The Assassins' Guild

[01:00 AM] An unexpected ambush by Sideshow Bob on Professor Incompetent goes even more unexpectedly when Alex Allen M.A. (Alex Allen) dies counter-ambushing

[15:00 PM] Light Yagami (Zoe Gyamfi) doesn't manage to get Robert the Construction Consultant's name as he installs a Spider into her back

[18:15 PM] Bumblebee Man didn't understand that bombs are illegal. Babriel Worp manages to survive this mistake

[20:20 PM] Me-Mow and RumHam learn the power of the culinary arts in protecting you from Assassins

[21:10 PM] Paranoid Hyperboloid efficiently wipes Bumblebee Man (Izzy Clancy) off the Wanted list even quicker than the Umpire expected

Sunday, 28 January

[00:45 AM] A Game of Cards turns to a Game of Death as Ori kills Shinigami (Indi Pritchard) for killing Sideshow Bob (Twm Stone)

[14:00 PM] Mysterious forces lead Eddie Valiant on a wild goose chase

[19:00 PM] It's delicious mutually assured destruction as Son Goten (Karen Sarmiento) and Patricia Buttlicker (Michael Collingwood)'s blades slide into each other

[22:30 PM] Sergent Chesterfield unloads his gun on Scooby and the Gang (David Horstmann) whilst they search for Scooby Snacks

Monday, 29 January

[09:30 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon, Wabbit and Private Snafu didn't count on 1123581321 not showing up

[10:05 AM] Victor Volt survives an attack by Kenneth, thanks to Professor Professor's OoB field on the lecture hall

[10:05 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon plays in Attack Position

[10:55 AM] Kenneth (James Rhodes) fumbles his knife, letting Victor Volt stab him in the chest

[17:30 PM] It's all downhill for Peak (Harry Rowlands) as his life ends at the hands of Paranoid Hyperboloid

[17:38 PM] With the help of The Gentleman, Bravo Oscar Bravo (Sajawall Nawaz) is Delta Echo Alfa Delta

Wednesday, 31 January

[08:50 AM] Plain, simple Garak's phaser is set to disintegrate, bringing aphex (Ella Comish) to a quick and painful end

[11:00 AM] Fat Tony takes exception to Celia Black (Emilie Colliar)'s 'survival choices'

[11:15 AM] Scooby and the Gang goes after the wrong Incompetent, killing Professor Incompetent's daughter

[11:55 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon seeks, but does not find

[17:00 PM] TheBSMouse diminishes the noble Phalange line, eliminating Regina phalange IV (Callum Farrow)

[18:47 PM] Scooby Doob and the Mystery Smang (Shyam Dhokia), kills eZfebreeze (Alex Lawrence), but then himself falls to Freakyzeaky

[22:20 PM] The Night of the Two Wanted. Scooby and the Gang get what they deserve. Kitty Shade survives another day.

Thursday, 1 February

[10:58 AM] Herb goes wanted for shooting Dodgy dentist in a lecture theatre (and neither seem to realise how wrong that is)

[13:00 PM] Looney-tic (Jen Atherton) is not paranoid enough to avoid Paranoid Hyperboloid

[14:08 PM] Caporal Blutch's luck is in as he dodges Dodgy dentist (Floss Willcocks), then takes his chances and kills her, to find she was indeed targeting him

[15:47 PM] Night Angel has a crack at the now lopsided but alive Mort

[21:36 PM] The house always wins, as Dirk Dwyer hustles The Names of Recent Players (Roddy MacSween) off the board

[23:00 PM] Max brings DOGS ARE TASTY (Faris Khan) to a Potassium filled end

Friday, 2 February

[09:00 AM] Kitty Shade (Hannah Price) should have stuck to the shadows, as The Girl with the Griffin Tattoo catches her fleeing

[11:00 AM] Bill Cipher tries to 'befriend' Paranoid Hyperboloid

[11:30 AM] Sardine suspects fishy business as he stakes out Equinox

[13:00 PM] Eddie Valiant finds unlikely help from His Lady-Friend, as they hunt the Wanted Herb (Jeevith Gnanakumaran)

[13:05 PM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon's hunt succeeds with the help of Bob the Destroyer and Lucia Konohana, smashing The man of glass (Oliver Bilbie) and gutting Plain, simple Garak (Thomas Adamson) at once

[13:32 PM] Carnage in the Canteen. Mr Plod is shamefully killed by Brian (Matt Alderton), only to be avenged by His Lady-Friend (Alexander (Alex) Hibbert) who is then ended by Courage the Cowardly Dog

[14:30 PM] Bob the Destroyer, alongside his companions Deadly Viper and Pikachu, attempts to kill both Jamal Ackland and Freakyzeaky, but does not succeed

[17:54 PM] Freakyzeaky (Fadi Zaki) got in the way as Fat Tony was 'Watering his Garden'

[23:20 PM] Paranoid Hyperboloid's Rampage continues and Regina Phalange the Third (Nairi Weston ) never gets to see her Friends again

Saturday, 3 February

[00:00 AM] The Incobash is Coming...

[10:30 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon and Private Snafu hunt again. It doesn't work

[13:00 PM] Francis of the Filth and Pink Guy try to make a meal of Hungry Alan

Monday, 5 February

[09:30 AM] Wabbit waylays Poppy (Aida Sanchez). Permanently.

[10:00 AM] Emile Ward turns around an attack by the pretender Ian Competent (Matthew (Matt) Hutton)

[11:00 AM] Top Cat (Anik Roy) falls victim to Killerheels

[13:30 PM] Praying Mantis turns around an attack by Gerry Adams (Jamie Brannigan ) and uses his murderous momentum to kill Martin McGuinness (George Barnard)

[17:00 PM] Paranoid Hyperboloid 'finds' the dead body of Jamal Ackland (Will Styles) behind an unlocked door

Tuesday, 6 February

[11:50 AM] Private Snafu publicly perforates rainbow coloured rainbows (Barnaby Medhurst)

[14:00 PM] Pikachu uses quick attack on Regina Phalange II (Holly Gimson), who is caught unawares (after forgetting she was playing...!)

[20:40 PM] Pink Guy happens across a shootout between Francis of the Filth and Mr Meeseeks, so sensibly kills Mr Meeseeks (Sam Sully)

[22:00 PM] Darkhorse (Shukri Abdullahi) is out of the race. Jean-Paul Carte rides on on a trail of blood

Wednesday, 7 February

[11:30 AM] Victor Volt uses his secret-est skills attempting to infiltrate Fat Tony's hideout

[14:00 PM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon brings Francis of the Filth some ramen... Or at least tries to

[14:10 PM] Bill Cipher watches the door to Night Angel's mind

[19:15 PM] Captain Redactor [REDACTED] [REDACTED]s Wabbit, but runs away before he can [REDACTED]

[23:00 PM] The Gentleman Hunts. Eddie Valiant Helps. Dirk Dwyer is relevant somehow.

Thursday, 8 February

[08:45 AM] Sebastian Melmoth (Molly O'Gorman) slips up and is butchered by Bozo

[13:32 PM] Yurio slips past the clutches of Night Angel

[18:40 PM] The Adventures of Pink Guy (Bovey Zheng) and Francis of the Filth (Michael Djali) will not be continuing, thanks to Private Snafu and Blue Eyes Toon Dragon

Friday, 9 February

[09:50 AM] Plinium, Eshassin and co. use the powers of Friendship, Teamwork and Guns to declassify Victor Volt (Paul Durbaba)

[11:59 AM] Kitty Kat kills Killerheels (Henrietta (Hennie) Coales) kwite konvincingly [Umpire's Note: Coming up with words beginning with K is hard]

[13:00 PM] Captain Redactor tries to find a Leaf, but only finds [REDACTED]

[15:40 PM] The Gentleman confronts Paranoid Hyperboloid about his Suspicious Undefined Behaviour

[17:17 PM] The Gentleman (Andrew Darby) spontaneously explodes in a black mushroom cloud of annihilation. Much shame, many sadness.

[17:30 PM] Sardine is yet to tip the scales in their favour in their hunt for Equinox

Saturday, 10 February

[00:00 AM] The Professor's Order

[14:00 PM] Hungry Alan doesn't like the inco list, so tries the wanted list, after shooting Dorian Grey while backstage preparing for a show

[14:20 PM] TheFourthKnock does a thing. An artsy thing.

[14:46 PM] Babriel Worp scrapes competency, after a short game of 'knockdown ginger' with a couple of incos

[14:50 PM] Robert the Construction Consultant privately bashes Equinox (Robert Morosanu)

[15:03 PM] Undefined Behaviour, Paranoid Hyperboloid, Me-Mow, and Night Angel, eventually assisted by The Names of Recent Players, go incobashing, unsuccessfully visiting Atletico, Mort, Poison Pi, Two Minions in a Trenchcoat, Babriel Worp, DisguisedToast, Hungry Alan and RumHam, ultimately killing BM (Bethan Morris). Phew.

[15:30 PM] Bayon the Bricklayer lays out Wacky Wanda (Friso de Graaf)

[16:00 PM] Eddie Valiant's investigations are ongoing

[16:14 PM] Yosemite Sam catches up with that varmint Meme Lord (Sherwood Lam)

[16:34 PM] Yosemite Sam 's luck is in, as Jimjam (James Andrews)'s luck runs out

[16:37 PM] Paranoid Hyperboloid causes BM (Bethan Morris) to BM as they realise the jig is up

[16:50 PM] TheFourthKnock does another artsy thing.

[16:55 PM] Mayor Quimby continues to ruin TheFourthKnock's artsy things

[17:00 PM] The Girl with the Griffin Tattoo goes hunting

[17:25 PM] Paranoid Hyperboloid bifurcates Two Minions in a Trenchcoat (Neal Patel)

[18:55 PM] TheFourthKnock goes wanted for killing RumHam at an ATM, and general artsy-ness

[19:15 PM] Ian Competent mortifies Mort (Finnian Robinson). And by mortifies, I mean kills.

[21:03 PM] Night Angel and Captain Redactor use [REDACTED] to extract Isoleucine (James Child)

Sunday, 11 February

[08:00 AM] Caporal Blutch encounters difficulties in his advance

[14:30 PM] Miss Macaroon (Cheryl Jiang) is taken down by Chief Wiggum (Coincidentally before she was killed again the next day)

[17:30 PM] He's Mr Meeseeks, and he killed Big Alano (Alana Cutland). Look at him!

[18:30 PM] Thanks to Bill Cipher, The Tasmanian Devil's Cousin Twice Removed, Tim (Joseph Luke Arthur Townsend) is now a lot more removed

Monday, 12 February

[08:45 AM] Dorian Grey cuts it fine whilst cutting down the corpse of Miss Macaroon (Cheryl Jiang) and Toon Loon (Josh Garfinkel)

[10:00 AM] Caporal Blutch's advance continues

[11:00 AM] Paranoid Hyperboloid (Leo Zlotnikov)'s Deadly Stardom is cut short by Arturo Fuey (David Lever)'s Deadly Star. Neither survive to appreciate this pun.

[12:00 PM] Robert the Construction Consultant evades the Dip. For now.

[13:00 PM] The only stomach emptier than that of Hungry Alan is that of Natalie (Lily Bao)

[13:00 PM] Kamille (Alex Janowska) should have felt the presence of Eric Cartman

[13:35 PM] Undefined Behaviour relies on faces past to find and kill Yurio (Ajay Ahir)

[15:00 PM] Ori spends all day hunting a dead man

[16:00 PM] Bozo butchers the non-living bones of Natalie

[18:30 PM] All leaves eventually fall. This Leaf (Evgeny Slavin) was aided by Cop Rick into doing it a lot sooner than he expected

[20:55 PM] Paranoid Hyperboloid kills Merlin (Ollie Evans). 404 error; pun not found.

[21:06 PM] Pikachu disobeys its trainer

[22:30 PM] Caporal Blutch efficiently erases Kiwi Dachshund (Julia Wiener), and Regina Phalange I (Nikki Eames)

[22:44 PM] Poison Pi sees all the murderising that Paranoid Hyperboloid has been getting up to, and decides to try it on him, without due cause

Tuesday, 13 February

[10:00 AM] Wabbit proves once and for all that it is not 'Rabbit Season', killing Me-Mow (Rebecca Harris) and Praying Mantis (Joe Jollans)

[10:00 AM] Robert the Construction Consultant evades the Dip again.

[11:00 AM] Pikachu's snacktime goes wrong... for Mooman (Josh Cowley)

[16:40 PM] Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A... Nope, that's not bringing Super-Nintendo Chalmers (Dylan Phelps) back from stabbing at the hands of Jean-Paul Carte

[16:50 PM] Atletico (Dan Wakefield) shouldn't have had that Poison Pi

Wednesday, 14 February

[11:00 AM] Captain Redactor fails again to [REDACTED] Wabbit

[12:00 PM] Private Snafu AKA the Dip (Avigail Ben-Gad) diced too close with death, dismembering 1123581321 (Zsuzsanna Baran (Zsuzsa)), but not dodging Dirk Dwyer

[14:15 PM] Harry Pence (Anthony Lim) did not suspect all that Undefined Behaviour

[15:30 PM] Conforming to industry standards, Bayon the Bricklayer is two days late reporting the death of Luminous Badger (Alex Smallwood)

Thursday, 15 February

[10:30 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon and Poison Pi avenge a the fallen Private Snafu, killing Dirk Dwyer (Joseph Saxby)

[11:00 AM] Leads turn cold for Eddie Valiant

[18:15 PM] Hungry Alan was hungry for Max's (Max Cooper-Clark's) blood. And a nicer porkchop.

[21:00 PM] Pikachu and Deadly Viper use Quick Attack! It's not very effective...

Friday, 16 February

[10:15 AM] DisguisedToast (Vincent Proud) is toast, thanks to Poison Pi's luck

[12:05 PM] Kitty Kat and Pusheen discuss their recent lack of success

Saturday, 17 February

[00:00 AM] Gaaaa Ga Gan Gnaa Ganaa Gaa Gna Ga!

[11:30 AM] Bill Cipher underestimates Blue Eyes Toon Dragon's Willpower

[12:05 PM] Artsiness, with a Point. By TheFourthKnock feat. Emile Ward (Ward Van Der Schoot)

[12:15 PM] Pointless Art. By TheFourthKnock feat. an absence of Jean-Paul Carte

[16:40 PM] Green Text Guy types in Maroon? Maybe? What colour IS that?

[18:10 PM] The Terrible Twosome Paranoid Hyperboloid and Undefined Behaviour treat TheBSMouse (Max Williamson) and Jason Funderburker (Tim Jepsen) to terrible tragedy

Monday, 19 February

[09:00 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon, The Girl with the Griffin Tattoo, Jean-Paul Carte. Two hunters, and a hunted

[11:00 AM] A Mysterious Stranger who looks remarkably similar to Professor Incompetent deems Courage the Cowardly Dog (Daniel Chiverton) 'armless as Yosemite Sam disappears into a lecture theatre

[19:00 PM] Bozo enters realms unknown in search of Babriel Worp

[22:45 PM] RumHam (Seb Shuttleworth) shows Bozo their true colours. Bozo shows RumHam a knife.

Tuesday, 20 February

[13:00 PM] Kitty Kat and Pusheen recount an alarming encounter

[14:30 PM] Bill Cipher unknowingly escapes Captain Redactor

[23:00 PM] Bayon the Bricklayer performs acquires a 'business advantage' over the illicit Robert the Construction Consultant AKA Green Text Guy (Alex Craggs)

Wednesday, 21 February

[10:55 AM] Run as fast as you can Ori (Clara Ding), but you won't outrun him. He's The Gingerbread Man

[13:00 PM] Kitty Kat encounters the nemesis of all Assassins: A Locked Door

[13:35 PM] Doors. Night Angel does not see the point

[14:30 PM] Bill Cipher knowingly escapes Captain Redactor

[16:25 PM] Sergent Chesterfield (Kanyi Tochukwu Joshua Onuora) is no longer incompetent. On accounts of being dead at the hands of Paranoid Hyperboloid

[22:55 PM] Hatman avenges himself from another life, killing the Wanted Mr_Pizza AKA Bayon the Bricklayer (Jaehyeon Kim)

Thursday, 22 February

[22:40 PM] The Portrait of Dorian Grey (Adam Reeves) lies torn. Paranoid Hyperboloid's gun is to blame

[23:30 PM] The Mystery of the Double Death is over: Plinium (Al Kanavos) and Clarissa Moon (Zoe Cavendish) were each the other's victim

[23:55 PM] Inco cannibalism strikes, as Twitch eliminates Hungry Alan (Will Harvey-Powell) for their own redemption, with the help of Officer Jenny, Gentleman's Vengeance, and Eddie Valiant

Friday, 23 February

[11:05 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon should have looked up to see Night Angel

[22:30 PM] Babriel Worp escapes the clutches of the deadly baby Maggie Simpson

Saturday, 24 February

[00:00 AM] Stitches the S.T.A.B. ensures that Professor Incompetent (Alastair Haig) is no more

[12:05 PM] TheFourthKnock attempts to subdue Fat Tony and Jean-Paul Carte by power of artsiness alone

[18:30 PM] TheFourthKnock (Colin Kaljee) is betrayed by Ramona. And to celebrate: ART

[19:30 PM] "A Posthumous Commentary on the Works of TheFourthKnock" presented by Fat Tony

Sunday, 25 February

[14:30 PM] Mojo Jojo rushes to fill the void of power, bursting onto the scene by killing The Girl with the Griffin Tattoo, Bob the Destroyer and Clarissa Moon. Or at least that's what he planned.

[15:00 PM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon's attempts Drag-On through a College of Death

Monday, 26 February

[10:00 AM] Fat Tony kills the innocent behind the wrong door

[10:50 AM] An unplanned alliance of Poison Pi and Paranoid Hyperboloid ends with the dying whales of Babriel Worp (Paul wernicke)

[11:00 AM] Forces are closing in on Eddie Valiant

[16:15 PM] Bozo finally finds redemption in the bloody wounds of Kitty Kat (Sarah Racicot )

[19:00 PM] Bob the Destroyer hunts the corpse of Clarissa Moon

[23:00 PM] Help isn't there for Eddie Valiant

Tuesday, 27 February

[08:30 AM] Eshassin curses the implacability of assassins

[19:30 PM] Night Angel goes Wabbit hunting

[21:00 PM] Eddie Valiant learns: To catch fishy suspect, you gotta play fishy. Sardine (Shivam Sheth) does not survive

Wednesday, 28 February

[10:55 AM] The Gingerbread Man won't be winning the Bake Off if Jean-Paul Carte (David Levi) has anything to say about it...

[11:00 AM] Stabbity Rabbity does... Something?

[14:32 PM] Blood on the Snow: Night Angel (Povilas Slekys) freezes from the blade of Undefined Behaviour

[15:00 PM] Stabbity Rabbity continues to do things

Thursday, 1 March

[15:30 PM] Rabbity Stabbity Ganna Ganaa Gan Gnna Gaa Gan Gana Gaa Gaaa Ga Gaaa!

Friday, 2 March

[11:50 AM] Pikachu and Stabbity Rabbity... Well it seems something happened regarding Caporal Blutch at least

[15:43 PM] All that Caporal Blutch finds is a lack of success

[18:19 PM] Undefined Behaviour (Joe Malt) and Poison Pi AKA Maggie Simpson (Natarnya Walcott-Burton) engage in reciprocal stabbage

[21:30 PM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon and Bob the Destroyer do not fear Reaper; they just can't find him

[21:30 PM] Eddie Valiant is in deep, killing Yosemite Sam AKA Mojo Jojo (Abdul Hadi Khan) as he makes his escape

[23:15 PM] The Girl with the Griffin Tattoo does not mince words, but does mince Reaper (Vamsee Bheemireddy)

Saturday, 3 March

[00:00 AM] A message from Inco-Labs

[12:00 PM] Jargon (Esha Dasgupta) dies of not being alive anymore

Monday, 5 March

[09:10 AM] It's the end of the road for Eddie Valiant AKA Stabbity Rabbity (Sinead Foley). Wabbit bounces past into the distance

Thursday, 8 March

[12:00 PM] Wabbit AKA Ramona AKA Rabbity Stabbity (Nicholas Heitler) risks leaving his hole for one last time. Twitch took the right turn at Albuquerque to cut him off and cut him up

Friday, 9 March

[12:00 PM] The Police War begins: Stabbity Rabbity gets Rabbity Stabbed by Officer Jenny

[12:30 PM] Deadly Viper (Tanzina Zaman) mimics the death throes of the game, courtesy of The Girl with the Griffin Tattoo

[16:00 PM] Stabbity Rabbity respawns and Rabbity Stabs Officer Jenny

Saturday, 10 March

[00:00 AM] Silence in Toon Town

[13:30 PM] The Police War continues, with the bloody corpse of Paranoid Hyperboloid at the feet of Mr Meeseeks

The Assassins' Guild - Headlines

Wednesday, 10 January

Tuesday, 16 January

Friday, 26 January

Saturday, 27 January