Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

Sunday, 13 February

[00:14 AM] Murphy went hunting
Murphy reports:

went hunting last night. knife, camoflage, and a duffel coat because my mother makes me wear them. snuck around on street of two targets, calling their name from safe vantage points when strangers passed near me. no luck. pity, as my knife throwing is getting better. came home, fell asleep. woke to find missed messages from my brother on my phone, also a message under the door from him, which at first i believed from an assassin of mine and poisoned. it informed me that i was meant to be somewhere to assist a killing three hours ago. whoops.

[00:30 AM] Jesse Bostwick (J-stream) died to Gnomic with some help from An Allergic Reaction
An Allergic Reaction reports:

Saturday night, 12:30 am. Or rather, Platinox.

The night was young. It was time to kill. Having gained entrance to the targets flat by a cunning ruse, we went up to his room. His neighbour claimed he wasn't in, but he somewhat spoiled that by opening the door. The conversation that followed went like this:

Target: "Hey guys, was it good?" (this despite the fact he didn't know me at all).
Stabitty-stab action.
"Sorry about that, but you are now dead."
"What, are you team MPhil?" (Who? Is there another group of people dedicated to sticking pens in people?)
"No. We are the assassins guild. Remember, you signed up?"
"Oh, shit..."
And another incompetent bites the dust. Heigh ho. In case anyone was wondering the title refers to a system devised to solve the problem of exactly when "Sunday morning at 5am" is. The nights have now been given new names, based on metals. They follow:


Where Leadnox lies between Sunday and Monday, Coppernox lies between Wednesday and Thursday, and Platinox happens after Saturday.

Gnomic reports:

Dear My The Umpirical Mr Birch,

I regretfully to inform you that we have witnessed a death that I killed.

It's name was the Jesse Bostwick.

Thank you kindly.


PS Note attached picture, the.

[08:50 AM] Tetsu no Hana is getting lots of visitors.
PJ reports:

Popped round the corner to Bruno Min's place at 8am this morning. Unfortunately there was a code lock on the door and an ever so slight absence of people who were awake who could open it.

[10:20 AM] The Seal of Oreichalkos knocked The Prophet Amos
The Seal of Oreichalkos reports:

Think of sin on a par with a woman battering to death her first born child. With her second born child.

[12:30 PM] Charlotte Heron (Mademoiselle Noire) and Lucy Sandbach (Comrade Krasnei) got bored.
Lucy Sandbach reports:

Dearest Umpire,

Today we were bored. Noone loves us enough to make any attempts whatsoever on us in the past week, so we decided to have a bit of fun. We became the Bringers Of Goodwill and bounced around the colleges delivering sweets and cookies to all and sundry, as well as making a special effort for our beloved Chris Field's door with pink and mauve ribbons. We hear he is greatly pleased by them!

Yours lovingly,

Luci Sandbach and Charlotte Heron

Christopher Field reports:

Oh Umpire,

Won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? I guess not. I'm afraid my research into the shady santa cabal has come to a bit of a stand still, so I have nothing to report on that front. I can however inform you that someone out there loves me dearly. Why I was just out of my room for the briefest of periods when I was apparently visited. It's slightly difficult to describe exactly what was done to my door in my absence, so I enclose a photograph for you to inspect. It certainly makes me feel special, I can tell you. The note claimed that the NMaf were on a manhunt, how sweet that they came to find me!

Chris Field

For attempting to poison Charlotte's boyfriend (and most of the rest of Cambridge) this dangerous pair have been made wanted. The phrase "never take sweets from a stranger" has never been so apt.

[14:30 PM] Cheddar Gorge joined Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. and Mazrael in cooking breakfast for Paper Cuts
Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. reports:

I hope that they don't find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in, because then should you hide from it or not?

Mazrael reports:

For thou art not delighted in our being generous: because after a breakfast thou makest a calm, and after tears and weeping thou pourest in joyfulness. Be thy name, O Philip of Kings, blessed for ever. At that time the prayers of them both were heard in the sight of the glory of the most high Umpire: And the holy angel of the Umpire, Mazrael cooked to feed Philip, whose prayers at one time were rehearsed in the sight of the breakfast.

Paper Cuts reports:

Okay - another letter. Perhaps this time they've sent me black pudding. But I don't know cos I'm done opening these things.

The Umpire notes that this time it was a lemon-flavoured sausage, and that he still doesn't want to taste anything cooked in this shady breakfast.

[14:44 PM] Smaug Lurked for Clio
Smaug reports:

Went, lurked, left.

[15:45 PM] Nelly the almost-elephant also visited Dego the Spanish Jester
Nelly the almost-elephant reports:

I wish to state that on Sunday, the 13th of February, I, nelly the almost elephant, did lurk, with most conspicuously absent subtlety, the room of one Niraj Modha, incompetent, between the hours of 15:45 and 17:45, noting only that for a fifteen minute portion of that time I was engaged in a quest for facilities at which I might relieve myself, and further that I did cause suspicion and fear to alight upon the hearts of his neighbours; therefore, considering the natural outcome of these events, that the said incompetent will now be diligently seeking to avoid me or to take from me my life, and that he will be assisted in doing so by the descriptions undoubtedly given to him, I have come to the resolution that I shall not return to the vicinity of his abode in the near future, but shall direct my energies elsewhere.

[16:23 PM] Callum Dawes Lurked for Rocking the Kaz Bar
Callum Dawes reports:

Well, CTF this week was good. However, Kit didn't come back to pick up his stuff after, so I dinnae get a chance to have a go at him. Pity. I lurked in CTF HQ for like, an hour waiting for him, too.

[17:20 PM] The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. saw Simeon Bird and made attempts on The Phoenix and The Prophet Amos
The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

reports (in order) 1 2 3

[17:48 PM] ck uno knifed Adrian Potter (Duracell Bunny)
ck uno reports:

dear Mr Umpire, caloo callay obviously lucky is this day. one pointed lesson , one less assassin.

Monday, 14 February

[04:20 AM] Sista offered the umpire $5

For offering the Umpire "five dollar" Hannah Burton has been made Cowwupt... although it's unlikely anything can actually be done about it.

[11:15 AM] Terpsichore shot Simeon Bird (An Allergic Reaction) (who may have been wearing a hat.)
An Allergic Reaction reports:

It seems I also am allergic to rubber bands. My killer, somewhat cunningly, and despite my attempts to deflect the rubber by telekinesis, shot me outside lectures when I was rather late.

Clio reports:

Dear Mr Umpire,

I didn't see Simeon Bird today. This was quite annoying, since I spent ages hanging around his house waiting for him. Please can you tell him off and let him know if some people get to see him, it's not fair on everyone else if they don't.

Also, he skipped a lecture this morning, the naughty boy.

Still, my associates got him in the end.

The Pegasus Syndicate

Terpsichore reports:

Today I killed Simeon Bird. After an unsuccessful ambush attempt with my fellow Pegasus associates, I made my way to the Mill Lane Lecture Rooms, to spy on the Mathmos. Problem: they all look like Simeon Bird (beard, glasses) but none wore a hat!

I returned to Lensfield road and spotted Simeon walking down Trumpington Street. I followed him for several minutes before he turned into Mill Lane, where I said "Simeon!". Like a muppet, he turned and I shot him full of rubber bands.

[13:30 PM] Matthew Johnson killed both Lucy Sandbach (Comrade Krasnei) and Charlotte Heron (Mademoiselle Noire) after the manhunt managed to take down Ian Abel (Zonked Quokka).
Matthew Johnson reports:

There I was, minding my own business, trying to eat lunch, when I saw one of my friends a bloodied corpse on the floor!!! Who could have done such a terrible thing?!?! I asked a passerby who was cowering under the table, and he pointed over to some evil looking girls at the other side of the hall. "It was them!!!". I looked over and glowered at them. One of them smiled and waved. Waving was the last straw, so I shot them.

Zonked Quokka reports:

basically this is me getting killed by lottie, then watching felix kill both of them (lottie and lucy). I was distracted by expea (Ben Maraney) who i nominate for least innocent innocent (this and pretending to attack me with a pen labelled knife outside lq yesterday). So, yeah, i'll sign up as police - hope you're doing well. Best of luck umpiring the rest of the game.

Mademoiselle Noire reports:

Ah well, the manhunt achived it's purpose and has freed me of my shoulder holster for another game. Back to wearing jumpers and being able to do up my coat, YEY! I DID say that we should't have lunched in a college buttery though.... especially one full of assassins.... Long live NMaf!! Madamoiselle Noire

[15:00 PM] their rebelious left hand and Paper Cuts norrowly missed each other, visiting an incompetent chump
their rebelious left hand reports:

Figured the police force were a continued risk to me and so I went and poisoned the doorhandles of Peter Myerson and Jack Eaton. I also stabbed a delightfully suspicious and highly surprised innocent lurker. Mmmmm delightful.

Paper Cuts reports:

Today I knocked on Jack Eaton's door to pass a few spare minutes. Being a not entirely prudent chap, he opened it, but being quite prudent nevertheless he was careful to hide behind the door and shoot out at me with a water gun. But not being completely unprudent myself I was back a bit from the door, so he only got the opposite wall. After about five shots my gun jammed :$ (I can only blame myself, I loaded it) so I decided running away quite fast was not entirely a bad idea. This seems to be happening a lot lately.

an incompetent chump reports:

Some evil bugger poisoned my door handle today, fortunate it's jammed open so I never use it. Found the vaseline or whatever it was at about 3pm.

About half an hour later i got a knock on my door, i opened it water gun in hand to see some bloke with a RBG standing in the corridor, shots were exchanged, he ran away, my room took a hit in the tele, i went back to watching 24 on my computer.

[20:30 PM] Callum Dawes stood on James Gooding (an earthworm)
Callum Dawes reports:

James Gooding walks along changes the dark path to his family one day. It is dark, is extremely dark, and I found an oneself suitable thorny young hole waiting. Unfortunately, the automatic light progresses, but this is does not have the question, because James has come in neighbor, and I can look it is he by the light. "You do not have the opportunity survival to make your time!" I sob, in fully jumps out and fills in front of him the rubber.

an earthworm reports:

Callum Dawes stood on an earthworm.

So there I was happily minding my own business, ninja-roping my way home, when out jumps Callum Dawes. I managed to get out of the way of his cluster bomb just in time, and tried to lure him onto a conveniently placed mine while un-pinning a holy hand grenade in defence, but I hadn't reckoned on his super-long-range RBG. Alas, the holy hand grenade fell to the ground, as did I.


"Oh dear!"

Worm ofthe match: Callum Dawes
Most kills: Callum Dawes
Least dangerous worm: an earthworm

Tuesday, 15 February

[08:43 AM] Christopher Field has more creative admirers than Simeon Bird, it seems.
Christopher Field reports:

Oh oh Umpire,

I returned from a long day of hard work to discover that my door had yet again gained some spontaeneous artwork. I refer you to this picture . It would appear that the artistes had been tragically killed just minutes before creating their latest masterpiece. This does of course massively increase the resale value of my door! I'll try to keep everything on it up as long as possible, until college complain or I need to keep it away from someone I might not want to embarass myself in front of. Should anyone else wish to add to it, the rules are simple: just make sure I'm not in!

Chris Field

[09:00 AM] Rosemary Warner didn't find Boy in Green
Rosemary Warner reports:

Dear Mr Umpire,
Today is a very cold day. It was even colder at 9am. I know this because that's when I was lurking the incompetent Andrew Sobala's lecture. I don't think he went to it. Further evidence of this can be gained by noting he logged off IRC at 4am. Bah.
Much love and fluffles,


[09:41 AM] "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" purged the police force of Ben Jones (William Wordsworth pushing up the daffodils)
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

Ben Jones seemed to be labouring under the misapprehension that ambushing the glorious police force of the Republic is to be tolerated and remain unpunished. We have disabused him of this.

William Wordsworth pushing up the daffodils reports:

Hi Umpire - just died again!

Got bored or being cowwupt and dead and police simultaneousely... ergo my door was open whilst I was working and my guns were on the other side of the room. Tom Duece smoothly opened it and shot me. Go him!

William Wordsworth is now sadly pushing up the Daffodils for good.

See yall next term!

[12:02 PM] Terpsichore missed Mushroom
Terpsichore reports:

On Tuesday I went to the room of Sophie Lawrence, the Newnham inco. After waiting outside the door for about 5 mins, an interfering woman came past, asking loudly if Sophie knew I was there. My cover blown, I knocked on the door. The door opened and a head appeared which I promptly shot at with an rbg. I missed: rubber bands move too slowly.

on the 17th, after a lecture I thought I saw the aforementioned Inco. I was just about to brutally stab her when Melpomene (from beyond the grave) informed me she was actually a Tit Hallite and therefore not Sophie. So I just ended up looking like a stalker.

[12:20 PM] Stress Master lurked Dego the Spanish Jester.
Stress Master reports:

Grrr Hisigsa Bush slhellog Crimean War! Lojaoin Historians aViuye INCO saugsoinnn uklar Niraj Modha lololilila Plan. weutyoisl Wedding etdilio. Lack heodol of sk leaving.
Attempt Foiled


[15:24 PM] Deebo gunned down Kirsty Reger (Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.)
Deebo reports:

Deebo reports.
After weeks and weeks of searching my contacts finally came up good on a spotting of the elusive Kirsty Reger, resultantly I was able to run up behind her and shoot her several times in the back as she walked to her room, as well as the arm as she turned round, well you've gotta make sure these days haven't you?

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. reports:

Sleepily headed down to the P'lodge to find out when the College Nurses were in, was shot in the back as I headed back to my room. Oh well, c'est la vie.

[17:45 PM] his or her evil twin found a present in their pidgeonhole.
his or her evil twin reports:

Lo and behold, someone left a package of salt in my pigeon hole, hoping I would be foolish enough to rummage in there around unprotected. However, as a "seasoned" veteran, I was much too paranoid and am unharmed. Yay.

[18:00 PM] Dego the Spanish Jester wasn't fooled by the slightly-less transparent schemes of "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!"
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

I called round to see the esteemed incompetent Niraj Modha in his room. He had a spyhole, which didn't make my life any easier. I knocked anyway. Suspicious rattlings from within, almost as if he were unlocking the door... but then I was foiled, and he spoke.

"Hello?" My mind raced. While tempted to continue with the Time Lord theme (and the number of times I've died makes it a rather appropriate analogy), I suspected he was too canny to fall for that. Instead, I would be one of the most feared and ferocious assassins of the age, and one who didn't live too far from here...

"It's Jon."

"Jon who?"

"Jon Woolgar." Pause.

"You don't look like Jon Woolgar." Curses!

I switched into politician mode, weaving a tangled web of lies to disguise my true identity. I was wearing a wig. No, it was glued on. I almost began to convince myself (well, not really). Finally he had had enough.

"You're not Jon Woolgar."


I left. As I wandered out of the door, something hit me in the arm, blowing it off. That was a bit unfortunate. I turned to see him waving a gun out of the window, firing a number of further shots which fell a way short of my chest. There wasn't a lot of point in me risking myself any further in trying to attack him, so after a brief discussion I told him my true identity, and left. But my journey was not entirely fruitless, for now I know his face...

Dego the Spanish Jester reports:

The identity crisis-stricken Tom Booth came to my door this afternoon. He was pretending to be "Jonathan Woollgar" and was "wearing a wig", though we soon established this was all lies.

I laughed at him and then shot at him but only mutilated his arm. Twice. Then I took some pot shots but he was too far away already. To future would-be inco-bashers, I would issue this comical warning: incompetence *is* a skill. To other more competent assassins, I would beg: 'please don't kill me'. Thanks.

[21:00 PM] Deebo and Ninurta lurked for X-Source
Ninurta reports:

Deebo and I (using a cunning disguise) lurked around the incompetent X-Source's room last night. His door remained firmly locked. Some people are no fun...

[21:00 PM] Raphael, Spingu and Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective went incobashing, with little success.
Spingu reports:

I would like to report an unsuccessful and frustrating night on the town in Cambridge. After deciding we were going to clean this town up at around 2100, our first visit was to Magdalene to see Their Rebellious Left Hand and Rocking the Kaz Bar. Here we were turned away by a grumpy porter who didn't want people he didn't know coming in unless they were invited, and had never heard of the Assassins Guild. He still didn't trust us when we showed our list of incos and wanteds and even the weapons we would be carrying. Gimp. Can one of you two invite us in next time please?

Then myself, Raphael and Alan Bitchmarsh went on to Kings as the clocks struck ten, where for once the porters didn't turn us away, in search of the feared Paper Cuts. We made it into his room (silly fool left his door unlocked) but being police we couldn't leave anything for him to find in bed, and being in a hurry and spotted on the way in we didn't stay for long. After much amusement watching Alan in particular trying the Kings Swing for the first time, we headed for Robinson in search of Dego the incompetent Spanish Jester, who just for a change, wasn't in. We sat outside the door for a fair while, but nobody turned up, so we left. Next was Selwyn for William Wordsworth pushing up the daffodils, where once more we were turned away by porters, and as we were over that side of town anyway decided to continue down are incompetent list and onto Newnham to find some Mushroom. Having made it into the main entrance, we found a map alongside the fancy formal hall booking system that said we were in the wrong place, so set off back up the road and left to Peile, which when we finally reached it, was access by keypad only, and no-one would let us through. You would have thought the Newnham girls would have been happy to see three dashing assassins on their doorstep, but obviously not. It was dark, you are forgiven ;)

So we went home just before midnight, and played Unreal Tournament until now.

Raphael reports:

At approximately nine o clock this evening, the three civil agents Raphael, Generalissimo F N Spingu and Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire rap collective decided that there were too many wanted and incompetent assassins living in Cambridge under the guise of students. Extreme action was required. Hmm, maybe death would solve the problem.

First stop was Magdalene, known to house at least four assassins, Messrs Jones and Jenkins (wanted) and Sadler and Crowley (inco). However, upon penetration of the main gates, they were rudely ejected by an insufferable porter - 'If you don't have an invitation, you can clear off!'. Well, they hardly came invited.

The next port of call was King's College, which was penetrated with absurd ease. Philip Bridge was, however, not in his room. A stakeout was proposed, but rejected after the three lawmen were spotted by a neighbour. Retreat was judged to be the best option.

After much hullabaloo at the internationally renowned 'King's Schwing' (you had to be there) bicycles were obtained to relieve the eyesore Robinson of its resident inco Mr(?) Modha. He(?) was also absent from his(?) room.

The down-on-their-luck policemen decided to venture into Newnham to eliminate the incompetent Sophie Lawrence. However, upon arriving at Newnham College Proper, the address was noticed to be on an off site building. When they had finally got there, they noticed the pin number access to the entrance.

Obviously not their day.

Dego the Spanish Jester reports:

At 10.50pm, I encountered a troika of mischevious looking assassins (I think), loitering outside my staircase, as I was returning to my room. I spied on them for a bit. They were whispering to each other. It was awfully exciting. After a couple of minutes (I guess they had been lurking much longer), they left. Fortunately for them, I didn't viddy any of their appearances, so they shall be safe for now. Toodles!

Wednesday, 16 February

[08:09 AM] March Hare again tried to find Rowan Fields and Aidan Robison
March Hare reports:

went on a raid with some friends.
Armed to the teeth we stormed Tit Hall
We went up the stairs. A very friendly person passed us on the way down.
I then looked at the description I had of Rowan Fields
Yet again I have failed.
Getting to know his door though.
Nice flatmates as well...

We left.

Spent three quarters of an hour pretending to use the cash machines while casing another house. Bank statement still looked poor. Aidan robison didn't come out, though people called Tom, John, and other rhymes did. A young lady was starting to look a bit weird at me. I think she was casing the house as well. I left.

March Hare

[09:28 AM] Paper Cuts mutilated James Gooding (an earthworm)'s gravestone.
an earthworm reports:

an earthworm reports: My corpse was mutilated by the wanted criminal Philip Bridge, who also murdered the innocent Michael Brooks, and mutilated the corpse of Gordon Freeman while I was there.

[09:40 AM] The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. lurked Rocking the Kaz Bar
The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[11:01 AM] Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. went hunting again.
Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. reports:

If you ever build a golem out of rock, make sure that you tell it that it’s all right for it to run with scissors, but not paper.

[11:27 AM] The Seal of Oreichalkos was yet another victim of Tetsu no Hana's cardlocked staircase and locked door.
The Seal of Oreichalkos reports:

He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.

[11:47 AM] Dick Grayson, the original Robin Boy Wonder, apprentice to the Dark Knight and trapeze artist incomparable tried his luck at finding the ever elusive Tetsu no Hana
Dick Grayson, the original Robin Boy Wonder, apprentice to the Dark Knight and trapeze artist incomparable reports:

Dick Grayson, the original Robin Boy Wonder, apprentice to the Dark Knight and trapeze artist incomparable looked for Tetsu no Hana in an effort to bring him to justice

I have marked you, you unproductive slug. If I myself do not render you no longer a waste of space, then surely my superiors will. You might as well surrender now.

[13:51 PM] Someone finally found Bruno Min (Tetsu no Hana)! Richard Gibson shot him in the head.
Richard Gibson reports:

I went again to Sidney Sussex this afternoon, the sight of many a joyful lurk over the past week. Having assumed one of my usual spots in one of the Sidney washing facilities, I proceeded to lie in wait. Unfortunately, it just wasn't as fun without other people to share SuperHappyBathroomTime with, so after 25 minutes I went over to my target's room, opened the door, and shot him. In the head. Twice.

I wish all my targets had such nice bathrooms.

Tetsu no Hana reports:

Today at around 1:50 pm, Richard Gibson barged into my room and brutally shot me on the head. Apparently, the murder had been planned the previous evening in the pub or something.....

[16:28 PM] The Phoenix was too late to get Tetsu no Hana anyway
The Phoenix reports:

The Phoenix attempted Bruno Min today, but cursed the use of coded security locks on his target's staircase - the bane of his life....

[20:57 PM] Xerxes, the Arch-Lich '#look'ed the in sound

[21:04 PM] Martin Mariusz Lester killed Lauren Grest (The Junior Anti-Sex League AKA Holden Caulfield)
Lauren Grest reports:

I made it through the wildnerness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how dead I was until I saw you
I am beat, incomplete

I've been had, I am sad and blue,
But I cannot feel
No I cannot feel
Because I'm dead

Like a corpse!
Shot for the very third time
Like a corpse
And your heart beats
Unlike mine

Gonna give you all my rubber bands boy
My life is fading fast
Been saving them all for you
Because only one of us could last

You're not fine and not mine
You made me weak, yeah you made me cold
And now my corpse has thawed out
Yeah, I'm all thwawed out
What was alive and bold

Like a corpse!
Shot for the very third time
Like a corpse
And your heart beats
Unlike mine

You're not fine and not mine
I'll be dead until the end of time
And I cannot feel
No I cannot feel
But I don't have to hide

Like a corpse!
Shot for the very third time
Like a corpse
And your heart beats
Unlike mine

Like a corpse, ooh ooh
Like a corpse
Feels so dead inside
When you shoot me and your heart beats and you kill me

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, Maz
Can't you hear my heart stop
For the very third time?

Martin Mariusz Lester reports:

I went into the CL early this morning to hand in some late supervision work. I then discovered that I had carelessly left it at home on my desk, so I had to cycle back to get it. The supervision was later postponed. Anyway, I was feeling rather tired, so I fell asleep in my lectures.

I awoke in the middle of a Compiler Construction lecture to hear Alan Mycroft talking about writing parsers or something dull like that. He made some surreal comment like:

"It's the same principle if you're writing a computer game engine or something like that. For example, if you saw this symbol, you would display a grizly monster running around on the screen at speed 7."

At about this point I lost the Game and thought of a new Game. The rules of the Grizzly Monster Game are:

1. There are 3 rules to the Grizzly Monster Game. Once you know all 3, you are playing the Grizzly Monster Game.

2. You cannot win the Grizzly Monster Game, only lose it. When you lose the Grizzly Monster Game, you are eaten by a grizzly monster.

3. If you think about being chased by Alan Mycroft at speed 7, you lose the Grizzly Monster Game. You must announce that you have lost the Grizzly Monster Game. Both you and the person to whom you announced this then enter a 30-minute period of grace, during which you are unable to be eaten by a grizzly monster.

That's largely irrelevant to this event, but I thought it ought to be recorded for posterity.

I heard that Newnham's Halfway Hall was tonight and that Lauren was attending. Usually, guests are not allowed, but I felt I couldn't turn down her courteous invitation:


I made my way to Newnham and, after much twisting and turning along corridors, found her room.

There were three large cupboards along the side of the corridor. The third of these was closest to her door and unlocked, so it might have made a good lurking spot, but that would have required me to move things to make floor space.

Near the end of the corridor was a kitchen. I considered poisoning something in Lauren's cupboard, but couldn't bear the thought that she might starve without her Super Noodles and Cup-a-Soups.

Finally, at the end of the corridor was a toilet: something of a cliche for assassins in Newnham, but I thought I'd hide there anyway.

A little while later, I heard the soothing Somerset accent of village girl Carrie Oliver and the cheeky Yorkshire accent of the delectable Lauren Grest approaching along the corridor. Their footsteps stopped near the toilet door. I opened it and was greeted by the sight of the lovely Lauren wearing a little black number 7. Like a grizzly monster, I ran out and shot her.

I offered her a happyfluffycaian hug, but she declined (probably best as I haven't washed since Saturday).

I feel so guilty of robbing such a beautiful and intelligent young lady of her life. I doubt I will ever get over the guilt. I am currently seeking help from psychiatrists.

Sorry for not sending you a poisoned Valentine's Day card.

Lots of love,


[22:35 PM] Raphael noticed that guns don't kill people, people do, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
Raphael reports:

Today, Raphael finally made a kill!!! Returning to his place of residence after hall, Raphael noted a strange and rather suspicious looking young lady entering the Harvey Court complex. Instantly he was on the alert: who, except for cold blooded killers, would choose to go to Harvey Court??? It's a concrete nightmare! He then discovered that it was in fact a police Constable known as Haibo E. Instantly it all fell into place. Was not Pamela Brent, a Harvey Courter, an inco? Did that not mean Haibo was there to kill her? Evidently. So after warning dear Pamela of the danger, Raphael decided to stand guard of his fellow college member. After waiting for an interminable period of time, Raphael decided that immediate action was required. Knocking and gaining entry to the room in which Ms E was lurking, Raphael promptly apologised for the rubber band that was about to send her to a long and dreamless sleep. And then shot her. In her dying breaths, she did, however inform him that ol' Pamela was not to be a victim that night.

Oh well, I guess I'm wanted again.

Spingu reports:

Earlier this evening, who did I spy trying to enter our impenetrable fortress but a known New Hall police officer, guns don't kill people, people do, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). What could she be doing here, in such close proximity to Pax? Surely not visiting a friend who lived below Pax's room!

So I gathered a group of police officers from all three corners of our little castle, and we sat in wait outside Pax's door for the lady from New Hall to emerge. She didn't. We got bored. We left. We made chips. We ate them. We returned. She still had not appeared.

So I went to the room where I knew she was staying. Here I found her claiming to be watching a film. A cunning disguise, I thought, so we sent an innocent in pretending that she was Pax, safe in the knowledge that I could cut Ms. GDKPPDAMDOIFHA Gun down before she even tried to fire on the innocent. However our cover was blown when the room's owner introduced out pretend Pax as not Pax.We left again, for more chips.

While wondering randomly through the corridors of our beloved building, one of the law enforcement officers on the scene, Raphael, began to get impatient. He began to shoot at just about anything. He wanted to kill. So we let him do whatever he wanted. It was a stupid move.

He followed two innocents into the room where the film was supposedly being watched, and from outside I heard the click of a RBG, and the girly squeals of a police officer who hadn't reckoned on the might of the [Colleg deleted] first year Mafia. But when she said that she'd never heard of Pax, we began to get suspicious, and think that maybe Raphael will become wanted once again, rendering my deletion of college name pointless as soon his name and address will be available for all to see. Oh well. At least we're all alive for now.

Fortunately, Haibo was rushed to hospital quickly and has made a full recovery. Del Ahmed has been made wanted (again) for attacking members of the police force. The rest of the harvey court police have been let off... for now.

The Umpire also requests that for the time being, no-one should attack Pamela, as she is very ill, and needs to leave her door open so she can be checked up on, her player notes will be changed when she recovers fully.

[23:02 PM] Christopher Field reported in, as usual.
Christopher Field reports:

Lord Umpire Almighty,

I bring you the latest intelligence I have gathered on the Santa Cabal. It seems as though they are in league with the Easter Bunny! Yes, I recently uncovered their plot to blow up the entire city with a bomb hidden in this seemingly innocent float. Note how evil the bunny looks!

Thankfully, I have agents in the field to prevent this device from being primed, so your safety is once again safe!

Chris Field

Thursday, 17 February

[10:00 AM] The Seal of Oreichalkos killed The wizard in training's brother
The Seal of Oreichalkos reports:

I went to The wizard in training door today, and waited for about 10 minutes. Then i knocked and hit in his gyp room, after about 30 seconds the door opened and a guy, matching The wizard in training description, in his underwear walked out, so i shot him. He said he was The wizard in training's brother, i investigated the room then and The wizard in training wasnt in. Do i go wanted, i mean, it was reasonable for me to expect that it was The wizard in training given the situation?

The wizard in training reports:

my brother who had been sleeping in my room last night was killed this morning by an assassin at the door

The Umpire realises that someone matching a description of your target wandering out of their room in their underwear does seem a like a sure bet, but has verified that this was indeed Tom's brother. As such, Stephen Mcann has been made wanted, but with very easy redemption conditions of one wanted or target, or two incompetents.

[11:50 AM] The Seal of Oreichalkos shot at Ash
Ash reports:

A few minutes after a distinctive knock that turned out to be both the Head Porter and Deputy Head Porter, the same knock sounded again. Looking out the viewslit I couldn't see anyone, so opened the door a crack. 5 rubber bands flew in, and neatly sliced off my right hand. Ouch. Fumbling with the left I pulled the door shut. One down, how many attempts to go...

The Seal of Oreichalkos reports:

I went to Ash's door, and knocked, he opened the door a little, i shot through the gap in the door and hit him a couple of times, but only in the arm unfortunately, Ash was quite nice about it and accepted my offer of a discussion phase so that i could pick up the bands i shot through the door.

[12:02 PM] Lemming Hunter made a mess involving Suzy Hamilton (Ninurta) and the Chemistry Department.
Lemming Hunter reports:

Waited outside the afternoon chemistry lecture (I'd been to her first one that morning and it'd been quite exciting). Shot her several times. She disputed it, so I shot her again.

[12:16 PM] Mazrael shot Richard Gibson (Lemming Hunter AKA Mazmodeus and the Reduced Shakespeare Company) in the street
Mazrael reports:

FOR I AM THE ANGEL MAZRAEL, ONE OF THE SEVEN, WHO STAND BEFORE THE UMPIRE And when Lemming Hunter had heard these things, he was troubled, and being seized with fear he fell upon the ground on his face. And the angel said to him: DEATH BE TO YOU, FEAR NOT. FOR WHEN I WAS FOLLOWING YOU, I WAS THERE BY THE WILL OF THE UMPIRE: BLESS YE HIM, AND SING PRAISES TO HIM.

Richard Gibson reports:

Reloaded my gun, strolled back feeling marginally more pleased with myself, without taking some form of absurdly circuitous route, and found myself unceremoniously poked in the back with a gun. Damn his cunning. Oh well - only managed to last 585 times as long as last game...

[13:30 PM] the incobashers tried the 'Chris Field Tactic' on Dego the Spanish Jester
Dego the Spanish Jester reports:

I had a visit from a hyperactive assassin today, who proceeded to place a recyclying bin outside my door for some reason, and then hid outside my window, no doubt hoping I'd lean out of it. I did, and shot him, but don't know where it hit - arm? leg? face? I wasn't looking to be honest.

"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

I made my (long-awaited, I'm sure) return to Fortress Robinson, with some backup this time in case the cowardly gits made good on their threats and attacked me with CPSs. Noting that the window was open, we took covering stances on it and approached the dread portal. Stephen McCann knocked, to receive no apparent response. Time passed. A hand emerged and fired a shot, and Adam Baird Fraser leapt out of concealment and bang-killed his window. The dead window was then firmly shut. After a few minutes it was apparent he wasn't coming out to play any further, so we made our way to the exit, where we encountered Jon Woolgar (the real one).

[14:45 PM] Adam Baird Fraser, "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!", The Seal of Oreichalkos, Ross Edmondson and Rohan Slayer of Incos went incobashing. "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" killed their rebelious left hand (their rebelious left hand)
Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

Seeing as Magdalene is now a hive of wanted and incompetent players, it perhaps wasn't surprising to have a visit from the police earlier - good to see they're doing their job. Not wanting to become embroiled in whatever might occur, and remebering something about discretion, I cunningly hid behind a locked door, occaisionaly waving to the officers of the law. And then they vanished.

Adam Baird Fraser reports:

After receiving a summons from my accomplices I made my way to our meeting place, whence we ventured to Robinson. Here we knocked on the door of the inco, but to no avail. I helpfully bang killed his window, and he shot out it blindly, missing us both.

Later we met up with some friends and assaulted Magdalene, where Ben Jones was killed by Tom Booth. Kit hid when he saw us, and the incos refused to answer their doors.

"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

We entered Magdalene to attack the two incompetents cowering within, and found one of them cowering within his room. Sadly he was cowering sufficiently to refuse to open the door. Coward. As we waited outside, however, three people approached from the opposite end of the corridor. One of them looked strangely familiar from somewhere- a photo, perhaps. Was this truly the dangerous criminal their rebelious left hand? And if so, why was he strolling towards four such obvious assassins in so carefree a fashion? I stared at him. Then I shot him. He ran away.

After speaking with the two girls who had been walking with their rebelious left hand for a while, I saw another faintly familiar face down the corridor. Before I could greet him, however, Rocking the Kaz Bar fled into a nearby room, where he proceeded to load a RBG and wave at us through the window as we left. Still no sign of the incompetents though. Cowards.

On a side note, the cowardly incompetents were sufficiently terrified of us as not even to speak to the two lovely young ladies who followed the nefarious their rebelious left hand into the building. That wasn't very nice of them.

(3.00-4pm) New Hall/Fitzwilliam

I wandered with Ross Edmondson and Rohan Slayer of Incos to visit the incompetents in New Hall and Fitzwilliam. Neither was in. There was an impressive piece of misdirection by Sally Hubbard in having another name on the staircase name list, but it was marred slightly by having a letter addressed to "Sally" stuck on her door. There was also a rather ominous scattering of rubber bands on the floor outside WYSIWYG's room, but no sign of the man himself.

WYSIWYG reports:

Aha! After weeks of paranoid waiting for my assassins, not one attempt. Brief hours after my Incompetent status is posted, and something happens. Perhaps I have a particularly inactive bunch of assassins.

Unfortunatly, I was out then the inco-bashers came in, so I have only second hand information. About 3:30, three blokes with long hair, wearing black turned up. This would have made me cautious anyway, and they were wielding RBGs. Not very subtle. I hope the substance covering my spyhole wasn't poisonous, but it has been disposed of carefully anyway. Better luck next time!


their rebelious left hand reports:

I am much saddened to relate my own passing. May it be known that I will avenge myself not just upon those assassins that killed me, but upon NATSCIs everywhere!

[15:00 PM] G.I.Bob lurked for Ash
G.I.Bob reports:

The skies were dark and a storm was heard behind as G.I.Bob left the seen of an atrocity in search of the notorious Ross Edmondson. Ever-careful he first scoped the surrounding area, including a part of Selwyn that is so modern that it hasn't actually been built yet.

After entering from the side, G.I.Bob stood outside E staircase and prepared himself mentally to lurk. Wary as always he decided to diguise himself as a marshmallow lightly covered in chocolate and take a look around.

The staircase was quiet... too quiet. G.I.Bob decided it was unsafe to be seen anywhere on the staircase, and so he went outside and waited in the shadows.

An hour passed, but still there was no sign of him, so G.I.Bob went off to snack on some army rations before being witness to yet another atrocity (dark skies still loom over his head).

[17:48 PM] Stephen McCann went incobashing with Raccoon 2
Raccoon 2 reports:

Decided that a bit of an inco-bash was in order, there's too many of them about really, so myself and the honorable, trustworthy, not-at-all-naughty, sexily-voiced-like-a-cinnamon-chicken-in-winter and generally-a-good-guy (and he didn't tell me to say that) Steve McCann went on a bit of a hunt. However, as is so often the case these days, we were foiled somewhat by the fact our targets weren't readily available.

Stephen McCann reports:

After the shambles that was the morning time, we went to magdalene to hopefully kill the correct person this time. We checked the door to his room which was locked then someone at the end of the corridor who looked like Pugh (from the back of his head anyway) went into the common room there. The common room was keycard locked, and so we decided to come back later rather than freak him out and make him more paranoid.

Myself and Michael Wallace got to New Hall at about 4.45pm i think. We found sally hubbards room, Her door was locked and we spoke to her neighbour who said she'd be out all day. So we left.

We came back after a visit to new hall, but he wasnt around. :(

[18:10 PM] Ross Edmondson fireballed Niraj Modha (Dego the Spanish Jester) with some help from his family.
Dego the Spanish Jester reports:

Dego is dead. Not a laughing matter.

I found Ross Edmondson's staircase with ease and his room with some diffculty (I had thought it was number 20, but that didn't exist). The front door was locked and I heard male and female voices from inside, so I held back. The shower room was quite dark and damp, and there was no-one to tell jokes to, so I got out my juggling balls.

Thinking that 20 minutes was long enough to gain competence, I was deciding to leave... but then his door opened. I gave it 10 seconds and then jumped out, almost catching my hat in the door.

When a guy jumps out of a room brandishing an RBG, the last thing you'd expect is his target's mother (?) precautioning against the doorway-death of her son (?) and slamming it shut. But I knew I'd been rumbled, so I slid down the stairs and hop-scotched out of the college grounds.

The rest is a bit silly. I came back another way for some more (naughty incompetent!) and he shot me with a rubber ball after some chase (although he may have got me as I was exiting Selwyn too). I had even tried jay-running but that was a bit silly. And my jester's tights got wet. He was polite and promised to wash them for me, and then proceeded to show me his own. Then I ran away and rang the real police.

*Note - some of the above paragraph may be slightly or severely embellished.

Ash reports:

Just as Rohan Slayer of Incos, my mother (who had come to collect him) and I were leaving my room, Niraj appeared. My mum (who wants to receive recognition, so thankyou Anne Edmondson!) quickly shut the door on me and Rohan to protect us, as we were laden down with boxes). Quickly realising what was up we dropped boxes and readied weapons.

Meanwhile Niraj had, apparently, flashed my mum a winning grin and headed off. I followed, and found him outside, coming back for another try. He realised who I was (the large gun was a clue) and turned to run, but my shot hit him dead in the centre of the back. As he had a backpack on, he didn't realise and kept running, so I chased him down and delivered another shot. We had a chat and went on our way!

[20:00 PM] Kiku and Gully Foyle went incobashing in Magdalene too.
Gully Foyle reports:

We noble police forged boldly into the depths of Magdalene. We knocked on incompetent doors. We conversed with an incompetent. He was a bit suspicious, so rather than waste good acting skills, I gave him obvious lie #3. After that we saw no-one, not even a wanted.

Friday, 18 February

[10:30 AM] ck uno Raphael Spingu Alan Bitchmarsh and the Yorkshire Rap Collective and "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" lurked Rocking the Kaz Bar. ck uno killed The Prophet Amos (L7]), Spingu mutilated their rebelious left hand, and then the group went and decorated Christopher Field's door in celebration.
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

The SWAT team, comprising myself, Nick Plummer, Pete Myerson, Del Ahmed and Chris Korek, congregated in the pub before making its way to the Magdalene house of fun where the incompetents were supposed to be. Coincidentally we arrived at the house at exactly the same time as [Neil Sadler], who was rapidly knifed by Chris. We ventured inside to discover none of the incompetents at home, but as we were leaving we again encountered the possibly dead criminal [Benjamin Jones]. He loitered at the bottom of the stairs for a while, speculating in a manner we didn't entirely understand about whether I had shot him earlier, until Nick settled matters by shooting him again.

Discovering that Thomas Pugh was not at home, or at least not to guests, we then headed Benson-ward, and set up teams outside both exits to Kit Jenkins and George Crowley's staircase. Kit Jenkins appeared briefly at the back exit, but rapidly retreated inside again on seeing us there. Wary of our superior numbers, he contented himself with waving at us out of the windows for about half an hour. An attempt to get out of the front was thwarted by Del Ahmed who shot at him but unfortunately missed. Interrogation of any student who happened to be passing failed to yield any keys that could get us in. After it became clear that Kit wasn't coming out to play, we called it a night and headed off to Caius.

ck uno reports:

as the informative title no doubt hinted at tonight five officers took place in a swat raid against the Magdalane incompetents and criminals. After a brief meeting in which the plan was laid out we then proceeded to a party were informants had revealed the criminals would.

Luckily on the doorstep we met Neil Sadler who, even after being stabbed in the back by me,opened the door for us. Then invading the party we made sure to wish the somewhat shocked birthday girl happy birthday only to find that Ben Jones was in fact out. A good bit of lurking resulted in the aformentioned Ben actually making an appearance and ensuring us that he had accepted being killed earlier that day.

Next was Tom Pugh who sadly was not in. Then was Kit Jenkins who was in, but sadly not leaving. Thus after a somewhat uneventful we felt obliged to drop in on Chris Field and leave ballons on his door. He evidently didn't appreciate this, since he sent someone round to have us killed, but made up for it by offering us chocalate digestives.

Spingu reports:

Our good selves got onto our bicycles with Alan Bitchmarsh (who didn't seem to have his Yorkshire Rap Collective in tow) and headed down to the Mitre to meet up with Mr "Target Kills You!" and Mr Uno for a swift (or not so swift in Spingu's case, which led to him being pennied) pint before heading on down to Magdalene. Stopping en route at 30a Bridge Street to sing happy birthday to some random girl called Louise but mainly to find Their Rebellious Left Hand. He however claimed to have been deaded earlier in the day, having previously claimed not to have been deaded in the very same incident, but Spingu shot him in the foot anyway. Served him right, no-one wants zombies at a party, they take all the life out of it (boom boom!). Ck Uno knifed The Prophet Amos, who didn't see that one coming (these jokes are getting worse) after he let us enter, in a very subtle manner.

We went on down the road to the main college building, and actually got in without being stopped by any Porters, and went to the room of The Wizard in Training, who was not in, making our piece of toilet paper over the spy hole a little redundant. So we went out again, being spotted by a Porter with an impressive piece of facial shrubbery, who obviously knew what we were up to but didn't mind, which was nice. Crossing the road, we tailed some random into Benson (haven't been warned not to let weirdos dressed in black (and grey) in, we could have been thieving stuff you muppets!), and went up the stairs to see if either of the guys on J staircase were there. The In Sound was Out (I'm trying, ok?), but Mr Casbah was rocking away, as usual. Now the shareef don't like it, and neither did HCMaf, or the other two SWAT members, so three of us took the back passage in an attempt to ambush him. He did appear, but out of a different door to the one we expected, and at the sound of his name he disappeared into another door.

Showing surprising athleticism unbecoming of a CompSci, Spingu ran with "In Soviet Russia, Target Kills You!" round the building, catching him on the other side. Spingu fired after him, but couldn't get the range with the RBG, and Rocking The Casbah rocked all the way to the locked door and did his disappearing act again. Spingu then fell on the slimy grimy walkway into a large puddle, but we don't talk about that. Splitting into teams, Spingu and Alan Bitchmarsh took that door, while Ck Uno and Raphael went up the stairs, and "In Soviet Russia" as SWAT leader wandered around where he pleased. Raphael knocked on the door, and Mr Casbah warily emerged, only to make a strategic but hasty retreat under a hail of rubber bands. He then tried to emerge from the other door again, to find a couple of SWAT in wait, and so once more retreated, this time to the toilet. Who knows what he could have been doing in there?! Later on, from here and someone else's bedroom, he could cover all angles outside the door, so at around 2330 we decided to call it a day. No-one had a key that would let us into that staircase, and he wouldn't come out to offer us a warm drink or a hug or anything, so we gave up and walked back towards the Mitre.

In a flash of inspiration, Mr Uno thought we could pay a visit to Chris Field, as he had some balloons and sticky stuff in his pocket that were in no way going to be employed in making bombs before the new rule came into force. Harry the lovely Caius Porter let us in, and gave us some sellotape, so we each blew up a balloon and wrote a lovely message on for Chris. He kind of spoiled the effect by coming out of his room, but we had a lengthy discussion with him about his ribbons and the breasted carrot, and had a few pictures taken. Plus Alan Bitchmarsh, in a hurry to get home to his beloved Yorkshire Rap Collective, left his soggy helmet as a present to either Chris or the Master's Secretary (no comment as to which one it was intended for was made).

As a last gasp effort to actually kill someone, we headed to Kings, where a discussion with a Porter led to us not being allowed through the door, though the Porter was, in Raphael's words, "well safe" and had a nice long chat with us about what a naughty boy Mr Paper Cuts was. So we went home. The end.

Mazrael reports:

Umpirest Dear,

I find that my door has yet again become the centre of attention. An unusually motley crew visited me last night ( and proceeded to decorate with intent. The result is quite interesting, and makes it slightly difficult to close the door ( Whatever will happen next?

Chris Chield.

[10:55 AM] "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" killed Andrew Sobala (Boy in Green)
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

I was meant to meet up with Rosie just before Andrew Sobala's first lecture to kill him, but, half-asleep and stumbling from my house at such an ungodly hour in the morning, I didn't check the map and went to the wrong Biochemistry building (sorry, Rosie). Not, apparently, that it would have mattered, since he was quite late for the lecture anyway. But having returned home briefly and feeling rather more awake, I went back- to the right building this time- to get him on the way out of the same lecture, arriving just as the biochemists were leaving the building. The resigned expression on the face of my target as I produced a gun confirmed his identity, and I bang-killed him on the steps.

Rosemary Warner reports:

Dear Mr Sobala,

Your regret that no-one is trying to kill you is understandable. Had I managed to last for five days on the incompetent list without dying I too would be begging and pleading for someone to make an attempt on me.

However, if you wish any of this information to be useful, please actually *go* *to* *lectures*. I realise that such topics as tumour suppressor genes and bioenergetics are not particularly riveting, but you will in fact need to know them in the exam, and quite thoroughly too. Quite apart from this is the fact that I've been taking time out from my own lab work to stand outside lecture theatres looking silly.

Tomorrow, please wait outside your 9am lecture by the whiteboard in the foyer where I can arrange a quick and easy death for you.

With much love,


[17:11 PM] Conner, Murphy and Il Douche visited Paper Cuts
Murphy reports:

The saints report

"Whosoever shed last blood. By man shall his blood be shed. For immunity of god make he the man. Destroy all that which is evil. So that which is good may flourish. And I shall count thee amoung my favoured sheep. And you shall have the protection of all the angels in heaven."

The Boondock Saints

[17:47 PM] Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson visited March Hare
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson reports:

Went to see if my new target, March Hare, wanted to be friends with me. Sadly, he was hiding on a swipe-card protected staircase and the only person about wasn't overly willing to let me in.

[19:00 PM] Adam Baird Fraser, Callum Dawes, Ed Heaney, Matthew Johnson, White Rabbit, Rabid Squirrel and "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" ambushed The Seal of Oreichalkos
Rabid Squirrel reports:

After receiving a tipoff that a certain radio presenter would be going wanted shortly before the end of his show, a small group of us - Rabid Squirrel, White Rabbit and a mysterious live player - went to lurk him.

We got to CUR at around 18:20 and scouted out the surrounding area. I took position at the back of the building and the other two hid in the bushes at the front. We waited. Around 18:35, some others - one police and three live players - turned up, having presumably the same idea. We rearranged our positions slightly and continued to lurk.

Finally, at 18:45, our target's co-presenter came out through the front door and proceeded to distract people while, of course, remaining perfectly innocent. Needless to say, our target used the "distraction" to leave through the back at speed - I shouted to the other lurkers and two of us gave chase but he was too fast.

Matthew Johnson reports:

Having noticed that a certain Steve Mccann had just been declared wanted by The Umpire, and being only down the road from where he was regaling us with wit and song from the CUR studio, I decided to take a stroll with my freinds to see if I could congratulate him. In the many minutes it took for him to grace us with his presence a number of other suspicious characters arrived and with several people covering each of the exits we felt sufficiently confident.

Sadly when he finally emerged all that was seen when was a blur heading out the far exit from me, missed my all the collected police waiting for him.

11 out of 10 for speed, 4 out of 10 for promptness, 2 out of 10 for policing

The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

another report in Picture form.

Xerxes, the Arch-Lich reports:

"You hear convulsive ravings."

[21:30 PM] Marmeduke took Nelly the almost-elephant along to kill David Roberts (WYSIWYG)
Marmeduke reports:

At 8pm tonight i discovered that one of my targets, Dave Roberts, had become incompetent. Sensing blood, i decided to enlist the help of my good friend Nelly the almost Elephant and embark on a killing spree in Fitzwilliam College. On arriving we easily found X9 thanks to the handy and colourful maps. Information was then needed to be gathered. We discovered that Dave was vv paranoid although susceptible to a bite to eat. Finding some useful pizza, this was temptingly deposited outside the target's door and on his emergence, he was duly shot in the stomach at point blank range to which he said merely "Oh". He was very pleasant about the whole thing really, considering i had just shot him but these things have to be done...

WYSIWYG reports:

What's that? a knock upon my door? Better go and see who it is then. A friend with pizza! Yum! But who's this? Marmaduke with a rather large gun? What's that I here? "Bang"? I appear to have a large hole in my chest. And another person behind me as well, Nellie-the-almost-elephant I believe. Nice to know you, goodbye!

Nelly the almost-elephant reports:

Eats (Provided pizza for subject)
Shoots (No explanation needed)
Leaves (Similarly)

[21:51 PM] The Seal of Oreichalkos looked for Mushroom
The Seal of Oreichalkos reports:

Welcome to the future - it's broken!

A small cardboard box reports:

It seems that Steve McCann has been lurking Newnham. Given that I was... in the area, I figured I'd do my bit. Ended up firing a few shots at each other and running round - no damage done. It was all very aerobic.

Saturday, 19 February

[10:23 AM] his or her evil twin nearly killed Paper Cuts

[12:49 PM] Rocking the Kaz Bar visited Paper Cuts
Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

Phil, you have a Wonderful Alarm Clock.

[14:46 PM] Tyr didn't find Mushroom
Tyr reports:

With little else to occupy me on a quiet saturday afternoon, and with inco deadlines creeping up, a trip to Newnham, depsite the distance involved, seemed like a good idea. On arrival, having successfully negotiated the long corridors and large grounds, I knocked on my targets door in vain. No reply. I knocked again. No reply. A short walk around the area led to a window, which was closed. However, with no-one inside, it was clear she wasn't hiding. G13, Peile, Newnham. I wasn't in the wrong place, but it seemed the inco I was hunting was. Fifteen minutes later, when still there was no sign of anyone at all, I decided waiting round in bushes looked somewhat suspicious. Furthermore, one of the male persuasion loitering in a women's college too provoked some strange passing looks. My trip it seems, will have to be repeated. Inco to be killed as soon as found, until then other targets to be sought.

Justice, honour, and wrath in blazing glory.

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