The Assassins' Guild

[10:20 AM] Griph and Griff help Gryph show Matt Arnold the Mused Pony that he's nothing to the Thoroughbred of Sin

[12:00 PM] The Purple Shirted Eye Stabber makes a literal One Eyed Jack out of Joe Tomkinson the Jack of Hearts

[12:15 PM] Japanese Knotweed overgrows Bobby He (The Steam Cleaner) but reports of the death of The Reaver have been greatly exagerated!

[13:55 PM] Bullet tooth tony takes down Edward Jack Kirkby (Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan) not quite On the Hour aided by King Mickey and The Overly Ambitious Assassin

[14:00 PM] Q) Why did the Evil Chicken cross the road? A) To get to the target who wasn't in.

[14:35 PM] Quokka stabs a corpse...

[15:20 PM] Tim the Enchanter helps King Mickey in finding Yu She's Nemo

[18:00 PM] PinkiePied spots a HABITual rogue sparring with a mystery assailant

[18:07 PM] Mike McMurdersome shoots You! Sam Twist (You) dies...

[18:10 PM] Sarah Assaf the Silent Serpent is squashed by Someone Maternal

[18:50 PM] MoisturiseMe crosses the path of a Shadowcat, but it's bad luck for Nour Kharma (Shadowcat) who dies to shuriken.

Wednesday, 22 October

[11:03 AM] Anna Catherine Tindall (Zebra 42) and Isobel Sands (Nikki Heat) can't Dodge the righteous fire of Doc Holliday

[12:05 PM] Trodat visits someone, but someone is out...

[12:30 PM] DaVinci investigates, but makes no great discoveries today

[13:00 PM] Ben Morley proves adept at chopping vegetables as Frederick Brewer (Turnip) falls to his chopping "knoif"

[13:15 PM] Intrigue abounds as The Reaver speeds Sofia Riccio (Charon) across the Styx

[14:10 PM] Sanguine is, well, cheerful about an act of murder. Seth Kruger (Hubris) has perhaps learned his lesson...

[15:09 PM] Matt Almond (Kazuo Kiriyama) suffers death by Freeze ray

[16:20 PM] 71hours, a long time to spend losing a pursuer...

[16:30 PM] Griff discusses his alliance with Gryph by taking pot-shots at him...

[17:29 PM] jehearo truly turns Shaun Sim into Bantha Fodder

[17:30 PM] DaVinci thinks Captain Hammer is horribly familiar but stops short of making a very big mistake...

[17:55 PM] Quokka sights a target but fails to catch their ad-verse-ary (sorry)

[20:45 PM] Enrique Parmesan shows how it should be done, proving that Samuel Mackey (The Reaver) can in fact die from stab wounds

[21:50 PM] James Delaney (Thumb Ducker) forgets his proton pack and is slain by a Ghost

[23:20 PM] snow falls on invisibalkitty who evades purrrrfectly (sorry)

Thursday, 23 October

[00:15 AM] Totoro is not your friend Midnight Dragon

[08:45 AM] Andrew Guy (The Uncaring Hands) heartlessness is made very literal by 1337PKer

[10:55 AM] An assassin Zer0es in on Matt Cornford (The Sloth) who can't be bothered to keep alert

[15:44 PM] Cloakless would rather be at Oxford than not find his target...

[16:23 PM] PinkiePied is perturbed by a problematic party plan

[17:15 PM] String bean Jean spoils things by killing Fin Williams (MoisturiseMe) with a non-water weapon

Friday, 24 October

[08:32 AM] Christopher Giles Martin (PinkiePied) is gutted after Rosencrantz holds a surprise early-morning sword themed party for him

[09:55 AM] Shocking behavior by Fred the latest would-be recruit to the Bad Horse Chorus who tries to cut down Enrique Parmesan with no cause!

[10:55 AM] Laika ends the diabolical biological experiments of Aiden Chan (Rahiden)

[11:51 AM] Cloakless you have mail...

[11:55 AM] Laika's really putting in the evil-hours today as Richard Jones (Ivan Inamiable) falls

[14:23 PM] Xueqi Qin (snow) is no longer Lemongrab's nemesis

[15:00 PM] It pains me to explain that Quokka is at it again...

[19:33 PM] heidigger can't dig up a target

Saturday, 25 October

[16:46 PM] Sanguine merrily declares that Ruggero Chicco (It's Chico Time) is over

[18:00 PM] The Rooster ends what Ignas Urbonavicius (The Other Guy) started...

Sunday, 26 October

[02:00 AM] Let's do the Time Warp again...

[11:30 AM] Trodat ends the ambitions of Kenki Matsumoto the Land of the Rising Sun

[13:00 PM] Gri/y/ff/phMaf is one member down as a Ghost picks off Rory Braggins (Griff)

[18:50 PM] Griph has the nerve to gun down their assassin Robin Borchert the BigBadNeuroSwagg

[18:51 PM] End My Soup? goes all Sweeny Todd on Rory Barber (Edward Scissorhands) with help from Pink Moon

[20:00 PM] The invisibalkitty gets the jump on Clarine Julienne (lilipoutou) and her chauffeur Romaric Masson (The Crew's Driver)

Monday, 27 October

[11:05 AM] Karan Gupta (Pent Breath) and Madeleine Steer (Meatier Needles) prove a bad combination, simultaneously killing each other with knives

[13:05 PM] End My Soup? puts Ben Weber (The Overly Ambitious Assassin) in his place at, and I quote, '13:05 this morning'...

[18:20 PM] Evil Chicken's poultry efforts scrape an extension to their competence deadline

[19:46 PM] The Rooster kills two birds with one stone as Em Travis (Alice Cooper) and Meg Honigmann (Scarlett shadow) are clawed to death

[20:57 PM] 1337PKer efficiently deletes Molly O'Connor (Fruncies)

[21:28 PM] Someone answering to Description tries to visit Enrique Parmesan but edam well came at the wrong time - how that must grate (sorry)

[22:10 PM] Griph and Gryph go looking for targets but are unable to triangulate their locations...

[23:30 PM] King Mickey's special operations unit composed of Bullet tooth tony, Tim the Enchanter, Admiral Ackbar, The fluffy hamster and Ben Morley raid [REDACTED], with Admiral Ackbar killing Alyosha Latyntsev (John Von Neurfmann), The fluffy hamster killing Georgios Topaloglou (L'assassino) and Bullet tooth tony killing Alistair O'Neill (The Purple Shirted Eye Stabber), but Ben Morley (Ben Morley) is ambushed and slain by Hodor; Loki was just passing...

Tuesday, 28 October

[10:05 AM] Start the clock - The Foretold is here - and soon after Christopher Weekes lies dead in a (crazy random happenstance)

[16:45 PM] Quokka proves Greg Harker (Artful Dodger) is poorly named...

[16:46 PM] King Mickey leads another charge with The fluffy hamster and Tim the Enchanter who slays Isaac Lawton (Trodat) and Rachel Wilson (Someone Maternal)

Wednesday, 29 October

[13:20 PM] The Duchess kills off Joseph Paul Bradbury Swartzentruber (Guarneri) in terribly common fashion

[13:30 PM] Enrique Parmesan is cheesed off to find himself Wanted! after an incident of mistaken identity

[16:15 PM] Bad Luck isn't having the best luck today

[16:43 PM] Priorities heidigger, priorities...

[17:30 PM] Altaria forces Heather Britton (The Foretold) to stand-down permanently

Thursday, 30 October

[13:55 PM] DrKrieger's up to some evil scheming as emminet scientist Souradip Mookerjee (Lemongrab) is murdered near his lab

[15:20 PM] Bad Luck strikes for Leo Popplewell the Goliath birdeater tarantula

[17:00 PM] DaVinci still can't get this assassination lark to fly...

[21:13 PM] Michael Truby (The Tainted Naegor) is forced to withdraw his application to the ELE on medical grounds

Friday, 31 October

[11:06 AM] Mission failure for SCP001

[11:40 AM] Arrrrrr! Long John Silver runs Nikolaos Kateris (Tachytis) through with a dagger

[12:00 PM] Christopher Bennett (Divine Shadow) fails to learn lessons from watching Jurassic Park and is slaughtered by a Bantersaurous Rex

[13:00 PM] Rory Bolsover (Gunpowder Green) is savaged to death by The fluffy hamster

[13:45 PM] SCP001 really needs to change recruiting policies...

[18:25 PM] The rogue Enrique Parmesan is out of control, killing unarmed Bad Horse Chorus member Samuel Mackey (Fred) as a pre-emptive action!

[22:40 PM] Justice (and supper) is served as Henry McIntyre Dickie (Enrique Parmesan) is sliced up by SentientWaffle

Saturday, 1 November

[23:59 PM] Absolutely nothing happened today. The calm before the storm?

Sunday, 2 November

[09:57 AM] James Meiklejohn (Klarrisa Spievack) fears the evaluation of the Bad Horse Chorus and quickly withdraws his application

[10:40 AM] It's a brand new day, and the first Incompetence List is posted!

[11:00 AM] Quokka cries havoc and lets slip the dogs of war on Ben Catterall (Wolf)

[11:04 AM] Angelus begins his spree in tame fashion eliminating Alice Li (Cherry Fire) with a *bang* kill

[11:40 AM] The not so terrible Dmitrij Szamozvancev (Ivan the Terrible) suffers a sudden but inevitable betrayal at the hands of Hoban's Stegosaurus

[12:49 PM] A bridge too far for Rachael Gregory (Bellatrix) who falls to erstwhile friend String bean Jean

[13:00 PM] The Bash begins!

[13:00 PM] Dr Horrible, Lary Bambel, heidigger and the Evil Chicken sweep for incompetents for over 4 hours. Only one shot is fired in anger, and does not result in a kill...

[13:30 PM] Enkvir kills Isar Bhattacharjee (Sanil Roy)

[13:36 PM] Buffy Summers and Simon Tam help Angelus take down Oona Farchy (gingerbreadman) and Robert Carroll (Teduardo) and Doc Holliday gun down Fergus Egan (goose)

[14:10 PM] Danielle Saunders (Captain Hammer) finds out what pain feels like at the hands of Ben Sillence (Nefarious Noddy) but is slain by a watchful police ally Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

[15:00 PM] Stanislav Fort (Gaius Plinius Secundus) will have to have vengeance in the next life as his current incarnation has just been cut down by Nikki Heat

[17:00 PM] Wesley Wyndam-Pryce slays Rowan Haslam (Totoro)

[18:00 PM] A man with Blue Hands kills Josh Degenhardt in his natural HABITat

[18:30 PM] DaVinci's research pays off, driving Albert Seung Woo Kang the Bantersaurous Rex into extinction

[20:26 PM] Ninetails whips out a pistol and shoots Vidur Mehta (Big V)

[21:51 PM] Kevin Duff (KDog) is so appalled by the singing of the Bad Horse Chorus he resigns from the game...

[22:11 PM] The Freeze ray halts Timothy Ekeh (ArmouredTitan) in his tracks

Monday, 3 November

[10:00 AM] Nikki Heat continues to cut a swathe through the incompetence list as Alex Law (the water) evaporates before her wrath

[18:40 PM] Sanguine merrily slaughters Ying Teng (Yang)

[18:50 PM] The Evil Chicken shows Jonathan Utterson (Diraclohr) who's first in the pecking order

[21:51 PM] the Lightning Flame turns the tables on Kai Hugtenburg, eclipsing the Pink Moon

Tuesday, 4 November

[13:01 PM] Glorfindel salies forth but finds no foes

Wednesday, 5 November

[08:30 AM] Griph and Gryph go a-hunting, but lose their way a little...

[11:23 AM] A corpse was brutally attacked! How very illogical Vulcan

[11:35 AM] 71hours and the target's still not arrived...

[14:20 PM] Angelus and Quokka the bard go inco hunting, killing Alex Fairclough (pseudonym), but Samuel Mackey (Angelus) is slain by The "The"

[18:00 PM] Attempts: 4 - kills Zer0

[21:40 PM] invisibalkitty is on the prowl...

[21:51 PM] Mike McMurdersome can't live up to his name today it seems

Thursday, 6 November

[12:10 PM] DarkMavis strikes down Alex Allen (Jaqen H'ghar)

[13:00 PM] Michael Warman the (Evil Chicken) has his wings clipped by an assassin, of whom no Description could be given

[19:05 PM] Bad Luck as Chris Djali (SCP001) suffers a mysterious fatal injury...

[19:21 PM] Simon Tam seeks to deliver an efficient (and lethal) treatment for incompetence, but his patient is nowhere to be found

[20:20 PM] James Alexander (Ted the Bear) is cut down in a cunning ploy by Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

[20:40 PM] Two-by-two hands-of-blue as heidigger and Hands of Blue square off indecisively against Valvopus but Alessandro Mariani (heidigger) is brought down by Blue Hands!

[21:30 PM] King Mickey and Tim the Enchanter search the realm, but caution prevails over bravado

[22:10 PM] Richard Allitt (Simon Tam) ends up on the wrong side (or at least the losing side) of jehearo's nerf gun. Rest in peace Simon, we shall all name our hamsters after you...

Friday, 7 November

[09:00 AM] Focus Quokka! Focus!

[11:00 AM] Stefan Bencik (Rosencrantz) is dead, slain by Long John Silver, no word as yet on Guildenstern...

Saturday, 8 November

[12:22 PM] DarkMavis tells the tale of Lost Immortal who renders Thomas (Twm) Stone both Cloakless and lifeless

[19:00 PM] Ninetails flays Joshua de Gromoboy (1337PKer)

[19:01 PM] Hodor decides that killing Steve Hodgson would Matternot

Sunday, 9 November

[11:18 AM] The Rooster gets cocky, and guns down an innocent, becoming Wanted!

[14:15 PM] Laika leaves behind the bloodied corpse of Matthew Coates (Sanguine)

[18:00 PM] King Mickey leads an army of Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin, The Slightly Rabid Gerbil and Gryff, but the enemy marauders cannot be brought to the field of battle

Monday, 10 November

[14:52 PM] jehearo inhumes Hannah Cavender-Deere (Captain Paws) - I wonder what she's Captain of?

[16:17 PM] DrKrieger's reconnaissance comes to nothing

[20:05 PM] No luck for Griph

[20:41 PM] Still no luck for Griph...

Tuesday, 11 November

[10:07 AM] jehearo's racking up the kills, taking down Alexander Horne (Laika)

[11:05 AM] Quokka murders first Katherine Macfarland (Ninetails) and then poetry

[12:01 PM] Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin rides to battle, but then thinks better of it and runs away...

[17:58 PM] Rob Laidlow (Glorfindel) is savaged to death by an attack penguin sent Via Telegram

Wednesday, 12 November

[09:40 AM] The Duchess ends not just the soup, but the entire banquet for Gwilym Kuiper (End My Soup? AKA Lost Immortal)

[10:20 AM] ISaD is unemotional about gunning down Tom James (Vulcan)

[13:55 PM] Another message arrives Via Telegram

[14:24 PM] Quokka recieves mail...

[16:17 PM] DrKrieger tries to cull a SentientWaffle but it resists...

[17:45 PM] You see a black-tie clad Matt Kaye (Ghost); who you gonna call? Quokka apparently...

[19:15 PM] DaVinci disects a corpse...

[23:10 PM] Faith kills a competent player in error and is declared corrupt. Time for a redemption arc, or descent into amorality? We shall see...

Thursday, 13 November

[09:30 AM] Ben Smith (Admiral Ackbar) falls into a trap laid by King Mickey who proves him to be no Dovahkin

[11:16 AM] Fred Alford (Duchess) falls to the ongoing slaughter being perpetrated by jehearo

[16:10 PM] invisibalkitty isn't having a good day...

[16:48 PM] Alexander Hardwick (Quokka) proves that while the pen is mightier than the sword, it's not a match for The Slightly Rabid Gerbil supported by Tim the Enchanter

Friday, 14 November

[18:00 PM] Oh dear DaVinci, oh dear...

Saturday, 15 November

[16:55 PM] Dr Horrible eschews thunderbolting in favour of doing things the old-fashioned way, and starts by gunning down Emily Craddock (DRKN335)

[18:16 PM] Faith illegally slays SentientWaffle resulting in belated Umpirical intervention and heaping further infamy on Faith

[21:00 PM] jehearo passes the standard ELE loyalty test, killing boyfriend Lucky Delaunay (Flexy)

Sunday, 16 November

[12:00 PM] King Mickey, Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin, The Slightly Rabid Gerbil and Gryff declare a crusade against incompetence, slaying Louise Ellis (Japanese Knotweed) while Dr Horrible lurks sinisterly in the background

[15:00 PM] Angus Hammond (Freeze ray) doesn't like the sound Open Season, and withdraws his ELE application

[15:02 PM] Laurel (Griph) and Hardy (Gryph) are at it again...

[15:45 PM] Wesley Wyndam-Pryce and DaVinci declare war on Gri/yphMaf, with Richard Jones (Wesley Wyndam-Pryce) gunning down Morgan Rayner-Philipson (Gryph) but falling to Griph, with Hoban's Stegosaurus lurking in the background planning a sudden but inevitable betrayal - but for whom?

[16:50 PM] Having had enough the Chorus being brought into disrepute, Dr Horrible, Corporal Hammer, and Nikki Heat descend upon Samuel Mackey (Faith). Faith brings down Douglas Hall (Dr Horrible) but is trampled to death by BAD HORSE, released by Corporal Hammer

Monday, 17 November

[08:50 AM] The killing spree of Leslie Stowe (jehearo AKA ISaD) is ended by the SentientWaffle

[11:00 AM] The newly promoted Lieutenant Hammer falls to the invisibalkitty

[11:59 AM] King Mickey takes the traditional kingly approach to rivals, and stabs Louise Davies (Zer0) to death

[13:00 PM] Gryff cuts down James Brett (Enkvir)

[15:00 PM] A dead Leslie Stowe lures SentientWaffle into the clutches of invisibalkitty resulting in an annulled kill, a grumpy Umpire and Leslie Stowe's new police incarnation going immediately Corrupt

[15:50 PM] The hammer of Thor falls on Zack Hassan (The Rooster)

[17:44 PM] Kieran Gilday (SentientWaffle) is hungrily devoured by an attack penguin, sent Via Telegram

[18:05 PM] Crossed lines? Another message Via Telegram...

[19:00 PM] Sahil Youngs (The Shade) slips into darkness, life claimed by invisibalkitty

[23:00 PM] Augustin Zidek, Daniel (Danny) Hunt, Grace Ding, Hayley Weir, Maciej Szukszto, Michael Lin, Nathan Wang Liao Yinan and Nicola Larter fall to a shower of Umpirical thunderbolts

Tuesday, 18 November

[08:45 AM] King Mickey slays the pretender Alfie Wright (Griph). Long live the King!

[09:55 AM] DarkMavis extinguishes Neil Ibata (the Lightning Flame)

[11:15 AM] We're a redshirt down as Joshua de Gromoboy (Generic SHIELD Agent #2) falls to Patience, a traitor in the police ranks. Out of the darkness, into the light! Hail HYDRA!

[17:21 PM] Bad Luck descends upon Doc Holliday, but Doc Holliday is out. Bad luck Bad Luck...

[17:30 PM] Impasse as DaVinci demonstes a lack of genius when targeting DarkMavis

[20:09 PM] DrKrieger guns down Elizabeth Anne Hawkins (71hours)

Wednesday, 19 November

[07:50 AM] King Mickey goes out to meet the peasants, meeting the militiamen Cheddar Nimitz, Hands of Blue and Loki, and a would-be-regicide of questionable proficiency DrKrieger. King Mickey also guns down Joseph Gregory (DarkMavis) and lays siege to the fortress of Blue Hands and Hodor

[13:16 PM] Generic SHIELD Agent #1 does an autopsy on Joseph Gregory

[18:02 PM] Unlikely allies Patience and Agent Coulson assemble to take on Blue Hands

Thursday, 20 November

[10:30 AM] DaVinci keeps up his tradition of nearly shooting police, narrowly avoiding killing Generic SHIELD Agent #1

[14:45 PM] Blue Sun is a man down as Cristian-David Calin (Blue Hands) falls to DrKrieger

[17:28 PM] Cheddar Nimitz pays someone a call

[18:00 PM] Seriously DaVinci. Seriously.

[18:15 PM] Agent Coulson and Patience's desperate alliance holds for another episode, but their enemies refuse to show themselves

[21:00 PM] Dead Bowie issues a challenge to Tomasz (Tomek) Jan Nawrocki

Friday, 21 November

[08:30 AM] The King is dead! Michael French (King Mickey) falls to the nefarious scheming of DrKrieger!

[12:00 PM] Robert Allen (DaVinci)'s run of almost shooting police players comes to a end as he ends and is ended by Thomas (Twm) Stone (Generic SHIELD Agent #1)

[16:10 PM] Bad Luck haunts Doc Holliday

[16:41 PM] Another cryptic missive Via Telegram - the network seems to be being run by BT Broadband...

[19:00 PM] Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin, Gryff and The Slightly Rabid Gerbil are seen lurking in the dark. I can only presume they are holding a vigil for their fallen King...

Saturday, 22 November

[14:09 PM] Reports of a hangover may explain the erratic nature of the message we received yesterday Via Telegram

[21:30 PM] Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin, Gryff and The Slightly Rabid Gerbil return from their King's wake, but the death of their monarch has not dented their resolve. Long live King Robin!

Sunday, 23 November

[12:00 PM] Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin leads The Slightly Rabid Gerbil in an attack, but their target flees Via Telegram before Robin can point out that this is his job...

[22:00 PM] Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin rides to the rescue of Gryff who is besieged by DrKrieger supported by Cheddar Nimitz and Hands of Blue

Monday, 24 November

[13:00 PM] Salman Iftikhar (DrKrieger) supported by Cheddar Nimitz tries to take down Bullet tooth tony, but the gunslinger turns the tables on the villainous doctor

[13:05 PM] Stan Lee isn't satisfied with his Avengers cameo and goes on a rampage!

[13:30 PM] Hodor gets trigger-happy...

[17:00 PM] Stan Lee's (slightly more targeted) rampage continues, as he guns down inco Tomasz (Tomek) Jan Nawrocki with the following Description

Tuesday, 25 November

[00:11 AM] Another nuisance call Via Telegram. I'm on the Telegram Preference Service you know - I shouldn't be getting these!

[10:00 AM] Agent Coulson sees duty done, with an...interesting...new S.H.I.E.L.D. prototype from Fitz and Simmons, killing Leslie Stowe (Patience)

[17:01 PM] Stan Lee is baiting Umpirical wrath...

Wednesday, 26 November

[09:20 AM] The city is safe again, as the infamous Ben Weber (Stan Lee) is brought down by Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin and The Slightly Rabid Gerbil

[10:30 AM] Adam Beaumont (Bad Luck) is slain by a knife dispatched Via Telegram

Thursday, 27 November

[15:44 PM] Likely our final message Via Telegram

[16:15 PM] Charlie Farmer (The "The") holds the line against Alessandro Mariani (Cheddar Nimitz) and Thomas (Twm) Stone (Generic SHIELD Agent #94) in an epic siege that, in true George R. R. Martin style, leaves everyone dead

The Assassins' Guild - Headlines

Tuesday, 21 October