was an "innocent" bottle of milk from my lovely neighbours, Carradamie. How cruel of them to torment me like this. Completely unprovoked ;)

Lauren Grest

Also, the umpire is a dork.

[15:00 PM] Killer McDeath made several attempts on Clio
Killer McDeath reports:


I'm writing to tell you that I've made two attempts on the life of Clio, namely, "Special Letter" in his pigeon hole and I knocked on his door but he wasn't in.

Clio reports:

10:20 Some girl tried to kill Clio

While calmly resting in sugar land behind a locked door, I heard the following conversation - "Is Clio in?" "I don't know. Probably not. Shall I tell him you called?" "No, I'll just run away now."

15:00 Some girl's poisoned letter failed to impress Clio

Oh, a girl I thought! I wonder if she loves me too *bounce* *bounce* Donning gloves in case she was a bitter lover, I became aware of her wonderful scent - divine. But then I realised it was talcum powder and this was not a love letter but attempted murder. My heart is broken. But I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

[15:13 PM] SavvyMarmot "Q", "rubber band", "f", "k"ed at Xerxes, the Arch-Lich
Xerxes, the Arch-Lich reports:

"In which direction?"
"Your friend talks about their morning."
"SavvyMarmot fires! The rubber-band misses!"
"In which direction?"
"In which direction?"

[15:16 PM] Thalia left a bomb for Mushroom
Thalia reports:

Feeling in the mood I went to Mushroom's room at 7:10AM and planted a bomb there. It's just upsetting thinking about it, the poor girl. I thought of a joke though. Knock Knock, who's there? BOOM!!! It's in poor taste I know, but I think it sums up the situation well, except for the knocking, and if someone hasn't diffused it and stolen it, that would be annoying.

Mushroom reports:

This morning an attempt on my life was made. Fortunatly a neighbor came past and dismantled the bomb before I left my room. Someone will pay for this... Mushroom

The Umpire notes that non-players should not be dismantling bombs they find. If neighbours are disarming your bombs, please ask them to stop. They are perfectly at liberty to inform you that there is a bomb on your door, but you should be responsible for safely removing it.

[15:20 PM] Milk-Free and Deebo had all sorts of ideas for Kirsty Reger
Deebo reports:

Deebo reporting in. Kirsty Reger will hopefully die the next time she trys to cook something, well she better! It's a hell of a trek to that damn Wolfson place, her pans inside her own personal cupboard have "vasilinogen" a well known toxin on the undersides of their handles. I worked in this effort with an associate, Mr Milk-Free

The Umpire notes that contact poison should not be used in a public place. If you think you can poison something that only your target will touch, you're welcome to try, but will be made wanted if it kills an innocent. Deebo was informed of this, and managed to return to clean off the poison before anyone was hurt.

Kirsty Reger reports:

Saucepan? Oh, my Jenny Green-Teeth defense mechanism - I certainly never use it for cooking.

Deebo reports:

Deebo reporting:

This afternoon Milk-Free and I made the long trek to the place they call Wolfson Court. Kirsty Reger now has a bomb sitting outside her room, I don't think she was in, as we made enough noise to alert the entire corridor!

Kirsty Reger reports:

Arriving back at my room I found a bomb outside my door. Obviously inferior handiwork - despite my care there was an obvious lack of secondary detonators or contact poison. Defused.

Regarding the recent attempt on the life of Chardsville mafioso Kirsty Reger:

Milk-Free and Deebo, this is unacceptable, I demand the death of Kirsty Reger! I'm going to put a contract on your head! Muahahaha. Next time, do not fail!

Don Chard.

[16:30 PM] William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils caught James Wardley (Giles Caulderwood) off guard as he killed Carl Whitehead (chesney hawks)
Giles Caulderwood reports:


Walked around Cripps for a bit, saw a couple of dodgey looks; was my cover blown? Decided to ring a friend, see where she was and give up. Then I saw him! He walked passed, stared at me and looked like he was scared... HIM!!!

I went and hid in his toilet, the door naturally closes with a slight gap on his door; perfect!!!!!!! Waiting for 5 minutes I saw him fumbling with his keys trying to get in. I jumped out and started to fire. S H I T !!! He started to fun, got to his stairwell and fell over, 5 bands in the back of his head. DEAD!!!

Unfortunately he had called the cavilry and William Wordsworth pushing up daisys got me as I was consealing my weapon. Bugger, caught with my gun out... Ah well least I took Carl down first!

James Wardley (Giles Caulderwood)

chesney hawks reports:

Giles Colderwall (or something like that) just shot me. He came out the toilets and scared me rather a lot. But, unlucky for him he died also, thank god mafias exist. He had his gun out and my assassin playing friend William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils took advantage of this loophole and shot him.

The Umpire notes that there are no mafias in Cambridge. Surely?

William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils reports:

A friend of mine noticed a suspicious character wandering the roads of cripps court, looking lost and on a mission. He took immediate action in assembling a crack team to investigate, and we began an operation to check the rooms of each known assassin to see if this character was headed in their directions. Having completed the search and found nothing suspicous my good friend returned to his corridor, where he was at once ambushed from the kitchen. The assassin, looking quite pleased with himself, left the building with gun in hand... unfortunately for him I happened to cross his path whilst he was bearing arms. He met his unfortunate end at the hands of several of my finest rubber bands.

[17:20 PM] Hello, and Die surprised Eleanor Scull (the enchantress)
Hello, and Die reports:

Well what can I say. I was bored. And as such decided a quick trip across town to Tit Hall wouldn't be amiss. Arriving there, and finding a load of staircases, but that of my targets, I was initially confused, and after walking around the courtyard thinking "B, C, D, E.. ???" But where's A!!! Anyway, B looking just as interesting, I walk though it to find A on the otherside. Walk up and find myself in the bar.... Hmmm.... Luckly for this atempt it wasn't open yet, so I choose the other door and head up. Finding my targets door ajar and hearing load music, I jump in, brandishing my trusty pistol and shooting the poor girl with 4 bullets. She breathes out "Well that wasn't very nice was it..." before slowly slumping across her work, her blood already staining the neat words upon the page... Anyway, Hello, and DIE!!!!

the enchantress reports:

Hi, just to let you know i've been killed (by an elastic band of all things) by Hello, and Die

[17:35 PM] William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils gave Maria Sedelnikova (Belaya dama) a lethal examples sheet.
William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils reports:

I paid a visit to Maria Sedelnikova of Newnham today... alas, no answer came upon tap tap tapping her door, so I had to settle for leaving a poisoned letter in her pidgeonhole. Time will tell whether the dark chemicals will stop her cold, black heart.

Belaya dama reports:

Oh well, after surviving for a total of 12 hours, I hav been poisoned by a Materials Question sheet. I knew that work would be the death of me.

Bloody good idea though.

Belaya Dama

[18:30 PM] David Stephen Hall poisonned James Appleton's shoes
David Stephen Hall reports:

I arrived in Girton College at 5:30 pm with the intention of raiding the room of a certain James Appleton. Arriving at the premises I saw that he had one of those funny double-door things. I cautiously openned the outer door and saw a pair of his trainers lying in the small space between this and the inner door, and suddenly my plan changed.

Fashioning a shallow bowl out of a bottle, I filled it to the brim with poisoned water and inserted it into his shoe along with a note declairing it to be an attempt upon his life. If he puts his foot in the water, or picks up the show and splashes himself, he will be dead within seconds.

[18:38 PM] John William Edward O'Brien (Mystic Mole) died to his target, Flaming Manakin
Mystic Mole reports:

The Mystic Mole successfully borrowed through Harvey Court security, but was stopped short by his target's ingenious strategy of not being at home. Left a little note, which although not poisoned or explosive has probably been smeared with mole mucus at some point.

...This however was a mere afternoon distraction to while away the time before the vicious nerfing of a carefully researched target. Sadly said carefully researched target had also carefully researched said mole. Was distracted by an accomplice while the target destroyed me with a 12 bore rubber band. Apologies to Selwyn porters who will have to remove the guacamole from the walls.

Needless to say, I had the last laugh. I was so moved to pity by how easily my prey was walking into the trap I had brought him a muffin to say sorry. I ate the muffin instead, and it was delicious.

Flaming Manakin reports:

Today was suspuiciously sunny for cambridge. Alas, I suspected this may be my first and last days work as an assassin. I discovered, in my email box, a mail from a charming individual who claimed to be interested in the same remote line of academic work as myself. However, I was suspicious of the terminology he used, and discovered, through spy networks, that his subject was in fact one quite different to my own! Deciding the time was ripe to eliminate one of my stalkers, I replied to the invader in friendly terms, offeing him a glass of my very best port. I lurked in the shadows outside college, waiting for him to emerge. Eventually a suspicious looking being, clad in black, appeared on bicycle, and proceeded to pace up and down. A brave and loyal accomplice of mine was able to distract him with friendly chit-chat while I administered the death shot from behind. He howled as he died, in frustration and agony. However, I had no mercy for him and allowed him to bleed to death, and the cambridge vultures to feast upon his corpse.

[19:00 PM] Generalissimo F N Spingu and Melpomene battled furiously, and Raphael shot Thalia's roommate.
Generalissimo F N Spingu reports:

At 1800 this evening the dashingly pair of Generalissimo FN Spingu and Raphael left their lodgings and headed westward towards a squat angular building that houses at least two known assasins. A disappointing climb to Melpomene's room only to elicit no response led to increased tensions for the next attack. Quivering with barely suppressed eagerness the black clad shapes slid through the shadows across the top of the fortress and onto their next prey. A reveberating knock on the door led to footsteps, and a fresh faced young man peered around the frame in a suspicious manner. With a sibilant whisper Raphael demanded, "Are you the one?", yet the young man boldly announced with a grin that he was not the one we sought, making a quick move towards his pocket. The lighting reflexes of Raphael would have been impressive had he not actually rubbered down the wrong man, instead of Thalia as intended.

Fleeing from the carnage, Raphael joined the Generalissimo who was waiting at the foot of the stairs, and they made their way back to the original targets room. Knowing the way, the climb was significantly faster, and the pair took up positions hidden amongst the random chairs and kitchens they found there. This time, the knock brought forth a response from a paranoid Melpomene who refused to open the door until he was fully certain that the Generalissimo was who he said he was (that is, not in fact the Generalissimo). After a lengthy conversation the door opened mysteriously with no-one in sight, so Spingu forced the door back as far as it would go. This was not particularly far, as it later appeared that Melpomene was hiding behind said door, and still opened it despite the presence of a spyhole which should have showed him that the visitor was not who he claimed to be but a RBG wielding maniac dressed in a black trenchcoat (so obviously an assassin or a disturbed member of the public who thought he was Neo). There ensued a furious firefight around the door, as Spingu could not get further into the room due to streams of water emanating from Melpomene's pistol, and Melpomene couldn't escape due to the guy pinning him into the corner with the door. After Melpomene recieved a flesh wound to the arm, the door which played such a significant part in this saga slammed shut (note alliteration), and the repulsed pair set of on the trek East to Gardi's to drown their sorrows in chilli sauce and fat.

The Umpire notes that this is not a game involving force, and should physical strength factor in any kill, said kill will likely be annulled.

Melpomene reports:

Just shot in the arm by rbg weilding assassin. Fired some water at him but unsure of direct body/head hit.

Thalia reports:

When I got back I found that my room had been attacked a second time by 2 different assassins and they had shot my room mate in the face. IN THE FACE!!! This has deeply upset me. Blood is a real stainer.

In his dying breaths he told me it was 2 men that did this if it helps find them. Now my room has one door that leads to a small corridor that has 2 other locked doors for our rooms. Sam clearly said no when asked if he was me and he said no. Then they shot him. I would very much like whoever killed my roommate (who is an innocent) to be put on the wanted list, so I may personally blow their room up.

For his crime, Del Ahmed has been placed on the wanted list. Redemption shall be obtained with the death of two targets, or one wanted criminal, should more appear.

[20:55 PM] Murphy looked for Rose
Murphy reports:

"whilst the wicked stand confounded, call me with thy saints surrounded".

In the evening another attempt was planned, however, instead of dealing justice in a most extreme and just manner, we blew up a car. i blame the strongbow. guinness is the drink of proffesionals. We did not take care of the one target we did see as he was "a good man" and "he isn't to be touched".

murphy's luck seems to be with us all.

[21:45 PM] The Roasted Rooster poisoned Michael Wallace (blue sky thinking)'s public fridge.
blue sky thinking reports:

It would appear that some nasty person thought I didn't deserve my evening cup of tea, and smeared some of their nastiness onto my milk cartoon. I'm just glad that none of my neighbours had made the mistake of using some of the milk themselves. They'd've been in for a far worse death without PMT like mine...

blue sky thinking

The Roasted Rooster reports:

18:23 30 January 2005: poisoned Michael Wallace. Perhaps if given more time I would have dusted for fingerprints on the milk bottle*S* and deduced which belonged to Michael. However, impatient to get to a meal out in ten minutes I did a quick and dirty job and hoped that Michael is particularly fond of milk...

For endangering innocents, Ying Chow has been placed on the wanted list. Redemption in two legal target kills, or one wanted kill.

[21:46 PM] Christopher Field stayed in bed and let RADAR do all the work. Again.
Christopher Field reports:

Dearest Umpire,

Today I didn't do anything.

Chris Field

Monday, 31 January

[07:15 AM] Melpomene applejuiced Kirsty Reger
Kirsty Reger reports:

I have just spent half an hour 'defusing' 2L of toxic apple juice. Having worked out how to remove the parcel from my p'hole from a safe distance (no mean feat since it filled the entire hole, and was stuck in quite tightly) I was met by a growing pool of liquid. I wore gloves to clear it up, and avoided contaminating the porter who helpfully provided paper towels. Honestly.

[08:45 AM] Simeon Bird met an old friend
Simeon Bird reports:

On my way back from a night of revelry, I chanced to spy Adam Biltcliffe. Taking up a safe position, he proceeded to ask me in the politest possible terms what I was doing in the Cavendish. I replied, entirely truthfully, that I had been helping to make sure the sun had come up that morning, and was now on my way home. For some strange reason, he seemed a little suspicious of my explanation...

[09:04 AM] Lemming Hunter Philip Howard (Hrothgar the Scribe) occidit
Lemming Hunter reports:

Veni. Vidi. Vici. Quinque diffusilibus anellis immissibus.

(with apologies to Arlo Guthrie): Novi Yorki, aedificium via Albatrium nomine, quod contacturus deserturus iniacturus inspecturus deprensurus selecturusque ambulet est. Olim causa physicam probationem obtinendi ingredi sedique, multo bibito nocte priore ut mane optimus comparerem contractaremque. Puer panamericanus abusque urbi Novi Yorki comparare volui. Volui, volui contractatre pan- Yorki Novi abusque panamericanus ita sedi ingredique. Propendi sum detuli sum suspensi sum et mihi omnigena insuaves turpesque facti sunt. mihi me Ingresso sessoque papyrum dederunt et dicebant, "in argutiomedici conclavem, numero DCIV i"

Et ego, scansus, dicebam, "argutiomedice, interficere volo. Volo volo interficere. Interfecturus Esse. Volo volo videre sanguinem cruoremque iliaque et in dentibus venas videre volo. Corporibus crematis cenare. Conficere letare necare perimere." Et circumsilire ululareque coepi "occidere occidere" et ipse circumsilire ululareque coepit "exanime caedeque" et conquisitor appropinquabat et mihi insignem affixebat et me dimittebat et dicebat "Ecce homo!"

Et factum est proelium in caelo Michahel et angeli eius proeliabantur cum dracone et draco pugnabat et angeli eius

Hrothgar the Scribe reports:

Carrying my gun in the back of my belt was a bad idea. As I left for lectures, Lemming Hunter shot me to pieces with a fine RBG before I could defend myself.

The bomb I found two minutes earlier had been left by the same Lemming Hunter, and was not detonated, it was unset.

hrothgar the scribe

[11:10 AM] Christopher Field met Simeon Bird as well.
Christopher Field reports:

My dear Umpire,

I feel compelled to inform you that I met Mr. Simeon Bird today. He isn't nearly as handsome as you.

Chris Field

[12:00 PM] Il Douche also looked for Rose, and had some weird hallucinations...
Il Douche reports:

"Oh lord, raise me to thy right hand, and count me among thy saints"

Yesterday, I Wet my sword (rain only) and set out to repay those who hate me. they were cowardly fuckers. 5:00

at midday i attempted, via subterfuge, to execute a target. bastard ran away.

last night my son blew up a car. he asked me how far he was to go with this. i responded "the question is not how far, the question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to take it as far as is needed"?

i may have been smoking something.

Il Douche.

[14:34 PM] Conner did another round trip
Conner reports:

And so once again we three did set out to rid Cambridge of some filth. After yesterday's embarrassing motor incident, we set off on bikes. Fully armed, my father and brother went in search of our targets. We lay in wait for target number 1, then asked a neighbour for information on his whereabouts. He had "gone bowling". Leaving a bomb when he's out is just pointless. Target number 2's residence was guarded by a fearsome-looking bunch of porters. I managed to gain entry to the house of my third, but could not find him once inside. We could also not gain entry to Harvey Court when we went in search of Raphael.

"We three shall spread our blackened wings and be the vengeful striking hammer of God."

Conner of The Saints

[15:00 PM] Lauren Grest "ooh! handbags!"sed Paul Fox
Lauren Grest reports:

It was Foxy's birthday last week and I bought him a little present. When I say bought, I mean I found an amusing plastic bag in the toilets of Caffe Nero. The bag had the word "Foxhole" emblazoned across it in fetching bold type. Thinking Mr Fox would enjoy being the proud owner of such a bag, I neatly folded it up and put it in the UMS.

Foxy, darling, I hope you liked my little gift and you didn't spend too many hours disarming it. I know you are the nervous type but as a consolation for the fearI have no doubt caused, I hear the bag is big enough to carry all kinds of corporate tat from "Undisclosed Locations" to the foxhole ;)

Lauren Grest

Paul Fox reports:

Having found a decidedly suspicious looking envelope in my mailbox, and suspecting a letter filled with a deadly poison, I prepared to open it taking the customary precautions, including covering the floor with Varsity (about all it is good for), and using impermeable carrier bags from everyone's favourite supermarket as impromptu gloves.

Inside I found not a letter covered in [insert name of substance], nor a miniature bomb, but a completely harmless plastic carrier bag. With "FOXHOLE" written on it.

Very funny.

PS: Please note that I prefer carrier bags filled with sweets or biscuits or, if you want me to love you long time, used Bank of England banknotes with non-sequential serial numbers. Also by my decree, the official name of my residence is "foxypad".

[16:44 PM] Terranova poisoned Alex Wilkes (fishpaste)
fishpaste reports:

I was killed today by a poison letter, signed "terranova"

: (

Terranova reports:

Monday 31/02/05 8.26am: I started the day with a beautifully crafted poisoned letter, delivered to Alex Wilkes at Clare College. Can murder really be this easy?


[17:12 PM] Terranova did not impress Mademoiselle Noire
Mademoiselle Noire reports:

Bien, je suis arrivé de retour à l'université que cet après-midi pour découvrir que j'avais recieved une lettre spéciale. Etre d'esprit astucieux j'ai emprunté un gant de caoutchouc d'un ami et ai ouvert la lettre dehors. Le Bicarbonate de soude est allé partout dans le plancher, pas, unfortuantly pour mon assassin, n'importe où près de moi. Vous devrez être de mieux attraper Madamoiselle Noire ! Aussi, ne pas signer vos lettres ! La lettre a été aussi marquée dans les grandes lettres « l'agent de Nerf » et avait seulement le refus dans les très petites caractères sur le fond. Une infraction des règles ! Au revoir !

And forr all yoou ignorante Eenglish peoples, un petit summarie: "I recieved une lettre, but, I did not die. Le assassin, beeing an Eenglish pig, put 'is name on the bottom."

Madamoiselle Noire

The Umpire apologises for the problems displaying accented characters, and promises that the problem is being worked on.

[19:30 PM] Timotaeus Minimus stalked John-Joseph Samuel Wilks for a bit
Timotaeus Minimus reports:

at 19.30 today I did follow one JJ Wilks for some distance through town in close proximity. The dastardly mutt spotted me after a while, so I didn't get to laugh at him as much as I could have

[20:03 PM] X-Source greeted his target with (Hello, and Die) Chris Greensides.
Hello, and Die reports:

Ahhh... How I hate Google Stalking...
Got killed by two guys outside my plodge this evening.
They Knew who I was...
They knew what I looked like...
They knew where I came from...
And they certainly knew where I was going...
To a cold dark grave!
The one that killed me was called X-Source or something.
Hello, and Die (Chris Greensides)

X-Source reports:

01:00 - I decided to do a bit of reconnaisance today so snooped around the enemy's quarters and surroundings. In one building, someone dived for cover, but it was unlikely to be my target, and i was ill-prepared to attack someone in their home-base, so keeping in the spirit of reconaissance missions, returned home to gather all the top secret sensitive information I had put together. Be very scared.

After having done my reconaissance mission earlier this afternoon, I decided it was time to go in for the kill. Having heard formal was on at Claires, I patiently waited with a friend until Chris Greensides came into view. My skilled reconnaisance from earlier that day meant I knew exactly who I was on the watchout for, and it was only a matter of whether he would walk past the porter's lodge. After a long wait, i distinguished a shadow that slowly turned into my target. As he walked next to me, the glint from my gun caught his eye and he began to run. Unfortunately, he suffered several shots in the back and spectators gathered around his corpse. He muttered a few words of thanks and of finding freedom and he then rushed off to some higher place.

[20:45 PM] "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!"
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

The peasant protested, but we really had run out of potatoes, and his was the only farm nearby. In the end the commissar prevailed upon him, and he hid inside while we availed ourselves of his root vegetables.

[22:52 PM] Melpomene and friends paid a visit to Raphael
Raphael reports:

At approximately 2040 today four pathetic excuses for assassins came for the wanted criminal, Raphael. After being alerted to their shoddy presence (i'm sorry but it has to be said - even a blind dude could have told me they were assassins, at least i didnt get hunted while being the hunter!), Raphael and an associate hunted for these pitiful creatures, who, being the cowardly swine they are, hid. Wassup, 2:1 ratio not good enough for you? Upon returning to his lodgings, Raphael, alone now discovered the identity of his pursuers - led by a cowardly Melpomene. Aside from abusing the trust of a 'friend' upon whom he rather randomly called to 'have a cup of tea', Melpomene fled when he realised the odds were even.

take note,


[23:00 PM] Melpomene had a potshot at David Stephen Hall
David Stephen Hall reports:

I would like to report a failed attempt upon my life.

I was sitting at my computer working when my window was pulled open and an evil assailant shot me repeatedly with a small water pistol. He then ran off into the night.

However brilliant this attempt was, the man should have remembered that my room is a 'no water' zone. The deadly contents of his weapon were rendered harmless by a mysterious force field, leaving me unhurt. I grabbed my gun and ran off after him, but I was too late and he got away. Coming back to assess the damage, I can report that fortunately my computer is unscathed despite being in the line of fire, although my lecture notes are a little soggy. He also completely failed to miss my potted plant, which is a pity as it was also in the line of fire and would have at least meant his little visit had achieve something.

Melpomene reports:

After a 2 hour reconnaissance mission I finally discovered the myth of the impenetrability of wolfson court was ill founded. An open door to the same court yard as my poor victim led to an open window. True it opened in the wrong direction so a quick trip round the courtyard and looking into peoples room (okay I alerted Dave's neighbour), slid open the window and blasted out a few mls of water into the heart of the ex Dave Hall. A quick exchange of, 'so it's Dave?', 'yup, well done' and I was out of that place as quickly as an unfit natsci who managed to do his knee in during a lecture can go. Where are your webcams now, Wolfy?

The Umpire urges all players to note the water status of their targets' rooms. Melpomene has been made wanted , but will be redeemed on the successful kill of two targets, or one wanted criminal.

Tuesday, 1 February

[00:34 AM] Murphy started to feel lonely.
Murphy reports:

"While the wicked stand confounded, Call me with thy saints surrounded".

No kills again. all scared of murphy. maybe because i have a blackbelt in fujitsu. i'll smack you with a washing machine if you let me. I will find and i will kill. anyone for a game of pelutheo? its a south american ball game. The balls are whacked against a brick wall with a stout wooden bat untill the prisoner confesses.

Untill next time

Murphy of the Macmanus brothers

[01:21 AM] March Hare killed Thomas Pope (Black Cat) after much confusion.
March Hare reports:

Tonight, three men (Generalissimo F N Spingu, March Hare, Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective)and made their way with multiple evil intent to the nether regions of cambridge. After several abortive stakeouts, they moved on to the abodes of March Hare's and Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective's targets. We knocked on our side by side targets doors. This got no response from Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective's target, but a timid query from Black Cat. The game was in my ball park. We initiated a kitchen stakeout after it was evident that Black Cat would not be coming out. after a few minutes the third door along (not a target) opened and a man came out saying on his mobile "...outside your room you say?" He spotted me and fled to his room. After a short while, we were getting tense, and when a young man nonchalantly wandered down the corridor in front of us whistling listlessly. We ajourned to the quad, and watched as the man wandered in and out of the college for a while. The out of the corridor came two men looking incredibly shifty (one hand in pocket), and they walked out of the college, checking on all sides constantly. Spingu tailed them, and watched them go into the pub, and we all watched as they walked back again on the other side of the street, the shorter guy glancing at us the entire time. They entered their other side of the college... and the shorter guy watched us through a almost closed door for a while. So we moved out of sight. After 10 mins, the shorter guy walked back out, and towards the main college - hand firmly entrenched in his pocket. suspecting this was my target, i followed, and called his name. The alertest man I had seen that evening suddenly turned into a deaf man with no need to look to either side...and sped up. So i chased, calling his name again, and once more for luck. He should have given some sign that he heard something - after all, i was but two metres away. Then a guy (of the mobile phone) came out of the doorway, and spotted the three men closing in on his friend. Quickly pulling an about turn and joining the other man they sped up even more towards the target corridor. Taking this as all the confirmation I needed, i pumped 3 RBs into his back from a metre away, and claimed "Tom or not, you are dead". The man with mortal wounds sped up a final time, and my last sight was of them dissapearing round the door.

The wizard in training reports:

Heard a comotion in the coridor and steped out to see a devious looking fellow lurking in the kitchen. Promptly shut the door and began cowering within. Later saw them by the porters lodge turned around and escaped unharmed.

Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

Things got a little hairy in college earlier; I didn't care though. The eternal beats in my head drown everything else out... I was and always am Rocking the Kaz Bar.

[02:15 AM] The Chatty Hunter sent the Umpire this.
The Chatty Hunter reports:

"The Chatty Hunter plots in the night, woe betide those who are scared of a fright!"

The Umpire notes that when reporting, assassins should include in their email a note of what is actually going on even if it is not a part of the report. No competence can be given if the event makes no sense. (in general, include the time of day, what happened, and please, include who you were making an attempt on.)

[08:25 AM] J-stream couldn't stop the Duracell Bunny
Duracell Bunny reports:

On returning to my room this morning I discovered a suspicious note attached to my door. There appeared to be no contact poison so I held the note up to the light to read the message before opening. An exploding letter from J-Stream. The offending note was then disposed of by controlled explosion.

[09:00 AM] David Stephen Hall killed James Appleton (Tyr / also known as / Aegnor)
David Stephen Hall reports:

This morning I was cycling along when I espied a certain James Appleton ride past me. Clearly someone up there liked me. I sped up and gave chase, drawing my band gun and taking aim at his back. The first shot hit him square between the shoulder blades, on his rucsac, but he didn't notice this mortal wound. Deciding to clarify matters more thouroughly I drew level and took aim at his side.

"Sorry about this." I said, before firing another two shots into his side. He fell from his bike in a spray of blood, a look of surprise on his face. After stopping briefly to positively identify the body, I continued on my way.

James Appleton reports:

Whilst cycling on the way to lectures, usually a relatively safe practise, I was by chance recognised, and in what for him ought to incite guilt, cowardly shot in cold blood upon the road by an honourless member of my own family. Vengeance will be exacted, blood must be paid for with blood, in this life or the next...

[10:02 AM] Thalia Still couldn't find any Mushroom
Thalia reports:

I went back to Mushroom's place again for another try. Unfortunately couldn't find anyone.

[10:55 AM] Michael Conterio (Abhorsen) Succumbed to the first flare of Wrath
Wrath reports:

"I don't like horses."

"No, neither do I."

"They smell."

"And pollute the streets of London with their... excrement."





Abhorsen reports:

I thought in Ancelstierre I would be safe from the dead for a while. However, ignorant Ancelstierrians do not understand us. I neglected to remember that technology does work south of the Wall, and was shot in the back while I thought I was safe. Luckily my body was preserved and healed, so I don't have to walk beyond the 9th gate, and I will be back to protect the Kingdom from the dead once more. Until then, I can only hope the Abhorsen-In-Waiting is equal to the task.

[12:27 PM] Cheddar Gorge tried to poison Baldrick's Turnip
Cheddar Gorge reports:

If the Umpire who is very, very, very, hairy yet strangely and inexplicably and surprisingly and hence generally attractive should happen to send you a short but interesting yet excitingly formatted e-mail with a list of young and largely large but still mature and adult targets but you are feeling very, very lazy because you have just finished surprisingly yet sneakily and altogether unexpectedly ambushing cows in the market in the centre of the city in the Earth with giant yet astoundingly bouncy and unusually sincere kangaroos then you should attempt to attempt to kill or murder or maim or injure or terminate or somehow cause them to die or expire or self-destruct by sending them a yet unopened letter of the alphabet with a small but significant yet fairly discreet yet fairly dangerous while cheesy poison.

Baldrick's Turnip reports:

Someone tried to kill me again. A very official looking envelope in the pigeon hole, which didn't make the pigeon very happy. Unfortunately, I've taken to opening my mail with a handy parsnip, so no harm done.

[13:52 PM] the enchantress didn't impress Black Cat
Black Cat reports:

"the enchantress" attempted assassination on Black Cat by means of poisoned letter. The letter was safely disposed of using high quality gore-tex gloves and the allegations of sex crimes against ducks are untrue - repeat: untrue

[13:53 PM] Mademoiselle Noire Sally McGrath (Killer McDeath) a empoisonne dans le foyer avec les Petits Gâteaux de Ch
Mademoiselle Noire reports:

Ah bien ! Madamoiselle Noire frappe ! Et frappe bien ! A l'aide de quelque chili spécial a infusé des petits gâteaux que j'ai tué Sally McGrath après ses conférences de matin. Je l'ai offert simplement un et elle l'a pris. Je me suis sauvé au cas où les autres assassins étaient présents, et a manqué malheureusement son courir autour de crier dans l'agonie. Apparantly qu'il amusait tout à fait. Beaucoup grâce à Expea dont le l'idée c'était pour faire les Petits Gâteaux de Chili en premier lieu quand il a mangé un chili et quelque pâte de petit gâteau en même temps hier après-midi. Il a joué une partie de invaluble dans l'assassinat d'un de ses amis. Encore, je vous remercie. Prendre garde tout !

"I kiilled Sally McGrath avec un Chilli Cookie, she died a veery pain-ful deeath" Ignorant Eenglish peoples!

Killer McDeath reports:

I was walking out of a lecture this morning and was greeted by my friend, Mademoiselle Noire. "Hi Sally, how are you?" she said. My boyfriend & I had fun last night making cookies, wanna try one?" "Sure, they look yummy!" came my foolish response. I took one bite and tasted the fresh chili that was concealed within. "Ugh, these are spicy!" I said, naively. "Rest in Peace," my murderer hissed as she made her retreat. "You've just been assassinated!" pointed out my slighty more up-with-it friend. The realisation grabbed hold of me and shook my very soul. Betrayed by one I considered a friend. I will never think of cookies in the same way again...

[15:33 PM] A small cardboard box had some fun with their rebelious left hand
A small cardboard box reports:

The Small Cardboard Box sends his regards to their rebelious left hand, and hopes he liked the sparkly! note that was deposited in his pigeonhole.

However, The Small Cardboard Box wishes to take their rebelious left hand to task over the distressing degree of non-boxiness of his bedroom. In particular, said room was improperly sealed.

The Small Cardboard Box apologises for the sparklies! that found their way into their rebelious left hand's bed, and recommends knocking them onto the floor then hoovering when attempting to clear them up.

The Small Cardboard Box bids their rebelious left hand good day and suggests he be more paranoid about the closedness or otherwise of his windows next time he leaves the room.

their rebelious left hand reports:

Small Cardbord box's antics with the gold body glitter and my bed can only suggest a weird disposition for cross dressing. I was required to don my hazchem suit (rubber gloves and apron) to get it all off to the wash (cardbord box owes me £1.20 for the washing machine). FUrther to this, a poison letter was left in my pigeon hole containging the same gold glitter (this guy has issues). He did however kill my girl, so he can expect harsh retribution.

[15:35 PM] Bertie Dirch also seems to be playing 'where's Simeon Bird?'
Bertie Dirch reports:

Just to keep up the tradition, I saw Simeon Bird today, and he neither saw me nor looked paranoid.

[16:27 PM] Mademoiselle Noire got a present from a friend.
Mademoiselle Noire reports:

Bien, j'ai pensé il y avait une bombe de lettre dans mon trou de pigeon. Il s'est avéré être une lettre contenant quelques gants de caoutchouc, un cadeau de mon ami de médecin. Les portiers ont été amusés pour me voir très que le lance dehors avec une choses de cintre et lancement à lui. Puits. C'était inoffensif, et maintenant je suis équipé en haut un peu. Adeiu

[17:06 PM] Christopher Field seems to be doing the usual thing.
Christopher Field reports:

Dear dear Umpire,

I find myself unable to resist writing to you once again. I'd like to inform you that today I have done a very small amount towards maybe possibly further action in perhaps the next day, or two. At this stage I wouldn't want to commit to anything. I hope that you had a lovely day, as you so deserve!

Chris Field

[17:20 PM] Abhorsen couldn't find Sally McGrath, not that it mattered.
Abhorsen reports:

"The Clayr saw that a deadly necromancer would be a threat to the safety of the Old Kingdom. With my Charter-spelled sword by my side, I ventured forth to the necromancer's lair. Sadly, the necromancer was absent so the kingdom is still in peril. Feeling the presence of dead all around, I retreated to the safety of Abhorsen's house to prepare anew."

[17:31 PM] Edward Mitchell got bored.
Edward Mitchell reports:

Dear Umpire,

I am concerned that it is day 3 and, as yet, there has been no attempt to kill me.

Yours sincerely,

Edward Mitchell.

[18:11 PM] WYSIWYG sent Philip Bridge some flour.
WYSIWYG reports:

Let's see if my targets are paying attention, shall we? One Badly Poisoned Letter each should suffice, for now.

Philip Bridge reports:

Received poison letter today. Lots of flour used - the envelope felt grainy to the touch. So I opened it with gloves on and poured it all down the sink. There was also a note but it didn't have anyones name on it.

[20:08 PM] Melpomene bombed Milk-Free and spiked his hot chocolate.
Melpomene reports:

if anyone asks the bomb by his door and the spiked hot chocolate were mine. Will he never die?

Milk-Free reports:

Today I arrived back at my room to find a bomb on my door. The bomb was a milk carton full of air, so precisely where the explosive was is debatable. Nevertheless it was remote detonated, but did not go off as it had already been diffused by a passer by.

However, some git also put large amounts of Oregano in my Fudge Highlights hot chocolate. The bastard. I couldn't seive it all out, so it had to be thrown away. Which is a pity, as I'd have loved a cup after a hard day around town.

[20:14 PM] William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils and Ash covered central Cambridge.
Ash reports:

Myself and my companion William Wordsworth decided to wander into town and visit a few friends. However, despite visiting no less than 3 different colleges, we didn't discover a single target home. Maybe next time!

[22:15 PM] The Junior Anti-Sex League (Lauren Grest) mistakenly killed Rachel White (Friendly Fluffy Rabbit!!), then rampaged on, killing Haibo E (pineapple peddler), and Ying Chow (The Roasted Rooster)
Lemming Hunter reports:

post hunc fuit Samgar filius Anath qui percussit de Philisthim sescentos viros vomere et ipse quoque defendit Israhel. Satelles eram.

Friendly Fluffy Rabbit!! reports:

I was innocently standing in my friends room, making pancakes in a toaster just now (as ya do!!), when there was a knock on the door! My friend, having not learnt paranoia yet, happily said 'come in' at which point someone came in pointed a gun at my head, said 'bang' followed by 'are you Sally Hubbard?' Which I'm not! And it wasnt even her room!! I feel quite upset at being mistakenly murdered while making pancakes, whilst i wasnt even in the intended victims room! However, unfortuantely, I have a feeling I may now be dead...

The Roasted Rooster reports:

Returning late from taekwondo training, I was betrayed by one of my MSN buddies (all of whom I know are not assassins) who told Lauren(sp?) of my no longer secret identity. Already in pieces from being kicked all through training, the head shot is an apt ending for the night, and hence draws my brief assassins career to a close... Perhaps I should consider a new career in the police force, and as for my traitorous "buddy"---let's just say I can't possibly do another spinning kick to anyone's head tonight.

For shooting an illegal target (if entirely by mistake) Lauren was added to the wanted list, however, as she proceeded to kill a legal target and a wanted criminal, she has been redeemed, at least until she slaughters another random person.

pineapple peddler reports:

I'm sorry to say that I was brutally murdered yesterday by one Lauren from Newnham... while my friend was trying to make pancakes in my toaster... I actually asked her to come in because I was expecting someone else [possibly with more pancakes or some nice maple syrup...] and got shot in the chest... maybe I'm not that good at the whole paranoia thing... maybe I should start conspiracy therorising again...

The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[22:35 PM] Lemming Hunter, noting that "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!", brought along his friends The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. and The Junior Anti-Sex League along with an AfterEight in A small cardboard box to overwhelm the absent Ninurta.
Lemming Hunter reports:

Cum ego comitesque Wolfsonum Aulam transambulabunt, ingredi constituimus. Eheu! Gmaffus synthesibus candidati insidari erunt! Eos fugimus. Dum spiro spero.

A small cardboard box reports:

As I was passing (area removed) one evening with a couple of acquaintances, a thought struck me with the force that ideas have when you've been eating curry all evening. Why don't we go lurk (area removed)? Sheer genius, given that one of our number had a target there. After wandering in, and heading towards Ninurta's room, we were dismayed to see a number of suspicious buggers congregating in their pyjamas and dressing gowns (and very nice they were too). The others beat a hasty retreat, with myself following. Amusingly, I managed to lure our handful of hunters to within a scant few feet of where my acquaintances were lurking - if my friends had been able to confirm that the stalkers were in fact bearing, there would be far fewer (college removed) amongst us today.

Tom Booth reports:

Upon passing (college removed), we realised that one of our number had a target therein, and ventured inside. As the only person who had met Ninurta previously, I was in the lead. Spotting a significant number of people in the kitchen ahead, I motioned for silence, but unfortunately my associate saw this instead as a signal to take out his CPS, noisily. As if this wasn't bad enough, a resident chose this moment to walk past, and saw everything. I suggested it might be a good time to take up hiding places and went up the stairs, but my cowardly assistants legged it instead. This left me upstairs with enemies potentially between me and my backup. After five minutes I took my chances; we ran into the darkened lounge area, pursued by people in various states of undress. Unbelievably, they then failed to spot us hiding there, and went back to bed.

The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[22:35 PM] Richard Killip (Billy Bantam) didn't dig Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective
Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective reports:

Today has been most eventful for me and my Yorkshire Rap Collective.

After a long and frustrating stake out with the crew at various different locations in cambridge, we called in at Queens in the search for a certain Mr R. Killip. The room was found, and without delay I rapped sharply at the door...

"oh you bastard."

Richard's lifeless body fell silently and metaphorically to the floor. Ninja Gardner: 1, Gulliable Queen: 0.

The brisk walk back through the Queens grounds was most uplifting, and many a cry of "Mad props to the Gardners!" arose from my fellow yorkshiremen.

Until next time...

A. Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective

[22:55 PM] The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. went on a subquest to find John-Joseph Samuel Wilks, who was out.
The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[23:00 PM] Ninurta was too late to spot the secretive six.
Ninurta reports:

I was dragged from writing a fascinating essay by a cry of "Assassins! Assassins everywhere!" I ran as far as the Plodge in time to see three black-clad figures disappearing through the front door. They had bravely run away.

[23:05 PM] The sensational six moved on to also not find Melpomene, but met some other friends instead.
Lemming Hunter reports:

et in conspectu sedis tamquam mare vitreum simile cristallo et in medio sedis et in circuitu sedis quattuor animalia plena oculis ante et retro et animal primum simile leoni et secundum animal simile vitulo et tertium animal habens faciem quasi hominis et quartum animal simile aquilae volanti et quattuor animalia singula eorum habebant alas senas et in circuitu et intus plena sunt oculis et requiem non habent die et nocte

In Robinsonum venite!
Nobis leoni sunt! O, et vitulae! O, quoque facies hominum aquilae volantae sunt!
Leoni vitulaeque faciesque hominum aquilae volantaeque solum in Robinson sunt!

The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[23:05 PM] The seductive six and friends moved on to annoy the residents.
Lemming Hunter reports:

Melespuella, Melespuella, Melespuella, Melespuella Fungus! Fungus!
Melespuella, Melespuella, Melespuella, Melespuella Eheu! Woolgar est! Woolgar est!

Ross Edmondson reports:

Badger badger badger badger
Badger badger badger badger
Badger badger badger badger
Woolgar! Woolgar!

Jonathan Woolgar reports:

Despite my non-player status this term I have reason to believe that my slumbers were disturbed by a horde of assassins at 2350 last night. I am fairly irritated by the event and am curious to know who it was. Abner

[23:13 PM] AfterEight bepoisoninged Clio's sock!
AfterEight reports:

After hunting down my target and finding his room I noticed a rather distinctive object pinned to a noticeboard - a sock. My beautiful assistant urged me to take it and give it to Maz on the London Sock Exchange, but I noticed a name tag hanging out from the top. Recognising my target's name, I immediately came up with a more nefarious plan.

Taking some contact poison that I happened to have handy, I smeared the inside of the sock and left it back where we had found it - label prominently placed.

Hopefully this will not have been in vain, and if any of his friends look inside it they're going to really get the wrong idea...

Clio reports:

A very enterprising assassin found one of socks somehow and left it pinned to a notice board on my staircase with poison on it. Luckily, I did not touch it.

[23:16 PM] Rowan Fields Drunkenly slaughtered an incompetent chump (Jack Eaton)
incompetent chump reports:

Dear Mr. Umpire

I got shot this evening, i'm slightly ashamed of the whole thing really. On discovering that one of my would be killers was a member of my college and in the bar i, being kinda bored coz noone had tried to kill me yet, made my way there with all haste, although i didn't know what this likely lass looked like i thought that taking some neighbours who thought they might know who she was along as acomplices would be sufficient. However she, although drunk and having a crap little one shot dart gun, got the drop on me and shot me in the chest at point blank range, i had a little chat with her and her zombie assassin friend but forgot to ask her name.

PS. am slightly miffed at my friend for not avenging me, although she was waving her gun about a bit over my corpse, he didn't stab her for fear of being made wanted (the pussy).

The Umpire notes that you can legally shoot anyone bearing weapons, it encourages you to be discreet with your attacks.

Rowan Fields reports:

Hey again,

Just to let you know that I assassinated Jack Eaton tonight. I was busy chatting on my mobile upstairs near the jcr, and then i spotted him...i knew that this was my chance. I said a quick goodbye and ran downstairs whereby I almost ran into him (an act of clumsy drunken-ness) and brandishing my faithful pistol, shot him down in the corridoor just before he could retaliate with his water pistol. Thus ended Jack Eaton.


[23:35 PM] Still having accomplished nothing, the shady six and their friends moved on to Harvey court, where "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" murdered an innocent, and Del Ahmed (Raphael) fell prey to A small cardboard box
Lemming Hunter reports:

petite et dabitur vobis quaerite et invenietis pulsate et aperietur vobis omnis enim qui petit accipit et qui quaerit invenit et pulsanti aperietur aut quis est ex vobis homo quem si petierit filius suus panem numquid lapidem porriget ei aut si piscem petet numquid serpentem porriget ei si ergo vos cum sitis mali nostis bona dare deifiliis vestris quanto magis deipater vester qui in [locum inretectum] est dabit bona petentibus se

Atat! Refeci!
In ludo interebam, o minime!
Attatae! Me decaelicola Cogitas
Ne tam innocens!

For shooting an innocent, Tom Booth has been placed on the wanted list. Redemption with one wanted Criminal or two legal targets.

Raphael reports:

At precisely 2354 five assassins entered my friend's room and attempted to shoot me. Instead they eliminated this friend of mine (an innocent bystanding civilian celebrating his birthday!!!). The shot was fired by a Tom Booth. They were ejected from the room by my friend. After my friend had left, they then BROKE IN to his room, without permission, which annoyed and offended him further (when he walked back in) as he had already been assaulted, and the kill on me was made by Cardboard box. My friend is extremely angry and requests retribution on these irresponsible bounty hunters.

Raphael has fallen.................


WILL RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ash reports:

We wandered on to Harvey Court, and through great cunning made our way in to A staircase. Ahead of me, several of the six climbed the stairs to the kitchen, and enquired as to whether Raphael was around. Shots were fired, and as I climbed into view I saw a rather fat fellow, cheeks a bit rosy from whatever he had in his glass, drunkenly taunting my accomplices 'Ha ha, you shot an innocent, you're wanted now, ha ha!". He reminded me somewhat of that dumb kid in the Simpsons, Nelson is it?

Having thwarted our attack, and most eloquently put us down, they skillfully retired into the fat kids room. In a fit of brilliance, they left the door unlocked, and so A small cardboard box opened it and shot down Raphael. This let to a storm of protest from fat kid, about the illegal entering of his room and the vicious way it had been broken into, bypassing the cleverly non-locked door.

Being by now a little bored of his drunken ramblings, and quite frankly uninspiring face, we continued on our way.

A small cardboard box reports:

Late in the evening I decided to go hunting in Harvey Court with an associate, Tom Booth. Fortunately, we were let in by a friend of a friend, thus evading both porters and evil swipe-key locks.

Ascending to the room of the wanted criminal Raphael, we discovered his door to be shut and locked. However, the door next to that was open, with four people inside. I stopped and asked if any of them were Del Ahmed, hoping for a reaction. However, my associate, who had studied Raphael's photo a good deal more closely than I had, reached past me and fired at the criminal, apparently missing him but regrettably hitting the innocent standing behind where Raphael was sitting. Then the door was slammed shut.

A few seconds later the innocent who had been hit squeezed out through the door, declared himself to be the owner of the room and confirmed that he had indeed been shot. We wandered off, having decided that there was no chance of killing the wanted man.

Or was there? We heard the innocent re-enter the room and close the door behind him and a thought struck us: what if he hadn't locked the door? I crept up to the dread portal and promptly opened the door (no resistance), took two strides in (to be sure I didn't repeat Tom's mistake of hitting an innocent) and gunned Raphael down where he sat.

At that point the room owner, who had been standing on the balcony, returned and ordered us out. Given that he seemed to be working himself up quite nicely, Tom and I promptly departed. I'm a little surprised by the reaction as, as I understand it, a certain amount of freedom to attack is implicit in the harbouring of an assassin.

"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

A loyal son of the Revolution admitted us to the fortress, and we trooped up the stairs to attack the evil criminal's room. The trooper in front began his enquiries, but I had already spotted the capitalist weasel cowering behind one of those strange American devices known as kompyutyers, or similar. However, I was foiled! The "innocents" (who are presently on their way to a gulag in Siberia) surrounding him spoiled my aim, and one of them was shot before my shoddy, mass-manufactured gun misfired. We retreated before their weight of numbers and consolidated in the corridor. At this point the sharp-witted commissar noted that the door was still unlocked, and Comrade A small cardboard box leapt inside once more to slay the perfidious westernised fool.

The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[23:35 PM] "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" is certainly enough of a threat to scare The Horrible Awful Microsoft Office Paperclip Assistant, oh, and the rest of the not-so-secret six were there.
The Horrible Awful Microsoft Office Paperclip Assistant reports:

Walking down West road I met a group of people. I recognised some of them as assassins, so I took the precaution of looking over my shoulder when I had passed them. I saw The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. point me out to one of the people I didn't know, and then they came running after me. But I ran faster, and have survived to run another day.

"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

The commissar waved to The Horrible Awful Microsoft Office Paperclip Assistant from across the street, who seemed unperturbed. Affronted at the lack of terror we struck in the heart of the bourgeois dog, we grabbed our heaviest weapon and gave pursuit. Unfortunately the weight of the gun slowed our progress and the chase was shortly aborted. The cavalry scouted the area for a few minutes to ensure he had truly departed, and we ventured onward.

The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

Wednesday, 2 February

[09:11 AM] general dissarray Googled for a Owain Bristow (Temporary Solution)
general dissarray reports:

urban dictionary defines "googlewhack" as the following:
If you type a search term into a search engine and only get one result, that result is a googlewhack. Presumably, a true googlewhack is one found on No googlewhack lasts for long, as the Internet is always expanding and sometimes when people hear of a googlewhack, thy make a new website containing the search term and spoil it for everyone.

i propose a new deffinition; the phenomenon of finding that a target has many photos online, discovering which societies he's in, noting their training schedules and studying a map of his college, all from the comfort of your swivel chair...and the subsequent ease of dispatching said target.

the helpful chap also left his door open. churchill college looks like a 2yr old's drawing of his mother.

General Dissarray

Temporary Solution reports:

Just been stabbed by some guy called general dissarray. During the brief time in which my life passed before my eyes the following items came up: Why did I sit next to the window? Why did I leave my door unlocked? and Why are there so many pictures of me on the internet?

[10:08 AM] Mazrael showed Russ Williams (The King of Wrong) the light.
Mazrael reports:

Then the Umpire called the angel to him, whom he took to be a man, and said to him: Brother Mazrael, I pray thee hearken to my words: If I should give myself to be thy servant I should not make a worthy return for thy care.

However, I beseech thee, to take with thee bicycles and accomplices, and to go to The King of Wrong to WGB the building of the computer scientists: and to restore to him his note of targets, and receive of him the curses, and desire him to come to my website.

For thou knowest that my computer numbereth the days: and if I stay one day more, its CPU will be afflicted.

And indeed thou seest how the previous umpire hath adjured me, whose adjuring I cannot despise.

Then Mazrael took four of the Umpire's servants, and two bicycles, and went to WGB the building of the computer scientists: and finding The King of Wrong, gave him his note of targets, and received of him all the curses. And he told him concerning another target the son of another target, all that had been done: and made him come with him to the website.

The King of Wrong reports:

Am dead. I was somewhat unlucky with the timing (I was late for lectures and taking a different route to normal, having been to use the colour laser printer in college) but mostly I'm dead because I wasn't expecting Mazrael this early in the game and I was thinking about how much my feet hurt instead of why someone was cycling up behind me rather quickly... and so I die, but our freedom will be won. La Resistance lives on!

[11:00 AM] Guinea Foul Looked for The King of Wrong - who was, of course, already dead.
Guinea Foul reports:

I was lurking round a lecture one day,
In the very chilly month of February,
With a gun gripped in each hand,
Lack of target foiled my plan,
And merrily skipped I upon my way!

[11:41 AM] ("In Soviet Russia, target kills you!"), but Tom Booth forgot about Martin Mariusz Lester
Martin Mariusz Lester reports:

I was sitting in the lecture theatre after my lecture, when I saw someone to whom I shall refer as "Colonel Mustard" lurking by the entrance. I waited a few minutes, the decided to leave by the back exit, so that I might avoid getting caught in a any crossfire.

As I walked the exit, someone else, to whom I shall refer as "Brave Sir Robin", approached me from behind and suggested that we leave together and agree not to kill each other between the two lectures. I agreed to this, as I either wasn't targetting him or didn't feel like backstabbing him.

I suspected that Colonel Mustard was in fact targetting Brave Sir Robin. I suggested that we leave the theatre separately, with a half minute gap between us. Brave Sir Robin disagreed. I opened the door and held it open for Brave Sir Robin to walk through. He did not move.

I walked out through the door and was confronted by the dangerous criminal Tom Booth. I was so surprised to see a lazy historian awake and in West Cambridge during the morning that I hesitated for a couple of seconds before shooting him.

Brave Sir Robin followed my lead by mutilating his corpse.

[12:36 PM] My little pony was rather rude to Paula Wylie
Paula Wylie reports:

attempted to assassinateMy little pony. knocked on door. he peeped through peep hole (most unfair!). was met with response "fuck off, its too early to be assassinated". lazy git! walked off sadly defeated.

[13:30 PM] Xerxes, the Arch-Lich '#loot'ed Mademoiselle Noire's 'p'.
Xerxes, the Arch-Lich reports:

"What do you want to apply?"
"What do you want to apply the magic marker to?"
"what type of scroll do you want to write?"
"s - a scroll of mail"
"what do you want to dip?"
"what do you want to dip the scroll into?"
"There is a pigeonhole here. Loot it? (ynq)"
"What do you want to do?
i-Put something in the pigeonhole
o-Take something out of the pigeonhole
"What do you want to put in the pigeonhole?"
"You put the scroll in Mademoiselle Noire's pigeonhole."

Mademoiselle Noire reports:

A obtenu un prospectus empoisonné dans mon trou de pigeon. L'a donné une chiquenaude à hors avec le cintre et enlevé à une huche avec les gants. Quand ces gens apprendront ?

[14:17 PM] Tetsu no Hana looked for March Hare
Tetsu no Hana reports:

Went to kill March Hare and got inside the actual building and located his room, but some crazy person (probably March Hare himself) started to scream at me because he didnt recognise me or something and I was forced out of the building.

[15:25 PM] The Gentleman Assassin Killed several people who weren't Tetsu no Hana
The Gentleman Assassin reports:

Terribly sorry old chap,
At about 14:50 I decided I woudl take a wander down past one of my targets. Knocking on the door and informing him that I had bought some rather tasty crumpets. Backing off to ensure that he wouldnt get overly shocked by a crumpet in his close proximity. I waited until I heard the door open, stepped into view and shot the person standing there. Unfortunatly it wasn't my target but a rather charming, pretty girl. Well, pretty despite a rather large bullet hole in her and charming despite the barrage of abuse I recieved.

"Oh, a thousand pardons, young lady" said I. Regretably the response was unprintable and quite unsuitable for a lady of her age. My entreaties for her to have a stiff upper lip also didnt have the affect required. A swift departure later and I returned home. Still more crumpets for me, What ho!
The Gentleman Assassin

Ah ha! said I as I spied my target ahead. That good chap looks just like I remember him. Still, better safe then sorry. I shall call his name out and surely he'll be interested in some crumpets. "Tetsu no Hana" spake I, he turned and died very shortly afterwards. Living just long enough to inform me that he wasnt actually who I thought he was.
Also, would the umpire like some biscuits?

Tetsu no Hana reports:

Someone came into my corridor at about 2:40 to kill me, but failed and shot at an innocent friend of mine, killing her, probably. Name unknown, but was a male with glasses

For killing an innocent so obviously not his target, Duncan Brewer has been placed on the wanted list. (what is it with you people?) - for also killing an innocent less obviously not his target as well, redemption can be found in three legal target kills or the death of two wanted criminals. (or one of each.)

[15:44 PM] Plague didn't infect Rowan Fields
Plague reports:

This afternoon I felt like a little stress relief. I decided to call on a lady named Rowan Fields... however, upon arrival I found her room inhabbited by no less than three voices. I knocked on her door and remained out of sight for a while, but the lady in question sent out a shady looking scout who discovered me. After a few more attempts at luring her out I decided to leave, but I found said scout to be tailing me for quite some time after the event. He seemed to be spending far too much time with his hand in his pocket. I presume it was a gun, and hope he wasnt just pleased to see me.

[16:04 PM] The Unpire got annoyed at the number of wanted people in the game.
The Unpire reports:

Hearing news of deaths both legal and otherwise in New Hall, the Unpire decided to investigate personally. AutoUnpire helpfully pointed out the existence of SavvyMarmot, still alive. Deciding to take an active role for once, The Unpire resolved to speed things up by dealing with this player whilst he was in the area. Upon locating his door, he knocked, but received no reply. The door was found to be locked. The Unpire would like all players to note that he cannot condone this regrettable tactic of players locking their door whilst out. It slows play down, and serves only to delay the inevitable.

[16:19 PM] The wizard in training didn't fool Calliope
The wizard in training reports:

Went to do some recon on our mutual friend Calliope today. After completing this i left him a preasent. A positivily explosive CD that i am sure he will enjoy greatly.

Calliope reports:

A CD case that bore our hero's name, From unknown sorce into his life became, Suspicious of this gift, he look about, And saw there was no Disc: thus he did doubt!

Was this a gift? He wondered not! but thought, This is a bomb! For no CD he bought, Then, wearing gloves and tweezers held for sooth, Into the air-tight box marked "bomb-proof booth",

And Lo! Upon the opening of case, A shout of thunder! Zeus had been displaced! Replaced by this, a cracker-thing within, (No name). He threw the whole thing in the bin.

[17:07 PM] Rocking the Kaz Bar whacked Chris Korek (ck uno) so The Prophet Amos could kill him
The Prophet Amos reports:

The Prophet has made a sacrifice. Just about five minutes ago there was a knock on my door. I didn't recognise the young man framed in my peephole. I acted upon a suggestion of a friend who was abiding in my room at the time. Said friend left my room and dealt the lad a crippling blow on the head, disabling him for the following five minutes, during which I administered the knife to his breast. Amen.

Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

Badda Badda Boom Bing... played out a wicked beat on the head drum [of an assassin]. I was and always am Rocking the Kaz Bar

ck uno reports:

today after putting a doubtful porter's suspicions to rest i proceeded to my target's, The Prophet Amos, corridor to do a good bit of lurking. Obviously this is a prime spot for skulking about as i met no less than four other loiterers, whether they were with or without intent i only discovered later. In a brief moment of calm i found my target to be entertaining, and so felt it awfully rude to spoil a party. However whilst continuing with my lurker, one of the others took it upon himself to cosh me from behind and inform my target that i was present. Whilst he did take great care over selecting the apropriate tool for the job, i still feel somewhat hurt that not only was i not invited to the party but also killed into the bargain. Now due to my rather dismal failure i feel a change in career could be in order and should there be any openings in the police force...

Coshing is always a grea area, and while the Umpire is lenient if you cosh a random person you believe to be your assassin, coshing non-legal targets for other players is certainly not allowed. As such, Chris Jenkins has been placed on the wanted list. Redemption in two legal targets, or one wanted.

[17:50 PM] NearlySane chose to chase an AfterEight over an earthworm. Hmm. seems sane to me.
NearlySane reports:

I went and staked out a Part 1B CompSci group project meeting containing two of my targets (AfterEight and an earthworm). Was involved in a high speed bicycle chase of who I believe was AfterEight but just as I was about to catch up my gun fell from my grasp. By the time I had recovered it AfterEight had melted into the night.

[18:07 PM] Melpomene and Milk-Free Battled inconclusively

Events af this battle are a little muddled, but the Umpire believes both players are, somehow, still alive. The Umpire requests that all assassins resolve incidents between themselves at the time if at all possible. (This has been happening rather a lot lately.)

[18:20 PM] Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed.
Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. reports:

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: both fly, and both have a beard.

[18:30 PM] WYSIWYG also didn't poison Suzy Hamilton
Suzy Hamilton reports:

There were three letters in my pigeonhole this evening. Although they didn't explode when prodded, one of them *crackled* as I picked it up. On opening with rubber gloves, it proved to be filled with flour, and a very sweet letter about how to set up a physics experiment. I'm touched.

[18:35 PM] their rebelious left hand outfoxed Custard On A Sunday only to have their bomb fail.
Custard On A Sunday reports:

I'd like to inform you of an attempt on my life this evening, at about 8pm. I was just about to settle down to begin some supervision work when my doorbell was rung. Opening the door slightly, I found no one there. Rapidly shutting it again I waited in anticipation. Within a minute or so of this, I saw three assassins leaving my block. Shame thought I, but then, another ring of my doorbell and I saw them standing by my outside door again! How rude thought I, interrupting my scholarly activities for a second foolish attempt. This time, to their credit they had been more crafty, having deposited a 1l carton of orange juice outside my door with a cap detonator attached. Sadly, (for them) on opening the door the cap *failed* to go off, and as a consequence I remain in the land of the living for a blessed while longer! Thanks for the entertainment guys, now I *really* need to do something productive!! :p

[20:50 PM] Generalissimo F N Spingu and Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective again tried to find Melpomene and sowehow managed to survive an attack from Calliope
Melpomene reports:

At about 10:50 I had a little chat with some nice sounding guy outside my door about how he had some information about something called the "Caius Mafia". Seeing as I had no idea what he was talking about since there is conclusive evidence that there are no mafias I thought I should invite him in to tell him this and clear any delusions he may have gathered. Alas, I had just had a shower and needed to dress and compose myself for the welcoming of such a distinguished guest.

When I later went out I nearly slipped on the rubber bands scattered on the floor among a pool of blood. My poor bedder I thought, where is she in all this? Just because the area around my room has become so dangerous recently why should she suffer. Take heed all ye who think your blood doesn't show on the various beautiful shades of red to be found here. Even if you do not care about your own lives please care about my poor bedder and the reputation around my staircase. When there are two fellows across from me it does mean some respect is expected. More importantly for me where was this information on the "Caius mafia"? I suspect one of their operatives was on to him to quiet him up. Will mafias ever learn, it isn't big and it isn't clever and there is no good way of harbouring known criminals. Take heed all one assassin of Tit hall too. O and while I'm at it take heed strange ginger guy from Clare who didn't realised he had about 5 opportunities to kill me.

What a shock it was later to discover a strangely familiar chap in the bar showing me a nerf round with a high amount of adrenaline in him. Perhaps it had been all a big coincidence after all. Rumours that this guy had tried to kill me earlier still don't quite add up. The bombs planted did appear to look a bit off putting to any amateur band of 'law enforcers'. Maybe this was a blessing in surprise.

Calliope reports:

I fear that there shall be a storm tonight, To mark the passing of this strangest sight, Our hero, walking back to Hassan's door, To check the status of the his bomb afore.

But Lo! Our hero didst not make thus far, For of his path two shady men didst bar, He went past both, and onto the kitchen top, Whence turnabout about to draw and not to stop,

For in the hands of former shady man, A NERF device (like those of Taliban), Was in his hand and in plain view of all, Our hero sprang forth leaping into hall,

And fired a shot, of purest aim and true, That found it's path, into the man, and through, To leave a corpse, his soul had gone erstwhile, The other man did flee from scenes so vile.

Our hero hid in kitchen for a breath, Whilst lying all around, the stink of death, When all was clear, he mounted up and left, Across a world, of one more man bereft.

Generalissimo F N Spingu reports:

Once again, I arrived at Robinson in search of the super paranoid Melpomene, this time in the company of Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective. Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective tried to lure Melpomene out with talk of some Caius mafia rubbish (everyone knows that there are no mafias in Cambridge), but he decided despite his interest he wasn't going to emerge. Instead, another gentleman dressed in a long black leather jacket appeared and headed up the stairs, past Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective sat harmlessly in a chair and myself stood with a pump-action Nerf gun at the top of the stairs. Disappearing into the kitchen, he reappeared with a triumphant "ha HA!" and fired an RBG three or four times in my direction. Non of the shots came anywhere near me however, and I returned fire with a foam dart, narrowly missing him as he ducked back into the kitchen. Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective and myself then ran like buggery out of Robinson.

[21:05 PM] The Gentleman Assassin ambushed James Wardley (Giles Caulderwood) and Michael Wallace (Raccoon). Durandal, high lord of the fryingpan got away.
The Gentleman Assassin reports:

Whats this you say? A SWAT Raid on the home of The Gentleman Assassin? An Englishman's home is his Castle! I shall defend it to my last! Pardon? They've moved the SWAT raid to Robinson? Well, I shall defend that Castle to my last!

Ah ha! There's one! He shall feel my wrath. Oh dear, he doesnt seem to understand why some insane chap in a long purple coat has just shouted Bang at him. Blast these so called 'innocents'. Always getting in the way of my bullets.

But wait. The Police are ascending the hill towards me. They must have seen me. I shall hide behind this wall. A few shots later and there are two bodies laying before me. (Not counting the 'innocent')

The CoP and myself exhange a few pleasentaries about whether we are alive or dead. As there is no way to tell whether my shot killed him before his did, we parted on excellent terms, him declining my kind offer to help kill the other wanted criminal.

So I return to my castle with only a little blood on my hands. Remember: "Blood can be washed away, as can Innocents" Is the umpire sure he wouldn't like any Biscuits?

Duncan Brewer, is of course now irredeemably wanted, as the Umpire hasn't seen any biscuits.

Raccoon reports:

An evening trip to Wobinson to try and deal with a nasty cwiminal weported to be living there...Unfowtunately we were intwecepted by the even more nasssty DunkyB, who decided to dispose of me and one of my poorwrrwwrw associates in a most unfashwonable fashwon.

Durandal, high lord of the fryingpan reports:

What with the surprising number of wanted criminals in Cambridge, it seemed high time for the police to do something about the problem. I assembled a team of two constables, Raccoon and Giles Caulderwood, and we headed off to Robinson.

Mistake No. 1 - Don't make it possible for criminals to know where the police will be. Sadly my grasp of IRC is not huge, and I didn't realise that it was possible to see the channel topic without being in the channel, even if it was a passworded channel. Since the police channel's topic was "Raid on Robinson back on. Meet at Robinson plodge, 9pm", setting an ambush was not hard.

On arriving at the entrance to Robinson, we spotted a somewhat suspicious, tall, camouflage-jacket-wearing individual who suddenly decided to stop leaning on a railing and head round a corner. Recognising Duncan, I bid the constables slow somewhat, and we laid our hands on various gun handles. Our 'plan', if you can call it that, was to creep up to the corner and see what there was to see. After all, there were three of us and one of him. In hindsight, the lights behind us casting our shadows forwards probably didn't help. Duncan leapt around the corner and started firing. Giles Caulderwood found his RBG unwilling to leave his jacket pocket, whilst Raccoon and I loosed bands at Duncan. Giles and Raccoon fell, and there an ensued a dispute as to whether Duncan's second band had killed me or whether I'd subsequently bang-killed him. We decided, in the end, to call a temporary NKA and head our separate ways.

Mistake No. 2 - Don't walk into an ambush, leading two fresh, promising young constables to their deaths, you raving muppet.

Deciding that it would be a major disappointment to do nothing but get ambushed, we found F staircase and I left the two dead constables at the bottom of the stairs whilst I headed up. Somewhat leery of a man on the first landing who disappeared into his room as I ascended and re-emerged behind me, I could do nothing but throw what I hoped wasn't a psychotic grin and say 'Hi' to him when he proceeded to do nothing but stare a little at this stranger who had spun around, hand inside his jacket pocket, as soon as he opened the door. Another two flights found me outside F16. Unfortunately, the same door also appeared to be the entrance to F15, making even the backup plan of a bomb out of the question. Aware that the intended odds of 3-1 had dropped off considerably, I decided to leave and come back another time.

Ah, well, there goes my Christmas bonus.

[21:37 PM] Christopher Field is at least out of the house.
Christopher Field reports:

Dear Umpire,

Today I saw Matthew Johnson. However on reflection, it turned out not to be him. If you are feeling stressed with reports and the like, you can always drop by for tea.

Chris Field.

[22:37 PM] Calliope Might have bombed Melpomene but it all could be a cunning ruse.
Calliope reports:

Amidst the war of worlds we hear a cry, That A Hassain did cause a man to die, By means that were displeasing to the gods, And call'd for him to taste of whips and rods!

They spoke in words to their own man on Earth, And drove him forth with worlds forlorn of mirth, Enragéd thus he sped forth from his cell, Set in his arms, the weapons spat from Hell.

'Twixt night and day he rode his faithful steed, With mortal faith, but edged with godly speed, And reaching there the place allotted then, With ear upon the door he listened in...

Great joy was felt for all was not in vain! (For though he'd fought great beasts in lashing rain) There in this room the wanted's breath discerned, And blazed he forth with anger in return,

But Lo! He checked and reeléd in discust, The door was locked, and from his mouth he cussed! The Gods forsook his kill and stayed his hand, Instead he turned to 'B', the second plan,

A mighty bomb boombastic in it's size, Enough to bringeth tears to devils' eyes! And hoping then the gods would hold his side, Our hero, back into the night didst stride.

[23:00 PM] Milk-Free and Deebo Surprised Nick Plummer (Generalissimo F N Spingu) and Peter Myerson (Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective)
Milk-Free reports:

Me and Deebo were eating minstrels in my room when we spotted two characters dressed predominantly in black looking at us oddly and reading door numbers down our corridoor. We quickly loaded bands and prepared for the onslaught. We openned the door and saw them not two metres away, outside Deebos door. They saw our guns and put up their hands, claiming that we couldn't shoot them as they weren't bearing weapons. We asked who they were after, and they claimed to be targetting a room number which we knew did not house an assassin. Clearly they were in fact after Deebo, as they were outside his door and would have attacked me when I opened my door if they were after my room. In order to buy time we shut the door again, upon which they were heard to shout:

"Awww, they don't want to play. How about we give them a ten second head start?"

Considering this to be taking the piss in the extreme, we opened the door firing and took them both down with repeated shots to the torso and limbs. Who killed who is uncertain, but we stand by our decision since anyone who waits outside Deebo's room, claiming to be an assassin, deserves whatever comes to them.

Generalissimo F N Spingu reports:

Our final visit of the day was to Wolfson Court to make an attempt on Milk-Free. Walking through the college, we eventually cam across our target's room at the start of a nice long corridor, which we went to the end of to kit up. However, while getting our weaponry unconcealed, someone walked out of our target's room, and spotted me loitering. We both hid, hearing the sound of many doors banging, and decided that the best move would be to get on out of there. So we reconcealed our weapons again, so it was obvious we meant no harm, and began to walk down the corridor.

We made it as far as the target's door. This opened to reveal two men, with badly hidden weapons, which we then asked to look at. Didn't stab them or anything, see, we was being good little boys and leaving peacefully. When Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective was asked who he was looking for, he gave a different room number, and saying goodnight, the door closed. And then reopened, and even more guns appeared, all spitting elastic bands first in Pete's direction, then mine. No-one was sure who hit who, what I am certain of is that neither of us was bearing arms, neither of them were my targets, and they were damned ungentlemanly.

The Umpire notes that Milk-Free is lucky that one of the assassins was, in fact,attempting to kill him, or he'd be wanted for shooting at assassins attacking another room.

Thursday, 3 February

[08:10 AM] Mushroom Surprised Thalia
Mushroom reports:

Having planned to get up early to hunt assassin, i wasn't entirely surprised to wake up hearing some rattling at my door. 2 assassins trying to set a bomb for me debated whether I could see them through my door while I watched them. Knowing that the earlier I attacked the more chance of survival I had, I quickly pulled some clothes on and opened the door, which detonated the trigger (which I swear one of them was holding on to...) and shot madly. Mad shooting from all parties followed (after a brief discussion where we wondered if we were all dead from the bomb anyway), after which it was unclear who had actually died... The agreement was that my assassin had died.

Thalia reports:

The most annoying thing while cycling is when a bike you're following along the same path passes a pedestrian, the pedestrian drifts over so you have to stop, as if the cyclist has created a vacuum behind him and sucked the pedestrian into it. So I went to mushrooms room to set a bomb and got killed trying, which is equally annoying.

[11:00 AM] The Gentleman Assassin eluded Rosemary Warner by the cunning strategy of not being in the same place as he was last week.
Rosemary Warner reports:

Dear Mr Umpire,

This morning I did lurk for the Dastardly and Evil Criminal Mr Duncan "dunkyb" Brewer between the hours of 10.50 and 11.05, in the place that I saw him at 11.00 last Thursday morning. But I was foiled by the simple reason that he wasn't there. Curses.

Love and fluffles,


[11:31 AM] The dastardly and now extremely wanted The Gentleman Assassin killed the (requested to remove the words complete muppet) Chris Knowles (Durandal, high lord of the fryingpan)
The Gentleman Assassin reports:

He was a man of peace living on a quiet farm near Jesus.
Til one day All Hell Broke Loose.

"TGA, We need you"
"I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing. I'm gonna raise a mafia!"
"Thats just it TGA, They've got your mafia!"

Dunkyb is TGA in Eliminator.
From the heart of Jesus to the Jungles of Cambridge.
Follow one man's quest for Peace.

"King O Wrong? Is that you?"
"TGA! I know you come. Just like old days, we kill everybody"

"TGA, they've got your wife!"
"But I'm not married."
"You are now, to Jesus!"

He went in to save his college but found his mafia and lost a friend.

"King O!"
"TGA, dont leave me, you taught me shooting, TGA and how to laugh."
"NOOOOoooo. He would have been a fine Jesuan. I'll cry when I'm done killing."

Get yourself a bodybag. Strap yourself in.
Start making friends, The Jesusan Way!

Eliminator: Eradicator Part Two.

Rated PG: may include indiscriminate carnage

[11:35 AM] Conner killed an innocent!
Conner reports:

Through internet research I was able to find out exactly where one of my evil targets would be today. Tama Chan was due to have a lab mark-up ending at 11:35. So earlier that morning I went to see where this mark-u would take place for future reference. At 11:25 I slipped out of my lecture and headed over. From the safety of my DPO project area, I was able to see my target and her lab partner whilst remaining unnoticed. As they left the area I followed them, and called the name of my target. One of them turned around. I shot her with a single bullet to the head. She was the wrong person.

"But you two are XXXXX years from XXXXXX college, right?"


"And you are lab group XXX, right?"


"But you are still not Tama Chan?"


"Ok, I guess that makes me wanted then. I'll get back to my lecture."

So I did. Quietly.

[11:38 AM] Holden Caulfield mutilated Nick Plummer (Generalissimo F N Spingu)
Holden Caulfield reports:

I was walking through the New Museums Site and I spied someone blatantly waving an RBG around. His companions appeared to be unarmed, so feeling particularly bloodthirsty, I crept up behind him and shot him at point blank range. Sadly, he was already dead and despite this unfortunate medical condition and the fact I had just mutilated him, he was quite friendly and explained he was taking his gun to be fixed. He did ask my name and pseudonym but in a moment of paranoia, I decided to keep quiet. Guess he'll know now, though ;) Oh well, I'll actually have to go and kill one of my real targets. Sucks, it's always such a disappointment when you haven't slaughtered someone before midday.

Generalissimo F N Spingu reports:

Do you people not know the meaning of "rest in peace"?! I was shot today in the back of the head while lurching (zombie like, geddit?) into NMS by a pretty young lady in red. This was because I had my (broken and unloaded) RBG out, and was asking a friend for opinions on how to repair it after the barrel snapped off in a bike crash yesterday. I would like this young assassin made wanted for not giving me a name, offer of a date, or at the very least a phone number so a of bit stalking is possible ;)

[13:30 PM] Calliope Tricked the not-even-wanted-yet criminal Ben Swire (Conner) and his accomplice David Manning (Rose)
Calliope reports:

Our hero made his way 'er rough terrain,
Unto the place where beasts and foul are slain,
But on that route, he chanced upon two men,
Of whom he knew the first, whose name was Ben.

With greetings cheer and winks of cunning guile,
He talked with them and soon found after while,
That they had come to play a little game,
And spoke of Alex H, the wanted's name.

And thinking he could use this chance for good,
He led them over sea, cross land, by wood,
Unto the door of dwelling place forspoke,
And waited for them both their arms decloak,

When seeing both their cans of silly-string,
Out of his cloak his own device did spring,
And sweetly emptied rounds into them both,
And watched in awe the pools of bloody growth.

Conner reports:

After today's earlier blunder I decided I should try and redeem myself before the website gets updated. Not having time to organise my usual backup, I brought Rose along to Robinson College in search of Melpomene. On arriving there, I waited for him to return from lectures, but he did not come. Then I went to the canteen, but he was not there. Then I ran into somebody I know, Calliope, and asked him if he knew where Melpolene lives. He showed us to the door. We waited for Melpolene to emerge and then I saw that the door was actually unlocked. As I was just about to open it, Calliope shot both Rose and myself with an RBG. Then he called out for Melpolene. It was then that I made my biggest mistake ever:

"Hang on a minute, your shot only hit my hand, so I suppose."

Stood there and thought about this for a minute


Stood and thought some more,

"I can."

Thought for a little longer

Got shot again (properly).

Should have seen this coming, as I did this to Graham Tompson in very similar circumstances last year whilst playing as an "innocent". Oh well, you live and learn (although some for longer than others)

Then I went for some essential police training (bought a coffee).

Murphy reports:

My brother is dead. melponeme shall perish. and graham thompson too. VERITAS. i speak the truth. melponeme i will execute as he repents. i shall send him to whichever god he does wish. Calliope i shall dispose of in a ghastly manner. (well fuckit he's used to that). Melponeme and Calliope you have crossed over into true corruption, into our domain. NOW YOU WILL DIE. So swears murphy. and i'm strangely comfortable with it.

now, where's that ouisgebeath?

shite, the cat's had it.

VERITAS i speak the truth.

I would also like to point out that pointless death threats are, well, pointless. a somewhat tautological notion, however it means something to someone.

"Oh lord, raise me up to thy right hand and count me amongst thy saints"

[14:30 PM] Duracell Bunny didn't get Rocking the Kaz Bar
Duracell Bunny reports:

The Duracell Bunny goes on a mail campaign. First, a posion letter went to Christopher "Kit" Jenkins then, with extra energy when I need it most, I went on to the CMS to deliver another one to Neil Morrison.

[14:48 PM] Mademoiselle Noire didn't poison Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson reports:

Today I received a letter. I very rarely get letters, particulary not ones with a suspicious bulge and just my name (handwritten) on the front so I'm sure you can imagine just how excited I was about this particular one. After donning gloves and peering into the envelope, I was shocked to see pieces of confetti had fallen out of the letter into the envelope. It now resides in my bin.

[15:02 PM] Kiku is obviously being careful, and randomly visited his target.
Kiku reports:

Upon investigation of my pigeonhole this morning, I found to my delight an unusually large brown envelope with an unknown handwriting on the front. I duly wrapped it in a copy of TCS and returned to my room to investigate further. Begloved, I carefully lay the envelope on the newspaper and slit it open just enough to percieve the contents. Some further cutting, and it became apparent that I had just disarmed a highly dangerous answer sheet from my supervisor. Am missing being in mortal danger.

At 4pm, I ventured forth to collect both information and supplies. The supplies were adequately procured, as were the supplies, and my wandering feet took me unexpectedly to my target's abode, where a locked door prevented further approach. Also, saw someone who looked remarkably like Simeon Bird, but who on further inspection proved to have a much better beard.

[15:03 PM] Melpomene also felt lonely.
Melpomene reports:

Can people please stop trying to kill me during the evening and spread yourselves around the day a bit better. I'm usually in at lunchtime so it may be more convenient then. If you're eager you could try me before I leave in the morning. It is a bit boring waiting with no one to talk to during the day.

Just in case you think coming all this way just to see me isn't worth it why not combine it with a trip to Robinson films? Having watched it myself I can't recommend 'Mean girls' enough. 9:30 in the theatre, ask the porter for directions. If you come during daylight hours you could even wander through our garden (no 'no walking on the grass' signs) and you could check if I'm in or not if you do a bit of detective work. There's the duck pond the sundial which works 6 months of the year, the crazy tree and much much more. And did I mention the six gorgeous shades of red brick we have here not forgetting the stalactites and stalagmites forming from where acid rain is slowly destroying the mortar holding this place together? Need I say any more?

Hoping to see you all very soon

[15:12 PM] Christopher Field is probably out of the house. Or very drunk. Actually, probably both.
Christopher Field reports:

Dearest Umpire,

I just saw Santa. He was riding a bicycle down King's Parade. He looked a bit like this. Although perhaps not as Irish. I hope he was bringing you lots of presents!

Yours with care,
Chris Field

[15:23 PM] Adam Baird Fraser didn't die to WYSIWYG's letter either.
Adam Baird Fraser reports:

I finally got round to checking my pigeon hole today, and found a BPL. Not quite as impressive as those I'm accustomed to receiving, I'm afraid - back to competence class for you.

[15:31 PM] The Chatty Hunter didn't see Gordon Ball
The Chatty Hunter reports:

Being in a chatty mood, I wanted to get in touch with my bestest friend Gordon. So being the eager early bird that I am, I wandered the short distance up to his college stopping on the way to get a bite to eat. Casually sitting there watching the people passing by I started to wonder if he acutally attended lectures at all. By 9:45 I was getting rather cold, so I decieded to chat to my friend another time.

My mistakes:

1) He doesnt go to lectures (normal student behaviour)

2) His lectures are at a later time (need to recheck)

or most probably 3) He walked straight past me and the blury photo I have didnt let me recognise him. (But luckily for me he didnt recognise his bestest friend either)

[15:35 PM] The Gentleman Assassin bourbonbombed Sweet Gorilla Of Manila, but didn't deal him creamy death.
The Gentleman Assassin reports:

Rather tasty biscuits these what! Still, best not eat them all, that would just be a touch greedy. Ah, theres an idea, I'll give them to that rather nice simian fellow they've promoted to acting CoP. Cant find him so I'll just leave them in this there bird hole thing. I can never remember those newfangled names they give those things these days. Oh, to be young again. Still, in any case. Hope he likes them.

The Gentleman Assassin

[15:40 PM] The Gentleman Assassin, extremely dashing as he is, and not in any way dastardly at all paid the Umpire a quick visit.

The Umpire apologises for the above error at 11:31 AM, and asserts that Mr. Brewer is in no way dastardly at all. The healdine should read as follows.

"The dashing but sadly misunderstood Gentleman Assassin accidentally killed the complete muppet Chris Knowles (Durandal, high lord of the fryingpan)."

The Umpire apologises for any confusion this may have caused.

[16:46 PM] Ben Jones (William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils AKA Plague) was exorcised by The wizard in training
William Wordsworth Pushing up the Daffodils reports:

I went to take out one of my targets on whom I had had several unsuccessful attempts. I had been to the room before several times so I proceeded to the door with haste. We made no progress with knocking the door, so my accomplice and I left the building to reassess the situation. Shortly after we left a suspiciousely paranoid looking chap came out of the entrance and walked across the road to another court. We camped out and noticed that 10 minutes later he left and headed down the road, repeatedly looking over his shoulder. Thinking this odd we tailed him all the way through town, but lost him shortly after he left the supermarket. We went back to the college to wait near the room, but again no sign. No reply on knocking again, so we left and began to cycle back home. Alas, whilst waiting at the traffic lights I found a knife being plunged into my back! And it turned out my target wasnt even the guy we spent over an hour following!

Here endeth the report, and the life of The Rotting Corpse Of William Wordsworth Pushing Up the Daffodils.

The wizard in training reports:

My fabled rival william wordsworth came knocking at my door but was unable to counter the spells and wards that i had placed upon it. I placed a tracking spell upon the unfortunate muggle and as he atempted to flee i sped after him on by broomstick and used my well practed abra kadabra charm to to slay him.

The increseingly trained
Wizzard in Training

[17:00 PM] general dissarray rekilled Ben Swire (Conner)
general dissarray reports:

at around 17:00 today i left a large (8litre!!) bomb atop of my target's kitchen cupboard with a cunning mechanism to blow him and most of his corridor away when he went for food. however, as i made my retreat i spied the target and executed a clean kill, rendering the excessive explosive i disarmed it. no innocents were harmed and he'd already been killed earlier in the day anyway.

summary......a wasted afternoon building a bomb.

[23:19 PM] Custard On A Sunday and Ninurta followed Rocking the Kaz Bar around for a bit.
Custard On A Sunday reports:

I spent a lovely evening along with Ninurta waiting around Magdalene and abouts in the hope of spotting the wanted criminal, Chris Jenkins. I saw him briefly on Magd bridge, but what with all the people around was unable to shoot him. We later lurked outside the local drinking establishment for about half an hour, having seen him scurry inside, but to no avail, he must have got away with the crowds at closing time. Just to let him know... I'll be waiting....

Ninurta reports:

10:30pm: This evening I joined Custard-on-a-Sunday in spending an arduous half hour in a pub, waiting for Chris Jenkins to leave so we could... remove him. He was certainly also in there, but we must have lost him at closing time. Oops.

[23:30 PM] Flaming Manakin visited two of his targets.
Flaming Manakin reports:

I approached unknown territory today, armed to the teeth, and treading softly. Having found where my target lurked, I was about to ready my weapons when a vile and inquisitive person (doubtless a friend of the target) asking me what I was doing. I got decidedly the worst of the subsequent bluffing match and the person disapeared. On arriving at my target's room, I disscoved that he was either out, or too affraid to face me. Due to his cowardice, I had no option but to leave to hunt elsewhere.

It was at this point I was suddenly oversome with love of the umpire and his fair and impartial judgements. I decided therefore to try to eliminate a wanted target for him. Despite attending dinner at a foreign college (which was disgusting, I might add), and then waiting for him to appear outside his cave, the elusive criminal did not emerge. Apparently, he was off gorging himself at another college. At this point I realised that the omens against me this day were not favourable, so I retreated to my adobe to construct a viscious devive to blow future foes into the netherworld.

The Umpire asks again that all players please tell him who they are attacking, in their reports.

Friday, 4 February

[09:00 AM] Stephen McCann overdid it a bit, killing Paul Fox (Shirley Holmes)... well, okay... a lot.
Stephen McCann reports:

I was planning to kill Foxy on his way to lectures, I had a cunning plan, known as Stage 4. Unfortunately for foxy, he was outside his house 20 minutes earlier than expected which meant i got to carry out the plan and also chase after him for a good block and a half first. Not being entirely sure about the range of my RBG, i decided to use the next best thing, a SuperSoaker CPS 2000.

That's nice, Foxy.

"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

As I ambled pleasantly along Jesus Lane, I spotted a friend of mine across the road. I hailed him, and he responded before turning into Malcolm Street. At that point, however, a behatted individual ran out from behind a bush armed with a giant CPS and pursued Shirley Holmes up the road. Quickly they disappeared from sight, but I ran round the corner to discover that the ambusher, Stephen McCann, had already dispatched his victim with a shot to the back.

The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[09:18 AM] Terranova didn't poison Gordon Freeman

[09:24 AM] Mushroom lettered Kiku, their rebelious left hand and Christopher Field
Mushroom reports:

This little Mushroom went to (College removed.)
This little Mushroom went to (Colleg removed.)
This little Mushroon went to (College removed.)
And left them all a little treat...

Christopher Field reports:

Umpire dearest,

It has been quite an exciting couple of days since I last emailed you! Firstly, I saw Edward Allcutt walking home on Thursday Night. This wasn't that exciting though, as these days he's just a big beardy non-player. My Friday began with a sighting Stephen Chester and Patrick Snow walking to lectures. They were very suspicious of me for some strange reason. Then I caught sight of that vile arch-fiend Duncan Brewer, but he was running away. Shortly after this who do I see on a distant path but Simeon Bird once again! This time he was walking with Ed Sapeira, and I don't know where they were going. Before I even reached home that I also met Steve McCann, dashing into Kings and wishing me a good day. That afternoon I was also opportune in spotting Richard Gibson and Alex Labram. The thrill was just starting to get all too much for me when I found someone had ever so kindly left an essay on the french language in my pigeonhole. A careful disposal of this was performed, not overly challenging due to the visibly large amounts of vaseline smeared all over it. They did sign themselves off with a pretty, girly signature 'Mushroom'. I do hope that next time they send me a copy without so many mistakes in it.

Anyway, I hear you've been having a bit of a tough time, so here's a great big hug from me {{hug{}}}. Do take care!

Chris Field

Kiku reports:

On checking my pigeon-hole this evening, I found an unexpected delivery. It was placed in a most devious manner, such that without the most careful inspection, one might not notice the generous smear of contact poison on the underside. Thankfully, such careful inspection was undertaken, and I was not.

their rebelious left hand reports:

The lamest of poison letters was attempted against me. Thanks to the assasin for the free unused stamp.

[09:46 AM] The Gentleman Assassin shot "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" during a discussion phase. Tsk Tsk.
The Gentleman Assassin reports:

Goodbye Darling, I'd best be off to the office. Armed men you say. I shall raise the portcullis and have a shufti. Indeed, 3 of them and fearsomely armed.

Recalling the new interpretation on intruders I decided to grab the nearest weapon to hand. Blimey! a CPS! how lucky that was. I shall wander down and remonstrate with them. They are indeed very heavily armed. Oh dear, one is dead. The others dont seem keen to stick around. Pity, I'm sure I could have offered them some biscuits and maybe a nice cup of tea.

"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

Seeing Stephen McCann take down Paul Fox so easily, I suspected he could prove a useful ally in taking on the formidable Duncan Brewer who resided in the area. He seemed keen to do his public duty, and I took the CPS while he wielded a large XP. We called up another friend, The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety., who joined us with another CPS. After hanging around in the lane beside his house for about half an hour, a young lady emerged from the house, saw us and smiled pleasantly. I was about to ask her if Duncan Brewer was still inside, but instead she pointed in my direction, and a familiar head poked out of the window.

We decamped to the corner, which was lucky, as after a moment Duncan's head appeared over his back gate and could quite easily have taken out both bounty hunters had they still been standing there. I ran forward to attack; he produced a CPS, I tried to back off, slipped on the ground and fell over as he fired, missing. My brave, brave companions thought this was an opportune moment to bugger off. Duncan called out to ask if he'd hit me, and since my elbow was painful enough to make using the CPS difficult, I abandoned my guns, and approached the gate unarmed.

"Did I get you?" he asked.

"I don't know." I'd been more concerned with falling over at the time.

"How wet are you?" I checked. Not very. If at all. I replied as such.

"It would be fairly easy for me to rectify that," he pointed out.

"Oh, yeah..."

And so he did.

Stephen McCann reports:

Myself, The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. and Mr.Booth were in the neighbourhood of the wanted criminal Duncan Brewer and thought it would be impolite not to wait for him and say hello. His neighbour emerged, we asked her if Duncan was in, and it appeared he was.

Minutes Passed.


Minutes Passed.

I'm quite impressed with my bravery and conduct in this attempt and assure you that soon i could well be running away from a house near you.

[10:08 AM] Clio did not get competence for this, but it's funny.
Clio reports:

My plan was cunning,
My heart was willing,
A chance meet before lectures
And on with the killing.

But sadly the mind,
Was stopped by the body,
Oh the comfort of bed,
Don't really want him dead.

And so now I ponder,
My question is vexing,
If an attempt is not attempted,
does it make a competence?

In conclusion dear Umpire,
I couldn't be arsed,
I promise my next report,
Will be less of a farce.

[10:35 AM] Gordon Freeman didn't find The wizard in training
Gordon Freeman reports:




The borderworld, Oxford, in in our control, for the time being, thanks
to you. Quite a nasty piece of work you managed over there. I am impressed.

Which brings us to why I am here. Your... exploits have attracted the
attention of my... employers and they have authorised me to offer you a
job. You clearly have limitless... potential.

You've proved to be a decisive man, so I'm sure you'll have no problems
deciding what to do. If you're interested, please undo the
shrinkwrapping on the CD and place it into the computer platform of your
choice, where you will be able to read the conditions you've just
inadvertantly accepted. Otherwise... there are other borderworlds out
there. I can offer you a battle in Durham you have no chance of winning.
Somewhat anticlimatic.

Time to choose, Dr Freeman.


Welcome to City 42. Wake up. Wake up and smell the ashes.

Our... benefactors have found a task worthy of your... extensive
talents. Concealed in the city beyond the citadel there are a number of
individuals, who we would... rather not have to deal with. The leader of
a particularly deviant faction determined to undo all that we have
worked to create here has recently raised their profile. Our... friends
would be grateful if the matter was resolved as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, we have had to confiscate your weaponry. It was
government property, after all. However, we have found a t-shirt with a
superficial resemblance to your hazardous environment suit.

I'm sure you'll want to complete this assignment as soon as possible.
After all, should you fail to live up to our... expectations there are
still a number of odd jobs that need doing in Anomalous Materials. The
test chamber still hasn't been cleaned out since your last... visit there.

We can't offer you any... equipment for this task but it would seem you
are... well skilled with a crowbar. The last time we saw it was
disappearing into a inter-dimensional hyperspace gate of frequency pi,
but we're sure your paper on 'Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen Entanglement on
Supraquantum Structures by Induction Through Nonlinear Transuranic
Crystal of Extremely Long Wavelength (ELW) Pulse from Mode-Locked Source
Array' will prove useful in improvising something. In the meanwhile, a
small rubber fish will have to suffice. If it makes you feel any better
we can describe it as a polymer/colloidial pisciform personal defensive

Rather than offer you the illusion of free choice, I will take the
liberty of accepting this undertaking on your behalf. Goodbye, Dr Freeman.

[11:11 AM] Stephen McCann ran away from Christopher Field
Stephen McCann reports:

This has been quite an exciting day so far, let's go back and have a wee rest. Oh, theres Chris Field....

Minutes Passed.


Minutes Passed.

It appears as though he probably doesn't want me dead, phew!

[11:25 AM] Dego the Spanish Jester BPLled Comrade Krasnei
Dego the Spanish Jester reports:

At 11:25am this morning I left a shocking excuse for a poison letter in my target's pidgeonhole. I may be incompetent, but at least I am not yet Incompetent.

[15:00 PM] Comrade Krasnei didn't kill Tim O'Tei
Tim O'Tei reports:

i survived a bomb and poisen letter attempt yesterday, 3pm. a combined clever little device was put in my pigeon hole with kind regards from Comrade Krasnei. said device was defused, and handled for safe disposal...i WILL cleanse the roots of all evil,

[16:34 PM] The Phoenix looked for Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson
The Phoenix reports:

The Phoenix has risen from the ashes once more. But now has spawned a wiser Phoenix. His rambo tactics of last term left five corpses within the first few days, but left him open to attack himself, and led to his ultimate downfall. This time, The Phoenix has been hiding in the shadows, biding his time, waiting for his moment to strike. This afternoon he ventured into the passageways of doom, searching for a certain Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Alas, his mark was no where in sight. But The Phoenix shall return, watching, waiting...

[16:59 PM] an earthworm stood on Neil Morrison (Nokes is a breakfastless charlatan; may Holzenhauer's carrots wither)
an earthworm reports:

I stumbled upon Neil Morrison today. Unfortunately he dodged my holy hand-grenade and ninja-roped out of range of the ming vase and the homing pigeon crashed en-route but the cool precision of the RBG was too much.

"Oh dear!"

* pop *

Worm of the match: an earthworm
Most kills: an earthworm
Least dangerous worm: Neil Morrison

Nokes is a breakfastless charlatan; may Holzenhauer's carrots wither reports:

Once, upon the barnacled brow of an unkempt dwarf, there dwelt a foolish tardiloquent oaf named Nokes, whose utterly unserendipitous fate, woeful though it may be, concerning, as it does, the diminishment of breakfasting privileges, yet justified and correct, as it certainly is, was, and ever will be, considering his quidditative jobbernowlism, is now, as it must be, for the enlightenment, pseuchomachy, and general harmonious effervescence of the soul, related.

For indeed, Nokes was at one time blessed with an abundance of breakfastly fare, and flaunted his wealth – he often rode upon a giant muffin, drawn by a phalanx of boiled eggs and ever was he garbed in the likeness of a waffle: a mound of cream and strawberries crowned his hair, each strand of which was individually glazed in maple syrup. All of his most elegant jewellery was forged from various sweetbreads of the scone-quarries, and speckled with precious marmalades and jams.

This was verily a time of great prosperity for the frolicsome Nokes, and the village peasants revered him as a noble lord, but in truth he was a charlatan, an impotent harvester of spelæan bacon-mines, and bountiful sausage-orchards, a mindless plunderer of pancake-hives and crumpet-grottos. He drove the enslaved breakfasteers before him, callously showering them with evil jets of grapefruit juice, and bitter cranberry poison, should they momentarily cease their selfless futilitarian toil.

One day, an unimportant local croissant-farmer by name of A.N. Earthworme, frustrated by the incompossible and continual demands of the tyrannical Nokes, conceived of a cunning plan with which to depose the evil rogue. Knowing that, above all, greed and desire for glory gnawed Nokes’s mind like the steely jaws of a cornflake-baited mantrap, Earthworme reported that he had heard tell of an enchanted stalagmitic leprechaun, dwelling amongst the filth in the darkest hollows of the cavernous Lucky Charm labyrinth, and that any man who should capture it would be granted eternal bliss, in the form of a bottomless bowl of chocolate Weetos, and an infinite jug of milk.

On hearing this news, Nokes finished his Gogmagotical plate of hash browns, donned his finest leprechaun-hunting apron, and strode confidently into the snarling mouth of the cave. He journeyed to and fro among the catacumbal recesses; deeper and darker led his path, until after not two, not three, but one month of his search, he spied a strangely luminiferous but unidentifiable beast, nestled in a bagel-thicket cackling to itself about the joys of carrots. Thitherward crept Nokes, and pausing only to loaf labefactatiously against a mountainous heap of buttered toast, he proceeded forth into the glade, proclaiming in a deep margarine-enhanced voice “I am come to claim thee, thou sinister and preposterous advertising gimmick.” However, he was, at first, surprised, and later, surprised, to find that the scallywag he had discovered was not a leprechaun at all.

And so it was that Nokes came upon that which is most feared, the Teutono-umbelliflorous creature Holzhauer the Diphthongal (or perhaps Triphthongal), who dwelt there in clandestine squalor, cowering from the sunlight which had cursed him. His tale was known to few, and rife with woe-begoneness: he was once a common carrot-herder, but over time he became addicted to his crop, constantly fondling and caressing the digitlike fruits. Gradually he started to inherit an orange tinge, and the other carrot-herdsmen reviled him with disdain, and thence he hid, far below the cruel unforgiving world that could not respect his distinctly more than pastoral love for his flock.

Despite his sad story, Holzhauer was a cruel and heartless villain, caring only for his carrots, which were now dry and withered due to the stale dank air of the cavern, which was an atmosphere wholly inconducive to photosynthesis. He spat, growled, and defecated at Nokes, who disgustedly mopped away the sputum and fæces with his toastkerchief; Nokes did not pity the wretch in his degradation, as he too was an unrepentant cad. Instead, he began to strike Holzhauer savagely with his most sturdy git-beating wand, which was in retrospect a mistake, as this evoked a hideous and lethal reaction from the Caian outcast, who promptly forced a deadly sharpened carrot up Nokes’s left-nostril. Snorting and spluttering, the corpse fell to the rocky floor, where it lies to this day.

Nevermore shall the disgraced Nokes torment the people of Breakfasthampton, and always, his fate will stand as a warning to would-be crumpet-hoarders, to desist, lest they be struck down by a cynically wielded malicious carrot, albeit withered.

[19:27 PM] Zonked Quokka survived some poison from his or her evil twin or something.
his or her evil twin reports:

Like all evil twins, I harbor a smoldering loathing towards my less ethically challenged sibling. The smiling face, the laugh, the ability to feel true joy...why couldn't I have been the one to inherit these qualitys? So, in a fit of jealous rage ( of which I suffer from many ), I decided to do away with my long-lost womb-mate, (Zonked Quokka). Taking a large quantity of a highly toxic poison, I filled an envelope with the substance and prepared to deliver it to my nemesis. At the last minute I decided that I would append some religous literature explaining the basic doctrines of my faith - at least that way, as he died, he might find salvation. But probably not because I made up the religion while drunk as a way to fleece lesser mortals and gain power over them! Such is the way of the evil twin.

Zonked Quokka reports:

Ok, so saturday evening arrives and signs of life are seen from one of my triumvirate of aspiring killers. A small envelope secreted in my pigeonhole purporting to be 'The answer to your question' , now whilst i think trying to masquerade as dodgy spam is a novel idea, i feel less threatened when said envelope turns out to rattle. Thus wearing gloves saved me from a hideous spicy death. Better luck next time."

[21:30 PM] The Chatty Hunter killed Gordon Ball (Gordon Freeman)
The Chatty Hunter reports:

Feeling tired and bored I popped off to a friends to find something to do, unfortunatly as we had no beer to chat over a quick outing to sainsburies was required. While there I finally bumped into my old friend Gordon Ball : D. At first I didnt recognise him but my friend pointed out who he was so I popped back to chat. Unfortunately my knife slipped out of my sleeve as I approached and I proceeded to brutally stab him to death.
Oh well
I can chat to him in the afterlife then..."

Gordon Freeman reports:

POST MORTEM: Subject displayed an extraordinary level of muppetry and was
killed for it.

[21:50 PM] G.I.Bob lurked Duncan Brewer (The Gentleman Assassin)
G.I.Bob reports:

One Friday the day before Saturday that is today (ie. yesterday) G.I.Bob lurked in waiting for the not-at-all-dastardly Gentleman Assassin from 2020 to 2150. Despite being only 2cm tall he decided to take some precautons, and so disguised himself as Pai Mei (the White Lotus priest). There was much laughing and beard stroking, but unfortunately no sighting of the villain. G.I.Bob eventually gave up and went to play a game of Go with the Unpire.

[22:21 PM] Timotaeus Minimus didn't scare Marmeduke
Marmeduke reports:

i would like to report a foolish failed attempt on my life by a certain "timitaeus minimus" as the poisoned letter was signed. Fortunately, as was alluded to, i dont have a supervision on a monday and so the letter containing "work for monday" was all too easy to spot as a hoax. With gloves donned, the letter was suitably dealt with and read. Please advise not to use so much powder next time as i do not appreciate a poisoned bin.

[22:37 PM] Paula Wylie survived Paper Cuts's bomb
Paula Wylie reports:

someone knocked on my door. i had some friends round and one opened the door. a shot was heard and she retreated unharmed. next another friend left the room to check the corridoor and knocked over a bottle bomb as she opened the door - a civilian was assassinated! quelle horreur!

Paper Cuts reports:

In order to demonstrate the superiority of paper over other forms of weapon, I prepared an explosive device full of razor sharp paper shards designed to slice and dice anyone standing near when it went off. The only problem was, while the device was very good in theory there was noone to test it on. I decided to call by Paula Wylie see what it would make of her. When I arrived at her door, I heard voices inside so not wanting do disturb anyone I left the device next to the door for her to find. I then knocked on the door and ran away like a big frightened chicken, in true heroic style. Incidentally it's very strange how sound travels further at night - it was as I was on my way out at the porters lodge I heard a loud 'bang' from behind me as the thing went off (presumably - I suppose it could have been something else going 'bang').

Saturday, 5 February

[08:20 AM] ᚱᚩᚠᛚ ᚱᚢᚾᛁᚳ Missed out on Dego the Spanish Jester
ᚱᚩᚠᛚ ᚱᚢᚾᛁᚳ reports:

"1. Go.
2. Wait.
3. Nothing happens.
4. Leave.
5. ...
6. PROFIT!!!"

For people having trouble displaying this pseudonym, you need a special font, which can be found here once installed, you will also need to set your browser to display the page in UTF8 encoding. (Opera and IE users can find this under view-->encoding) Windows users will probably need to reset at some point too.

[10:37 AM] Zonked Quokka sent a BPL to Flaming Manakin
Flaming Manakin reports:

Today a most blatant attempt was made on my life via a poisoned letter. It was so obviously poisoned as it had grubby smears on the front of it from whatever vile substance nestked within. Donning my poison resistant gloves, I found a most inarticulate letter from one who called themselves 'zonked quokka'. They spelt my name incorrectly on the enevelpe, confirming my suspicions that they must possess only the most elementary intellegence. I look forwards to their future attempts to kill me, wondering how much more blatent they can get. It did, however, contain some quite pretty gold glitter, so at least this pretender has some sense of the decorative.

Zonked Quokka reports:

-.-. --.- -.-. --.-
QTH (college removed) QTR 2120

QTC 2. QSL ?

QSL. QRA Zonked Quokka
... -.-

[12:45 PM] The Seal of Oreichalkos visited The Unpire
The Seal of Oreichalkos reports:

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

[13:08 PM] Bertie Dirch didn't get Paula Wylie
Paula Wylie reports:

Today I received a seemingly innocent letter from "Bertie Dirch". luckily due to my ever increasing paranoia I opened said letter with gloves to discover that it was in fact filled with contact poison from one Dr.corkscrew! So thankfully I survived which is more than can be said for my fav black bag which is now an attractive shade of grey!

[13:28 PM] Simeon Bird saw Mike Cripps... apparently.
Simeon Bird reports:

I keep running into old friends. Today I saw Mike Cripps. He didn't have much to say to me, in fact he jumped and stared fixedly at the F in the word "Final Reductions" in a shop window. I wonder why...

[13:34 PM] An Allergic Reaction lurked The Unpire
An Allergic Reaction reports:

Incompetence was lurking, and so was I. Following the decrees of the Bavarian Illuminati, I travelled to The Unpire's house, where I proceeded to blend into the scenery. Judging by the close scrutiny some passers-by made of my particular bit of scenery, I may not have been enirely successful. The target not being evident, I returned to my lair.

[14:00 PM] Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson also couldn't find any Mushroom
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson reports:

Stood outside target's door for a bit. Got bored. Started walking home. It started to drizzle. I got mildly wet. The end.

[15:14 PM] Clio gave SavvyMarmot a card.
SavvyMarmot reports:

Clio reports:

Wandered lonely,
New college to I came,
Door very locked,
To my shame.

Tried to pull it
Tried to push it,
Even shot it,
With a rubber bullet.

So I left her,
A poisoned card,
Her death's as likely,
As I'm a bard.

[15:20 PM] SavvyMarmot also got a card from The Unpire
The Unpire reports:

At around 15:20 this afternoon, the Unpire paid another visit to New Hall. Keen to check all players are well, he gave a friendly knock on the door of The Unpire. Upon receiving no reply, the Unpire was concerned she could be ill. To this end, a letter was left attached to the door, containing a friendly note, liberally coated with a substance designed to restore her condition to stable. The Unpire hopes all players appreciate the dangers of glove, and the necessity of opening all post.

SavvyMarmot reports:

Another unimaginative atempt to avoid incompetance the day before the deadline - a very badly executed poisoned letter was blu-tacked to my door, bearing my name, misspelled and with lip salve showing throught the envelope. Unfortunately a good friend, an innocent visiting from London, touched the offneding substance and is dead in my place. Honestly, i'm not the most pro-active assassin out there but a little imagination guys...

[18:45 PM] Sentio aliquos togatos contra me some shifty looks, lurking Rowan Fields
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. reports:

Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Beware the assassin my son.
The knife that stabs, the gun that shoots.
Beware the accomplice and shun,
The frumious criminal.

I took my vorpal gun in hand.
Long time the manxome foe I sought.
So rested I in wait to lie.
And stood a while, in thought.

And, as in darkened room I stood,
Two neighbours, a man and dame,
Came whistling up to where I stood,
And asked me "What's your name?"

One two, One two and through and through
We stood and talked of this and that.
The girl had left, my cover blown,
So I came galumphing back.

And hast thou slain thine target?
Get back to work you 'orrible lad!
Oh dreadful day! Go earn your pay
The Umpire was so mad!

Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the bororoves
And the mome raths outgrabe.

[20:00 PM] The Horrible Awful Microsoft Office Paperclip Assistant popped up near Nigel Damascena
The Horrible Awful Microsoft Office Paperclip Assistant reports:

I wanted to give Nigel Damascena some unsolicited assistance, but she didn't turn up.

[21:20 PM] The Gentleman Assassin is having lots of visitors...
Gnomic reports:

Hello Mr David,

Today I saw Simeon Bird.

He had a hat.

I also lurked outside Duncan's house at half-five-ish, to KILL HIM.

Unfortuante (sic), he wasn't very there.

Chocolate is good.

Aisle Two is not where we saw the Umpire, in fact, we didn't see him at all.

Kindest Regards,


[22:39 PM] Melpomene got a visit from Rocking the Kaz Bar
Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

Hmmm. Felt wrong going after a fellow criminal, but hey! All's fair in love and robot wars. The fortress that is F staircase was ominously silent as I infiltrated it - maybe there were all trembling in fear. Made commotion at door of Hassan, and then proceeded to lurk for half an hour or so, but to no avail.

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