Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 6 News

Wednesday, 23 November

[04:00 AM] Week 6 begins...

If you don't all kill each other, the Umpire's DOOM ferrets will morph into an eldritch abomination much like the one below.
Aww. Isn't it cute...look at its sweet little tenta-ARGH IT'S IN MY HEAD!!!

[10:00 AM] The Government tries to ban Zop the Exploding Beetroot
The Government reports:

Today I made an attempt to kill Zop the Exploding Beetroot who is on the incompetent list. He is a [SUBJECT-REDACTED] student so we share 2 lectures. He was easy to find but hard to kill due to the no kills in lecture rooms rule! I spotted him at the start of the lecture. I had a picture of him but to make things more difficult there was another person who looked exactly like him. I got my accomplice, the Swiss Foreign Minister, to pretend she was his new supervision partner so I could check it was him. She verified it was him but maybe that made him suspicious cause he wouldn't leave the lecture room. I waited for a bit after more than hour of observing him during lecture but had to go to a practical so failed to kill him. No worries I'll get him next time!

[12:10 PM] Random Strategy's choice of tactic leads to a standoff between him and Cookie-monster
Random Strategy reports:

Week 6 blues! Random Strategy is in serious need of a cookie.
After the previous day's attempt at getting a cookie had failed, Random Strategy 's random strategy this time was to wait near the room rather than at the lectures like last time. Helped by an innocent, he managed to enter the building where the incompetent with the cookies lived, and soon learnt (when a cleaning lady attempted to enter the room) that he was not in. While he was waiting for his competence to charge, he spotted a rather interesting piece of paper with [unspecified contents] on a neighbour's door. He got so engrossed by this that he didn't notice the Cookie-monster returning until he was right in front of him.
At this point, the Cookie-monster also noticed a suspicious looking person standing near his door, and fled back down the stairs. Fearing the Cookie-monster would return to his room via a different route (there were two different ways to get to his room), Random Strategy decided to stay there, guarding both. But the one with the holy cookies of goodliness did not return. Random Strategy left the building, feeling dejected and cookie-less.
Now by some not-at-all-strange-actually-due-to-use-of-random-strategy coincidence, it appeared the Cookie-monster had decided to hide right next to Random Strategy's bike. Then there was a standoff, with the Cookie-monster wanting Random Strategy to get out of the way so that he might return to his realm of cookiness, while Random Strategy wanted the Cookie-monster out of the way so that he might get to his bike (although the Cookie-monster did not know this). They had a pleasant chat about competence and Topological Nightmares during this time, and it was revealed that yet another of Random Strategy's incompetent targets had been killed.
Eventually, Random Strategy randomly decided to kamikaze-charge the Cookie-monster. A few shots were fired by both parties but missed (which made it quite a failed kamikaze-charge by any standards), and Cookie-monster fled into [UNSPECIFIED CARD-LOCKED BUILDING]. Random Strategy could not get in, so left cookieless and hungry.

Cookie-monster reports:

Today i met an assassin claiming to be Random Strategy. Unfortunately for him, my fleeing strategy proved effective on this occasion. Better luck next time, and watch out for the Gambler's Fallacy!

[13:30 PM] More Doctor Who and Teletubbies crossovers! This time Tinky Winky teams up with Oodfficer Sigma to hunt down incos (unsuccessfully).
Tinky Winky reports:

Determined to get some kills, Oodfficer Sigma and I set out on a quest from about 13:30 this afternoon to significantly reduce the size of the incompetent list. Sadly, luck was not on our side today, and our craving for blood was left unsatisfied. We first headed to the room of Ganon, but she unfortunately did not seem to be in. We then headed for the room of Morgan le Fay, working on the basis that with a name of that length she should be worth at least two kills. However, when we got there we were reliably informed that she had already been killed a couple of days earlier. We then went to the room of fdztxs, but he too was not in, and finally we went to the room of Amun Ra. We initially knocked on the door of one of his neighbours to try and seek assistance in gaining entry to his room, but she had too much misplaced loyalty for the incompetent assassin, and refused to help. We then found that Amun Ra was not in anyway, so it was all a waste of time. After that we would have continued, but Oodfficer Sigma had an important supervision to get to, so the incompetent slaying was postponed to another day.

Oodfficer Sigma reports:

From 1:30 we started weapons prep (I now am in possession of a throwable piano), and by 1:40 we were on the hunt.
The first target was Ganon at [COLLEGE-REDACTED], she was out but her room mate promised she'd raise the alarm against us.
Next was Morgan le Fay at [COLLEGE-REDACTED], this time we discovered that she'd drawn weapons in the presence of other assassins only yesterday and hadn't survived the occasion.
Third came fdztxs at [COLLEGE-REDACTED], no one answered our call, but I was fairly sure a computer was running inside.
Last was Amun Ra at [COLLEGE-REDACTED], this time we were confronted with too many people, 3 guys where hanging out in the room next door, one seemed slightly shy when we asked after Amun Ra and the others seemed amused, but this is not enough evidence for a death sentence. So sadly, we returned with our weapons still sheathed to fight another day.

[18:00 PM] Ganon, Amun Ra and fdztxs should all be very careful not to blink...there's a Weeping Angel after them.

[23:40 PM] Mega Super Ultra Extra attempts to rget rid of Amun Ra and fdztxs
Mega Super Ultra Extra reports:


Thursday, 24 November

[09:00 AM] Zop the Exploding Beetroot (Matt Kingston) becomes the latest victim of The Government
The Government reports:

I told you I would get him. After failing to kill Zop the Exploding Beetroot on Tuesday morning I was back for more. I employed my accomplice, the Swiss Foreign Minister, to keep watch and alert me when Matt Kingston was on sight. He walked in and whilst he realised last time I was after him, walked past me with immense naivety, typical of his [COLLEGE-REDACTED] origins. I walked up to him and with a swift move slit his throat leaving him to bleed to death. In what was at least 10 minutes of bleeding, I introduced myself and made sure he knew that this was not personal. That's just how The Government works.

[09:55 AM] No beetroots for Tinky Winky, Zop the Exploding Beetroot is already dead.
Tinky Winky reports:

I had done my homework and discovered Zop the Exploding Beetroot's subjects, appearance and timetable, and so I headed to the [DEPARTMENT-REDACTED] this morning to try and end him after his lecture. I was not happy to find however that he had already been finished off by someone else just an hour earlier. Whoever stole my kill be warned, a teletubby never forgets.

[17:10 PM] 'Tis but a flesh wound'! Though MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken can't find him or Amun Ra...

[17:45 PM] Amun Ra (Sam Miller) is outstealthed by SuperStealth
SuperStealth reports:

60% of the time, SuperStealth works every time :)

Friday, 25 November

[01:06 AM] Ganon (Nicola (Nicky) Wood) has been eaten by one of the Umpire's pet ferrets.

Nicola (Nicky) Wood has been thunderbolted from the game.
The ferrets says she was "crunchy, and could maybe have done with a bit more ketchup".

[11:00 AM] Weeping Angel finally wins the staring contest between him and fdztxs (Viktor Konstantinov)
fdztxs reports:

I am dead.
Around 11am Weeping Angel knocked, I opened, he stabbed me, I was in a too confused state of mind to offer him cookies.
On the plus side, I was probably going to miss my supervision if he hadn't woken me up.

Weeping Angel reports:

Umpire has dead Incos

[13:20 PM] Tinky Winky (Toby Crisford) says tubby bye byes as Oodfficer Sigma stabs him.
Tinky Winky reports:

Due to my targets and the incompetents repeatedly using the dirty tactic of not being in whenever I decided to visit, I sadly went incompetent this morning. This was a problem, as the police officer Oodfficer Sigma lives 2 doors away from me. My only hope was to kill him first, because by luck he too had gone incompetent at the same time. As I left for a [SUBJECT-REDACTED] practical at 13:20 this afternoon, I saw Oodfficer Sigma on the stairs! He didn't seem to have noticed me, so I hastily grabbed my knife and began to approach him. I hadn't had time to properly think things through though, and he saw me and asked what I was doing, tricking me into informing him that we were now both incompetent. A thrilling chase ensued, as I tried to escape. I ascended to the fourth floor and hid round a corner before throwing a knife at him and missing. He then responded in kind, and with a beautifully aimed shot, knocked off my arm. With my remaining arm I hastily threw my remaining knives, but Oodfficer Sigma's patience turned out to be the superior strategy, as he was now armed while I was not. Cornered and defenceless, I could only stand helplessly as he delivered the fatal blow. It was my turn to say tubby bye byes.

Oodfficer Sigma reports:

I believed that me and Tinky Winky had earned a fresh batch of competence for our combined 1 hour attempt a few days back, and so had my guard down. As I walked back up to my room I heard a noise below me and turned around.

He looked strange, wearing an odd smile that was somewhere between regret and manic aggression.

I asked him how he was doing, feeling uneasy but not knowing why. He said that he was late to a lab, but then added, almost as an afterthought, that we'd both gone incompetent. I immediately realised that our large number of small attempts hadn't added up for the umpire and that only one of us could walk away from this, but attempted to casually ask how he thought it'd happen to distract from the hand reaching into my pocket to check for a weapon.

It didn't work, he saw me and began to run, I quickly pursued him. He was still ahead of me as we reached a staircase, he went up, gaining the height advantage which in addition to the fact that he had three times as many knives as I did caused me to doubt whether I'd survive the encounter. But then he ran, I threw a knife which missed, giving him enough time to hide behind a sloped wall.

In what turned out to be the final necessary lucky turn in my favour, I could see him hiding as I approached. I threw my knife, which missed but made him panic and throw his back wildly. I scooped his knife up from the floor and managed to get his good hand, leaving him defenceless as I closed in for the kill.

I'm unsure if there's anyone left alive at my college now, certainly the game feels lonelier than it did before, but I guess that's the price you pay for survival.

[18:00 PM] My other pseudonym starts with a T...the number of assassins he tried to kill also begins with a T.
My other pseudonym starts with a T reports:

Went looking for MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken outside his staircase and stayed there for an hour. I didn't see him unfortunately. I then went over to 'Tis but a flesh wound' but the light was off so I left immediately. I saw that the light in fdztxs's room was on so waited outside it for half an hour but he didn't leave during that time.

MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken reports:

I saw My other pseudonym starts with a T lurking ominously near my room, so I applied MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken Strategy

[23:00 PM] A thrilling chase after [UNSPECIFIED-SOCIETY] as Rory Williams attempts to stab a fleeing Telganistico
Telganistico reports:

Rory Williams tried to catch me and and stab him, but my bionic movement device overpowered Rory Williams's fleshy legs.

Monday, 28 November

[11:00 AM] Rory Williams has defeated the evil James Peter Stuart Robson (Telganistico AKA Killer Bug 1 AKA D. Mendeleev, The Chemistry Bro)
Telganistico reports:

So. This morning I arrived to lectures knowing that my death must soon cometh, and, indeed, though I tried to hide from Rory Williams by sitting in a different place he spotted me and sat in a nearby seat. One hour of [TOPIC-REDACTED] went by. Then, during the break, after talking with Rory Williams, I needed the loo. I realized that this was it, this was the time. There was no way I could survive this: I had no projectile wheras Rory Williams had a fuzzy eldritch abomination. I told him I was about to leave, and ran for it. Cthulhu clipped me on the shoulder, and the life drained from my body. Good game, I said. Then I went to the loo and then more [SUBJECT-REDACTED] happened at my face for an hour.

Rory Williams reports:

I saw what appeared to be a deadly yet incompetent Telganistico in [UNSPECIFIED LECTURE]. I got close and engaged it in conversation, at which point it claimed to need the toilet. Expecting some kind of nefarious plot, I was on my toes when it dashed out and chased it, expelling a tentacled beast from my hand to catch it in the back and slay it.

[12:15 PM] My other pseudonym starts with a T has some pizza, but no MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken.
My other pseudonym starts with a T reports:

Ate a pizza outside MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken's staircase (it did not have chicken on unfortunately). Finished the pizza, and continued waiting. If he saw me this time, I deserve to be shot and wish he would have done it (it would have been more interesting). Annoyingly, quite a few innocents looked suspiciously like MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken which caused unnecessary sneaking around rechecking their identity only to discover that they were not in fact the target. Very boring.

[17:30 PM] And recently, meat has been attempting to kill a tacticallemon
And recently, meat reports:

I present my report in the noble form of a haiku -

Target not in, but
Lemon on door, kitchen roll
on the ceiling - why?

[17:45 PM] There's a killer MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken on the loose! Craig Newbold's dying words - 'Tis but a flesh wound'
MegaSuperUltraExtraChicken reports:

'Tis but a peck, but 'tis a MegaSuperUltraExtra peck!

[23:40 PM] Mega Super Ultra Extra may be super but he isn't SuperStealth.
Mega Super Ultra Extra reports:


Tuesday, 29 November

[00:47 AM] Another bounty!
Luke Bennett reports:

I hereby place the following bounty on all incos:
1 cookie for the kill of an inco by a live player
2 cookies for the kill of an inco by a policeman
bonus cookie if the inco is at girton/homerton/other far away place

[08:30 AM] fdztxxs goes after the morning.
fdztxxs reports:

Went to intercept Nightfingers leaving home for lectures this morning. But he's a late riser, and I had to leave to get to my own lectures.

[12:00 PM] Double-kill! Rory Williams has slain the Cookie-monster (Jonathan Bootle) but dies heroically in the process (again).
Random Strategy reports:

The Cookie-monster was once again incompetent. And this time Random Strategy managed to enlist the help of Rory Williams to catch him. After lectures, both charged out of the lecture hall faster than the Cookie-monster (who, the previous day, had managed to escape very fast indeed) . They stared guarding each of the doors to the lecture theatre. Eventually, the Cookie-monster tried to escape by passing through the door Rory Williams was guarding (Random Strategy was apparently far too scary) and they double-killed each other. The loot the Cookie-monster dropped tasted really good!

[13:00 PM] Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart attempts to disband The Shadow Proclamation
Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart reports:

Today I made an attempt on the incompetent Police Officer The Shadow Proclamation at 1pm, after an hour long lecture. Unfortunately the target was thought discretion was the better part of valour and fled with alarming alacrity. I gave chase but lost sight of him near his college.

[18:28 PM] Open Season!!

[19:30 PM] Police Raid!! (entirely unsuccessful)
Rassilon reports:

Although I waited quite a while, only the Brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart turned up for the police raid. After a quick phone call to Rory Williams determined that he was still recovering from an attack by vampires, we set off.
Coors Light appeared to be out.
We couldn't even get into Mr Papaya's staircase in Unheard-of College. Something unfortunate nearly happened though- as we were entering the college, someone asked if we were looking for Mr Papaya. We said we were, and were told "she's in there", pointing to a party. I'd drawn my gun before I realised that we should probably ask which Mr Papaya it was- it was the wrong one.
The Brigadier then left, and I headed for Unobtrusive College. I met Weeping Angel on the way, so we decided to put aside our differences (to be honest, I hadn't checked the wanted list!) and make an attempt on Mega Super Ultra Extra in the interest of ending the game. We got into his house, his lights were on, but he didn't open the door.
I then went on to Unobtrusive alone- but The Government was also out.

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