The Assassins' Guild - Week 0 News

Wanted: An assassin

Task: Kill Fat Tony or Jean-Paul Carte

Conditions: You must knock on the door / a surface four times immediately before you kill them. Please provide an account of this in an artsy poem.

Reward: Up to 25 rounds of high quality ammo depending on the quality of the poem and four items of chocolate/biscuit/cake delivered to any address

First person to kill someone they have previously gone raiding with will win a dossier of information on (almost) all the other assassins playing.

You wanna get by in Toon Town, you wanna make it big, you gotta be a star. And you wanna be a star, you gotta put something serious into it. I will pay a box of chocolates to anyone and everyone who makes an attempt or a kill while dressed as Jessica Rabbit, and a batch of home baking to the best one. Photographic evidence, if you please. If you can pull off a kill, you'll also get a drink on me next time I see you at a social, and my eternal respect.

Greetings noble Assassins! I, Bart Schaf of Schaf-Co. have returned from my journeys to the dystopian future to bring you more bountiful Schaf-Brand Bount-Chievements! Now in partnership with ACME!

Bin There, Done That:
Hide in a bin. Then kill someone using your bin hiding skills.

Award for first completion: A free delivery service: A message, Ominous Note or Bullet delivered to a place and time of your choice (with varying efficiency)

It's High Noon:
Be unaware to a target until the first chime of noon starts ringing. Kill them before the last chime stops.

Award for first completion: A Cowboy Hat (potentially glittery). A Milky Bar

The Ultimate Disguise:
Disguise yourself AS your target whilst killing them.

[Umpires' Note: Please include a photo of your disguise if you attempt this one - We won't post it if you don't want, but we want to see it]

Award for first completion: A Super Secret (and Stylish) Home-made Clothing Accessory. The respect of Bart Schaf.

MUHAHAHAHA!

Greetings Foolish Citizens of Toon Town, and allow me to introduce myself: my name is PROFESSOR INCOMPETENT, Evil Mastermind! Together with my adorable sidekick Stitches the S.T.A.B., we shall take over the airwaves, and then THE WORLD.

How, you ask? Well Behold! Before you is the pinnacle of Incompetent Technology: The Assassin-inator 2000! With just a zap of this little device, anyone from the Friendliest Moomin to the Wackiest Racer will be filled with enough murderous intent that they will kill their fellow Toon, and those that survive, should they exist, will never be safe to be shown on television again, leaving every channel open for 'THE INCOMPETENT SHOW'!

And to those of you who think you may be strong enough to resist the power of the Assassin-inator, look around you. See all the faces, the Background Characters you wilfully ignore. See how they yearn to be noticed. See the hunger in their eyes. How far would each go to be the one to stop the Dastardly Professor Incompetent? And how many would be able to tell between myself, and a Toon helpfully labelled as 'Incompetent'?

Citizens, you have been warned. Welcome to the New Age of Toon Town.

Good Afternoon Toon Town and Welcome to today's Top Stories...

A speech by Mayor Quimby at the City Museum of Stuff, celebrating the anniversary since the return of the 'Unusually-Large' Diamond from the clutches of the dastardly Doctor Disqualified, was thrown into disarray this afternoon when a ray of unknown origin struck the Mayor in the chest.

Quimby was not harmed by this attack thanks to the fact that the UL Diamond had fallen into his jacket pocket during his previous tour of the museum. The ray instead refracted off the diamond, shining over the gathered crowd. Reports are still being gathered on the consequences of this, but here at AtBash News, we can only assume it will be significant.

An Eyewitness, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say:

'It -Hyuk- was in the front row. The light didn't hit me, but my pal [REDACTED]... Gawrsh, I've ain't never seen his eyes look so.... real. And the way he looked at those other guys... It scared me'

We hope more reports will follow. You've been watching AtBash News. Good Night Toon Town.

Thank you Quimby for making this so much easier. Everybody else get ready to KNEEL

Let the Games begin