Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 0 News

Thursday, 16 October

[05:00 AM] The game begins!
The Umpire reports:

Contender: Rrready!!!!

Gladiator: Rrrready!!!




(Carnage ensues)

All that remains for me to say now is that there are between n and N live players out there for you to kill before the end of term, good luck!!

[10:55 AM] Jiminez makes a good start on their 5-a-day fruit and veg by slicing up Sam Bayliss (Parsnip)
Jiminez reports:

Assassinated Sam Bayliss with a pen labelled 'KNIFE' outside Bristol-Myers Squibb Lecture theatre at around 10:55 am as he was unlocking his bike.

[11:30 AM] Hovis uses their loaf to help Christine Peters kill Julie Chan (knawit)
Christine Peters reports:

At around half 11 today i killed Julie Chan in her room with a killer bear. i used a fellow assassin, Hovis, to help me to gain entry without suspicion.

[12:40 PM] Attack! But amazingly, he fights back and kills Michael Donaghy (The Man with the Iron Flask)
Michael Donaghy reports:

Guess the quick draw isn't everything.

amazingly, he reports:

At around 12:40pm today, I was attacked by Michael Donaghy, who lost.

[12:50 PM] Dave The Slave goes where few have gone before...
Dave The Slave reports:

Not wanting to hang about, Dave The Slave has gotten a start on things. As he happened to have a few minutes spare in an otherwise busy day, he decided to go for a wander. Whilst wandering, lonely as a cloud, he happened upon Homerton College. "Ha ha" he thought to himself "this name rings a bell. I think I should investigate further..." So acting on this sudden impulse, he ventured in and took in the sights and sounds of the aforementioned institution. Looking back on the event, Dave feels that he has definitely learned something.

[18:45 PM] Michael Hook (ken adams) gets more food than he bargained for at Clare Buttery - killed by Chili
Chili reports:

Michael Hook was discreetly bananaed down (with a suitably marked banana) today in Clare Buttery (at 18:45) to his shock and amazement. There were no witnesses...

[21:20 PM] Someone has been a bad boy...Kai Zeng (Rufus) is slain, along with 2 innocents, making Tom Wootten the first wanted criminal of the game.
Tumbarumba reports:

Yeah, I'm never gonna win, so this can be the game I go psycho.

[21:50 PM] Tom Wootten almost has the shortest wanted rampage ever
Tom Wootten reports:

It's amazing what some written-on paper and sticky tape can do to the sharpness of a blade.

The Umpire would like to point out to assassins that weapons such as knives and banana guns must be labelled, otherwise your kill does not count.

[23:25 PM] Palahniuk's Laughter underestimates the size of Orinoco's weapon, though in the end, neither is adequately endowed.
Orinoco reports:

Just had someone attempt to assassinate me. Don't know who. Basically he got an accomplice to knock on my door and I came out with a machete because I'm paranoid and then he jumped me. Except he missed and I had a big knife. Then there was then a bit of a standoff as I locked my door.

Palahniuk's Laughter reports:

Despite making an attempt on someones life Palahniuk's Laughter is left feeling incompetent. After wandering to Fitz tongiht, I did not expect someone to be so prepared. Using an ally to knock on the door, it was answered by just a sword belonging to Orinoco my prepared target. Having to leave obvious weapons at home, I was left with a pen 'Knife' and elastic bands. A lunge with the knife failed due to fear of the sword and lacking target practice meant the band whistled past my potential victims head. Orinoco then cowardly locked himself in his room. Palahniuk's Laughter will have to wait for another day when he is better endowned in the weapon department.

Friday, 17 October

[00:20 AM] Orinoco is popular tonight...
Orinoco reports:

He knocked on my door again and im still paranoid.

[09:45 AM] Giles Fleming (Mr Scrub) is cleaned up by gauzo
Mr Scrub reports:

Well, they say the good die young. They're wrong, of course, but there it is...

Giles Fleming (Mr Scrub) staked out gauzo's room for an hour or so this morning, but bodged his first shot giving his target time to dive into the bathroom. Bizarrely, gauzo then returned with a Samurai sword which he certainly didn't have when he went in, and after I ran out of rubber bands he quickly sliced off my knife arm before finishing me off with a few strikes to the chest.

Here endeth Mr Scrub

gauzo reports:

i killed some motherfucker called Mr Scrub today. felt gooooood.

[09:50 AM] Little Miss Awful meets a Flying pig
Little Miss Awful reports:

Skipped along to St. Catz this morning to get acquainted with my target. Alas, I was outwitted - a short cut through Corpus and he was away...

Never mind, there's always next time.

[09:55 AM] Jiminez discreetly rampages on - Faraz Dianat (Sergio) his latest victim
Jiminez reports:

Assassinated Faraz Dianat discretely in foyer of the Bristol-Myers Squibb lecture theatre using a pen labelled 'KNIFE'. Tracked target at the beginning of the lecture and sat one row behind him in order to make sure that this was the genuine target- overheard something to do with the guild which confirmed it was him (I managed to get a picture of him the previous day).

[11:01 AM] Richard Conyngham (Sergey Secker) resigns from the game.

[12:00 PM] Plato's greeting to Theodore Sanderson (Aardvark) was not very Platonic (yes, this really was the best headline I could come up with)
Plato reports:

Having spotted Theodore Sanderson at two lectures this morning, I decided to use the dagger hidden in my boot and inform him he was officially dead at 12:00 this morning, outside one of the lecture halls in the Sedgwick Museum of Earth Sciences. He took it well, I must say :P

Aardvark reports:

I regret to inform you of my recent death. On the way to the Physiology Lecture Room I stopped off to make an attempt on Fonterius's life at Pembroke. I was thwarted by his absence.

Coming out of the Geology lecture my mind wandered and I answered "Er... hi" to a stranger's "hello". My friendliness was met with her cold steel.

[13:00 PM] Carnage! Paul Cookson (Heinz) kills Carol Sparke (Monstra Mihi Pecuniam) but amazingly, he kills him too!
Monstra Mihi Pecuniam reports:

I was rather neatly bang-killed from behind at approximately 1pm today, in the corridor outside Mill Lane Lecture Room 3. I didn't catch the name of the person who killed me, but he was swiftly executed for bearing by amazingly, he.

amazingly, he reports:

I, at around 1pm today, observed Paul Cookson shooting Carol Sparke in the back; I then shot him in the back. Unfortunately there was no-one behind me to continue this chain.

[13:30 PM] Borat killed Ludmila Demtchenko (Enkidu) with his trusty banana

[14:48 PM] Henry R.B. Duke is out of town this weekend... anyone ever wanted to visit Bath? I hear it's particularly nice this time of year.
Henry R.B. Duke reports:

Henry R.B.Duke will be away from Cambridge this weekend. Leaving tonight at [UNSPECIFIED_TIME] and returning sometime on Sunday. If any assassins happen to be in Bath...need I say more...?



[15:30 PM] The Shadowy Hedgehog goes after Shadow shrew... whoever said assassins are creatures who don't like sunlight?
The Shadowy Hedgehog reports:

I tried to gain entry to Shadow shrew's room to attack foam darts to his head, but was refused entry. :(

[17:45 PM] Anyone for sliced bread? Logan is - bad luck Zoe Holder (Hovis)
Hovis reports:

At approximately 17:45, there was a knock on my door. Suspecting that it was an assassin, I grabbed my killer bear and knife and clambered out of the window with great stealth and elegance... I reentered Blue Boar I corridor, to meet the assassin Logan at the other end. Evidently he had learned that I was after him. After a brief stare-off, I lunged at him, lobbing the killer bear with all the might I could muster. Sadly, my hand/eye co-ordination failed me, not for the first time, and the bear bounced off the wall. Knife drawn from my hoody pocket, I attempted to kill Logan with a surprise back-up weapon, but he was too quick for me. Stabbed in the stomach a fraction of a second before I could get to him, we both fell to the ground arguing loudly over who was dead. After a girlish tantrum, I conceded defeat. Now there is no more bread for anyone :(

Logan reports:

Having found out that I was being targeted by a Zoe Holder(being next to her when she reads her email helps), and with false information about Zoe being at the sidgwick site, I proceed down on my bike from Churchill. Realising she had probably left by the time I got there, I proceed up the streets of Cambridge to Trinity College. Knowing it was a risky move, I knock on Zoe's door and move down the corridor. After a short delay, I see Zoe on the other side of the corridor. Noting that she has a killer teddy and all I have is a knife, I attempt to flee from through the door, however can not get it open. Fortunatly, however, I duck and Zoe misses. I also manage to stab Zoe with my knife at the same time, and we both fall to the ground. There was however no girly argument as Zoe claims, and any argument which would have occured would be far more manly on my part, "which would make a nice change" says Zoe. These events happened at about 17:45 today.

[18:50 PM] Stephen Cairns (Caleb)'s pleasant conversation with Luke Bennett rudely interrupted by being stabbed to death!
Caleb reports:

Was approached on my way home by Luke Bennett, claiming not to be a raging psychopath... but he was :(

I have no need for a pseudonym cos I am going wanted (low redemption conditions please!) reports:

Oh noez! Guess I'm wanted :o

[19:00 PM] Luke Bennett kills 2 innocents, including Innocent III
I have no need for a pseudonym cos I am going wanted (low redemption conditions please!) reports:

Well I didn't think they were playing, but better to be safe than sorry.

Innocent III reports:

He killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point.
The Guild Updates page called it a roaring rampage of revenge.
Once upon a time I roared and I rampaged and I got plenty of satisfaction.
And if I were him, right now I'd be going to Kill Will.

[19:03 PM] Some more news for the Daily Mail: Sarah Knight (Ladybird) is killed by the Diana Conspiracy
Diana Conspiracy reports:

Around 16:00 I paid a visit to Queen's to establish the nature of Sarah Knight's abode. She was not in, but I managed to secure several escape routes from her landing.

At 19:03 I returned to her landing, entered her staircase, knocked on her door, walked round the corner, slipped my shoes off (a necessity, as she seemed to possess a particularly musical landing floor) and scurried to hide myself in the bathroom opposite her room. Throwing an empty Oasis beverage carton against her door, I heard the muffled sounds of a gun being sought. The door opened...

I am now saddened to report that just 5 seconds later I heard the distinctive twanging of that very same fellow assassin's mortal coil snapping. In an unbelievable coincidence, this occurred at exactly the same time two of my Nerf darts found their way onto her person. I find this odd, as they were in my guns milliseconds before. I am confused, but ready to go on the hunt for a new target.

Yours, Diana Conspiracy

[19:13 PM] The Tamegoose finds their doorhandle has been poisoned.
The Tamegoose reports:

I'm not a 100% sure but I believe that there was a attempted assassination attempt made against me on Friday my door handle was poisoned. I managed to remove the poison safely but I also wonder whether this is allowed as it isn't a direct kill anyway.

The Umpire would like to note that contact poison is not allowed in this game, and any assassins discovered using it will be made wanted as a minimum penalty. Any deaths which occur via contact poison will be annulled.

[20:30 PM] Oliver Dominik Caspari (The Duke of France) is coolly mown down by Ghost Dog
Ghost Dog reports:

Ghost Dog's business is killing and business is good; Oliver Dominik Caspari got 3 bands and a chill hello as he opened his door in Homerton at 8.30 tonight. No-one knows how Ghost Dog got in.

The Duke of France reports:

I've been killed on the second day!

It was really unlucky. I was speeding out of my room because I had an appointment, and the assassine obviously had just found out which room I'm in, so he hadn't even knocked on my door; just stood in front of it and - bang - a rubber band ended my existence as assassine (at least for this term). that's it, basically.

[22:20 PM] Chili is a bit too hot for James Wilkinson Barwise (thefishmonger)
Chili reports:

Tonight, while taking a short break from Clare ents, found me wandering though Trinity Hall at around 10:20. After a brief search of the area, I found James Wilkinson Barwise enjoying himself in the college bar. His enjoyment was cut short after he foolishly replied to his name...

thefishmonger reports:

"Standing by the draughty door and of course the Chili comes in..." So there I was, standing in the Trinity Hall JCR, soaking up the atmosphere, after a rather amazing SuperHall - by the door to outside, since I needed some fresh air - when suddenly out of nowhere, Chili approaches me and stabs me in the heart with a pen(knife). I was inadvertently betrayed by a close friend...

[23:15 PM] Luke Bennett shoots lots of innocents

Note from the Umpire: Assassins should not shoot indiscriminately into crowds on the off chance that some of them might be assassins, particularly with large water weapons. This could lead to you being removed from the game.

[23:35 PM] Silberpfeil (Frederic Kau) realises just too late that morph is his assassin
morph reports:

Success! Just to let you know that Frederic Kau is eliminated and I'm ready for a new target.

He was killed last night near Magdalene bridge. All I had to do was call him, he started walking towards me until he realised I had a water pistol in my hand. He started to turn round before I shot him twice in the head and once in the torso.

Saturday, 18 October

[11:20 AM] Calvin Qiu (E. Vil) gets on the wrong end of some Clay Pigeon shooting
Clay Pigeon reports:

I infiltrated the college during the earl hours of morning, having been trained to be awake at any hours throgh the medium of the secret course NatSci. My accomplice guided me to the target's lair, and it was a simple matter of jumping out and killing the target when he opened the door.

Over and out!

[12:05 PM] Sam Eaton-Rosen (Cisrah) is beaten in the race of life by Eric Blair
Eric Blair reports:

In Great Court, the bell tolls for Sam Eaton-Rosen. Eric Blair is at the finishing line.

[13:30 PM] D.I. Nner pounds the streets of Cambridge in search of the wanted criminal Tom Wootten
D.I. Nner reports:

Ah, the familiar feel of the Cantabrigian cobbles! The beauty of her green, bushy areas, and her erect towers, so proud against the icy breath of the North!

Oo-er. Pain. D.I. Nner felt the sole of his feet erupt as his corns crumpled under his weight, and he twisted onto the ground, rolling around like a toppled turtle. 'Oooooyah!' Maybe he shouldn't have eaten all those doughnuts for breakfast. He panted and wheezed his way up. Office work it was, then. He headed for the Station.

[13:45 PM] Counter-Attack!!! Lydia Katsouli-Pantzidou (Kittykats) and her accomplice boyfriend where struck down by Chili
Chili reports:

After a relaxed morning was leaving my room today at 1:45 to see two suspicious looking people walk past me on the stairs. It only struck me a few minutes later (when i noticed them sitting on the stairs apparently awaiting my return) that they were out to assasinate me! I quickly located a weapon and snuck up the stairs and stabbed the pair, my would be assasin and her accomplice (though I of course could not tell who was which), though the banisters of the staircase before they had a chance to attack. The assasin took the blow to her back, and the accomplice may have been struck in the arm but it was hard to tell. Although praising my cunning, the assasin swore revenge before she left.

[16:15 PM] Caecilius found that The Swan of Mantua was not in and then that Lydia Katsouli-Pantzidou (Kittykats) was in but already dead. How unfortunate!
Caecilius reports:

4.15pm: Visited The Swan of Mantua and found he was either out or a coward.

5.45pm: Attempted a knife kill on Lydia Katsouli-Pantzidou outside of her room, but after stabbing her found out that she was already dead.

[16:31 PM] Andrew Marr's Rabid Eels swam after the golden boy but, alas, he was a bit too good at evading them.

[17:30 PM] morph is reluctant to accept Irvine Kineas's 'birthday present'
Irvine Kineas reports:

I had waited with my girlfriend outside morph's block for 30 minutes before one of the other people in his block came past, going in. I told him there were two people waiting outside to wish him Happy Birthday. However, I was unprepared for how cautious my target would be, and he made a friend open the door for him so he could see who it was. Knowing I only had one chance, I attempted to deliver my birthday present (a gun carefully placed under a Sainsbury's bag), alas the projectile fired travelled the tiniest bit too slowly, allowing morph to "matrix dodge" out the way, and his friend closed the door. Rats.

morph reports:

There was an assassination attempt on my life today. People asked my roommate to let them into our staircase, I walked downstairs and managed to dodge a bullet aimed at my chest. They then scarpered off.

The Umpire would like to note that if you try to get non-players to open your door to people you suspect are assassins, if they get killed you may be made wanted for placing an innocent's life in danger.

[18:00 PM] Eric Blair is a bit late for his meeting with Zoe Holder
Eric Blair reports:

It's raining men when Eric Blair makes a friendly house call on the late Zoe Holder. Very late, as she explained she died yesterday. The third man (CCC, curly haired cross dresser from Clare) fails to act.

[18:30 PM] The Swan of Mantua experiences enlightenment - Hector Miller-Bakewell (Request that umpire makes one up?) experiences death.
The Swan of Mantua reports:

It was dinnertime, and since I was feeling peckish I decided to stroll over to my target's gyp room to see if there were any sugar-based items of an edible nature to be found in their natural habitat. Alas, fortune had her back turned towards me and all I found was but a dripping tap. As I rested my weary legs I happened to deposit a plastic jet-expelling container beneath said tap and to my astonishment it filled itself of its own volition. Not one to begrudge a miraculous occurrence (and risk the wrath of Drippy, the fifth teletubbie and god of drips and dribblers) I braced myself to use this container on the next person to pass by. I did. And lo and behold this person, my target, was no more.

I shall never doubt thy divinity again Drippy. You were wrongly outcast from the show. The Swan of Mantua.

[18:39 PM] Tom Wootten has absconded to Scotland!
Tom Wootten reports:

The Umpire would like to inform players that Mr. Wootten will be back in Cambridge on Tuesday morning. He may have brought back souvenirs for all you lovely assassins, or perhaps not... more details will follow.

[19:06 PM] Optimus Prime, T-unit and Starlet fought a war against the decepticons!!! James Hutchinson (Parallax) was slain in the war, oh noes!
T-unit reports:

At 19:06 on Saturday, T-unit paid a courtesy call to James Hutchinson to give him the good news from a well labelled Banana/Gun. Fellow assassin Starlet was used to distract the young man and the Banana/Gun prodded in his back with a bang. Alas, the end of Master James Hutchinson.

[19:20 PM] Starlet pays Rob Mindell (Snoop-Dog-Top-Cat-Danger-Mouse) a deadly visit
Starlet reports:

At about 19:20 Starlet managed to kill Rob Mindell from St Catharine's College, using the help of fellow assassin T-Unit to make Rob open the door.

Sunday, 19 October

[11:50 AM] A wise man once said "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you., his peers then shunned him and for countless generations his clan were labelled at outcasts. This wise man then lashed out and killed Sarah Martin (Mallory) for some reason I have not thought of yet.
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. reports:

Jules: What does Michael Wallace look like?
Sarah: What?
Jules: What country are you from?
Sarah: What?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What"?!
Sarah: What?
Jules: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!
Sarah: Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm saying. Describe, what Michael Wallace, looks like!
Sarah: What?
Jules: [points water pistol at Sarah] Say "what" again! Say "what" again. I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! Say "what" one more god damn time!
Sarah: He-he's white.
Jules: Go on!
Sarah: He's blind.
Jules: Does he look like a furry?
Sarah: What?!
Jules: [shoots Sarah in the arm, Sarah screams] a furry?!
Sarah: [in pain] No-o!!
Jules: Then why'd you try to fuck him like a furry, Sarah?
Sarah: I didn't!
Jules: Yes, you did! Yes, you did, Sarah! You tried to fuck him, and Michael Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mr. Warran. You read the Bible, Sarah?
Sarah: Yes!
Jules: Well, there's this passage I've got memorized that sort of fits this occasion. Ezekiel 25:17.

[Jules shoots Sarah]

Sarah Martin reports:

My name is Sarah Martin and i have just been killed by a very stealthy and clever assassin. He gained access to my room through the cunning method of an open door and proceeded to pepper me with bullets, of the water veriaty. Needless to say, death has been a bitter pill to swallow.

[13:30 PM] Kettchy was just too much to handle for Ong Bi Hui (funkaymonkay)
Kettchy reports:

*Arrived at room
*Wondered whether to knock
*Target opened door and received a rather anti-climatic bang-kill to the head with a plastic pirate pistol (with sound effects and flashing muzzle light!)for her trouble
*Felt vaguely guilty
*Also felt somewhat relieved that knocking was chosen course of action - target wasn't exactly appropriately dressed for social interaction

[14:13 PM] D.I. Nner is on the beat. Won't somebody think of the children... Luke Bennett and Tom Wootten are still at large!
D.I. Nner reports:

D.I. Nner whistled as he stomped his beat, twirling his baton and thought about how mundane and stereotypical his career was. As he rounded a roundabout, he spotted a large crowd gathered around a small item on the floor. " 'Allo 'allo 'allo, what have we here, me laddies?" exclaimed D.I. Nner. A single used cartridge from a large-caliber weapon lay on the floor, near a drop of something deeply magenta in colour. Someone had been up to no good, and D.I. Nner would find out who!

D.I. Nner staggered home, tired from a day's... well, not really work. There had been a lot of doughnuts... and some forms which he supposed counted as work, but had mostly been for free holidays and the like... but never mind, he had a good cup o' tea waiting for him, and his slippers. Then from the crowd before him loomed a terrible vision, the face of that most evil and despicable criminal, Tom Wootten! D.I. Nner dropped the doughnut he'd been munching and stumbled backwards, attempting to draw his baton... then he realised, it was in fact the good, God-fearing citizen UNSPECIFIED_LAW_ABIDING_CITIZEN, a friend of his brother's. He smiled, composed himself and greeted the man, before hurriedly departing, his face purple with embarassment.

[16:40 PM] Irvine Kineas attempted to sneaky sneaky morph but morph managed to momentarily turn the tables before nothing very exciting happened. Ho hum.
Irvine Kineas reports:

Today (19th October), about 16:40pm, I gained entry to morph's block, through someone else opening the door. After having a friendly chat with some of his friends, I decided it was time to leave, as he was not in. As I approached the door, I heard voices outside. Looking through the peephole, I saw my target and a non-player accomplice. They were discussing how best to jump me, and they seemed to know I was inside (obviously he was warned via mobile phone).

They decided that he was going to wait for me to come out, and then bang shot me with a banana. I waited silently until he turned his back, and then opened the door and shot my gun blindly through the doorway, completely missing him (but nearly hitting his accomplice). He attempted to BANG shot me when he saw me, but he was much too far away.

We both came rushing in to close combat, and my pen-knife wounded his right arm just as his banana-gun BANG shot at point blank through my left arm (and made a nice banana stain on my new hoodie). After a brief discussion of the aforementioned events, we retreated with our nearly-severed limbs, both living to fight another day.

Miraculously, my arm somehow healed on my way back to college, since by the time I was back in my room, it was as good as new.

The Umpire would like to note that Banana Guns should primarily be used when taking someone by surprise, they are not designed to be used as a weapon for combat and The Umpire will take a dim view of any people running at their targets shouting "BANG BANG BANG."

[18:48 PM] Matt Hickford murders an innocent man, well not that innocent I guess... he did have a beard.
Matt Hickford reports:

I mistook him for my target who is similarly bearded. The guy i did kill said he has played assassins but wasn't playing this game, of course, that's what they all say.

Dan Craik reports:

Dearest Umpire,

I had thought that the sins of my previous incarnations had been absolved through my own demise. I had thought that as a reformed man I would finally be able to live out a life of peace, free of bloodshed, paranoia and senseless killing. I had thought wrong...


[20:45 PM] Colin Love is not blind
Colin Love reports:

At 8:45 today I heard a knocking at my door. Dimming the lights, I saw the no-one outside. I waited a moment and then received another knocking. Then the knave showed his profile. I waited still further, and another villain showed his face. I was most concerned. Then the first knave actually tried to open my door! You can imagine my surprise when I spotted a third and fourth associate, all trying to peep through my door. I was having none of this and decided against my original plan to follow these chaps and direct them to the quickest way out.
I dub these scoundrels the "Peeping Mafia" and may they soon be wiped from the blessed land of Cambridge.

[22:20 PM] A Zsolt Kristof Vertessy (n00bage) error allowed Tinkerbell to prove the formula Nerf >> Fairy Dust.
Tinkerbell reports:

Tinkerbell flew to Christ's and zapped Zsolt Kristof Vertessy with nerf gun!!!

Lured victim out with random mumble about "thing in the kitchen" before shooting in chest with nerf gun. During a request for identity, victim's neighbour came out into the corridor, astounding all present with the declaration that names were not required for the 'Fault Book' in Christ's. Interesting.... Anyhow, Nerf gun >> fairy dust.

n00bage reports:

Hi there, I've been assassinated :( A girl knocked on my door claiming something was broken in the kitchen, and, being an idiot I opened the door as she looked like one of the girls on my corridor. It happened at 10.20, I don't know their names.

[22:20 PM] Jonathan Tims (The Stroke) couldn't handle the Pepper, it can be a bitter pill to swallow.
Pepper reports:

I went to a meeting of *unspecified society* this evening planning to lurk a nearby target on the way. Being unable to find said target's staircase (damn you, Trinity architects!) I proceeded to the meeting, where I was delighted to hear the host say that his friend Jonathan Tims would be coming along later. What a lovely coincidence, as I was very keen to meet Jon! He did indeed turn up, and we passed a pleasant evening in conversation and silliness. At last the penguin was dropped, and we stood around chatting as I watched the seconds tick by for the requisite 5 minutes. My target very nicely offered to walk me to the gate and let me out. Upon exiting the host's room, I coshed Jon with a baby seal, then used his momentary unconsciousness to dig out a knife (it was pretty, and purple, and felt-tipped) and stab him in the heart. He was still kind enough to walk me out though :)

Monday, 20 October

[09:54 AM] Not even a Brook Roberts (Flying pig) is safe from Little Miss Awful!
Little Miss Awful reports:

I said I would get him next time, and I did. Approaching from behind, he ran at the sound of his name but it was futile, as the knife was plunged deep into his upper back. Brook Roberts is no more...

Brook Roberts reports:

Learnt that being vigilant for the first half of my walk to lectures isn't really enough. Was assassinated today at 9.55. He called my name and after I turned around we looked at each other, and indecisiveness killed me. Stabbed with a pen.

[10:00 AM] "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. is missing something... maybe it is Luke Bennett, ooh shiny!
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. reports:

I'm prepared to scour the Earth for that motherfucker. If Luke goes to Indo-China, I want a furry hiding in a bowl of rice waiting to pop a cap in his ass.

[13:01 PM] Christine Peters has something against alcoholics apparently, and killed Parin Shah (RAMIEREZ)
Christine Peters reports:

I spotted Parin Shah in my lecture today, so as we left the lecture, just before 1pm, i made small talk with him about his apparently infamous drunken debauchery. With his guard down, and knowing it was him, i then proceeded to stab my victim through his alcoholic heart. Strangely, noone noticed his blood spill over the walls as the light faded from his eyes...

[17:50 PM] Dave The Slave reporting in
Dave The Slave reports:

[17:50] Dave The Slave took delivery of his new Boom Stick today :oD

[19:30 PM] That dangerous wanted criminal, Luke Bennett, murdered Sam Atkinson (Phil the Brontosaurus), can nobody stop his rampage?
Luke Bennett reports:

So I actually killed one of my targets - I must be going soft. I followed this up by fraternizing with the Umpire (a highly pleasurable experience) and some "innocents".

[22:30 PM] Chris Milligan (Diana Conspiracy) managed to defend himself against Gareth Tear (Orinoco) before dying to Paul "The Hammer" Dickinson
Diana Conspiracy reports:

It is my duty to inform you of my untimely demise.

At 22:30 this evening two ambitious assassins (Gareth Tear - my assassin - and his accomplice Paul "The Hammer" Dickinson) travelled through space and time to my Girton-based Command Centre. Ringing my doorbell as I innocently washed up from dinner, I was forced into a momentary panic, before holding myself steady against the kitchen door, contemplating my next move.

Hearing my assailants' lamentations about their potentially wasted journey as they stood in wait outside my front door, I readied my dual Nerf pistols and stuffed a long-range rubber band gun into the back of my trousers. I then sneaked out of my rear patio door and crept around the house to hole up behind a strategicaly placed wheely-bin, catching my first view of The Enemy. With bated breathe I watched, as they began to talk of posting a friendly note through my letter box.

Heroically, I charged them from the darkness. Catching them by surprise I unloaded a round into Gareth Tear's chest as he brandished a machete, removing him of the troubles of this life. My attention turned to Paul "The Hammer" Dickinson and I fired again, this time missing. The bolt-action nature of my guns was my undoing as I spent precious time reloading. Paul "The Hammer" Dickinson then took refuge behind two parked cars, as I came in for the chase, bullets whizzing both ways the whole time. As my slugs ran dry I was forced to draw the rubber-band gun from its posterior refuge, and, aiming squarely at my opponent, it promptly misfired. I was then cut down by a Nerf Maverick, outside my own front door.

I tried. I failed. Farewell cruel 'Bridge...

Special credit to my assailants for their long-distance efforts.

Diana Conspiracy

Gareth Tear reports:

After agreeing to make the long treck to Girton college late one night with a fellow assassin as we both hard separate targets in that area, things started to go downhill. My fellow assassin had not done his research and we discovered that infact his target lay in the more central Girton college area. No matter - my target still remained. The treck continued out to the far reaches of Girton high street where it was wrongly assumed that the target would be at ease. He was not. I ate lead.

Paul "The Hammer" Dickinson reports:

'Twas a dark and stormy night in Cambridge (20th October), and following a most civilised formal hall, two unlikely assassins (Paul "The Hammer" Dickinson and Orinoco) decided to team up to tackle a target whose distance from the city centre had previously afforded him a kind of invincibility. That's right - only two brave souls could be bothered to walk all the way up to Girton at 10 o'clock at night.

After a long journey, we finally arrived at his target Diana Conspiracy's house; lights were on in the kitchen, and someone was doing the washing up. I stood back as Orinoco pressed the doorbell, stuffing his machete stealthily down the front of his trousers. We waited. After pressing the bell several more times, we noticed the kitchen was eerily empty. Tense minutes past. Orinoco paced up and down by the front door, cursing loudly. Why wouldn't he come out and face sweaty machette justice? I drew my Nerf gun and pretended to shoot things.

I wouldn't have to pretend for long.

Diana Conspiracy burst out from behind the side entrance we'd neglected to check, unleashing a volley of pistol shots.Orinoco was mowed down in the initial charge, and I heroically ran behind some parked cars. With Orinoco dead, Diana Conspiracy turned his attention on me, both trading shots over bonnets and roofs, ducking and weaving, until finally one of my bullets found its mark. Orinoco had been avenged. My job was done.

[22:54 PM] Charlotte Schoonman (Plato) and Cakeface venture into unknown territory and eventually find Christine Peters and Scubbo too much to handle.
Christine Peters reports:

I got off the phone todsy and heard a noise outside the kitchen I was in. On the stairs, I discovered two assassins dressed in black, one holding what looked like a staff. I talked to them and learned that they were after Scubbo, and that he was hiding from them in his room. I only had a knife on me, so thought it unwise to attack them, and instead kept talking to them until they gave up and left. Immediately, I ran into Scubbo's room and we set off after them, Scubbo in a dressing gown armed with a water gun, and me with a knife and no shoes. I pulled my socks off as we reached the gravel, and managed to run the wrong way out of the court, before we ran towards the exit, past the plodge, and out onto the road, where we saw them at a distance. I was slightly ahead when we caught up with the assassins and realised my knife might not be a very effective weapon against two assassins. Fortunately, Scubbo caught up and fired off his water gun, killing one assassin, and as far as i am aware, only wounding the other severely.

Cakeface reports:

Plato and Cakeface commence a daring assault upon (name of college removed) college, but after maiming their quarry as he hides behind a door, their plans are foiled by an army of doppelgangers.

During the retreat, the pair are caught off-guard by a surprisingly pyjama-clad Scubbo and a knife-wielding lunkey. Sadly, Plato is gunned down in the carnage, but Cakeface makes a lucky escape due to an injured hand...

Plato reports:

Cakeface and Plato infiltrated their way into Clare College at about 22:30 this evening, finding Scubbo's room a nest of henchmen out to confuse us as to the identity of the actual target. A surprise attack at the door only resulted in the injury of his left hand, after which a rather confusing siege ensued. More apparent assassins joined in the fray, and ultimately, Cakeface and Plato retreated to the streets, determined not to let the night waste away. However, our attempt at escape was thwarted by Scubbo's water gun and his crony who was possibly just there for kicks. I was gunned down- Cakeface lives to fight another day.

The Umpire would like to remind assassins that if your limbs are shot off, you should not use them for the remainder of the encounter.

Scubbo reports:

Success! After days of frustrated searching and dreams shattered by locked doors, I was beginning to think this whole game was an elaborate ruse concocted to fool Freshers!

After stocking up on weapons from the Clare mafia's arms dealer, I was happily watching a film in my room when there came a knock at the door. Cautiously opening it and peering out I was confronted with a face hidden by a neckscarf and a gun barrel. Ducking back behind the door, they still managed to wing me, and I retreated to the bathroom to tend my bleeding left arm.

As time went by the cage began to rankle, and I yearned to be a man and face my attackers! Suddenly, there came a frenzied tapping 'pon my chamber door - it was Christine Peters, telling me that the scoundrels had just high-tailed it out of Clare and if we were fast we could still catch them - and fast we were! Disregarding the painful pebbles, we flew on winged feet (and rather smart dressing gowns) through the college in chase of my would-be assailants. As soon as they drew swords in readiness, I whipped out my mighty weapon and dealt with them both in swift order. In the post-encounter chat, there was some issue as to whether my shooting had been double- or single-handed - Plato, however, graciously accepted her defeat. Her companion lives on to avenge her - I continue to watch my back!

[23:01 PM] Colin Love receives a mysterious note
Colin Love reports:

Imagine my surprise when upon returning from an evening's stroll just after 11 when I espied a roll of paper tucked into my doorframe. This is what it said:

Dear Colin,
Luck runs out mate, heros looking at you,
You Assassin

Gosh! Seems some cad knows my secret! I looked around but could find no heroes, or anyone else for that matter in the vicinity. Must be using X-ray vision or some such.

Tuesday, 21 October

[08:40 AM] Haukr and the very hungry caterpillar bring Harald Carlens (Steven Spielberg) and Harry Huang (The blapper) breakfast in bed - unfortunately, this morning, breakfast is rubber bands.
Haukr reports:

This morning at around 8.40 a fellow assassin (the very hungry caterpillar) and I attempted to suprise (and kill) our two targets, Harry Huang and Harald Carlens, who, as we had learned, had rooms next to one another. We waited for a while, gaining a few supicious looks from passers by, but Harry Huang himself was not suspicious enough and was shot in the back by my fellow assassin for his troubles! We then journeyed up to Harald Carlens's room, which he had unwisely left unlocked. I walked in and tried to shoot him but my band gun jammed, at which point he covered his face with the duvet, and a few seconds later uncovered it to be shot by my (now functionning) gun. They were shot at 8.50 and 8.55 respectively.

[08:45 AM] Our glorious CoP D.I. Nner tries to locate the evil criminal Tom Wootten, without success (perhaps he should cut down on the doughnuts).
D.I. Nner reports:

D.I. Nner's globular blancmange body quivered as he paced around in the icy morning breeze. He'd been waiting for well over an hour, and this anonymous tip-off had really failed to deliver anything worthwhile. He began to hallucinate, dreaming of doughnut taxis and cake buses. It was going to be one of those days...

[12:00 PM] Duncan Noel Edward Stibbard Hawkes ('Wild Stabby' aka 'The Mysterious D') stops to make pleasant conversation, and receives Five rounds, rapid to the chest for his trouble.
Five rounds, rapid reports:

At around 12:00, on my way to lunch, a stranger asked me if I knew where he could buy new shoe laces. After a pleasant discussion of the merits and difficulties of various subjects I asked this kind stranger to confirm his name; he, although a little confused as to how I knew his surname, obliged, at which point I shot him in the chest and hurried off to lunch.

[12:10 PM] Jethrow Hugh Stoat-Gobbler Walrus-Titty III (Silly Party) 32,108 votes's first act in power is to pass a law eliminating Benjamin Gadsby (Emma Harrison)
Jethrow Hugh Stoat-Gobbler Walrus-Titty III (Silly Party) 32,108 votes reports:

I camped outside the theatre for 10 minutes waiting for Benjamin Gadsby, when he left the theatre I followed him to his bike. As he was unlocking his bike I sneaked up behind him, as he turned round he was met by a volley of deadly glow in the dark foam disks, two of which found their mark...

Emma Harrison reports:

Dear Umpire

It is with immense frustration that I report my death. I was shot in the belly by some unidentified projectile weapon, by Jethrow Hugh Stoat-Gobbler Walrus-Titty III (Silly Party) 32,108 votes. The exact cause of my death is either the spewing of guts onto tarmac, or a ruptured spleen.

After a maths lecture this morning, I began final preparations for a stake out at Corpus. The thought of my first kill dancing eagerly across my mind, I went to the toilets after the lecture, not wanting to be caught short inside the body of our Saviour.

As I left the cockcroft lecture theatre, New museums site, I was alone - most other students had left immideately after the lecture. As I unchained my bike, ensuring my gun was securely burried in my pockets, a man behind me said my name.

I turned, and he fired two shots. The first missed, but the second hit me square on my torso, just above waist height. I died instantly. He paid me great compliments (how hard I'd been to track down) before disappearing off into the city.

Please find attached a CV, detailing why I feel I would be a suitable candidate to join the police force

The late Benjamin Gadsby

[12:52 PM] Dave The Slave goes looking for a Stealth monkey
Dave The Slave reports:

[12:52] One sunny yet chilled autumnal afternoon, Dave The Slave decided to take a stroll. His stroll led him south to the darkest realms of [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] where he would attempt to take the life of one Stealth monkey. Upon arriving at said institution, he noted that the window of the abode belonging to his target was open. He considered making an attempt through the closed curtains but decided against such a course of action given the darkened conditions within the dwelling would offer a great advantage to his adversary. He happened by chance to notice that a doorway stood open and inviting, as if welcoming him inside. He made use of this and advanced down the corridor towards the door of [UNSPECIFIED_ROOM] but the fates were against our intrepid hero. As he approached the door, Dave The Slave became aware of a presence behind him. He turned and greeted the innocent who stood there on his way to the kitchen. He questioned the innocent as to the whereabouts of a gentleman named Stealth monkey and was rewarded with a pointed finger at the very room he was about to infiltrate. However, he foolishly mentioned the word "assassins" which, in hindsight, may have led to the events that followed. Once the innocent was safely in the kitchen,Dave The Slave knocked at the door...there was no answer. Had he not heard the knock? He knocked again...still no answer - the coward!! Sitting in his fortress probably hugging his knees and wishing the presence waiting outside his door would leave him alone...or maybe he just wasn't there...whichever it was, Dave The Slave vowed to return!

[13:25 PM] The Swan of Mantua has infinite power over all forms of drinking utensil, including Emma Winston (Teacup)
The Swan of Mantua reports:

Having failed to find my target on two previous occasions, I decided to forego lunch and try again. In a frenzy of thought I devised a cunning plan, which I proceeded to ignore, and instead knocked on her door. With an expression of shock she paid Charon's fare; cursing the need to pay in Obols in these days of oppressive Sterling-Obolus exchange rates.

[13:25 PM] Charles William Kalderon (wrand) came a cropper thanks to Christine Peters and her killer bear
Christine Peters reports:

Today at 1325 i called at Charles William Kalderon's place. Foolishly, he answered the door after I knocked, and his reward was an attack from my Killer Bear.

[13:40 PM] James Hall (The Pen) is not having a lot of luck with food, particularly Chili
The Pen reports:

The Pen answered a query about cooking and was carved up as a reward.

Chili reports:

James Hall lost his life after foolishly opening his door to a stranger who mumbled something through the door... His pitiful attempt to draw his knife on seeing strangers at the door was just too slow to avoid a stabbing.

[13:40 PM] Friendly housecall on Matt Hickford gone wrong! Cotillion's intervention leaves officer in a P.C. World of pain. (D.I. Nner witnesses his former deputy Stephen Cairns (P.C. World)'s death).
Cotillion reports:

On looking outside my window at 1:40 I saw two dangerous looking gentlemen carrying water pistols. Retreating inside I retrieved my own water propelling device and shot and soaked one of them only to learn that I had shot a member of the police force, a constable Stephen Cairns round to hunt a potentially dangerous neighbour. The other gentleman, the esteemed D.I. Nner then made himself scarce before apologies could be made.

D.I. Nner reports:

The wind was tumescent as it flowed through the bilious leaves. D.I. Nner and P.C. World wandered through the angled, grimy buildings, fearful of the challenge ahead: to terminate the life of that most despicable of fiends, Matt Hickford. As expected, their arrival swiftly led to a fearsome firefight, with much ducking around corners, desperate reloading and cries of 'ooyah!', 'gazork!' and 'speee-speee'.

D.I. Nner realised their effort was doomed, and called his deputy to order the retreat. As his brave, noble, handsome deputy galloped away like a stallion in spring, his mane waving in the air, a window in a building opposite opened and a lean, wild face looked out. Its eyes were pools of molten copper and it cackled through a gaping mouth filled with holes, blackened teeth and large unidentifiable green slimy lumps. It drew forth a gigantic missile launcher and, with a grimace as it passed wind loudly, it fired. The impact caught the valiant P.C. World full in the head, and as bits of pink and grey brain matter flew across the landscape, D.I. Nner caught his falling body with a wail. As tears streamed down his jowels, D.I. Nner cursed the inhuman being and vowed to avenge his dear friend.

P.C. World reports:

So there I was, lying in a pool of my own blood, the result of having delved too deep into what didn't concern me. Is this the end of P.C. World? By the fatality of my wounds most probably yes, it was.
It had been such a fine day at the station, when that fateful phone rang. "Ring Ring", it rang. I dropped the file* i was working** on and took the call. Why, it was none other than my commanding officer, D.I. Nner. "Where in the world, P.C. World, are you?" he said, "we're taking down the villainous Matt Hickford in 5 minutes! Rendezvous at the UCL in 2." I knew it was going to be risky, but my luck had held up so far, so i took a stroll. Five uninteresting minutes later i was trying the door to Hickford Manor. Curses, locked! Gunfire erupted from his window and the D.I. fell back. "Get out World" he cried, "it's not worth your neck." So I escaped the manor and turned around, only to be gunned down from above and behind, by none other than Cotillion! So they'd been in cahoots all along, I should have known. I guess one man alone, even with help, can't win against the criminal underworld.
So there I was, lying in that pool of my own blood. Is this the end of P.C. World? Most probably, yes, it was...


[14:40 PM] A Black Shadow passes across and sucks the life out of Stuart Ritson (Louis XIV)
Black Shadow reports:

Dear Your Royal Umpireness

Today Black Shadow tired of working in his room so went out for a stroll around town. This happened to take him past Corpus Christi, where it so happened that poor Stuart Ritson lived. After making friends with the shadows of Corpus they welcomed him and hid him helping him slip through the crack under the outer door. Proceeding upstairs, Black Shadow felt it would be polite to knock on Stuart Ritson's door rather than just materialising inside his room. (In Black Shadow's experience people have a habit of screaming when he does this and Black Shadow does not like screaming). Stuart Ritson obligingly opened the door and seemed surprised by his head being blown off.

Louis XIV reports:

I was killed at 2:40pm by Black Shadow with a pistol. I thought he was a bedder. Oh dear.

[16:00 PM] Natalie Sokolova (Starlet) is killed by Someone Somwhere - how vague
Someone Somwhere reports:

At about 4 this afternoon I decided to visit one of my targets, Natalie Sokolova. Foolishly she had left her door unlocked; I entered her room and killed her swiftly.

Starlet reports:

I must sadly report that I got killed. For a long time, no-one had tried to kill me and I lost my vigilance, forgot to lock the door of my room and ate my banana-gun only about 20 minutes before my assassin came in and shot me in the heart. She's a lovely assassin though. I shall forgive her and remember that banana-guns are not supposed to be eaten!

[16:10 PM] "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. shot a non-playing ex-assassin who was being very shifty... fortunately he was bearing as well as being a bit shifty.
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. reports:

Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special, when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

[Vincent stabs Mia]

[uncomfortable silence]

[17:00 PM] There are no mafias in Cambridge! There result of this would be that Logan killed Bibek Mukherjee (Fonterius) and then Cakeface went on to kill Sophie Louise Wells (Layla)
Christine Peters reports:

I went to Bibek Mukherjee's room in Pembroke, as I had received information that he was after my blood, with Bébé Rhino and a non-player accomplice. I heard noise and laughter from the room and entered, and inside were a number of people, including Hovis, Logan and Plato, and when I threw my knife at Bibek Mukherjee, I was told he had already been killed by Logan. After a brief chat, a large group of us decided to go hunting together, calling by Saint Cat's unsuccessfully, but successfully removing a target of Bébé Rhino (and another assassin with us) from her life at the Stephen Hawking Building. All in all a very interesting day.

Bébé Rhino reports:

A chance meeting of Assassins led to a multi-collegiate rampage!

Christine Peters and I were going to scope out a few of my targets today. The first one wasn't in, so we headed to Pembroke to look for an Assassin that we heard was hunting down Christine Peters. Not only had this guy (Bibek Mukherjee) already been killed, but the killer was still hanging around with Cakeface and Charlotte Schoonman, who'd made a daring attempt on my life the previous night! We decided to gang up and headed over to Caius to find a common enemy, Sophie Louise Wells. On the way we stopped by St. Cat's to look for [some dude], but sadly he wasn't around, so we continued to the SHB to find Sophie. Shockingly, not only did a porter agree to go and fetch her, but she actually responded to the summons! As Cakeface distracted her with witty banter, I prepared to walk up and stab her, but before I could he whipped out his mighty weapon and dealt her a fatal blow.

The mighty posse then entered John's rear entrance, whereupon Christine Peters compared the masculine, dominating nature of Assassins to Oral sex. We attempted to find another enemy in St. John's, but they weren't around either. We then adjourned to our respective safehouses to rest and recuperate, after promises to find each other on Facebook and organise a formal swap! Who said that killing is anti-social!?

Logan reports:

Some time in the afternoon, possibly at about 17:00 I leave my college, with the intent of going after targets. I proceed down to Pembroke college, and with a vague excuse made for talking to someone I've never met before, knock on Bibek Mukherjee's door. After a bit of effort, I succeed in stabbing my victim. Staying and talking in the room with Zoe Holder, a friend who had accompanied me, we are later joined by 2 other fine persons in assassins. After a further 5 minutes, the assassin Christine Peters, also a friend of mine, appears at the door completely coincidentally, also with the intent of killing Bibek Mukherjee, although is 10 mins too late. If everything happening at once wasn't surreal enough, we then form a kind of mafia and walk the streets of cambridge carrying obvious assassin weapons(water pistols, etc) and decide to go after targets at other colleges. We visit 3 colleges, however only one further kill is made. A porter was rather confused as to why a group of about 10 people where asking to see someone we couldn't remember the name of. Ah assassins are insane but lovely people. :-)

Cakeface reports:

Cakeface, Plato, Christine Peters, Bébé Rhino, Logan, and a band of funky lunkeys (overseen by the watchful incorporal eyes of Hovis, Bibek Mukherjee and Plato) head on over to the Castle of Ventriloquy to bring an end to Sophie Louise Wells. After an age of trying and failing to open the Castle's front door, a friendly livesman comes to their aid - and, being the helpful fellow he is, even agrees to lure miss Sophie Louise Wells from her room. On this, the small crowd of assassins leap into action, and quickly and entirely ineffectually hide themselves. Sophie Louise Wells descends the stairs, opens the front door, and after confirming her identity, sadly falls prey to the "look-over-there-while-I-kill-you" ploy, at the wrong end of Cakeface's pistolet. Oh well.

Plato reports:

Cakeface and I wandered over to some friends at Foundress Court, when we spotted two rather dodgy looking individuals (Logan and Zoe Holder) loitering on the staircase. As we were standing in the doorway of some dude's room, the pair passed us and proceeded to kill Bibek Mukherjee, a neighbour of the dude's. The three of us ran over to investigate, and after a suspicious identity check decided that since Bibek Mukherjee was dead, and none of the rest of us were targets to one another, we could have an amicable assassin's chat (as you do). Three minutes later, more footsteps were heard and none other than the infamous Bébé Rhino and Christine Peters, who had assassinated me the previous night barged in, also intent on slaying the by now decidedly dead Bibek Mukherjee. They brought along Jeremy Kneebone. Now that the whole guild seemed to have gathered in one room, mutual targets were discussed, and a mafia was temporarily formed. The gang tramped down to Catz to kill Logan's target there, but were met by a closed door and a puzzled neighbour. Next up was the Stephen Hawking Building, where a Porter helped us find (Cakeface's and Bébé Rhino's target who lives there in 105). Her lack of paranoia was met with a metal slug to the chest. Thirsting for blood, our posse made its way to John's, where, following loud recitations of 'I would rather be at Oxford than St John's', we knocked on target #3's door (F15, I think it was- I can't even remember the person's name, sorry). Rather disappointingly, a second kill wasn't on the cards tonight. Tired but satisfied, not to say hungry, the ensemble parted ways...

The Umpire would like to note that it is strictly against the rules to either use porters to gain access to a target or to impersonate a porter to get a target to leave their room. In this circumstance, the porter was acting on his own accord and so the kill was allowed to stand. Players should try their best to avoid porterial intervention of any kind however.

[20:00 PM] Palahniuk's Laughter is getting old and confused... Little Miss Awful escapes alive!
Palahniuk's Laughter reports:

This evening at 8 I (Palahniuk's Laughter) found myself outside the door of Little Miss Awful. After cleverly knocking on his door, he openned it and was not quick enough to avoid the rain of bullets and flying knives and I was left dancing around his hole ridden body. At least that's what I should be reporting. However, in my old age I seem to have lost some of my speed. Upon openning his door I was unable to react in time before he realised something fishy was going on and he shut his door. That is the second time a door has been closed in my face. I must be lucky none of my targets are fighting back after I fail and none of my assassins have tried to kill me yet, otherwise it looks like I would be dead given my lack of skill.

Little Miss Awful reports:

Someone came to my door, 20:05, asking me if I was Jonah. I said no, obviously, and closed the door. It was only at the sound of him sprinting down the stairs that I presume he was an assassin, who apparently got quite confused.

[22:30 PM] Strawberry cleans up the streets of Cambridge! The heinous wanted criminal Luke Bennett (I have no need for a pseudonym cos I am going wanted (low redemption conditions please!)) is finally taken down!
Strawberry reports:

Strawberry cunningly stabbed Luke Bennett in a 'hug attack' in the cam bar although pissed as he was he may have been slaughtered outside by mr donaghey had he not alreay been dead. NB Ms Lupie 'rapebot' Starust would like to 'do a sex' to mr phillip bielby and perhaps mr ed cummings despite him being her 'creepy older brother'. lolness

[23:00 PM] Pepper and "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. are attacked by seemingly nobody
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. reports:

Mia: I do believe Michael Wallace, my furry, your furry, told you to take me out and do whatever I wanted. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that MA.
Vincent: [sighs] All right
Mia: So, dance good.
Vincenty: All right, you asked for it.
[Vincent and Mia walk onto the dance floor, toward Ed Sullivan. They then walk away from the water heading their way]

Pepper reports:

I was walking back over Orgasm Bridge tonight when an unseen miscreant shot water at me from an unknown building. Said miscreant seemed unenthusiastic however, and I escaped unscathed.

Wednesday, 22 October

[02:00 AM] Sam Spade turns to the dark side of the force, shooting fellow officer Strawberry
Sam Spade reports:

This morning I went to lurk around the Kambar to see if Lukie was coming out. At the van outside, someone informed me he was dead; just to be sure I found him, then sneaked up at him and misfired in his general direction, whereupon I was again informed he was dead, and mocked by Ms Stardust. He told me Strawberry (immediately present) was corrupt; she told me she outranked me, either seemed like reasonable grounds so I shot her just in case. Well, and because I like shooting her. Luke Bennett then shot me back a bit. That's about it.

For shooting a fellow officer, Michael Donaghy is now corrupt, and so is a legal target for all players.

[09:50 AM] Eric Blair kills an assassin for a change! Susan Elizabeth Yates (Dr Carrot) his unlucky victim.
Eric Blair reports:

This morning (approx 9:50) I stabbed my target, Susan Elizabeth Yates on her way to lectures.

[13:43 PM] The Umpire has received an anonymous note!
The Umpire reports:

I received an anonymous note today:

I would like to place a bounty of some food and/or drink upon the heads of:
Tom Wootten for hiding in Scotland
Joshua Guy Blanchard Lewis for failing to kill the above.
Bonuses are available for killing Joshua while hunting with him and killing Tom after convincing him you are trustworthy/not an assassin then stabbing him in the back.

The Umpire would like to note that just because someone has a bounty placed on them, this does not make them a legal target for players.

[14:15 PM] Bob chases after himself
Bob reports:

Today, about half an hour ago, I went to the room of himself. Me being inexperienced and foolish, I simple went to his door. He, obvoiusly being experienced, asked who I was. I came up with a super lame reason why I was there. So...he figured me out, and didn't open the door, hence a failed attempt.

In fact, (I think) I saw him in the William Gates Building, at the cafe. So I thought I'd just sit at the cafe and wait for a while...I thought it would be less inappropiate to do it while so many people were around. Anyway, so he sets off, and I move off as welll ,but he ends up going into the restricted area, where you need to be a computer science student to get in. So in a way, two failed attempts.

himself reports:

At 2:15 today a pair of dubious strangers attempted to negotiate entry into my inner sanctum under the pretence of requiring subject help, having journeyed all the way from Corpus Christi. Yeah, right.

(they were turned away, hopefully they weren't actual compsci freshers)

[14:16 PM] Oh dear, we have another one... Felix Bauer attempts to kill Mathias Malzieu with an illegal weapon, making himself wanted.
Mathias Malzieu reports:

As I excitedly opened a letter addressed to me today I was distraught to find inside a piece of chewing gum labelled "bomb" and a polite but to-the-point note from one 'Billy the Kid' explaining that I had been killed. I read in the weapon rules, however, that indirect kills were disallowed in this game.

The Umpire would like to note that all indirect methods of killing have been removed from this game, and so any resultant deaths will be annulled. You may also be made wanted, and given the high number of attempted kills with illegal weapons made so far this game, The Umpire is becoming less lenient with this sort of thing, so I suggest you don't even think about it.

the very hungry caterpillar reports:

Upon opening the mysterious letter found in my pigeon hole this morning, a small device fell into my lap. The accommpanying note from Felix Bauer informed me it should have just exploded and parted me from my life. However, closer inspection revealed my guts not to be splattered on the walls, leading me to assume the bomb was a dud. I do however thank Felix Bauer for the tasty snack it provided me with.

[14:40 PM] Logan does their bit for society by taking down Matt Hickford (Eric Blair)
Logan reports:

Suspecting an assassin, I hear a knock on my door at about 14:40 today. I cautiously open the door with a water pistol hidden in my other hand. I meet a strange non-crossdressing man clearly hiding a weapon. After questioning his actual intentions, he attempts to kill me with a flying knife, but misses as I jump over my bed and retaliate with a water pistol, causing Matt Hickford to meet his end.... And apparently I'm a curly haired cross dresser from Churchill.. just to let everyone know that.

Eric Blair reports:

Curly-haired cross-dressing assassin from Churchill Logan was rightly paranoid, I left wet.

[15:23 PM] Jacob Wills (The Hollowailer) is the one left wailing when Cotillion comes to visit
Cotillion reports:

The shadow of incompetency looming, I made my way to one of the hostels owned by King's. Dismayed at a key card entry system I nearly gave up before a kind man also entering let me in. I made my way slowly and deliberately to the room of my target, arriving knocked 3 times my gun in my hand. I was shocked to discover the same kind man opening the door but quickly gunned him down, stifling the earlier gratitude quickly. A dire fate now averted I mad my way home, happy and untroubled by the done deed.

[16:45 PM] P.C. Joke finally tracks down the sinister Matt Hickford, only to find out that he was too late.
P.C. Joke reports:

At 16:45 I was passing the gates of Hickford Manor, when i noticed an open window. Through the window I spotted the villain himself! I only had two bullets left on me but one was more than enough, and it found its way deep into his shoulder. But as the body spun in his chair it became obvious that i had been too late to make the killing blow. No commision for me this time then :(

[17:25 PM] Brigadier James III reporting for duty, sir! First mission: Kill Michael Scoins (Jonathan Percival Hargreaves), Excellent work!
Brigadier James III reports:

Yesterday, around the hour at quarter past five, when all good students should be hard at work, the Brigadier James III did make his first strike in his new career. As he snuck through St. Johns, he briefly thought to himself, 'I'd rather be at Oxford right now... I hear they have a nice noodle bar.' Shaking the thought out of his head, he headed for Cripps Court, and cunningly negotiated the stairways to find his target. Knocking ever so innocently, the Brigadier ready his weapon of choice - his trusty knife, disguised as a fresh carrot. The poor victim, one dastardly Michael Scoins, was caught unawares as he nonchalantly opened his door, and was viciously slaughtered by a veg to the heart. His work complete, the Brigadier stole away across the Backs, admiring the lovely view as he did so.

[17:30 PM] 234 extermin8's Callum Holmes Williams (kipper)
234 reports:

I spent all day stalking him and in the evening, when he was ordering a pint I have shot him at the back of his head from a distance of about half an inch so that all his brains were splashed on the barmen in front of him and beer colour became red. I disappeared immediately...

2 more to go - they must be scared - I will track them down

[19:45 PM] The buzzard picks the meat from the corpse of Danielle Rolet (Ofelia)
The buzzard reports:

Knock Knock
(Danielle Rolet opens door halfway)
Danielle Rolet: "Hi, umm... who are you?"
The buzzard: "Hi! How are you this evening?" (And then, almost as an afterthought) "BANG"
Danielle Rolet: "Oh shit! I knew this would happen."
The buzzard: "Yeah, sorry about that..."

[20:15 PM] Pepper strikes out into the shadows and hits Robert Rivera (Shadow shrew)
Pepper reports:

As I sat pouring over my Land Economy textbook this evening, I heard a knock at my door and, peering through my spyhole, saw two suspicious-looking gentlemen (one of whom, I had been reliably informed earlier today, was targeting me). I decided that today was *not* a good day to die, and so ignored their knocking until they gave up and went away. They had, however, neglected to notice that I had a balcony. Profit and a soaking followed. Oh, and hello to Amy H :)

Shadow shrew reports:

I have been killed. While attempting to kill Pepper she shot me with a water pistol from her balcony.

[20:50 PM] Kupfernickel pays a visit to "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you., only for Zoe Holder to be shot again.
Kupfernickel reports:

I made my first attempt on the life of one of my targets today, having located his room a few days ago.

The target in question was "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.. Having had a lot of free wine courtesy of the geologists, I grabbed my lead piping and the larger of my knives from my room. After meeting up with my (deceased) friend Zoe Holder by way of an accomplice, we proceeded to his room. I knocked, and was greeted by a pair of eyes through the slit for letters. I realise now that I could have stabbed him through the slit and have done with it. I am not too bright.

I tried to charm my way in by pretending that he had met Zoe before, and that she had said I ought to meet him. He obviously didn't buy it, as he told us to wait outside. I then heard the unmistakable 'squeak, squeak' of a waterpistol being pumped, and started to get nervous. I wasn't sure if he was just being on the safe side or not, so Zoe and I waited outside, trying to give our story credibility by chatting. After a while, we gave up waiting, so announced we would leave. Zoe put her head outside, only to be greeted by a jet of water to the face from an open window. She explained that she was already dead, which received no response. She then shouted to me, 'RUN'. I dashed outside and across the courtyard, pursued by my own jet of water. By some miracle I escaped death, but had now blown my identity for good. Back to Zoe's for tea and a rest; we were both laughing hard.

Think I might need to try a different target now. Zoe is still in hospital undergoing facial reconstruction.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. reports:

Jules: Man, I just been sitting here thinking.
Vincent: About what?
Jules: About the miracle we just witnessed.
Vincent: The miracle you witnessed. I witnessed a freak occurrence.
Jules: What is a miracle, Vincent?
Vincent: An act of God.
Jules: And what's an act of God?
Vincent: When, um ? God makes the impossible possible ? but this evening I don't think qualifies.
Jules: Hey, Vincent, don't you see? That shit don't matter. You're judging this shit the wrong way. I mean, it could be that God stopped the bullets, or He changed Coke to Pepsi, He brought that corpse back to life. You don't judge shit like this based on merit. Now, whether or not what we experienced was an "according to Hoyle" miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.
Vincent: But why?
Jules: Well, that's what's fucking with me. I don't know why, but I can't go back to sleep.

The Umpire would like to point out that dead assassins should do their utmost to not directly get involved in any events, and that assassins should not use dead players as accomplices. Dead players may go along to watch events, but should not get involved.

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