On this glorious, although slightly damp, morning, we set forth to dispose of the criminal menace blighting this fair city.
We wandered out to Selwyn, Clyde scaring numerous innocent passers-by with his fearsome aspect and our conversation regarding the imminent status of any criminals we should encounter.
We went for a good cop/bad cop look, with Bonnie doing her best to appear innocent, and unarmed, while I was dressed from head to toe in black, topped off with black coat, black hat, and a scarf around my face - carrying a black bag, filled with all manner of nefarious devices. (Incidentally, I'm still going for the Order of the Black Coat award...)
First on the list was the slightly notorious Tim Buchard, who responded with admirable naievety to Bonnie's 'I promise I won't kill you', and left his door wide open, while he talked to her.
We found Tim's in/out board proclaiming his absence, which hinted at an effort of self-preservation having been made. Needless to say we did not believe it. Clyde loaded his CPS in the bathroom, in case of encountering heavy resistance. I knocked on the door alone, calling out my name, a declaration of being unarmed and a promise not to kill him. To which he replied in the alert matter which categorises wanted criminals, "Huh?" and opened the door.
I invited myself into his room, blocking the door and talking. My accomplice accelerated round the corner and shot Tim several times. His last words were, "Ow, that hurt".
Oh, the criminals of the dreaming spires are cunning and difficult to kill.
Indeed they are, especially when those who would kill them continue to mistake the dead for the live...
Once again there has been an attempton my life by some less than competent would be assassins/policemen. My neighbour was in my room and decided to claim to be me again - sure enough he was shot dead by some blundering fool......again. If they are policemen surely they can't just go around shooting anyone who they THINK are on the wanted list without making sure first?
Is this poor undead neighbour's corpse destined never to find a quiet grave?
Next port of call was Newnham, and the slightly-notorious Paivi Pasi, who (given her slightly-competent status) we decided not to try a direct assault (although we were sorely tempted) - but instead decided that a note should be left for her.
Feeling moderatly bereft of poison, I was forced (no, really, I was) to plant an explosive note, instead. Such a shame.
It didn't work:
Apparently getting my name into the wanted list really paid off: a letter bomb! At my door! How exciting!!! (Have to tell momma about it right away!!!!)
However, it failed to kill me due to my increasing paranoia and the following facts:
1. My name is generally written with dots on top of 'a' - only a nefarious assassin could fail to comply with this...
2. After comprehensive graphological research, the handwriting on the note clearly conveyed the sense of an evil, dastardly person up to no good
and most importantly:
3. If viewed sideways, the detonator was clearly visible and also enabled me to attach a string to the letter and detonate the bomb from a safe distance. The bomb made a very satisfying bang, thank you.
A few minutes ago whilst I was concentrating on elementary discrete mathematics a knock sounded from the door. Bemused at the fact somebody had come to visit me (I'm a compsci :P ) I opened the door unarmed and greeted the called (well, I probably grunted something). My caller seemed surprised at the freak sporting 3 day stubble that is me, expecting the highly trained assassin she had read about on the site. She asked me if Adrian had called and said she was a fellow police officer. This had me confused as she mildly resembled somebody from Corpus JCR committee of which another Adrian is president. I was also confused by how somebody appearing to be an undergraduate could be a fellow and why she would be in the police if she was a fellow. Then, whilst pondering this thought, and ignoring whatever else she said I realised that this was an assassin possibly with my name on her bullet, politely, and still in a daze I closed the door to which she mumbled something about paranoia. You will agree that I had little option, as I couldn't be sure of her integrity.
Paranoia has begun to set in. Following the death of fellow Agent Pumpkin, I am the only surviving member of the Pembroke Police squad, and I'm beginning to worry for my safety. Informants have told me that after he had disposed of Pumpkin's body, the wanted criminal Simon Ford headed for my room; fortunately I was elsewhere when he called. You can imagine my relief at hearing the news of his death (no, wait; he's alive... huh?).
To get to the point of my article, I too was visited by the mysterious WPO reported by PC Mu. Following my newly self-imposed security regulations, I spoke to her with the door to my room shut. It seems that she is either a genuine Agent of good will, or just not very good at talking her way through a closed door; having warned me of the threat I was under from Adrian Proctor (and possibly realising that she wasn't going to gain entrance to my room), she left.
A post-mortem examination of the terror that answered to the name of 'James' has revealed that he was not, in fact, dead, but merely resting. Now he's back, and he knows where you live...
PC Sanah Faridi was incorruptible, so I shot her.
After having taken all the evidence into consideration, it is believed that the following happened:
10.00pm: The Wig enters Burrel's Field Porters Lodge and enquires for P staircase. Security is tight, The Wig is questioned as to who it wants to see, and responds "Adrian Proctor, room P2". At this point "Paul" leaves the adjacent computer room. The porter checks and confirms that Mr Proctor does indeed live in P2 (well not any more now, but he did then). "Is he expecting you?" "Yes". This was actually true, as The Wig had emailed him a few days before announcing the likelihood of a visit.The Local Area Map is explained to The Wig, and it sets out for P staircase.
10.01pm: While The Wig is still busy with the security guard, "Paul" rushes off to warn Adrian that someone is coming for him.
10.02pm: The Wig wanders over to P staircase. Meanwhile, "Paul" is meeting Adrian.
10.03pm: Outside P staircase. The Wig is about to ring the bell, having failed to produce a fake swipe-card in time, as "Paul" leaves the staircase and conveniently allows The Wig to gain access. At the same time, Mr. Proctor is preparing his room, turning on the tub in the bathroom, and switching on his lights. When looking out of the window, he fails to notice the intruder.
10.04pm: The Wig is standing outside Adrian's room, gun ready, about to knock, when it hears steps nearing the door. On the other side of the door, Adrian is about to leave his room to ambush his assassin outside.
10.05pm: The door starts to open. The Wig raises its gun and fires, just as Adrian realises his mistake and slams it shut. The shot goes off and hits just before The Wig's gun is crashed between the door and the frame, several parts of it scattering across the floor. One fingernail of The Wig also gets caught and compressed, but, luckily, no further body parts.
10.06pm: Some abusive language to follow. The Wig's favourite gun, destroyed! The one that had killed about half a dozen people, and that's not even counting a certain person shot multiple times in May Week! The Wig is thoroughly annoyed, and will need to get a new weapon (N.B.: This does *not* mean that currently The Wig is unable to defend itself. It just means that it can't use a cap gun to do so), sources indicate that CPS-systems are very useful, although difficult to conceal in small pockets.
10.07pm: Adrian's corpse shows The Wig his deadly water weapon with which he would have tried to ambush it, and manages to get it to fire on the 4th attempt.
10.10pm: After some more talking and testfiring of various weaponry, The Wig departs into the night, leaving behind a job well done.
The Wig is reported to have said:
When due process fails us, we really do live in a world of terror.
This transcript of Morcar's last words was delivered by courier...
I'm Dead - a friend came round to warn me of the approaching assassins and got the usual grilling b4 even a gun went round the locked door. I was in an adventurous mood so set a trap where I left the door unlocked and drew them into the largish room for a surprise! when they arrived early and shot me due to the fact my friend had let them in the building as he left!! Fluke thats all there is to it :)
Walking back from the sledge station I was grabbed and pulled down an unlit road by the extremely dangerous Simon James Ford. "In order to stay alive", I was told, "you must follow my instructions." So, he blindfolded me and we walked quite a way (maybe 15 minutes). My blindfold was taken off standing about five metres away from a white door numbered 27.
Simon moved up to the door, knocked and then moved to the side. The occupant called "come in", but the door was locked. As the occupant opened the door, I greeted him with a hello, as instructed. As this point Simon jumped out and shot him in the stomach.
This would seem like a reasonable kill, but the occupant then slammed the door and proclaimed not to have died. "The bullet missed" he claimed "it went right past me, I can see it here on the floor". These bullet things travel quite fast, and not only had me, Simon, and another witness seen the hit (and the bullet drop to the floor), but if it had missed the bullet would have been some five metres behind him on the floor, and he couldn't have seen it immediately as he proclaimed.
He refused to open the door, or give Simon the bullet back, so I was blindfolded again and forced to write this report. Thankfully I'm still alive. I had no choice, I would have been dead had I not co-operated.
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