The Assassins' Guild - Week 0 News

Assassinated Sam Bayliss with a pen labelled 'KNIFE' outside Bristol-Myers Squibb Lecture theatre at around 10:55 am as he was unlocking his bike.

At around half 11 today i killed Julie Chan in her room with a killer bear. i used a fellow assassin, Hovis, to help me to gain entry without suspicion.

At around 12:40pm today, I was attacked by Michael Donaghy, who lost.

Not wanting to hang about, Dave The Slave has gotten a start on things. As he happened to have a few minutes spare in an otherwise busy day, he decided to go for a wander. Whilst wandering, lonely as a cloud, he happened upon Homerton College. "Ha ha" he thought to himself "this name rings a bell. I think I should investigate further..." So acting on this sudden impulse, he ventured in and took in the sights and sounds of the aforementioned institution. Looking back on the event, Dave feels that he has definitely learned something.

Michael Hook was discreetly bananaed down (with a suitably marked banana) today in Clare Buttery (at 18:45) to his shock and amazement. There were no witnesses...

Just had someone attempt to assassinate me. Don't know who. Basically he got an accomplice to knock on my door and I came out with a machete because I'm paranoid and then he jumped me. Except he missed and I had a big knife. Then there was then a bit of a standoff as I locked my door.

Despite making an attempt on someones life Palahniuk's Laughter is left feeling incompetent. After wandering to Fitz tongiht, I did not expect someone to be so prepared. Using an ally to knock on the door, it was answered by just a sword belonging to Orinoco my prepared target. Having to leave obvious weapons at home, I was left with a pen 'Knife' and elastic bands. A lunge with the knife failed due to fear of the sword and lacking target practice meant the band whistled past my potential victims head. Orinoco then cowardly locked himself in his room. Palahniuk's Laughter will have to wait for another day when he is better endowned in the weapon department.

He knocked on my door again and im still paranoid.

i killed some motherfucker called Mr Scrub today. felt gooooood.

Skipped along to St. Catz this morning to get acquainted with my target. Alas, I was outwitted - a short cut through Corpus and he was away...

Never mind, there's always next time.

Assassinated Faraz Dianat discretely in foyer of the Bristol-Myers Squibb lecture theatre using a pen labelled 'KNIFE'. Tracked target at the beginning of the lecture and sat one row behind him in order to make sure that this was the genuine target- overheard something to do with the guild which confirmed it was him (I managed to get a picture of him the previous day).

Having spotted Theodore Sanderson at two lectures this morning, I decided to use the dagger hidden in my boot and inform him he was officially dead at 12:00 this morning, outside one of the lecture halls in the Sedgwick Museum of Earth Sciences. He took it well, I must say :P

I, at around 1pm today, observed Paul Cookson shooting Carol Sparke in the back; I then shot him in the back. Unfortunately there was no-one behind me to continue this chain.

Henry R.B.Duke will be away from Cambridge this weekend. Leaving tonight at [UNSPECIFIED_TIME] and returning sometime on Sunday. If any assassins happen to be in Bath...need I say more...?

Cheers

Henry

I tried to gain entry to Shadow shrew's room to attack foam darts to his head, but was refused entry. :(

Having found out that I was being targeted by a Zoe Holder(being next to her when she reads her email helps), and with false information about Zoe being at the sidgwick site, I proceed down on my bike from Churchill. Realising she had probably left by the time I got there, I proceed up the streets of Cambridge to Trinity College. Knowing it was a risky move, I knock on Zoe's door and move down the corridor. After a short delay, I see Zoe on the other side of the corridor. Noting that she has a killer teddy and all I have is a knife, I attempt to flee from through the door, however can not get it open. Fortunatly, however, I duck and Zoe misses. I also manage to stab Zoe with my knife at the same time, and we both fall to the ground. There was however no girly argument as Zoe claims, and any argument which would have occured would be far more manly on my part, "which would make a nice change" says Zoe. These events happened at about 17:45 today.

Around 16:00 I paid a visit to Queen's to establish the nature of Sarah Knight's abode. She was not in, but I managed to secure several escape routes from her landing.

At 19:03 I returned to her landing, entered her staircase, knocked on her door, walked round the corner, slipped my shoes off (a necessity, as she seemed to possess a particularly musical landing floor) and scurried to hide myself in the bathroom opposite her room. Throwing an empty Oasis beverage carton against her door, I heard the muffled sounds of a gun being sought. The door opened...

I am now saddened to report that just 5 seconds later I heard the distinctive twanging of that very same fellow assassin's mortal coil snapping. In an unbelievable coincidence, this occurred at exactly the same time two of my Nerf darts found their way onto her person. I find this odd, as they were in my guns milliseconds before. I am confused, but ready to go on the hunt for a new target.

Yours, Diana Conspiracy

I'm not a 100% sure but I believe that there was a attempted assassination attempt made against me on Friday my door handle was poisoned. I managed to remove the poison safely but I also wonder whether this is allowed as it isn't a direct kill anyway.

Ghost Dog's business is killing and business is good; Oliver Dominik Caspari got 3 bands and a chill hello as he opened his door in Homerton at 8.30 tonight. No-one knows how Ghost Dog got in.

Tonight, while taking a short break from Clare ents, found me wandering though Trinity Hall at around 10:20. After a brief search of the area, I found James Wilkinson Barwise enjoying himself in the college bar. His enjoyment was cut short after he foolishly replied to his name...

Success! Just to let you know that Frederic Kau is eliminated and I'm ready for a new target.

He was killed last night near Magdalene bridge. All I had to do was call him, he started walking towards me until he realised I had a water pistol in my hand. He started to turn round before I shot him twice in the head and once in the torso.

I infiltrated the college during the earl hours of morning, having been trained to be awake at any hours throgh the medium of the secret course NatSci. My accomplice guided me to the target's lair, and it was a simple matter of jumping out and killing the target when he opened the door.

Over and out!

In Great Court, the bell tolls for Sam Eaton-Rosen. Eric Blair is at the finishing line.

After a relaxed morning was leaving my room today at 1:45 to see two suspicious looking people walk past me on the stairs. It only struck me a few minutes later (when i noticed them sitting on the stairs apparently awaiting my return) that they were out to assasinate me! I quickly located a weapon and snuck up the stairs and stabbed the pair, my would be assasin and her accomplice (though I of course could not tell who was which), though the banisters of the staircase before they had a chance to attack. The assasin took the blow to her back, and the accomplice may have been struck in the arm but it was hard to tell. Although praising my cunning, the assasin swore revenge before she left.

4.15pm: Visited The Swan of Mantua and found he was either out or a coward.

5.45pm: Attempted a knife kill on Lydia Katsouli-Pantzidou outside of her room, but after stabbing her found out that she was already dead.

I had waited with my girlfriend outside morph's block for 30 minutes before one of the other people in his block came past, going in. I told him there were two people waiting outside to wish him Happy Birthday. However, I was unprepared for how cautious my target would be, and he made a friend open the door for him so he could see who it was. Knowing I only had one chance, I attempted to deliver my birthday present (a gun carefully placed under a Sainsbury's bag), alas the projectile fired travelled the tiniest bit too slowly, allowing morph to "matrix dodge" out the way, and his friend closed the door. Rats.

There was an assassination attempt on my life today. People asked my roommate to let them into our staircase, I walked downstairs and managed to dodge a bullet aimed at my chest. They then scarpered off.

It's raining men when Eric Blair makes a friendly house call on the late Zoe Holder. Very late, as she explained she died yesterday. The third man (CCC, curly haired cross dresser from Clare) fails to act.

It was dinnertime, and since I was feeling peckish I decided to stroll over to my target's gyp room to see if there were any sugar-based items of an edible nature to be found in their natural habitat. Alas, fortune had her back turned towards me and all I found was but a dripping tap. As I rested my weary legs I happened to deposit a plastic jet-expelling container beneath said tap and to my astonishment it filled itself of its own volition. Not one to begrudge a miraculous occurrence (and risk the wrath of Drippy, the fifth teletubbie and god of drips and dribblers) I braced myself to use this container on the next person to pass by. I did. And lo and behold this person, my target, was no more.

I shall never doubt thy divinity again Drippy. You were wrongly outcast from the show. The Swan of Mantua.

At 19:06 on Saturday, T-unit paid a courtesy call to James Hutchinson to give him the good news from a well labelled Banana/Gun. Fellow assassin Starlet was used to distract the young man and the Banana/Gun prodded in his back with a bang. Alas, the end of Master James Hutchinson.

At about 19:20 Starlet managed to kill Rob Mindell from St Catharine's College, using the help of fellow assassin T-Unit to make Rob open the door.

Jules: What does Michael Wallace look like?
Sarah: What?
Jules: What country are you from?
Sarah: What?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What"?!
Sarah: What?
Jules: English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!
Sarah: Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm saying. Describe, what Michael Wallace, looks like!
Sarah: What?
Jules: [points water pistol at Sarah] Say "what" again! Say "what" again. I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! Say "what" one more god damn time!
Sarah: He-he's white.
Jules: Go on!
Sarah: He's blind.
Jules: Does he look like a furry?
Sarah: What?!
Jules: [shoots Sarah in the arm, Sarah screams] Does...he...look...like a furry?!
Sarah: [in pain] No-o!!
Jules: Then why'd you try to fuck him like a furry, Sarah?
Sarah: I didn't!
Jules: Yes, you did! Yes, you did, Sarah! You tried to fuck him, and Michael Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mr. Warran. You read the Bible, Sarah?
Sarah: Yes!
Jules: Well, there's this passage I've got memorized that sort of fits this occasion. Ezekiel 25:17.

[Jules shoots Sarah]

*Arrived at room
*Wondered whether to knock
*Knocked
*Target opened door and received a rather anti-climatic bang-kill to the head with a plastic pirate pistol (with sound effects and flashing muzzle light!)for her trouble
*Felt vaguely guilty
*Also felt somewhat relieved that knocking was chosen course of action - target wasn't exactly appropriately dressed for social interaction

Today (19th October), about 16:40pm, I gained entry to morph's block, through someone else opening the door. After having a friendly chat with some of his friends, I decided it was time to leave, as he was not in. As I approached the door, I heard voices outside. Looking through the peephole, I saw my target and a non-player accomplice. They were discussing how best to jump me, and they seemed to know I was inside (obviously he was warned via mobile phone).

They decided that he was going to wait for me to come out, and then bang shot me with a banana. I waited silently until he turned his back, and then opened the door and shot my gun blindly through the doorway, completely missing him (but nearly hitting his accomplice). He attempted to BANG shot me when he saw me, but he was much too far away.

We both came rushing in to close combat, and my pen-knife wounded his right arm just as his banana-gun BANG shot at point blank through my left arm (and made a nice banana stain on my new hoodie). After a brief discussion of the aforementioned events, we retreated with our nearly-severed limbs, both living to fight another day.

Miraculously, my arm somehow healed on my way back to college, since by the time I was back in my room, it was as good as new.

At 8:45 today I heard a knocking at my door. Dimming the lights, I saw the no-one outside. I waited a moment and then received another knocking. Then the knave showed his profile. I waited still further, and another villain showed his face. I was most concerned. Then the first knave actually tried to open my door! You can imagine my surprise when I spotted a third and fourth associate, all trying to peep through my door. I was having none of this and decided against my original plan to follow these chaps and direct them to the quickest way out.
I dub these scoundrels the "Peeping Mafia" and may they soon be wiped from the blessed land of Cambridge.

Tinkerbell flew to Christ's and zapped Zsolt Kristof Vertessy with nerf gun!!!

Lured victim out with random mumble about "thing in the kitchen" before shooting in chest with nerf gun. During a request for identity, victim's neighbour came out into the corridor, astounding all present with the declaration that names were not required for the 'Fault Book' in Christ's. Interesting.... Anyhow, Nerf gun >> fairy dust.

I went to a meeting of *unspecified society* this evening planning to lurk a nearby target on the way. Being unable to find said target's staircase (damn you, Trinity architects!) I proceeded to the meeting, where I was delighted to hear the host say that his friend Jonathan Tims would be coming along later. What a lovely coincidence, as I was very keen to meet Jon! He did indeed turn up, and we passed a pleasant evening in conversation and silliness. At last the penguin was dropped, and we stood around chatting as I watched the seconds tick by for the requisite 5 minutes. My target very nicely offered to walk me to the gate and let me out. Upon exiting the host's room, I coshed Jon with a baby seal, then used his momentary unconsciousness to dig out a knife (it was pretty, and purple, and felt-tipped) and stab him in the heart. He was still kind enough to walk me out though :)

I said I would get him next time, and I did. Approaching from behind, he ran at the sound of his name but it was futile, as the knife was plunged deep into his upper back. Brook Roberts is no more...

I'm prepared to scour the Earth for that motherfucker. If Luke goes to Indo-China, I want a furry hiding in a bowl of rice waiting to pop a cap in his ass.

I spotted Parin Shah in my lecture today, so as we left the lecture, just before 1pm, i made small talk with him about his apparently infamous drunken debauchery. With his guard down, and knowing it was him, i then proceeded to stab my victim through his alcoholic heart. Strangely, noone noticed his blood spill over the walls as the light faded from his eyes...

[17:50] Dave The Slave took delivery of his new Boom Stick today :oD

'Twas a dark and stormy night in Cambridge (20th October), and following a most civilised formal hall, two unlikely assassins (Paul "The Hammer" Dickinson and Orinoco) decided to team up to tackle a target whose distance from the city centre had previously afforded him a kind of invincibility. That's right - only two brave souls could be bothered to walk all the way up to Girton at 10 o'clock at night.

After a long journey, we finally arrived at his target Diana Conspiracy's house; lights were on in the kitchen, and someone was doing the washing up. I stood back as Orinoco pressed the doorbell, stuffing his machete stealthily down the front of his trousers. We waited. After pressing the bell several more times, we noticed the kitchen was eerily empty. Tense minutes past. Orinoco paced up and down by the front door, cursing loudly. Why wouldn't he come out and face sweaty machette justice? I drew my Nerf gun and pretended to shoot things.

I wouldn't have to pretend for long.

Diana Conspiracy burst out from behind the side entrance we'd neglected to check, unleashing a volley of pistol shots.Orinoco was mowed down in the initial charge, and I heroically ran behind some parked cars. With Orinoco dead, Diana Conspiracy turned his attention on me, both trading shots over bonnets and roofs, ducking and weaving, until finally one of my bullets found its mark. Orinoco had been avenged. My job was done.

I got off the phone todsy and heard a noise outside the kitchen I was in. On the stairs, I discovered two assassins dressed in black, one holding what looked like a staff. I talked to them and learned that they were after Scubbo, and that he was hiding from them in his room. I only had a knife on me, so thought it unwise to attack them, and instead kept talking to them until they gave up and left. Immediately, I ran into Scubbo's room and we set off after them, Scubbo in a dressing gown armed with a water gun, and me with a knife and no shoes. I pulled my socks off as we reached the gravel, and managed to run the wrong way out of the court, before we ran towards the exit, past the plodge, and out onto the road, where we saw them at a distance. I was slightly ahead when we caught up with the assassins and realised my knife might not be a very effective weapon against two assassins. Fortunately, Scubbo caught up and fired off his water gun, killing one assassin, and as far as i am aware, only wounding the other severely.

Plato and Cakeface commence a daring assault upon (name of college removed) college, but after maiming their quarry as he hides behind a door, their plans are foiled by an army of doppelgangers.

During the retreat, the pair are caught off-guard by a surprisingly pyjama-clad Scubbo and a knife-wielding lunkey. Sadly, Plato is gunned down in the carnage, but Cakeface makes a lucky escape due to an injured hand...

Success! After days of frustrated searching and dreams shattered by locked doors, I was beginning to think this whole game was an elaborate ruse concocted to fool Freshers!

After stocking up on weapons from the Clare mafia's arms dealer, I was happily watching a film in my room when there came a knock at the door. Cautiously opening it and peering out I was confronted with a face hidden by a neckscarf and a gun barrel. Ducking back behind the door, they still managed to wing me, and I retreated to the bathroom to tend my bleeding left arm.

As time went by the cage began to rankle, and I yearned to be a man and face my attackers! Suddenly, there came a frenzied tapping 'pon my chamber door - it was Christine Peters, telling me that the scoundrels had just high-tailed it out of Clare and if we were fast we could still catch them - and fast we were! Disregarding the painful pebbles, we flew on winged feet (and rather smart dressing gowns) through the college in chase of my would-be assailants. As soon as they drew swords in readiness, I whipped out my mighty weapon and dealt with them both in swift order. In the post-encounter chat, there was some issue as to whether my shooting had been double- or single-handed - Plato, however, graciously accepted her defeat. Her companion lives on to avenge her - I continue to watch my back!

Imagine my surprise when upon returning from an evening's stroll just after 11 when I espied a roll of paper tucked into my doorframe. This is what it said:

Dear Colin,
Luck runs out mate, heros looking at you,
You Assassin

Gosh! Seems some cad knows my secret! I looked around but could find no heroes, or anyone else for that matter in the vicinity. Must be using X-ray vision or some such.

This morning at around 8.40 a fellow assassin (the very hungry caterpillar) and I attempted to suprise (and kill) our two targets, Harry Huang and Harald Carlens, who, as we had learned, had rooms next to one another. We waited for a while, gaining a few supicious looks from passers by, but Harry Huang himself was not suspicious enough and was shot in the back by my fellow assassin for his troubles! We then journeyed up to Harald Carlens's room, which he had unwisely left unlocked. I walked in and tried to shoot him but my band gun jammed, at which point he covered his face with the duvet, and a few seconds later uncovered it to be shot by my (now functionning) gun. They were shot at 8.50 and 8.55 respectively.

At around 12:00, on my way to lunch, a stranger asked me if I knew where he could buy new shoe laces. After a pleasant discussion of the merits and difficulties of various subjects I asked this kind stranger to confirm his name; he, although a little confused as to how I knew his surname, obliged, at which point I shot him in the chest and hurried off to lunch.

I camped outside the theatre for 10 minutes waiting for Benjamin Gadsby, when he left the theatre I followed him to his bike. As he was unlocking his bike I sneaked up behind him, as he turned round he was met by a volley of deadly glow in the dark foam disks, two of which found their mark...

[12:52] One sunny yet chilled autumnal afternoon, Dave The Slave decided to take a stroll. His stroll led him south to the darkest realms of [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] where he would attempt to take the life of one Stealth monkey. Upon arriving at said institution, he noted that the window of the abode belonging to his target was open. He considered making an attempt through the closed curtains but decided against such a course of action given the darkened conditions within the dwelling would offer a great advantage to his adversary. He happened by chance to notice that a doorway stood open and inviting, as if welcoming him inside. He made use of this and advanced down the corridor towards the door of [UNSPECIFIED_ROOM] but the fates were against our intrepid hero. As he approached the door, Dave The Slave became aware of a presence behind him. He turned and greeted the innocent who stood there on his way to the kitchen. He questioned the innocent as to the whereabouts of a gentleman named Stealth monkey and was rewarded with a pointed finger at the very room he was about to infiltrate. However, he foolishly mentioned the word "assassins" which, in hindsight, may have led to the events that followed. Once the innocent was safely in the kitchen,Dave The Slave knocked at the door...there was no answer. Had he not heard the knock? He knocked again...still no answer - the coward!! Sitting in his fortress probably hugging his knees and wishing the presence waiting outside his door would leave him alone...or maybe he just wasn't there...whichever it was, Dave The Slave vowed to return!

Having failed to find my target on two previous occasions, I decided to forego lunch and try again. In a frenzy of thought I devised a cunning plan, which I proceeded to ignore, and instead knocked on her door. With an expression of shock she paid Charon's fare; cursing the need to pay in Obols in these days of oppressive Sterling-Obolus exchange rates.

Today at 1325 i called at Charles William Kalderon's place. Foolishly, he answered the door after I knocked, and his reward was an attack from my Killer Bear.

James Hall lost his life after foolishly opening his door to a stranger who mumbled something through the door... His pitiful attempt to draw his knife on seeing strangers at the door was just too slow to avoid a stabbing.

On looking outside my window at 1:40 I saw two dangerous looking gentlemen carrying water pistols. Retreating inside I retrieved my own water propelling device and shot and soaked one of them only to learn that I had shot a member of the police force, a constable Stephen Cairns round to hunt a potentially dangerous neighbour. The other gentleman, the esteemed D.I. Nner then made himself scarce before apologies could be made.

Dear Your Royal Umpireness

Today Black Shadow tired of working in his room so went out for a stroll around town. This happened to take him past Corpus Christi, where it so happened that poor Stuart Ritson lived. After making friends with the shadows of Corpus they welcomed him and hid him helping him slip through the crack under the outer door. Proceeding upstairs, Black Shadow felt it would be polite to knock on Stuart Ritson's door rather than just materialising inside his room. (In Black Shadow's experience people have a habit of screaming when he does this and Black Shadow does not like screaming). Stuart Ritson obligingly opened the door and seemed surprised by his head being blown off.

At about 4 this afternoon I decided to visit one of my targets, Natalie Sokolova. Foolishly she had left her door unlocked; I entered her room and killed her swiftly.

Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special, when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

[Vincent stabs Mia]

[uncomfortable silence]

I went to Bibek Mukherjee's room in Pembroke, as I had received information that he was after my blood, with Bébé Rhino and a non-player accomplice. I heard noise and laughter from the room and entered, and inside were a number of people, including Hovis, Logan and Plato, and when I threw my knife at Bibek Mukherjee, I was told he had already been killed by Logan. After a brief chat, a large group of us decided to go hunting together, calling by Saint Cat's unsuccessfully, but successfully removing a target of Bébé Rhino (and another assassin with us) from her life at the Stephen Hawking Building. All in all a very interesting day.

A chance meeting of Assassins led to a multi-collegiate rampage!

Christine Peters and I were going to scope out a few of my targets today. The first one wasn't in, so we headed to Pembroke to look for an Assassin that we heard was hunting down Christine Peters. Not only had this guy (Bibek Mukherjee) already been killed, but the killer was still hanging around with Cakeface and Charlotte Schoonman, who'd made a daring attempt on my life the previous night! We decided to gang up and headed over to Caius to find a common enemy, Sophie Louise Wells. On the way we stopped by St. Cat's to look for [some dude], but sadly he wasn't around, so we continued to the SHB to find Sophie. Shockingly, not only did a porter agree to go and fetch her, but she actually responded to the summons! As Cakeface distracted her with witty banter, I prepared to walk up and stab her, but before I could he whipped out his mighty weapon and dealt her a fatal blow.

The mighty posse then entered John's rear entrance, whereupon Christine Peters compared the masculine, dominating nature of Assassins to Oral sex. We attempted to find another enemy in St. John's, but they weren't around either. We then adjourned to our respective safehouses to rest and recuperate, after promises to find each other on Facebook and organise a formal swap! Who said that killing is anti-social!?

Some time in the afternoon, possibly at about 17:00 I leave my college, with the intent of going after targets. I proceed down to Pembroke college, and with a vague excuse made for talking to someone I've never met before, knock on Bibek Mukherjee's door. After a bit of effort, I succeed in stabbing my victim. Staying and talking in the room with Zoe Holder, a friend who had accompanied me, we are later joined by 2 other fine persons in assassins. After a further 5 minutes, the assassin Christine Peters, also a friend of mine, appears at the door completely coincidentally, also with the intent of killing Bibek Mukherjee, although is 10 mins too late. If everything happening at once wasn't surreal enough, we then form a kind of mafia and walk the streets of cambridge carrying obvious assassin weapons(water pistols, etc) and decide to go after targets at other colleges. We visit 3 colleges, however only one further kill is made. A porter was rather confused as to why a group of about 10 people where asking to see someone we couldn't remember the name of. Ah assassins are insane but lovely people. :-)

Cakeface, Plato, Christine Peters, Bébé Rhino, Logan, and a band of funky lunkeys (overseen by the watchful incorporal eyes of Hovis, Bibek Mukherjee and Plato) head on over to the Castle of Ventriloquy to bring an end to Sophie Louise Wells. After an age of trying and failing to open the Castle's front door, a friendly livesman comes to their aid - and, being the helpful fellow he is, even agrees to lure miss Sophie Louise Wells from her room. On this, the small crowd of assassins leap into action, and quickly and entirely ineffectually hide themselves. Sophie Louise Wells descends the stairs, opens the front door, and after confirming her identity, sadly falls prey to the "look-over-there-while-I-kill-you" ploy, at the wrong end of Cakeface's pistolet. Oh well.

This evening at 8 I (Palahniuk's Laughter) found myself outside the door of Little Miss Awful. After cleverly knocking on his door, he openned it and was not quick enough to avoid the rain of bullets and flying knives and I was left dancing around his hole ridden body. At least that's what I should be reporting. However, in my old age I seem to have lost some of my speed. Upon openning his door I was unable to react in time before he realised something fishy was going on and he shut his door. That is the second time a door has been closed in my face. I must be lucky none of my targets are fighting back after I fail and none of my assassins have tried to kill me yet, otherwise it looks like I would be dead given my lack of skill.

Someone came to my door, 20:05, asking me if I was Jonah. I said no, obviously, and closed the door. It was only at the sound of him sprinting down the stairs that I presume he was an assassin, who apparently got quite confused.

Mia: I do believe Michael Wallace, my furry, your furry, told you to take me out and do whatever I wanted. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that MA.
Vincent: [sighs] All right
Mia: So, dance good.
Vincenty: All right, you asked for it.
[Vincent and Mia walk onto the dance floor, toward Ed Sullivan. They then walk away from the water heading their way]

I was walking back over Orgasm Bridge tonight when an unseen miscreant shot water at me from an unknown building. Said miscreant seemed unenthusiastic however, and I escaped unscathed.

Today, about half an hour ago, I went to the room of himself. Me being inexperienced and foolish, I simple went to his door. He, obvoiusly being experienced, asked who I was. I came up with a super lame reason why I was there. So...he figured me out, and didn't open the door, hence a failed attempt.

In fact, (I think) I saw him in the William Gates Building, at the cafe. So I thought I'd just sit at the cafe and wait for a while...I thought it would be less inappropiate to do it while so many people were around. Anyway, so he sets off, and I move off as welll ,but he ends up going into the restricted area, where you need to be a computer science student to get in. So in a way, two failed attempts.

At 2:15 today a pair of dubious strangers attempted to negotiate entry into my inner sanctum under the pretence of requiring subject help, having journeyed all the way from Corpus Christi. Yeah, right.

(they were turned away, hopefully they weren't actual compsci freshers)

As I excitedly opened a letter addressed to me today I was distraught to find inside a piece of chewing gum labelled "bomb" and a polite but to-the-point note from one 'Billy the Kid' explaining that I had been killed. I read in the weapon rules, however, that indirect kills were disallowed in this game.

Upon opening the mysterious letter found in my pigeon hole this morning, a small device fell into my lap. The accommpanying note from Felix Bauer informed me it should have just exploded and parted me from my life. However, closer inspection revealed my guts not to be splattered on the walls, leading me to assume the bomb was a dud. I do however thank Felix Bauer for the tasty snack it provided me with.

Suspecting an assassin, I hear a knock on my door at about 14:40 today. I cautiously open the door with a water pistol hidden in my other hand. I meet a strange non-crossdressing man clearly hiding a weapon. After questioning his actual intentions, he attempts to kill me with a flying knife, but misses as I jump over my bed and retaliate with a water pistol, causing Matt Hickford to meet his end.... And apparently I'm a curly haired cross dresser from Churchill.. just to let everyone know that.

The shadow of incompetency looming, I made my way to one of the hostels owned by King's. Dismayed at a key card entry system I nearly gave up before a kind man also entering let me in. I made my way slowly and deliberately to the room of my target, arriving knocked 3 times my gun in my hand. I was shocked to discover the same kind man opening the door but quickly gunned him down, stifling the earlier gratitude quickly. A dire fate now averted I mad my way home, happy and untroubled by the done deed.

Yesterday, around the hour at quarter past five, when all good students should be hard at work, the Brigadier James III did make his first strike in his new career. As he snuck through St. Johns, he briefly thought to himself, 'I'd rather be at Oxford right now... I hear they have a nice noodle bar.' Shaking the thought out of his head, he headed for Cripps Court, and cunningly negotiated the stairways to find his target. Knocking ever so innocently, the Brigadier ready his weapon of choice - his trusty knife, disguised as a fresh carrot. The poor victim, one dastardly Michael Scoins, was caught unawares as he nonchalantly opened his door, and was viciously slaughtered by a veg to the heart. His work complete, the Brigadier stole away across the Backs, admiring the lovely view as he did so.

I spent all day stalking him and in the evening, when he was ordering a pint I have shot him at the back of his head from a distance of about half an inch so that all his brains were splashed on the barmen in front of him and beer colour became red. I disappeared immediately...

2 more to go - they must be scared - I will track them down

Knock Knock
(Danielle Rolet opens door halfway)
Danielle Rolet: "Hi, umm... who are you?"
The buzzard: "Hi! How are you this evening?" (And then, almost as an afterthought) "BANG"
Danielle Rolet: "Oh shit! I knew this would happen."
The buzzard: "Yeah, sorry about that..."

As I sat pouring over my Land Economy textbook this evening, I heard a knock at my door and, peering through my spyhole, saw two suspicious-looking gentlemen (one of whom, I had been reliably informed earlier today, was targeting me). I decided that today was *not* a good day to die, and so ignored their knocking until they gave up and went away. They had, however, neglected to notice that I had a balcony. Profit and a soaking followed. Oh, and hello to Amy H :)

I made my first attempt on the life of one of my targets today, having located his room a few days ago.

The target in question was "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.. Having had a lot of free wine courtesy of the geologists, I grabbed my lead piping and the larger of my knives from my room. After meeting up with my (deceased) friend Zoe Holder by way of an accomplice, we proceeded to his room. I knocked, and was greeted by a pair of eyes through the slit for letters. I realise now that I could have stabbed him through the slit and have done with it. I am not too bright.

I tried to charm my way in by pretending that he had met Zoe before, and that she had said I ought to meet him. He obviously didn't buy it, as he told us to wait outside. I then heard the unmistakable 'squeak, squeak' of a waterpistol being pumped, and started to get nervous. I wasn't sure if he was just being on the safe side or not, so Zoe and I waited outside, trying to give our story credibility by chatting. After a while, we gave up waiting, so announced we would leave. Zoe put her head outside, only to be greeted by a jet of water to the face from an open window. She explained that she was already dead, which received no response. She then shouted to me, 'RUN'. I dashed outside and across the courtyard, pursued by my own jet of water. By some miracle I escaped death, but had now blown my identity for good. Back to Zoe's for tea and a rest; we were both laughing hard.

Think I might need to try a different target now. Zoe is still in hospital undergoing facial reconstruction.

Jules: Man, I just been sitting here thinking.
Vincent: About what?
Jules: About the miracle we just witnessed.
Vincent: The miracle you witnessed. I witnessed a freak occurrence.
Jules: What is a miracle, Vincent?
Vincent: An act of God.
Jules: And what's an act of God?
Vincent: When, um ? God makes the impossible possible ? but this evening I don't think qualifies.
Jules: Hey, Vincent, don't you see? That shit don't matter. You're judging this shit the wrong way. I mean, it could be that God stopped the bullets, or He changed Coke to Pepsi, He brought that corpse back to life. You don't judge shit like this based on merit. Now, whether or not what we experienced was an "according to Hoyle" miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.
Vincent: But why?
Jules: Well, that's what's fucking with me. I don't know why, but I can't go back to sleep.