The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News"The Enrichment Centre reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will
never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak".
Of course, dropping it on someone is completely legit and quite deadly. Not
quite sure how I ended up in this enrichment centre though...
Katherine Hocking has been killed. I arrived at her staircase a little after 2, and was let in one of her very helpful fellow students. Luckilly, the lovely lady and her friend had just walked into her room, leaving the door nicely unlocked. Courtesy subroutines requiring that I knock, I did. The friend opened the door, asking if I was an assassin. A confused "no" left Katie's neck nicely ready for my pen-knife.
The Umpire notes:
You are perfectly free to deny being an assassin. You are not allowed to claim to be a dead assassin. The distinction may appear to be moot, but it's there nonetheless.
After wandering around [unspecified college] randomly for quite some time, trying to find the exact place of residence, Random Strategy discovered that his would-be victim was 'out' and would not be back for a long time. Evidently, the randomness in his assassination strategy had caused this to happen...
After watching the Chronophage fail to remember daylight savings time had ended, Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons tried and failed to get into Torquemada's college. again.
Went to [UNSPECIFIED-COLLEGE] in search of my target. Upon enquiring as to where my good friend Charon was, I was informed that he was not in. I shall have to return at a later date.
Today I arrived the door of nivwusquorum, hoping to dispatch my target therein. Unfortunately my attempt was foiled by the aforementioned door being locked. After knocking and receiving no response from within, I slipped away again, to return another day.
I was disturbed from my work by a knock on the door from someone who was kind enough to inform me they were here to kill me. After half a minute or so I burst out with a water gun and disabled the attacker's wielding arm before gunning them down with more water.
Star date 64298.3,
Captain's log Supplemental.
After a busy few weeks dealing with the upgrades to the warp core while trying to avoid the Romulans that had been on our tail - some misunderstanding about activities relating to the death of a crew member - I came across an incompetent Borg drone attempting to infiltrate my crew. Separated from the collective it
had continued to do all it knew and tried to assimilate the crew. Sadly
attempts to remove its cortical node and allow it to integrate as a
productive member of society were unsuccessful and it died on the table.
Now if only I can continue to evade those pesky Romulans.
Janeway
This evening I went to try and exact just revenge upon The Russian for the cold-blooded murder of one of my stairmates. It being Halloween, I fully expected and prepared to meet with all manner of monsters, perhaps even Death himself. Instead, however, in [unspecified college], I met only with code-locked doors. Why are people so concerned with security nowadays? All I want to do is kill them!
It was around 22:00, 31 October. Ghosts, zombies and other horrors were prowling the streets of Cambridge. A dangerous time, for who could tell if any of the hooded black figures wielding a scythe were actually here to kill you? Avoiding being too close to them, Random Strategy made his way to Kitty Noone's room. His mission was to ceremoniously sacrifice her to appease the anger of the dark gods of the underworld so that the undead would return to their graves for at least one more year. However, luck struck Random Strategy hard again, (as always it did), and Kitty Noone turned out to be 'out' again. She was probably already amongst the ranks of the undead... So Random Strategy left, hoping that someone else would be able to do the necessary sacrifice.
Star date 55301.4
Captain's log Supplemental.
No sign of the Romulans today but I found some crew members who weren't pulling their weight. First on the list was The Anvil, we crawled through the Jefferies tubes
to try and sneak up on him but it was to no avail, he had installed force fields around his quarters. Upon insisting he allow us to enter he met our greetings with a hail of bullets, thankfully we were well out of range but sadly this works both ways and so was he. Sadly duties called and we had to leave him for today but I did find enough time to swing past the residence of one Mr Malcolm Reynolds, he wasn't stood outside. Time to try and get that security override working.
A pair of killers
Attacked me with RBGs
Nobody was hurt.
I crept like a shadow into Churchill this eve
With a smile on my face and a gun up my sleeve.
To find and to kill Ainia I had come
but soon my devious plan came undone.
The gathering dark made it difficult to see
Of my quarry no sign, I was lost as can be.
My morale in tatters and only myself I could blame
Out of Churchill I ran, with only my shame.
I was 'dilligently' working away in my room, when suddenly, there was a quiet knock on my door. When the visitor refused to identify, I loaded several rounds of deadly hydrogen dioxide into my gun, and carefully opened the door. A lightsabre flashed through the crack, and then my assailant retreated into the corridor. Reloading, I pursued him, and soon gunned him down. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster. His corpse was very gracious in defeat, and even gave me a KitKat!
Having been declared incompetent despite hours of waving my lightsabre around in my room while making whoosing noises, I resolved to get going before the going got tough. Augustin-Louis Cauchy's room was easy enough to get to, there being no shortage of helpful members of [UNSPECIFIED-COLLEGE] prepared to show a stranger around, and even when a water pistol poked through the door I remained confident that my command of the Force would enable me to deflect the attacks of any such primtive ranged weapon. After a brief stand-off, a splash to my face reminded me that Star Wars isn't real and that I haven't actually watched the films for 6 years (honest!). Still, maybe the Sith will have their revenge one day...
On one of my nighttime strolls I decided to do a spot of inco hunting with Lieutenants Riker, Geordi La Forge and Xindi. We firstly dropped in on Torquemada of [UNSPECIFIED-COLLEGE] but were annoyed to find him out. We then turned our attentions to Adam Wright of Catz. When we arrived we found his corpse on the floor of his room with a note attached to it informing us that he had been killed earlier that day.
Today an accomplice let me into the fortress of Rajkumar Ram Sarujan. We snuck to his inner sanctum, where I threw the door open and shot him. He had some very awesome jazz playing at the time.
Shot in the back by Queeny as I was dancing in my room to some
[epic] music in the form of Gordon Goodwin. Knew I shouldn't have kept my
room on latch :(
And she was guided to my room by a fellow corpuscle, so much for corpus solidarity!
Of the 1st Earl of Salisbury,
He gave me lots of difficulty.
He was out all day,
So my kill went astray,
And there's no corpse as you can see.
This eve a new target was the order of the day, no longer did I intend to
wander about scrabbling at ethereal locks to no benefit. So this night,
drifting through the dead leaves scattered cross the earth, I did find
myself in a new land, that of [UNSPECIFIED-COLLEGE]. I rapidly sought out the dwelling of
my target, from it emanated unearthly melodies and song, confirming the
presence of the being within. Outside of this place I waited for roughly an
hour, opting to implement the element of surprise upon my prey. However, an
hour later my would-be victim was but negligibly more dead, the passage of
time displaying itself to be a more effective assassin than I at this
point. However, I would not surrender, and priming myself for death or
glory, summoned the being forth. Suddenly, all was silent, I was requested
to identify myself but would not sully myself with lies at this point,
opting for the cold cloak of silence instead. Thus I informed him of my
murderous intent, and I smiled as I heard the manipulation of an arcane
weapon of some variety, the sound of its filling followed by its testing. I
was thoroughly braced for battle, and yet none approached me. In my
confused daze I then conversed casually with a neighbour who had appeared
quite the civil sort who seemed cheered that it was not he that I sought,
before moving my lurking somewhat further along the corridor. I then
debated as to if my continued existence would be best served by once more
rousing this entity, or by drifting into the shadows at this point, fearing
that my target would likely by now be fully primed for attack, and far
better armed than I, to The Darkness I did drift.
Thus it is that no blood was split, but I am sure soon the earth shall be
sated, be it by my blood or his.
Captain's Log Supplementary
As part of our continuing mission to explore strange new worlds I set out
on a scouting mission of this sector of the delta quadrant. Orange Potato, Firefly, Mike Octopus, The Contessa and Malcolm Reynolds I know where you live. Get out there and pull your weight or next
time I might not just be scouting...
Hello, O Umpire.
Chocolate and I went lurking. First we lurked [UNSPECIFIED] for Orange Potato, which we later realised was sneakily possibly not quite the right
address. Then we went and lurked in [UNSPECIFIED] for Mike Octopus, who was
unfortunately not in when we knocked (and the helpful note on his
noticeboard claiming to contain his keys didn't).
Yrs,
Death! Undercover...
Geared up, I set out to bring death to a much deserving recipient. Stealthily I approached my destination and helped by some neighbours I arrived outside that fateful door. My prey had, however, happened upon a most ingenious way of not being seen- they weren't there!
Had she sussed that this was no ordinary Chocolate? Was she merely on a diet? Either way, Rosalind Cowen cycled rather fast away from Chocolate, unaware that this was crazy Chocolate with a knife and a bike and was chasing like a bat out of hell. In a tragic cycle-to-cycle stabbing, Rosalind Cowen suffered death by (rather melted) Chocolate outside her college.
The universe continues to conspire against me. Having received the news that the incompetent Adam Wright was in the area, I set off to expunge this wretched being. Upon reaching his quarters, I was delighted to see that his door was open and he was in conversation with a female acquaintance. Rushing in, I double tapped him in the head with my standard issue RBG-1337. Unfortunately upon analysis, it was found that he had been dead for a day at least. Further analysis showed that his apparent acquaintance was in fact The Contessa, a known bounty hunter in the sector. Before I could take my analysis further, she shot me for bearing. Curses.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Foreign Spies from Taking Over our Glorious People's Republic of Imported Gunanas places a bounty of two packs of biscuits upon the head of James Hardman for being suspected of being an agent of a Foreign Power.
After her gruesome death by the hands of The Russian, Zombie Girl fell into
the cold, eldritch spiral of death. As she slipped through the tentacled
eternity once more, she suddenly fell the inexplicable grip of what she
thought were human hands, and was confronted with the warmth and relative
normality of a hospital bed and a strangely attractive doctor. Though he
smelt strongly of the crypt, Dr E.M. Clapham-Lee had a youthful- if
unexpressive- face, and after he finished treating her by injecting a
mysterious solute into her arm, she felt alive once more. Alive, powerful,
and thirsty for vengeance against humanity.
It was at this point the SS Enterprise spontaneously appeared through a
freak wormhole and beamed her aboard. Furious (they had beamed her up
before she could get the handsome doctor's number) she at first tried to
attack them, so was consequently surprised when they employed her as a
redshirt. She progressed quickly through the ranks, becoming the first
redshirt to ever withstand a 30 minute targeted gun turret barrage (which
would have gone on for longer, had she not got bored and switched off the
gun.) Her training complete, she was recruited to a bizarre branch of
Starfleet; as the Undead member of their intergalactic police force she was
perfectly primed to exact vengeance on humankind once more. Her first
target was a FluorescentPig, but as pigs were outside her vendetta, she
didn't target him, which worked out quite well as he died anyway.
However, her second target, Lenn, was indeed a human living in her
quadrant. She felt a chill when she heard that name. Lenn was a military
man, a believer in justice and one of the few humans to have ever treated
Zombie Girl (now renamed Zombie Space-Girl after her police training) with
any kindness. She would even have considered him a friend, but a job was a
job. Grabbing her Colt .44 magnum banana and rubber band gun, she headed
for his quarters. Lenn was inside, and recognised instantly that this
wasn't a social call. Lenn refused Zombie Space-Girl entry to his quarters,
but then Zombie Space-Girl pointed out that she had Lenn's keys (which he
had left in the mess hall earlier) so he would have to open the door
anyway. The door opened. Both of them froze. Somewhere, off in the
distance, a dog barked. Then Zombie Space-Girl raised her Colt .44 magnum
banana and fired a single shot. At the same time, Lenn's hand darted from
behind his back, and he fired a dart at her, piercing her axillary artery
with the exact venom to dissolve the solution which reanimated her. She
barely had time to eat his brains and gain his knowledge, (and his liver to
gain his constitution, and his heart for gain his courage) before she too
succumbed to death once more.
Would she ever get her revenge on the Russian? Would she be resurrected
once more? More importantly, would she get that zombie Doctor's phone
number? Only time will tell...
It was an early start to the day and as such the Killer Monkey declined to
accompany me in my quest for Kitty Noone's death as it was "too early" and
he needed his "beauty sleep". Lazy killer monkey. So I ventured out with
only my knife for company.
I knew exactly where Kitty Noone would be and when on Wednesday morning and so,
at approximately 11.45am I began my stakeout of the lecture theatre Kitty Noone
was currently in. At 12.00 she emerged and made her way towards the pile of
examples papers awaiting her. Upon seeing me she suspected something of me
but failed to notice the knife hidden up my sleeve and thus allowed her
ferocious penguin to remain in its lair of her bag.
As soon as her back was turned I struck, slitting her throat and leaving
her bleeding on the floor. Mr Snuggles climbed out of her bag as soon as my
knife made the first cut but by the time he was ready to defend his
mistress it was too late and Kitty Noone had breathed her last. As an act
of sympathy I let Mr Snuggles live, partly because I felt sorry for him
after seeing him weep over Kitty Noone's lifeless body and partly because what
harm could this sad, lonely fluffy little penguin do without his beloved
Kitty Noone to guide him...
I attempted to help the drone, Two of Nine, freed from the collective adapt to civilian life aboard the ship. We took the delta flier and set off to find some of the more incompetent species in the sector. Sadly attempts at first contact with Orange Potato, Kitty Noone and Mike Octopus were non succesful due to them all being away from their normal home planets.
Another bad day, another missing would-be victim. Frak it!
I entered the staircase of my future victim and climbed up the appropriate floor. I checked the doors and listened for a while, but Rosalind Cowen was not there. I decided to leave when I saw her talking to somebody on the corridor. Immediately I took my gun out and shot her. However, she calmly said: "I am dead." and her spirit vanquished. Full of disappointment and anger, I left.
Dear Great Leader Umpire,
Today at approximately 1515 hours I expunged festering sore of disloyalty
from the motherland. Using Young Pioneer blade, I dispatched traitor known
as James Hardman with one swift thrust. Washing off arterial spray, I
withdrew from his hideout and set out for [UNSPECIFIED] to search for more
traitors. Unfortunately, capitalist subvertor as lightning flashed across the sky was absent
from their lair, and Two and 5 were warned of my arrival
by fellow, yet non-combatant, scum.
I am defiant in the face of counter-espionage attempt by Royal Society for
the Prevention of Foreign Spies from Taking Over our Glorious People's
Republic of Imported Gunanas. Родина мать зовёт, и я отвечаю!
С любовью,
The Яussian.
Today somewhere around 7pm I started my usual night hunting trip. I
prepared everything I needed, sharpened my deadly penknife, loaded
gunnana... I went to the [unspecified] college to seal the deal. Everything
there indicated that I am dealing with a professional: his name wasnt in
the list of the people living in that staircase, his room was hidden in the
furthest corner of the house, and this is only the beginning... I met a
beautiful blond girl from the lower floor her room doors were widely open,
she told me that my victim does really live here, showed the direction to
his room... she looked so innocent and was too nice not to trust her... I
went further, I heard some sounds... people were living their casual social
lives in the kitchen without any suspicions.. or at least I thought so...
suddenly one of them spotted me and asked whether I am looking for
someone... I had no choice I had to risk.. I told my victims name while
being just a meter away from his door... and I was calmly told that "he is
away for a weekend, in london or something..."(the person who told this was
of the opposite gender than my victim so I did not have immediate
suspicions..), I was disappointed, and just wanted to disappear from there
as fast as possible... but just before leaving I had to see her again...
she was still there, same beautiful girl, I asked [some unspecified
information about my victim]... she answered, but she seemed not sure, this
was very strange... but she was too nice to be able to lie...or was she..?
As I was walking away, these words stuck in my head "away for the
weekend"... BUT ITS WEDNESDAY!!!... Maybe this time he was better than me..
maybe he prepared his neighbours to meet me... or maybe this is just a
couple of coincidences... in latter case I got some useful information for
the future... in the former one.... well, I was tricked by a beauty... I
wouldnt be the first one, nor the last... it could be worse... I feel that
I will be back there for for him... or not only for him...
Alas, I am no more. After a rush of work and lack of effort forced me onto the incompetents list I have met my fate at the hands of J. M. Colt and another(whose name I can't remember) and shall cross the Styx for the last time. While sitting in my rooom I heard a knock at the door. I considered waiting them out but decided I couldn't be bothered so seized my dinosaur and released the lock, moving backwards fast enough for the first shot to miss. Unfortunately the second didn't.
Today J.M.Colt joined forces with Saavik to hunt. We scouted the territory of [UNSPECIFIED], but Torquemada was nowhere to be seen. However, Pembroke proved to be more eventful, where Charon was shot by J.M.Colt after a brave (but brief) defence with a killer triceratops.
The *Klingon* Women's Institute places 4 packets of Jaffa Cakes, or equivalent, for: causing an incident that leaves Janusz Sikorski licitly exposed, for at least 3 days, to the "tender attentions" of the Guild Police Force... Kapla!
Despite the volumes of personal data harvested by this unit, several key
archives concerning Magos Biologis are missing from the public records.
This lack led this unit on a fruitless search around several of the lecture
rooms of [UNSPECIFIED]-museum site until time pressures called this unit
elsewhere. A more direct approach may be necessary.
Citizen (not) Erased
As the deadline of my competence was comming closer and closer with every minute I rushed from my lectures (were I was tought the ancient ways of assassin) to the ancient castle, known as [UNFORTUNATELY-UNSPECIFIED], where evil lurks. I was on time, I was in place, I was ready to chop my victim. Unfortunately he was in no hurry to return from lectures, and he was not in his room.. But I'll be back, and he will suffer much more than he could ever imagined! muahaha
Today was another day of good hunting for J.M.Colt. In the place where Blue
Boars roam a certain door was approached and the certain door was opened
and the knife flew out. But quick J.M.Colt shot her victim.
But the night was not over yet. J.M.Colt lurked into Magdalene gardens
behind and sneaked through the open back door. Then J.M.Colt stormed into
the room of Arthur Savile where he met fast and painless death.
It seemed to be another fine day in the holy torture chambers, and I was
particularly enjoying my routine expurgation of heretics -- yet little
did I know what fate would befall me. I heard a knock at the door,
asking for a corkscrew to open a bottle -- realizing that I was in
danger, I responded with a curt "no". The impostor persisted, however,
and resolving to continue my heavenly mission, I prepared a pen-knife
with which to eliminate them. Cautiously opening the door to the chamber
a fraction of an inch, I flung the knife outside -- only to be hit with
a torrent of fuming unholy water, fired in my face by a ruthless and
surely apostate policewoman. I soon discovered that not only had my
poorly considered throw missed, but that my face was melting. I
crumpled, screaming, and soon discovered as demons swarmed around me
that this was the unglamorous end of my mission on Earth.
Dispatched from the heavenly seat of judgement,
Torquemada
"D1DN'T W4NT N0 K1LLZ N3W4Y" ~ T3H 1337 K1LL3R on manning up after failure.
Thomas Bytheway: "There's only room in this game for one Firefly reference and mine's more subtle."
Thunder rolled in and the rain swept down as lightning flashed across the sky, but assassin hunting was not nearly as dramatic. Pathetic fallacy
really let the day down. First, as lightning flashed across the sky sauntered over to (unspecified
college) in search of her target, Kiwi Sin. Finding the door, she
attempted to force it open. But alas, the door remained sealed shut, and no
movement sounded from within the target's den. She left her calling card
with a bemused friend of the target and moved on.
What was this? An easy entrance into a large fortress, it seemed! as lightning flashed across the sky
took her opportunity and stole away into the lair of the next target.
Minutes crawled by, however, and after walking around the area she was no
closer to discovering Kitty Noone's whereabouts. The porters aided her
in her quest, but hindered by a terrible sense of direction, their
instructions were of no help. As she continued wandering past the porters
in confusion, their smiles turned to frowns, which eventually turned to
downright grumpy suspicion. as lightning flashed across the sky] had overstayed her time here; enough of
this - onwards!
And so she began to lurk the inco Hassan-i-Sabah's house. Fifteen minutes
passed, and then suddenly, a dimly recognisable character appeared, heading
towards said house. as lightning flashed across the sky confronted him, upon which he confirmed his
identity as Hassan-i-Sabah (all too happily).....she went to draw her gun, quick as
a shot! But wait. Fumble, fumble fumble...as lightning flashed across the sky took far too long to find
her hidden gun. She couldn't help wonder why this incompetent chap merely
smiled apologetically and didn't react. Too good to be true? Finally, she
got it! The gun! And fired a shot! Point-blank, hit the fellow!
"...I'm already dead," the corpse said, in a friendly and almost regretful
tone. Oh.
Such is the life of an assassin. One day, a target will open the door
unwittingly and get shot immediately. Other days, the targets and
incompetents all simultaneously become submerged in secrecy and absence. So
be it!
Hay en caca en el refrigerador!
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