Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Tuesday, 21 October

[10:00 AM] Showtime!

He got the application that you just sent in.
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin!

[10:20 AM] Griph and Griff help Gryph show Matt Arnold the Mused Pony that he's nothing to the Thoroughbred of Sin
Gryph reports:

I assassinated Matt Arnold today at 10:20 AM with a "dagger" biro. Griff and Griph assisted in locating him. Griff and I also assisted in an attempt on one of Griph's targets, but he was not in.

Griph reports:

This morning at roughly 10:30, I along with the rest of [There are no Mafias in Cambridge] made our way to [COLLEGE REDACTED] in search of Matt Arnold, one of Gryph's targets. Gryph knocked on the door and when it was answered, stabbed Matt with a pen. Matt suffered fatal injuries.

Following Gryphs's kill, our [There are no Mafias in Cambridge] descended upon [COLLEGE REDACTED] in search of [TARGET REDACTED].
Left a note for the absent would-be-victim.
Until next time.

Griff reports:

Time: 9:50, 21/10
Declaration of peace and cooperation between the Gr(i/y)(ff/ph)s, despite Gryph being the target of Griff.

Time: 10:20, 21/10
Having just missed the quarry, the attempted ambush outside the Chemistry Building on Lensfield Road was abandoned. All haste was made to the target's room, attempting to cut him off and kill him in the street. A key code provided by an oblivious civilian permitted entrance to a warren of corridors, through which the target's hideout was finally found. The target was subdued by a clean stab to the heart. This was disappointing, as it would have been useful for later prosection ...

[12:00 PM] The Purple Shirted Eye Stabber makes a literal One Eyed Jack out of Joe Tomkinson the Jack of Hearts
The Purple Shirted Eye Stabber reports:

Eyes are squishy, squishy things. That said, they become even more squishy once a nice slice of metal makes its way through the sclera. Imagine my glee upon seeing one of my targets leaving a lecture. I promptly changed into my most dashing mauve attire and looped around the building.

Coming at him from the side, he noticed the excited glint in my eye as the reflective glint of my knife entered his eye. As I examined my kill I saw, to my surprise, that he had managed to retrieve a pistol from his holster, but had not had the chance to discharge it.

Close, my deceased cyclops friend, but not close enough.

- The Purple Shirted Eye Stabber

Jack of Hearts reports:

The lecture it was over and the mathmos were spilling out the hall;
The corridor was noisy, but everyone looked to be above board.
A purple shirt was looming, fingers clenching on a gun,
Anyone with better sense would already have run,
They left him in the doorway, face down like the Jack of Hearts.

[12:15 PM] Japanese Knotweed overgrows Bobby He (The Steam Cleaner) but reports of the death of The Reaver have been greatly exagerated!
Japanese Knotweed reports:

After walking around Queens' looking very suspicious, I discovered Cripps Court. I then introduced myself to Bobby without him twigging, and reached for my knife and plunged it into his back. We had a nice conversation afterwards even though I forgot to bring biscuits. My other target [The Reaver] was also fortunately in Cripps Court, and was significantly more vigilant. After waiting in their bathroom for 40 minutes I struck up a conversation with people on their corridor who alerted me to their presence (I don't think The Reaver will ever treat them the same again). I then hid behind a door and using my finely-tuned assassin senses, struck as The Reaver approached their room.

The Reaver reports:

Alas my foray into the Michaelmas 2013 [My freeze-ray experiments seem to have had some odd side-effects. Sorry. DH.] game ended approximately three hours after it had begun. Not quite believing that three of my corridor buddies had been enlisted against me, nor that anyone was willing to wait for hours on end in my (regrettably unlocked) bathroom - I left myself wide open to the attack that such an display of incompetence would inevitably bring. Such an attack came just as I returned from a supervision. I just had the reflexes to get a few rounds off from my rubber band gun, but this was insufficient to prevent the inevitable as I was inhumanely butchered upon my staircase. As I lay bleeding out, I had some consolation that I was not my killer's first as I was informed by my treacherous flat mates that they had eliminated another Queens' target prior to the occupation of my bathroom. At this point I saw the light and moved onto the next life in which I regrettably lack the ability to gut/fire rubber bands at others - but in which my blood pressure will probably stay significantly lower...

UMPIRE: To the best of the Umpire's knowledge, The Reaver was stabbed in the ball of the shoulder rather than the torso. As per the Weapons Rules, injuries to a limb simply cripple that limb for 30 mins or the remainder of the fight. This applies both for melee and ranged weapons.
As such The Reaver was only heavily wounded not killed in this encounter as reported.

[13:55 PM] Bullet tooth tony takes down Edward Jack Kirkby (Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan) not quite On the Hour aided by King Mickey and The Overly Ambitious Assassin
Bullet tooth tony reports:

My dearest Bad Horse,

I wish to report death.
Weapons: Many, many nerd guns [Are you sure this is right? DH.]
Have I clocked enough evil hours to become a member of the Henchmen League?

Signed (*in the blood of my enemies*)
Bullet tooth tony

[BAD HORSE: The Henchmans' Union? For one kill? Neigghhhhhhh!]

The Overly Ambitious Assassin reports:

Today at noon I was feasting in hall when I was recruited to battle by King Mickey. His plan was ambitious, but I was ready for battle. We departed at once, fully armed and ready for war. First we went after [TARGET REDACTED], with the assistance of a spy King Mickey had within their camp. We made it all the way to their tent, only to find it occupied by their squire, who happily reported their absence. We turned tails and left, only to notice someone heading in the other direction. Mickey's mead clouding my mind, I couldn't remember exactly what my target looked like, so I ambitiously returned to the tent. It was over-ambitious, and it wasn't him. We were met upon exit by an ally of Mickey's, Bullet tooth tony. He too had blood to settle in the camp, so we marched up to the tent of his nemesis, ready to battle. Again, no one in. Is this entire camp deserted? Mickey quickly decided to strike back at the dissenters in his own camp, ready to hunt down [TARGET REDACTED]. Again, no one in. I'm beginning to question whether Mickey's enemies have spies close to him too!

Next we set off for the oldest fortress in the land, looking for the blood of Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan. This was a dangerous mission to begin with, the King had no spies inside, it was airtight. Worse, directions within were jumbled up, we had thought we knew their address, now the address purported to belong to someone else! [For clarity these staricase rosters have not been updated - altering correct rosters is against the rules. DH.] We decided to look anyway. At worse their trickery would lead to the unintended death of one of their own! We arrived at their chamber, again marked differently. In an overly-ambitious attempt to get to the bottom of this mystery, I knocked at the door to ask for directions, under the guise of being the friend of my target. At this stage another resident, under the impression I was a new squire, informed me of the plot, as the sound of a crossbow loading came from within. I had seconds to run for cover, only to find a crossbow bolt in my shoulder and an embarrassed King Mickey with an unloaded crossbow. No matter, let one-armed battle commence!

The siege lasted a while, as I learned to fire my crossbow without the use of my good arm, and my allies exchanged fire with the enemy. At last, Bullet tooth tony's aim found the target, who promptly slumped in the corridor. VICTORY!

King Mickey reports:

Today marks the first day of a new era in my glorious Kingdom, and it has been celebrated as such. First, with my loyal subjects The Overly Ambitious Assassin and Bullet tooth tony, I proceeded to the lands to the south-west as a target each was there, save for Bullet tooth tony who was merely keen for action. Though my target was nowhere to be seen, Overly Ambitious was able to gain entry to his target's building. With Bullet tooth tony and Overly Ambitious leading the assault, the fray was entered! Well prepared was our foe, and many nerf darts were traded during the next many minutes. I myself fired a single shot, severing Overly Ambitious's left arm so as to provide a more sporting challenge. Sadly for such young blood, eventually Edward Jack Kirkby fell to a well timed shot from Bullet tooth tony.

[14:00 PM] Q) Why did the Evil Chicken cross the road? A) To get to the target who wasn't in.
Evil Chicken reports:

I went in search of [TARGET REDACTED] for an easy kill because they were the only 1 of my 3 targets to be nice enough to still have a photo of themselves for public consumption on Facebook, and was the only one of whom I knew where the college was. After a bit of wandering in [COLLEGE REDACTED] slightly maze-like layout, I found the right building, and set about the HURCULEAN task of gaining entry to the "secure" building, which I accomplished after less than 10 seconds when someone leaving let me in. I then went to their door and knocked (I'd already seen through the window that they didn't seem to be home, but I thought it couldn't hurt to check (quite an error)), whereby I was shortly face-to-face with their next door neighbour asking why I wanted to see them, and if I would like to leave a message. At this point I regretted not coming up with a plausible excuse beforehand, and waffeled something about having a message (is a stab wound a message? [[BAD HORSE: The best kind ]) which I didn't want to leave (tempting though it was to murder the neighbour), and generally couldn't have looked more suspicious if I'd tried, so the news that "a shifty looking person was on your doorstep earlier" has probably reached my target already... When the neighbour offered to take a message, I simply responded with "I'll come back later"...

Evil Chicken

[14:35 PM] Quokka stabs a corpse...
Quokka reports:

OK, so - today I Quokka made an attempt at assassinating one of my targets, [TARGET REDACTED] at approx. 14:35. The kill was successful, but I found out immediately afterwards that he/she had already been killed by a different assassin this morning!

1) Does this count as an attempt? [Yes]
2) Am I now 'wanted' for killing a non-player? (I hope not...) [No. Stabbing a corpse is not a crime in the Guild's eyes. Just kind of morbid and creepifying...]
3) Should I even be reporting this? [How much do you want competence?]


[15:20 PM] Tim the Enchanter helps King Mickey in finding Yu She (Nemo)
King Mickey reports:

In celebration [of my earlier glorious act of friendly fire,] a mere hour later, I joined Tim the Enchanter in finding and dispatching Yu She. Tired of the epic battles that signalled the start of my campaign, I simply located her and shot her efficiently in the back. Like any good benevolent monarch.

[18:00 PM] PinkiePied spots a HABITual rogue sparring with a mystery assailant
PinkiePied reports:

Heya! PinkiePied here with a fantabulosistic piece of trivia!

Today I went to scope out the places to perform my parties, keeping my party cannon with me in case of party emergencies, but all my guests were out! Still, I saw an exchange of celebrations in the stairwell: a friend of mine and a stranger tried to give each other big smiles with a little carving! I tried to join in, but by the time I'd pulled my katana from my emergency katana stash they'd lost the will to party and had agreed to go their separate ways. Phooey...

[18:07 PM] Mike McMurdersome shoots You! Sam Twist (You) dies...
Mike McMurdersome reports:

I was casing out this joint across the other side of town, real smooth, when I saw him. he was just boldly walking down the street, like he didn't have a care in world. Well if Bad Horse has given me this elevator to the top, I sure as hell aim to ride it. Feeling the weight of an old second-hand 2-shot I bought with the last of my money earlier that day, in my coat, and my breath tightening, I tried to remember what the boys had said; "you just point, and pull the trigger Mike - there aint nothing to it..."
...There aint nothing to it...


My first time. I meant to fire both shots to make sure, and say a cool line - something menacing and cold like in the movies -

"Bad Horse sends his regards"

- but he dropped on the first, all I said was "bwarrghgh!" , and then my shaking legs were already taking me out of there fast.. Anyway I guess none of that dont make no difference when you're bleeding out on the ground with a hole ripped in your chest.

And there's plenty more to try...

You reports:

I died

[18:10 PM] Sarah Assaf the Silent Serpent is squashed by Someone Maternal
Someone Maternal reports:

Just to let you know I've killed my first target, Sarah Assaf, by slitting her throat under the porch of her house...

[18:50 PM] MoisturiseMe crosses the path of a Shadowcat, but it's bad luck for Nour Kharma (Shadowcat) who dies to shuriken.
MoisturiseMe reports:

I assassinated Nour Kharma in a laundry room [Nice touch - DH.] at 18:50, 21/10/2014. I used ninja stars (an NUS and debit card).


Shadowcat reports:

Moisturise Me just killed me with a 'Ninja Star' (plastic card). I was followed into the laundry room. Moisturise Me asked for my name, and upon confirmation threw a ninja star which hit me in the chest. I was too concerned that they were a confused fresher with a question and did not have time to reach for my highlighter 'dagger' in my back pocket.

Wednesday, 22 October

[11:03 AM] Anna Catherine Tindall (Zebra 42) and Isobel Sands (Nikki Heat) can't Dodge the righteous fire of Doc Holliday
Doc Holliday reports:

Diary of J. H. Holliday - 22/10

Today has been a long day... It's been almost 3 weeks now since I returned to Dodge City. My return was less than happy, there seems to have been a sudden influx of wide-eyed, whiny young'uns, barely past hidin' behind their mommas' petticoats, come to seek their fortunes. To make matters worse, they seem to have brought all manner of malladies with them and the spectre of my own sickness has been awoken once more!

I despise them... But no matter, soon enough, Dodge will grind their souls down, as it does everyone's. The shine in their eyes will fade, as they slave away late in to the night under their candles, just to get by. Anyway, I digress...

Word had recently reached me that a new band of outlaws had been spotted roaming the plains. They're crazier than a hopping mad toad and it was rumoured they were killing people, even each other, for sport! This didn't sit well with me, no sir, not at all. Unlike my good friends, the Earps, I ain't no lawman. But I wasn't about to stand by, watching as chaos descended. Armed with my trusty six-gun, and the names and locations of a few of these rabble rousers, I saddled my trusty steed and set out to clean this town up.

The first, I found in a gambling den. I tried my hand at a few games as I waited for her to leave, just to see if I still had the old skill. Safe to say, I never lost it... As she walked out, I followed close behind. Calling her name, I sentenced her as judge, jury and executioner, placing just one shot in the small of her back. She slumped to the floor, never to rise again. I quickly holstered my weapon and moved on, nodding at a State Marshall who happened to be walking past. With no evidence on me, I was free to go, but from the look in their eyes, I knew they wouldn't have stopped me anyway. Secretly, they wished they could gun down these outlaws just the same as me.

The second, I found on her way to a public speech. What a slack-jawed ruffian wanted there is beyond me, but I called her out as before, and put 3 rounds in her body in quick succession, fearing my first hadn't done the job. Once again, I tried to move on, but one of her crew saw me, and fired a shot at me, clipping my temple. I thought my time was up, but thankfully, he seemed doubtful, since I was surrounded by a crown and looked unarmed now. He slinked away, hissing dire revenge and I limped back home exhausted and needing rest. Little did I know what lay in store...

As I lay to rest, I heard a knock. A young man, claiming to be the brother of an aquaintance, asked to be let in to see me. My suspicions were raised, as this aquaintance rarely talked of his brother, but I opened the door anyway. I was right to suspect foul play, a shot came through the door, just missing me. Quick-drawing my revolver, I returned fire as I closed the door. A second assailant attempted to unleash some sort of hound on me, but I managed to slam the door on it. In the chaos, my arm was slashed with a crude shank by the young man and my shots went wide. Through the door, he told me with cruel glee that he was in fact the brother of my friend and that he was after my head. As I now lay here, recovering from my many wounds, I am saddened. I wish I could help the boy, he clearly fell in with the wrong crowd and is trying to make a name for himself by taking my scalp, but it is too late now... The only cure is at the end of a barrel...

Some may call me killer, murderer, vigilante, assassin even, but I'm merely a man trying to defend my home and my life. My righteous hunt will not stop until there are none left standing. To all you crooked vultures circling, the fastest gun in the West (of Cambridge) is coming for you... And I have bullets with your names on them, waiting to make your aquaintance...

UMPIRE: Doc Holiday was attacked by an unknown assailant after the second kill who to the Umpire's knowledge has not reported and does not appear to have had licit grounds to target Doc Holiday. If this assassin chooses to report this incident, then Holiday will die of injuries sustained, but the aggressor will be made Wanted for this crime. If no report is forthcoming, the incident will be disregard.

UMPIRE: Doc Holiday has recovered from the flesh wound he sustained on Wed. His attacker will likely never be brought to justice. Such is life in the wild west...

[12:05 PM] Trodat visits someone, but someone is out...
Trodat reports:

Hoping to indulge some light murder before lunch, I ventured to [REDACTED] to try and stamp out [REDACTED]. Although initially confused by the signage at aforementioned, I managed to find my target's room, only to discover he had already left! Though forced to leave this time, I will return and have my prize!

[12:30 PM] DaVinci investigates, but makes no great discoveries today

[13:00 PM] Ben Morley proves adept at chopping vegetables as Frederick Brewer (Turnip) falls to his chopping "knoif"
Ben Morley reports:

I stabbed Frederick Brewer with a "knoif" outside the Mill Lane lecture theatre at approximately 1:00pm today. There were some other assassins in the vicinity, but none drew a weapon or interfered. Ben

Turnip reports:

I am dead - killed by Ben Morley with a knife outside our lecture theatre as we left.

[I'm a little concerned about the standards of spelling amongst today's youth... DH.]

[13:15 PM] Intrigue abounds as The Reaver speeds Sofia Riccio (Charon) across the Styx
The Reaver reports:

Being assigned a target in [REDACTED] was one of the more fortuitous events of the last week. This enabled me to swiftly enlist a civilian accomplice who by happy coincidence had bet the target that she would not survive the first two weeks. Needless to say there was sufficient incentive for the pair of us to speed up her demise. I initially scouted her room to no avail and so moved to the room of said accomplice to discuss a more sophisticated plan. As we left the room to put it into motion, who should walk by? Of course it was the intended target who was swiftly sent to the floor by several shots from my trusty RBG. General rejoicing took place as the accomplice took a bottle of wine from the estate of the deceased as per their bet and I had the satisfaction of making my first kill of this game...

[14:10 PM] Sanguine is, well, cheerful about an act of murder. Seth Kruger (Hubris) has perhaps learned his lesson...
Sanguine reports:

After sweet-talking one of those vigilant guardians, the porters, into smiling on my endeavours, I was granted access to the secure abode of my target. Arriving to find him tucked safely in his room, I skulked suspiciously in the general vicinity in the hope he would reveal hisself. Fortune smiled upon me, and within a mere few minutes he quitted their residence-cum-fortress with many kitchen implements in hand. I strode up as he closed his door and plunged my implement of death squarely into his chest. On leaving, I thanked the helpful porter for his indispensable help in the matter.

Hubris reports:

While on my way out of my room, Sanguine stabbed me with a pen (with knife written on it) while I was unaware. There was no further action.

[15:09 PM] Matt Almond (Kazuo Kiriyama) suffers death by Freeze ray
Freeze ray reports:

Matt Almond came to my room today to try and kill me. I opened my door, and confirmed my name, at which point we stabbed each others' knife arms, before stabbing each other in the torso. I believe neither of these stabs should count because they were delivered with arms that had just been stabbed?
[Correct, these strikes are annulled. DH.]

At this point I switched my knife to my left hand and stabbed Matt again with my uninjured arm. He did not make another attempt to stab me.

[16:20 PM] 71hours, a long time to spend losing a pursuer...
71hours reports:

First assassination attempt: tracked down target's room, knocked and was greeted by two neighbours who told me she was out. Invented a poor excuse as to why I was there and left as quickly as possible only to overhear said neighbours frantically calling target to inform her someone came to assassinate her. Was then followed out of college by neighbour #1, who trailed me through town. Attempts to lose him by hiding in the Heffers children's fiction section were not successful. Eventually lost him by running down a backstreet and hiding behind a market stall.

[16:30 PM] Griff discusses his alliance with Gryph by taking pot-shots at him...
Gryph reports:

Today, [REDACTED] joined the [There are no mafias in Cambridge] (at some point to change his pseudonym to Gryff). Gryph, perhaps feeling that 3 was one too many allies-yet-potential-enemies, threatened me in [REDACTED] at 16:30. I shot him in the leg with a nerf gun and took cover behind a door until he recovered, at which point we agreed to resume our truce. Griff

[17:29 PM] jehearo truly turns Shaun Sim into Bantha Fodder
jehearo reports:

To MAD HORSE, [BAD HORSE: Unamusing.]

Some being was sent to my boudoir at such an hour - at 17:29 to be exact. Three knocks were struck lightly on my door - who could that be? I tentatively peered out along with my accomplice and lo and behold t'was an assassin. He attempted to grace through the door but suffered the penalty of a knife to the chest.

Bantha Fodder reports:

I hung around underneath a staircase leading to jehearo's room for around 10 minutes, waiting for them to leave so I could get a bang-kill (I knew they were inside because I could hear them talking with a friend). Shortly after said friend left, I decided to knock on my target's door, hoping they would mistake me for him (got too impatient to wait for them to leave). It took a while for them to open the door after I first knocked, and I knew that their suspicions had been aroused. I prepared for the worst. Unable to use my water weapon due to the water status of the room, I was forced to assault it with rubber bands (which was a really bad idea in such an enclosed space). I missed all of my shots and jehearo promptly stabbed me with a set square labelled 'knife'. We had a brief chat and I left.

[17:30 PM] DaVinci thinks Captain Hammer is horribly familiar but stops short of making a very big mistake...
DaVinci reports:

While investigating the area in which my target lives and being thoroughly questioned by the porter for loitering, I spotted someone who I believe looked vaguely like my target.
I called out her name as she walked past me to see if she would react (probably not the best idea).
She stopped suddenly and turned round. As I drew my nerf gun, she moved her hand towards her pocket.
However after a long awkward pause it was revealed that it was not in fact my target but the Chief of Police who I had luckily not murdered in cold blood. After a short chat which involved the many things I could have done a lot better and the fact that my target had already been murdered, I headed on to [REDACTED] where one of my other targets resides.

After infiltrating the college under the pretense of meeting a friend, I made my way to my target's room where the note I had left earlier that day was nowhere to be found.
After knocking on his door and getting no response, I looked for the target elsewhere on campus, but could not locate him.
Satisfied that he was probably terrified by my note and was hiding like a little girl, I returned to my college.

Captain Hammer reports:

Now, I've always known I was ruggedly handsome - turns out I may also have the allure and mystery of none other than Nikki Heat...

What am I talking about? Of course I do. I'm Captain Hammer!

[Somebody get me a bucket... DH.]

[17:55 PM] Quokka sights a target but fails to catch their ad-verse-ary (sorry)
Quokka reports:

I'd planned it all, the time, the place,
To try my favourite art:
I'd laid my trap, prepared to shoot
My target in the heart.

I held my nerf-gun ready, as
I waited by the stair.
The tension practically hummed
With murder in the air.

Target sighted, leaving!
Quickly! Sneak behind, and pray...
But no - alas! Disaster struck!
My target ran away.

Throw caution to the winds, and sprint
Through courts and buildings old!
My gunshot missed. Reload - too slow!
The trail of death grew cold.

The target reached a safe canteen.
I'd failed. I stopped. I sighed.
I'll find a kill another day.
For now - at least I tried...


[20:45 PM] Enrique Parmesan shows how it should be done, proving that Samuel Mackey (The Reaver) can in fact die from stab wounds
Enrique Parmesan reports:

Sam Mackey was openly carrying a weapon (knife) and I stabbed him in the torso, killing him. There were two non-player witnesses.

The Reaver reports:

Honour amongst assassins. Apparently thinking there was a modicum of this between players who were not each others targets was a foolish thing. Whilst explaining the rules to two non players in the hope of wooing them into next game, I showed them my knife as an example of a weapon whereupon I was promptly gutted for bearing weapons in public.

[Well played Enrique, well played... DH.]

[21:50 PM] James Delaney (Thumb Ducker) forgets his proton pack and is slain by a Ghost
Ghost reports:

Ghost thanked the strangers as they opened the gate, considering his options. His mission to take out his first target had not been as well planned as it should have been, and as a result he had almost been locked in in a foreign college, while his target had been somewhere else entirely. He could give up, but he had already come this far, and he didn't want to end the night in failure. He still had time to seek another target. To [REDACTED] he would go. The walk was not long, and before he knew it he was passing by his target's residence. Although the first gate he encountered had a keypad, it rested carelessly ajar, doing little to keep out anyone. He pushed it aside, glancing around to see if anyone had spotted that he didn't belong here. As he went up the steps, he immediately noticed yet another keypad on the door, and saw people talking in the hallways through the glass. He feigned getting a text while he waited for one of the residents to exit and give him his way in. Before long, the opportunity came, and he was in the building. He wasn't alone. The same group he had seen earlier were in the hallway, oblivious to his entry or his intentions. Ghost looked around, trying to familiarise himself with his surroundings. Then his head whipped round. The group's discussion had caught his attention. One of them had mentioned the assassins, and when he looked closely, he could see that at least one was bearing weapons, a man who seemed somewhat familiar. Was it his target? He couldn't tell, but he instinctively reached for his weapon, which had been concealed in his bag up till now. "James?" he asked casually, readying himself in case this really was the one he had been looking for. The man he had suspected turned around, away from the conversation he had been having, and without hesitation Ghost drew his pistol and fired. His shot struck home, and he didn't bother following it up. His target was down, and it was clear for all to see. His friends watched in confusion as James fell, and he knew he had to get out before any other assassins in the group took their revenge. So he ran, and didn't look back, leaving death in his wake.

[23:20 PM] snow falls on invisibalkitty who evades purrrrfectly (sorry)
invisibalkitty reports:

Around 23:20 today I got a ring at the door. A voice with a slight flavor of frightfulness asked told me they had got my post in their pigeonhole and wanted to bring it to me. How could this not be an assassin? I said I'll come down soon and took my gun. While opening the door I stuck out my gun and tried to shoot the intruder, but scored no hit. My gun arm was injured by return fire, however nothing more. Spent the next 5 minutes discussing what happened. Should have dropped an anvil on snow's head.

snow reports:

I shot invisibalkitty's arm by the door, and invisibalkitty attempted to shoot me but missed.

Thursday, 23 October

[00:15 AM] Totoro is not your friend Midnight Dragon
Totoro reports:

After I, Totoro, spent the night with some friends in St. John's college, we left to go to the classy club Cindie's with someone from St. John's. Just as we were leaving, my target passed with some friends - helpfully identified to me by the St. John's student. Luckily I prepared for such eventualities... After confirming that they were Midnight Dragon, I whipped out the handy phone gun and shot at point-blank range.

UMPIRE: 'Kill' is void.
Arbitary objects may not be turned into weapons simply by labelling. There are conventions. Labelled bananas and hair-dryers are items known to be used for *bang* kills and accepted to be potentially an assassins weapon - anything else that does not obviously look like a toy-gun cannot be used just because you've labelled it as such.

[08:45 AM] Andrew Guy (The Uncaring Hands) heartlessness is made very literal by 1337PKer
1337PKer reports:

The distance from the target's accommodation to the lecture theater is one hundred and fifty meters. For a typical human gait this is approximately one hundred paces, taking 85 seconds.

This is a short window.

At 08:45 surveillance began. The target's presence on social media is conspicuously lacking, making identification a challenge. An accomplice was meant to arrive shortly to positively ID the target, but they had become 'tied up'.

At 08:57 a suspect matching the target's description was observed leaving the target's accommodation accompanied by an unknown female. The window had opened.

After 49 seconds the 1337PKer approached the suspect. Under the pretense of sharing a mutual friend, introductions were made. The target confirmed his first name.

68 seconds - the window was closing. 1337PKer asked the target to confirm his surname, and the target thoughtlessly obliged. As punishment for this disturbing lack of judgement, 1337PKer opened a cut in the abdomen of the target as he turned back towards the lecture theater.

At 76 seconds the life bled from the target, fewer than a dozen paces from safety. The killer had already disappeared.

The Uncaring Hands reports:

8:55 - Walking to lectures. Assailant asks if I know where [REDACTED] is. He then asks my name and promptly stabs me in the back before I could get my knife, foolishly left in my bag. Little did I know that [REDACTED] was planning on betraying me to my assailant, so I would have ended up dead regardless.

[10:55 AM] An assassin Zer0es in on Matt Cornford (The Sloth) who can't be bothered to keep alert
Zer0 reports:

An idle mind is
A very dangerous thing
I think of violence.

The lecture was dull
and I was on edge as I
spotted my new prey.

I waited an hour
then watched as they left the room
and I followed them.

I disappeared
A ghost amidst the combat
Preparing to strike.

I called out his name
as I unsheathed my longsword,
waiting to spill blood.

He turned around.
My faceplate was the last thing
he saw before death.

He did not react
as my blade digistructed
into his body.

A most confused death
Dead before he even knew
Where I had struck from.

Sorry, did that hurt?
That "sorry" was sarcasm
I am not sorry.

I blend in the crowd.
Waiting for my next target.
Time to go to work.

The Sloth reports:

After assuming safety in the distant West cambridge site, I casually left a lecture chatting away to a fellow colleague. Little did I know that another assassin was lurking just behind me - an unfortunate coincidence, given our subject.

One knife later and it was game over for me.

[15:44 PM] Cloakless would rather be at Oxford than not find his target...
Cloakless reports:

After deciding mid-afternoon was the most likely time for an awake person to be in there [Grammar. That's about standards. DH.] room, I weaponed up, and with my best St John's student swagger I eventually found my way to [REDACTED]. The door of the condemned was behind a keycarded entrance, but my powers of persuasion on another member of the staircase opened it up. Alas, there was no sign of a living target around, and on further waiting none came to light save the notice of "in" on the board. After waiting for 10 minutes, I decided further would not be productive, and returned to my college.


[16:23 PM] PinkiePied is perturbed by a problematic party plan
PinkiePied reports:

Pinkie Pied here with yet another snippet of wisdom: Waiting's BORING!!!

How do I know? I waited to give a surprise party for EONS! I had party poppers, party cannons, cake-knife and musical instruments, but my surprise party recipient had not one but TWO locked doors to get through. I can only bend the laws of physics so much you know!

Anyway, I saw them walking past, but I didn't manage to catch up with them before they vanished elsewhere. This party was pooped...

[17:15 PM] String bean Jean spoils things by killing Fin Williams (MoisturiseMe) with a non-water weapon
String bean Jean reports:

I haven't got my hands dirty yet, so I took a walk
I went up to [REDACTED] and hung around till after dark
Till buttery
(Until buttery)

Did I tell you 'bout the one I know, called Fin Williams?
He spent the autumn day inside his college room.
Yeah she spent the autumn day inside until it's time
to go for food
And the food's alright
(Yeah the food's alright)

I had to pass him in the passage
I had to stand let him by
I had to get to work
I had to stick my kife in his back
I left him dying on the floor
(I had to catch a bus)

Friday, 24 October

[08:32 AM] Christopher Giles Martin (PinkiePied) is gutted after Rosencrantz holds a surprise early-morning sword themed party for him
PinkiePied reports:

Alas! Rosencrantz got up at an ungodly hour to come into my unlocked room at 8:30 in the morning. I was checking my emails when, all of a sudden, I was sliced open by his sword. Goodbye, cruel world!

Yours, Pinkie Pied (Chris Martin)

Rosencrantz reports:

Rosencrantz walked into the room of the designated person and peacefully cut their throat from behind, as they were sitting at their computer-screen.

[09:55 AM] Shocking behavior by Fred the latest would-be recruit to the Bad Horse Chorus who tries to cut down Enrique Parmesan with no cause!
Fred reports:

Not content to wait for incos to come into existence, I decided to satisfy my thirst for blood in more illicit ways. At the end of a lecture, I was tapped on the shoulder by a bright eyed fresher who felt the need to brag of a particularly skilled/underhanded/dishonorable kill that might potentially net an award at the end. Target acquired. I lulled said fresher into a false sense of security with small talk and dropped behind to 'pack my things' or so was thought. It remained the belief that this was a purely innocent action until 5 steps out of the hall where I drew my knife across Enrique's throat - spilling more of the sweet life blood which gave me such a thrill in a previous life...

Enrique Parmesan reports:

Today, my faith in the police force was irreversibly destroyed. As I left a lecture hall at five to ten, Fred, the newest officer on the force and already corrupted, came up behind me with a rolled up piece of paper marked knife and cut my throat, killing me. I would like to become a policeman and purge corruption from the force.

UMPIRE: This kill is annulled by Umpirical decree.
The purpose of the Guild-police force is to ensure order in the game and give dead players something to do. It's not an excuse to randomly go and ruin the games of live players.
Bad Horse does not appreciate people trying to be more evil than he is. Normally this would result in a policeman going corrupt, however given that at the point the 'kill' happened Fred had not actually been added to the police list, I'm going to disregard the whole sorry incident. If you join the police please don't repeat this.

[10:55 AM] Laika ends the diabolical biological experiments of Aiden Chan (Rahiden)
Laika reports:

Having positively identified my target during a shared lecture I prepared my weapons discretely and waited for an opportunity. At the close of the lecture I followed him outside to the courtyard, where I came up behind him, called his name, and put a dart into his back. He had no time to prepare his "attack Blooper", much to his disappointment.

Rahiden reports:

I exited the lecture hall with a sense of anticipation. I was to cycle to my target's college this very afternoon and finish things off. I felt jostling from my shoulder bag; "Quiet, Blooper!" I hissed, giving the writhing mass a firm slap. I had been training the squid to strangle upon command for the past few weeks, and while its slime had taken a rather permanent liking to my lecture notes, it was decided that today was the day.
I was but a few metres from my bike when I heard my name and felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see a somewhat familiar face - we had spoken pleasantly once last year, but never since. Was he trying to rekindle the bond that had started forming all that time ago? Before I could return the greeting, however, I felt the barrel of a gun pressed into the small of my back; a sharp pain seared through my body as I fell to the ground, my bag bursting open in the process. My vision grew blurry as I saw the white creature emerge, realise its unexpected freedom, then squirm off into the distance.

[11:51 AM] Cloakless you have mail...
Cloakless reports:

When I woke from my drunken stupor this morning, I was slightly disconcerted to find that a note had been pushed under my door -
"Next time you won't be so lucky! Lot's [sic] of love, Your Destiny..."

[If the standard of spelling and grammar in this game doesn't improve I will have to start issing bounties... DH.]

[11:55 AM] Laika's really putting in the evil-hours today as Richard Jones (Ivan Inamiable) falls
Laika reports:

I spotted my second target entering a lecture. I followed and took up a spot at the back of the lecture theatre so I might keep an eye on him, gun still 'smoking' from its first kill. 50 minutes of structural engineering later, I dawdled at the back, waiting for my target. I followed him outside and dispatched with him.

Ivan Inamiable reports:

The taste of cider in my mouth as I dragged myself from bed told me today may not go brilliantly. It was right. Lumbering across the courtyard in search of a vending machine to provide some relief from my suffering between lectures I was greeted by a friendly "Hello" from behind. Fuzzy as my brain was, I did not think to suspect danger and instead assumed some friend. They did sound very friendly. Maybe they would give me a hug. I could use a hug. Instead, as I turned around, ignorant of my impending demise, I found a gun pressed against my back and felt a solid thump as a bullet (lovingly inscribed with my name I might add, it's nice at least to be cared about by the person killing you) thudded under my shoulder blade and smashed my lungs to pieces. As I watched the world fade away to darkness I could not help but think that while this wasn't the boost bar I had been after, it was at least a rather permanent relief to the thumping headache, gut wrenching nausea and sense of shame I was feeling.

Think I'd have preferred the boost bar to be quite honest.

Ivan Inamiable (Richard Jones)

[14:23 PM] Xueqi Qin (snow) is no longer Lemongrab's nemesis
Lemongrab reports:

Know your enemy, they said. I know what she looked like, what her timetable was, almost everything about her day. I knew when I was free to strike. I walked into the accomodation that appeared to have been left open. I found her room. I stopped. Utter silence. All I could hear was coughing from another room. The walls must be thin. I didn't need to knock and give away my presence to the people on her corridor. I must be early. I retreated into the washing room. Against the door. I could see when someone would come up the stairs and they wouldn't be able to see me. The spinning of the washing machines was all I had to occupy myself with.

Finally, I see someone coming up the stairs. I recognise her from the picture. She opens the door. I follow behind her. She starts to greet me as if I'm another person she hasn't yet met. In a flash, I draw my knife and impale her back. As I leave her dying behind me, only one thought occupies my mind. She was UNACCEPTAAAABLEEEEEEE.

- Lemongrab

[15:00 PM] It pains me to explain that Quokka is at it again...
Quokka reports:

Rain. Rain. Rain. 30 minutes of rain as I waited outside the staircase. I'm a trained assassin, of course, but it's difficult to perpetuate a reign of terror when I'm straining my eyes to see through the constant drizzle.

Anyway, I had to rein in my bloodthirsty enthusiasm. My target wasn't in, and anyone with a brain could see that my hopes of securing a first kill were draining away. And so - even though it went against the grain - I walked away.

[19:33 PM] heidigger can't dig up a target
heidigger reports:

Almost to Girton I could have gone if I hadn't lost my way to the Sports Centre where my guy was training. I was really determined, and therefore went to [REDACTED] College. I sneaked into the formal and had a look around: unfortunately, my guy wasn't there. I therefore changed target and got to [REDACTED]. I was almost in front of the right room according to the number, but luckily there was a name on the door: it was not my guy, who had his room in a card-protected area (for dangerous people or students in the Guild? Maybe their college offers this service).
I sadly gave up, but remember, my beloved targets: next time, I'm the one who knocks.

Saturday, 25 October

[16:46 PM] Sanguine merrily declares that Ruggero Chicco (It's Chico Time) is over
It's Chico Time reports:

Today at 18 hours 52 minutes, while I was innocently and peacefully walking back from my rowing outing, I could feel in the air that something wasn't quite right. A certain [REDACTED] from [REDACTED] College had apparently tried, and subsequently, successfully snuck into [REDACTED] (which you cannot get in unless you're part of the elite and have a magic specific card key) by mischievously lying to my next door neighbour. The lying was so bad that my neighbour (coincidentally, also called [REDACTED]) suspected them of being a burglar but, nevertheless, let them in [You really need to get better neighbours. DH.]. To my great demise, this evil assassin had had the opportunity of Facebook-stalking me [Other social networking sites are (at least technically) available. DH.] and as I appear in many of my photos they had a clear idea of whom they were out to hunt. My ingenuousness also played a crucial role in my passing away: as I stumbled upon this odd and eccentric stranger who asked me what my name was, I did not think twice before answering in a very earnest and genuine fashion "Rodger". The scoundrel drew out their weapon - a knife (actually a pen dreadfully wrapped in paper) - and stabbed me in the back while I was turning around to give the directions that I had been asked for. My surprise was extreme when, as I was gasping for air with the shiv perforating the back of my torso, I discovered the real nature of the apparently innocuous and socially awkward (banter banter banter) mathematician. As I bled to death on [REDACTED]'s (very ugly) fitted carpet, we exchanged salutations in the way that only two respectable honourable assassins know how to. I am sending this gargantuan wall of text to you, oh my great Umpire [Flattery won't help at this stage I'm afraid. DH.], to acknowledge that Sanguine has purloined, with great grace I must admit (not really but oh well) my life away from me and left me to agonise in silence as they rejoiced over my tragic death.

Ruggero Chicco (a.k.a. It's Chico Time)

Sanguine reports:

I refused to believe I would be locked out of my target's residence forever, and as it turned out I was justified in doing so: I was allowed in by a passing stranger, and although my target was out at the time, I was confident I would eventually succeed, and indeed after some waiting I was rewarded with the opportunity to fulfil the purpose of my being there. Some of my technique was somewhat unrefined, but I'm sure it'll be better next time!

[18:00 PM] The Rooster ends what Ignas Urbonavicius (The Other Guy) started...
The Other Guy reports:

Looking back, it would seem that I did every mistake possible. And yet, it seemed so right back then.

I should have realised something was wrong when my target did not show up where we were supposed to be. I should have taken care of the accomplice before he shouted "[REDACTED], it's him!", and I definitely should have retreated before I was in shooting range.

And yet, some urge pushed me to that one-on-two battle. The insanity deep within whispered: "you know too much about The Rooster, and The Rooster knows too little about you". And when my chin was maimed by the bullet, the very same insanity voice laughed and sung in Freddie Mercury voice: "The Other Guy bites the dust".

I learnt an important lesson that day. A shame it is not going to be useful anytime soon...

the Other Guy

The Rooster reports:

I arrived at my barn after a long day of clucking, announcing the time of day. It was Thursday. A note had been left for me, a clucking assassin had been there! The note read that he had some important documents for me that he would deliver to me on Saturday at 6pm, because he didn't want to hand them to the plodge.

It was a clucking trap! Everybody knows Roosters don't read! So I waited for him with my accomplice in my roost. But he saw some commotion as he arrived and aborted, walking around the block to deflect suspicion. We followed, and eventually my cover was blown at the corner of Jesus Lane.

A flurry of feathers, throwing knives and rubber bands followed. Roosters are highly territorial, and eventually, a victor emerged. I rule this roost. I didn't remember his name though, and that worried me, but then I remembered I'm a clucking rooster and don't give a guano about names.


Sunday, 26 October

[02:00 AM] Let's do the Time Warp again...

A freak freeze-ray malfunction causes the entire country to shift 1 hour back in time at precisely 2am.

[11:30 AM] Trodat ends the ambitions of Kenki Matsumoto the Land of the Rising Sun
Trodat reports:

Trodat stamps out Kenki Matsumoto.

Trodat knocks on Kenki's door at 11:30, and shoots him with a NERF gun as he answers.

[13:00 PM] Gri/y/ff/phMaf is one member down as a Ghost picks off Rory Braggins (Griff)
Griff reports:

Whether by simple happen-stance or foul plot of my erstwhile ally, Gryph, a ghostly assassin was able to float through the window into the [REDACTED] kitchen. Being alerted to the intrusion by raised voices outside my room, I climbed out of my window, but (foolishly, in retrospect) circled around the building in an attempt to kill my assailant through that same kitchen window. Alas, his aim was better than mine, and now, I am dead. [In the proper, not floating around NERF-gunning people ghostly way. DH.]


Ghost reports:

Ghost had got into the college without trouble, but now things had become more difficult. The accommodation building was completely locked, and nobody was exiting or entering. He would have to think of something else. It was then that he noticed the kitchen window was ever so slightly open. He went over to it, reached underneath the gap, and pushed the window up. As he climbed in, he locked eyes with a bystander in the hall, who upon seeing him, sprinted away. A reaction like that could only mean that he knew he was being hunted ['Haunted' surely? DH.], and must be his target. Ghost tried to follow him, but the man had taken refuge inside his room. He checked the door, and indeed the door had the name of his target stuck onto it. He looked around, and saw two bystanders. Acting casual, he struck up a conversation, but it was immediately obvious that they knew what he was here for. He needed to come up with a plan. He went back to the kitchen, wondering whether he should abandon his mission or wait for him to come out. Then the two civilians came to join him in the kitchen, appearing to want to keep me distracted. As they did, the door to room number six opened, and the man from before came out. He tried to open the door to the kitchen but the man held it shut shouting "I'm not Rory! He just switched the names on the door. I won't kill you." It was true, Ghost realised, he wasn't, and yet his behaviour had not been normal. This man was also an assassin.
"I'll help you kill him," said the man, looking at him seriously. Ghost stepped away from the door to let the man through, keeping his pistol concealed so as not to cause alarm. Perhaps he could work this to his favour. "Where is he?"
"He's rowing," said his neighbour. "But he'll be back."
Ghost was unsure. He had no reason to trust any of these three, and the appearance of their phones made the situation stink of a trap. But what choice did he have? He needed to complete his mission. So he played along, talking, all the while remaining wary.
Suddenly a face appeared at the window he had climbed through, and a gun appeared. Without thinking Ghost dived to the ground, pulling out his pistol as the bullet passed through the space where his head had just been. He ran to the window, desperate not to let his target escape. He reached the window, and saw his target hurriedly trying to reload as quickly as he could. Not quickly enough, thought Ghost, firing the pistol point-blank into his chest, killing him instantly.
The civilians in the room were shocked by the sudden turn of events. He retrieved his ammunition, and began to reload his gun when another shot came from the second assassin, whistling past him. Ghost shoved his pistol out of sight and held his hands up.
"I'm unarmed, just put away your weapon and I'll leave."
He could see the man was wary, but he put his weapon away, keeping his eyes on him the whole time. Ghost, adrenaline pumping from the action, exited quickly, making sure he wasn't being followed. He would have to be wary of that one, he was far too trigger-happy. Once he had dealt with his other targets, perhaps he could make a return visit.

UMPIRE: It appears that door signs in this block have been tampered with. This is explicitly disallowed in the rules as colleges get very irritable about this sort of thing. If this incident had turned out the other way around I may have had to annull it as a result.

[18:50 PM] Griph has the nerve to gun down their assassin Robin Borchert the BigBadNeuroSwagg
BigBadNeuroSwagg reports:

I tried to kill Griph at [REDACTED] but informants told them I was there and they came out into the hallway and killed me.

Griph reports:

Directed away from my room by a friend, who then informed me of his presence, he took his time in finally realising where I was. He knocked. I waited, listening, revolver (elastic band gun) primed. When I heard him turn away I knew I wouldn't have a better opportunity. One, two, three shots into his chest and stomach. Clean. I darted back into my room as his accomplice scampered away, leaving poor Robin to bleed out on he floor.

[18:51 PM] End My Soup? goes all Sweeny Todd on Rory Barber (Edward Scissorhands) with help from Pink Moon
End My Soup? reports:

The trip to [REDACTED] isn't a long one, but still not one you would want to take on your own. Fortunately, I had my trusted friend Pink Moon with me to keep me company.

Arriving at the [REDACTED] porter's lodge, my hesitation nearly gave away that we weren't from there. But fortunately, the porter on duty smiled and let us in. Little did they know that we were there to assassinate one of their members.

After overshooting the building we were attempting to enter, we inconspicuously doubled back and entered the building. After navigating a maze of corridors and stairs (which were helpfully labelled), we finally found the room we were looking for.

The fact that there were no name tags above the doors threw me initially, but my helpful and trusted ally gave me the confidence, and knocked.

Expecting there to be either no answer or a shout asking who it was, I was initially caught off guard when the door opened. Fortunately, Rory was slower to react so when my first throwing star missed, it didn't matter that much. My second one hit home, and we left him dead at the entrance to his room.

The way out was much easier then the way in, and we smiled to the porter as we left the college.

[20:00 PM] The invisibalkitty gets the jump on Clarine Julienne (lilipoutou) and her chauffeur Romaric Masson (The Crew's Driver)
invisibalkitty reports:

At about 8pm today I got a knock on the door by a friend. He told me that some friends have come to visit me and are waiting downstairs. I listened for a minute and heard two people speaking french. "I don't have french friends" I thought and put a chain on the door while preparing my gun.
Soon after, a knock on the door.
I got offered free cheesecake from the cheesecake society.
"How obvious can you get" I thought and made a shot at the visitor. He claimed that he really did come to give out cheesecake and I suspiciously opened the door wider.
In a moment his friend jumped out and tried to shoot me with a Nerf gun, but we will never know if lilipoutou missed or not, because before we could realise that her gun was not loaded, I made a round of shots at her chest and lilipoutou was no more.

Conclusion: the cheese was nice (omnomnom :3)


The Crew's Driver reports:

It was a dark night in a dark alley.
Suddenly, two voices were heard, just below her window. Had she known, she could have watered them with her pistol which was ever readily laid by her desk overlooking the street. But they got lucky (or did they?): one of her mates was going home, and so the two strangers claimed they had something for Kamile to get into the building thanks to his help. He offered to call her but when she heard two foreign voices in the hall downstairs, she instantly knew it was not her friends. [#UKIP. DH.]
After a while, the French assassin went up with her accomplice (it was not me, please! Tut, tut, tut. DH.]) and, half-expecting to be shot as soon as the door would open, he knocked at invisibalkitty's door pretending he had come to offer her some (fairy?) cheesecake. He died for that. What an ungrateful world...
And what an act of sabotage that accomplice had unwittingly committed! as the weapon he had offered the assassin for efficiency's sake, pressed by time as they were, had not been properly loaded...

invisibalkitty opened the door, shot the French fake patissier and was instantly shot with a useless blow of air by the assassin who sneaked round the door frame, hidden as she was against the wall. In fateful retaliation, invisibalkitty, well-prepared, massacred Clarine with elastic bands. Verdict: 2 dead. Defense outbests offense. (who would ever believe that a stranger would really knock at your bedroom's door just to offer you cheesecake, without it being any kind of lure?)

I played the bait, I was hooked. Because of me, the assassin Clarine could have completed her mission by killing her target invisibalkitty, had I not forgotten to put a bullet in my nerf gun. But all is well that ends well, as she is not wanted for having me killed. Better killed than wanted, no? Yours surreptitiously, The Crew's Driver

Dr Horrible does not appreciate members of the Bad Horse Chorus getting caught helping out live players. Doing so is fine. It's the getting caught that is the problem. As a lesson to this effect, the new Crew's Driver is going to be demoted to making the tea for quite some time...

lilipoutou reports:

I was hunting with a potato-syringe gun and a large piece of smelly cheese. We managed to enter sneakily the shared house on Fitzwilliam road and wait for one of invisibalkitty's roommates to call them. We heard whispers but no one came. invisibalkitty had probably discovered our secret goal! We decided to climb upstairs. I started charging my weapon. However, under stress pressure, I commited the terrible mistake of putting potato in before letting the air in. My potato-syringe gun was therefore ineffective. My ally proposed to lend me his gun. I wasn't used to this type of gun and asked him if it was already loaded. He answered in the affermative. We went to invisibalkitty's room and knocked at their door. My ally explained that he was delivering cheese for free from "The Cheese Cake Society". I was hiding against the wall. invisibalkitty opened slightly the door while targeting my ally with their gun. They asked "are you an assassin by any chance?" "No" said my ally, "I'm here to provide you free cheese". When they saw that my ally had no weapon on him, they started opening more the door. As soon as it became widely open, I took a step and shot at them. In reply they managed to shoot at me and at my ally. When the battle stopped we discussed the event. invisibalkitty argued that I hadn't hit them and that they shot both of us. I did shoot first but I came to realize that the gun wasn't loaded. What I saw as a red "bullet" touching invisibalkitty's chest was actually the laser of the gun. So I and my ally were both dead!

Monday, 27 October

[11:05 AM] Karan Gupta (Pent Breath) and Madeleine Steer (Meatier Needles) prove a bad combination, simultaneously killing each other with knives
Meatier Needles reports:

Considering that my target was both in my year and doing the same course as me, picking him out of the mass of faces in the lecture hall was relatively easy, and killing him *should* have been even easier. The first attempt didn't go to plan - a stab in the arm only paralysed him, and didn't actually do the job - something which I only discovered afterwards, meaning that the game was still on with the added bonus that he was now out to get me too, and spent at least 2 hours a day in the same building as me... The second attempt was again unsuccessful - both of us knifing each other simultaneously meant that neither could claim a win, and so we both agreed to resume our fight on Monday, where, *finally* I managed to sneak up and knife him properly outside our lecture hall.

UMPIRE: Unfortunately for these two (well Madeleine mostly) double-kills (where both players simultaneously kill each other) are a valid outcome in the assassins game, so both players are, I'm afraid, dead from the second incident.

[13:05 PM] End My Soup? puts Ben Weber (The Overly Ambitious Assassin) in his place at, and I quote, '13:05 this morning'...
End My Soup? reports:

I heard from an unreliable source that one of the mathmos from Cats [It was an excellent performance for a student musical as I recall... DH.] was after me, and that it might be Ben. However, given the unreliability of this source, I decided just to carry out extra caution when being around him.

I started seeing him acting oddly recently. Sitting away from his usual friends and closer to me. I brushed it off as a coincidence.

It was when I was followed back from lectures, and fortunately took a different route from normal that I ended up behind him, I took extra caution and entered through a different entrance to college than the one he ended up taking.

At that point I was certain, so this morning after lectures, I left quickly and waited outside the lecture theatre. Sure enough, he emerged and my trusty throwing star (missing on the first attempt again) hit him in the back as he was running away.

Turns out my unreliable source was more reliable then expected.

The Overly Ambitious Assassin reports:

Over the course of the preceding week I tracked one of my assigned targets, End My Soup?, after a spy informed me of his presence. I wasn't sure of his trustworthiness, so spent much time tracking my target to be safe. It turns out it was overambitious to do so, since the spy had also informed End My Soup? of my identity, and although he was at first uncertain, my unsubtle stalking made him certain. As I left my lecture on killing with big blunt round objects, he was waiting outside to kill me with small sharp round objects. I made a desperate attempt to flee, but alas it was in vain as a sharp round item became lodged in my spine.

[18:20 PM] Evil Chicken's poultry efforts scrape an extension to their competence deadline
Evil Chicken reports:

I have made a second attempt, thus staving off dozens of people turning up on my doorstep for another week or so.
I went to the address I was given and found that 4 people had congregated in the basement flat, with an open window, presenting the perfect shot if my target appeared. Alas, none of them looked like my target (who's photo was generously provided by themselves). One was kind-of-similar-looking, but I didn't fancy blowing the head off some civilian. I was now stuck, since if my target was one of the 4, I'd almost certainly been killed had I rung his doorbell (not a good plan at the best of times). After loitering inconspicuously for 20 minutes, I saw a figure emerge in hooded jumper. On following him I found him to be the wrong person, and refrained from killing him.
Evil Chicken

[19:46 PM] The Rooster kills two birds with one stone as Em Travis (Alice Cooper) and Meg Honigmann (Scarlett shadow) are clawed to death
The Rooster reports:

I escaped my barn to saunter about some of the other colleges, and spread my wings a bit. A cunning friend of mine (known only as the John's Ninja) promised to sneak me into Buttery. I didn't have a clucking clue what a Buttery was. The atmosphere was great, and the food didn't taste like the bottom of my cage! But the kill was sweeter. I spotted the Scarlet Shadow loitering in the queue, and with my claws I shredded her like only a rooster can.

But I wasn't done yet. My keen "rooster-sense" (ok I really am stretching this metaphor now) alerted me to another's presence. I let myself into the Cripps Building with the Ninja's help, and found Em Travis' room with a show. Fool. I waddled through the Rooster sized gap, and exacted my punishment for such sloppy play. I strutted out of the college, taking care to admire my work on the way out.

[20:57 PM] 1337PKer efficiently deletes Molly O'Connor (Fruncies)
1337PKer reports:

The location of 1337PKer's base of operations is known to very few. How the information became available to a would-be assassin is not known at this time.

What is known is that this breach of security is very bad news for those people responsible for the security of the base of operations. Needless to say, 1337PKer has effected a 'change of staff'.

The breach occurred at 20:57. An unknown female approached the entrance, identifying herself as 'Molly'. The surveillance system established that the intruder was concealing an item behind her back.

1337PKer did not ask questions. Questions take time. Time is precious.

1337PKer removed the threat with a pistol round to the torso at point blank. The assassin barely had time to draw their knife before they expired.

That is all.

Fruncies reports:

Shot with a nerf gun in an attempt to stab 1337PKer in Pembroke; should have brought my stage sword...

[21:28 PM] Someone answering to Description tries to visit Enrique Parmesan but edam well came at the wrong time - how that must grate (sorry)
Enrique Parmesan reports:

This evening, I came back into my room and found within it a note, from a would be assassin, who luckily for me came at the wrong time. [Points for effort though - the chap stiltoned up after all. Sorry. I promise I'll stop this soon. Maybe. DH.]

[22:10 PM] Griph and Gryph go looking for targets but are unable to triangulate their locations...

[23:30 PM] King Mickey's special operations unit composed of Bullet tooth tony, Tim the Enchanter, Admiral Ackbar, The fluffy hamster and Ben Morley raid [REDACTED], with Admiral Ackbar killing Alyosha Latyntsev (John Von Neurfmann), The fluffy hamster killing Georgios Topaloglou (L'assassino) and Bullet tooth tony killing Alistair O'Neill (The Purple Shirted Eye Stabber), but Ben Morley (Ben Morley) is ambushed and slain by Hodor; Loki was just passing...
King Mickey reports:

Operation For The Glory Of The [REDACTED]:

Agent: King Mickey

Begin Report:

[REDACTED] dark and stormy [REDACTED]. I commanded [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. Crew [REDACTED] were chosen, and an agent lured to join us from the inside. We assembled in [REDACTED] and proceeded to carry out our mission of murder.[REDACTED] without the necessity of a horseback charge. [REDACTED], true mob film style, [REDACTED] to fit inside. Upon [REDACTED], [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] a velociraptor, [REDACTED]; [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] knocks first - [REDACTED]. Ben Morley [REDACTED] shot the dead man. One man dead. Offers of assistance were [REDACTED] actually following the rules. [REDACTED] equally premature [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. Here the plan began to deviate from the plan, [REDACTED] Bad Horse [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] promptly threw a pencil knife into Ben Morley and ducked back for cover. At this point a tactical retreat occurred. Our [REDACTED], so after [REDACTED], we trekked out to our hopefully third successful assassination of the night. [REDACTED]. O'Neill lived in a highly defensible tower, which was summarily surrounded and assaulted [WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN]. [REDACTED] took point. After Loki [REDACTED], Tim the Enchanter doing their best to scare the roommate, [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. Upon leaving I disbanded the group.

Bullet tooth tony reports:

Operation Kill Steal:

Agent: Bullet Tooth Tony

Begin Report:


Tim the Enchanter reports:

Operation Brave Brave Sir Robin:

Agent: Tim the Enchanter

Begin Report:


Admiral Ackbar reports:

Operation Target-List Clean-Up:

Agent: Admiral Ackbar

Begin Report:

It was a dark and stormy night. [IT'S A TRAP!]. Two were my targets so I tagged along. [IT'S A TRAP!] job was to let us in, but [IT'S A TRAP!]. We proceeded to take the lift up, [IT'S A TRAP!]. Upon reaching the third floor of [IT'S A TRAP!], positions were assumed. I took my target's door and waited, [IT'S A TRAP!] no idea how [IT'S A TRAP!][IT'S A TRAP!]. I knocked and promptly shot Alyosha Latyntsev point blank. [IT'S A TRAP!] wouldn't let the dead man join in. [IT'S A TRAP!] resulting in another dead. [IT'S A TRAP!]. The Fluffy Hamster and I scarpered, later caught up by the others. Another of my targets was Alistair O'Neill, so [IT'S A TRAP!][IT'S A TRAP!][IT'S A TRAP!] took position on the stairs while Tim the Enchanter went first. After [IT'S A TRAP!] kill-stole from a corner. [IT'S A TRAP!].

Ben Morley reports:

Operation Imminent Mortality:

Agent: Ben Morley

Begin Report:

It was a dark and stormy night. [REDACTED] for [REDACTED] Army had decreed that [COLLEGE REDACTED] people must die. [REDACTED]. Crew of [REDACTED] were chosen, and [REDACTED] to [REDACTED]. We [REDACTED] in [REDACTED][REDACTED] our mission of murd[USELESSLY REDACTED]. [REDACTED] easily circumvented, [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. Upon reaching the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED], positions were assumed. [REDACTED], still not sure how that got there; [REDACTED] along the corridor. [REDACTED] knocks first - the door was opened and [REDACTED] emerged, [REDACTED]. I assisted in verifying his death. One man [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. [REDACTED]. Bullet Tooth Tony knocks for the third victim. Here [REDACTED], no doubt a ploy by Bad Horse to even the numbers slightly. I was set upon by deceptive bandits from across the way, who despite my brilliant maneuvering successfully killed me with no less than the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch itself [BLATANT LIES]. [REDACTED]. A valiant funeral was held in my honour, replete with burning fire ships and vast sums of gold. [Thanks I'll be transmatter-ray-ing those. DH.]

The fluffy hamster reports:

Operation [REDACTED]

Agent: The fluffy [REDACTED]

Begin Report:

It was [REDACTED]. High command for [REDACTED][REDACTED] had [REDACTED]. Specifically a few of them. [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] job was to let us in, but [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] too fat to [REDACTED]. Upon [REDACTED], positions were assumed. Myself and two others on point each watching [REDACTED], still not sure how that got there; the others taking [REDACTED] along the corridor. Admiral Ackbar knocks first - [REDACTED]. Ben Morley, as easily excited as ever, fired off early and shot the corpse shortly afterwards. [REDACTED]. Offers of assistance were politely declined due to dead players rules. I knocked for the second victim of the night, Georgios Topaloglou, with equally effective results and equally premature [REDACTED] from Morley. [REDACTED]. At this point a tactical retreat occurred. [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] aided our entry. O'Neill lived in a highly defensible tower, which was [REDACTED/CENSORED]. Tim the Enchanter and Admiral Ackbar took point. After [REDACTED] succesfully tricked [REDACTED] into the room, Tim the Enchanter having failed to panic kill [REDACTED], the victim was found to be holed up in his room, ready to defend. [REDACTED] allowed Bullet Tooth Tony to get [REDACTED], by a stealthy dart from the shadows. Upon exiting the compound the group parted ways.

John Von Neurfmann reports:

I, Alyosha Latyntsev, John Von Neurfmann, was killed yesterday by a nerf gun and an unknown assailant.

Loki reports:

I was at first reluctant to help [REDACTED] with [REDACTED], but after [REDACTED] seduced me [REDACTED][REDACTED][CENSORED][REDACTED], and also pointed out that I often love mischievous carnage and [REDACTED][REDACTED] agreed to help. I was sworn to be a non-combatant, unless [REDACTED] or I felt it would be funny. I [REDACTED] into [REDACTED] and aided their infiltration. At my suggestion (the thinner of) we took the lift, mainly for the amusement of them actually trading guns and discussing plans in an elevator like a bad action film. Termination by the team of the first two targets was flawless, Ben Morley's predeliction for shooting corpses both times aside. Less successful for the third but I thrive on chaos so I can't complain. We then carried on to [REDACTED] where I was able to gain entry using [REDACTED WE DON'T TALK ABOUT SKYNET REDACTED]. Using my eternal charm I was able to open the doors to allow [REDACTED] to enter, though I was temporarily held hostage while [BRAVE SIR ROBIN RAN AWAY]. Eventually the matter was resolved and I bid my newfound friends thank you for a most enjoyable evening before leaving them to their own devices.


Hodor reports:

At about 23:45, Monday evening, I was just settling in for a long night of studying to improve my limited (yet satisfying) vocabulary when a horde of water-pistol-toting assassins (and a member of the police [Lies. Loki working for someone else behind my back? I don't believe that for a second... DH.]) materialised in the corridor to assassinate my corridor mate, and fellow assassin. I initially panicked, thinking they were after me, but turns out my friend is a popular guy (who knew?): they were all there for him. Unfortunately, he was very tired and was very much asleep. I decided to welcome them. I snatched a pencil-knife and opened the door with my best bleary sleepy face and eyebrow raised in the universal signal for what-the-heck-are-you-doing-in-my-corridor-at-midnight? One of Bran's would-be assassins politely and enthusiastically explained, waving his water-pistol in the air over his head. With a great cry of HODOOOOOR I launched my pencil-knife at him, hitting him squarely on the chest. I leapt back behind my door, and the horde, terrified of an assassin that they couldn't kill unless they could see I was bearing a weapon, ran away.

[People are even doing their own redactions now! I could get used to this. I'd much rather be [REDACTED] DH.]

Tuesday, 28 October

[10:05 AM] Start the clock - The Foretold is here - and soon after Christopher Weekes lies dead in a (crazy random happenstance)
The Foretold reports:

Another assassin entered the void today. Chris Weekes was leaving his lecture theatre this morning when he saw me, and 66 seconds later (as is tradition) he met his demise. I was aware that I was one of his targets, as he had asked my housemate (who wishes to be referred to as [REDACTED]) for assistance in plotting my murder. Sadly for him, [REDACTED] knows where her allegiances lie and made sure to escort Chris to me after their lecture so that I was able to take his life. I have [REDACTED] to thank for my success!

crazy random happenstance reports:

An arranged meeting was going well, my potential accomplice seemed positively ecstatic about the prospect of helping her friend kick the bucket. I wasn't expecting such enthusiasm, and that should have warned me further about the possibility of treachery. Instead, relaxing my hands from my gun and my knife concealed within my pockets, I went to unlock my bike, instinctively. Then I felt a sharp pain in my side and it was all over...

[16:45 PM] Quokka proves Greg Harker (Artful Dodger) is poorly named...
Quokka reports:

I went and stood outside his door,
Then did what I do best:
When he appeared upon his floor,
I shot him in the chest.

With deep regret at my pretence,
I sacrificed his soul
To the cruel Gods of Competence,
So that I can remain whole.

Artful Dodger reports:

Over before it could begin, was assassinated while my family was visiting. A bold gunshot in my corridor, and I was finished.

[16:46 PM] King Mickey leads another charge with The fluffy hamster and Tim the Enchanter who slays Isaac Lawton (Trodat) and Rachel Wilson (Someone Maternal)
King Mickey reports:

A joyous day! Partly for the furthering of my kingdom, and partly for the freedom of being able to write a full report with worrying about mentioning [REDACTED]. Tim the Enchanter, the Fluffy Hamster and I all had business in the northern lands, and so began to place our spies. Upon gaining the aid of a local to the foreign lands (chocolate shall be forthcoming as reward!) in navigating the more locked of the doors, we first set upon a mutual target of mine and Tim the Enchanter's. A simple knock from Tim, some traded blows, and bravo! Rachel Wilson falls to a well aimed shot.

Our next target was not far, and again our accomplice enabled our entry. A knock from Fluffy, some traded darts, a quick escape from the Hamster in order to reload! But necessary it was not, for Tim once again struck Isaac Lawton down, as he foolishly attempted to reload in the plain sight of the corridor. And so with gladness at our success we rode back to our own kingdom. Huzzah!

Tim the Enchanter reports:

To continue the death toll from the previous night King Mickey, myself and The Fluffy Hamster decided to attempt two kills both in [REDACTED]. We were assisted by a very helpful civilian accomplice letting us into two separate buildings and persuading one to open their door. My target was first to die after a brief exchange of gun fire around a half open door from myself and frienzied air stabbing from my target around the door. Around the fifth shot my target lay dead and we proceeded to the target of The Fluffy Hamster. The Fluffy Hamster knocks, the door opens and they each exchange a bullet, both missing, The Fluffy Hamster proceeds to flee out of the building at which point his target appears in the corridor reloading his nerf gun. I took the opportunity to shoot him twice while he was reloading and our second victim lay dead.

The fluffy hamster reports:

Myself, Tim the enchanter and King Mickey were enjoying a nice stroll to [REDACTED], when who did we find but our targets. With a help of an accomplice, Rachel Wilson kindly opened her door and was immediately shot by Tim the Enchanter. Next I knocked on Isaac Lawton's door; upon opening shots were exchanged but no-one was harmed. As I was attempting to flee, Isaac kindly followed me out, only to be finished off by Tim the enchanter.

Someone Maternal reports:

I'd just settled down with a cup of tea, when I heard a loud knock on a door and a familiar voice claiming to need me to come outside. I immediately sensed something was wrong. I grabbed my knife, and edged outside. As I�¢??d thought, a flurry of Nerf bullets awaited me. Despite my vague slashing at the assassins at my doorstep, a bullet slid between my ribs and I knew then that my time was up.

Wednesday, 29 October

[13:20 PM] The Duchess kills off Joseph Paul Bradbury Swartzentruber (Guarneri) in terribly common fashion
Duchess reports:

A busy caff. No one was to notice the knife until it was too late and Joe Swartzentruber was lying in a pool of blood...

[13:30 PM] Enrique Parmesan is cheesed off to find himself Wanted! after an incident of mistaken identity
Enrique Parmesan reports:

Today at 13:30, I made a terrible mistake. I heard a knocking at my door and went to answere it. I saw nobody through the peephole and immediately assumed it was my assassin back for another attempt. Deterrmined not to let him/her get me, I grabbed my rubber band gun, opened the door and immediately opened fire. In a tragic incident, it was not indeed an assassin, but rather my non-playing friend offering me a doughnut...

[Bad Horse Chorus, don your hats, get your frothy beers at the ready and saddle up! Time to do a little hunting... DH.]

[16:15 PM] Bad Luck isn't having the best luck today
Bad Luck reports:

Bad luck almost slays a student as a person unknown had accidently made it so that across a small time period anyone entering or exiting a certain room would be peppered with bullets. The room's normal occupant was away and failed to fall to such a misfortune.

[16:43 PM] Priorities heidigger, priorities...
heidigger reports:

Today I spent an hour looking for my target in a lecture theatre, with the intention to follow him thereafter and kill them. However, the lecture was quite interesting, and I lost focus on work: I could not find him.

Looking forward to reporting a murder,

[17:30 PM] Altaria forces Heather Britton (The Foretold) to stand-down permanently
Altaria reports:

I returned from an attempt to navigate the dark maze which is [REDACTED] College dejected, and decided to go to the famous [REDACTED] to drown my sorrows with my travelling companion. Long before I could reach the serving area, I was struck by fortune, as one of my targets had just got to the bar from Formal. I reached for my trusty attack dog.

Wild TARGET Appeared!

Go, Lillipup!

TARGET is watching carefully!

-->Fight PKMN Items Run

Growl -->Headbutt Sand Attack Tackle

Lillipup used Headbutt!

A critical hit!

TARGET fainted!

Apologies were then made to my fellow assassin and I fled the scene after picking up my trusty dog, alas, I never did get that drink.

The Foretold reports:

After a pleasant formal meal with my peers we headed to the bar in order to enjoy the rest of the evening. When I saw Altaria enter I was wary - rumour had it that I was their target, although at dinner I had been assured by an associate that this was not the case. However as I backed away and explained to a friend why I was doing so, an attack animal viciously mauled my face. If only I had been quicker in making my escape...

Thursday, 30 October

[13:55 PM] DrKrieger's up to some evil scheming as emminet scientist Souradip Mookerjee (Lemongrab) is murdered near his lab
DrKrieger reports:

I walked up to Souradip and shot him with a nerf-gun outside his lab at 13:55, 30/10/2014.
Dr Krieger

[15:20 PM] Bad Luck strikes for Leo Popplewell the Goliath birdeater tarantula
Bad Luck reports:

Sadly Leo Popplewell was found dead this afternoon as a neighbour, who had been concerned as to his welfare, knocked on his door. While he opened it,seemingly in fine health, when it was closed he'd been shot 3 times in the chest. It seems to have been a tragic accident, some misfortune or Bad Luck. Police are currently not regarding the death as suspicious.

Goliath birdeater tarantula reports:

I'm afraid to say I've just been brutally murdered, shot thrice in the chest with an elastic band.
[I'm assuming with several in fact. If not, very impressive indeed Bad Luck... DH.]

[17:00 PM] DaVinci still can't get this assassination lark to fly...
DaVinci reports:

Having visited one of my targets too many times only to find them absent, I decided to investigate one of my other targets. Having not fully formulated a plan, I got my accomplice to knock on her door and then run away in an attempt to bait her out. However, this (understandably) had the opposite of the desired effect. In a truly incompetent fashion, I hid directly outside my target's (open) window. Before I could notice this fact and take advantage of it, my target came to a similar realization and promptly closed the window. Having completely blown my chances of an assassination this evening, I commanded a tactical retreat.
Another partial success.

[21:13 PM] Michael Truby (The Tainted Naegor) is forced to withdraw his application to the ELE on medical grounds

Michael Truby resigns owing to illness. We wish him a speedy recovery from the effects of whatever sinister mad-science experiments he's been doing.

Friday, 31 October

[11:06 AM] Mission failure for SCP001
SCP001 reports:

I attempted to enter target's room. This involved passing through a security door, locked to all but [REDACTED] students. I phoned my man inside, who was willing to smuggle me in. He was hungover and asleep. Access could not be gained.

Status: failure.

[11:40 AM] Arrrrrr! Long John Silver runs Nikolaos Kateris (Tachytis) through with a dagger
Long John Silver reports:

Today in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to avoid incompetence I made my way to the department of one of my targets (the only one whose subject I'd been able to deduce).

The lecture timetable was alien and confusing to me, and as I waited around what I hoped was the correct lecture theatre and watched the students stream out in droves, my heart sank - there was no way I'd be able to spot him in this crowd.

But soft! What light through yonder doorway breaks! I spotted someone who looked like he might be my target, and the conversation he was having with a friend confirmed that, indeed, he was. I hastily stabbed him and introduced myself.

[12:00 PM] Christopher Bennett (Divine Shadow) fails to learn lessons from watching Jurassic Park and is slaughtered by a Bantersaurous Rex
Bantersaurous Rex reports:

Arriving at [REDACTED] at noon, the building seemed to be empty. The target's corridor required a card to enter so I took the liberty of exploring the building until I found someone. I eventually bumped into a 2nd year who let me into the corridor and knocked on Christopher's door. For about 10 seconds after I stabbed him, he seemed to be unaware of what was going on but he soon came round to the fact that he had been killed. I was ecstatic. I made small talk with the target and immediately felt bad after finding out that he's actually a really nice guy. Whereas he congratulated me, I'm sure if someone had killed me I would be [REDACTED]. I then enjoyed a cornetto by the Cam satisfied by the day's kill.

For future reference Divine Shadow, this might help... DH.

On a slightly more serious note, I know people invest a lot in this game, but it is just a game; try not to take dying too badly!

[13:00 PM] Rory Bolsover (Gunpowder Green) is savaged to death by The fluffy hamster
The fluffy hamster reports:

I ambushed Rory Bolsover as he left lectures, planting a swift knife in his back before he could draw his gun.

Gunpowder Green reports:

I regret that I must report my death today.
Exiting the lecture hall at 13:00, I suspected that I saw some people looking at me. Perhaps I was just imagining it, I thought. They were friends of friends, but also known assassins, crucially, so I felt a niggling paranoia that compelled me to reach into my pocket and grab hold of my concealed pistol, just in case. They seemed to be keeping their distance, so I tried to move towards my bike before turning around to assess the situation further, but this proved to be my downfall. The group whom I had spotted seemed to be mere spectators (and, it seems, a rather good distraction), for my assailant was unknown to me, and he had already started making his way through the crowd. I heard my name called, but I did not think quickly enough.
As I turned, the knife caught me cleanly under the shoulder blade and slipped through to my heart. My right hand continued to clutch my firearm uselessly as my soul was set free. I only wish that my last words could have been more profound than "you bastard..."

[13:45 PM] SCP001 really needs to change recruiting policies...
SCP001 reports:

At 1pm I contacted my man on the inside of [REDACTED] again, then went to the shops and stuff.

At 1:45, he contacted me, and said we could meet up and he'd let me into [REDACTED] to kill [REDACTED]. I set off to meet him. He wasted a load of time showing off his college, then we set off towards [REDACTED]. We approached Staircase [REDACTED], and used his ID to attempt to open the door. This failed, as [REDACTED] seem to think their students are in constant danger of someone entering their room and trying to kill them.

After several minutes, someone left Staircase [REDACTED], and we entered while the door was closing, like Indiana Jones, but with far more having the door held open for us. [Dum de dum dum, dum de daaa! Dum de dum dum, dum de dum de dum! Sorry I'll stop now. DH.]
We looked at the membership sign, and confirmed [REDACTED] resided in room [REDACTED]. We ascended to the 2nd floor, and knocked on the door to room [REDACTED]. There was no answer. It was so quiet you could have heard a hypothetical pin drop, or a non hypothetical neighbour of [REDACTED] breathing.

"[REDACTED], we're here to assassinate you!" Shouted my man on the inside, because he's pretty thick.

The neighbour came outside to see what all the fuss was about.

"Were you just knocking on *my* door?" She asked.

My man on the inside then revealed every intimate detail of my plan, as he was thinking with his penis, and so thought this would be a good idea.

The neighbour then claimed the occupant of room [REDACTED] was called Emily, and she was out. She was obviously in league with [REDACTED], and my man on the inside had foolishly told her everything.

Status: Failure.

[18:25 PM] The rogue Enrique Parmesan is out of control, killing unarmed Bad Horse Chorus member Samuel Mackey (Fred) as a pre-emptive action!
Enrique Parmesan reports:

Today, at twenty past six, knowing that Sam Mackey would try to kill me at the bop, I preemptively killed him, safe in the knowledge that he wouldn't be resurrected until tomorrow, and so I could enjoy the Ent in peace. He was unarmed. [Enrique Parmesan becomes more wanted for an illicit kill against Guild-police. This act will not go unanswered... DH.]

Fred reports:

Having been effectively killed three times so far, I have to say this was perhaps the weirdest of them. Returning from shopping, I passed through [REDACTED] where I encountered Mr Parmesan bearing two weapons. Given that I had two bags in my hands and no weapon, I was willing enough to accept his proposal that I would not kill him at our college Bop tonight. Hands were shaken on this matter. Shortly afterwards, he decided that he did not trust me to do so and promptly gutted me - again. Until next time Enrique, I shall get you soon enough...

[22:40 PM] Justice (and supper) is served as Henry McIntyre Dickie (Enrique Parmesan) is sliced up by SentientWaffle
Enrique Parmesan reports:

In the bar (but not at it so it is still in bounds) SentientWaffle cut my throat with a shuriken. They had previously promised not to. There is no honour among assassins. [Says the guy who made an agreement with an unarmed member of the police and then killed him anyway...]

SentientWaffle reports:

Earlier in the [REDACTED] bar I cut Henry Dickie's throat with my ninja star, I had previously promised not to but was persuaded over a pint to complete this kill [Hello Angelus... DH.], not just for revenge purposes but also to get my competence up for this weekend.

Saturday, 1 November

[23:59 PM] Absolutely nothing happened today. The calm before the storm?

[* Distant sound of a bugle as the Bad Horse Chorus begins its charge *]

Sunday, 2 November

[09:57 AM] James Meiklejohn (Klarrisa Spievack) fears the evaluation of the Bad Horse Chorus and quickly withdraws his application

[10:40 AM] It's a brand new day, and the first Incompetence List is posted!

[11:00 AM] Quokka cries havoc and lets slip the dogs of war on Ben Catterall (Wolf)
Quokka reports:

I'm no great shakes at creative writing, so I sent an email to my good friend Shakespeare and he had a stab (not literally):



[enter Quokka]

Quokka [to audience]:

Well met, my friend: behold my cunning plan
In fair [REDACTED], where we lay our scene.
Behind this door, there lives another man -
A friend and ally he has truly been.
But now, as an Incompetent, he dies
And, though an ally, he'll give up his life.
He won't expect me here, as I surmise,
And he'll not see the glinting of my knife.

[Quokka knocks on the door]

Ben [inside]:

But, soft! what knock do I hear at my door?
What footsteps resonate upon my floor?
Speak - tell me - friend or foe - which one are you?


'Tis your assassin-comrade, good and true!
But, quickly, let me in: danger draws near!
Beware: the Incobash will soon be here!

Ben [opening door]:

Enter, friend, and tell me with all haste:
With which weapons is your person graced?


I have a gun, to fight with from afar;
And here's my knife, which your own skin will mar!

[stabs Ben]


O, treachery! O, dastardly deceit!
O, how can you an ally so mistreat?


Quokka [to audience]:

Fair is foul, and foul is fair: the same
Are these two creatures in Assassins' Game.


[ [Applause] DH.]

[11:04 AM] Angelus begins his spree in tame fashion eliminating Alice Li (Cherry Fire) with a *bang* kill
Angelus reports:

Two minutes after the list was published, I visited Ben Catterall who I happened to share a staircase with, only to discover he was already dead. Never one to be disheartened - I moved over to [REDACTED] staircase. This proved more straightforward as I marched into Alice Li's unlocked room, moved over to her, stuck my RBG in her face and said the magic words. One down. I then moved over to Rachael Gregory's room on the other side of college and knocked to no avail. I then waited outside her room for five minutes but I regret to say she was either out or too good to be snared by such an amateurish trap. I wish better luck to my colleagues in the Bad Horse Chorus...
Can I move up from tea boy now? [Go on. Welcome back to the land of the non-disgraced. DH.]

[11:40 AM] The not so terrible Dmitrij Szamozvancev (Ivan the Terrible) suffers a sudden but inevitable betrayal at the hands of Hoban's Stegosaurus
Hoban's Stegosaurus reports:

This morning over some brotherly pancakes, I casually enquired whether Dmitrij (the fourth member of Gri/y/ff/ph Mafia) would be attending the incobash today. To my surprise, he told me that he would not be attending because he was himself incompetent. Without further ado, much to the astonishment of Gryph, I informed Dmitrij that as an officer of the law I could not stand such complacency and, with a swift stab to the heart, he lay vanquished.

[For sheer audacity and loyalty to annoying Gryph, um, I mean to the Bad Horse Chorus, Hoban's Stegosaurus is promoted to Henchman. DH.]

Ivan the Terrible reports:

Today at 10:40 a.m. brutal but rightful justice was been carried out on me by police officer Rory "Hoban's Stegosaurus" Braggins and his trusty knife.

[12:49 PM] A bridge too far for Rachael Gregory (Bellatrix) who falls to erstwhile friend String bean Jean
String bean Jean reports:

It all started when, foolishly, R. Gregory told me she would be going inco this weekend. Sure enough, I checked the list and she was there. I waited for her outside buttery, with penguin and pistol concealed beneath my bulky black coat, but unfortunately she saw me lurking and put 2 and 2 together. **Commence epic chase scene**. I managed to close on the target in [REDACTED] and sprayed her back.

Bellatrix reports:

Alas, I, Bellatrix, am no more. Having reached an impasse on the bridge at [REDACTED], I assumed my foe was in possession of nought but a knife. Consequently, when I caught sight of them after brunch I did not shirk, for I too possessed a similar weapon. BUT, too late did I realise- he had a gun. Only when I saw the glint of the barrel did I move- yet I was not swift enough. Barging through the crowds, back across the bridge, I was too slow and in the midst of the Court I was shot in the back. A quick death- I will respect my opponent for that.

[13:00 PM] The Bash begins!

[13:00 PM] Dr Horrible, Lary Bambel, heidigger and the Evil Chicken sweep for incompetents for over 4 hours. Only one shot is fired in anger, and does not result in a kill...
Evil Chicken reports:

After 5 hours of trudging round the city, I've finished incobashing with the grand total of 0 kills. Of the 10 or so people who's doors we turned up at, only one actually came out, and I managed to fire a whole 1 shot at him, because of a large fire door blocking our access. After a short while, he went into his neighbour's room, who was also an assassin, but one we weren't allowed to kill. We attempted to wait him out, but when he rather loudly announced "I think they've gone" and stuck his head out, the fire door proved impossible to open fast enough to catch him in the open.
We also spoke to one of our targets through a locked door, who rather simply told us to go away and declined to come out for free biscuits.
We did, however manage to gain access to almost all the buildings our targets lived in, which was a feat often accomplished with great style and smoothness, so we weren't totally useless (I believe the umpire even went soft on us for a moment [Lies. DH.], and was heard in conversation with the police chief to say "they're a good team - but unlucky" (my legs feel unlucky after so much walking)).

I leant my cardboard cut-out knife (I think I wrote "unpleasant (and lethal) paper-cut creating implement" on it (it was something like that)) to someone from a different squad - I'd like it back please - could it make it's way to me via the Guild-police/Umpire please.

[13:30 PM] Enkvir kills Isar Bhattacharjee (Sanil Roy)

[13:36 PM] Buffy Summers and Simon Tam help Angelus take down Oona Farchy (gingerbreadman) and Robert Carroll (Teduardo) and Doc Holliday gun down Fergus Egan (goose)
Angelus reports:

Our team of Buffy, Simon Tan, Doc Holliday and I left The Eagle and moved to [REDACTED] to search for new incos Nicola Larter, Jonathan Utterson and Sahil Young. Buffy and I approached the house but our targets were either out or too smart to be fooled by 'this is CICCU, this room texted for a toastie.' Our partners had similar luck with their target in a different house.

Disappointed with this performance, we then moved on to [REDACTED] to make an attempt on Oona Farchy. After Buffy Summers successfully blagged her way through two locked doors, she let the rest of the team into the building wherupon she and I proceeded to the target's room. A hastily thought up excuse bought her to the door at which point I shot her down and consoled her with Jaffa cakes. Job well done.

The team then moved to [REDACTED] for another kill. This time access was considerably easier and after locating the correct room - Doc and Simon approached the door whilst Buffy and I covered. The sound of RBG fire a few seconds later heralded goose being brutally shot down by Doc Holliday.

Next up was [REDACTED] where we searched for Joseph Scott but alas he was out - meaning we moved to the accommodation of Teduardo where his housemate assured us he was playing football. We then moved to the college main site and saw the football match which had 40 minutes left to go - enabling us to chase Danny Hunt only to discover he was also away. Given we still had 30 minutes left before the match finished - we stopped for a quick game of pool in [REDACTED] common room in which I am proud to say Buffy Summers the super villain was narrowly defeated by the tea boy Angelus.

Having just finished the game we moved to the field and covered all exits. As the [REDACTED] players left, the team approached and I innocently asked after our target. His team mates pointed him out and realised their horrible error as I chased him down with an RBG - they shouted a warning but it was too late, he was already spilling his life blood into the ground, a fine days work I do believe...

[For sterling work, Angelus is promoted to Henchman]

[14:10 PM] Danielle Saunders (Captain Hammer) finds out what pain feels like at the hands of Ben Sillence (Nefarious Noddy) but is slain by a watchful police ally Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
Nefarious Noddy reports:

I had spent the afternoon on edge after being placed on the incompetence list, so when my door handle started rattling unannounced, I wasn't surprised. A peep through the peephole revealed my attacker, Captain Hammer of the ELE Board herself! [This game is worth it just for those 7 words in that order. DH.] After a few minutes of waiting, calculating and watching the Captain prowling around my corridor, I unlocked the door and prepared myself. She opened the door but her blindfire was unsuccessful, whereas mine struck true, felling her instantly. Alas, lying in wait were not one, nay two, but three fellow police ready to slaughter my deserving, incompetent behind. A previously unseen hand reacher around the door and a nerf dart to the throat ended my days in this game (although my corpse proceeded enjoyed a delicious, complementary jaffa cake).

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce reports:

After losing my life so quickly in a foggy haze of hangover, it is perhaps ironic that my first active day as a police officer was spent much the same. After allowing myself a large and greasy breakfast of bacon and self pity, I staggered in to the meeting place of The Chorus just in time to join a small party and head off to lower the population of the city. Our first call was highly successful. An unlocked room and distracted occupant allowed my ally to enter undetected and place a bullet squarely in the chest of our first victim. This first victim in hand we seemed invincible and headed out to continue our spree, though our next encounter was rather less smooth. The room was initially locked and an attempt to open it by Nikki Heat was fruitless. Spread out as we were along the length of the corridor at this point, we heard a number of repeated locking and unlocking noises from the door, over a period of several minutes. We were suitable confused but eventually the fearless Captain Hammer tried the handle again to find it now unlocked. The door was pushed open to reveal an angry man with a nerf gun and a bullet in the chest felled the mighty Hammerman. Eager to avenge my teammate, and hungry for my first taste of blood (if a little groggy [Don't worry, blood's a recognised hangover cure. DH.]) I swung round the corner and was able to place a round squarely in to the chap's throat. Not perfect, but not too bad all in all.

For a time we wandered without any further success, until me and the Captain (freshly exhumed) ['The Captain and I' Wesley. I would expect better from someone with Watcher training. DH.] entered the building where we believed we would find our final victim of the day. Unfortunately, a slight misunderstanding and error in identification left an innocent (and much confused) bystander with a bullet in his back and Captain Hammer very red faced. At this point we called it a day.

[The regenerated Captain Hammer is severely demoted for causing collateral damage. DH.]

[15:00 PM] Stanislav Fort (Gaius Plinius Secundus) will have to have vengeance in the next life as his current incarnation has just been cut down by Nikki Heat

[17:00 PM] Wesley Wyndam-Pryce slays Rowan Haslam (Totoro)
Totoro reports:

At about 5pm today, a member of the police, Richard Jones (who looks like the evil blond vampire from twilight [Ouch. DH.]) killed me with a highlighter pen-knife... sad times... He made use of my naivety by engaging in pleasant conversation before the brutal attack; recognising me as an assassin because of the throwing stars I was holding.

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce reports:

I was much pleased to learn upon returning to college that there were incompetents living under my roof that might allow me my first solo kill. I was even more delighted to see one of them coming down the stairs, albeit with another assassin by her side. They were both clearly armed (quite why they were carrying shuriken and guns around in the middle of halls I am not sure, it would seem less than prudent). We had a brief chat about the game (they were fairly obviously armed) and one of them identified me as police. I made no immediate move for fearing that any attempt on the life of one would incur the wrath of the other so bided my time until I could safely strike. Neither of them seemed at all on edge. When the opportunity did finally arrive I swiftly gutted the incompetent and turned my knife on the other, telling him very firmly what would happen if he moved. He did not move so I pocketed my knife and after a pleasant chat we parted ways. Honorable enough not to kill his own friend perhaps, but not so honorable to make any attempt to save or avenge her. These are dark days indeed...

[Continued excellence sees Wesley Wyndam-Pryce promoted to Henchman. DH.]

[18:00 PM] A man with Blue Hands kills Josh Degenhardt in his natural HABITat
Blue Hands reports:

After 2 weeks of pre-combat meditation, not procrastination, Blue Hands has finally tasted blood.

The first part of the day was a nightmare. A large number of individuals have scouted my halls, trying to lead me out of the safety of my room. Thankfully, one of my many underlings proved her worth by shielding me in her room and thus confusing my assassins (note: I will kill her among the last).

After three well armed assassins left the hallways, I donned a black cape [Bonus points for kills in a cape. DH.] that concealed my gun and made my way to [REDACTED] College. The porters and the other mere mortals [Not wholly convinced porters are mortal... DH.] suspected nothing. Hiding in the shadows and carefully listening in on conversations of civilians I found out Josh Degenhardt's location and plans. I quickly left the building unseen and slipped in the dark shadows outside his building, thus sealing his fate.

As he came out 10 minutes later four projectiles from my weapon pierced his upper body and arms, stopping him in his tracks and turning him in a quite surprised hybrid of Red Leicester and Swiss cheese. [And you thought Mr Parmesan's death had ended the cheese jokes... DH.] His dying words extinguished in the darkness of the night.

"Two by two, bullets in you"

Josh Degenhardt reports:

It was early evening. A vague terror had crept over my being that day. Only a few hours earlier I heard that detestable sound of my door's brass handle grating against the wood. Someone was turning it. Fortunately I had enough of my wits to have locked it, foreseeing such an event. Following this, a rapping as of some gentle tapping, tapping at my chamber door, reached my ears. [Good, but not quite on par with Curtis. DH.] I knew better than to answer. When I moved over to the spyhole, I saw a figure clad in dark clothing descending the stairs, some large firearm in hand.

Confound it. One day into being incompetent and they were at my door. Were it but a few days onwards, I would have been safe! My studies had occupied me entirely over the past week, and I had planned on finally enacting my duties on the midweek. It goes without saying that the nefarious visitation left me shaken, and perhaps I might attribute this to the losing of my keys. My companions were leaving the staircase to go to dinner, while I was forced to remain behind, upturning my accommodation in order to find a missing key. Eventually I did - and rushed outside, hoping to reunite with my friends before they reached the hall.

It was in this zealousness, I believe, that I made my hamartia. Heedless of any threat, I paced into the cold night. The moon was gibbous, if I recall correctly. The first shot felt less painful than it did surprising. My whole body was jarred with the force of the projectile. By the second I was on my knees. My vision faded into a pallid red, as the third and fourth bullets passed through my abdomen.

Another dead man lying on a desolate portico.

[18:30 PM] DaVinci's research pays off, driving Albert Seung Woo Kang the Bantersaurous Rex into extinction
DaVinci reports:

This evening I was on the ground floor with Rowan Haslam (Totoro) who had recently been murdered by the police [Ahem. We prefer "brought to justice". DH.] and I noticed Alby Kang approaching with a banana-gun drawn. As he leaped forward triumphantly shouting "*bang*" and shot Rowan's corpse, I drew my (pen) knife and plunged it into his chest.

[20:26 PM] Ninetails whips out a pistol and shoots Vidur Mehta (Big V)
Ninetails reports:

I slew Vid Mehta with a few careful, muffled shots in the back with a water pistol. Please take me off the inco list...
[Well if you absolutely insist. DH.]

[21:51 PM] Kevin Duff (KDog) is so appalled by the singing of the Bad Horse Chorus he resigns from the game...

[22:11 PM] The Freeze ray halts Timothy Ekeh (ArmouredTitan) in his tracks
Freeze ray reports:

Having seen a group of what I assume were Guild-police heading to Tim's room after the incompetence list came out, lead by someone I believe to be our glorious Umpire [You might very well think that; I couldn't possibly comment. DH.], I managed to beat them to his room by an alternative route. Unfortunately, Tim was out at the time, leading to a somewhat close call as I attempted to prove to the Police that I was not in fact Tim attempting to escape by pretending to be someone who came to assassinate him. Thankfully they believed me in the end. [We weren't being terribly serious; we had pictures and you don't look particularly similar... DH.]

Fortunately I ran into Tim later in the day at Corpus Film Society, and after quickly checking the assassins rules on societies, I made a point of walking with Tim for the next ten minutes (I believe the rules only require a 5 minute gap [Correct. DH.], but I decided to play it safe), before stabbing him as he left.

Monday, 3 November

[10:00 AM] Nikki Heat continues to cut a swathe through the incompetence list as Alex Law (the water) evaporates before her wrath
Nikki Heat reports:

Cross Alex Law off the inco list; he's dead. Shot in the engineering department at 10am today, just outside a lecture theatre.

[For dedicated service to Evil, Nikki Heat is promoted to Henchman. DH.]

[18:40 PM] Sanguine merrily slaughters Ying Teng (Yang)
Sanguine reports:

As I was in the neighbourhood I figured I would pay my victim a visit, fortunately for me he had grown complacent and answered his door without any weaponry at the ready. I stabbed him without any fuss in the slightest; what fun!

[18:50 PM] The Evil Chicken shows Jonathan Utterson (Diraclohr) who's first in the pecking order
Evil Chicken reports:

I have finally made my first kill; the inco Jonathan Utterson. I bumped into him, struck up an inane conversation, and walked for a while intending the stylish death of attaching a poison dart (clothes peg) to him. On deciding it would have been a bit too suspicious to walk so close to him, and thinking I had to go in a different direction, I forwent that and just stabbed him with my "pen-knife".

[21:51 PM] the Lightning Flame turns the tables on Kai Hugtenburg, eclipsing the Pink Moon
the Lightning Flame reports:


After two weeks of eerie quiet, someone finally tried to kill me! I had of course been making a habit of keeping a loaded nerf gun with me at all times, taking it with me to the shower, to lectures, always scouring hallways before I entered them, but no one seemed to consider themselves up to the challenge of killing me (and they were probably right). All this changed today, however, when I saw a suspicious-looking group of four strangers walk past me on the way to my room. I kept my eye on them and my hand on the trigger of my gun in my pocket. My terrible gaze must have made them hesitate, for they just continued walking in the opposite direction.

I went back to my room, cautious but not uneasy, and was looking up who I would kill on the incompetence list, when I heard a knock on the door. I asked who it was, and when no reply was forthcoming, I demanded that I be told what I wanted and made sure my gun was cocked and ready to pierce any intruder's unsuspecting heart. I heard a indistinct sound and decided that it would be better to end a potential ambush earlier rather than later, and opened the door.

I saw a jauntily smiling stranger, hesitated during the split second during which I realised that my suspicions were confirmed, and fired straight at his stomach, just below his heart. My split-second hesitation ended up costing me a finger however, as he managed to inexpertly launch a fearsome paper throwing disk, which has significantly decreased the mobility of my otherwise exquisitely dextrous assassin's hand. As he stood, torrents of blood gushing out of his chest, his three accomplices rushed to his aid, but to no avail. Dying, he and his three accomplices decided that never, be it in this life or the next, would they attempt to take my life again, at which point I decided that it would be a fair offering of peace to thank Kai and his fair-haired followers for the pleasant blessing that they bestowed upon me tonight. Let my injured finger be a sign to all of ye assassins: Beware the Lightning Flame.

Pink Moon reports:

After the amazing TMS lecture my companion and I thought we might as well bash some incompetents at [REDACTED]. The first one was not in his room, or wisely kept it shut. In the second room we did not find someone either, but on leaving the building we bumped into someone, after a moment of consideration we figured out this might have been our target, so we went back to the room. I knocked on the door, yes he was in. After I replied his "who's there" with a stupid hi, the door opened. Wisely the target did not open the door that much, but I gave it a little push and threw a ninja star at him. Just after the star flew on its way to kill him, he took his hand out of his pocket, with a gun, and shot me in the chest. The star did not hurt him badly, although his left hand got ripped into two.

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