My ministers informed me that someone was smuggling Euros into Cambridge. Using a EuroDetector(TM) invented by my chief scientist I went in search of the fiends, determined to Save the Pound!
As I passed Market Square the EuroDetector(TM) beeped at a suspicious looking fellow and I was filled with rage at the machinations of Brussels. I tailed him for a few seconds until, overwhelmed with anger, I mowed him down with the assault rifle given to me last Christmas by my wife, Betsy.
It turned out that he didn't have any Euros and it was just the buttons on his jacket that set the beeper off. Oops.
This, hot from the ouija-board:
I was walking down King's Parade daydreaming when my acute assassin's senses alerted me that someone was running up behind me. Firing a machine gun. I experienced a brief moment of panic before collapsing in a cascade of blood.
Lo, he entered into a most beauteous college,
And left a gift, a gift of a bomb,
A bomb fit for a Kingianian Kingcunian
Kingalitarian person from Kings
Ra!
The voice of Ben F, from the grave:
I have been a victim of a letter disguised cunningly as a copy of the annual record of Gonville and Caius college Cambridge left in my letter box. Having never recieved suspect mail before, I was naturally not cunning enough, to take sufficient precaution to protect myself and was thus blown to kingdon come.
Fearing my imminent wantedness due to failure to eliminate my targets I decided to take the foolwing course of action. Upon returning from a failed kill attempt at Caius I turned my murderous impulses to the policeman who will soon be seeking my blood, namely those from my own college who will not wish to be held guilty of corruption.
My first victim was Mike "Fox Mulder" Nikson. Now, some people might argue that he is already dead, but as there was a lot of controversy surrounding his first death I felt that it would be best if I stabbed him just to make sure. His death was quick and painless...well painless apart from the stabbing part, obvoiusly.
My second victim was Tim "The Godfather" Blanchard a first year from my college, living on my old staircase no less. His friend answered the door and looked nervously at the knife that I had made little effort to conceal - when you are about to be wanted you can afford to be reckless. Again I stabbed him in the chest. He winced as I twisted the knife and fell to the floor in a heap. His friend cowered in terror as I ran from his room. I may be incompetent when it comes to killing my targets but I know how to catch policemen...
Well, actually, 'twas Tim Blanchard's friend who snuffed it:
This afternoon someone attempted to kill me. Basicaaly i don't know what the result of the situation is cos she didn't actually stab me. I opened my door but then pointed her towardsa my next door nieghbour who was in the room as being me. She then proceeded to kill him and spend the next five minutes conversing about how she's so proud of being in the seventh week and that her accomadation is impregnable. I'm not sure if i wasn't meant to sacrifice an innocent to save myself but i now know how to get at her.
For the heinous crime of allowing an innocent bystander to be killed in his place, PC Blanchard is made Wanted!
Well, what should I see on the website, but a wequiewment that I make a kill by next Thursday. Not wishing such details to weigh heavily upon me, I wesolved to legally kill a poow innocent, at the next oppowtunity.
What should come a meew half an houw latew, but a knocking upon my doow - and lo: thewe wewe two innocents standing all unsuspecting outside, waiting fow me.
Natwally, I invited them in (they had come all this way to see me...), and then apologised bwiefly fow my pointing a gun at them, as they entewed - obsewving that I was still a live assassin.
Then, holding out Fluffy to the fiwst, I said 'Hold this a sec.' which he duly did. So I shot him.
Next, I had to explain to his cowpse, and to his companion, what I had done, and why. When I explained that Fluffy was in fact a registered weapon, she said 'So how do you kill someone with him?'...
Needless to say, my response was 'Well... Hold this.' thrusting the gun towards her.
She accepted the gun, and so Fluffy did feed well, savaging hew neck most viciously.
That wascaly wabbit!
Pewaps I should hawe said that yow need a plawer kill to suwiwe incompetence.
Main Page | Other news 13th | 14th | 15th | 16th | 18th | 19th | 20th | 21st | 22nd | 23rd | 24th | 25th | 26th | 27th | 28th | 29th | 30th | 31st | 1st | 2nd | 3rd | 4th | 5th | 6th | 7th | 8th | 9th | 10th | 11th | 12th | 13th | 14th | 15th | 16th | 17th | Last updated at 22:24 on 16/11/01.