The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News

I caught up to my unsuspecting target as he was heading back to his college with a group of friends. I tailed him briefly, checking that he was traveling in the right direction to confirm his identity, then quickly drew my trusty pistol and shot him.

I love animals. Hedgehogs, dolphins, crabs, horses, bullfinches, stag beetles, dust mites, koalas, salamanders, and EVEN chinchillas.

I hate people who don't understand my love of animals. At around 4.30 this afternoon, I was at [COLLEGE-REDACTED], collecting money for the plight of the polar bears in Battersea Park Power Station, when Kyle Lam said that he "didn't understand the point of kittens", and something inside me just snapped. I drew my blade, and ran him through!

Random Strategy demonstrates his new silly weapon! Or not. Phillipe Philloppe is unfortunately sensible enough to lock his door. Fear not! Alternatives will be found!

6.40: Sakari Mesimaki gets wind that I am after him and waits in his room with a stabbing implement. I outsmart him and shoot him as he is carrying his tray out from hall.

Random Strategy really does demonstrate his silly weapon at last! Fusilli returns to his room with a friend to find a Topological Nightmare waiting for him there! After a brief pause while Random Strategy considered which of the two people in front of him he should unleash the Nightmare on, he eventually noticed that one of them had keys out, and the Nightmare pounced out of its cone towards him.

Immediately, genera (for all you non-mathmos, they're basically things that loop back to themselves with a hole in them) threw themselves over his head, got round his chest and neck, and began to squeeze tightly. The ends started covering his body like tentacles of some monstrous octopus (but with a lot more tentacles). A few of them found his nose and mouth, and began to snake their way inside his lungs and stomach. Soon, the helpless victim was unrecognisable under the mass of the Nightmare. Once it had a firm grip on the entire surface of his body, it rapidly withdrew, turning its poor victim inside out before absorbing it into its vicious and deadly coils.

Later examination proved that the victim had indeed been Andrew Bauer, and the surprised individual (still alive, if a little shocked by the scene) beside him was indeed an innocent.

Aaron Domnnoob owns some more incompetent noobs! DavidKean was first; he was foolish enough to keep his door unlocked. I was walking around [UNSPECIFIED NOOBISH COLLEGE] spamming chat with calls to join my guild, when I felt a chill come over me. What could it be? The weather? No way! The weather does not affect someone as mighty as Domnnoob! It could only be one thing: a dementor! Ha! Dementors are noobs. Having located the lair of the vile creature, I burst in and shouted "Expecto Patronum" !!! At once, my Patronus (a rabbit with a bad temper) shot out of my wand and promptly devoured the thing in the room. Pwned!!!

After this great success, the great Domnoob headed off to find ghost and pembunuh sunyi but one of them had locked his door, and the other didn't have any foolish neighbours to let me into the staircase. Lock noobs! Why don't they just leave their doors unlocked so that they may have the honour of being destroyed by one as brilliant as myself? They're avoiding my greatness using unfair tactics! One day they will pay for their slyness!

To finish up the outing, I followed a stupid innocent into the staircase of Grace Carroll, and then the innocent very kindly went straight to the door of the idiotic incompetent and started a conversation with her. What a noob! I cast the Petrificus Totallis curse on her (the inco I mean, not the innocent), and she stopped the conversation. I noticed a very nice Giant Fluffy Bird in her room, so I said "Accio Fluffy Bird" and it came to me. I then got it to attack the rigid body of the noob. Owed with her own weapons! Domnoob is surely the greatest sorcerer who ever lived! Bow before the might of Domnoob! Join his Noob Guild or be destroyed by his magnificence!

We have done it: what a week on the wanted list couldn't. Thomas Clausen is dead by the hand of brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, Christos Panayi by mine. In a bid to complete the run of trinity's incompetents, we also came to the room of TiddlyTom, but were thwarted by a peephole and a cunning play of knocks and replies, and failed to gain entry. The first kill was at around 2112, and the last at 2150.

Well, that could have gone better. After a suitably chaotic mix-up over what room my target was in, he got wind of my presence and sought to eliminate me, leading to a three-quarters of an hour standoff in which many NERF darts and action one-liners were exchanged. By the end, we had a considerable audience, whereupon I shot Benjamin Hammond (Ben) clean through the chest. Casualties of this battle included: three legs, one arm and any respect or social standing I may have had with the entirety of his staircase.

Woefull was Morgan le Fay / for she had donne nothyng in her queste for many dayes / but as she studiyed the arts of enchauntment she chaunced to hear from a fellowe scholare / named Nineve / that anothere svch stvdent / had strayed / and dyd practise the blacke arts / Alan Mitchell was hys name / He was in the verye hall where she stoode / but by chaunce or dyvination of her plannes / befoure she could follow / dyd he leave / Wroth was she / but she wovld not alow hys escaipe / So sayd she to Nineve and Pellas / let us meete at the gaytes of your castel / once nyte has fallen / Leade me to hym for he mvst be slayne /

So when darknes couvered the land / rode she with hayste to [UNSPECIFYED CASTEL] / There Pellas dyd meete her and admytted her to the castel / He svmmoned Nineve and the three dyd feast / for they wyshed to gather theyr strength / Than they cayme to the quartres of Alan Mitchell / in that saime castel / Nineve and Pellas dyd strike the doore and call out to Alan / for he was knowen to them / And wrongly dyd he trvst them / for he opened the doore and at ounce struck Morgan le Fay / with a dagger through hys hearte

He fel / gaspyng cvrses / but for hym death was swyft

At approx 6:15pm yesterday an unfaithful friend of my target and I went knocking. On opening the door, I killed my next victim with a banana gun. To add insult to (catastrophic) injury, I then left my weapon with my victim for disposal.

Last night armed with my fork I went after my most exotic sounding target, Jeeeeeps. I entered [COLLEGE-REDACTED] with my accomplice, the wannabe Welfare Minister, a member of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] himself. My accomplice knew the way so expertly lead me to my target's room. We climbed 5 floors to find his room and started knocking at his door. We got no reply but to our amazement we found out that the door was unlocked. We entered with utmost caution fearing this might be an evil scheme by Gianpiero Roscelli. We looked around his room but he was nowhere to be found so we left a note "Next time lock your door or else you die" Jeeeeeps would never get the note. As we exited the building the wannabe Welfare Minister spotted the target. Not sure that it was him we called out his name and when Gianpiero Roscelli responded with tremendous naivety and innocence I jumped him, put him against the wall and forked him.

Three attempts yesterday, one on Amun Ra of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] (1.30 p.m.), one on Le Meurtrier (1.00 p.m.) and one on Green Dragon (10 p.m.). None of them were in, so they were hardly thrilling attempts. But still, it's the thought that counts?

Yesterday I submitted this report:
"Went in search of Joshua Andrews at the far distant land of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] - after plenty suspicious loitering I managed to get in to the building. But he wasn't in!
Shanner! But competency is mine once again, bitches!"

But competency was not mine, bitches! That was somewhat embarassing.
But I tried again today (but couldn't get into building D:) and now I believe I am competent, 4 rlz dis time.

It.Is.Nether.

On fire.

When I woke up this morning I knew one thing for sure, I was going to kill someone today, I just didn't know who. First I went to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to try and kill Jeeeeeps, but unfortunately he didn't appear to be in. I waited outside his room for about 20 minutes, from around 14:10 until 14:30, in case he came back, but his persistent absence persuaded me that my time would be better spent elsewhere. I was annoyed at myself for not bringing a pen, as I thought it would be a good idea to leave him a note, but then I remembered that my state of the art knives can also double as pens, and I wrote him the message: 'Eh-Oh Your time is running out! Tinky Winky' before leaving to pursue some easier prey.

I cunningly concluded that [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED] would be a good place to go next, because it had a high concentration of incompetents and it is so far out that I thought they would not be expecting me. I did not realise however, Just. How. Far. [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED]. Is. Especially if you're walking. My plan paid off in the end though, as Ploddipop had left his door open, and fell for my ploy about being lost, only to get stabbed in the chest by my trusty knife. Sadly the other three [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED] incompetents did not appear to be in. Either that or they realised that the 45 minute walk from central Cambridge was not enough to protect them from the legendary stamina of a teletubby, and used their locked door for the task instead. It didn't matter though, as the fresh blood of Sam Peat was enough to sustain me on my long trek back.

This evening Morgan and I went to dispatch of common targets at [COURT-REDACTED]. Unfortunately after looking like robbers and being quizzed by one of the students there, neither were in. On the way back to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] we stopped off at [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED] and claimed one kill each - Shahhaziq (Shah) Shahari was my victim. He was promptly despatched with a nerf gun.

at 9:00 i and my collaborator Zop the Exploding Beetroot crept into the woefully insecure collage of the incompetent ghost and waited until someone opened the door of their accommodation at which point i dodged in and knocked on his door he opened promptly with little cation and paid the ultimate price. I do this in honor of the recently deceased Ploddipop who died tragically today at the hands of a cold blooded killer who also made an attempt on my life later the same day. within minuets my partner also made his kill of the night and we left having rid the collage of its incompetence.

With fdztxs, I went on an inco hunt. First on the list was snake, but we failed to locate the staircase. We moved on to take another attempt at Didn't submit a pseudonym, who was out (again). Frustrated, we decided to go elsewhere, trying to locate (and kill) Brandy in [COLLEGE-REDACTED], but it transpired that we both suck at navigating and ended up on the wrong site.

The frustration of failure made me seek out a ferret to take my anger out on, but the alleged 'ferrets of DOOM' were nowhere to be found.

Another incofail with 'Tis but a flesh wound'. We couldn't find snake's staircase. Didn't submit a pseudonym was out again. As for Brandy, never mind the staircase - we couldn't find the bloody building. Mental note to bring a map next time.

Having consulted a map, I went to the real address of Brandy, where I was mocked by a 4ft tall card-operated gate guarded by a group of students discussing their recent conquests.

"Brandy! Brandy!"
"alright, say when"
"more"
"say when"
"more!"

At around half 10 this evening, I killed Andrew Harland, again with the killing curse.