Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News

Wednesday, 9 November

[04:00 AM] Week 4...

Go and kill more people. Or I shall send my ferrets of DOOM after you!!!
The game.

[09:01 AM] A Wandering Minstrel (Nicholas (Nick) Caldwell) gets eaten by Wichita
A Wandering Minstrel reports:

On my way into lectures this morning an unknown assailant pulled a banana on me, said bang, and put it away again. I looked at her, dazed. She inquired: "Nicholas (Nick) Caldwell?" I answered "Yes." She nodded and walked out of the building. She was smooooooooth. I was strangely pleased with this event. It felt good to be killed by someone who understands the nature of the game. Not like the vagabonds, the curs, the ruffians, the (dare I say it?) very unpleasant people who laid siege to my room for half an hour last night, waking my neighbours and causing general distress with their persistent idiocy. I am immensely satisfied that none of them killed me in the end. Thank you, unknown assailant. On a related note, I have been carrying a reward for my eventual killer for over two weeks. This morning's smooooooooth kill happened so quickly and with such surprise on my part that I forgot about it, and she walked away rewardless. If she reads the assassins news, and wants it, I assume she knows how to find me.

[12:00 PM] Count Zachary puts a stop to Raver's (Ravinda Gunaratne) endless partying.
Count Zachary reports:

I caught up to my unsuspecting target as he was heading back to his college with a group of friends. I tailed him briefly, checking that he was traveling in the right direction to confirm his identity, then quickly drew my trusty pistol and shot him.

[16:30 PM] Phillipe Philloppe's (Kyle Lam) vital status is flipped to dead by the Cookie-monster
Cookie-monster reports:

I love animals. Hedgehogs, dolphins, crabs, horses, bullfinches, stag beetles, dust mites, koalas, salamanders, and EVEN chinchillas.

I hate people who don't understand my love of animals. At around 4.30 this afternoon, I was at [COLLEGE-REDACTED], collecting money for the plight of the polar bears in Battersea Park Power Station, when Kyle Lam said that he "didn't understand the point of kittens", and something inside me just snapped. I drew my blade, and ran him through!

[17:25 PM] Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart gets rid of the incompetent This was also made up by the Umpire (Stefan Liam Arun Nigam)
Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart reports:

About my daily comings and goings, I happened to pass by the room of Stefan Liam Arun Nigam. Remembering I had my trusty weapon with me, I decided to try a devious plan, consisting of knocking on the door and hoping he was in. By a jolly good stroke of good luck he was, and is now very much dead.

[18:00 PM] A Random Strategy is not the best way to find Phillipe Philloppe
Random Strategy reports:

Random Strategy demonstrates his new silly weapon! Or not. Phillipe Philloppe is unfortunately sensible enough to lock his door. Fear not! Alternatives will be found!

[18:40 PM] Tiny continues their killing spree, adding Perkele (Sakari Mesimaki) to the list of corpses.
Tiny reports:

6.40: Sakari Mesimaki gets wind that I am after him and waits in his room with a stabbing implement. I outsmart him and shoot him as he is carrying his tray out from hall.

[21:00 PM] The Brigadier finds that HAL OGEN is already dead...blast!
Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart reports:

Emboldened by my earlier success, I decided to attack the incompetent Harry Wright. Employing the same tactic as before, I was rewarded by my intended victim opening the door and immediately shot him in the heart.

However in the amicable chat that followed my cold-blooded attack, he told me that he had been brutally murdered the day previously. Surprised and disappointed, I returned to my room to reflect on the next target.

Thursday, 10 November

[13:00 PM] Fusilli (Andrew Bauer) becomes fatally entangled in Random Strategy's latest invention.
Random Strategy reports:

Random Strategy really does demonstrate his silly weapon at last! Fusilli returns to his room with a friend to find a Topological Nightmare waiting for him there! After a brief pause while Random Strategy considered which of the two people in front of him he should unleash the Nightmare on, he eventually noticed that one of them had keys out, and the Nightmare pounced out of its cone towards him.

Immediately, genera (for all you non-mathmos, they're basically things that loop back to themselves with a hole in them) threw themselves over his head, got round his chest and neck, and began to squeeze tightly. The ends started covering his body like tentacles of some monstrous octopus (but with a lot more tentacles). A few of them found his nose and mouth, and began to snake their way inside his lungs and stomach. Soon, the helpless victim was unrecognisable under the mass of the Nightmare. Once it had a firm grip on the entire surface of his body, it rapidly withdrew, turning its poor victim inside out before absorbing it into its vicious and deadly coils.

Later examination proved that the victim had indeed been Andrew Bauer, and the surprised individual (still alive, if a little shocked by the scene) beside him was indeed an innocent.


[13:15 PM] Aaron Domnoob goes out noob-pwning. DavidKean (Alex Jackman) and The Jazzy Hippogriff (Grace Carroll) are pwned.
Aaron Domnoob reports:

Aaron Domnnoob owns some more incompetent noobs! DavidKean was first; he was foolish enough to keep his door unlocked. I was walking around [UNSPECIFIED NOOBISH COLLEGE] spamming chat with calls to join my guild, when I felt a chill come over me. What could it be? The weather? No way! The weather does not affect someone as mighty as Domnnoob! It could only be one thing: a dementor! Ha! Dementors are noobs. Having located the lair of the vile creature, I burst in and shouted "Expecto Patronum" !!! At once, my Patronus (a rabbit with a bad temper) shot out of my wand and promptly devoured the thing in the room. Pwned!!!

After this great success, the great Domnoob headed off to find ghost and pembunuh sunyi but one of them had locked his door, and the other didn't have any foolish neighbours to let me into the staircase. Lock noobs! Why don't they just leave their doors unlocked so that they may have the honour of being destroyed by one as brilliant as myself? They're avoiding my greatness using unfair tactics! One day they will pay for their slyness!

To finish up the outing, I followed a stupid innocent into the staircase of Grace Carroll, and then the innocent very kindly went straight to the door of the idiotic incompetent and started a conversation with her. What a noob! I cast the Petrificus Totallis curse on her (the inco I mean, not the innocent), and she stopped the conversation. I noticed a very nice Giant Fluffy Bird in her room, so I said "Accio Fluffy Bird" and it came to me. I then got it to attack the rigid body of the noob. Owed with her own weapons! Domnoob is surely the greatest sorcerer who ever lived! Bow before the might of Domnoob! Join his Noob Guild or be destroyed by his magnificence!

DavidKean reports:

I am dead. I worked out it was Aaron Domnoob instantly. Being killed by 'Expecto Patronum' is not dignified, especially in the knowledge I'll feature as a noob in "The Domnoob Report" (as it should now be known). Had it coming, what with not bothering to de-inco, lock my door, carry a knife, or kill the inco who lives basically next door. No doubt in a hurry to continue his 3pic Pwn4ag3 of sprinting into noobs' rooms with many 3pic w34pons, Aaron Domnoob left without revealing Anything At All. I can't even make him a friend on facebook (another bad idea for an assassin), as I don't know his real name. How sad. A warning to incos. SOME PEOPLE ARE STILL PLAYING! Good luck! Alex Jackman aka DavidKean.

The Jazzy Hippogriff reports:

Doooh, got killed today. Aaron Domnoob followed my friend in through the door and cast a stun spell on me. Even in the face of death I can appreciate a good Harry Potter reference, and it became obvious to me that I wasn't going to get a chance to use the Giant Killer Angry Bird plush that I had prepared for my own targets before I drew my last breath. I offered it to my killer so they could at least finish me off in an interesting way (Death by pen? Pshaw, give me death by pop culture reference anyday).

I REGRET NOTHING! (except not locking my door. Yeah. Suppose I do kinda regret that in retrospect)

[15:00 PM] Joshua Andrews appears not to be fond of papaya...
Mr Papaya reports:

Went in search of Joshua Andrews at the far distant land of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] - after plenty suspicious loitering I managed to get in to the building. But he wasn't in!

[17:25 PM] Geekslashfool (Will Lawn) was foolish to allow Oodfficer Sigma to enter his room
Oodfficer Sigma reports:

This afternoon (17:25) I claimed my third victim. I'd noted the location of this incompetent's room, and had checked on it several times previously but to no avail. Passing nearby I saw that the light in the room was on and seized my chance. I ran up to the room and claimed to be late for a supervision. Though suspicious at first, the occupant soon relaxed as I misquoted their room number and pretended to be lost. As their guard dropped, I pulled my knife out from up my sleeve and delivered a fatal wound to the stomach. They swayed and looked up, and with his last breath they asked "Am I dead?". After a few seconds their heart stopped and Will Lawn's last question had been answered.

[21:12 PM] Commander Keen (Thomas Clausen) is killed by the keen police officer, Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, assisted by tacticallemon who kills Mantis (Christos Panayi)
tacticallemon reports:

We have done it: what a week on the wanted list couldn't. Thomas Clausen is dead by the hand of brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, Christos Panayi by mine. In a bid to complete the run of trinity's incompetents, we also came to the room of TiddlyTom, but were thwarted by a peephole and a cunning play of knocks and replies, and failed to gain entry. The first kill was at around 2112, and the last at 2150.

Commander Keen reports:

One week of surviving as the only person on the wanted list made me careless and haughty. Maybe I thought that my Sir-Roger-Moore-signed rubberbandgun would protect me, maybe I thought that the blood of past assassins would deter any further slayers. At the end, I even thought that I would be safe being incompetent. I thought that there was no need for a fully loaded storm, but that a rubberbandgun would be enough.
Well, pride goes before a fall and a well-aimed shot into my chest this evening at 21.50 was the end.

Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart reports:

Meeting a certain zesty gentleman, we decided to go hunting for incompetents in [COLLEGE-REDACTED].

Slipping through the gate we promptly got lost. However using the dark arts and/including teamwork, tacticallemon slew Mantis with the killing curse at 21:45. We then attempted to find TiddlyTom, only to be frustrated by an undecipherable door knocking code. Finally we came to the room of the deadly Commander Keen. After knocking on the wrong door, he emerged and I shot him dead during a short gun battle at 21:55.

Friday, 11 November

[18:00 PM] Discord causes chaos by killing Chanandler Bong (Benjamin Hammond (Ben))
Discord reports:

Well, that could have gone better. After a suitably chaotic mix-up over what room my target was in, he got wind of my presence and sought to eliminate me, leading to a three-quarters of an hour standoff in which many NERF darts and action one-liners were exchanged. By the end, we had a considerable audience, whereupon I shot Benjamin Hammond (Ben) clean through the chest. Casualties of this battle included: three legs, one arm and any respect or social standing I may have had with the entirety of his staircase.

[18:05 PM] Morgan le Fay hath slaine The Dark beast known as Alan Mitchell
Morgan le Fay reports:

Woefull was Morgan le Fay / for she had donne nothyng in her queste for many dayes / but as she studiyed the arts of enchauntment she chaunced to hear from a fellowe scholare / named Nineve / that anothere svch stvdent / had strayed / and dyd practise the blacke arts / Alan Mitchell was hys name / He was in the verye hall where she stoode / but by chaunce or dyvination of her plannes / befoure she could follow / dyd he leave / Wroth was she / but she wovld not alow hys escaipe / So sayd she to Nineve and Pellas / let us meete at the gaytes of your castel / once nyte has fallen / Leade me to hym for he mvst be slayne /

So when darknes couvered the land / rode she with hayste to [UNSPECIFYED CASTEL] / There Pellas dyd meete her and admytted her to the castel / He svmmoned Nineve and the three dyd feast / for they wyshed to gather theyr strength / Than they cayme to the quartres of Alan Mitchell / in that saime castel / Nineve and Pellas dyd strike the doore and call out to Alan / for he was knowen to them / And wrongly dyd he trvst them / for he opened the doore and at ounce struck Morgan le Fay / with a dagger through hys hearte

He fel / gaspyng cvrses / but for hym death was swyft

[18:15 PM] Mr X (David Green) is outstealthed by Stealth.
Mr X reports:

Early this evening I was just finishing off some work when the doorbell rang. Not wanting to take any chances I looked out of the window and saw a fellow [SUBJECT-REDACTED] there. I was quite relieved to see someone I could definitely trust; a true friend, or so I thought. I cordially opened the door only to have someone jump out at me, start waving a banana and shout 'bang'.

Stealth reports:

At approx 6:15pm yesterday an unfaithful friend of my target and I went knocking. On opening the door, I killed my next victim with a banana gun. To add insult to (catastrophic) injury, I then left my weapon with my victim for disposal.

[21:00 PM] The Government forks over another victim (Gianpiero Roscelli).
The Government reports:

Last night armed with my fork I went after my most exotic sounding target, Jeeeeeps. I entered [COLLEGE-REDACTED] with my accomplice, the wannabe Welfare Minister, a member of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] himself. My accomplice knew the way so expertly lead me to my target's room. We climbed 5 floors to find his room and started knocking at his door. We got no reply but to our amazement we found out that the door was unlocked. We entered with utmost caution fearing this might be an evil scheme by Gianpiero Roscelli. We looked around his room but he was nowhere to be found so we left a note "Next time lock your door or else you die" Jeeeeeps would never get the note. As we exited the building the wannabe Welfare Minister spotted the target. Not sure that it was him we called out his name and when Gianpiero Roscelli responded with tremendous naivety and innocence I jumped him, put him against the wall and forked him.

Saturday, 12 November

[13:00 PM] Le Meurtrier, Green Dragon and Amun Ra don't want any Brandy.
Brandy reports:

Three attempts yesterday, one on Amun Ra of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] (1.30 p.m.), one on Le Meurtrier (1.00 p.m.) and one on Green Dragon (10 p.m.). None of them were in, so they were hardly thrilling attempts. But still, it's the thought that counts?

[14:00 PM] Mr Papaya still can't kill Joshua Andrews, though not through lack of trying.
Mr Papaya reports:

Yesterday I submitted this report:
"Went in search of Joshua Andrews at the far distant land of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] - after plenty suspicious loitering I managed to get in to the building. But he wasn't in!
Shanner! But competency is mine once again, bitches!"

But competency was not mine, bitches! That was somewhat embarassing.
But I tried again today (but couldn't get into building D:) and now I believe I am competent, 4 rlz dis time.

[16:45 PM] Mega Super Ultra Extra makes Marvin the Paranoid Android (Robert John Seaton) so depressed he dies.
Mega Super Ultra Extra reports:


Marvin the Paranoid Android reports:

At last! Someone finally gave me the end that I crave. I have been freed from the pain in the diodes down my left side...
Well, this is very depressing. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they expect me to wander the afterlife for all eternity...

[18:10 PM] Amun Ra has killed a Snake (Harrison Roocroft)
Amun Ra reports:

On fire.

Sunday, 13 November

[15:45 PM] Tinky Winky says "Eh-oh" to Ploddipop (Sam Peat)...with a knife.
Tinky Winky reports:

When I woke up this morning I knew one thing for sure, I was going to kill someone today, I just didn't know who. First I went to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to try and kill Jeeeeeps, but unfortunately he didn't appear to be in. I waited outside his room for about 20 minutes, from around 14:10 until 14:30, in case he came back, but his persistent absence persuaded me that my time would be better spent elsewhere. I was annoyed at myself for not bringing a pen, as I thought it would be a good idea to leave him a note, but then I remembered that my state of the art knives can also double as pens, and I wrote him the message: 'Eh-Oh Your time is running out! Tinky Winky' before leaving to pursue some easier prey.

I cunningly concluded that [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED] would be a good place to go next, because it had a high concentration of incompetents and it is so far out that I thought they would not be expecting me. I did not realise however, Just. How. Far. [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED]. Is. Especially if you're walking. My plan paid off in the end though, as Ploddipop had left his door open, and fell for my ploy about being lost, only to get stabbed in the chest by my trusty knife. Sadly the other three [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED] incompetents did not appear to be in. Either that or they realised that the 45 minute walk from central Cambridge was not enough to protect them from the legendary stamina of a teletubby, and used their locked door for the task instead. It didn't matter though, as the fresh blood of Sam Peat was enough to sustain me on my long trek back.

[21:00 PM] Zop the Exploding Beetroot and Morgan team up and get one kill each - pembunuh sunyi (Shahhaziq (Shah) Shahari) and ghost (Sharukh Malik).
Zop the Exploding Beetroot reports:

This evening Morgan and I went to dispatch of common targets at [COURT-REDACTED]. Unfortunately after looking like robbers and being quizzed by one of the students there, neither were in. On the way back to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] we stopped off at [OTHER-COLLEGE-REDACTED] and claimed one kill each - Shahhaziq (Shah) Shahari was my victim. He was promptly despatched with a nerf gun.

Morgan reports:

at 9:00 i and my collaborator Zop the Exploding Beetroot crept into the woefully insecure collage of the incompetent ghost and waited until someone opened the door of their accommodation at which point i dodged in and knocked on his door he opened promptly with little cation and paid the ultimate price. I do this in honor of the recently deceased Ploddipop who died tragically today at the hands of a cold blooded killer who also made an attempt on my life later the same day. within minuets my partner also made his kill of the night and we left having rid the collage of its incompetence.

Monday, 14 November

[19:05 PM] The double-act of 'Tis but a flesh wound' and fdztxs are at it again!
'Tis but a flesh wound' reports:

With fdztxs, I went on an inco hunt. First on the list was snake, but we failed to locate the staircase. We moved on to take another attempt at Didn't submit a pseudonym, who was out (again). Frustrated, we decided to go elsewhere, trying to locate (and kill) Brandy in [COLLEGE-REDACTED], but it transpired that we both suck at navigating and ended up on the wrong site.

The frustration of failure made me seek out a ferret to take my anger out on, but the alleged 'ferrets of DOOM' were nowhere to be found.

fdztxs reports:

Another incofail with 'Tis but a flesh wound'. We couldn't find snake's staircase. Didn't submit a pseudonym was out again. As for Brandy, never mind the staircase - we couldn't find the bloody building. Mental note to bring a map next time.

[23:30 PM] fdztxs has another go at finding Brandy
fdztxs reports:

Having consulted a map, I went to the real address of Brandy, where I was mocked by a 4ft tall card-operated gate guarded by a group of students discussing their recent conquests.

Tuesday, 15 November

[13:09 PM] tejogol (Terence Goldberg) doesn't like Brandy very much.

[18:35 PM] What happens when you combine I have no need for a Pseudonym cos I am going inco with Brandy? Brandy (Brendan Clifford) dies.
I have no need for a Pseudonym cos I am going inco reports:

"Brandy! Brandy!"
"alright, say when"
"say when"

[19:20 PM] The Brigadier attempts to bring Coors Light to justice.
Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart reports:

With an accomplice in tow, I went to bring Coors Light to justice. We located his room easily, but he stubbornly refused to open the door.

After a while, a neighbour came out to look at us. Recognising the futility of the situation and not wanting to injure the "innocent" should the suspect appear, we agreed the best course of action was a tactical retreat.

[21:20 PM] Ganon doesn't get killed...The Umpire may also have created this pseudonym
Ganon reports:

I try to make [COLLEGE-REDACTED] incompetent-free. No one answers my knock on Ganon's door. Perhaps I am incompetent.

[22:30 PM] The killing curse seems to be a good tactic for a tacticallemon, less so for Joshua Andrews (Andrew Harland)
tacticallemon reports:

At around half 10 this evening, I killed Andrew Harland, again with the killing curse.

Joshua Andrews reports:

Joshua Andrew's death was spelled..... A-V-A-D-A-K-E-D-A-V-R-A

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