I am writing to report an attempt that was made on my life yesterday. I am still reeling from the shock of this attempt. Perusing my mail, imagine my surprise to discover a letter from 'The Life Trust Cooperation' of Andrew Nathon Road 24, Manchester. Fearing the worst I exercised caution in opening it - to the extent that an innoncent bystander who I employed in the capacity of a forensics expert had to be rushed to the nearest poisons unit. Fortunately, the dose was far from fatal. Despite the worrying tone of the letter, in which the author congratulated me on my place at Cambridge University before advising me to look for the simple bare necessites of life. Unsurprisingly, it was signed Balu. It really was a shame that the white powder mentioned in the letter didn't seem to exist.
Coming back from Halloween superhall, my black devil horns slightly askew, I decided to check my mail as I passed through the Plodge. As is custom, I let my friends open all my letters in case of contact poison/bombs. Sadly, my next door neighbour Remy opened the official looking letter addressed to myself. As she opened it some white contact poison spilled onto her hand, and collapsing she died on the spot. The letter has now been destroyed. I think on Remy with admiration and affection, giving her life so that the Child of the Revolution might live. So I remain, still armed and dangerous, with my honorable followers who risk their lives for my protection. The fools.
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