Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Wednesday, 16 November

[11:05 AM] There's a Tiny assassin looking for Coors Light and Wichita
Tiny reports:

11.05 - My Tiny radar means Coors Light is either not in or undetectable
11.20 - Wichita seems to be very good at avoiding me. This is the fourth failed attempt to assassinate her.

[12:05 PM] Rory Williams has defeated the malevolent Cyborg Ostrich (Maria Leggatt).
Rory Williams reports:

I came across Cyborg Ostrich, and was making pleasant conversation when something resembling a tiny, green, winged Ood leapt from my pocket and destroyed her hand. She turned to run, and I followed, hoping to keep her safe from the monster- but it didn't help. The creature, which for copyright reasons was slightly dissimilar to Chtulhu, dived onto her back and the camera cut away, allowing us to infer from the grisly sound effects that this was something too traumatic to be shown on a Saturday-evening family-friendly show.

[12:20 PM] Cookie-monster attempts to kill Le Meurtrier and Cyborg Ostrich, without success.
Cookie-monster reports:

1220: "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage" (Woody Allen). With this in mind, I had my chauffer Giles drive me to [High Class Pâtisserie Name Redacted], where I purchased a metric ton of strawberry Crème brûlée and a grande Caffé Mocha, no sugar, no whipped cream, extra dry, with half skimmed, half full fat milk.

1240: "A sportsman is a man who every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something" (Stephen Leacock). And I am nothing if not a sportsman. I waited outside the residence of Cyborg Ostrich for twenty minutes with the aim of recruiting some young street urchin to my cause, but sighted not a single soul.

1300: "As soon as men know that they can kill without fear of punishment or blame, they kill; or at least they encourage killers with approving smiles" (Simone Weil)" Indeed, I have always had the most charming smile, and persuaded a young man to let me enter the lodgings of Le Meurtrier of [COLLEGE-REDACTED].

1310: "I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man" (Che Guevara). Le Meurtrier refused to answer his door with gravity and authority that brought to mind some of the greatest orators of our time. I decided to retire for the afternoon.

1320: An unsuccessful day, but a fulfilling one. After all, "A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men" (Willy Wonka). Home, Giles!

[17:45 PM] necrognostic proves troublesome for My other pseudonym starts with a T to find.
My other pseudonym starts with a T reports:

I attempted to kill necrognostic. Sadly, in my first attempt, I couldn't find the correct address. Annoyingly, there were 3 other addresses containing [UNSPECIFIED NUMBER], [UNSPECIFIED STREET] in the same area as necrognostic, whose inhabitants informed me that the incompetent did not live there. I left.

[19:00 PM] Round 2! My other pseudonym starts with a T tries again, but necrognostic is still nowhere to be found.
My other pseudonym starts with a T reports:

After returning to [UNSPECIFIED BASE OF OPERATIONS] and using the internet to get all possible addresses, I discovered a forth one, and returning there at 19:00 , I discovered that the lights were on. Unfortunately, necrognostic made no reply to her friendly neighbour's knocking on her door, and I was then informed by said neighbour that she had a tendency of leaving the lights on when not in. I left.

[19:35 PM] Rory Williams has saved the Universe from the threat of Stormageddon, the Dark Lord of All.
Rory Williams reports:

Apparently green betentacled beasts jump out of my pockets and kill incompetent people. They have no respect for no-kill agreements that I was unaware of until shortly after the kill happened.

Thursday, 17 November

[01:17 AM] Mary Moo Cow, Bob Marley, Pseudonym Made Up By The Umpire No.34, necrognostic, Didn't submit a pseudonym, snake, Big Tree and Spark disappear into a crack in the ground, never to be seen again.

Adam Wright, Dan Hensman, Nick Chambers, Sally Zhu, Sarah Greasley, Shuaib Siddiqui, Shurong (Sharon) Li and Stacey-Jo Parker have all been eaten by the Umpire's killer ferrets of DOOOOOOOM.

[09:00 AM] The Evil Scorby must be stopped - reward of chocolate.
Scorby reports:

I would like to place a bounty on the head of the Evil Scorby! He will shortly be arriving in Cambridge from lands afar and crashing the game! This is unacceptable and he must be stopped! My sources tell me that he will only be here in our glorious city until Tuesday 22nd November so assassins, you have until then to stop him!

As a reward I am offering a quantity of chocolatey (or biscuity if prefered) treats to the assassin who eliminates him!

[11:20 AM] D. Mendeleev, The Chemistry Bro attempts to kill 'Tis but a flesh wound' with SCIENCE!
D. Mendeleev, The Chemistry Bro reports:

I, tired and bleary-eyed from a night of hard [SUBJECT-RELATED WORK], clambered into the court. I looked for my target's room: but within no light, it was endarkened, and so so to was my soul.

[11:30 AM] Telganistico tries to tackle TiddlyTom.
Telganistico reports:

Up the glass stair! Up! UP! But fie, I knocked upon the door and no-one replied within... but as I went down the stairs, I heard a noise behind me, and ran, quickly now, away from what I had awoken.

[11:38 AM] Scorby hears news of the recent thunderboltings.
Scorby reports:

As he fed his mighty steed and prepared for his quest into the dark lands of Cambridge in search of incos and wanteds, Scorby's trusty hawk Odin delivered news. He had observed the Ferrets of Doom hunting in the dark lands. This was troubling news for Scorby as he new it would almost certainly mean fewer targets for him to eliminate.

Sure enough it wasn't long before word arrived that several of his intended victims had been shuffled loose their mortal coil and swallowed whole by the Ferrets.

Upon further investigation, Scorby discovered that there were still many incos remaining however, and, along with a decree from The Almighty Umpire reducing competancy deadlines he was sure his trip would not be in vain

With this, he sent Odin back to the dark lands to report back any further news and continued readying his weaponary.

[12:05 PM] Aaron Domnoob tries to get Count Zachary to join the Noob guild.
Aaron Domnoob reports:

I went looking for new people to join my guild and thought Count Zachary could be a likely candidate. But that noob wasn't in! How does he expect to join the Noob guild if he doesn't show up for his (unscheduled) entrance exams? I can't believe how nooby people are today. Come on noobs! Join my guild NOWWW! (plox?)

[13:11 PM] Random Strategy appears to be working quite well.
Random Strategy reports:

Yet more evidence that Random Strategy is the winning strategy. Consider the following problem:

Your targets must die.
Now, how would you go about doing it? Most people would go out and hunt them. But Random Strategy randomly decided to ignore the targets in the hope that they would mysteriously die for no reason at all.
Indeed, here we see the results: all 3 of Random Strategy's targets have been killed at the same time. Random Strategy is succesful again!

[13:15 PM] Coors Light doesn't agree with Wichita (Julianne Joswiak)
Coors Light reports:

It is my sad duty to report the death of Julianne "The Scythe Killer" Joswiak. When she emerged from her lecture hall at around 13:15 she had no idea that this sunny November afternoon would be her last. Rounding the corner onto [STREET=REDACTED], she was shot with a banana-gun. As the red mist cleared and I saw her face pale with blood loss (rather than lack of sunlight), I realised the true horror of what I had done. What have I become?

Friday, 18 November

[09:55 AM] Chaos outside [SUBJECT-REDACTED] lectures - Discord (Andy Marsh) is downed by Mr Papaya
Mr Papaya reports:

My geoliner of death has been christened with blood!

It would be good if I could use it to draw lines in lectures again though.

Discord reports:

Oh, damn and blast! I take one trip upstairs to get a cup of coffee between lectures and instead end up with a knife in my back from Discord, and in plain view of the Umpire! Not the most dignified of deaths, I have to admit. I guess my plans to make Cambridge the capital of chaos will have to wait a little longer...

[16:50 PM] The Umpire may also have created this pseudonym but Brewy (Jack Brewster) didn't really create a good plan for attacking him.
Brewy reports:

Brewy knocks on my door. I open it, and shoot him just in time. I wish people would come visit more often.

Brewy reports:

It is with great regret that I must inform you that today at ten to five I was undone whilst trying to kill The Umpire may also have created this pseudonym. After sneaking through the tight security of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] I reached my target's door. However, due to sheer lack of thought, I neglected to raise my banana gun until after the door started to open. Before I even had a chance of shouting 'Bang' I felt white hot pain as the rubbery projectile from his elastic band gun buried itself into my skin. Alas, I am no more.

Saturday, 19 November

[10:49 AM] The Evil Scorby will no longer be terrorising the streets of Cambridge.
Scorby reports:

Scorby was preparing to set off on his quest to the dark lands of Cambridge, his trusted hawk Odin once again reported that the Ferrets Of Doom had been spotted...only this time they were coming for him. Initially, Scorby refused to believe this but Odin's eyes were never wrong! He soon heard the unmistakable scratching of their little Doomey claws as they came running up the cobbled street. Scorby drew his weapon and started shooting at the Ferrets but to no avail - being minions of The Umpire they were of course invunerable to harm. Scorby realised this and lay down to await the inevitable...the Ferrets poured over him and then he was gone. Leaving only Odin circling the spot where Scorby had once stood. He will never make it to Cambridge.

Henry R B Duke has left the game.

[12:45 PM] Le Meurtrier, Ganon and fdztxs are all super at hiding from Mega Super Ultra Extra
Mega Super Ultra Extra reports:


[14:00 PM] Nobody wants to play with Tinky Winky.
Tinky Winky reports:

This afternoon, starting at about 14:00, I went on an attempted rampage to try and secure a few kills. Sadly, my attempts were thwarted by some rather unfortunate circumstances. I first sought the incompetent, Ganon, and successfully managed to gain entry to her nigh impregnable college. I ascended the staircase to her room and noticed a female human following close behind. I suspected this could be the one I was looking for but was disappointed as she entered the wrong room. After engaging her in conversation, I learned that Ganon is away for the weekend, either that or I have been subjected to some cunning trickery.

Anyway, I decided to move on, to Mr Papaya, but although gaining entry to her college was relatively easy, her accommodation building turned out to be securely locked. I waited for a few minutes in case someone would come along and allow me entry, but sadly no luck.

I finally went to try and kill Le Meurtrier (a cunning assailant who evaded me once before), but again I found his accommodation to be locked shut. Overall, not a particularly successful day.

[17:00 PM] Le Meurtrier doesn't want to join the Noobs Guild
Aaron Domnoob reports:

The great mighty Domnoob gained entry to the staircase where the poor incompetent Le Meurtrier lived. Unfortunately, as soon as I arrived near the door to his room, some stupid nooby innocent said very loudly right in front of the door "I suppose you're here to kill Le Meurtrier " Such an epic noob! Why sabotage the mission? She will pay for her lack of treason! Unfortunately for his magnificence, Aaron Domnoob, lord of all noobs, the incompetent didn't seem to want to open his door after this (and may possibly have been out due to lack of sound from the room). So stupid! There was no sign at all that I was an assassin apart from my wanting to get into his room and the innocent's very loud voice! After getting bored, I left his puny college and returned to my epicly awesome college

[17:30 PM] Count Zachary may be stealthy, but his killer has SuperStealth.
SuperStealth reports:

Step 1: Try target's door, in a SuperStealth manner obviously (doesn't work, shocker!)
Step 2: Identify target's window, and lurk in a SuperStealth spot
Steps 3-6: ???????????? Step 7: Profit (*bang*)

Sunday, 20 November

[00:10 AM] Rory Williams and Rassilon team up with Telganistico to hunt down incos.
Rassilon reports:

After [unspecified event], 3 assassins decided to raid various colleges to see if Count Zachary, Le Meurtrier or Ganon were in. We were foiled by locked gates, as I hadn't remembered either my screwdriver or the code for one of the doors, and Telganistico had done something to his leg and couldn't get through the main gate of one of the colleges before it closed. Fail...

Rory Williams reports:

Went out with Telganistico, Rassilon and attached claws, couldn't get into [THREE-COLLEGES-REDACTED], went home, saw Weeping Angel, talked to him, got distracted and clawed his arm off to demonstrate what they're like. Not a kill, but an attackish thing.

Telganistico reports:

Today, post-ceidlih, I, Rory Williams and Rassilon attempted the killing of the incos Count Zachary, Ganon and Le Meurtrier. All attempts were unsucessful, curse colleges and their well-locked front gates! Not sure if this counts as a proper attempt given that we didn't even get into the colleges themselves, but gave it best shot.

[15:00 PM] Another bounty!

The Umpire is placing a bounty on the head of Luke Bennett, for anyone who kills him outside his room.

[21:50 PM] tacticallemon tries to tactically outmanoeuvre Green Dragon and TiddlyTom

Monday, 21 November

[10:50 AM] Tom Taylor (TiddlyTom AKA Stealth) is outstealthed by a tacticallemon
tacticallemon reports:

3rd time lucky, shot Tom Taylor this morning after a lecture!

TiddlyTom reports:

Having had the assassin (a school friend...the betrayal!) loitering outside my room last night for a considerable time without me exiting my room, I had a feeling I'd be seeing him again soon. At 11am this morning I found him again loitering outside my leacture and he made his kill using a rubber band gun, getting me in the middle of the chest.

[16:33 PM] Le Meurtrier, Green Dragon and Broi are next to feel the wrath of the DOOM ferrets.

Caspian Merlin (Le Meurtrier), Lucia Corsini (Green Dragon) and Stanislaw Klajn (Broi) have been thunderbolted from the game.
Their broken corpses tasted delicious lightly seasoned with nutmeg.

[17:15 PM] And so Morgan le Fay (Carys Jane Redman-White) was slaine by the vylain Cookie-monster
Morgan le Fay reports:

Oune dark dreare day did Morgan le Fay retourne wearie from a qveste of knowledge / She came to her castel and in her quarteres left her tomes / and ounce again came out from her qvarteres to fetch mead / She retreived it bvt dyd spy a man colecting alms / for the poure / Theye spoke breifly bvt as she tvrned to leav dyd he spy her blayd / and the vylain drouve hys owne ynto her back / and ovnce agayne he entreated her to give alms /
She sank to the floore sayeing / Thou fiend / The poure wil go hungrye todaye

Cookie-monster reports:

As a man, I'm flesh and blood. I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as the Cookie-monster... as a symbol, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting. The Cookie-monster frightens me; it's a way of making my enemies share my dread. Le Meurtrier was wearing a Cookie-monster t-shirt in his facebook profile picture. This was a vendetta! But from 1615-1645, nobody was willing to let me past the locked doors of [COLLEGE-REDACTED]

I reached [COLLEGE-REDACTED] at about 1715, and asked Morgan le Fay about the wooden dagger she was carrying. She said that it was "a long story", so I cut it short for her.

And it turns out that Le Meurtrier has tasted the ferret's judgement! Surely it's divine retribution ;)

[18:45 PM] The Lord President of Gallifrey Rassilon attempts to overrule The Shadow Proclamation
Rassilon reports:

Incompetent assassins? In my college? Although I've been inundated with Presidential paperwork, we can't have that! Unfortunately, when I arrived at The Shadow Proclamation's room he was out. I briefly staked out the gyp room, but he didn't come back. Foiled, for now...

Tuesday, 22 November

[10:00 AM] Random Strategy doesn't always work, at least not for catching Cookie-monsters.
Random Strategy reports:

Random Strategy went looking for Cookie-monster. Unfortunately, he did not appear to be in his lectures. Maybe he was so paranoid about being inco he had not gone? Maybe Random Strategy was not applying sufficent randomness? At any rate, the incompetent was not identified.

[14:00 PM] Doctor Who and Teletubbies crossovers shouldn't work...yet Tinky Winky has still killed Martha Jones.
Tinky Winky reports:

I bumped into Amy Roberts, one of my previous victims who is now police, at about 14:00 today and asked her when her incompetence deadline was. She kindly answered honestly. She is now dead. Again.

[16:00 PM] Someone has been trying to kill Morgan le Fay and Cookie-monster. And recently, meat.
And recently, meat reports:

I was embarking on my quest to the far lands of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to go after targets, when I passed [COURT-REDACTED]. I was like oh I do believe there is an inco by the name of Morgan le Fay living in [STAIRCASE-REDACTED]! This would be so much better than [COLLEGE-REDACTED], you guys.

After taking a ridiculous 10 minutes to find the staircase i took another ridiculous amount of time finding her room! Which was behind some hidden door. After hearing my dire excuse for knocking on her door she asked if i was an assassin and told me she was already dead! Oh noes.

I noticed Dalek Caan on one of the other doors but couldn't remember if they were still inco so didn't risk it. But now I see they are! That would have been much easier!

Then I was like ceebs wi [COLLEGE-REDACTED] lyks and I went to [DIFFERENT-COLLEGE-REDACTED]. I got confused about Cookie-monster's address and took like 20 minutes to find it! THen I couldn't get in and had to lurk suspiciously. Then I went home.

[23:30 PM] Rory Williams...the man who dies and dies again. This time to a Weeping Angel.

Because Gregory Andrew Weir was neither inco nor wanted and was also in an OOB area at the time of the fatal stabbing and because the non-fatal stabbing was done to the Umpire, Matt Hinks is irredeemably corrupt (by request). Let the Police War begin!

Wednesday, 23 November

[01:45 AM] Weeping Angel has been exterminated by the Cult of Skaro.
Cult of Skaro reports:

Late this evening/early this morning, at sometime around 0145, Matt Hinks, the Weeping Angel, confessed to me that he had committed the most terrible crime of stabbing the umpire.
Immediately I drew my (pen) knife and slew the traitorous wretch, not caring whether or not he was 'officially' wanted.
In his dying breath, I thought I heard the words 'What did you do that for?', but it may have been nothing but the wind in the trees.
His corpse lies where I stabbed him, somewhere along [STREET-REDACTED]; may it be a warning to others.

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