The Assassins' Guild - Week 7 News

Random Strategy lurked Nightfingers. Sounds from within indicated that he was indeed in and probably watching a film or something. During the time lurking, the (inevitable) random event was, rather boringly, that approximately the entire population of the staircase apart from Nightfingers walked past Random Strategy (seriously, every single other door on the level had someone walk in or out of it). They were very friendly and even offered tea! . Unfortunately, [unspecified other obligation] forced Random Strategy to leave before the inco emerged. As a last resort, he tried the door (locked), waited a bit more in case the inco tried to charge out shooting everything (he didn't) then left.

Random Strategy heard something outside his door: obviously assassins! After a few minutes (while he convinced himself that getting out of bed was worth it), he eventually opened his door and fired shots at the obvious lurking location. But no one was there. However, he noticed chocolate on every door of the staircase: Sir Winston and his elves had been! And he had given chocolate to boys and girls who had been good this year.

Lucky escape! (Note: all Random Strategy's escapes are lucky) If he had been quicker and actually shot Sir Winston while he was there, Random Strategy would definitely have been on the naughty list for next year!

I present to all you noobs, the very last Domnoob report of the game! : Domnoob report number [I can't count; counting is for noobs], written by Aaron Domnoob, lord of the cardboard wand, emperor of noobs, and troll of the letter T himself!

The great mighty Domnoob started the day by passing by Coors Light's staircase at around 11:30. But that stupid noob wasn't in! He was probably out killing noobs! What an idiot! That's my job!

I then decided that lurking another noob known as Mega Super Ultra Extra was a brilliant idea (as all my ideas are) at 12:00 but that stupid noob never emerged! Why not? I then (at 12:45) spotted a suspicious looking noob at the end of the road who ran to the left as soon as he saw how magnificently scary I am. Investigating the area he had fled to I found nothing of any interest. Is the cowardly noob hiding?

Lunch break. Om Nom Nom. Domnoob is the greatest so deserves the greatest food!

At around 14:00, I passed by Coors Light's staircase again but he was still out. Still a noob then. I quickly visited tacticallemon's room to see whether the rumours that there was a lemon on his door were true. They were! This noob is awesome! I left him tactical citrus-fruit Jaffa cakes as a reward for his great services to all of noobishness.

At 15:15, I spotted I have no need for a Pseudonym cos I am going inco in St John's. Yes, the one who is so nooby that he even has a master's degree in noobiness! A masternoob! Foreseeing that he would be visiting our noobish umpire, Aaron Domnoob the mighty ran to get there first and hid at the top of the stairs. Unfortunately, my wand misfired. Curses Olivander! Why didn't you tell me it didn't shoot downwards???? You're such an epic noob! You will pay for that ! Yes! I want my money back! All of the 0£ I spent on it! Now! Aaron Domnoob the mighty had to improvise with a clumsy gun which apparently failed to hit him even though it was downwards with very good lines of sight. I have no need for a Pseudonym cos I am going inco also returned shots but they were easy to dodge because of height advantage and then he fled down the stairs.

At 17:00, after a few more uninteresting shenanigans, I realised my options were running out. I had 1 hour to kill all noobs! But Domnoob is so good at noob-slaying that he should have no problems whatsoever. The plan was perfect (since it what made by the most brilliant mind ever). Although it states on the assassin's website that the umpire is immortal, and that Ferrets of Doom will try to eat you if you try to kill her, it doesn't mention anything about what happens if you use mind-control! So Domnoob hurried up to her room and promptly cast the Imperius curse on her! Hooray! Domnoob ordered the umpire to thunderbolt all the other noobs still alive. But the umpire was such a noob and actually had resistance to mind-control. What a noob! Seriously how can someone noobish enough to protect their mind against the imperius curse be our umpire?

Domnoob passed by tacticallemon's room again and saw that this time (at last) the noob was in. Unfortunately, the second I had arrived that stupid noob opened his door. My wand was stuck inside his coat so I drew the stupid pathetic water gun that had failed to kill I have no need for a Pseudonym cos I am going inco earlier and shot tacticallemon. tacticallemon ducked inside his room, which apparently had a protego charm on it that protected it against minor jinxes and water. Domnoob the great hid behind a wall while he got out his wand from his coat. However, by the time he had retrieved it, that noob had shut his door again.

Really running out of time now, I decided that a horcrux would be useful for surviving the duel the next day. So I killed a pathetic innocent who lives near me (who didn't have much of a soul anyway; in fact, it is widely believed by many he is actually a robot in disguise). With AVADA KADAVRA ! But I will not make the same mistakes as all the other nooby dark lords, who had their horcrux destroyed by some random noob while they weren't looking. No, Domnoob is better than that, for I have chosen to put my soul into the T-shirt I will be wearing tomorrow! That way, the only way they can destroy it is by shooting me so I'll know about it for sure! Plus I know from a very reliable source that it is impossible to shoot someone as awesome as Domnoob (and those that do are noobs who hacked reality or abused some noobish overpowered strategy such as bringing a gun to a gun fight) so that makes it extra safe.



Domnoob out. See all you noobs tomorrow!

Turned up today with Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart to remove another incompetent, Mega Super Ultra Extra. We got into the building and lurked, but he caught sight of us too early and fled. We attempted pursuit, but were unable to catch him. We came again, after various commitments at college, but after a long wait outside were unable to gain reentry.

17.15: Made the mistake of opening my door - an unknown someone was waiting and attacked with a water pistol. Fortunately I retreated unharmed. I then tried to engage him in conversation through the door but either he had already left or he found my conversational ability lacking. In any case, a close call.