The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

This bat is striking fear into the hearts of incos.

I, Frank Fontaine, am starting to like the Surface. My clearly superior power gives me a buoyancy in life. I can walk down the street and know that I could end the lives of any one of the petty unevolved creatures that lumber past me. With my ADAM-imbibed body, I am the master of their fortunes.

I hunted again today.

After espying my next target, one CRUNCH!, an architect who had written the original plans for Ryan's masterpiece but when it was still planned to be overground in an unchartable location but had since fallen into the sweet arms of alcoholism, I felt the pull of my Killer Instinct Tonic. CRUNCH! had been living in close proximity to my lair, but I had never felt the need to kill him before. It was if he was too competent at survival for me to claim his life.

I shot at the scoundrel outside a mutual place of nourishment (I believe you refer to them as a JCR?) but my bullets seemed somewhat ineffectual as we instead agreed for a proper duel later at 17:00 with no projectile weapons.

He learnt not to bring a pencil when your opponent brings a 5-foot sword that he recently acquired at London Comic-Con.

I, the Karmanator, killed Princess Consueila Bananahammock with the knife in [UNSPECIFIED PALACE]

At some time between midnight and around 8:30 this morning I received a delivery. I do not fully know how it got there or indeed, competely know why. However, there was a Weighted Companion Cube outside my door. It had food on it; sadly it was not cake. The cake is a lie. Now whoever delivered this knows where I live and knows my notes given to the Guild. This is odd because if I was their target then surely it would've been easy to kill me when I opened the door rather than try to pschologically confuse me with a cube. However, the most likely candidate for this...delivery, shouldn't know where I live, let alone the notes section so I am horribly confused. Could the person responsible, as I am sure they are an assassin at least, please explain how this came to be? Or is it simply a cruel psychological experiment? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON!

Yeah, this wierded me out slightly.

Here's your friend, the Weighted Companion Cube! Lets see if it will help you through the test. Try not to murder this one. The Aperture Science Enrishment Centre would like to remind you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you.

At 12:30, whilst having lunch in a reputable establishment, I recognised someone sitting only a few spaces away, who I knew to be incompetent - Charlotte Corday. Surprised by the brazen fearlessness displayed in dining out in the open, seemingly a failure of our police to strike fear into the hearts of the incompetent, I hatched a devilishly cunning plan. Then I walked behind her and pitilessly stabbed her in the back. I then apologised, and made a hasty exit, lest any other assassins might have seen what had transpired.

When Fitch was given me as a target she made the mistake of asking one of my spies for information about me. He gave her minimal help and instead relayed her appearance and subject back to me. I later learned that she was the one responsible for an attempt on my life last week. I decided that it was time to launch a pre-emptive strike before one of her attempts got lucky. I found out where she would be for lectures with help from my spies, and waited outside for her to come out. Someone matching her description indeed emerged and hurried off down a staircase. I followed, not entirely sure if this was the person I was looking for. I didn't want to barbecue the wrong person. But as she entered another building I decided to shoot first and ask questions later. I dispatched her with a quick shot to the spine and in her dying breath she confirmed that she had indeed been Fitch.

At 3:25 an attempt was made on my life. With an accomplice pretending to be from the Christian Union - a ruse quickly seen through, I opened the front door to the unarmed accomplice out of curiosity. Suddenly from around the corner came a nerf gun wielding lunatic. With lightning reflexes, I slammed the door shut, and avoided being shot very narrowly. Although I did not catch their names, hopefully the next time we meet, the nerf gun will be pointed the other way...

Myself, Gaius Frakin' Baltar, and Lord Downey, posing as members of the Christian Union, attempted to eliminate Charon's Apprentice from the incompetents list. His reflexes were fast though, and he escaped.

Myself, Gaius Frakin' Baltar, and Lord Downey then successfully teamed up to kill an assailant named Elvis

22:10, 1/11/12 Ezio Auditore da Firenze made an attempt on the wanted Borgia agent In West Philadelphia with accomplices Bartolomeo d'Alviano and Caterina Sforza. Caterina, who apparently knew the target, knocked on his porta della camera da letto. However, she proved only to be a hinderance; she knocked without even using her identity to lower the target's guard. The suspicious Borgia agent launched an attack with a devilish granata. Ezio had to use all of his training to avoid this dastardly attempt, and got out with his accomplices before further chaos ensued. Ezio deftly dodged a second attempt (bombe through the finestra) as he made his escape.

22:30 1/11/12 Ezio, having disposed of the puttana Caterina Sforza (a useless accomplice), entered the college of Miss Penguin. After spending 10 minutes surveying the taverna and waiting outside her camera da letto, it became clear that she was elsewhere.

The Borgias are getting harder uccidere...

Until now, the tactical lemon has been served very well by sitting around... well, like a lemon. Two have tried, and still here I am. But the tactical lemon possesses an edge of cunning over regular lemons and realised that continuing this would be exactly what people would expect from a lemon! (Also after the incobash didn't come and nobody attempted for a week I realised I'd have to hunt.) So the lemon dutifully rolled to ukgentleman's lecture this morning, accomplice (That nerd in the corner) in tow, and (using the telekinetic powers fruit have been hiding for millennia... obviously) when our mark left the theatre we stabbed him viciously in the back. From his last words, it was plain that he had forgotten about assassins... but assassins had not forgotten him.

Fear the lemon, for the lemon is fearsome.

Assisted a kill (ukgentleman) with tacticallemon

It dawned on me that I'm sharing my lectures with a number of incompetents, so today at almost exactly noon, when ukgentleman lingered too long at the water machine, I took the oppurtunity to kill him. (Muwhaha). It seems I, as my namesake, don't have the knack of making friends. (Ha).

One fewer incompetents. Yaay!

Today as I was about to start working, I suddenly felt an irresistible urge to kill. I followed my desire which led to Antoine Konigsberg getting shot in the chest with a nerf gun. Relishing the thrill of the kill I moved on to find my other target, Fluffi. I knocked on his door but sadly he either was not there or was too frightened to open the door.

Yesterday I decided to stake out a target of mine going by the name of MickyMouse. At 19.15 I successfully staked out his lair and relied on my trusty accomplice to lure him out. My accomplice, using a ruse cleverly constructed by me, managed to persuade my target's partner to open the door, but my target himself was unfortunately not in at the time. Making an excuse, my accomplice thanked MickyMouse's partner and returned to me in my cunningly concealed hiding place behind a nearby wall. Having been informed that my target would return shortly, we waited a further 20 minutes, but he did not arrive, so we gave up the attempt on my target's life for that night.

This afternoon at roughly 12.30, I decided to make another attempt on the life of my target, MickyMouse. I located his pigeonhole in [UNSPECIFIED] college and, having planted the ruse last night that he would be receiving post at this time, waited there for him for 15 minutes, before once more giving up the chase. MickyMouse may be elusive, but Swishy will get him one day!

Captain's Log, stardate 6679.6

Another day, another mission to eradicate from the galaxy the scourge known as incompetency.

Today my designated target was the alien known as The Paddle, in the [UNSPECIFIED] System, [UNSPECIFIED] sector.

Upon arrival at the coordinates, I attempted a frontal assault, but his powerful forcefields repelled my attempts at entry.

However, a false IFF (identification friendly or foe) signal convinced him I was an ally and he dropped his shields, enabling me to vaporise him with a full-power phaser blast from orbit.

Mission accomplished.

Captain, out.

Last night me and Police Officer Tinny Tim came to an agreement to hunt some incos together. He needs competence and I like a meatshield. Its a nice equal anti-inco partnership. Then we hateched a daring plan to strike where no-one would expect us: [UNSPECIFIED INCO-HOLE]! Alex Rider however was behind a great deal of locked doors, how paranoid can you get. However, by cunning assassin skill, we managed to get in at around 12:15. They were out, but we stuck to it and awkwardly hung around, jumping at every noise. Eventually we ran away. Second time at 3:20! Harder to get in this time around but we managed it. Target seemed to be out again but we may have been identified, 'No, you shouldn't have let them in, they're assassins' giving me a slight clue.I think now is the time to give up, out of all my failures, this is pretty embarassing.

Captain's Log supplemental

Starfleet Command sent me on an emergency mission to the home system to put an end to the suffering of a fellow Starfleet officer assimilated by the Incompetency Collective.

With aid from a friendly member of the red-haired species known as the Northernirish, I infiltrated a gathering at which my target was known to be present.

Using stealth, I was able to sneak up on my former comrade-in-arms, and dispatch him using the hand-to-hand combat techniques they taught us back in the academy. And a massive knife.

Captain, out.

Captain's Log Supplemental additional

Having completed two missions successfully today, I endeavoured to help my ally Swishy in staving off the forces of Incompetency.

We set a course for the home system of an enemy that Swishy had already scouted out. With our ruse of a fake delivery of dilithium crystals preprepared, we hoped to gain access and get within weapon's range.

Unfortunately, the target had already been destroyed, blown out of the sky whilst conducting a raid on another member of the galactic milieu.

Not too disheartened, Swishy and I set a course for the [UNSPECIFIED] system to locate a dangerous alien threat designated Gaius Frakin' Baltar. To our chagrin, I was forced to report to Starfleet Command that the target was not present at his home location during our strike and this threat to the peace of the Federation was sadly not removed.

I must return to the starbase to conduct refuelling operations, but the crew, myself and our erstwhile ally Swishy can rest assured of a good day's work.

Captain, out.

Just before my second attempt on the life of MickyMouse, I went to locate another target of mine, The Hooded One of [UNSPECIFIED] college. I found his lair and was let in by some innocents, unsuspecting of the ghastly deed I was there to perform. However, upon knocking on his door several times and lying in wait for a good 15 minutes, I had to conclude that he was to be found elsewhere at that moment in time.

Having been unsuccessful in ending a life yet again, I vowed to return to The Hooded One's hideout, and did so at 17.10 this very same afternoon. I went with The Captain, who helped to carry out my fiendish plan in luring my victim from his den. The plan worked and as The Hooded One opened his door, I hurled a knife and struck him cleanly in the chest. After my second's triumph of success, I was dismayed to learn from the dying man that he had already been wounded fatally earlier that day and so was not in fact dead to me, but to another! Unfortunately his death had not yet been reported at the time of my attempt, so I had wasted time in killing a dead man. These past 24 hours have been riddled with misfortune for Swishy!

Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment activity. We hope your testing experience has been a pleasant one. Now enjoy your victory candescence. Goodbye!

I know you're there. I can feel you here.

Hello? Is anyone there?

Stabbed the incompetent The Paddle in the college canteen this evening, at about 6:30pm. Unfortunately he's already dead, which is a bit depressing, given that I've just further mutilated a corpse in a place where people are supposed to eat food.

Much love and accidental psychopathy,

Godfrey

Last night about 9 pm I ventured to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] to make an attempt on Miss Penguin. As I've never been in there before, my first instinct was to ask to porters how to get where I needed to go. This turned out to be a bad idea. I was drawn into a long conversation with them about the weather and the US election, and unfortunately let slip that I was on an assassin's mission. The porters refused to help, and said I cannot come in! Curses. I made many attempts over the next 20 minutes to try and sneak in with strangers, hiding behind tall people, and even changing my coat once. No dice, those clever porters remembered my face and stopped me every time. I'll have to think of a different strategy.

Unfortunately, I failed yet again tonight. This time I went after my target Memento Mori in [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]; I located his room, crept up to the door, listened and heard nothing, found a good spot to wait, and staked the place out for half an hour. I started my stakeout at 11:26 and finished it at around midnight. At the end, having seen nothing and heard nothing (though I managed to successfully hide from another person walking by) I tried the handle, hoping it was unlocked. It wasn't. I left.

With the incompetence deadlines looming yet again and the torrential rain deterring any long distance stake outs I, otzi the iceman and my assassin friend, Vetinari decided to team together to purge the evil that is incompetence from our local area. Betrayal is not a nice thing but when times are desperate an assassin - or two - have to do what they have to do. The guilt pursuing us like the persistant downpour outside we crept weapons in hand to Alex Rider'S lair. And waited. And waited. This was clearly not the first time she had been targeted as previous assassins had left their mark. We were not impressed with their artistic skills so after 15 minutes of hardcore hiding in the corridor with a rising sense of guilt we left a note of our own and then fled.

Mid afternoon today otzi the iceman and I concealed ourselves in the shadows of Alex Rider's corridor and lurked silently for a good 15 minutes, having received intel that she would be returning home. When it was apparent she was not, we slunk away- our hearts full of disappointment, my snake's stomach empty.

x

At 14:40ish today I ventured back into [UNSPECIFIED FOREST] to destroy my nemesis Tealeaf. My accomplice attempted to lure him into the open corridor whilst I, hidden in the shadows, readied my weapon. Alas he was unwilling to leave his room. Whilst chatting with his neighbours a sudden noise was heard. There he was carrying a massive weapon. I, whilst trying desperately to consume my weapon so I was no longer bearing arms, and my accomplice ran down the stairs. I do not know if Tealeaf gave chase - I never looked back.

An assassin and who I think was an accomplice came to my door today. Luckily the accomplice's cunning "Tom, from around college" gag wasn't convincing enough for me to open the door to him. As my neighbour came out of his room I cried "Help, assassins!", foiled by my cowardice, the killers tried my door once more before walking away. Before they had left, I burst out, armed to the teeth. They fled.

17:38: Heard knock at door, grabbed weapon. Innocent looking girl asks about something. I think, why should I open the door for this? Be typically blunt. Keep watching and see suspicious male holding a small object by his side, I suspect a Nerf Jolt walk away. They hung around for a bit. I'm guessing they were assassins. The girl might still be here.

This is all quite funny, how dare you even begin to think that I own Tresemme shampoo? What sor of corporate brand obsessed freak do you think I am? If you are gong to get me to open my door it will not be by asking about someone's branded shampoo in the bathroom! I can categroically state it is NOT MINE.

And I thought assassins were meant to be courteous.

Mr. Teatime and I went to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] yesterday at about half past 5. I knocked on RunningScared's door whilst Mr. Teatime waited at the ready. He refused to open up, so we went to my target, Little Timmy.

I stabbed him to death (it was merciful) after pretending I'd dropped something of his in the kitchen. We returned to RunningScared, and Little Timmy knocked. I am unsure if he was ignored or if RunningScared and friends returned from the food hall then - either way, there was a firefight between Mr. Teatime, someone with a large 6shot nerf gun, and RunningScared, with me and a girl from [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] collecting bullets (unarmed). Eventually I made a tactical retreat (hid in the bathroom), and Mr. Teatime got shot. RunningScared waited for me to emerge, then went to wait for me outside to ambush me, then went to wait by the plodge. We snuck past veeeery stealthily, and rode off home.

However, at dinner, friendly conversation with Tinny Tim led to the inevitable. 'Are we going back to [THE INCO-HOLE]?'. So we went to our respective rooms to arm and prepare. However, being paranoid I advanced cautiously and was bearing. A poor innocent who was with me was slightly confused. Then 2 people saw me. They were the same 2 as earlier. What followed is quite a long story and so justifies a very long essay.

Several shots were fired and obstructed by various parts of the building, but my gun was now empty, all reloads fired. So I grabbed my second gun and let rip once more. This time loosing one shot as the assassin's accomplice who was directing her friend to where I was. Then I was out of ammunition again, whereas they seemed to have infinite. A helpful person, who I believe was a dead assassin of my college retrieved all of our darts for both of us, a nice gesture. However, I had already grabbed my impressive armoury of throwing knives. I let one fly and missed hopelessly. Then Tinny Tim arrived and the firefight intensified with several more shots going off, hitting doors and stairs in a confined space. This arrival allowed me to descend to the level of my assailants.

We then executed a perfect pincer movement which ended up in a dreadful miss by me and a supposed kill by Tinny Tim. However, the target claims it hit him on the arm. This is disputed. However, I then shot him in the chest which was not disputed, so my killcount rises again! Then there was a long stalemate during with it transpired that the accomplice was an assassin and had now been passed the weapon and some ammunition. But she was hiding in a toilet. Covering the door with weapons we were foiled when the dead assassin shielded the door and handed more ammunition to the occupant of the toilet. Nonetheless a very long stalemate was passed during which I was called 'irritating' and 'not funny', words which brought great satisfaction to me for it shows I have no illusions about myself, unlike this arrogant [UNSPECIFIED LAUGHABLE SUBJECT]. He then proceeded to laughably interrogate me, asking about my subject and getting it disasterously wrong. Then some careful foolery by me brought about an even more hilarious guess. The man was useless!

There were several attempts to end the stalemate, none of which were successful, and the person in the toilet phoned several others who arrived to help. The dead assassin then found me, provided the information to the other assassin. He then proceeded to attempt to scare me with talk of some ludicrous weapon [SPOILERS] so I sloped off to [THE INCO-HOLE], after a brief wait to see if they would leave.

For the fourth time now we got in, and again they were out, this was annoying so we left yet again as failures. And I tell you, the occupants of that place are all deliberatly obstructive. Might have something to do with me looking out of place at the college in question.

Returning we found our cowardly foes to have left.

Its been one heck of a day!

Just (19:20) killed TheWrathfulDaggerOfTheFourteenthSwampLord. It appears I actually am an incompetent assassin since I stabbed him in the arm. However, a swift blow to the back once he was still found to be alive quickly solved things.

Still the nanobots came - bot by bot, nano-unit by nano-unit. The nanobots swarmed across the free energy landscape, breaking free from dispersion interactions and Lennard-Jones potentials; energised by hardcore and coulomb repulsion in equal measure. And yet there was one barrier too large that even the nanobots could not face, some unfathomable obstacle to overcome. The free energy of activation was simply too positive; the kinetics too slow. To surpass it would require an age of the universe of waiting. The nanobots simply didn't have that kind of time on their nanohands. And so, foiled by the Card Reader, the nanobots swept on past.

Should have realised that being incompetent would draw some attention. An assassin came knocking just now. Seeing him through the peephole, I knew that he had his weapon behind his back, and I thought that I could probably beat him to the shot. I delayed just long enough to get my nerf gun ready, then swung the door open. We both fired and dodged simultaneously, but as he ducked to the side I noticed that he had a nerf jolt - a single shot gun. Knowing this, I simply reloaded and stepped out to blow his head off, and did so.

At 10:55 am, Schrodinger's Kill localised himself to the queue outside his lecture. Whilst waiting for the doors to open, a vitual assassin was spontaneously created for the vacuum and, after a brief interaction via a [NON-EXISTANT] knife to the side, his wavefunction collapsed once more and it turned out that Schrodinger's Kill was [STILL ALIVE AND NOT DEAD].

Being attacked once today, I should've expected more anti-inco violence against my person. While sat in a talk (organised by the college) given by one of my course mates, a vengeful LifeAndSoul burst through the door (during the talk) and decapitated me with a lightsaber. I'm not sure but I would've thought that would be out of bounds.

Attempt made on Tealeaf - contact with weaponary was made but in what I think is an out of bounds zone - it occurred during some talks by students in our year whilst in college. Also, another attempt was made on Keyser Soze with an accomplice, yet said person did not return to his room within the 15 minutes waited, so I decided to leave

I tried to find and eliminate a well known assassin Alex Rider (5.10pm-5.20pm). Unfortunately someone must have warned her and she went to hiding. No kill for me today :(

Do you honestly expect a few simple puzzles to stop me? They might confuse an mere test subject, but by the looks of things you know as much about test building as you do about weaponry. What were you thinking? You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?

Using my special powers, I decided to add to the display tonight. There were a few casualties, but I say it was worth the spectacle...

Becky Bowen (Derrick), Jack Lowe (The Night Creeper), Kieran Lawrence (The Sneaky Surgeon), Matthew Morgan (that exciting feeling you get just before you go on holiday), Omar Shamayleh (Ian Cognito), Sam Behjati (MickyMouse) all perished. They will not be missed.

Keyser Soze has lost all LifeAndSoul and joined the choir invisible! In the dead of night, a hooded figure could be seen sprinting down the streets of Cambridge towards the target's location: it was time for the assault on [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]! The assassin loitered next to the staircase, leaning on a lamp post outside such that the light shone down on him, leaving his face in shadow. At this moment, the assassin's accomplice met him down there and let him into the staircase. We went to the incompetent's room and my glamourous assistant conjured up a story about a kitchen mishap that was unfolding downstairs involving the dropping of the victim's food. The assassin waited in an adjacent landing where he could clearly hear all that was going on. Upon realising that the target was not leaving his room, a move had to be made. The door was quite wide open, so the assassin charged through the door into the corridor, ran towards the room and stabbed the victim through the chest in passing. Alas, it was later revealed that the victim had his assassin as one of his targets - ironic, eh? A lot of credit goes to the glamourous assistant who transfixed the target long enough with her tragic tales; he was helpless to resist - like sailors to a siren...beautiful but deadly...

I teamed up with an assassin from a place far away to kill an incompetent (Keyser Soze). After I cunningly convinced the target to open the door, LifeAndSoul (the assassin I teamed up with) slew the incompetent with his trusty lightsaber.