Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

Wednesday, 2 November

[03:00 AM] Week 3 commences. Here is a chinchilla.

The chinchilla wants you to kill people. He will become sad if you don't.
Look at his eyes. Look at his sad, sad eyes.

[11:30 AM] Cookie-monster goes looking for fdztxs, with some truly awful background music.
Cookie-monster reports:

1130: Listened to some calming music (Take That) to turn myself into a cool, efficient killing machine :) and also to Justin Bieber, Baby because I am a huge fan of his. I looked in the mirror. I saw pride. I saw power. I saw a bad-ass mother who wouldn't take no crap off nobody! :D

1200: Thoroughly psyched, I arrived at [COLLEGE-REDACTED] in order to lie in wait for my target as he returned from his lectures. I waited outside his room and listened to some Enrique Inglesias (!!) in order to pass the time ^_^

1225: Disaster! While midway through Just Haven't Met You Yet, Michael Bublé (!!1!), my iPod battery ran out! o.O ! Without the dulcet tones of my favourite pop idol to soothe my nerves, I quickly reverted into a gibbering wreck. I fled [COLLEGE-REDACTED] and retired to my boudoir :'(

[12:00 PM] There's no Ambivalence over Carolyn Barker's death at the hands of Stealth
Ambivalence reports:

A voice behind me called my name. The oldest trick in the book, and with my mind firmly on lunch, I fell for it. Turned round, expecting a friend asking what I thought of the lecture. Saw instead a stranger lunging at me with a knife. Stumbled backwards, scrabbling for my own weapon, eyes wide with horror. I hefted my knife into my hand, but the attacker was already upon me, and before I could stab his own knife was buried deep into my chest. Oh, the dangers of complacence. As my blood pooled on the narrow paving, I dimly heard my assassin congratulating me for having not let him in the other day. So this is Stealth, I thought, as the life drained from my body. And stealthy he was; and ambivalent I most certainly was not. And thus ended my fledgling career as an assassin.

Stealth reports:

Having been outwitted last time, I was keen to get my target this time. At 1200 hours today a friend pointed her out while walking out of a leacture but I wasn't so sure, so called out her name and she turned. She immediatly realised my motive but before she had time to make an escape I stabbed her with my (pen) knife.

[13:00 PM] A Wandering Minstrel discovers that his singing is not sufficient to kill people
A Wandering Minstrel reports:

I am beginning to think that wandering aimlessly about and singing at people may not be the best way to eliminate other players.

My clueless fool of a target from [COLLEGE-REDACTED] has evaded death by my hand three times now, (the last such occasion being today around lunch) and I'm almost certain they have no clue they've done it. I seems gaining entry to their building is quite impossible, as none of the residents ever go in or out. In fact, every time I've spent upwards of 15 minutes outside not one person has emerged. Targetting this person has lost its charm. Time to attempt somewhere else.

[15:00 PM] Some noobs tried to kill Aaron Domnoob.
Aaron Domnoob reports:

Aha! Some more noobs wanted to join my guild! 2 of them at the same time!!! They were attempting to open my door saying that they thought they had a supervision in my room. This means that now, on top of all my other brilliant titles, I also have the awesome title of supervisor!!! Domnoob is getting better! I shall appoint them both to the post of supervisee since they seemed to want that job.

I agreed to let them join the Noob guild, but as soon as I opened my door, one of them threw a knife into my room. They DARE question the almighty power of Domnnob? This is mutiny! I will not tolerate such behaviour in my supposedly loyal subjects! I grabbed the almighty cardboard wand and shouted "Accio weaponry!!!" at them. The spell missed, but those 2 noobs were sufficently frightened by this awesome display of power that they fled. Haha! It is fun to watch noobs run away from me in terror.

[23:50 PM] Red (Leo Cairns) is dead.
Red reports:

At 23:50 on 02/11/2011, I received a knock on my door, [ROOM-NUMBER-REDACTED IN COURT-REDACTED, COLLEGE-REDACTED]. It was an innocent, claiming that he had broken the toaster and needed my help. I opened the kitchen door to find Coors Light waiting for me with a rubber band "wheel" gun. He fired several shots into my torso and a couple onto my right arm. No retaliation effort could be made

Thursday, 3 November

[12:00 PM] Cookie-monster befriends fdztxs's bedder, but not fdztxs himself.
Cookie-monster reports:

1200: I left my college for [COLLEGE-REDACTED]. I was listening to Uptown Girl, Backstreet Boys (!!). I was ready for anything! :D

1210: I bumped into the cleaner nearby my target's room. She was listening to Fight for This Love, Cheryl Cole (!!) . We had an animated discussion about pop music, knitting patterns, and our favourite magazines (we are both Cosmo Girl readers!!! ^_^ ), at the end of which I gained from her a detailed description of my target's appearance, and some useful facts about his daily routine. I decided to return home

[17:40 PM] Yes (Zac Baynham-Herd) blinked. Le Meurtrier, Coors Light, Red and Geekslashfool didn't. Weeping Angel killed Yes

Friday, 4 November

[11:58 AM] SkillzUpInThisExtra's (Michael Jason Stec) song is over. Oodfficer Sigma killed him.
Oodfficer Sigma reports:

I have a death to report. I killed Michael Jason Stec, today at 11:58 by dressing up as a Grim Reaper and placing my hand on his shoulder.

[12:00 PM] Yossarain fancies eating a Biscuit
Yossarain reports:

At 12:00 I went in search of Biscuit at [COLLEGE-REDACTED]. Upon finding his room I learnt he was to clever to open his door to someone he didn't know, so I decided to wait for an opportunity to strike. Almost immediately someone else arrived at his door, someone he was actually willing to let in, seeing a chance I took my shot narrowly missing my target. Unfortunately this left me needing to recover my ammo with my target still alive. At this point he attacked my with a set of knives, I managed to avoid this attack and aimed my gun, almost at point blank range, only for it to misfire. Fortunately when he saw I still had ammo Biscuit retreated and I took the opportunity to flee.

[16:30 PM] Louis Bailey had No idea? what hit him when he was killed by Discord
Discord reports:

The incompetents list is looking a little large, is it not? I've decided to pare that number down a little and I eliminated No idea? at his own front door. You should have seen the look on his face; priceless! With a glum "Ah, well, I've been kind of expecting that", we parted ways, and the incos list should now look a bit trimmer.

[17:00 PM] Ganon is keen to kill Commander Keen.
Ganon reports:

how frustrating is the life of an assassin! After creeping into Commander Keen's accomodation for the second time under the cover of darkness, disguising myself in my traditional manner and silently lurking outside his door for longer than I should have, it seems my efforts were futile. I knocked on his door to receive no answer, and the lack of any sounds or hints of light in his room told me he was not there. I left a note, and shall try again shortly. le sigh.

[19:25 PM] Mega Super Ultra Extra goes hunting for fdztxs
Mega Super Ultra Extra reports:


Saturday, 5 November

[11:40 AM] Wichita isn't in when a Tiny assassin comes looking for them.

[12:00 PM] Count Zachary had No idea? that Louis Bailey was already dead.
Count Zachary reports:

I waited outside his lecture theatre, waiting for Louis Bailey to appear. Unfortunately, soon people stop leaving, and my target had still not caught my sight. There must have been another exit that had not reached my intelligence. I quickly ran in the direction of his college, hoping I still had time. I arrived just in time to see him entering his college building. This confirmed his identity, as it was the same place in which I knew my target lived. I waited a while longer hoping he would leave for lunch. Sure enough, my target re-emerged and I took my chance and shot him. However, the worst news then reached my ears. I had just shot a corpse.

[12:30 PM] Brandy and Bananas (Jiann Meng Tan) don't mix

[14:00 PM] Ganon is still keen to kill Commander Keen, Commander Keen appears to be less keen for this.
Ganon reports:

I am beginning to loose hope. After my lovely note yesterday, i returned to Commander Keen's room today at around about 2, to discover my note was still there. Suspecting a potential double-bluff i knocked on his door to no avail. alas. I shall have to seek out my other (more inconveniently placed) targets.

[18:00 PM] DrHeinzDoofenshmirtz (Ben Webb) dies as a result of the use of a Random Strategy
Random Strategy reports:

Random Strategy returns! And he thinks it's still Mayweek... For indeed, he is still doing the same things as he did in Mayweek. Namely, killing Ben Webb with a chainspoon after some highly improbable event caused them to meet. This time, the highly improbable event was Ben being on Random Strategy's target list. This is yet more evidence for the principle of Random Strategy, whereby application of Random Strategy causes the most unlikely things to occur.

Is this the last of my chain of chainspoons murders?

At any rate, incompetents, you should know that one of you lucky people is going to chosen at random to be the test subject for my new silly weapon which I have finally finished developing. So try to be in when I come round to test it please. You'll be one the first people to know what it is and see it in action. :)

DrHeinzDoofenshmirtz reports:

Curse you Perry the Platypus!

[20:18 PM] Tiny kills a Cobler (Adam Varga)

[21:00 PM] Rory Williams shoots out The Savage Eye of Bucephalus What Kills People (Hester (Hettie) Thorneycroft), helped by a Weeping Angel
Rory Williams reports:

Another Saturday night, another horrifying monster. I'm really getting tired of these.

Through a series of events too complicated to be demonstrated in thirty seconds of clips from last week's episode, I found myself teamed up with a Weeping Angel - though it'd be better for everyone if I didn't actually let it kill anyone.

The climax of this week's running around came when The Savage Eye of Bucephalus What Kills People left [UNSPECIFIED CASTLE]. The Weeping Angel and I left and chased it, hoping to end its incompetency, only to stop, confused- it seemed to have disappeared.

Shortly afterwards, it turned up behind us, and there was a mad scramble- but a bolt of sci-fi zappiness from the handgun I may or may not still have since my days as an Auton killed the monster.

Next week, apparently we're going to meet Aristotle's ghost in 23rd-century Alpha Centauri. I'll probably die again.

Sunday, 6 November

[15:00 PM] Oodfficer Sigma and Martha Jones team up with Tinky Winky to slay incompetents. They kill Dominic (Dom) Hinkins and Ben Elliott
Tinky Winky reports:

Disheartened by the large number of incompetent players still in the game (a list which included all my targets) Martha Jones, Oodfficer Sigma and I decided to go on a rampage and bring down as many of the vermin as is possible in a single afternoon. We were joined in this quest by an accomplice: Martha Jones' sister Kathryn. We first travelled to the accommodation of Valentino, but our plans were foiled by his cunning trick of not being in.

We then travelled to [COLLEGE-REDACTED], where we took up positions and knocked on the door of Biscuit. Sadly again, there was no answer, but just as we were leaving a human male walked into the hallway, saw us, smiled nervously, and walked out again. Oodfficer Sigma cleverly deduced that this human was likely to be the one we were looking for, and gave chase with lightning speed. Martha Jones and I headed down another staircase in an attempt to head him off, but it didn't work and we rounded a corner just in time to see Biscuit (Ben Elliott) slain by Oodfficer Sigma, the climax of what must have been an exhilarating chase. In all the confusion we had lost Kathryn, but we teamed up with her later and resumed our quest.

Next we decided to find Count Zachary. Kathryn knocked on his door innocently asking for 'help with something' and Count Zachary opened it a crack, obviously suspicious. When he saw she was unarmed, he let down his guard and opened it further, at which point I leapt in front of the door and fired my nerf gun into his chest at point blanc range, blood splattering into the hallway. Or at least that is what I thought had happened, but my teletubby eyes must have been deceived in the poor light, because then Count Zachary, quite alive, attempted a dubious distance bang kill claiming that the nerf gun pellet had hit the door. Confusion ensued, but in the end we amicably agreed that neither of us had been successful, and to leave the fight for another day.

We next headed for Erinaceous D'escalier, this time feeling more confident. Oodfficer Sigma and Martha Jones knocked on his door, claiming that they were doing a survey. As they began asking him questions I leapt in front of him with my nerf gun and fired a pellet into his chest, this time there was no doubt that it had met its target, and Dominic (Dom) Hinkins was slain.

We then decided to head back to Valentino's accommodation, but sadly he was still as absent as he had been before, so we went to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to try and get two incompetents on adjacent floors, The Dark and Le Meurtrier. Both were in, but both stubbornly refused to open their doors, even after we cunningly enlisted the help of Le Meurtrier's neighbour to knock for us. Perhaps it would have worked better if we had tried that first, and if we had not also been visible next to her in the spy hole.

Finally we thought we would try to kill Wichita, but we were unable to gain entry to [COURT-REDACTED].

Count Zachary reports:

There was a knock at my door. I called out to ascertain their identity, and was greeted by a voice asking for my assistance. I opened my door a crack, gun hidden behind my back as I still held my suspicions of their intention. She appeared to be unarmed. As she began to talk, another person leapt in from around the corner. He fired a shot, but misfired, and it ricocheted harmlessly off the door. I fired a shot in return, but it too missed its target. No lives were lost, but he promised to return.

[19:30 PM] Stealth continues to be out-stealthed by other assassins. This time, by Mr X

Monday, 7 November

[12:05 PM] Tinky Winky says tubby byebyes to Valentino (David Ginsbourg)
Tinky Winky reports:

After twice failing to track down Valentino yesterday, I once again could not believe my luck as I bumped into him in the bar of a college that shall not be named. I pulled out my trusty knife, which had been feeling a bit neglected recently, stabbed him hard in the chest, and he promptly died.

[16:45 PM] Cyborg Ostrich attempts to vaporise Killer Bug 1 and Count Zachary, but without success.
Cyborg Ostrich reports:

Cyborg Ostrich made another attempt on Count Zachary's life at approximately 16:45 today (Monday, November 7th), unfortunately he was unwilling to let her in or to engage in battle, preferring to communicate briefly through his door. A further attempt (approx. 17:10) to end the continuing existence of Killer Bug 1 was foiled by said gentleman's absence from his place of residence.

Tuesday, 8 November

[11:30 AM] tacticallemon went for the tactic of killing Yossarain (Steven (Steve) Rogers).
Yossarain reports:

Today I discovered the importance of proper recon. At 11:30 after easily reaching the room of my target, tacticallemon, i was surprised that the person who answered the door did not match my expectations. Not wanting to kill an innocent I hesitated allowing this person, who it turns out definitely was tacticallemon, to stab me through the chest.

[12:00 PM] D. Mendeleev, The Chemistry Bro attempts to perform experiments on Chanandler Bong
D. Mendeleev, The Chemistry Bro reports:

At 12 o clock the chimes rang out, and I began to sigh.
Chanandler Bong's door was locked and shut, oh why oh why oh why?

Chanandler Bong reports:

Found an unknown assassin loitering under my window at about 12:05. Grabbed my weapon and tried to give chase, but he was already gone.

[12:10 PM] The Umpire may also have created this pseudonym...but nobody's creating Raver's death.

[16:20 PM] An anonymous bounty!!

One packet of Sainsbury's jaffa cakes to anyone making a kill with a sufficently silly and/or original weapon, valid from now on until either the end of the game, or until [ANONYMOUS INDIVIDUAL] runs out of jaffa cakes, whichever comes first.

[16:30 PM] Nothing tenuous about Tenuousness' (Zephyr Penoyre) death at the hands of I have no need for a Pseudonym cos I am going inco
Tenuousness reports:

This afternoon, at about 4.30, an unwitting assassin wandered into my trap. Unfortunately what i had forgotten was that i had only half planned my trap, and whilst my open door did a stellar job of luring him in, my complete lack of further countermeasures failed to lead to his timely demise. Instead, i lay head slumped forward onto my desk, rubber band hanging of my ear where it (somehow?) fractured my skull, typing with my last ounces of strength as the life ebbs away from me.
For the record, i leave my story to science and my body to the arts,

[17:40 PM] fdztxs goes hunting incompetents...'Tis but a flesh wound'!
'Tis but a flesh wound' reports:

fdztxs and I again joined forces and decided to hunt some incompetents at [COLLEGE-REDACTED].

We successfully gained entry into the college, but our first victim, Didn't submit a pseudonym, survives by virtue of Not Being In.

Mr X, on the other hand, is saved due to some difficulty Getting In.

Getting late, and with people growing suspicious, we were forced to retreat dejected.

fdztxs reports:

I teamed up with 'Tis but a flesh wound' to try to kill some incompetents. We went to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] and promptly got lost. [BAD WORDS REDACTED.] With much luck, we found Didn't submit a pseudonym's room, but not Didn't submit a pseudonym herself. Some more luck, and we were in front of Mr X's staircase, in front of a locked door. Apparently we had run out of luck, since none of the 3 (!) people that passed by while we waited decided to go through that door. [MORE BAD WORDS REDACTED.]

[18:50 PM] Tiny is apparently small enough to go by unnoticed by fdztxs

[19:50 PM] Tiny kills Woody A (Alison Woodman) and tries to kill Perkele

[22:40 PM] tacticallemon tactically removes HAL OGEN (Harry Wright) from the game.
tacticallemon reports:

Just killed tacticallemon (incompetent) with a battleaxe (badminton racquet) in his room. It gave a nice new red theme to the decor. Made an attempt on This was also made up by the Umpire in the same building as well, but he was lucky enough to be out... no note though, the cunning lemon leaves no traces

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