Jingle Bells, Jenny Smells.
On return to my room I noted a new arrival to the wanted persons Christmas shopping list. During my supervision the reindeer were prepared (believe me, they were needed) and then off we flew northwards.
This person doesn't have a chimney, so I had to use the door. But it was locked. And she wasn't in. How am I meant to give her presents when I can't get in? Anyway, I left her a couple of mince pies.
As I am meant to be so kind, and children expect rather a lot these days, I decided to leave another present. A festive cracker, hidden under the door, rigged to explode on opening of the door. This should blow her legs off and make her bleed to death.
But, another present still to come. Some honey, spread all over the cracker will either render it useless or slowly posion the skin of this evil child. The poison will spread from finger tips to toes, ridding any evil, and hence killing the child.
Anyway, Rudolph is all tucked up in bed now with a cup of hot milk and a mince pie.
Isn't Christmas a jolly time of year?
I appear to be wanted for cowuption, and although I have no idea how that happened (Martin O'Leary? The Johnnian Mafia? The Emmanuel Mafia? A certain corpse wanting to teach me that you cannot hug ironically? PC Vindicare? Anyway, there are no places whatsoever that rumour could have come from...) In a last defence I would say that before tonight my cwimes have been entirely those of inaction and watching my fwiend kill people. It was amusing. Oh, and wasting police time- that was me.
What about excessive use of the letter w? Guilty as charged, I think.
Today, however, I was feeling a little bit hunted for some reason. I went home to redo makeup to die in. I found Father Christmas standing outside my door. I ran away and have not been back since, so I look terrible. He tells me he has left me some mince pies, how very nice of him, my neighbour also tells me there is something under the door. I am scared but- oh!- not alone, not very alone.
The conflict lay, as ever, between duty and loyalty, as it has for brave men since the dawn of time. Being an archetypal woman in many ways, as will be related later, it was no conflict, and Tom has a very big gun. Lots of them. So I will not betray him.
It's always the big guns they go for.
SELWYN COLLEGE has been inundated with allegations of corruption made by students within the last ten hours. Between 15 and 20 female members of the college, none of whom really exist, have complained of incidents ranging from verbal harassment to serious physical soaking. Several of these incidents are said to have centered around I staircase, but corrupt behaviour in and around supervision rooms has also been cited.
Whilst these recent allegations have emerged from within Selwyn, wanted criminal Hannah Brown insists they reflect a "climate of latent corruption within the university" beyond the confines of any single college. Nevertheless, she saw the need to get onto the issue straight away. In a community of fewer than 2 live players, with females constituting only one of the entire Selwyn mafia, this series of complaints points to a high level of corruption amongst women at Selwyn.
On Monday, members of the college received their police badges, with emails explaining that "the scale and nature of her wantedness is unprecedented, and of the utmost seriousness." Several students attended hall on Tuesday evening, and Hannah announced that, as a suitable gesture, she would kill them. She told TCS that "this issue will not be brushed under the carpet or forgotten about like most issues of TCS. A sense of mutual respect in College will not be compromised."
Caius undergraduates also received a challenge from Hannah, who condemned them as "simply incompetent", and described the suggested mechanism by which they might kill her. Her statement on the behaviour of Selwyn police specifies that the Umpire is "ultimately responsible for discipline" of any member culpable of "corrupt behaviour". It is expected that the most serious reports of corruption will be referred to the police for judgement.
Despite the confrontations at Selwyn provoked by Hannah's corruption of Ian Kisby and his attempts today to rid Selwyn of other police for her, Hannah told TCS that the Umpire is "fully behind her on this one, cos it's fun." She added that Kisby devoted eight hours to trying to kill them and "made himself late for a supervision." It was agreed that Hannah should do the killing, to prevent more cases of annulled kills, to punish the cowardly police officers who wouldn't attempt to kill her and to raise the awareness of all officers as to their social obligations.
CUSU Women's Officer Bonnie was quick to congratulate Hannah "on taking a strong stance to show her policy of complete non-tolerance towards the law", but warned that "the potential for death still very much exists in the University and collegiate environment". Clyde agreed that the disproportionately large number of cops he'd shot that evening who'd already been dead contributes to an atmosphere which can be intimidating, and pointed out that "just shooting every cop you see in the college bar is thought by some to be a perfectly acceptable way of staying competent". Female undergraduates at Newnham and Girton agreed on this point. An SPS student said, "some blokes think they can get away with things that they oughtn't to", but emphasised that this was true "all over the place" and not just at Selwyn. The seriousness of the recent allegations came as "a huge surprise, but everybody pulled together" and the response of most people in Selwyn has been to show "amazing indifference".
The fact that female members were able to approach the end of the game in confidence with such a sensitive police force demonstrates that the methods of staying alive are valued. However the shock of seeing their police force slaughtered outside hall will prompt Selwyn students to reflect on a possible life of crime.
I have a lot of reports of PC McGreedy 3 Puddings trying to kill the rest of the Selwyn police force at various times. He succeeded in shooting the arm of one of them with a heavy water weapon but the confrontation came to nothing. Later he shot the unarmed Agent Fluffy Bunny, but this won't count.
At hall, Hannah decided to do her own dirty work, stabbing three people
(Agents Phoenix and Kal and someone else) as they left:
Imagine my horror when I checked the assassins web page last night to
discover that three new policemen had been recruited, all from Selwyn no
less. This did not suit my original plan to eliminate the college police
force before becoming wanted. I knew I had to act quickly.
Fortunately three police officers were sat on the same table as me in
hall. They had not noticed me, allowing me to follow them out at the end
of the meal and simultaneously cosh and stab them. It was a truly
horiffic sight, which no doubt put several Selwynians off their meals as
they saw the dead bodies of their friends piled at the entrance of the
dining hall.
Dear Mr. Umpire...
I think you should put me on the wanted list, as I've been a very naughty
policeman. You see, I was sitting around with a group of policemen
friends, talking about pop music. One of them had the temerity, the nerve,
the downright balls to suggest that Ben Folds Five were not the height of
musical excellence; I therefore pulled out my Detective Special and killed
the bastard. Luckily, he was the only non-player in the group; somewhat
unluckily, I have since had to live in a protective lead-lined nuclear-bomb
shelter for fear of reprisals. Anyway, I've got enough tinned peaches to
survive for many a month, so I'm waiting for some action...
yours,
the Very Naughty PC Hammurabi
Your wish...
We decided to forget sublety and caution. We have nothing to lose. We are two against the world now, it shouldn't have forced us to this.
So we went and knocked on someone's door in Selwyn. He opened it and we shot him. Some neighbours came out so we shot them. Some more neighbours emerged to see what the fuss was about, and we shot them too. And then... how many neighbours did this guy have? Anyway, I think only one was actually that terrible thing, a policeman, but nobody is truly innocent. No such thing. Although about 8 people in that corridor might have been considered as such.
I think they riddled the bodies of Agents Kal and Phoenix with holes, plus they killed David Rufino (who was later shot to smaller pieces by Hannah), not to mention a few of their neighbours. Sociable college, eh?
Then we went somewhere else and shot PC Constantine, who was nice. Her golden gun was jammed, which made little difference considering the barrage of bullets which hit her when she opened the door. We have enough guns for our hands. We have *lots* of guns. I don't actually have more than the usual number of hands- feathers and scales, yes, but what did you expect?- but we have had more than any of our victims so far. Incidentally, Inspector Wig, neither of us goes to lectures with just 16 shots.
Then we shot someone else in Queens, who was also quite nice, we mowed him down with a hail of lethal projectiles. He made a very impressive dying groan and crumpled softly like a deflated balloon.
That was it for the night. Do you know my inbox was full of death threats before I knew I was wanted? I had no idea I knew so many people. The Wig's "Well, well, Miss Q*etzalcoatl" was probably the best, although Father Christmas and I are still negotiating about whether or not he is going to brutally murder me.
I am, excuse the expression, dead tired. But rather peculiarly not dead yet.
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