The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

I have just killed my target, Aaron Domnoob. Being my first kill, I was naturally nervous as I waited outside the [UNSPECIFIED FACULTY] for him to arrive at his lecture. I saw many faces pass me, but none were like what I'd seen on facebook at 2am this morning. Then, as it neared 11:30 and all hope appeared lost, I caught sight of him in a reflection. As he was entering the faculty building through the door, I called out his name to be sure I wasn't about to murder an innocent. As he turned towards me I raised the syringe, jabbed it where a week of medical lectures have taught me the cephalic vein runs, and depressed the plunger. My target had been injected with a very high dose of potassium chloride. It stopped his heart beating within seconds, and very soon after that he was lying collapsed on the floor unmoving. I meanwhile, had already melted away...

Love,

Soggy from Capitalism

At 12:30 someone knocked on my door, and seeing someone whom I did not recognise I asked 'Who's there?', this being the standard protocol when a wierdo knocks on your door. The response of 'No-one' lead me to garb a weapon, by which time my bungling assailant was, to use the term, legging it.

RunningScared, signing out.

Got into target's staircase. Learned that, when knocking on target's door, "ERM, no-one?' Is not a good response to 'who is it?'. Ended up fleeing comically. Target was RunningScared. I should probably get a better strategy in future...

After being reminded of my own life's brevity I decided to try and make my mark on this world by the assassination of The Weighted Companion Cube, however, upon arriving at his area of residence I was foiled by the sheer number of card-only doors, even the manipulation of others to gain entry failed as door after door would not open, not even if I ran into them...

Ezio Auditore da Firenze has mercilessly plunged a knife into the abdomen of his target Kim Jong KNEEL!, whom he strategically waited for outside [UNSPECIFIED] bathrooms.

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

After many minutes of careful reconnaissance, using a roasting tray to conceal my deadly intent, I tracked the target to his staircase. Being too risky to follow him in directly, I retreated, confirmed his identity in my lair, and duplicitously enlisted the help of his college father to give me the chance that I needed. After marching him to Sir Churchill's room, I waited while his father, who was all but in tears at what he had to do, knocked on his door. Upon opening the door, his father said "I'm sorry Sir Churchill." and stepped aside. Striding forward from around a corner, I shot him in the throat with a Nerf Jolt to end his life silently. There were no other witnesses, the father has fled the country, and I now plan my next kill.

Uneventful attempt today: At 5:15 I went looking for my first target, Silver Snake, successfully found their room after much wandering around [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] but didn't find them (I realized I had no plan, so knocking on their door would have just made things worse.) I was fully armed and prepared to get them if I saw them though.

I seeked out the target's den and late at night made an attempt on his life. At 9.18 I knocked on the door to his lair with my killer orange at the ready. However, the coward, upon spying my face through his peeping hole, barricaded himself in his room and would not come out. Eventually I gave up the attempt for today.

The first of my would-be killers has evaded the cunning distractions leading to my door! Truly an investigator of Holmesian skill, this nefarious rogue was nevertheless thwarted by my sturdy portal, and sent on her way with a few stinging bon mots in her ears.

Upon returning to my own hideout this same night at 9.45, I passed the den of a fellow assassin, The Captain, whilst still holding my chosen weapon of the killer orange (about to eat it). Although my intentions were not hostile, The Captain mistook them for an attempt on his life, as my weapon was still in plain sight. He fired a gun at me, but missed. My lightning reflexes kicked in and I threw the orange in self defence, but also missed. After these two attempts we made a truce and all was peaceful once more.

Captain's Log Stardate 66261.8

Strange phenomenon encountered this evening in the Hyperspace Corridor. First contact made with a seemingly hostile species, designated Swishy. The being charged weapons, and I was forced to discharge the main phaser array in a pre-emptive shot, which missed due to the hostile's advanced defensive reflexes. Counter-attack similarly failed, and I can report that all ship's systems remain in perfect functioning order.

Post-hostilities analysis revealed the lack of hostile intent on the part of the alien Swishy, and a truce was swiftly negotiated. We hope that future interactions will bring great benefits to both our peoples.

Captain out.

KILLED: King of Carrot Flowers inside his room at about 10:50 - killed by 'LifeAndSoul' A light-dagger (kinda like a lightsabre) was used. As he tried to take cover behind the door, I swung round the rim of the door and stabbed my victim in the neck. The victim futily attempted to shoot his assassin, yet was too late - the deed had already been done.

After some skillful research I placed myself in the position to mount a double kill and master the Assassins' Guild. Springing from the shadows I quietly slipped a blade between CocoaBeanExpress's ribs while soothing him with shhh's to his death. Moments later, James Hutt, an assassin who had dared to lay a finger on my door appeared, and, taking my chance,I stabbed him too. However, my triumph quickly turned to horror as I realised I was engaging with an animated corpse. In my horror of this shocking spectacle I ran from the scene with hideous visions of what this zombie might do with the body of CocoaBeanExpress, whose blood was now pooling over the pavement.

10.15 Batman was assassinated by poison blow dart, in her doorway in [UNSPECIFIED LOCATION]. She was suspicious and tried to preemptive strike with a pencil knife, but I was too quick for her.

By means of consulting the fabled Book of Faces and other tools of the arcane, I have divined the face and partial schedule of my target, Keyser Soze. Fortuitous coincidence allowed us to simultaneously be in the same location upon this day, the 18th of October, but sadly I was unable to pick him out from the crowd. I ascribe my failure to an unlucky combination of the existence of more doors than anticipated, my pressing need to be elsewhere shortly, and my sadly abysmal facial recognition skills.

- The Egregious Eidolon

This is failure #2, if I don't stop numbering them soon and somehow stay alive, this could get depressing... Having failed miserably yesterday I consoled myself with the fact that I do in fact have 2 other targets, so I sharpened my knife and my wits and journeyed towards the black heart of Cambridge. Murder was in my brain all throughout somewhat dull lectures and so when I came to my target's college, my wits were somewhere else. After slight inconvenience with the Porters, I was in, and no more irritating card key puzzles this time! I snuck up to the room I required, checking every corner, slipping into every shadow. but when I knocked there was no noise or reply of any form...so being not equipped to deal with soundless foes I ran away, scared. Although it was 12:41 so they were probably eating lunch rather than were a supernatural being of some sort but the latter sounds better. Pehaps its now time to lie low for a few days.

Deciding that it was high time I got round to bumping someone off, I boldly approached my target's door with my cover story all worked out. I knocked twice, but got no response. Were they out? Or merely hiding? I took advantage of a nearby spot with a clear view of the staircase, doing my example sheets like a studious assassin while waiting for any sign of my target. After half an hour of mental gymnastics, the target appeared, leaving the building! A quick pursuit ended when they stopped to greet a friend - calling their name to confirm their identity, I slid my knife from its sheath, pivoted on the ball of my foot and thrust viciously underneath their armpit while their friend looked on in shock. I made good my escape while the friend attempted to stem the fatal flow of blood from my target's axillary artery...

Captain's Log, Stardate 661281.9

Set a course for the homeworld of target Horribly slow murderer. After an initial failure to locate the planet at the designated co-ordinates, I went on a search of the entire college system. My faith in my starfleet training was restored upon the discovery that [UNSPECIFIED STAIRCASE] is not in the orbit of [UNSPECIFIED COURT], and that none of the starcase room numbers go nearly as high as [UNSPECIFIED NUMBER].

Either the co-ordinates I was given are accidentally inaccurate, or some more sinister deception is at play. Personally, I suspect the Ferengi...

The captain out.

A poorly planned attempt, bloodthirsty from the last kill, I rushed to find and shoot Smaug. Having asked a stranger who happened to be on his staircase if she knew him, my accomplice and I entered, looked awkward, waited in the kitchen, missed a chance as he came into the staircase, then followed him to his room, where we knocked and I shot him at close range. With his dying thrash, he wounded my hand with a deadly magazine, only to reveal that he was in fact already dead.

Murdered Chainspoon in cold blood with a banana gun, at about 17:45 18th October. He was killed in a corridor of [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]. He will be missed.

On the night of the 18th October at around 6.30pm, I was working at my desk when a rattle of the doorknob alerted me to someone trying to enter my room - an assassin. I goose-stepped over to collect my weaponry, and as I bunny-hopped to the door to accost the intruder, a knock was heard and my neighbour told me that me the assassin had left. Next time I shall use a quicker method of perambulation!

My cunning 'student' disguise admitted me entrance to [COLLEGE REDACTED]. Unfortunately, my target had planned for the ruse and was lurking elsewhere.

Next time, TheWatchingEye... Next time...

Tonight I killed again. It is getting strangely...addictive. I gained access to [UNSPECIFIED LOCATION] thanks to my source on the inside who had provided me with a wealth of information on my target. (Thanks, btw! It was lovely to see you, and I'm glad you're doing well!) My target was part of a group in someone's room just about to watch Sherlock when I arrived and was introduced by my inside man. I made polite conversation while I drew my knife and then, with a smooth motion, learned over and stabbed him through where a week of medical lectures have taught me the beaty thing that shoots blood around your body lives. The shock on his face was evident as he sunk back into his chair and breathed his last. All I know is, a man who does not like Jaffa Cakes gets what he deserves.

Soggy from Capitalism, out.

Knocked on her door and after questions like 'who is it??' which were ignored and not answered my target still opened the door. I shot her with an awesome banana-gun, even if I do say so myself, and I'm sure there was a slight scream.

A close call: this evening someone tried to kill me. When asked whether my name was ... I naively replied yes. I was promptly informed "I'm here to kill you" and the assassin unleashed a volley of radioactive shruikens. After a brief pursuit I escaped the assassin and hid in [UNSPECIFIED LOCATION]. Fortunately, whilst returning to college I was able purchase a set of throwing knifes, which I used to dispatch the waiting assassin. Must be better prepared in future.

18th October 21:00 Whilst peacefully procrastinating in my room I heard my 'friend' in the corridor. He knocked and invited me to tea across the hall but I was deeply suspicious - the tone of his voice gave away his anxiety at betraying me. I called that I'd be out in a minute and grabbed a gun, thinking that perhaps I could kill any lurking assassins. As soon as I opened the door a masked ninja ran out from the room across the hall and fired at me! He missed and I slammed the door before he could fire again, but not having killed my would-be murderer I was no better off than if I had kept the door shut.

18th October, 8:30pm: Attempted assault on Moth ball. Address given by target false, belonging to a person of a different name.

18th October: 8:42pm: Esmeralda Hawkinson is slain by The Pootis Mystique. Stabbed once in the chest. Apologies made to corpse immediately after.

18th October: 9:08pm: The Pootis Mystique assumes false identity and claims to be looking for an 'Adrian'. In the confusion he slays Canterbury, stabbed once in the torso.

I knocked on Chinese throwing stars's door at approximately 8:20, but there was no answer, preventing my axe from tasting sweet first blood. I attempted to track down Jaqen at [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] at 9, however natives discovered my intent to cleave his head from his body, and so I left with my accomplice by 9:40. RedcoatAxemurderer

This night I happened to spot The Pain, one of my targets, in an ale establishment. Not wanting to kill an innocent and not being quite sure whether it was indeed my target, I sent out a scout to find out about him. At 11.15, upon hearing from my scout that I had spotted the right person, I charged into said alehouse and shot my target straight in the chest. He died instantly.

A hoodlum arrives outside my door wishing to make my acquaintance. Says he's a computer scientist from around the way. Even gives me a room number for where he is supposedly staying.

Persisting for an desperately long time, I call my friends as backup to come and club the guy with a baseball bat, but they arrive too late. He vanishes. However, not 10 minutes later, he returns armed with two other thugs. However, I have already anticipated this and now proceed to waste his time (I have nothing to do since I'm a third year) until he finally relents and slips back into the underworld from which he came.

Dr. Dre

This morning I, the great and impressive Godfrey, gracefully assassinated a certain Your Mother's Lover just outside [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] after our [UNSPECIFIED LECTURES] - it involved my accomplice [UNSPECIFED NON-PLAYER] who helpfully shouted his name and slowed him down for me. I then proceeded to stab him in the kidneys rather viciously with a knife cunningly disguised as an unassuming piece of stationary (a pen). I then legged it across the road and was almost hit by a car and several oblivious cyclists. Luckily I escaped with no damage done, but the same cannot be said for Your Mother's Lover All of this occurred at approximately 11:00am today.

Regards,

Godfrey

I have killed moanie at 11:10 after she left her morning lecture. It was done with a ceremonial dagger and a vicious shout of "Ha! You are dead".

Shorty.

Today I had my first attempt at a kill. The victim: Marwood. I stood waiting outside the lecture theatre looking for a glimpse of my victim. Other students began to appear from within but Marwood was not among them. I wondered, could I have missed her? It started to rain. I then realised my mistake, the theatre had two exits and my target must have left through the other one. Another time...

Going into my [UNSPECIFIED LECTURE] at 12:00 today (friday the 19th), I happened to see Peter Rabbit sitting down on the far side of the [UNSPECIFIED LECTURE THEATRE]. Obviously I couldn't make an attempt on his life there, but I decided to follow him as he left.

The lecture finished at 12:55 but, unfortunately, Peter Rabbit left through an exit at the back of the lecture theatre on his side. There was no way I could follow him through it as had been my original plan. I then left through the nearest exit and run round the building in order to catch him.

As he was passing the [UNSPECIFIED DEPARTMENT], I caught up with him, confirmed his name and college before stabbing him with a knife at 13:00.

Set out with the intention of bagging as many of my targets as I could in one afternoon. First was clumsy ferret due to their proximity, however with no answer to my buzzing their doorbell, I resolved to continue onwards, assuming that as it was 14.11, they were probably out. Whilst passing [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], I searched for an entrance which did not have 'Entrance closed' by it, having failed in this attempt I continued onwards allowing Snuffles to rest easy for now. Finally, at 14.50, I arrived at the house of one tacticallemon, however my attempts to convince him that I was an innocent deliveryman failed and I was forced to withdraw. All in all, a most disappointing afternoon even without counting the soaking I received on my return to college.

Someone came to my home under the pretence of being a deliveryman. I wasn't convinced, but tried to get them to wait for me to come up. Fortunately for them, I wasn't very convincing either, and by the time I got to their position they had long since scarpered.

Good evening, friends. The name's Frank Fontaine and I have seen Paradise.

I originally only sought presence in that so-called utopia that some called Rapture for...*cough*...monetary reasons. And not the legal kind. Yes, I'm a grifter. A conman, if you will. But Rapture was not the paradise that I experienced - it was what could be found within Rapture.

ADAM. Oh, sweet nectar of the gods.

After I claimed Rapture for my own and erased Andrew Ryan from existence by manipulating his own child, I had thought that the fight was over. That I had won. That the ADAM was mine. But that goddamn twerp had other ideas. I was forced to the surface, but I was still empowered by the abilities that ADAM gave me. Unable to claim my revenge, my rage carried me to attack others that had wronged me throughout my past.

The first was a scientist, named Krem-Fresh. Good education from a top school and hard working. I had thought that she would have been able to synthesise ADAM from my own genes. But she failed. Worse than that, unbeknownst to me, she also had links with the military in her youth, so she attempted to have me taken in. But now vengeance would be mine. I had felt sure that that someone of her calibre would be at her desk in her room, morning and night. With some skulduggery, I managed to gain access to her door at about 4:30. I suppressed the thrill of the chase with the knowledge that she was still a dangerous woman. I knocked but there was no answer. I shouted but no response was heard. I slunk away, unimpressed.

But there is no doubt that she got my message.

On the 19th I narrowly avoided death. My assassin came to my dorm but luckily I was away. He/She left a note reading: 'Next time, you won't survive' on my door.

A wild SQUIRTLE appeared! The SQUIRTLE used withdraw. It withdrew into its shell. The SQUIRTLE ran away!

This rainy afternoon (about 5.00pm) , I wandered over to my target Squirtle's college, accompanied by a civilian accomplice and was easily able to locate his staircase. I left my accomplice as lookout and quickly ascended and proceeded to his room, heavily armed, but received no answer upon knocking. However, just seconds later, a civilian appeared, and, whilst heading toward another room, saw me. He asked if I was looking for Squirtle and I replied yes, but I was leaving as it appeared he was not in. He kindly offered to leave Squirtle a message, so to avoid suspicion I gave him a fake name and left. I left, hoping to stake out the room from a reasonable distance, possibly the bar, however, as I returned to my accomplice I was greeted by an enthusiastic "Did you get him?". "What?" I replied. -"that was him! Just now."

It appears that unlike me my accomplice was able to get a positive ID on my target, by, simply, asking his name. Upon realising that I had been totally outsmarted by my target, who was probably defenceless, but had thought fast and fooled me by making as if he was living in some other room, and feeling very incompetent, we decided to scram.

17:50 Ezio was puzzled on reaching the obscured entrance to [UNSPECIFIED HOSTEL], armed with a smorgasbord of his favourite knives. The strange contraption on the wall coldly rejected his attempts at entrance, with the flash of a demonic red eye.

Nevertheless, a true resident - an unwitting accomplice - happened to be returning. She kindly held the door for him, but Ezio's target was not in his camera da letto. After returning half an hour later, Ezio ambushed his target, who was leaving to see suo amico across the corridoio.

Requiescat in pace.

Having failed to kill my target, The Pain, upon my first attempt, I was determined to finish the job today. At 18.00 I lured my target into a trap outside the post room of [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] and waited for him with my allied fellow assassin The Captain. The Pain had fallen for my clever trap and didn't even see me as he passed by. I took my chance and fired six shots at him from The Captain's gun, which he had kindly lent me, injuring The Pain fatally. To make sure I had finished the job this time, I also stabbed him in the stomach for good measure. He is now most certainly dead!

Captain's Log, Stardate 66266.9

I received orders today from Starfleet Command to conduct a joint mission with new-found ally, Swishy. They had previously destroyed an enemy ship, The Pain, in an encounter at an alcohol refuelling depot, but some mysterious, all-powerful entity (probably the being known as 'Q') had undone the previous events in a strange warping of the space-time continuum.

Lending my superior Federation firepower to Swishy, we set a course for a location in the [UNSPECIFIED] binary system which secret intelligence had reliably informed us would be where we could successfully ambush Swishy's nemesis.

The mission was extremely successful and no hands were lost among the allies. Swishy's upgraded weapon's technology proved to be more than a match for the enemy's attempts to flee, and the final coup de grace ensured that no-one, no matter how powerful, will bring The Pain back this time. The galaxy has been made a safer place.

Captain, out.

At around 6.30 pm, an assassin arrived once more at our residence. She came with a high-pitched voice and a well-worn excuse, "Give me back my lecture notes". She called herself Sam. There were three of us in our fortress, one was an innocent. So we concocted a devilish plan. The innocent would wait in plain view of the assassin. The other two would be hidden, one behind the door and the other within throwing distance.

It was flawless. But then it wasn't. Cat_Killer9952 opened the door and for a few seconds nothing happened. Then suddenly this picturesque ninja armed with mask, ninja stars and pistol swung around the door, loudly murdering Cat_Killer9952, the target and declaring her victory. However, though I was too late to stop the murderer, I quickly took revenge by throwing the entire moon at her.

Thus, my roommate murdered and his murderer avenged. Conversation and introductions then ensued as the dead got to know one each other.

The moon is watching.

I decided to take a wander over to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] to make an attempt on the life of kimbo. On the way, I spotted someone who looked remarkably like him... and made the (not actually) fatal error of not closing with my target before calling his name. I did, he answered, and after trying to improvise a cover story that might lead to a stranger calling his name late at night, I grabbed for a knife and threw as he drew his. Unfortunately, I was informed I only hit an arm, and after a brief exchange of blows he legged it. I might have been able to catch him (encumbered as he was with a crate of a fine beverage) but my phone flew from my pocket after a couple of strides. Muttering obscenities, I nursed my bruised pride as I wended my way homeward, looking long and hard at each shadow I passed...

Someone made an attempt on my life, I do not know their name as I was too busy escaping to ask... It was a man, and the threw some throwing knives, one missed entirely, and the other hit my left arm (which was not used again during the encounter), after which I then escaped!

Weary from a hard day's pickpocketing, I returned to my staircase this evening on one of my bi-annual laundry errands to find two gentlemen entering who I did not recognise. This struck me as slightly odd at such an hour, but I thought no more of it, and strolled straight past them. Reaching my death-lair, however, I felt that something may be out of place. As a precautionary measure, I bolted my door firmly, and fetched my backup knife from its cunning position under my pillow (two knives, I reasoned, being better than one).

Just as I had suspected, mere moments later the handle shook as somebody attempted to invade my den. Silent as an assassinated mouse, I crept to the door and listened at the crack. I heard nothing for a moment, and then soft footsteps back down the hallway. Turning out the lights so I couldn't be seen, I peered out of the window into the court to try to get a look at my would-be assailant's face as he left.

After waiting for almost a full minute, I grew uneasy once more. As I gripped both knives firmly, a sharp knock was heard at the door, taking me by surprise.

"Who is it?" I asked, cunningly. "Your assassin!" Came the equally cryptic reply. Continuing my ruthless enquiry, I shot back: "AHA! Well, what makes you think I'm going to let you in?" Stumped by my flawless logical argument, he faltered. "Well, maybe another time then.." came his lacklustre riposte.

I heard him once again retreat down the hallway, and watched the back of his malicious head leave across the court, accomplice in tow. I continue to lie in wait for their return.

Yours, The Artful Bodger.

An accomplice and I went to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] to try and get The Artful Bodger. We think we may have narrowly missed him, but alas he was too paranoid to open his door. We weren't exactly subtle though.

At 9am today (saturday the 20th), whilst discussing the game, I accidentally let it slip that Donatello was a target of mine. It turns out that the person I was discussing it with is a friend of his!

Worried that she'd go and warn him, as soon as my lecture had finished, I grabbed my bike and cycled over to his room to try and draw him out before the warning could reach him.

I arrived only just in front of her though and, by the time I'd found my target's staircase (10:05) she was there to stop me if I tried to kill him. I knocked on his door anyway, hoping I could still kill him and escape with my life, but it turned out he wasn't in.

On my way back to college, I ran into a friend who happens to go to the same college as one of my targets. Not knowing the route to the college well, I decided to follow him to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE].

Once there, I located my target's room and knocked. He didn't open the door immediately, but when I asked him to let me in please, he opened up before I opened his guts up onto the floor with my knife.

Struk Patel is no more.

Thinking that it would be a poor show to have made attempts on two of my targets but not the third, I decided to pop into [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] to try and kill Swishy.

Unfortunately I had misremembered the map of [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] from the university website and so was unable to find the court. I kept looking until about 10:35 before leaving.

Sheer ineptitude had established me as a failure of an assassin, i had failed to gain entry, and failed to locate a target. However, utilising a miserable failure as cunning reconnaissance I slipped back into [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], utilising information gained from an unsuspecting student of my own college to assure myself that the target Apple Pie Attack would indeed be in her room. Thus I retraced my steps of the previous attempt, pausing to listen when I heard a door open. Could it be a devilish trap? I snuck through to find that all the doors in the area were open, possibly to allow fellow students to rush to her aid if attacked. Alas they were not that well prepared and the naivety of removing the only barrier for an assassin allowed a quick confirmation of name and a swift thrust to the heart with my knife. Being unarmed except for supervision work (which can make even the best assassin weep I will admit) no defense could be made. But no! I realised too late that my knife was made of cardboard and so could not harm. But as the old saying goes, 'Its the thought that counts' and the thought of having been stabbed killed her as well as any true weapon. As she lay mortally wounded she expressed disappointment and asked desperately 'are you on your rounds?', hoping that she had fallen to a master assassin and so no blame could be attributed. However, as I responded, it was convenience, a simple job, close to one of my routes back to my lair, and she died knowing that she had fallen to the lazy coward RunningScared.

PS: I have just realised I didn't convey my humblest apologies to my target, it (possibly) was not here fault she had a price on her head.

Zampano came to my house and rang the buzzer, needless to say I did not simply let him in, but one of my house mates foolishly did. I went down to check it out, and he had just entered the door, but luckily theres an easy place to block him, after a short impasse, and a brief break (to let my housemate reach his room unhindered), he missed with his knives and i rushed him, stabbing him in the chest! serves him right for attempting my life not just once, but twice!

Together with my trusty accomplice, I sought my target Shorty at his college. After a long walk, and using several subterfuges to gain access to his staircase, we managed to reach his door. We underestimated his cunning, though, and he saw through our crafty disguise and denied us access. I believe his words after his uncovering of us were "Do you think I am so gullible".

We then tried to make amends for this failure by making an attempt on the life of Fluffi. We gained access to his college, but perhaps a guilty conscience for his misdeeds led him to escape his room and hide (or perhaps he was out for lunch).

We then gave up, and returned to our College. But be warned, ye mortals: we are after you, and your days are numbered.

Today two nefarious assassins (one called The Commander) made an attempt on my life. I was in a weakened state after a bike crash and do chose not to open the door to do battle. Instead I ridiculed them for their pathetic ruse of a survey, and crawled back to bed to feel sorry for myself.

On 20th October, sometime around 4.30pm, I was cantering past [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] when I thought I would check up on one of my targets, Lord Downey. I found his hideout after some searching, but he did not appear to be in. I shall return another day.

Angered by the radicalism and rabble-rousing of the foul Jacobin mob, I, Charlotte Corday, a mere girl from the rural north, set off into the heart of the great city of Cambridge, the fires of righteousness burning within me, to assassinate that most foul of Jacobin tyrants, Laser John.

I set out from my lodgings armed only with a small dagger, easily concealed within my clothing, and made my way through the bustling metropolis to [LYCEE LOUIS LE GRAND], where I hoped to catch my target unawares. On arriving at his lodgings, I was almost deterred by his cunning ruse of having switched the in/out indicator by the door to indicate his absence, but something urged me to continue. Alert for any sign of being discovered, I advanced up a number of flights of stairs, and located Laser John's room. The sound of music from within alerted me to the presence of the detestable Jacobin within.

Concealing my weapon within my reticule, I knocked at the door, ready to flee if my victim attempted any form of defence. Such measures were unnecessary. He opened the door, unsuspecting, and, on confirming his identity, I proceeded to stab the victim viciously in the chest. As his filthy radical blood pooled on the floor around him, Laser John's final words were to express his anger at his own foolishness in opening the door.

Following my first success, I felt once more the hand of providence guiding my actions. I saw myself once more as an avenging angel, the saviour of France from the evils of Jacobinism and rule by the mob. While my initial intention had been to immediately return home, I chose instead to try another target. In my bloodthirsty and unfeminine state, I set out to locate the lodgings of the notorious CRUNCH!, rumoured to live at [ECOLE NORMALE SUPERIEURE]. On my arrival at this location, I found myself foiled by the apparent absence of any such address, and decided instead to make an attempt on the life of the mysterious leader of the sans-culottes, Jude the obscure.

Once more I located my victim's door, and once more wielding my dagger, I knocked and waited to meet the foul criminal. Jude the obscure, like Laser John, was caught ridiculously unawares, and fell immediately to my savage attack. I left swiftly from the scene of my crime, giddy with the success of my vile scheme, and thrilled by the emancipation of France which I had achieved by it. Vive la Révolution!

DO NOT INCUR MY WRATH! PUNY MORTALS!

This morning, I was attack by two vicious killers. I've defended myself, although I only killed the accomplice. I know how they look like. I shall take revenge. No longer am I the hunted, but they are.

Today I decided to maintain my all-important facade of uselessness and ineptitude. Therefore I proceeded to [APERTURE LABORATORIES], searching for Blood & Strawberries, where I proceeded to get hopelessly lost and confused. I still think that, whilst the address is genuine (I think) that the area is currently inaccessible, but then again, not sure. this was at 10:40. So I gave up and ran away. But I am fastidious about my appearance of hopelessness so I continued to the residence of the infamous The Weighted Companion Cube, known for their hideously complicated door puzzles, which, to little surprise from me, proved similarly insurmountable as they were the other day. Making today's attempt (11:15) even worse was the fact that there wasn't even anyone walking around for me to even try slipping through a door. So i gave up and ran away. And thus I fool everyone about my killing prowess.

It has just come to my notice that I made an illegal attack on clumsy ferret today - i pushed a piece of paper labelled 'bomb' under her door while it was locked; I offer my most sincere apologies to her for destroying her room and if this could be passed on to her!

kimbo

At approximately 14:00, while deep in the midst of my studies, I heard what sounds like a thousand angry wasps summoned from the pits of hell directly into my room. After a brief startle, I realized it was only the buzzer. Calling down, a wonderful chap says he's found a book I lost. What a kind soul! As I was about to let him in, I realized.... I don't think I have any academic books other than the ones I was currently using. I turned the less-than-kind soul away, but all the same worried that maybe I had lost a book, and now just left a Good Samaritan out in the rain!

My fears were alleviated, however, when a few minutes later I heard someone enter my house, then knock on my door. The assassin tried the door, but found it cunningly locked! I amassed my weapons, but, still in study-mode, I failed to put together a successful plan. Suddenly, a bomb slid in under my door! Thinking fast, I grabbed the explosive and threw it out the window, taking a quick look to be sure no poor fools would be caught in its blast.

Accepting my current lack of creativity, I went back to my studies. Until next time... for now the game has come to me.

-clumsy ferret

I went to assassinate Mark the Shark, in the process however, he threw a knife which hit the very top of my arm/shoulder on the outside. I proceeded to club him then stab him with his own weapons while he was unconscious.

kimbo

I was spending my Sunday afternoon working away quietly in my room when I received a phone call from De Terminator who lives just next door. I knew something was wrong when he gave me a weird cryptic message that seemed to be similar to an Assassins related code we had agreed upon beforehand. I initially couldn't work out what he meant but as he elaborated it became clear there was an assassin outside his door in the process of trying to terminate him. In an excited panic I grabbed my nerf gun, loaded it, and slowly opened my door, poking my head out to see what was going on. I saw De Terminator's assassin Mortimer pressed up against his door. In her hand she was brandishing a dagger, making her a licit kill for me. I snuck up behind her and shot her in the back from close range.

I was going about my morning when I heard a knock at the door, unfortunately I was only half awake and so my paranoia levels were low. After some feeble attempts to identify the person outside I just opened the door, at which point I exchanged high velocity knives with Mortimer. Both of us lost an arm but kept our lives. Some moments later I realised I hadn't locked the door, at this point I De Termined that (being half asleep) I was not on top of this fraction so called for help in the form of a Levitating BBQ, who emerged and shot poor Mortimer.

The De Terminator.

I went to [UNSPECIFIED SECRET BASE] and staked out my targets room (Blessed-Brian) whilst pretending to read inconspicuously large books but gave up after 2 hours but was fully armed and ready to kill if only he had come out! Alex Rider

Ok people, this is quite a long and involved story, so I'll tell it in a long and involved way. If large bodies of text intimidate you, you might want to just skip to the next story... Started off at dinner in Hall, I was with a friend who I knew was an assassin, but whom I'd, at least mostly, convinced that I wasn't an assassin. Therefore I knew his pseudonym (Shorty). Now we were talking away, I asked of his targets, having considered entering a no kill agreement with him. But I didn't particularly want to trek out with him only to be betrayed. So I hoped that he would become my target before I his. As he stood up to leave, he plainly, if accidently, revealed his weapon, a vicious blade. I baited him that I could've interpreted that as a threatening act but did nothing. However, he dropped it, without realising and when a friend of his ran over to give it back to him, he was technically bearing. But I ignored it, justification though it would've been. I did however, mention this to him and commented that he was being a bit slow and overly able to expose himself to the crowd of bloodthirsty assassins. Then someone asked for a pen. This does not appear overly relevant but I was the only one with a pen. Unfortunately it was labelled up as a throwing knife, and thus my awkwardness in handing it over (as I would've been bearing to do so, and in front of an assassin who I knew was armed). Logic saw through and it was revealed my true identity. I mentioned further about how I could've (and should've) killed him, and he suggested we had a knife fight. So he drew and said, I quote 'If I am bearing then you can kill me, but when you draw you will too be bearing and so I can stab you'. This was a threat to my life, and he was also now bearing, more than enough justification, particularly as he invited me to attack him. So I drew my throwing knife and hurled it into his chest, having gained a bit of distance while talking, to prevent me dying. Thus Shorty died, after inviting his own death, for 'knife fight' does not specify which type of knife nor whether it should be a hand-to-hand fight. This being particularly silly after him having learnt of my pen (a superlative throwing weapon) being my weapon. But now I think it is time to return to my actual targets, unless anyone else happens to be foolish enough to challenge me with a blade.

I have managed to assassinate the first of my 3 targets, Fat Panda of [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]. Following a formal at her college, I acquired the help of a rogue student who entered her room on the pretence of borrowing a book. I then stormed in and killed her with a toy gun, despite her feeble attempts at protection by stationing 3 students on guard on her staircase and leaving her position as 'out' on the board on her staircase. Sneaky.

NED

I shot a rather cheerful The Artful Bodger today who upon dying burst out laughing. The sheer upbeat spirit of this person made me lament his death and I am racked with guilt at the passing away of such a wonderful guy.

R.I.P The Artful Bodger

Carpe Diem

I had cunningly obtained my victim's subject and appearance through facebook, but his countless military related photos and profile picture displaying himself in army gear let me know that I would have to be wary when executing this kill. I found his timetable and headed off to his lecture room where I knew he would be (apparently Land Economists have lectures!). I was waiting outside for a while, and I almost gave up, but my patience paid off in the end when he finally emerged to have a knife thrust into his stomach, before he had a chance to use any of his military training.

Levitating BBQ

At 12:05 I entered [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] with cleansing the world on my mind. The disgusting criminal Lorenzo Venturini, one who would throw even his most trusted allies into death's embrace, just to protect him, is a resident there. Using guile and subterfuge I walked in unchallenged and got into Staircase BB. His marker said he was in, but criminal like he is, he was not, as my knock went unanswered, not even by a sound. I hope to return.

At 12:20 a masterpiece of thought allowed me to confuse the AI guarding The Weighted Companion Cube. As I have completed all of the tests requiring The Weighted Companion Cube, and it cannot accompany me any further, it must be euthanised. I approached it, could I really destroy such a valuable loving companion? I noted the cunning plot of the marker saying Out rather than In, I was not fooled. Knocking however, evoked no response. So I knocked again as The Weighted Companion Cube in fact cannot speak. But the door stayed locked. I have come so far but I couldn't finish it. After this testing I have been promised cake as well, I MUST EUTHANISE The Weighted Companion Cube! As if to rub salt into my wound, within my mind I heard 'Still Alive' whilst leaving, to which I mentally responded with 'Want you Gone'.

Today through an incredibly well-planned coincidence I found myself in the vicinity of Muhammed. I sat where I had a good vantage point. From then it became a waiting game - whoever left for lunch first would surely be the loser. Countless hours passed as I waited for him to crack, myself getting hungrier and weaker with every tick of the clock and every drone of the demonstrator. When he became too hungry to go on he finally made a break for it. I followed him outside where I set my faithful attack penguin on him, which savaged him and feasted on his bloody remains, while I went to feast on a sandwich from the bar.

Today staked out the room of Wanted player The Commander, which is about 15 seconds walk away from my own, in the same floor of the same staircase, from about 5.40. At about 5.50 he arrived, but as I fumbled opening the door I was hiding behind, he bolted into his room and immediately locked it. I remained in position for a further 5 minutes, but heard sounds akin to weaponry being test-fired and so legged it, running all the way out of the building and walking back in several minutes later so as not to be identified. He was obviously aware someone was after him, but I don't think he saw me, knows who I am or how close I am, so the upper hand is still mine. Needless to say, I doubt both of us shall live for much longer. I've seen him around college quite often this week, so unless he becomes much more paranoid, I feel an ambush should be possible.

YAHAHAHARR!! I, the evil Ghost Pirate LeChuck have returned from the dead to once more strike terror into the hearts o' pirates and landlubbers alike across the Seven Seas. I have sailed the seas from my subterranean lair deep beneath [ISLAND REDACTED] and have come to this port o' Cambridge in order to enact my plans.

'twas early in the evening and I was feeling a little peckish, and so set sail for [ISLAND REDACTED] for I knew t'would be a good spot for a bit o' delicious lootin'. Upon arrival I was met with a mysterious landlubber. Some questionin' led me to discover his first name and with a bit of nefarious spyin' from a willing accomplice I learnt his second name. "YAHARR, " I thought "This landlubber be not a landlubber at all, but instead that scurvy pirate Toi." I briefly entertained the thought of challenging him to a fair fight o' wits and weaponry in that noble pastime of Insult Sword Fighting. Then I dismissed him as havin' the fightin' ability of a dairy farmer and gut him with my trusty hook.

Pirates o' Cambridge beware, this is the fate that shall befall ye should ye cross swords with the Ghost Pirate LeChuck! YAARRR!!

Was floating round like any normal Tuesday morning when I spotted my target, Invictus. Suffice to say he went up in flames.

Packing some example sheets in anticipation for a long camp in the residences of my quarry, I headed towards David's address when fortuitously I spotted a man matching his description walking towards the same direction a short distance ahead of me. Already walking quickly and, in the name of social norms, reluctant to decelerate sharply, I continued in front of him, planning to intercept him as he enters his staircase.

His identity was confirmed when I heard one of his friends say his name, at which point I turned around, took aim and "bang'd" him in the head with my gunana.

Then I ate the gunana.

On the 23rd October at 2pm, I went to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] with an accomplice to try to lure Lord Downey from his room. This proved unsuccessful as there was no answer to the door when we knocked, but as we left I saw him looking suspiciously out of the window and so we slinked away, hoping not to be seen.

Today I killed my target Boolgom, which I think surprised both of us. I had almost struck earlier that day, and was ready to leave it again, but the perfect opportunity arose just after our 3pm lecture...so, with immense trepidation, I readied my nerves and my attack snake and ambushed her. I closed my eyes, but not quickly enough not to see the startled look on her face, as the snake sank its fangs into her neck. I apologised profusely and ran away. Was a fairly awkward experience for the both of us. I guess it can only get better though, will have to start taking lessons in cold-bloodedness from my snake.

Learning of the assassination of my previous target (working on top-secret projects is an inherently dangerous task, particularly when you get too involved), I moved onto number two on my vengeance list.

Lying there was an engineer who was instrumental to the creation of Rapture, a certain Mr Technetius Dramatis. Most of the workers who had built Rapture had been killed by Andrew Ryan after its completion, but he had the luck to be befriended by Ryan himself and he was offered a place in Rapture. The story goes that he fell out of favour with Ryan after disagreeing with him when Rapture started going to pot and he was sentenced to death. Ryan supposedly couldn't bear the thought of killing his friend and so sent him to the surface with his memory wiped. All I knew is that he was alive, available and he had used his political clout to restrict my business expansion in Rapture.

I arrived at his room around the hour of 17.30 after acquiring a "keycard" (an outdated Surface form of technology) from an recruited accomplice. I knocked on his door with my heart racing with the thrill of the chase but also with a knowledge that my fearsome ADAM-imbibed reputation was already on the line from failing to kill the scientist. Alas! There was no reply. Faced with the embarrassment of returning to my inferior accomplice with failure, I could only lie in wait. I idly browsed through a catalogue of new splices, dreaming of what might have been, when I heard that glorious sound: footsteps. Hiding behind a wall, I waited for Mr Technetius Dramatis to go to his door. Using my freshly-equipped Stealth Tonic, I sneaked up behind him, called his name and shot him twice in the heart with my rubber-band powered pistols - the lack of EVE removed the choice of using my splices and gunpowder is so last era.

I look forward to the day when I can finally acquire more precious ADAM.

Frank Fontaine.

Late last night, I staked out my unofficial target, wanted player, The Commander's room once again, for about 10 minutes, but to no avail as he did not emerge. Not wanting to raise suspicion, I returned to my own, and for the best part of today, took no further action. Whilst casually sitting at dinner however, I suddenly noticed The Commander sitting at the adjacent table. I knew I had to act fast, but also discreetly, because policewoman Kif Kroker, who I know to be a bit of a loose cannon was sitting right opposite me, and I knew from discussions with her that she was also hunting The Commander. Fortunately, she didn't seem to notice anything was up until the deed had been done.

The Commander had positioned himself on my natural route to the exit, so it was very easily to wander over, and at the last second I drew my blade and plunged it deep into his back. He never really stood a chance, but such is the nature of this business.

Ezio Auditore da Firenze infiltrated [AUSTRALIA] today with his trusted accomplice Bartolomeo d'Alviano (not a hard feat at all, given the absence of facchini). By looking through an ancient codex published by Marco di Zuckerberg he had already ascertained his target's identity. Bartolomeo conversed with the Borgia group before verifying the identity of the target. She was mortally wounded; Ezio's stiletto punctured her brachiocephalic artery.

Requiescat in pace.

At roughly half past 9 last night, I met up with Eeyore during a friendly game of table football in his own college's JCR after a formal. As I walked across to stand beside him to chat, the poor fellow had no idea this conversation would be his last. Introductions were exchanged, and then out of my gown was pulled an axe with which I struck him several times in the chest. He is no more.

Being in the area, at 10 pm last night I decided to make an attempt on The Penetrator. Unluckily he was out. Therefore I beat a hasty retreat, lest i get myself lost in the impenetrable maze that is his lair.