The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Private Snafu and I decided to try and kill 1123581321 again. We tried a similar strategy as last time but were met with the same result.

Ever since the death of Lord Chin Chin, one thousand chromosomes ago, I, Francis of the Filth, and my loyal colleague Pink Guy, have had to serve a new Lord of the Omniverse. Our traditional sacrifice is no longer enough: our new Lord insists that we cook him the best ramen the omniverse has to offer. Obviously, this requires us to kill a lot of people, quite regularly.

Now, it wasn't long ago that Hungry Alan entered my rice fields and tried to kill me with a banana, and obviously I don't want such an all-round embarrassing event to reoccur. So, Pink Guy and I went to his realm and tried to defeat him there. Unfortunately, we must have arrived in the wrong chromosome, as he was nowhere to be found. Our Lord remains hungry, and the Omniverse remains in peril.

Boing, Boing, Boing!

*thunk*

Today I was walking to my lectures, when I heard a voice behind me saying hey Emile Ward. I turned around and I saw a bullet flying at me. It hit me in the arm and I thought my days were over. However my good friend called me from my daze and said I wasn't dead yet and still could and should fight, even without my left arm. I ducked around a corner and grabbed my cannonballs from my pocket. My assassin tried to reload his gun, but before I could I had already tossed my cannonballs at him, killing him before he could end me. It was a close call but I managed to survive.

I killed Top Cat. After sitting through Top Cat's lecture for an hour I followed him out of the lecture theatre and killed him on the stairs outside with a knife.

I killed Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness. Gerry Adams tried to kill me with a finger gun, so I stabbed him with a highlighter labelled "knife". I then walked to Martin McGuinness's room, knocked on his door, and stabbed him with the knife. They both agree I killed them.

Did I ever mention I've got a list of people who don't lock their doors? Jamal Ackland got added to this list. But there's a tiny extra detail: all people on this list are dead.

Private Snafu has decided he likes stabbing people. He likes it so much, in fact, that he may stab some more. People who aren't Private Snafu might want to watch their backs.

Situation continues to be normal: all fucked up.

Piii...KA!

I happened to be in the right place at the right time

It seems the Peace Lord Yadaran is becoming wary of me for what I know. Since I acquired my newfound knowledge of the Omniverse, he believes the only way to keep it from turmoil is to curb my power. He has already stopped me from sharing this potent knowledge through videos.

Today, I discovered that Yadaran must have a really high IQ, because he sent Mr Meeseeks to the Rice Fields to kill me for entering realms which I shouldn't be compatible with. When he arrived, my days as an anime hunter were put to good use: after a cautious stalemate which seemed to last seventy chromosomes, Pink Guy appeared.

"Ey b0ss!"

"Pink Guy! I need you to do exactly as I say. Pick up the gun, and we'll run at Mr Meeseeks together. If we move quickly, we can extract his chromosomes. Wait, do meeseeks even have chromo-"

(Pink Guy screams.)

"Pink Guy? PINK GUY!"

"Ey b0ss! Can I habe a... new writer plees?"

"Pink Guy! You're alive! You - you killed Mr Meeseeks! [Umpire's Note: Look at him] Hey - what do you mean 'a new writer'? I can write these things to be funny! I can - I can do a good written impression of Filthy Frank with only limited swearing and not joking about cancer!"

(Pink Guy shakes his head.)

"Oh, and I didn't even get to say the 'rice fields' line!"

So there we go, my students. That's how Mr Meeseeks was killed.

The Kweens Fortress seemed to be made even more impenetrable by the weather as snow was added to the piercing wind. I finally managed to get in through one of the gates, blending in a group. I navigated randomly through the maze of buildings and somehow found my victim's quarters. I knocked. She looked at me, with a look of resignation as my knife pierced through her heart.

Today I was tasked with taking out Fat Tony. Getting to his door was easy. I knocked, but to no avail as he informed me there was no way of getting in. Calling it a day, I left, shortly to be called by Professor Professor. "Victor, are you still alive?" "Yes I'm still alive"

I wanted to deliver a delicious snack to someone but they didn't show up to their staircase after lectures to receive it. What could possibly have been more important?

Hey! Do you know how Night Angel sounds when his insides become outsides?

Me Neither!

Ho there citizen!

Today was a [REDACTED] day for Captain Redactor in his fight against [REDACTED].

I [REDACTED] to the [REDACTED] of that [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] Wabbit, hoping to [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] with my [REDACTED] until he never [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] again without a straw and an elephant sized toothbrush.

As I [REDACTED] the [REDACTED], I saw [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. Walking past, [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and Dangerous. Citizens, this [REDACTED] your [REDACTED] [REDACTED] Captain Redactor, and I am [REDACTED]. My [REDACTED] [REDACTED], my [REDACTED] [REDACTED] and my Holhauzer 7 jammed.

I turned and [REDACTED] for [REDACTED], never looking [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] will make [REDACTED] do [REDACTED] things.

But Citizens, know this. Captain Redactor will be [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] my [REDACTED]!

Hi there oh great Mayor Quimby, who I am definitely going to vote for...

Also, good day to you dearest Professor Incompetent.

You will be happy to (DARKNESS!) hear that your (LADY FRIEND!) Assassin-inator (MISERY!) had no effect whatsoever on me as (TIME!) was proven by how I went out to not kill (MANNERS MAKETH MAN!) both Dirk Dwyer, my target and somebody or other who was Eddie Valiant's target. (PLANS! SUBTERFUGE! BETRAYAL! MURDER!) We failed on both counts, both were out and Dirk Dwyer did not come back even when we camped the room for a little while. (POWER!)

So, of course, your ray had no effect on me... how else does one explain the (TOWER!) lack of corpses?

I remain

-The Gentleman.

Course, it was in the papers by that evening. Dame who runs with a big mob boss like that, found dead in the river – it's a story made to sell. There wasn't much detail on what happened, though apparently the cops had connected it to a coupla murders across town – a cop stabbed to death, and some hood with a knife in his hands and a bullet in his back. Ballistics said it was a .32 – a lady's weapon. No-one knows what happened to her, though, or why her body got dumped. If the cops know something for a change, then they're keeping quiet. Even my contacts in the force got nothing. Thing is, though, they found out more or less when she musta died, what with the state of her body and the way the river ran. She couldn'ta been out of my sight more than an hour when it happened. And that's what had me worried. She's working with me when I knock off a toon who's a major lead in a lotta funny business, and then an hour later she's dead, and that don't look like a coincidence to me. I don't wanna be the guy who got her killed.

Least of all because The Gentleman ain't a guy you cross. I always stayed away from the mobs – well, until I got mixed up in all this mess – but I heard the stories. He wanted someone dead, they died within the day, within the hour. And he never forgot a slight, or forgave a mistake. Ruthless gets you to the top, but it don't bring many people with you.

So yeah, I was afraid. And when I got word he wanted to see me, I figured I was dead. He figured I'd got his girl killed, or else I'd killed her myself, and that was it. I tried to make sure my body'd have plenty evidence on it – shoes with enough tread to show where I'd been, letter telling me to meet him in my pocket. Not that anybody'd ever try to make a case against him – the guy's gotta own half the damn cops in Toon Town – but I hadda try, ya know? A guy wants to feel like somebody'd try to follow it up.

Only, he didn't seem to want me dead. Not yet, at least. I rocked up to the street corner he'd pointed me at – ten minutes early, I still ain't that stupid – and waited, and then he strolls up, cool as anything. Didn't seem as cut up about things as I'd expected, but I guess that's what the business demands. Told me to take a walk with him. Talked about the case I'd been on, real casual like, how maybe I'd been drawing the attention of some people I didn't wanna be paying too much attention to me. How maybe I could use some protection.

Now, it was pretty obvious to me who I'd be in most trouble from if I didn't accept his "protection". But knowing that it was a scam didn't make him any less dangerous, and ya know, the guy wasn't wrong. Whatever I'd stuck my nose into, people seemed pretty happy to kill to keep it quiet, and personally, I didn't much like the idea of being dead.

So I went with him. He knew about the file I got sent – don't ask me how – but it didn't seem like he sent it. Seemed to want to know about it almost as much as I did. We paid a visit to one or two of the folks on the list, though not much came of it – I guess no guy with a life worth talking about stays in of an evening anyways. Snooped about, checked the door, nothing. I kinda hope for their sake they stay that way – I know I'd be scared for anybody The Gentleman wanted to visit.

After that, though, he asked me to follow him on a coupla house calls he was making himself. Now, that turned me sick to my stomach. I'm a detective, ya know? I find out the truth. I help people. I don't wanna be a heavy for some mob boss. But my own neck's gotta come first, so I followed the guy. Took long enough, too – he wanted to swing by a few places, pick up supplies, get information outta a few other suckers under his "protection". Seemed to work, too – whatever he found out, he was pretty damn happy. You always gotta be afraid when a guy like that seems happy. But I kept my hands clean, at least for now – if he was looking for anyone special, we didn't find them. Closest we came was stumbling across some guy who ran with another mob. I gotta say, I half thought that was gonna be it – ain't like either of these guys was known for their restraint when it comes to spilling blood – but seemed like nobody wanted to be first to draw a piece. He even tipped us off about some other shady business going on there, let us get the hell on outta there before trouble went down. I was glad things got cut short, I gotta say. I already got enough blood on my hands for one lifetime.

So at the end of the night, I did a lot better than I'd dared hope – I was still alive, all my limbs still attached, ya know, and no extra murders on my conscience. I didn't wanna be too hopeful – I didn't dare think I was outta the woods with The Gentleman just yet – but he seemed to think I was worth more to him and his gang dead or alive, and that was at least something. The kinda power he had in Toon Town, he might even be able to help me get to the bottom of this mess of a case, if he wasn't behind it himself. Certainly, it didn't seem to me like I had much to lose by throwing my lot in with him and his people, at least for the time being. Damn, but if only I knew…

->Bozo's hitman showed their hand last night when she pulled a gun on Bozo in a Gun-Free Zone
->Bozo was displeased about this
->Bozo went and did very very much computer research
->Found things like their address and their subject and a 2 for 1 Domino's coupon though that wasn't relevant to the research Bozo just likes pizza
->Went and waited at very cold time with large knife outside big building
->Hitman ran into large knife
->Oops
->Don't fuck with Bozo

I knocked on Yurio's room door. I heard some shuffling, so hid behind a corner, ready to pounce on the target. Nothing happened. After knocking on the door a couple more times, I determined that the shuffling was in fact coming from next door. Fearing that my cover may be blown, I disappeared back into the shadows waiting for another opportunity to strike.

Private Snafu likes to kill. He particularly likes it when his victims make that lovely gurgling sound as the blood gushes out of their bullet-holes. Pink Guy made a nice one.

Situation, as ever, normal: all fucked up.

It's always nice when an alliance loses its secrecy because you and your friend have both its members as targets. Private Snafu and I decided to wipe Francis of the Filth and Pink Guy out before they could get any more dangerous.

After discovering that hall seemed to be cancelled this evening, we patrolled their building for alternative exits, and that's when I saw that not only did this college provide its students with a real kitchen, but the back of someone's head looked very much like it could belong to Pink Guy. I briefly took flight to look through the window at the other man at the table. That was definitely my target, Francis of the Filth.

We couldn't let this opportunity pass us, so we waited outside the staircase and two passers by opened the door. We were just too late to enter before the door closed somehow, so asked them to let us in for a believable reason. Then they asked who we were visiting and hesitantly I said a common name which luckily worked and caused no suspicion.

Having seen the outside of the building, we knew exactly where our targets were, and proceeded immediately to the door. Private Snafu burst in first, effortlessly shooting Pink Guy dead. There was now a problem however, that Private Snafu was blocking my vision of Francis of the Filth. Luckily Francis of the Filth solved that problem for me by moving to the side, so I blasted a hole in him with my bright blue fire breath.

Plinium killed Victor Volt today thanks to cunning recognition skills of myself and some friends.

"Victor, are you still alive?"

"Remind me again why we're cycling in the rain to this strange ACME Learn-a-Torium?" Pusheen asked, though in fact Kitty was the one doing all the cycling. Pusheen was sitting in the basket and being absolutely no help (as usual).

"Because we need to kill someone today, or tomorrow we will be Iconobashed by all of Toon Town," Kitty answered, starting to lose her patience. She had already explained this.

"Maybe you'll be Iconobashed. I won't; I'm just a weapon."

"Thanks for your sympathy," Kitty grumbled. "Anyway, from MY thorough research, I've learned that Hennie is a second year physicist. That means she has lectures here on Fridays."

"None of my research turned this up."

"That's because whenever you type it comes out as ‘heish7272.,,,,,,'," Kitty retorted. "Now be quiet! You won't deceive anyone if you're heard talking."

* * *

The ACME Learn-a-Torium certainly looked like the kind of place where one might get assassinated. The place was a maze of narrow alleys and industrial machinery sounded ominously in the background. With a click glance over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't followed, Kitty crept up the steps to the ACME "Tar 'n' Feather" Lecture Theatre. The hallway outside was empty save for a male student occupying the lone chair. The door to the lecture was open, but Kitty couldn't see in well enough to tell if Killerheels was inside. She didn't quite understand this whole "Physics A" and "Physics B" thing. Did physicists take both? Did the first lecture really end at 12pm and the second one begin right then? What about lunch?! Kitty realised that physicists could be superhuman creatures who did not even need lunch. She would have to be on her guard.

Her best plan seemed to be waiting till 12, when hopefully Killerheels would either be going in or coming out. It was just after 11 though. She needed somewhere to wait and hide. Kitty climbed up the staircase to the next level. The small landing was empty. No chairs. The one door had a "Teaching Room" sign. No good. Climbing another flight up only led to a sketchy small hallway with no doors and a conspicuous metal stepladder. Time to get out of this building before someone assassinated HER.

Kitty quietly crept back down to the floor with the lecture hall. The lone male student still occupied the only chair. He was immersed in a book and seemed unlikely to be getting up soon. Kitty went back outside and down the stairs, which bore the ominous warning "Chained Bicycles Will Be Immobilised." Would they immobilise a chained Pusheen for me... Kitty wondered deviously.

Across the alley Kitty spotted a building that looked slightly less dilapidated. A long row of steps led up to the entranceway, and Kitty noted that from the top it made a nice lookout on the door to the lecture theatre. But there was still the chance that Killerheels was already inside the theatre and would only go out in the hall for a short break at noon. If Kitty missed Killerheels then it would be hours more waiting. She would keep this spot in mind though if she received future missions at the Learn-a-Torium. Kitty stepped inside to a foyer that was at least open and bright. No chairs though. Physicists didn't need lunch OR chairs?! A concrete ledge ran along the wall. It would have to do. Kitty settled in and waited.

* * *

11:50. Time to go back to the Lecture Theatre. Kitty went back outside and across the alley, looking around carefully to make sure she wasn't pursued. Chair Guy was still in the hallway, though now a couple other students were standing around. Kitty tried her best to blend in and look like a physicist, having no need for lunches or chairs. The clock crept closer to noon. A larger crowd gathered; the morning lecturer droned on.

Then the outer door opened and a student with long dark hair walked in to join the waiting crowd.

"Is that her?" Pusheen whispered.

"I think so," Kitty answered. "But, I'm not positive."

"So what? If it's not her, oh well. The more dead the merrier!"

"Pusheen!" Kitty scolded quietly while hoping no one caught her talking to a cute fluffy animal. There were too many people around. So far none seemed hostile, thankfully. But, if she killed some random random bystander, Kitty was certain she would feel the wrath of Toon Town within seconds.

"Well, we'll be fine because you have a plan, right?" Pusheen asked.

"Of course," Kitty muttered. "What do you think I've been doing for the last hour while we waited? Not napping like SOMEONE I know. I'll just go up to her and ask if she's Killerheels ."

"That's your brilliant plan?" Pusheen replied. "Oh sure, a strange person comes up to me. I know it's open season in Toon Town. ‘Killerheels ? Nope, no Killerheels here. Never heard of her.'"

"Shh.. Deceptive, remember? You are a cute, inanimate fluffy animal," Kitty reminded.

Kitty walked over to the student. The hallway was getting crowded, but she stood by herself.

"Are you Killerheels ?" Kitty asked.
The strange opened her mouth as if starting to answer but then stopped, as if she's suddenly thought better of it. But her face betrayed a defeated smile, and that was enough to seal her fate.

"The one day I show up to lectures early!" Killerheels exclaimed. Those were her last words before Pusheen sprung from behind Kitty and buried her claws in Killerheels ' torso. As Killerheels crumpled to the ground she faintly noticed before losing consciousness that the Pusheen still had a paper tag. And on the back of the tag were the words "Ferocious Attack Tiger."

* * *

"Well, clearly the moral of that story is to never show up early for lectures," Pusheen noted as they left the lecture hall. Kitty nodded. The day was off to a good start. With any luck she'd even make it back for lunch.

[REDACTED]!

Well Citizen, I may have [REDACTED], but at least I'm [REDACTED], and got this delicious Wrap

What a [REDACTED]!! The Gentleman got hold of personalised timetables for our assessments. He knew it would be the only one held outside an OoB zone, so he came to kill me. I am not on his target list, he just wanted me out of the game. Perhaps he was too afraid of my existence. Unaware of his foul intentions I greeted him with a smile. After a while he was nowhere to be seen.

I tipped off Undefined Behaviour about whereabouts of his target, The Gentleman, and we went looking for him. It didn't take long for us to find him. Undefined Behaviour fired three shots at The Gentleman from up on the stairs but missed. I ran down to shoot The Gentleman for bearing, but he shot first. I dodged the bullet and he ran outside.

Thinking the encounter was over, Undefined Behaviour left the area. My thoughts were not nearly the same. I foolishly followed The Gentleman outside. We both were standing there, "clearly" not bearing any weapons. After a slightly awkward conversation we established that we had absolutely no incentive to kill one another. That did not resolve the awkwardness of the standoff.

Then suddenly The Gentleman took a shot. I tried to dodge the bullet but it hit my shoulder. Then my memory is blank. When I woke up my shoulder was still bleeding but there were no fatal wounds.

I was tipped off by Paranoid Hyperboloid that The Gentleman was lurking around the Computer Laboratory. I eventually found him at the bottom of the stairs, from which the open-plan layout turns the first floor into a wonderful shooting gallery.

A wonderful shooting gallery, but perhaps not such a wonderful shooter. My bullets missed, and I decided to retreat into the depths of the Laboratory.

I waited outside Equinox's room occasionally hiding by the staircase to avoid the suspicion of his neighbours. I mustered the courage to knock on his door but there was no response.