The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News
The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 NewsA cloud of death in Cambridge
Creeps across the Sidgwick Site.
It smothers every building:
Every student feels its blight.
It creeps inside the faculties,
To every lecture room.
Its tendrils, slowly drifting, bring
The dark descent of doom.
She stayed inside the lecture hall,
Still texting with her phone.
And I, the cruel assassin, found her
Sitting there alone.
I lured her out, and there she met
Her end, at my (pen) knife.
The cloud then lifted, satisfied
To take a player's life.
I know it's not my usual style
To write in such bleak verse.
But take care, fellow players - soon
I'll weave some plots far worse...
Quokka.
BZZZZZT
BZZZZZT
OH, WHY'S IT DOING THAT AGAIN STOP STOP STOP STOP
****FIRST MESSAGE
TODAY ACCIUESTED BY CONCERNING NEWS OVER THE WIRES STOP
SOME STRANGE YOUNG THING ALSO POSITIONED OUT HERE IN BRA REDACTED STOP KET THINKS HE CAN
CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL STOP
AS IF THAT'S HOW IT WORKS STOP
ANY WAY IIIIIIIIIII
LLLLLLLLLL
BEEEP STOP
RNE; HG
SO I NJGKW V5JH5G THE PENTAGRAM AND JGKL;GHOA
BZZZT
BZZZT
STOP
STOP
STOP
STOP
GO
RED AND AMBER
STOP
****SECOND MESSAGE
LATER THE EVENING AROUND SIX COLON THIRTY STOP
SNUCK INTO BRA REDACTED STOP KET RETURN STOP
BRA VIA CUNNING USE OF THE FRONT DOOR KET
VIA SIMILAR FRONT DOOR STRATEGY WALKED INTO ROOM OF VICTIM
BRA GLORFINDEL KET
WHO HAD LAID LOW FOR A LITTLE TOO LONG AND BECOME INCO
CHUCKLE CHUCKLE STOP
WAS KILLED BY VERY INCREDIBLY DEADLY PENGUIN STOP
HAD BEEN EATING CURRY BUT DECIDED TO STOP FOR A BREIF CHAT STOP
DID NOT WANT A BISCUIT KET COLON STOP
NO FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS
STOP END STOP.
-via Telegram
I've been killed, alas, by an extremely deadly penguin! I didn't see its icy beak coming from the depths of nowhere and so my short and quite useless life has been ended!
As Gwilym walked into the Mill lane building, no one noticed a shadow detach itself from the wall. He turned around at the last minute, and the bullet sailed over his shoulder, but the knife that followed didn't miss.
It was a perfect plan. Get to lectures early to kill an incompetent as
they arrived. Easy right? I knew they didn't have me as a target, because
several opportunities came about earlier and they hadn't tried.
This plan ended in disaster though. It was just my luck that this
morning they'd received a new target: me. And so the hunter became the
hunted. Somehow they knew I'd be early and had arrived even earlier, and
appearing out of the shadows, they shot me, missed, but then slit my
throat before I could react.
Report 1257251:
Target: Vulcan
Mission: Shoot before questions
Result: assassination successful
CLACK CLACK CLACK DING
IS IT WORKING NOW QUESTION STOP
OH WELL I'LL JUST TELL YOU ANYWAY
THIS LUNCHTIME FOUND MYSELF NEAR BRA WELL I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO REDACT IT ANYWAY BUT FOR THE RECORD IT WAS BRA CORRECT KET KET WHERE ONE OF MY TARGETS IS ASTERISXK LIVING ASTERIXKS BRA SPELLING KET SO THOUGHT I'D POP IN STOP
LOCATED THE TARGET'S ROOM AND SO DECIDED TO LURK STOP
WITHIN MOMENTS WAS APPROACHED BY BEDDER WHO ASKED QUOTE ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE ASSASSINS QUESTION QUOTE STOP
EITHER INCREDIBLY GOOD DISGUISE OR SAVY BEDDER STOP
REGARDLESS DENIED EVERTHING AND TOOK THIS AS QUEUE BRA AHEM KET TO EXIT STOP
WILL HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER STOP
-Via Telegram
I found my target talking in the light,
And then he started walking through the night.
I recognised him. At this lucky sight,
I followed close, and fired. To my delight,
He turned and died, without trying to fight.
His spirit drifted off, in lonely fright.
Quokka.
I was walking along having a pleasant conversation after leaving from Tutor's drinks. It was dark, and I thought we were alone, when I heard a shot behind me and a round hit me in the back. Somehow my assassin chanced across me and recognized me in the dark. They had better aim than the two previous people who tried to shoot me, and I am now unfortunately dead.
In a desperate attempt to not be placed on the incompetence list, I arrived early to a talk I was attending and scouted out the surrounding colleges for incompetents.
In [REDACTED] I infiltrated all their non-existent security and made my way to the correct accommodation block where I knocked on the door of a known incompetent.
To my glee the door began to open and I fired my gun at the occupant (Max Kaye) [You're not helping the competence argument by getting your target's name worng... DH.].
After the badly aimed nerf pellet bounced off their arm and across the room they informed me of their recent demise earlier that day.
My only hope is that this attempt will buy me enough time to continue to carry out (or at least attempt) more assassinations in what is likely to be my short-lived future as an assassin.
Playing assassins whilst drunk may not have been the smartest of ideas. Whilst beginning a night out, I was informed by [REDACTED] that his competence deadline was fast approaching. After bringing his guard down with whiskey, I left the room under some pretence and tooled up. The kill itself could not have been easier. However looking at the list of incompetents the following morning, I saw to my horror that he was not on it and I may have made an illicit kill which would lead to him being resurrected and me becoming corrupt. I then realised all too late that it was likely he had reported a false competence deadline and had planned the whole sorry escapade. Well played [REDACTED], well played...
UMPIRE: The target was not inco at the time, so the kill is annulled. Faith is made corrupt for killing a live player. (So out of character...)
I suspect the deadline information was accurate, but remember that people only become incompetent when this is posted on the list (i.e. upon the first update after their deadline). I suspect what happened was the target's deadline was a little after Wednesday's update, and thus he would not have become incompetent until the next update.
Failure cannot be tolerated amongst the Royal Family. Left a full-grown dragon in incompetent college son's room to eat him.
~King Mickey
Slightly more out of character in order to give detail:
Dressed in large dragon onesie, labelled clearly with "KILLER DRAGON (DUH)" to avoid ambiguity and rules lawyering, waited outside Ben's room. Upon him not showing for his first lecture, I began to retreat, but texted him inquiring as to whether he wanted to come hang out. Upon being questioned about 'this isn't to kill me is it', I cheerfully replied that to kill him in my room would be bad form. Outside his however....
It quickly became apparent that he was going to his second lecture an hour later, and thus I returned to his floor. The signs were there however that perhaps, if I should be so lucky, he was currently in the shower. Redonning the dragon onesie I cautiously entered his room - empty! Here I stood for some time, dragonned up and grinning like an idiot, until finally he returned and was met with abrupt and deadly dragon hugs. This caused such fright to poor Ben that he let out a rather impressive scream, known to have been heard clearly from at least the floor below if not several more. At this point he was distinctly dead and so we chatted for a bit.
RIP, son.
Christmas brings its joys but today a day of woe. For the Duchess passed me by and quick was my retrieval of my ninja star. At first a miss but a second shot I had. And now the Duchess is dead.
Jehearo
Move West.
Suddenly a wild [redacted] appears.
Use projectile.
[redacted] uses cycling.
Your ammo is stuck.
Projectile was not very effective.
Use water with care.
Weapon not found
Water with care was not very effective.
[redacted] escapes.
They came for me late in the day,
Long after the cold light had set.
And, though I was hidden away,
I knew that they'd come for me yet.
Betrayed by a person I knew!
His brother fired that evil gun.
I thought that my friends were all true,
But he ended my time in the sun.
Surrounded, outflanked and outnumbered,
I was far too slow to react.
As soon as I knew I had blundered,
The bullet in my chest had smacked.
I fell, and my ears started ringing.
Then it dawned on me, so loud and clear,
That the Muse would forever be singing,
But that Quokka could no longer hear.
Quokka.
Myself and my accomplice, Tim the Enchanter, visited the room of Alexander Hardwick. Conveniently, I have a nearly identical brother, who knew the good Mr Hardwick. Upon knocking, I identified myself as my brother, but the door did not open. After a nerve-wracking wait, evidently Alexander decided I was my brother, and opened the door. Us two master warriors (citation needed) engaged in a pitched battle to the death, as fate had decreed. This ended with my bullet piercing his heart, followed by several stabs from my knife to his chest, just to make sure that a murder most foul had been committed.
I have a fairly bad sense of direction and on the way back from a lecture I decided to go with an accomplice to pay a visit to some incompetents.
My accomplice, the good friend that he is, left me behind on several occasions but most of the time I remembered the correct direction to go.
Unfortunately on the last occasion I turned the wrong way and eventually ended up on the other side of Cambridge.
Eventually (after sending many texts with curse words and jokes about random walks [Anyone want to take a guess at DaVinci's subject? DH.) I miraculously returned to my college and accepted that I will soon be incompetent in every sense of the word.
After brief consideration of whether to acquire additional infamy or attempt to redeem myself, I settled on the latter - I'm not done living yet! With this in mind, I was exceptionally pleased to encounter the man who was indirectly responsible for bringing about my corruption on Wednesday. As I walked towards him with a smile on my face, he managed to hold a full tray of food with one hand and produce a shuriken with another and warned me to back off but didn't actually kill me. Fatal error good sir. I promptly returned to my room to increase my ranged capabilities and returned to find him quietly enjoying a curry with friends. Appalled by such a lack of apparent paranoia in someone who had survived for more than half of the game - I brutally shot him in front of several bemused onlookers and this time it was actually legal (I hope) [Um. Nope. DH]. Sorry SentientWaffle - you didn't think you could evade me for ever, did you?
Faith caught me while carrying food, he tried to stab me; I got him to back off, but couldn't kill him without spilling my food. He was then able to approach me unnoticed while I was eating, and shot me with a band gun.
UMPIRE: Informal halls, butteries, etc. are no-projectile zones. The kill is annulled and Faith is made more Wanted.
I'm dead. My girlfriend jehearo shot me after my work.
You made me kill my boyfriend.
I'm now a necrophiliac. Great.
Jehearo.
[REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][CENSORED][RUN AWAY!][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][ERROR][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED] Louise Ellis was shot by me when she opened her door [REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][BRAVELY REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED].
[REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED][REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
This evening, I invited Griph round to my room to play a board game (with the intention of killing him). Unfortunately, he had the same idea, and when I opened the door I was greeted with a dagger thrown from the opposite side of the corridor. Luckily it hit my leg. I retaliated with a nerf gun wound to his arm. He produced a credit card throwing star, which dismembered my gun arm, and I returned fire with my other arm, missed, then with another nerf dart, hit his kneecap. He hopped away, neither of us suffering fatal injuries.
-Gryph
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce and I went to [REDACTED] to kill incompetent Gryph.
We were let inside by Hoban's Stegosaurus, a member of the police.
Hoban's Stegosaurus expressed his apparent surprise that there was an incompetent under his own roof, while texting Gryph to let him know there were assassins here to kill him.
Despite this, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce and I went straight to Gryph's open room and shot at him with rubber band gun and nerf gun respectively.
After Wesley Wyndam-Pryce had killed Morgan, Griph (another incompetent who was standing next to Gryph) killed Wesley Wyndam-Pryce.
Shortly afterwards we ate some biscuits I brought with me and Wesley Wyndam-Pryce and I departed.
This evening, a certain DaVinci called on me asking for my assistance in killing a man who needed to die. I was, as always, willing to put up my life in the hunt of justice. We journeyed far to the lair of the hunted and haunted doorways until we were let in by an admitedly suspicious chap who we shall call Sr. X. Shortly aftwerwards, we entered the room of the man we hunted and a planted a bullet in the chest of the incompetent. Then I was shot down by his accomplice, another in the room whom I had not considered a threat.
I lay dead, but so did our target...
Win some lose some...
It's probably moot reporting this for reasons that shall become apparent, but I feel I need to let it be known to the wider audience of what shall be my final death of Michaelmas 2014. Whilst performing chemical analysis which would assist in bringing down my next crop of victims, I heard a knock on my door. Looking through the spyhole - I saw two of my colleagues in the Bad Horse Chorus. Remaining silent and grabbing my gun, I waited for them to leave. As soon as their backs where turned, I threw the door open and let rip, taking out one of the two I could see. Unfortunately there was a third team member who was out of sight and who promptly released the 'bad horse' attack animal which mortally savaged me. Whilst bleeding out, I saw my victim rise up again via magical resurrection. What could this be? It turned out that I had become such an embarrassment to the Bad Horse Chorus (via illegal kills that had to be retconned etc.) that Corporal Hammer MA and the Umpire himself (plus another Chorus member who remained unidentified) had come to get me hence the rather quick resurrection. Thus I died with the satisfaction of knowing I had managed to bring down the Umpire with me (for however short a time). The post mauling biscuit was also rather nice...
Bad horse, Bad horse
Bad horse, Bad horse
He rides across the nation,
Badged with fluorescent green
He's on his way to get you if you've not been keen!
[OOC: I cannot believe I just used the word keen without irony.]
Hammer:
I had a call from a fan yesterday - nothing unusual there. Seems this... Billy, I think his name was, had a trip planned that might involve bringing down evildoers [Well lack-of-evil-doers really... DH.]. Well, I'm always into that, so I decided to tag along. I got Nikki Heat to come along too - couldn't shake the horrible feeling that this guy didn't actually like me that much.
We then wandered around for a bit. There was no violence at all. It was very dull.
The first actually cool thing happened at [REDACTED]. The three of us were just getting into position when who should open the door and walk out but our target themselves - unfortunately we must have looked too eager to bring justice to the land, as the target panicked and leapt backwards. My shot vanished into the room, and I made it to the door just as they did. I'm not sure whether the door punched me or I punched it, but punching is always good.
[OOC: On a serious note, when trying to close/open a door, if you feel resistance from another person holding it open/closed, do not attempt to force it - the game should never be about physical strength. This was a borderline case as we both got there at once, but in general the No Force Rule is there for a reason.] [Hey! This bit is my job. Get your tanks off my lawn Corporal. DH.]
We then dropped by [REDACTED], where it seemed a multiple-offender was hiding out. Billy seemed annoyed at this one. Like, more annoyed than he seemed at me [Dream on. DH.], though I don't get why, I'm great. [Yes. For target practice. DH.]
Nikki Heat and Billy knocked, then started to walk away when there was no answer, when the door burst open and rubber bands began gracefully pirouetting towards my comrades. Unnoticed on the other side of the door, I looked for some way to bring the criminal to justice, as well as avenge Billy, who had been caught by a rubber band. (I felt the strangest urge to celebrate. [[REDACTED][CENSORED][REDACTED]. DH.])
You know they don't let you have cars in Cambridge? They don't. It's terrible. Particularly for a seasoned evil-fighter like me. [We just liked the idea of Hammer on a bicycle. With stabilisers. DH.] So I threw the next best thing at his head - a horse.
This horse.
Just before 9am this morning I was approached by jehearo; I suspected an attempt on my life as she walked purposefully in my direction trying to conceal a gun. I was able to dodge around some innocents (none were injured) and took a shot to the arm. I then ran to put some distance between the now sword wielding assassin and myself and threw a ninja star (with my other arm) that hit jehearo in the chest, killing her instantly.
As I saw my target walk, surrounded by innocents, I casually walked up to take my aim but he dodged. He began to run, and I chased after him with a katana in hand. But the ninja bettered the samurai and now I find a ninja star in my stomach. But be warned SentientWaffle for I will resurrect again and find my way to slaughter both the incompetent and the rest.
Jehearo.
Seems like she didn't need my signature. By which I mean my fist. With a pen in it. Which was labelled knife.
Lieutenant Hammer atatcked me about 10 min ago. I fired 7 rounds from my RBG. The attatcker died.
I decided that as King, it is my right to start the celebrations early [Careful mortal...]. As such, one minute prior to Open Season, I stabbed incompetent Zer0 in the back as she departed from a lecture. Cold, perhaps; but as the dragon incident pointed out, a King must not shy from his duty.
~King Mickey
This morning-ish (13:00), I gutted Enkvir outside our lecture. I had been stalking him ever since [redacted] told me of his existence as an assassin, but today was my first chance with him as a legit target.
Having died earlier today I was shot by invisibalkitty. Having tipped her off about SentientWaffle's whereabouts as well as what they wore, I waited for them and guided them towards a predetermined route where invisibalkitty was waiting to ambush him. As we walked down the stairs, I gave no warning and watched as my killer was killed and proceeded to high five my fellow assassin.
Oh such sweet, sweet vengeance.
The now deceased Jehearo.
As I was leaving the Engineering Department, I was shot multiple times by invisibalkitty; I suspect she had been conspiring with Leslie Stowe who tried to kill me earlier.
GRUMPY UMPIRE (GRUMPIRE?): Needless to say (at least that's what I thought) this is not allowed, and constitutes two breaches of both the letter and spirit of the rules. When players die they should be careful to ensure that any information they have, especially as a result of their death, is not used to the advantage of live players. Saying that someone's died is OK, as is telling the tale a few days down the line, but giving info to a live player in a bid to eliminate your killer is extremely poor-sportsmanship. Equally, accomplicing as a dead player is a great way to get all associated kills automatically annulled.
Sometimes the actions of mortals are not enough to protect the safety of Valhalla [Typical Asgardians; acting like they own the place; your status quo's coming down too you know... DH]. At this time I had to intervene and Mjolnir had to strike the wanted criminal The Rooster; life of innocents can not be treated that way. That view was tested when I encountered the criminal in his college. Standing in a long queue of civilians I could not risk that he fire the gun in his pocket, possibly claiming even more lives.
Instead I took a page out of the play book of my brother [Which bit? Inviting aliens to flatten New York, or dressing like a reindeer going to an opera? DH.]. As he was distracted by involvement in a conversation with a valkyrian blonde, I let a blade find its way into his back. As he suffered punishment for his crimes, this plane became a safer place for the humans living in it.
OH HELLO GLAD TO BE SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN STOP [Evening. DH.]
WAIT A MOMENT THERE'S A CAT SAT ON THE
*43 SECONDS OF STATIC*
LONG BEEP
SHORT BEEP
LONG BEEP
VERY LONG BEEP
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
NO NO NO STOP STOP STOP
STOP STOP
WHERE WAS I QUESTION STOP
OH YES I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS EVENING
WELL THIS EVENING I HID IN A CONVENIENT CORNER IN ONE OF THE CORRIDORS OF BRA WELL ITS' WHERE HE LIVES I'M SURE YOU CAN WORK IT OUT UMPIRE KET AND WITHIN AN IMPRESSIVE EIGHT MINUTES THE TARGET BRA SENTIENTWAFFLE KET ARRIVED AND WAS SWIFTLY DEALT WITH, BY PENGUIN JUST LIKE THE LAST ONE WAS STOP
ANOTHER RIVAL DEFEATED STOP
-Via Telegram.
BZZZZT
PING
NOW ALL OF MY FOES FROM [REDACTED] ARE GONE!
IT IS NOT LONG NOW!
SOON I SHALL RISE ABOVE ALL THE PUNY HUMAN ASSASSINS!
THERE CAN BE NO OTHER!
MWA HA HA!
MWA HA HA!
MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA STOP
OH!
OH STOP
YOU DIDN'T GET THAT DID YOU QUESTION STOP
IT WASN'T MEANT FOR YOU
IN FACT,
(27 second pause)
BRA DEEP VOICE KET THIS PROBABLY ISN'T EVEN WHO YOU THINK IT IS STOP
NO, PROBABLY A CROSSED WIRE STOP
BECAUSE I WASN'T EVEN TRYING TO SEND THIS TO ANYONE STOP
(12 second pause)
UHM MUST BE GOING NOW STOP
-Via Telegram?
"Sahil!" he hears from behind and turns his head only to see a pair killer cat claws before falling to sleep for ever...
murrrrrrrrrr
All right; the wait is over. This my friends is my Thunderbolt-Ray, which after testing at my famously successful raids over the weekend, I say 'successful' in that my targets were eliminated, they were less successful in that I inadvertantly got myself horribly killed in the process...
Right, Thunderbolt-Ray; so as of tonight all long-term incos are dead if all goes to plan, which it will, becuase I'm studying for a PhD in Horribleness!
See you in the aftermath.
Peace.
Only not, you know, literally peace...because, er...
....................................................
The last of the insurgency has fallen. There can be only one [THERE ARE NO MAFIA BOSSES IN CAMBRIDGE] in Cambridge, and thus the final rogue Griph had to die. Waiting outside his lectures, I dispensed swift justice with a knife to the heart. His last words were those of confusion - firstly that this area not in the lecture theatre but outside it was, in fact, not in the lecture theatre; and secondly that he was suddenly a valid target. Apparently the insurgency was somewhat unaware of Open Season and the joy that it entails. Bit late now, really.
I am done for. Spent. My entrails and lifeblood seep into the floor of the lecture hall lobby. All it took was a well placed stab following my innocent, foolish response to my name being called out. I must hand it to King Mickey, his dedication towards the kill, turning up to my early morning 8:40am lecture, must be applauded. Bravo good sir, bravo.
The Downing Mafia is, at last, vanquished.
Alfie Wright
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