The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

11.05 - My Tiny radar means Coors Light is either not in or undetectable
11.20 - Wichita seems to be very good at avoiding me. This is the fourth failed attempt to assassinate her.

1220: "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage" (Woody Allen). With this in mind, I had my chauffer Giles drive me to [High Class Pâtisserie Name Redacted], where I purchased a metric ton of strawberry Crème brûlée and a grande Caffé Mocha, no sugar, no whipped cream, extra dry, with half skimmed, half full fat milk.

1240: "A sportsman is a man who every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something" (Stephen Leacock). And I am nothing if not a sportsman. I waited outside the residence of Cyborg Ostrich for twenty minutes with the aim of recruiting some young street urchin to my cause, but sighted not a single soul.

1300: "As soon as men know that they can kill without fear of punishment or blame, they kill; or at least they encourage killers with approving smiles" (Simone Weil)" Indeed, I have always had the most charming smile, and persuaded a young man to let me enter the lodgings of Le Meurtrier of [COLLEGE-REDACTED].

1310: "I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man" (Che Guevara). Le Meurtrier refused to answer his door with gravity and authority that brought to mind some of the greatest orators of our time. I decided to retire for the afternoon.

1320: An unsuccessful day, but a fulfilling one. After all, "A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men" (Willy Wonka). Home, Giles!

I attempted to kill necrognostic. Sadly, in my first attempt, I couldn't find the correct address. Annoyingly, there were 3 other addresses containing [UNSPECIFIED NUMBER], [UNSPECIFIED STREET] in the same area as necrognostic, whose inhabitants informed me that the incompetent did not live there. I left.

After returning to [UNSPECIFIED BASE OF OPERATIONS] and using the internet to get all possible addresses, I discovered a forth one, and returning there at 19:00 , I discovered that the lights were on. Unfortunately, necrognostic made no reply to her friendly neighbour's knocking on her door, and I was then informed by said neighbour that she had a tendency of leaving the lights on when not in. I left.

Up the glass stair! Up! UP! But fie, I knocked upon the door and no-one replied within... but as I went down the stairs, I heard a noise behind me, and ran, quickly now, away from what I had awoken.

I went looking for new people to join my guild and thought Count Zachary could be a likely candidate. But that noob wasn't in! How does he expect to join the Noob guild if he doesn't show up for his (unscheduled) entrance exams? I can't believe how nooby people are today. Come on noobs! Join my guild NOWWW! (plox?)

Yet more evidence that Random Strategy is the winning strategy. Consider the following problem:

Your targets must die.
Now, how would you go about doing it? Most people would go out and hunt them. But Random Strategy randomly decided to ignore the targets in the hope that they would mysteriously die for no reason at all.
Indeed, here we see the results: all 3 of Random Strategy's targets have been killed at the same time. Random Strategy is succesful again!

It is my sad duty to report the death of Julianne "The Scythe Killer" Joswiak. When she emerged from her lecture hall at around 13:15 she had no idea that this sunny November afternoon would be her last. Rounding the corner onto [STREET=REDACTED], she was shot with a banana-gun. As the red mist cleared and I saw her face pale with blood loss (rather than lack of sunlight), I realised the true horror of what I had done. What have I become?

My geoliner of death has been christened with blood!

It would be good if I could use it to draw lines in lectures again though.

No.More.

This afternoon, starting at about 14:00, I went on an attempted rampage to try and secure a few kills. Sadly, my attempts were thwarted by some rather unfortunate circumstances. I first sought the incompetent, Ganon, and successfully managed to gain entry to her nigh impregnable college. I ascended the staircase to her room and noticed a female human following close behind. I suspected this could be the one I was looking for but was disappointed as she entered the wrong room. After engaging her in conversation, I learned that Ganon is away for the weekend, either that or I have been subjected to some cunning trickery.

Anyway, I decided to move on, to Mr Papaya, but although gaining entry to her college was relatively easy, her accommodation building turned out to be securely locked. I waited for a few minutes in case someone would come along and allow me entry, but sadly no luck.

I finally went to try and kill Le Meurtrier (a cunning assailant who evaded me once before), but again I found his accommodation to be locked shut. Overall, not a particularly successful day.

The great mighty Domnoob gained entry to the staircase where the poor incompetent Le Meurtrier lived. Unfortunately, as soon as I arrived near the door to his room, some stupid nooby innocent said very loudly right in front of the door "I suppose you're here to kill Le Meurtrier " Such an epic noob! Why sabotage the mission? She will pay for her lack of treason! Unfortunately for his magnificence, Aaron Domnoob, lord of all noobs, the incompetent didn't seem to want to open his door after this (and may possibly have been out due to lack of sound from the room). So stupid! There was no sign at all that I was an assassin apart from my wanting to get into his room and the innocent's very loud voice! After getting bored, I left his puny college and returned to my epicly awesome college

Step 1: Try target's door, in a SuperStealth manner obviously (doesn't work, shocker!)
Step 2: Identify target's window, and lurk in a SuperStealth spot
Steps 3-6: ???????????? Step 7: Profit (*bang*)

Today, post-ceidlih, I, Rory Williams and Rassilon attempted the killing of the incos Count Zachary, Ganon and Le Meurtrier. All attempts were unsucessful, curse colleges and their well-locked front gates! Not sure if this counts as a proper attempt given that we didn't even get into the colleges themselves, but gave it best shot.

3rd time lucky, shot Tom Taylor this morning after a lecture!

As a man, I'm flesh and blood. I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as the Cookie-monster... as a symbol, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting. The Cookie-monster frightens me; it's a way of making my enemies share my dread. Le Meurtrier was wearing a Cookie-monster t-shirt in his facebook profile picture. This was a vendetta! But from 1615-1645, nobody was willing to let me past the locked doors of [COLLEGE-REDACTED]

I reached [COLLEGE-REDACTED] at about 1715, and asked Morgan le Fay about the wooden dagger she was carrying. She said that it was "a long story", so I cut it short for her.

And it turns out that Le Meurtrier has tasted the ferret's judgement! Surely it's divine retribution ;)

Random Strategy went looking for Cookie-monster. Unfortunately, he did not appear to be in his lectures. Maybe he was so paranoid about being inco he had not gone? Maybe Random Strategy was not applying sufficent randomness? At any rate, the incompetent was not identified.

I bumped into Amy Roberts, one of my previous victims who is now police, at about 14:00 today and asked her when her incompetence deadline was. She kindly answered honestly. She is now dead. Again.

I was embarking on my quest to the far lands of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to go after targets, when I passed [COURT-REDACTED]. I was like oh I do believe there is an inco by the name of Morgan le Fay living in [STAIRCASE-REDACTED]! This would be so much better than [COLLEGE-REDACTED], you guys.

After taking a ridiculous 10 minutes to find the staircase i took another ridiculous amount of time finding her room! Which was behind some hidden door. After hearing my dire excuse for knocking on her door she asked if i was an assassin and told me she was already dead! Oh noes.

I noticed Dalek Caan on one of the other doors but couldn't remember if they were still inco so didn't risk it. But now I see they are! That would have been much easier!

Then I was like ceebs wi [COLLEGE-REDACTED] lyks and I went to [DIFFERENT-COLLEGE-REDACTED]. I got confused about Cookie-monster's address and took like 20 minutes to find it! THen I couldn't get in and had to lurk suspiciously. Then I went home.