Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Thursday, 20 November

[08:50 AM] Take some SCIENCE!, add a Big Kahuna Burger, mix in a dash of sneaky-sneaky and what does Cakeface get - another kill, this time of Amy Booth (SCIENCE! AKA ""The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil furries. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the breasts. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finger of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and infurryate my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. AKA Carlsberg don't make pseudonyms. But if they did, they'd be the best pseudonyms.)
Cakeface reports:

What with it being a Thursday morning, Cakeface decided to get up and go for his morning run.

"I've had enough," he thought to himself. "I need to get back to reality for a bit. This is madness. I ought to just go out and leave my weapons at home and just enjoy feeling safe in my own city."

Opening the door a crack, he happened to espy - Oh horror! - none other than the figure of Big Kahuna Burger, lurking in the corridoor!

"Scratch that," thought Cakeface.

Sneaking more sneakily than a batallion of ninja rats in slippers, Cakeface dashed out of the staircase, luckily evading the gaze of his would-be attacker.

Being a resourceful sort of pastry, Cakeface decided it might be a good idea to ambush his ambusher. So, waiting outside his home, weapons in hand, he cowered like a custard tart.

Alas alack! Who should then spring an ambush on him but the nefarious SCIENCE!, wielding a rather oversized and fairly scary looking gun!

Somehow, it seemed that the contraption was no match for the range of Cakeface's sneaky-sneaky, and unfortunately SCIENCE! was sent to an oven-fresh grave by a squirt to the chest. She died most graciously, and seemed like a truly amiable sort, but with Big Kahuna Burger still lingering somewhere nearby, Cakeface, for the first time that morning, fled!

Later, at his morning lectures, Cakeface noticed whilst casting his eyes over the amassed crowd that Big Kahuna Burger had followed him from his home, and - fiddlesticks! - was now seated by the exit.

For the second time that day, Cakeface indulged in some sneaky-sneaky sneaking out of the lecture hall.

Also for the second time that day, Cakeface promptly fled!

Police Corruptible Brooks reports:

Police Corruptible Brooks was walking casually down King's Parade when he bumped into SCIENCE! walking the same way. She mentioned she was going to pop in on an assassin so Police Corruptible Brooks decided to be sociable and go with her. She saw her target lurking by the bikes so drew a CPS 2100 and walked up to him slowly. He fired rubber bands at her and then shot her with a syringe of water. He then ran away. Police Corruptible Brooks was bemused by this whole assassins melarky and was even more surprised when Big Kahuna Burger appeared out of nowhere looking disappointed that Cakeface had run off.
Police Corruptible Brooks had a nagging pain that refused to go away. He went to the dentist who put something on his tooth.
He was now more able than ever to do his duties as a police officer, so he went to visit Matt Parkman who was out (apparently rowing). Police Corruptible Brooks returned home.

SCIENCE! reports:

Investigation n: how good am I at shooting dudes, part b) having neither slept, nor eaten?

Observe the SCIENCE!

Investigation n, part i: in which a cowwupt policeman may be helping me:

Investigation n, part ii: in which cake[face] is so delicious and moist that I seem to be drawn to it:

Investigation n, part iii: in which SCIENCE! HAS FAILED! THE GAME! SCIENCE! HAS FAILED TO BE M.A! (and in which you should listen to moar System of a Down if you didn't get that)

Investigation n says: fail.

Right, I'm going to the pub now.

[15:30 PM] The police force meet up for an incobash - they forgot to bring the incos, but they did bring plenty of fun.
The Hands of Blue reports:

Today myself, D.I. Nner, Raspberry and PC gone mad met for a spot of police incobashing. We also picked up a suspicious-looking blond-haired vagabond who engaged in various near-corruptible offences and also revealed that he had already killed most of our targets. We then visited hank in Selwyn, checked a few nearby haunts, looked up an inco on the police database, looked for hank again, and went home. Not much really happened, sadly.

D.I. Nner reports:

Myself, The Hands of Blue, PC gone mad, Raspberry and Detritus lurked hank, then went for a pint. It was fun.

[19:05 PM] Police Corruptible Brooks is corrupt! Oh no, I never saw that one coming

Oh no! Police Corruptible Brooks is corrupt, and so can now rampage throughout the ranks of the Cambridge Constabulary! The police force should be on their guard... unless they too want to turn to the dark side, in which case they should contact the Umpire.

[20:00 PM] Captain Black uses the force, but fails to find Alcibiades
Captain Black reports:

Captain Black Reporting,

Tonight I managed to get inside Pembroke college, using some guile and a great deal of patience, they have that place locked down like a fortress. I then located the room cc31, the haunt of Alcibiades, by recruiting the help of the local porters (the forces of law and order have to stick together). I readied my weapon and waited, but there was no sign of him. I questioned the local inhabitants of the corridor and discovered that he had fled to the Student Union building. I left frustrated but rest assured I will be back and will chace him across Cambridge if I need to.

Signing out,

Captain Black

[20:01 PM] The crazed corrupt policeman Police Corruptible Brooks mows down Roseanna Pendlebury (P.C. Bob)
P.C. Bob reports:

I was cruelly gunned down outside the round this evening, just after 8pm. Sogginess is unpleasant.

[23:00 PM] Cakeface finds that you can never escape assassins...
Cakeface reports:

Taking a much-needed break from flinging rubber bands all over the place, Cakeface decides to take himself out for a hopefully assassin-free night of merriment.

Whilst shaking his bakey booty, Cakeface is lucky enough - cor blimey! - to overhear what sound like the conversations of one of his unfortunate targets. Espying a chance for a bit of the old sneaky-sneaky, Cakeface dances nearer and tries to listen in.

Taking a break from reporting in the third person, Cakeface would like to clarify the following two points:

1) Fresher assassins are not all *that* rubbish. Please don't put them down so publically. Yes, they may be stupid, and annoying, and turn up in all those weird places you thought were reserved exclusively for dust, paperclips, and the Homerton Lacrosse team, but they have a jolly good time doing just that, and that's what counts according to the chap who lives across the hall.

2) Somebody owes me a fuckload of biscuits.

Sadly, the poor chap/ette then buggers off, without even giving Cakeface a chance to make an attempt. Oh well.

Friday, 21 November

[00:30 AM] John Barrett is followed home by an assassin... or perhaps a real-life stalker?
John Barrett reports:

Whilst walking along Mandingley Road I thought I felt a leak in my bag and so removed my gun to inspect it. It was then that a suspicious person wearing a hood over his head and a scarf hiding his face some distance further up the road spotted me. He refused to give his identity upon questioning and as I retreated he followed me. At one point he produced a weapon and fired at me, but I was just out of range. Once I passed the junction with Grange Road he gave up pursuit and disappeared. I returned to my residence safely.

[13:00 PM] Tinkerbell tries to find Cakeface, but only kills time.
Tinkerbell reports:

What to do on a Friday afternoon?

I had an hour to kill ( ha. ha. ha.) so I rounded up some unsuspecting friends and headed to Pembroke for a relaxed lunch (very pretty College, very accessible by the way).

No sign of Cakeface or in fact any decent cakes either in hall, so I took a little trip to his staircase to see if he was in (which he was not).


[19:20 PM] The final final (for real) phase of the game has now begun... only 2 assassins left now that Tinkerbell has killed John Barrett (Big Kahuna Burger AKA Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt)
John Barrett reports:

I had reason to suspect Tinkerbell might be attending formal hall at Churchill tonight, so I decided to wait by the entrance to the college reading the announcements board while surreptitiously scanning the incoming formal guests for my target. However it seems I am insufficiently confident in my own powers of indentification as when Tinkerbell arrived I dismissed her as being someone else. After a while I gave up and headed back towards my room. Whilst walking down the corridor I passed Tinkerbell coming back the other way but I didn't recognise her until she'd gotten close enough to, for example, run at me with a knife and disembowel me before I had time to react, which happens to be precisely what she did. Curses.

[21:00 PM] Alcibiades is somewhat sceptical of his latest visitor
Alcibiades reports:

Today I was visited by someone claiming to be Jesus. I was rather sceptical, what with Jesus having supposedly been killed a few thousand years ago.

Oh well.

Saturday, 22 November

[12:32 PM] PC T-Aire tries to clean up the force, without success, as the evil Police Corruptible Brooks is nowhere to be found.
PC T-Aire reports:

After managing to drag himself from the warm and cosy protective shell that was his bed, Constable T-Aire decided that he would spend his day off doing a spot of Christmas browsing (he was still waiting for his first paycheque from his new employers). It wasn't until he had left the house and was well on his way (certainly too far to go back) that he discovered he had subconsciously armed himself as he was getting ready. Finding a knife in each pocket and a fully loaded gun and attack dog lurking in his bag, he decided it would be a shame not to at least try to put them to some good use. But upon who...? As he moved through the crowded streets a name lept into his mind, a name so evil, so vile that just this thinking it made a nearby baby start crying and set several dogs barking! TWILLO!! Then he remembered that there was no one currently of that name, so he decided to find Police Corruptible Brooks instead.
Making his way to Trinity, he patrolled the perimeter as well as surrounding streets, constantly scanning the crowd for any signs of the criminal copper but alas there was none. Not wanting to give up, he made his way to [UNSPECIFIED_PUB] where his intended target has been sighted on previous saturday afternoons. There again he lurked amongst the tourists and tradesmen but once again he was disappointed. Following that, he decided to get on with his shopping.

[23:15 PM] Oh no! Our crazy corrupt police officer Police Corruptible Brooks rampages on, murdering Ludmila Demtchenko (Detritus) in cold blood!
Police Corruptible Brooks reports:

Police Corruptible Brooks was dancing the night away, when a beautiful girl fell into his arms. There eyes met, but what he saw there was not passion. It was the gaze of one of D.I. Nner's many followers. Police Corruptible Brooks left her on the dance floor, and ended Detritus's life as she was walking past her house. Police Corruptible Brooks would take them down one by one if he had to.

Detritus reports:

On Saturday night, following a ceilidh in which we had danced together in peace and friendship, Police Corruptible Brooks ruthlessly shot me with a water pistol, as we walked happily along Park Terrace in the 11.15pm moonlight. I was competent at the time.

Sunday, 23 November

[09:30 AM] Cakeface enjoys the snow, but does Tinkerbell?
Cakeface reports:

Cakeface is awakened by the shouts of "snow! snow!" from outside his room. Peeling back his curtains reveals a thick layer of the very stuff coating the entire college. Cakeface loves snow, and so proceeds to get very excited, very excited indeed. In fact, he gets so excited that he just has to go and kill Tinkerbell.

Cakeface turns up at the Chip Shop of Mistaken Identity in search of Tinkerbell. Quickly nipping over to her house, Cakeface is rather disappointed to find that the snow is melting somewhat. Regardless, he decides to hang around for at least a good half hour - and does so.

[10:00 AM] ...turns out Tinkerbell doesn't enjoy the snow, leading to A Jolly Chilly Cakeface
A Jolly Chilly Cakeface reports:

A Jolly Chilly Cakeface friggin hates New Hall. I mean, what's going on there? Are they going for the whole Japanese minimalist designer thing, or simply Bromley council estate? Today they got a bit frinky and decided to deck the place out in snow, but it still looked pretty silly. And there's me, hanging around in an apple tree, freezin my arse off like a baked alaska. For a whole friggin hour.

Jolly good that A Jolly Chilly Cakeface remembered to bring his gloves. No sign of Tinkerbell. Around about quarter to eleven, it suddenly dawned on me that I knew where she'd be, and it sure as heck wasn't in New Hall.


Monday, 24 November

[01:46 AM] Gingerlink receives a message from beyond the grave.
Gingerlink reports:

I finally opened the mysterious letter in my pigeonhole, despite it only being addressed to my first name which was shared by someone else who also uses the same pigeonhole. I had not opened it due to this mysterious fact but it turns out it was intended for me all along.

It appears to date back to the time I was alive, with a request for help from the only other remaining fresher at the time.

Oh well, best to get back to usual business:
"All we want to do is eat your brains,
We're not unreasonable, I mean no one's gonna eat your eyes..."

Zombie Gingerlink

[08:45 AM] Hooray! We have a winner! Coryan Wilson-Shah (Cakeface AKA Leyla AKA A Jolly Chilly Cakeface) gives Bonnie Kar Bo Chow (Tinkerbell) an early morning wake-up call, and in doing so wins the game!
Cakeface reports:

After recovering from the previous day's chilliness, Cakeface decides he really ought to do something about this Tinkerbell girl.

Heading back over to the Chip Shop of Mistaken Identity, Cakeface wanders on over to Tinkerbell's house as nonchalantly as one can when one's water pistol is leaking quite obviously all over the front of one's hoodie.

Cakeface quickly takes up position behind a handy tree. Minutes go by. Cakeface once again begins to resemble a baked alaska.

After a long while, Tinkerbell pokes her head from behind her door, and makes her way over to the bike sheds. Cakeface quickly runs around to catch her coming out the other side.

Being a lucky sort of Cake, he does.

Like a victoria sponge in an oven pre-heated to gas mark four, the sun begins to rise. Cakeface heads home for some celebratory face-stuffing. Likely involving cake.

Tinkerbell reports:

well done coryan :)

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