Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 0 News

Saturday, 24 January

[05:00 AM] The Game Begins!

There are between a and b players, where a and b are co-prime. Solve a Diophantine equation to find c.

[09:00 AM] NO PIE?! There's NO PIE?! but WHY is there NO PIE?! Touch of Pink fails to provide PIE!
NO PIE?! reports:

The sun was high in the sky, so I, NO PIE?! happened to spy some guy by the by. Although NO PIE?! did try to make the guy die by making him un-dry, he did fly, and did lie low. "Fie, brie!" Says I to he. I did not cry. He did not see.

[10:00 AM] MrF missed an important bulletin on The BBC News
The BBC News reports:

Hello, and welcome to breakfast with The BBC News. The headlines this morning: [Dun dun] The 2009 Lent Term Cambridge assassins game gets underway, university students are told to keep their doors locked. [Dun dun] A police break-in discovers a weapons cache in the well-known high street shop, WHSmith, 3 men are arrested. [Dun dun] The British economy continues to slide, with �£1 now buying only 8 spider shoes.

Good morning. Gun and knife crime figure are set to rise again as the Lent Term 2009 game begins. Politicians have denounced the situation in Cambridge as 'unacceptable' and have called on the Prime Minister to tackle the burgeoning trade in rubber bands and sticky labels:

"The police are overworked with investigations, and the government is doing nothing to support them" said local MP David Howarth.

However, the Prime Minister responded that no-one had been killed yet this year, and more police officers would become available as the game continued.

Our correspondent searched out a known assassins to see how he would respond to this news, but he was sadly not in.

A sizeable weapons cache has been discovered in a shop on market street after a leak suggested that the management had been running an illegal arms trade. Sure enough, the police found over 2000 rubber bands and a number of other items which could be used as weapons. Three members of the senior management were arrested, and the court case is expected later this month.

[Later on the program] Reports about how the economic downturn affects the spider population, and the latest from the sports news, follow later today. However, now it's time to join our news teams...across the UK...bye for now.

[11:50 AM] Evelyn Brockmann(Charlotte Corday) is cleaned up by Mr Scrub, as You got Sarge'd watches from behind his door
Mr Scrub reports:

I have to report the sad demise of one young assassin, who'd taken the initiative most admirably, and this morning arrived outside the room of one You got Sarge'd. Unfortunately for the lady in question, Mr Scrub happened to be visiting his friend You got Sarge'd that morning, and was filled with early-game paranoia - so when he saw a mysterious figure outside the room of a friend who he remembered had previously played the game, and noted that she was brandishing a tube of toothpaste in a suspicious fashion, he took immediate sharp and pointy pen precautions.

You got Sarge'd reports:

Someone tried to turn the door handle in my room, so I leapt up ready, only to realise I HAD in fact locked the door. Waiting for them to leave, because there wasn't much I could do with them standing right behind the door, I started to wonder whether it was worth leaving them alone, at which point Mr Scrub ventured up the stairs. Seeing this person lurking with a tube of something, he realised they were a bearing assassin and stabbed them with a knife before they could realise I wasn't the only danger.

[13:00 PM] Jimbob Jones was not home, so his assailant could not T#%T it.
If it moves T#%T it reports:

I, If it moves T#%T it headed to the dreaded land that is [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. Upon Arriving I lurked outside the holding of Jimbob Jones for 20 mins.

[13:30 PM] Black Eyed Pete searched for assassins, but none were made to walk the plank
Black Eyed Pete reports:

Black Eyed Pete, having spent the morning doing lots of research on the people he had been charged with elimiating, left his humble abode and made his way towards [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] where he located the building thought to contain Rorschach. Unfortunatly there appeared to no way to gain access to the building so after lurking for a few minutes he moved on. His next stop was [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] where he found the residence of one Philby but on trying the door it was found to be locked and the occupant apparenly absent. Black Eyed Pete's next stop was [UNSPECIFIED_BOOKSHOP] where he purchased a book voucher for his sister's birthday. His final scheduled stop for the afternoon was at [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] where he managed to locate the appropriate staircase for Panthunter. Whilst lurking, he saw someone who may well have been his target so he followed but wasn't able to get a positive identification so decided against making the kill. As he left [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE], he happened to notice [NAME_REMOVED] and a possible second assassin whom he recognised but was unable to put a name to. They didn't notice him but they seemed to be walking with some purpose so he decided to follow. They walked to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] where they stopped at the Plodge and then passed through the college on their way to the residential section. Unfortunatly it was here that Black Eyed Pete lost them. He lurked for 10 minutes or so to see if they would re-emerge. They didn't, so he decided to call it a day and went home.

[14:00 PM] With karate I'll kick your ass, from here to right over there fails to end her target's Alcohilic life
With karate I'll kick your ass, from here to right over there reports:

I made an attempt at killing Alcohilic of [COLLEGE_REMOVED] college at around 2ish in the afternoon. I knocked on his door and when he opened it I fired a nerf dart at his head, it narrowly missed and when he realised what was happening he shut the door. I promptly left the building.

[14:00 PM] Go wanted by shooting Edward Ignatius Morland (Jaqen H'ghar) and Roseanna Pendlebury (The Poultrygeist)? wywwy?
Alicia Danks reports:

I had been reliably informed that [UNSPECIFIED_SOCIETY] were going to kill me on sight. So I may have, um, slightly shot [UNSPECIFIED_SOCIETY], a little bit. This was of course mildly embarrassing once it had been ascertained that [UNSPECIFIED_SOCIETY] had not in fact been planning to kill me (much) and that one of them had been carrying societal Testaments.

Jaqen H'ghar reports:

While wandering innocently to a society meeting today, confident in the fact that most of it's members had at least agreed not to shoot me I was ambushed by a crazed attacker leaping out of the shower. I was cut down in a second, cursing the fact that I was not the one carrying the bag with heavy society effects. Alas with my game over when it had barely begun I slid to the floor where I breathed my last.

The Poultrygeist reports:

At 2pm I fell fowl of Alicia Danks, hiding in the shower room ready to leap at people passing by it before even having the chance to inflict dreadful chicken jokes on anyone. This The Poultrygeist is not amused.

Assassins are reminded that they not shoot people who are not licit targets for them, whether they are playing or not. For shooting two illicit players, Alicia Danks is placed on the wanted list.

[15:00 PM] Nicholas Fullerton(Gilgamesh) was read his last rites
last rites reports:

last rites was meeting friends in the market when lo and behold, who was also there? Nicholas Fullerton met his end at the end of a knife between the ribs, a look of confusion on his face.

[15:30 PM] The The Joker strikes! Jack Oyston(The Evil Weevil) isn't laughing.
The Joker reports:

The Joker with his accomplice "Two-Face" snuck into Jack Oyston's empty room and waited for his return. Jack entered. "Why so serious?" asked The Joker. Jack collapsed to the floor with a knife in the chest and a smile on his face. Thanks, "The Joker".

[15:30 PM] Someone forgot that there are no bombs in this game.
Sicarius Clandestinus reports:

I got somebody to check my mail and it was a parcel that said 'FAKE FAKE BOMB' on the front and contained some rubber bands, bits of cardboard and a Christmas tree bauble, all covered with various scribblings. There was no name anywhere.

There are NO BOMBS in this game. This also extends to "fake bombs", "fake fake bombs" and any other derivatives. Anyone who sends a "bomb" to another player will be sanctioned very seriously. Players should also note that if an accomplice is killed whilst checking the player's mail, then that player will be made wanted, not the sender.

[17:05 PM] Michelle shows a killer instinct in his Rorschach(Steven John) test
Michelle reports:

Michelle, my bell. Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding. Tick tock. Bang.

[17:45 PM] Feeling blue(Francis Bleibel)? Must be because there's NO PIE?!
NO PIE?! reports:

NO PIE?! You mean there's NO PIE?! ZOMGZ there akshewally wus NO PIE?! WOOAH wtf what happen? Liek WHURS THE PIE!? Because of bein in a state of NO PIE?!, I wus FORCED to SEEK PIE ELSEWHERE!!!!!!1 Checkd in Queens' for some PIE!?, but there sure wusnt any PIE!? there. (apart from NO PIE?!, tbh.) But there wus a Francis Bleibel, so I eated him insted. :D lawl

[19:00 PM] Carnage occurs! Aaron Barker(a small child), Jonathan David Benwell(The Cameraman) and Jonathan Marten(The Dread Pirate LeChuck) all fall. Cupcake manages to escape.
a small child reports:

I received a call today just before 7pm from [UNSPECIFIED_ASSASSIN], informing me that 3 assassins were lurking outside of my room. Some friends and I armed ourselves and watched them leave my college. We followed them across the river, and I caught up with them and fired at them with my water gun, killing Jonathan David Benwell and Jonathan Marten, the assassin targetting me. Cupcake very prudently managed to avoid my fire. I returned to my room and opened the door, and did not notice the substance on my handle. Soon after I found a note under the door which read "you have been poisoned by touching your door handle", presumably left by the same assailants, and realised the handle had contact poison on it.

The Cameraman reports:

Attempted to kill Aaron Barker with contact poison. On exiting was followed and shot down by him.

The Dread Pirate LeChuck reports:

I regret to report that my career came to an abrupt end tonight, as I died at the hands of Aaron Barker. Water is refreshing on such a warm night.

[19:15 PM] Cupcake committed a heinous crime.
Cupcake reports:

On the night of the 24th at around 7:15 I went to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] to kill one Rhymnocerous. Finding him not in I left poison on his doorhandle and a note under his door.

Assassins should avoid contact poisoning doorhandles. Doing so will lead to being made wanted, and continued offences could lead to removal from the game. Benjamin Gibson has been made wanted for doing so.

[21:48 PM] Never stand too close to the Plodge! William Warman (Nightjar) is brutally murdered.
William P Brooks reports:

Lol death. Lololol. *Twillo would like to point out no innocents were killed in the making of this report*

Sunday, 25 January

[10:00 AM] Sunday mornings are a killer for Oliver Dominik Caspari (Gabriel Otto Dwarfsmith)
Josie Mitchell reports:

This morning I made the long trip to Homerton to knock on the door of a certain Oliver Dominik Caspari. I found him in his pyjamas, alive and well - but my toy gun soon dealt with that.

[11:00 AM] Adam Guterres, Coryan Wilson-Shah and Paul Tinton went on a poisoning spree. Jeremy Kneebone (Artichoke) fell afoul.

The umpire would like to re-iterate the rules, that contact poisoning of a doorhandles is a serious offence. Contact poisoning doorhandles will lead to being placed on the wanted list, and continued offences could lead to being removed from the game. Adam Guterres, Coryan Wilson-Shah and Paul Tinton have been placed on the wanted list.

The Umpire encourages all assassins to read the rules on contact poison carefully

[12:00 PM] William P Brooks's rampage burns away Daniel Peckham (The fireman)

[12:00 PM] Paul Tinton is a Duncan Stibbard Hawkes (Pain in the Assassin)

[12:10 PM] Lord Erebus narrowly escapes Adam Guterres
Lord Erebus reports:

Owing to extreme tiredness and carelessness I left my door ajar. This was realised when the door handle began to turn. Realising the danger, I grabbed a pistol and dived down behind the door as a massive machine gun appeared round it, and both of us fired round the door. I was saved by my positioning and his lack of ammunition, and after the hail over my head, I managed to shut the door. After a polite exchange, we ascertained that neither of us was dead, and I chivalrously returned his ammunition to him under the door. Hearing the sound of something being sprayed, I made sure (after the mystery assassin had gone) to wipe down the handle of the door!

A most remarkable and lucky escape for Lord Erebus. It however must be noted that it appears that the mystery assailant did in fact mow down an innocent when he apparently attacked the wrong room.

Seafarer Attic Butler King reports:

I then made an attempt on Lord Erebus. I shot 20 rounds of nerfy goodness around his door, which he was hiding behind while swiveling the gun around, but he told me he wasn't hit. He then failed to shoot an unpressurised squirt-type water gun around the door (it didn't seem to work upside down).

[12:40 PM] Sheepish kills his would-be assailant Charlie Schoonman (some loathsome individual whose name is not worth mentioning) and accidently kills his ally/target Mark Pendar-Bare (Heydar). Look Sheepish!
Sheepish reports:

Was woken up to a rather loud knocking on my tour, and spied a menacing looking girl outside the door. After a long time I realised I had to do something, called for backup, which didn't really work. So I cunningly blocked the door with an airer and let her in, only for one of my allies to walk in and for me to shoot him instead. Although coincidentially, he turned out to be my target. After her lethal syringe failed one of my deadly rubber bands finally avoided the doorframe and I took down my assassin.

some loathsome individual whose name is not worth mentioning reports:

It is my sad duty to report my premature demise. This morning, I decided to invade [UNSPECIFIED_LOCATION]. Sheepish, my target, was in his room and refused to come out and play. I decided to turn it into a war of attrition and wait until my target had to go to the toilet (or brunch, whichever he prioritised over his life). So I spent hours just waving at him whenever he went to check his spyhole. He was not amused. Eventually, having warned all his assassin friends of my presence, he started throwing and flicking things at me from behind his door. I fired my lethal injection and water gun at him, but due to his impenetrable fortifications did not manage to hit him. Finally, a rubber band caught me square in the face. It was a violent end to an epic siege. Bugger.

[13:00 PM] William P Brooks shot lots of innocents
I have no need of a pseudonym because I am going wanted (low redemption conditions please!) reports:

Friends, assassins, join the People's Republic of Cambridge!

For too long we have been repressed by our glorious umpire, but this must end. I am making an open plea for anyone who wants to join me. This is a simple task - all you have to do is go wanted, kill as many players as you can and agree to a no kill with us.

In return for this, we will extend our hand of freedom and generosity to you. You will not be killed by any of us, going around brutally shooting anyone and everyone. We will help you by giving you player info of people and possibly aid you in attacking others. We may even reward dedication with loans of powerful weaponry.

Want to join - It is simple.

A) Tell the Umpire you wish to be made wanted

B) Carbon copy the email you send to the umpire to me so we know you are one of us.

Then you are free... You are in the republic... Go out there and kill! Any person who slays one of our number shall be hunted down with full force. Attacks on the People's Republic of Cambridge shall not go unpunished.

*Only 4 innocents were harmed in the making of this report*

Players are reminded that shooting innocents deliberately is a serious offence, and that players should not encourage other assassins to do the same either. For shooting multiple innocents, and for encouraging other assassins to do likewise and to contact poison doorhandles, William Brooks is placed on the wanted list. The Umpire would like to encourage other players not to follow his example.

[13:00 PM] With karate I'll kick your ass, from here to right over there and If it moves T#%T it attempt to follow the heinous wanted criminals, but to no avail.
If it moves T#%T it reports:

Four people who were possibly from Girton were spotted vaselining the door of fellow assassin With karate I'll kick your ass, from here to right over there. We followed them as they left and until they entered Wolfson Court.

[14:00 PM] diavolo abile cuts down Netta Chachamu (the muffin man)
diavolo abile reports:

After half an hour of trying to work my way around [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE_1] to no avail, I (diavolo abile) ventured over to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE_2] to get my next target before she got into [UNSPECIFIED] I hid in an innocent man's room waiting for Netta Chachamu. Surely enough, within minutes, she was walking past and I darted, water was everywhere, and she was dead. Victory.

[15:00 PM] The Muffin Man ran out of muffins, so he snacked on a Elaine Oliver(mojito)
The Muffin Man reports:

The Muffin Man dished out some chocolate pain in New Hall today when Elaine Oliver was lured out of her den by a fellow accomplice (as the whole building was locked ¬_¬). After confirmation of her name - a shiny dagger pierced her flesh.

[16:00 PM] Adam Guterres beams Michael McCulloch (Scotty) to the grave.

[19:00 PM] The Muffin Man took down the nefarious criminal Paul Tinton (General Evil)
The Muffin Man reports:

Paul Tinton was assassinated whilst he was on the way to playing [UNSPECIFIED]. With the whole plan unfolding, The Muffin Man waited with his dagger around a corner... then finally - Paul was killed... gloriously.

[19:00 PM] David Reid (Sicarius Clandestinus) resigned from the game

[20:30 PM] Philip Hubbard takes on five assassins, but nobody is killed
This IS a gun in my pocket! reports:

"The Knight who say Ni", "With karate I'll kick your ass, from here to right over there", "USING ALL CAPS MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL", "This IS a gun in my pocket!" and "MrF" went to house belonging to [UNNAMED_COLLEGE] to search for Philip Hubbard.

Not in, but cycled past us. He was alerted to our presence, and came out with a water weapon. Exchange fire and chase, but no-one was hit.

Philip Hubbard reports:

Sooo...I was cycling back to my house when I saw a couple of suspicious looking guys loitering in the street. Making a mental note to do something if they moved any closer, I locked up my bike and went inside. Upon arriving, some friends informed me that two assassins had been asking after me only minutes before. Grabbing my gun, I went outside to teach these boys a lesson. However, as we started fighting in the street, I saw another person appear on the far side of the road; I ran towards him, shooting as I went, and he retreated slightly. One of the others then shouted something, and two more assassins appeared further up the street!

5 on 1 odds didn't seem great, but I wasn't going to give up, and so chased all 5 of them down the road for a bit (don't ask me why they were running away) and then sneaked into the bushes to try and come round behind them. After a bit more fighting and stand-off-ing, they left, and I went back home, my life intact.

Of course, I thought, there are no mafias in Cambridge. Then I read the latest reports.

[22:50 PM] William P Brooks attacks the police force, pigging Roseanna Pendlebury (Justice! Or at least doughnuts...)
I have no need of a pseudonym because I am going wanted (low redemption conditions please!) reports:

Lol police. Lololol. Join the Revolution! The Umpire is suppressing reports!

Monday, 26 January

[09:00 AM] Coryan Wilson-Shah takes down Chris Hands (Touch of Pink) and Aaron Barker(Richard "Somewhat Inimitable" Gibson). Who will stop him?
NO PIE?! reports:

The People's republic of Cambridge is open to everyone. Apart from those who, when asked whether they plan to kill you, respond with "not for a while." Thus, Aaron Barker sadly had to die.

Chris Hands was in the area, so I shot him too. lololol.

[12:00 PM] Elfboy shows his hand. Ben Gadsby (Josie Mitchell) is struck down
Elfboy reports:

On my rush though [UNSPECIFIED] at 12pm, who should I be lucky enough to spy but a certain Ben Gadsby, the very man I thought I was too late to find, slowly working his way though the crowd on a bicycle. HO HO! I chuckled, as a grin spread across my face. Sneakily sneaking through the crowded crowd, I greeted him with a watery spurt down his arm. As he did not take too kindly to this, claiming that limb shots do not kill (tut-tut!) I stabbed him in the chest as well for good measure! YAY! As he swore revenge (why do all my victims threaten to kill me later, its not very nice...) I promptly ran away giggling to myself. He will never catch me!

[12:00 PM] Sheepish strikes again, this time Joachim Cassel (diavolo abile) is his victim
Sheepish reports:

Via an extensive network of contacts (i.e. facebook) I managed to find someone acquainted with my target. After my lecture he betrayed him for an easy stabbing...

[17:15 PM] Some serious interactions occurred! Harry Huang (Peter Duffett-Smith) was the only casualty.
Jimbob Jones reports:

Attempt on my target Screaming Dove. Knocked on door, hid round corner, through extra door. Two friends sent out of room by target to find me. Having been lured out towards me and into opening the extra door by my heroic accomplice, I swivelled around the corner. I stabbed the one I believed to be my target having heard him speaking and it sounded like he was the assassin, he was not my target. He turned out to be another assassin (Harry Huang). Believing the remaining person, who had come out, was my target, I killed her too (she was an innocent, bugger!). Left area of residence with accomplice, but was directly followed by my target. Target and the two friends attempted to follow, we attempted to lay various traps/ambushes, however both failed and ended with no further developments.

Sheepish reports:

Went to help Alasdair Wilkins at [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE]. He knocked on targets door, and hid, and two people were sent out. From the way they were behaving, one seemed an assassin, So via a clever ruse I lured him to me, and then Alasdair stabbed. Alas! He was another assassin sent out to see who we were. Assuming the girl next to him was his target, Alasdair stabber her, an innocent. Cue chasing around the streets with the real target until we realised no-one was going to kill anyone.

Screaming Dove reports:

Around 5:15pm, I was present in my base with a friend and a fellow assassin, Harry Huang, discussing various plans for the night when suddenly we heard a very sharp knock. "Come in," I called...but no one came in. Suspicion hung in the air; all chatter ceased. I grabbed my knife and gun, and took to stealth mode. Opening the door, who did I find but no one there?!? In a fit of madness, my friends ran out - my fellow assassin did not even think to arm himself - before I could tell them to get back in so I could lock my door. Subsequently, they were ambushed in the landing by two men who killed them both.

I vowed vengeance, and promptly tailed the assassins but by then they had left, and were swallowed up by the darkness.

For the accidental shooting of an innocent, Alasdair Wilkins has been placed on the wanted list. Assassins should note that they may only shoot non-targets if they are bearing or are openly attacking you.

[19:30 PM] Holmes seeks out The Avuncular Troglodyte. Perhaps he is lost without his trusty assistant?
The Avuncular Troglodyte reports:

at aproximatley vii/XLV their was ii scharp nocks on my dore, an i ses CUM IN!!1! but they dint cum in they nocked so i ses it agen an they dont riply! so i ses aha this mus be a sassin! an i get my gun an i ses cum in! ones mor an they dint! so i locksed dor an ses i can wayt al niyt an i taps awaiy at facebuk! an peeples is cummin to get em i ses! an i gets anonimus blok to go luk an he wuz in th lobbi! an i waytd til ees gon awaye an is hangin owt winder lukin but i duno wich won wot left it wuz! an e gon.

i wuz alle ver egsitin! but is no ded an nors he but e god skerred an wen awaye cos of th blok nex dor.

The Avuncular Troglodyte

Holmes reports:

About 7.30, I rounded up a fellow assassin and went to kill off my first target, The Avuncular Troglodyte.

We couldn't get a glimpse of the target, and the paranoia slowly let us think we weren't in a very good situation. We scarpered.


[19:45 PM] The Joker knew Harry Steggles (The Muffin Man), so Elfboy killed him.
Elfboy reports:

Hehehe! Another one down... Killing is fun! On a COMPLETELY INNOCENT trip to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE], I happened upon a friend. Who happened upon another friend. Who I wanted to kill. But he was unsubtle and foolish in pointing out my target, and soon a knife was being drawn in my direction! EEK! SO I RAN AWAY! ...or did I? HA, I hides around the corner and shoostifies him! So now he is dead. HUZZAH!

The Joker reports:

Elfboy approached me and asked "Do you know The Muffin Man?", "The Muffin Man?", "The Muffin Man!". I replied "Yes I know The Muffin Man, who lives in [unspecified college]". I introduced the two gentlemen. The Muffin Man got soggy. The Joker

[20:00 PM] Some assassins fancied some Cupcake. They left hungry.
Cupcake reports:

My door was tried at 8pm this evening by a stranger in a long black coat. Doubting his claim that a visiting English PhD student would be recommended to me I denied him entry.

Michelle reports:

A couple of fellow assassins and I visited the wanted criminal Ben in Pembroke. Nothing too exciting happened.

[20:30 PM] Another wanted! Gordon Levine kills his target Jamie Goodland (Flash Kong), but accidently takes down Jane Aston (Turnus) in the process.
Saturn reports:

Accompanied by arva and Michelle, I proceeded to Flash Kong's room. The door was unlocked and I stepped inside to find him and a young lady called Jane, also an assassin (I found out later), beside an Eliot anthology and a copy of Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. Fortunately, my fifth shot took Goodland down. Unfortunately, my first four took Jane down, who wasn't bearing. Afterward, Michelle gave Goodland a humbug. Isn't s/he a sweetie?

For the accidental killing of a non-target, Gordon Levine has been placed on the wanted list.

Tuesday, 27 January

[02:00 AM] An anonymous bounty was placed!

Ahoy there Saylor Boyz-n-Girlz! In Yon Filibusteerrrring Tymes full of Rougues and Rascals and Republicans, I, "Cap'n Long John Silver'n'GoldRrrulesOK -- PlayVarsityeAssassins -- PlayVarrrrrsityeFirstWeekendeofMarrrrch -- BoarrrdLoot'n'Synkke'OtherrrUniverrrsityes'PrrryzeTrrreasureFleetes -- Parrotte -- Parrotte -- CutlassSwype'n'BlunderbussinyeFeaturrrrresGoGoCambrrrridgeVarrrrsity!!!"

do hereby Bountye wythe a Minorrr Nauticale Rrrrationne of Shyppe's Biscuittes EACH AND ALL USERRS OF LANDLUBBERRR PSEUDONYMS NONPYRATICALE (OR AT LEAST NONNAUTICALE). I also place a Substantially Larger Prize for the person who gets the most kills with ye Inflatable Parrot Product from the new Party-n-Fancydress Store just next to the Grrrafton Centrrre.

[08:55 AM] The streets of Cambridge are slightly safer as Adam Guterres (Seafarer Attic Butler King) is taken down. Read about it on The BBC News!
The BBC News reports:

BREAKING NEWS: The wanted criminal Adam Guterres has been assassinated. It is thought to have happened at about 8:55 this morning, just before he entered his lectures. Witnesses say the assailant approached on a bicycle then jumped over a wall, shooting Guterres in the back 3 times. However, no-one was able to provide an accurate description of him.

Mr. Guterres had previously been connected with a spate of poisonings around Cambridge, and is thought to have been a member of the criminal underworld group known as the PRC. Its members have been widely condemned for terrorist activities and threats towards anyone interfering with their plans. At least two leaders of the group are still at large, and the police are currently involved in tracking them down.

[10:40 AM] Lord Erebus guns down the corpse of Jane Aston
Lord Erebus reports:

Having come into knowledge of Jane's lecture timetable, I was able to innocently stand around at [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] until she emerged. A clean shot from 2 yards sufficed nicely.

Unfortunately, she told me that she had already been killed.

[12:00 PM] Kluke receives a poisoned envelope.
Kluke reports:

Return from morning lectures at noon, i decided to check my pidgeon hole. Not expecting any mail, i was surprised to see a brown envelope waiting for me. With my suspicions alerted, but not having any gloves on me at the time, i carefully picked up the envelope using my jacket sleeve as cover (at least one innocent witness can confirm this if necessary). Returning to me room, i dropped the package on the floor, and put on a pair of gloves. After shaking the letter to determine its contents, a small amount of white powder fell out (but without any skin contact). I have therefore not opened the letter.

[13:00 PM] Do away with Andrew Hobson (The Antagonised Ape)? That's What she said!
What she said reports:

I would like to report a murder most devious. As Andrew Hobson was making a casual walk home from his lecture at 1300 this afternoon, I happened upon him, and after pursuing stealthily for a minute or so, challenged him. Upon turning, a jet of my water hit him across the chest, ending his hopes of not dying for a bit. Here ends his story.

[13:15 PM] Duh duh duh....another wanted bites the dust! Alicia Danks (wywwy) is brought to justice by Baroque Obama, though not before dispatching Matt Hickford (dr -NIM)
Baroque Obama reports:

At around 1:15 I was alerted to the presence of notorious criminal Alicia Danks in the historic halls of Unspecified College, Cambridge; unfortunately, Matt Hickford was not as alert/paranoid as I and so was slain whilst I valiantly hid around a corner and waited for this heinous criminal to let her guard down. She did. I shot her.

wywwy reports:

In the name of the Blessed Mary, Saint John the Evangelist, and the Glorious Virgin Radegund!!

...or not.

[13:30 PM] William P Brooks kills again! Who will be The Artist (Thomas Martin Prince) of his demise?
I have no need of a pseudonym because I am going wanted (low redemption conditions please!) reports:

What could be a better bodyguard than something that's utterly confused about its own identity? Okay, don't answer that. Still, it'll serve you faithfully as long as you don't run out of ricerumbrainsoil.

[15:25 PM] Prometheus scorches Robert Rivera (Shadowgerbil).
Prometheus reports:

A great man once asked: "What can be finer than killing on a sunny afternoon?" I believe this to be the thought running through the heads of my brothers in arms as they knocked upon my door but a few hours ago proposing to make a foray into the dens of numerous fiends we wished to see the last of. We split up into pairs, and, with my comrade, I ventured forth into the hideout of my target, one Robert Rivera. Now, this is a man I had attempted to end some days ago, only to be foiled by circumstance - not that he realised, of course. My networking had paid off well, and I entered this inauspicious man's territory with confidence that I would find some helpful friend to aid me in coaxing him out of his room (possibly in exchange for a muffin). My expectations were fulfilled, and I climbed the stairs to his residence with confidence. Surely enough, the poor fool granted instant access to his abode, and was duly repaid for his foolishness - with bullets.

But hark! This was not to be the end of the tale for my colleague or for me! No sooner had my mark fallen than I felt the rushing of wind past my brow. I span to find myself confronted with a heavily armed brute threatening me through the open door across the narrow hallway. Needless to say, we fled. I could feel projectiles rushing past my legs, hitting the wall where my head had been moments before, endangering my life. I fired off a few shots of my own, but our attacker was not to be so easily defeated. My companion exited towards the stairwell, while I made for a turning at the end of the corridor, only to be met with a few steps, a pair of corners and a dead end. I took a few vital moments to reload and resumed firing around the corner, taking occasional glances towards my assailant's location and throwing a knife between shots. But there seemed to be no chance of my hitting the evildoer before he could duck back through his doorframe. Thus, I turned to my next weapon: reason. A quick check of the statutes confirmed to him my assertion that with my weapons secreted away I would no longer be a viable target. And so we exchanged a friendly greeting and parted ways.

Next, to my comrade's target. We navigated the winding alleys and twisted stairwells to find her dwellings abandoned. We thought to return another day.

A rendezvous with our brothers took my friend and I on to our next task - revenge for our fallen allies, who had been taken from us without cause by two heartless curs whose deaths we sought to hasten. But alas, they proved themselves cowards by battening down the hatches and staying safe behind locked doors. Well, we knew ourselves the better men, and saw no reward or success to be had in attempting to tempt the villains from their lairs. Sensing the wary eyes of other men of arms, we beat our hasty retreat, and after this I regret to say my associates and I parted ways. I have yet to hear of their exploits in further missions of death, and they have yet to hear of mine in Sainsbury's.

My name is Prometheus, but my enemies shall know me as the bringer of fire.

[16:00 PM] I heard there was a secret NO PIE?!. Adam Morgan (Peregrine) didn't.
NO PIE?! reports:

Lesson time, kiddies!

Today we're going to learn how to not get shot. Staying dry is a subtle art, but here are the three best ways to avoid a watery demise:

1) GO WANTED and join the flippin' revolucion! It's easy (some suggestions can be found on the "rules" page) just don't shoot any innocents! Open to all :D 2) Never be in a state of NO PIE!?, or you will basically be nomm'd 3) As an additional precaution, avoid being Adam Morgan

That's all for now. Next time: 1001 things to do with your giant cuddly pikachu and a pot of contact poison! Don't miss!

[19:00 PM] Another anonymous bounty. Who will claim the ptreasure?

"King Pteppicymon XXVIII (no welation)" has issued the following edict.

Ptwillo is not like a ptewodactyl, he's too ptiny and his ptwigger fingers don't pack ptwohundwed guns concuwently despite wumouws concewning his expenidtuwes. Ptwillo is more like a ptewowist and a ptwoll ie a petwol-owiented tewowist and a twoll on patwol awowl. Thewefowe I place on him a bounty of ptwo ptwix baws, a ptuwkish delight ptway and a ptankard of ptetleys.

[19:30 PM] The Author writes the postscript for Yi Luo (Screaming Dove)
The Author reports:

The immortal known only as "The Author" writes for eternity, attempting to compose the perfect novel. This evening, his minions assisted him by leading a bounty hunter after his head into a trap. For some foolish reason, she trusted them, and shortly after she knocking on his door, he strode up behind her and wrote her out of this mortal coil with his pen...

Screaming Dove reports:

I am to report my sad demise at the hands of the target The Author, whom I went to stake out tonight. It was approximately 7:30pm, and a few nights ago, I had made a plan with a contact, which would ultimately result in his death. Unfortunately, too late it was that I realised I had been double-crossed, and I was stabbed.

[21:00 PM] Rhymnocerous refuses to suckmyrocket
suckmyrocket reports:

Last night I spent a considerable amount of time awaiting Rhymnocerous at his abode. Regretfully he failed to show up and endorse his own funeral.

I will return.

Peace. Unity. Brotherhood. Cake.

Wednesday, 28 January

[10:00 AM] Joseph Reed ends Luke James Montgomery Robins (The Author)'s novel.
If it moves T#%T it reports:

At 10.00 this morning outside the [UNSPECIFIED_DEPARTMENT] where I espied the foul scum that was Luke James Montgomery Robins. I had particular hatred for this character after the actions that he wrought upon my fellow assassin Yi Luo. I leapt upon with my trusty weapon and fired several rubber bands into his spine. I realise that these actions may make we a criminal but I could not allow him to further his violent onslaught.

For shooting a non-target, Joseph Reed has been placed on the Wanted list.

The Author reports:

The world had changed since The Author had seen it last. Distracted by this strange new 'physics', the immortal had let down his guard. Two shots fired into his back in vengeance for the death of the bounty hunter he had slain the night before. The Author pulled his broken body from the scene, his pride wounded as much his self. He would return.

[12:00 PM] Careless talk costs lives! Or at least your own, in the case of Thomas Alexander (This IS a gun in my pocket!)
You got Sarge'd reports:

I managed to work out that Thomas Alexander was targeting me today, after they disclosed some information to someone next to me that could only relate to me (although obviously didn't realise who I was sitting next to them). This all occurred in an OOB area, so I had to be patient

Planning things out, I retrieved an appropriately labelled French baguette cosh and found him out on the way to the next lecture, using informants to keep an eye on where he was. I knocked him out with the baguette, then stabbed him with a kife. Turns out he didn't recognise me, despite a previous encounter, but was indeed after me.

To be fair, I think he got Sarge'd

[13:00 PM] Another kill for Coryan Wilson-Shah in Harry Robinson (That was unexpected...). Can't say That was unexpected...
NO PIE?! reports:

HOT DAMN! The builders are doing parkour outside my window. Seriously.

[14:00 PM] Clearly The Unsubtle Menace was being quite subtle, as they elude Marvin
Marvin reports:

Wednesday afternoon, I investigated the residence of The Unsubtle Menace. Finding the outer door unlocked I wandered in and had a little snoop around the corridors. Finding nothing much interesting, I left to return better prepared another day...

[16:15 PM] Gordon Levine has a good plan, and gets the licit kill need for redemption, disposing of Alex Guttenplan (Philby)
Saturn reports:

Alex Guttenplan ought to have remembered that assassins, like so many other shady characters, type one-handed. As it was, he took two in the chest before laying one on his gun.

Gordon Levine will be taken off the wanted list when the assigned time period has elapsed. Until then, he remains a licit target for all players and police.

[16:30 PM] The Avuncular Troglodyte deflates Theo Sanderson (Inflatable Mongoose)'s attempt
The Avuncular Troglodyte reports:

My dearest umpire, Through a clever ruse, I have just dispatched my would-be assassin, Theo Sanderson. He thought to catch me unawares, entering the building with the aid of an accomplice, but I was too quick; dodging his hastily thrown attack-puppy, I followed him from the room and, as he leaped with outstretched knife, dealt him a lethal bang-shot from my golden gun. The brief encounter has left me inexplicably with a small bruise to the right arm, however. Yours with greatest admiration, respect and unparalleled sexual desire, The Avuncular Troglodyte

[18:00 PM] Perhaps the lack of pie finally got to Coryan Wilson-Shah (NO PIE?!), as he killed by If it moves T#%T it, though not before kicking the ass of Foysol Miah (With karate I'll kick your ass, from here to right over there).
If it moves T#%T it reports:

At 6.00 tonight inside [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] I assassinated Coryan Wilson-Shah. I had heard the cries of my fellow assassin Foysol Miah, and realising that I was to late to help him, I picked up my comrades and slay the beast where he stood. I have following message to all those who do not the follow the Cause of the Republic.

Ho good people of Cambridge, lend me your ears. Do you live in constant fear of the Republics action, do you fear every turn in the road in anticipation of the traps that may have been set? If so then join the followers of Twatism, support the umpire, and destroy the Republic.

NO PIE?! reports:

For killing the dangerous criminal Coryan Wilson-Shah, Joseph Reed's redemption conditions have been reduced to two days on the wanted list.

[18:30 PM] The Joker's misunderstanding of licit targets fails to amuse Matthew Evans (last rites).
last rites reports:

Gerard 'The Joker' was flashing a weapon about at lunch, so I attempted a kill, but he just managed to dodge my attack and then hide the weapon.

He obviously considered me a threat since he then shot me at dinner. I was not displaying a weapon and I am not one of his targets, neither is he one of mine, so as far as I am aware he should be made Wanted.

Assassins are encouraged to make sure they are aware of who they can legally kill. For making an illicit kill, Malachy Gerard Higgins has been made wanted.

[19:20 PM] Michelle takes out the trash, disposing of Adam S.Backer (Dan The Garbage Man)
Michelle reports:

I want you, I want you, I want you. I think you know by now I'll get to you somehow.

Thursday, 29 January

[04:00 AM] It's another arrrrnonymous bounty!

Deaaarrrr Umpiarrrrrr,

It has come to my arrrrtention (I'll stop now) that there are various assassins in Cambridge attempting to recruit members to their 'revolution'. However! We all know that there is only one true revolution - the Dance Dance Revolution. As such, I am offering a voucher, redeemable for 25p off a bag of Sainsbury's basics bananas, to the first person to assassinate any member of a revolution that does not involve two lots of Dance.

If any members of revolutions wish to prove that they should not be targeted, they should submit evidence that they are at least doubly Dance inclined.

[09:55 AM] Is this the end for twatism? Joseph Reed (If it moves T#%T it) can't move fast enough.
Sheepish reports:

Tennis court road. The scene of a cunning ambitious. I hide up the road, waiting to spy Joseph Reed, who was not going to get away with his intimidation of us. Yet! He does not walk, as assumed, but cycles. However, Jimbob Jones is faster than any bike, and slays him.

Jimbob Jones reports:

I have killed the wanted criminal, and one of the assasins who has me as their target, Joseph Reed. I had gradually picked up information by listening in and looking through the peep-hole when he thought I wasn't in and finally worked out the route he would be WALKING down between lectures. Me and my accomplish Sheepish lay in wait, me further down the road. Sheepish would call me when he saw joe WALKING down and I would follow him and kill him. However, nothing ever goes to plan, I get a call saying "HES ON A BIKE!!". I quickly go down to the side of the road to see him zoom past on a bike. Without thinking my legs take off and I start running down the middle of the road cashing after the bike, with all the students walking between lectures staring at me, utterly buffuzled. Luckily I was just fast enough to be able to catch up to the bike within a short 80m distance, before my lack of stamina could kick in, and quick as a flash a knife plunged into his side and it was all over.

Alasdair Wilkins has now redeemed from the wanted list.

[12:00 PM] The reckless criminal William P Brooks (I have no need of a pseudonym because I am going wanted (low redemption conditions please!)) is finally taken down! What havoc will he now cause within the police force?
Gordon Levine reports:

Straight-forward wetwork: Twillo's dead. I lurked in a stairwell outside his lecture-hall, he walked straight past me, I plugged him twice in the back. Didn't even have time to twitch.

For helping to clean up the streets of Cambridge, Gordon Levine's redemption has been brought forward, and he is no longer on the wanted list.

[12:15 PM] Joseph Reed's not having a good day, this time shot by Neither am I
Neither am I reports:

In retribution for the death of a fellow PRC member, I have mutilated the corpse of Joseph Reed. His family cannot continue with their plans for an open coffin funeral. Let it be known - Umpire lackeys will not be tolerated.

[13:00 PM] A lack of Cupcake leaves ScienceFictionDoubleFeature hungry for more (more, more, more...)
ScienceFictionDoubleFeature reports:

attempted some lunchtime lurkage of Ben Gibson at Pembroke but he was not to be found and the porters gave me dodgy looks so i bid a hasty retreat! damn my elusive targets

[16:00 PM] Dora the explorer has a spring in their step, eliminating John Shirley (grasshopper)
Dora the explorer reports:

John Shirley was carelessly milling about in his room when he heard a knock at the door. Grabbing a weapon he cautiously opened the door only to be pounced on by yours truly who brandished a gun and shot him directly in the stomach.

[16:30 PM] There may me no more muffin men, but baking muffins leads to Julie Chan (knawit)'s demise.
Sidhe reports:

Upon scouting around my target's building, I noticed that they had extremely good gyp rooms. I also enjoy cooking. I therefore knocked upon my target's door, and asked if I could use her kitchen, so that I could bake cookies.

For some reason quite unknown to me, she appeared somewhat suspicious, and refused to open the door by more than about a fraction of an inch. This somewhat discouraged me from attempting to stab her.

She also didn't appear to believe my story about cookies.

Most assassins are vicious, psychopathic liars. I, however, am merely vicious and psychopathic. I therefore went to her gyp room and proceeded to bake cookies.

I then proceeded to offer her a cookie, however she refused to come into the kitchen to get one.

Apparently she still didn't believe my story about cookies.

I am persistent.

Two days later, I came back.

This time, I baked muffins. Fortune was evidently smiling upon me, for as soon as I took the first batch pout of the oven, my target walked past. She saw me actually baking, and must have realised immediately that she had misjudged me over the cookies incident. I opened the door, walked closer, and offered her a muffin.

What I actually gave her was a knife, of course, but I gave her a muffin afterwards.

Advice to future targets: don't write a "Comment" in Varsity in the week when the Assassins game begins. I found your viewpoint interesting, however, I found the photo of you even more so.

[17:30 PM] Some police try to clean up the streets of Cambridge, but again Benjamin Huw Gibson proves elusive.
a horrible drunken accident involving a marrow, a "woman", a "boy",a suspicious green bag and a scary, scaly thing making RAAAAAWR noises. reports:

Despite the recent bad behaviour in Cambridge, people have thus far managed to avoid a horrible drunken accident involving a marrow, a "woman", a "boy",a suspicious green bag and a scary, scaly thing making RAAAAAWR noises..

[17:50 PM] Black Eyed Pete remains treasureless.
Black Eyed Pete reports:

Black Eyed Pete arrived at [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] with the aim of eliminating Panthunter. He made his way through the college, passing many people on their way to enjoy their evening meal. Walking along a passage he noticed someone who he thought may have been his target going the other way, however he continued with his pre-arranged plan. Upon arriving outside Panthunter's room he tried the door but it was locked and the light appeared to be off so he decided to lurk for a while. After about 10 minutes he moved on, heading to the buttery to see if the elusive target could be found there. As he walked in, he saw the person who he had noticed earlier and headed over to her, asking if she was [ASSASSIN_NAME] she replyed that she wasn't but she knew [ASSASSIN_NAME] but not of her whereabouts. Not wanting his face to be lingering too long for fear of it being remembered, Panthunter apologised and left swiftly, heading to [UNSPECIFIED_SUPERMARKET] to pick up a few items.

[21:15 PM] NINJA Elfboy showed off his moves on James Wilkinson Barwise (Albi The Racist), who dispatched of Anthony Price (What she said)
What she said reports:

Upon returning from formal, after several rounds of pennying, a voice from the gyp asked if a friend was me, I scarpered and attempted another assault. Upon second attempt, a disputed shooting occured, although a fellow assassin was with me to avenge. The dispute led to pistol dualling, which after 3 rounds lead to no success, so mop dualling followed. 10 minutes later, I refused the offer of best of three whilst lying bleeding heavily on the floor of my own landing. Unfortunately tonight, that wasn't what she said...

NINJA Elfboy reports:

I was summoned this evening by an ANONYMOUS TIPSTER when an assassin came a-lurking on my staircase. How RUDE! When I found out he was hunting my friend and not me (EVEN RUDER!)I decided to teach him a lesson. NINJA STYLE! (I am ninja now, yes :D) I NINJAed out of my room, NINJAed over to where they were discussing something, (I cared not what, I was being NINJA!), NINJAly saw he was still bearing, and NINJAed him in the face with my NINJA-GUN! NINJA-TASTIC!

But as they had no idea who had actually killed who, (they did not have NINJA powers, and so were confused), they had an epic duel with a shootout (with water guns) on the grass and fencing (with mops...) in the hall. It lasted hours, but eventually the ZOMBIE (read: dude I has NINJAed) got some small moral victory. So everyone was dead. Apart from me. For I am NINJA. YESH!

Albi The Racist reports:

Post-Formal Pistols...

On learning that my target What she said was at a Formal Hall tonight, I concealed myself in his gyp room and waited for him to stagger back. He was however preceded by a friend, whose shock of surprise upon seeing me there alerted my target, who preceded to run away.

All I could do was hide in the gyp. When someone came to open Tony's room, he claimed to be Tony, and so I shot him there and then. The real Tony emerged and we fired at each other. Then, a fellow assassin emerged and shot me. I was certainly dead, but had I killed Tony?

A gentleman's dual was arranged to determine Tony's fate. And so on the outside grassy courts, we did dual with pistols. A victor did not emerge. We consented to fence, and fence we did, with my assassin umpiring. I emerged victorious, and Tony was slain. That night was a night of losing...

Friday, 30 January

[10:00 AM] Michelle's special letter is successfully nullified by Benjamin Huw Gibson
Cupcake reports:

Had a suspicious letter in my Pidge this morning, so (wisely) opened it with gloves. It was an attempt by Michelle to poison me...with talcum powder.

[13:20 PM] The Soviet Samurai is left disappointed by a lack of Sulphane, but I'm sure his nose isn't.
The Soviet Samurai reports:

The way of the Party states, "Comrade put on your assassination list, not much of a Comrade." Thus I infiltrated Sulphane's hideout to find out he wasn't even hiding there... You can rest in peace for now comrade, but one day my blade will disturb you... in a fatal manner....

[14:00 PM] Isha lacks sufficient latin to find Cogito Ergo Femina Sum
Isha reports:

Assassination attempt made on Cogito Ergo Femina Sum but they were out.

[15:00 PM] Joseph Reed is mutilated again! This time Ernesto is the culprit
Ernesto reports:

Whilst strolling through the selwyn area this afternoon, I thought I'd pay a visit to the wanted Joseph Reed, only to find myself mutilating a day old corpse.

[16:00 PM] Banana Flavour does not mix with Ginger, whilst Malachy Gerard Higgins remains elusive.
Banana Flavour reports:

I tried Malachy Gerard Higgins's door, but he either cowered inside or wasn't in. I also went to try Ginge's door, but there were people talking in the corridor (I knew neither of them were him). I made an excuse and walked away, I tried later, but they were still there.

[19:00 PM] Kluke can't lure out Prometheus. Perhaps he should go to the store to get more fire?
Kluke reports:

At around 7pm today i knocked on the door of Prometheus. Only realising that i hadn't thought of a plan how to get in until after he asked me who i was, i tried the door, but it was locked. This was followed by a quick run to behind a nearby door, where i waited to see if he would come out, but alas, the 'plan' failed.

[20:00 PM] Playtime is over for Malachy Gerard Higgins (The Joker). What me? No, I'm not corrupt. takes him down.
What me? No, I'm not corrupt. reports:

No-kills are there for a reason, breaking them leads to consequences. The upstanding officers of the People's Republic of Cambridge cannot sit idly by while alliances are broken. Let this serve as a warning for traitors everywhere.

The Joker reports:

I set off with What me? No, I'm not corrupt. at 18:45 today and went to try and find my targets, but a series of events conspired against us so we didn't see any of our targets. Me and Paul then went back to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE], we locked our bikes and just outside the bike sheds Paul shot me with a water pistol.

[20:00 PM] Richard "Solvent Insurer" Gibson fails to account for Sidhe and Holmes, despite assistance from arva
arva reports:

We went to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE_1] for Sidhe, but no reply, and also to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE_2] for Holmes, and, after taking ages to find his staircase, he also didn't appear to be in.

Saturday, 31 January

[03:00 AM] Benjamin Huw Gibson has run away to Yorkshire for the weekend!

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