Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

Thursday, 6 November

[09:35 AM] Rather amazingly, he lurked for T-unit this morning... I guess he was dead tired.
amazingly, he reports:

I lurked outside T-unit's room for 20 mins from 9:35 this morning without seeing him, I guess some people get up earlier than me....(or much later).

[21:55 PM] The Flying Squirrel Squad finds that Yi Luo (Clay Pigeon AKA Grass Snake) shooting is quite fun, though perhaps not as humane as it sounds.
The Flying Squirrel Squad reports:

With the aid of a trusty insider, I infiltrated the fortress of Cripps' Court this night, at approximately 21.55 hours, with nefarious purposes toward Clay Pigeon. Posing as simply a visitor to the dark and mysterious place, I sneaked up to the floor of my victim-to-be. With my faithful associate, I engaged in conversation with the people I found there, standing in the corridor, unarmed... I tried in vain to espy their room-numbers and to deduce which of them was to die at my hands, but luck was mine, for Clay Pigeon divulged her name willingly in introducing herself, and with a surreptitious movement, I brought forth my rubber-band gun and smote her (mightily). My kill was declared to be awesome by the inebriated bystanders, and so I returned home, happy in the day's doings.

Clay Pigeon reports:

At approximately 9:40pm, a disturbance in the corridor caught my attention. On leaving the confines of my room, I came across some people with high levels of intoxication in their system. After a brief chat, two more people appeared - one of whom I had never seen before. I should have been more suspicious. We made small talk, and on learning my name, the stranger withdrew a rubber band gun and promptly shot me in the chest.

I had no chance.

Friday, 7 November

[07:15 AM] Bob almosts catches Palahniuk's Laughter napping...
Palahniuk's Laughter reports:

This morning I was rudely awoken at 7:15 by a knocking at my door. My first feeling of annoyance at only getting 6 hours of sleep was soon replaced by suspicion. However, being awake 10 seconds tends not to give you the reactions you need. Upon openning my door, with my highly trained attack Pigs in hand, there was a blur of curly hair and a shout of bang, although nothing came into contact with me. At that point I slammed the door, in their face. Hearing them run off, I decided to use my home turf advantage. Rather then give chase, I ran to a window with a good vantage point and watched as they fled. With the tables turned a made an attempt on his life. My flying attack Pig was launched at him, narrowly missing him by a few metres, despite the thud made when it crash landed my would be assassin turned victim was unaware of this, due to the poor trajectory of my Pig. Also the crash seemed to injure the Pig so that it was unable to give chase. No idea who the attacker was, but if they read this, next time could they call at a more sociable hour.

[09:30 AM] The Flying Squirrel Squad waits expectantly for Bob, only to be disappointed.
The Flying Squirrel Squad reports:

Another mis-spent morning, as I lurked outside the lodgings of Bob. My water-pistol was primed but alas, once again, my target was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps Fate shall see fit to grant me a kill another time.

[11:50 AM] Pepper evades Trinity by the clever expedient of having optional classes.
Trinity reports:

Having had the good fortune of being let out of class early, I remembered that one of my targets (Pepper) had classes close by. Knowing their subject but not their options, I waited outside the building between 11.50 and 12.10. apparently they don't do that option.

[15:50 PM] Chili's persistance finally pays off when Tom Barbour (Chatterton) makes the mistake of no longer being asleep.
Chili reports:

So, finally, Chatterton is dead. After trying to gain access to his building, I finally managed today. After failing to kill him while waiting around for about 20 minutes for him to return just outsde his room at 11:30(although i later found out he was just sleeping...), I managed to catch him on his way out at around 3:50 when I returned for another try.

Chatterton reports:

Was brutally stabbed with a drumstick by a diminuitive medic called Chili on Friday whilst leaving my room in haste. Can't remember surname, but thought I would report it just so as to confirm etc. Always good to talk about one's own death....

[17:05 PM] Andrey Pronin (234) is popular, and has the pleasure of being killed not only by Von Hildebrandt, but also Tinkerbell
Von Hildebrandt reports:

Von Hildebrandt spent today
wading through forgotten dens
the relics of broken crime
syndicates still honey
for knaves
Victorian slums
manifesting in mists
tendril finger embraces
with ghosts

masquerading as a whisper
afloat on the breeze
he winded his way
with ease
toward another
lost soul
whose portal ajar
received such solemn gifts
as to uncover the eternal veil
and loosen the straitjacket
of being

he gazed long into
the abyss
to know
life and death come
dancing on a table
wind their strings
ever tighter
they fall

deed done
the crumbling dagger
he threw away
he vowed to
entrench his enlightenment
in fetid effusions and enact
resolutions to a lighter

Tinkerbell reports:

Feeling bored, so headed off to Fitz with Haukr to try and reduce the inco population.

Tried to lure 234 out by talking very loudly (and also knocking quite loudly) to his door while Haukr hid around the corner....however his friends in the gyp room opposite soon noticed me and helpfully informed me that I had probably got the wrong block. Having no choice then but to leave, I was almost out of the block when said target opened the door a fraction and Haukr immediately fired off a few rounds. With lightning speed, he closed his door and after collecting his weaponry a duel between Haukr and the target began in his corridor. I meandered off outside to see try his window. Unluckily it was closed but to my great surprise he suddenly decided to lean out allowing me to shoot him :)

[20:45 PM] After taking down Jonathan David Humphries (Irvine Kineas) earlier on, Emily Scragg (Haukr AKA George) tries to rampage on by killing Cakeface, only to find her lurking was not as subtle as it seemed.
Cakeface reports:

Whilst retiring from an impromptu staircase party with some more funky lunkeys, Cakeface notices an assassine negotiating the stairs in the oposite direction with a suspiciously damp rucksack. Instantly recognising her as that peculiar red-coated girl with an unusual penchant for hanging around outside his room at funny hours, Cakeface jumps into action. Taking the oppurtunity to grab his knife from his room, Cakeface minces out into the hall and lays waste to none other than Haukr!

After a brief impromptu post-mortem chat, revealing the girl to be delightfully amiable and making Cakeface feel rather bad for having ended her life, the pie-headed idiot heads home.

Haukr reports:

A fellow assassin and I went incompetent stalking, and managed to trap 234 in his room. Shots were fired by all, and eventually Tinkerbell shot him through his window. In the process I managed to kill one of his innocent friends.

To redeem myself and undo my looming 'wanted' status I set out on a hunt. Irvine Kineas died by a bang kill to the chest at Girton (at approx. 6.30), and cycling the other way I started to lurk people in town. First stop was to another target, Cakeface, but he was not in and had gone out, according to someone on his staircase, so I moved on. Of all the incompetents, none were either in or letting me in, so I returned to the other target for one last attempt. Unfortunately he had been informed by his staircase friend that I had been lurking, and also the hours lurk the other day, and then again the few other times I had tried his door and was seen, and this time he was prepared, bursting out of his room and shooting a syringefull of water down the stairs, some of which soaked into my skull and killed me, thankfully painlessly.

Saturday, 8 November

[13:25 PM] It seems D.I. Nner doesn't spend all his time eating doughnuts - Jonathan Marten (Kettchy) falls dead (reports of him dying after a doughnut binge are greatly exaggerated).
D.I. Nner reports:

How to make the new people in the Guild think you are an obese, doughnut-obsessed old man:

Step One - describe some shabby house/drinking place/road with silly choice of lexis, and make the innocent victim appear evil and mutated (that'll put them off the scent!).

Step Two - insert doughnut joke

Step Three - insert tripping up/puffing and panting/accident joke

The Umpire has found a doughnut joke on the internet....

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Doughnut who?
Do not ask me again!

Anyone who makes a kill by using this wins a special prize for being stylish.

Kettchy reports:

I regret to inform you that the chief of police entered my place of residence today at approximately this afternoon, and proceeded to shoot me four times in the side while I was trying to solve the Schrödinger equation.

But he did offer me gum, so all is forgiven.

[16:30 PM] Someone tries to enter The Flying Squirrel Squad's abode ...and game-loss ensued
...and game-loss ensued reports:

I have lurked for The Flying Squirrel Squad no fewer than three times now. Has she disappeared off the face of the earth? Or is she merely very busy?

Sunday, 9 November

[10:40 AM] Bob does the sneaky sneaky to Jiminez, Juggles Geese and hank
Bob reports:

I was passing by the college of three legal targets - one of which is on my specified list and two others who are not worthy of the title "Assassin".

I thought I might check out the place and see if I could get a kill. First, I lurked around Jiminez's room for about 10-15 minutes (from about 10:40). After nothing happened, I moved on to the next floor where two incompetents, hank and Juggles Geese are resident. Again, after much waiting around, none of the targets left the security of the rooms (although, I don't actually know if they were there or not).

One is left to wonder though, how both those incompetents are able to live next door to each other and survive...

[14:00 PM] Vice Admiral Horatio T Loins discovers that Carlsberg don't make pseudonyms. But if they did, they'd be the best pseudonyms. Carlsberg also don't make very good attempts.
Carlsberg don't make pseudonyms. But if they did, they'd be the best pseudonyms. reports:

I saw Vice Admiral Horatio T Loins in a shop today. He was not wearing a hat. He was, however, wearing a look of abject horror on his face, as he said hi, and then promptly ran for it. I gave chase, but had left unattended business in the shop, namely on the floor where I dropped it, and I also can't run for shit. So I let him get away.

Carlsberg don't make fails. But if they did...

[15:04 PM] Daniel Adams (Lt. Dan) resigns from the game.

[16:50 PM] Bhavya Dore (Orient Express) does not enjoy their D.I. Nner.
D.I. Nner reports:

D.I. Nner puffed and panted as he clambered up the stairs, his knees knocking and creaking and his every muscle clamouring in pain. Why did all these villains have to live in such lofty residences? He was getting too old for this. Plus he hadn't had a doughnut in hours, and all the shops would be shut by now. Grumbling, he was only half paying attention as he stormed the room of this drug dealer and gunned her down as she slept. What a life. What a city.

[16:50 PM] PC. Apple kills Harry Robinson (Juggles Geese) whilst wearing a Mac (possibly).
PC. Apple reports:

Whilst trudging through Cambridge on a dark and stormy night with naught but a thin jacket to stave off the rain I came across Selwyn College loaming out of the mist. "Aha" I said to myself, my finely tuned detecting instincts telling me there were some in need of the long arm of the law residing inside. The poor chap never stood a chance as he opened the door to be met by a rubber band to the chest. I paid my respects to the corpse and was on my way.

Juggles Geese reports:

Just been assassinated by a PC. Apple,

teach me to open my door to someone just because they give a name...

[18:18 PM] Cogito Ergo Nom - Someone Somwhere decides not to hang around to ponder this profound statement.
Someone Somwhere reports:

Went and lurked Cogito Ergo Nom this evening around dinner time for about 15 mins; alas they did not leave their room and when I tried their door it was locked :(

Cogito Ergo Nom reports:

A knocking came at my door at 18.18 hours. Then the handle turned ominously, as someone attempted to enter. I called out "hello" and heard a noise as of scurrying feet. Peering through my peephole, I espied someone hiding behind the door to my alcove... just out of my sight. My suspicions were aroused, and I grabbed my trusty rubber band gun, just as I heard the slamming sound of the door to the stairs. On exiting my room, I found the corridor empty...

Paranoia: +10

[18:30 PM] Gingerlink makes a sweep around the neighbourhood, but finds no sign of Palahniuk's Laughter or Juggles Geese (but does find an opportunity to do their good deed for the day, so all was not lost).
Gingerlink reports:

I decided to have another attempt on Palahniuk's Laughter today, heading down to his residence just before I expected him to get back from dinner. A quick knock on the door confirmed that he didn't appear to be in, so I lurked around his stairwell for a bit. Like the friendly neighbourhood assassin that I am, I offered to help the porter move some boards, then returned to lurking, eventually leaving at 10 to 7 as there was still no sign of him (I checked his room again before I left).

On my way out, I decided to see if the incompetent Juggles Geese was in, but was informed by the people of his corridor that he'd been assassinated earlier today. After having something pointed out to me which I may find useful in the future, I left, still without having seen either of the people I had come to attack.

[19:45 PM] Juggles Geese is visited by yet another prowler - Aethlred the Unready has no chance to prove the state of their readiness.
Aethlred the Unready reports:

I went hunting for Juggles Geese today in Selwyn. After searching the main college building I finally discovered that he actually lived in Cripps. I proceeded there and lurked his room for 15 minutes, but without success. I then wandered off into the night, and prowled around certain other abodes hoping to find someone to slay. However, I was disappointed, as no-one was about.

[22:33 PM] Pepper uses decides peace and harmony are overrated, unfortunately for Roseanna Pendlebury (The Flying Squirrel Squad AKA Cogito Ergo Nom)
Pepper reports:

I would like to propose a topic for the next meeting of the society outside whih Miss Pendlebury was so unfortunate as to meet me tonight:

"If I was an alien," said Pepper, "I wouldn't go round telling people all about mystic cosmic harmony. I'd say 'Thish ish a lasher blashter, sho you do what you're told, rebel shwine.'"


The Flying Squirrel Squad reports:

At the conclusion of a meeting of a certain society this night, I was walking home in the rain, followed, much to my chagrin, by a known assassin. Aware of the aforementioned person's cunning and ingenuity in killing others, I was understandably nervous at his/her presence. However, since I was sharing an umbrella, haste was impossible, as it would have meant leaving my fellow umbrella-er to the mercy of the weather. My pursuer was likewise encumbered, though the umbrella was belonging to a person of unknown assassinage or otherwise. When the unknown person wandered on his way, I was compelled to stay near to the assassin, who seemed to be following a similar path homeward. We were unfortunately detained for talk, and as my suspicions at the hidden hand inside my follower's bag became evident, my fears were promptly realised and I was cruelly shot in the chest. I am most displeased, since I am now unable to bring to fruition my plots. Alas, they shall have to wait until another time.

[23:30 PM] Martin Dickson (Braveheart), Mateja Djurovic (golden boy) and Tomas Rodriguez Perez (El Matador) have been thunderbolted for not showing any signs of life all game.

Monday, 10 November

[10:00 AM] Big Kahuna Burger fails to find any new exciting flavours to spice up the meat, as Gingerlink avoids capture (there are some who say burgers should be no sauce, no salad anyway)
Big Kahuna Burger reports:

Grey sunlight pierced the drapes this morning, stirring me from my eternal slumber. It was gonna be one of those days. Taking a shot of the old Dutch courage - plus another to calm my nerves, then one more for luck - I headed out onto the sodden streets of downtown Cambridge towards the Arts School Lecture Theatre. Funny name for an establishment, and a real dive of a place it was too. Some might say that ten before noon is a mite early to be hitting the bottle, but my trip wasn't for pleasure, so to speak. No, I was a man on a mission. Word had it one of my marks - some chump going by the moniker of Gingerlink - would be drowning his sorrows there this morning.

Ducking in from the drizzle, I pulled up a pew towards the back of the joint and watched the riff-raff filter in. Something in the air - maybe it was the smell - stirred up images of halcyon days gone by. Seems I spent a lot of time in this place not so long ago, though it seems a lifetime away now. I was younger then, greener: thought I could take on the whole world if I had to. Now I'm just a washed up old dick with nothing to show for it. Time is harsh mistress in Cambridge, and she moves on quick.

I spied my number - least, I think it was him; all I had to go off was a single grainy photograph left back in the office, swiped from an album belonging to an associate of the guy, but something in my gut told me I had my man - anyway, there he was propping up the bar. Didn't want to ice him right there and then - no - that'd just cause a scene. So I waited, keeping one peeper trained on him as I absorbed a little bit of the local colour, if you know what I'm saying. Coulda sworn I spotted a spook lurking out front at one point, but, well, seems something musta spooked him 'cause he took off like a shot.

Eventually my guy got up to leave, so I grabbed my coat made good to tail him, except just then it seemed every other bozo in the joint decided they had somewhere they'd rather be. By the time I forced my way through the rabble onto the rain-slick cobbles, ol' Gingerlink had hightailed it to God only knows where.

Like I say, one of those days.

[11:03 AM] Othar Trygvassen, Gentleman Adventurer tries to discover if The Swan of Mantua actually exists, or is merely a mythical legend.
Othar Trygvassen, Gentleman Adventurer reports:

My plan for a nice walk out to the northern reaches of Cambridge was alas defeated by a veritable cavalade of precipitation. Taking shelter in Wolfsen Court at 11:03 according to my chronometer, I paid a visit to the room of the Spark The Swan of Mantua. Sadly, though I watched his door for a quarter of an hour or so I saw no movement. Even worse, a bedder arrived, so I decided to call the escapade quits and wandered back home through the rain.

[14:20 PM] Litthhhhper stabbed James Brister (amazingly, he AKA Five rounds, rapid) sufficiently to end his life. Surprisingly, a lesser spotted non-corrupt Will Brooks was also believed to be in the vicinity.
Litthhhhper reports:

Litthhhhper, the cheeky but loveable bear, son of Gulbert the oddly yellow, awoke from hibernation today due to the unseasonally hot weather (......). He hadn't eaten for weeks and was now ravenous with hungry, so with thoughts of great fuzziness he urged his feet to carry him to the delicatessen, where those foolish (but tasty) humans left food strewn about to tempt the urban bear gangs into open warfare. A human (James Brister) stood between him and the cornflakes, enraging him sufficiently for a cheeky but loveable mauling.

Police Corruptible Brooks reports:

The entirely honest, decent incorruptible Police Corruptible Brooks was walking in an entirely coincidental manner through Sainsbury's with an acquaintance, James Brister. Now he was completely unaware this person might have even heard of this assassins malarkey until Litthhhhper walked up to him and stabbed him in the arm.
He then proceeded to stab him again in the back and walk off. Note how Police Corruptible Brooks was in no way corrupt, with no jumping in front of the oncoming attack, no shouting hurried warnings as the assassin approached and no abusing the no force rule. Instead of buying these high fat, high sugar deathnuts the duke eats, he proceeded to buy some very healthily priced cookies.

Five rounds, rapid reports:

Whilst casually browsing the bathroom section of a local supermarket I made the mistake of standing near a certain Mr.Will Brooks, this allowed someone to recognise me as an assassin and render me rather more dead than I was previously. Thank god for that, I can finally stop wearing that overcoat every day.

[16:20 PM] Roger takes down the mass-murderer Dominic Carr (Chili)
Chili reports:

Mama, killed by a man,
Put a gun against my head,
Pulled his trigger,now Im dead,
Mama,life had just begun,
But now Ive gone and thrown it all away
Mama oooh oh oh ooooh,
Didnt mean to make you cry
I wont be back again this time tomorrow
Carry on,carry on,as if nothing really matters

Too late,my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Bodys aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody-Ive got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mamaaa ooooh oh oh ooooh
I didn't want to die,
I sometimes wish Id never come home at all

Roger reports:

At about 16:20 today I killed Chili on the stairs outside his room- after waiting on the floor above for half an hour. He was shot with a nerf gun whilst trying to flee, but this was fruitless as a dart hit him in the ribs.

[16:30 PM] Carlsberg don't make pseudonyms. But if they did, they'd be the best pseudonyms. wandered in on Foysal Miah (Jiminez AKA Roger) and shot him for good measure!
Carlsberg don't make pseudonyms. But if they did, they'd be the best pseudonyms. reports:

Carlsberg don't make vengeance, but if they did, it would come in the form of finding your psychofresher godson's corpse, and the killer still there and bearing. Shooty shooty.

Roger reports:

After killing Chili I was talking to him and his friend, they were playing around a bit with my nerf guns, some of the darts landed on the floor below. As I was leaving I went to pick the darts up, however I had both the guns in my hand. Another assassin took advantage of this and shot me.

[19:00 PM] Diogenes and Cakeface try to clean up this dirty town, taking down Calvin Qiu (Jupiter Justice) and Kai Zeng (brevity). Unfortunately, Cakeface's visit to Jiminez was less successful.
Cakeface reports:

Cakeface and Diogenes head on over to Birdland for more light-hearted third-person banter. Whilst passing through, Cakeface can't help but notice a problem with Jupiter Justice's door. Not thinking it right for such an upstanding member of the public doughnut-eating squad to live in such substandard haunts, Diogenes decides to knock on his door and make a point of telling him.

HAHAHA! What a pun. Point.

After recovering from their nifty bit of synchronised knife juggling, Cakeface and Diogenes head on over to the Hoglump Homestead. On the way to their mark's door, Cakeface can't help but espy some slightly peculiar looking people heading in the other direction. Well, actually, they weren't that peculiar. Or even heading in the opposite direction. And there was only one of them. But reports always seem to sound classier with the word "espy" in them. Anyway, a good half-hour lurk for a certain Jiminez yields no joy.

Later, the bun-brained nincompoop and Diogenes pop over to the Patisserie, where poor brevity seems all too surprised to open the door to a heavily-armed Diogenes. After confirming the enduring existance of a special place near his heart for pistol water, the pair leave - only stopping off to grab a cream bun, with which Cakeface promptly stuffs their, er, face.

The pair head home.

Diogenes reports:

Today, on the hour of seven o'clock, Cakeface and myself gathered for another incobash. First off, the dynamic duo headed off to get rid of the rather inactive copper Jupiter Justice. Foolishly opening the door after a single knock, I gave him a lethal injection to the chest, making sure to finish him off with a stab to the heart with my gleaming dagger.

Next up was Cripp's Court, Selwyn College, where Cakeface had some business. Unfortunately, our man wasn't in and we lurked for the necessary fifteen minutes instead.

Finally, a short trip to Clare College meant the end of the road for incompetent policeman brevity. Completely going against everything he ever learned in police academy, he opened the door to my knock without so much as asking my identity. My lethal injection meant he didn't suffer for long. At the stroke of eight o'clock, tired but happy with the progress made this evening, the duo headed back to college.

[21:00 PM] D.I. Nner continues his efficient sweeping up of the streets, this time killing Ross Worrall (Jethrow Hugh Stoat-Gobbler Walrus-Titty III (Silly Party) 32,108 votes).
D.I. Nner reports:

The gloomy mansion which loomed ahead of D.I. Nner seemed to shimmer in the evening haze. The trees nearby whooshed and whooped in terror as their hair was clawed at by the scowling wind. A kitten sprayed its mark on a lamp-post then scampered away, yowling cutely (like in the Lion King. Yes, we all know you've seen it).

After throwing a doughnut to the guard dogs (special variety, filled with meat paste in the place of jam and covered in salt, not sugar... and with a little added 'special juice' - highly multi-purpose) D.I. Nner crept up behind one of the servants as he went in and clobbered him on the head.

He then made his way up the carpeted stairs (oh, the fools, what better way to make even a large intruder silent? well, as silent as he can be when he's panting slightly but trying not to make it obvious, anyway). When he reached the Master Bedroom, he heard the sound of gushing water. As he burst in to the owner's boudoir his gun fired without him pulling the trigger, but fortunately straight into the heart of the bounder he'd come to terminate. He'd not even had a chance to cry out. That'd teach him for failing to pay the coppers their 'donation' in time...

(disclaimer) No innocents were harmed in the making of this report.

Jethrow Hugh Stoat-Gobbler Walrus-Titty III (Silly Party) 32,108 votes reports:

Dear assassin moderator personeey,

Time, about 6.30 maybe.
Day, 10th november.

I have to inform you that I have been killed. I was in my room, about to get changed for a shower when non-other than the chief of police bursts through the door and I take 2 elastic bands from some fancy lookign gun to the chest.

The perp called him self the duke and claimed to be some kind of chief of police. But I though police were supposed to stop murders not notch up 75 kills!!!! :P

Maybe I will be more compitant next term.


Ross Worrall (Hugh Walrus-Titty III)

[23:56 PM] Steve Barnwell (Bernard) has been thunderbolted.

Tuesday, 11 November

[09:10 AM] Palahniuk's Laughter could be found echoing around the abode of Othar Trygvassen, Gentleman Adventurer, but he was nowhere to be found.
Palahniuk's Laughter reports:

Taking a detour on the way to lectures this morning, I found myself outside the college of Othar Trygvassen, Gentleman Adventurer. It was 9:10 when I arrived, so I knew he probably wouldn't be in, but some recon never hurts. I find out he lives in the most assassin unfriendly college. Narrow alleyways and multiple courts meant it was 10 minutes before I found his building. Then it is locked with a keypad, without the code I have to wait and go in behind someone else. To my further dismay, I find he lives on a corridor with ridiculous creaky wooden floorboards and multiple staircases meaning sneaking around is hard and unlikely to succeed. After lurking around trying to find a useful ambush point, I called it a day and headed off at 9:30.

[10:00 AM] Skídbladnir could not be stopped from striking down Philip Hubbard (Rex Cogidubnus AKA Long Lankin AKA Aethlred the Unready)
Skídbladnir reports:

Skídbladnir could not find Philip Hubbard in any of the furniture or kitchen stores of Cambridge, even after careful scrutiny of their cupboards. (cringe) And so he decided to use the old 'ask a friend' ruse. Skídbladnir would like to observe that going to lectures presents a serious health hazard. Having found Philip Hubbard, the target proceeded to fall onto Skídbladnir's knives and stained them with his blood. Skídbladnir feels that this warrants legal action for malicious and wanton defacement of property and will be taking the case up with his legal advisors.

Rex Cogidubnus reports:

Ten metres. That was all I had to cover. Just 10 metres between my lecture and my practical. Surely no-one knew I was there? Surely I would be safe? As I walked through the door, I saw a flicker out of the corner of my eye. Before I could move, a knife was lodged in my arm, followed by another to the chest. Ah, the pain! As my sight faded, I noticed another figure tower over my dying body... "I'm sorry" it said, "I told him everything".

[12:05 PM] Lovkush Agarwal (Bob) wishes he too could have Another imaginative pseudo.
Another imaginative pseudo reports:

After lurking my target's room for quite some time, I was rewarded by him returning from lectures. Whereupon he was stabbed and nobody noticed a thing as his lifeless carcass fell to the floor.

Bob reports:

I was just walking back down to my room from the lecture, when I just here some behind me call my name. I realised straight away my assassin's day were over...

[15:00 PM] Pepper does not quite condone this holy Elaine Oliver (Trinity) business.
Pepper reports:

Having the misfortune of once again being late to my lecture, I had forgotten that someone (Trinity) was trying to kill me and had classes close by, until I saw a her-shaped object and several rather distinctive friends through the door of her classroom. I waited outside, and she failed to evade my rubber bands.

Elaine Oliver reports:


Pepper brutally shot me multiple times with an RBG right outside the door of my lecture room today, and my lecturer gave me an odd look.

Regards from beyond the grave


[16:37 PM] D.I. Nner continues to hunt down incos with extreme vengeance. Simon T Abernethy (Vice Admiral Horatio T Loins) is the latest casualty.
Vice Admiral Horatio T Loins reports:

I am sad to announce the death of Vice-Admiral Horatio T Loins, incompetant at large, in the bowels of the Law Faculty by the nefarious D.I. Nner at 4.30ish. Having engineered an amazing escape not two days ago from a bicycle shop from a wily Blue haired assassin like an impala fleeing a cunning lion the Vice-Admiral was caught unawares whilst wallowing in his own incompetance and the conversation of a beautiful lady. At the very least he died the way he wanted to go, shot swiftly in the back having stuffed his face with half a terry's chocolate orange and a wispa. It remains only for him to remind his assassin to claim the bounty of whiskey offered upon his person numerous weeks ago for his murder of Mr Felix Bauer, ironically using a similar method to the one enacted on his person.

The whereabouts of the Vice-admiral's copious stock of Mark 2 rubber band rifles remains unknown and shall now not be seen in action for some time.

He will return.

Wednesday, 12 November

[13:00 PM] Jayaveni Chedumbarum Pillay (Dream Boy) is killed by Police Corruptible Brooks... unusually, no corruption is involved.
Police Corruptible Brooks reports:

After yesterday seeing [NAMES REMOVED] in a room together and not going corrupt to any of them, as any good police officer would, Police Corruptible Brooks was walking with an old friend, another cop who he had walked the beat with for many years.
This was like the good old days, when police were there for the good of the innocent, not for blood fueled gang war. He liked this new peaceful state.
Only now he remembered Jayaveni Chedumbarum Pillay was not pulling her weight (applying a force as it were) in the force. Friendships were one thing, but Police Corruptible Brooks was not the sort of cop who would go corrupt by association, no not him.
The course of action was the only one available, he told himself as he left the body falling into a ball on the floor.
Police Corruptible Brooks was no corrupt, doughnut eating, out for glory policeman like D.I. Nner about whom increasingly many stories were flooding out. Maybe someone needs to look into him. Maybe...

[13:00 PM] Simeon Bird was spotted in town and must have wondered for a moment, 'Carlsberg don't make pseudonyms. But if they did, they'd be the best pseudonyms.'
Carlsberg don't make pseudonyms. But if they did, they'd be the best pseudonyms. reports:

I saw Mr Simeon Bird today. He was wearing a hat. A cycling hat.

[17:18 PM] Palahniuk's Laughter echoed around the streets of Cambridge; Pepper, Gingerlink and Colin Love shivered.... Colin Love less so.
Palahniuk's Laughter reports:

Once again having infiltrated the college of Colin Love, at 5 I waited. I could hear music and shuffling in his room. Using the noise from two girls chatting and someone using a hairdrier for a really long time as cover, I knocked on his door. As he moved nearer to the door, to my horror, I realise there is a peephole, yet another assassin unfriendly measure of this college. The door never openned and I backed away. Deciding that this guy may have been curious I waited in the stairwell for a while. Realising he was not going to exit soon, I write a note from his friendly neighbourhood assassin and knock on his door, leave the note and return to the stairwell. In the 5 minutes I waited he did not appear, so at 5:20 I leave tail between my legs.

Deciding I have some more spare time a trip to Pepper was needed. Using one of my spies located in their area I began stalking her building. No sooner then I had gained access did I receive another tip off. It seems my spies are everywhere these days so beware. Apparently for the 2nd time this week a creepy guy who I believe is known as Gingerlink, although it could be another one of the people out to get me, was stalking my corridor. So deciding its best to ambush someone who believe they are ambushing you I left Pepper's college at 5:45.

Returning to my home at 5:55 I was disappointed to find no sight of my assassin. The blaggard had obviously acheived his 15 minutes before I returned. So with nothing gained other than an extra days competence I sit back for a quiet night in?

I will leave this message, Gingerlink, Pepper and Colin Love, my spies are everywhere, you cannot sneeze without me knowing it, I will find you and I will get you.

Colin Love reports:

At 17:20 there came a knocking at my door. Lo and behold I espied a figure outside. Gathering together my weaponry I proceeded to open the door. Alas my assailant had already fled the scene. He left me a note, in which insinuated that I was cheating due to the use of my ownership of a peephole. He also left by a different exit to the one I lurked. Oh well. He say he'll be back.

Gingerlink reports:

Turning up to Palahniuk's Laughter's locale at 5.45pm, I decided this time to try and make an attack on him before he might go to dinner. Getting increasingly suspicious that some of the other residents may have tipped my target off, I waited around until about 5 past 6, at which point I would've expected him to have left.

Despite the fact his marker said he was in, there was absolutely no response from a final knock on the door, it looks like he's decided to use some sort of reverse reverse psychology on me.

Never mind, my plans for tomorrow include gathering more information by bribing corpses with cheese.

[17:50 PM] Charlotte Maher (Aristotle) is the latest victim in a spate of inco deaths... D.I. Nner is suspected to have something to do with it.
D.I. Nner reports:

Charlotte Maher found outside her house with three standard-issue police bullets in her back. Her friends allegedly attempted to revive her without success.

Aristotle reports:

I was cruelly struck down in my prime today at around 6pm today by the chief of police himself, no less! I was leaving my house to take down one of my targets, when I was shot in the back without a second's warning! However, my killer did provide chocolate, which was some recompense...

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