The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

The assassination went exactly according to plan. The training paid off. Act natural and hit them when they are at their weakest. Surely he didn't expect someone carrying groceries to just come and kill him. So as he opened the door slightly, I forced myself in and before he could think of any action to undertake I planted my trusty knife, with the imposing name good knife, in his chest. He was dead before his body hit the floor. I fled the scene before anyone else noticed.

"Slaves in seas of thorns we drown,

Come on down to Cambridge town.

The Maze, it creaks and the hearts they pound,

Come on down to Cambridge town.

Think yer protected by yer plate and mail?

Riding right into the rising gale?

Push that horse harder, cause I'm on your tail.

Cambridge's bloody cry."

Heya there, Kingy.

Gotta say, I find it kinda funny what yeh pulled today. That 'Mandos' guy was... interestin to work with... basically, you gave me a babysitter who... well, we'll get on to that. Also, spent a while workin with some other guy who I mighta taken a likin to, even if he did mistake me for an old ally of mine when we first met.

Alright, alright, let's get to it.

So, gobbo, when I said 'give me a challenge', what I meant was give me something worth my time... not 'give me three possible things, all of which are easy and almost pointless to do, but which would take hours'. I'm interested in being given something that will make me think, not in bloody well being told to do something mind numbing that just takes time.

I guess I sorta fell into obscurity cause of that until just now.

Let's fix that.

So, I showed up to your little event, figured it might be worth my time... got added to a little group, and you even gave Mandos instructions on what to do if I started running... cute... as if he could stop me in a fair fight. We've crossed paths before and the only time he's beaten me beyond doubt is when I was... let's call it 'distracted'. Either way, had an armful of things I couldn't afford to drop kinda made it difficult to fight back. The other times... it ain't been like that.

Right, right, current things.

So, first guy we hit was whatshisface from whoknowswhere. Err... let's go with Nissassa for his name. Ok, so, I'll give you that Mandos was useful here. I was gonna try my usual tricks, but the guy disappeared off into the hedge and returned a moment later with the guy's wife.

Not my usual style, but hey, it ain't like I'm above usin that sort of thing.

Suffice to say, he was delighted to open his door. Once I had line of sight to the guy, it took nothing more than a click of my fingers to excite the energy in the air.

I've heard people call what I use a crossbow... the idiots apparently can't figure out the difference between a crossbow and a magical resonance amplifier that... ok, it was a crossbow until I enchanted the heck out of that thing... alright, had a friend enchant it, but... the result is the same. Point being, a crossbow shoots people and they die... I shoot people and anything from a minor stun to their innards being splattered over the far wall can happen.

Let's just put it this way... Whatshisname is dead now.

I don't blame you for makin the monster out of me, kingy... others did that way before you. Don't worry... with the wish I intend to make, it'll be worth it in the long run. But I do have to take out the others first... in the grand scheme of things, their deaths will be worth it... I hope.

They'd better be.

Anyway, one lesson to be learned from this... love is just about the most dangerous emotion out there. Reject it when you can, fear it when you cannot, it'll be the undoing of all of us... even me... some day, somebody else's love is going to kill me, I reckon.

Right, right, onwards.

Well, usin the little power yeh lent us, we decided to save some time and mesmerise a guy into letting us into a building.

Sadly, the next guy was... more difficult. I mean, I probably would have got him, but, as he opened his door, one of the folks you set me up with jumped in front of me and knocked off my aim.

So... yeah. He got his door closed and if I wasn't mistaken, there was a spell of fortitude and holding cast on that portal. Coulda probably busted through the wall, but... that sort of thing tends to attract more attention than I like having. Besides, if he knew those spells, who was to say the inside wasn't laced with exploding runes. Just... not worth the risk.

One of us watched that door, just in case, while the others went on for the next guy.

Oh, that last guy was 'Rafterman', by the way.

Anyway, next guy... I gotta say a few things here.

So, firstly, there was about no security on his door... I... it always amazes me how often people simply don't keep emselves safe when they know others are after em.

Seriously, Mandos even checked for magical traps while I scanned for physical ones... nothing.

So, we burst in and...

Mandos miscasts.

I mean, the guy's meant to be one of yer best and he just fizzles. I mean, I guess it could have been something in the air, but with the burnout of that spell makin him incapable of castin for a moment, that left just me to deal with this.

... yeah, there is literally nothin to worry about.

I am impressed with one thing though.

The guy dodged the first crystal I fired at him, then threw up an obscuring shield. I mean, sure, I could have dispelled it instantly, but this was getting interesting. He reached for his back pocket and dove forwards, using his furniture for cover from me.

It was actually... pretty well executed.

Until he failed to get whatever it was from his pocket.

Another disappointment... one that was real promising, but a disappointment, none the less.

He was maybe two seconds from killing Mandos, but, that could have been an eternity for all I cared. I mean, it's not like I'm all that attached to yer minion.

But... eh, the guy seemed like a decent sort.

There was a click, then a snap, then Anon was no more.

Eh, he might be back. That is... one thing that makes this easier. Yer minions... death isn't always the end, down here.

Big Benis wasn't in... so, good for him, I guess. Watching Mandos panic at a civilian was kinda fun though.

At this point, I figured I should let the others take some of the action.

Lord Geoffrey the Second, we ran into out of pure coincidence... Mandos got him a few moments before we encountered you again, right Kingy?

Swinging through another place, one I'd been a few times before, the other two dealt with Magnifique. Reckon that our other friend got that one.

Ok...

Now, gobbo, I got... well, I got a complaint to make.

Yer so called 'general' has all the planning, communication and subtlety skill of a brick that somebody strapped a loud whirring siren to and then set on fire before throwing it through about seven windows.

See, their door was open and they were havin a conversation with somebody else. I figured this out, exchanged looks with the other two, our friend whose name I ain't sure of nodded once at me, and I figured Mandos knew what was goin on too.

The trick would be not to spook em.

Ellavorn or something was their name...

Anyway, I cast a concealment spell on my amplifier, ran a hand over my face, adjusting its profile to be a little less... well, me... you know, just in case my reputation proceeded me, then... well, started to walk. Figured I could walk past the two talking figures, then turn and fire.

This plan, I figured, was generally understood by everybody involved.

Apparently not... cause I've walked about halfway down the hallway, being about 3 paces from where I'll have a decent firing position when yer 'general' barges past me at full sprint, weapon clearly visible in his hands.

Ok, let me paint yeh a picture here... because of the angles involved, yeh did have to make it past the guy she was talkin to before yeh had a shot.

I reacted as quick as I could, but it's not like I could get past both the civilian and yer chief of police to get a decent shot... not without bouncing off the ceiling and going over em, which... well, it just felt like a waste of energy. Seriously, this target wasn't worth 'that' much effort.

So, they got away.

Yeah...

TheRabbitMan was... ok, I like his name, I'll give him that much. His style of leaving his door unbarred... not so much.

I... actually missed my first shot.

I ain't proud of it, but I did. He didn't dodge, nothin like that, I just missed.

I corrected that with my second, third and fourth.

Also, he had his brother in there and we spent a while wonderin whether or not he was gonna try and attack us. The two seemed... real quiet... not too strange for a corpse, I guess, or for a guy who just watched his brother get 'crossbowed', but... eh, maybe I just expect more.

Ok... ok...

So, at this point, I really did feel like I was takin too many of the kills from the others. So, again, I watched the back while the other two took out another guy.

Around this point, we met up with an old friend of mine... I mean, we also duelled to the death once, but isn't that what friends do for each other?

Almost wanted to stick around, but... Well... places to be, dungeons to raid, innocent villagers to save from marauding monsters... can't spend all of my time figurin out yer maze, gobbo.

Oh... I got a few things to say to a few folks.

Lucifer... pleasure teh have a chance to talk to yeh again... at least, assuming this is the same incarnation that I dealt with before... nothing personal, but I've always wanted to hit the devil in his perfect teeth... maybe we can work something out some time... yeh seem like somebody fun teh meet if nothin else.

Ser Marlo and Lord Farquaard, you two are... interestin to watch. Please, keep it up... I mean, I guess you'd think of me as a magical creature, but it's not like I have any reason to be really scared of either of yeh... heh, this is the point where Ser Marlo takes me out in short order, ain't it?

Ok, ok, nearly done, I swear.

Haruto Amo... been a while... wonder if yeh still think of me as a friend or not. I sure as hell don't want to be somebody who isn't one of yer friends if I remember yer way of thinking right.

M... dragon slayer, eh? Might be interestin to see what yer really made of some time.

Atub Juhurub... showing us all the proper meaning of ‘trust and friendship'. Thanks for reminding me.

Mine and nobody else's

Alder Skrilth, the dreamless.

In a land of myth and a time of magic, I spotted our General of the Goblin Army, Mandos, and a few of his associates as they were storming the entrance of the cave where I have been camping out in the labyrinth, they assured me I was not to die by their hand today. I asked to join them in their quest to slay the unworthy and they accepted. So I joined them for a while and as they struck down several incompetent fools I cast protective spells to ensure their safety.

After two weeks of not doing a lot, it was time to rustle up an incobash squad and kick some goblin, uh, heads. Under the strong police protection of Scared, Potter? and Mr Resourceful, we first had some troubles getting past security at [COLLEGE REDACTED]. Moving on, it was onto a horrifically ugly building where two incos didn't seem to be in, but we destroyed STELZERMIESTER with Scared, Potter?'s sword of Gryffindor. Our next college had but one inco and once again he seemed out. We accomplished some other errand and then went to a college containing 7 of them. Out, out, out, back to the first one, oh wait she's in now, Mr Resourceful got songbird. Next we came to a building with weird showers and Sir Agravain The Guilty, who let his roommate go to an interview before Scared, Potter? pastied him, and on our way back we tried three more people who didn't answer their dumb door buzzer things.

One day I'll actually kill someone. I hope.

'Diary Log, Day 14:

Every day I ask myself how a Warlock of such power and prestige has found his way into the Labyrinth? What could he hope to gain? Decades of deals and building my power, so what could Jareth have offer me?

It all started with a deal, the prize was too tantalizing, the stakes too high for me to ignore it. An item of exceptional value, hoarded away by the Goblin King. All I have to do is end his pitiful life.

Seems simple enough. And so, I find myself wandering the Labyrinth, an onlooker to the vile butchery happening each day. It is not in my nature to dirty my hands with blood and bile and everything else that comes with death. Why draw the knife yourself when there are the feeble minded to do it on your behalf?

Who am I to talk... it seems the Labyrinth is getting the better of me and the Goblin King could feel it too. Jareth came to me, offering a deal I could not refuse or barter with: my life, or the life of another.

I am no fan of a deal if it is not in my favour, but surrounded by the Goblin Army, I was in no position to turn it down.

And so his Goblin Army led me to [COLLEGE REDACTED], put a gun in my hand and watched as I was forced to shoot Samwelltheslayer. Barbaric, in my opinion, but fun nonetheless. It has given me an excellent idea, however. I do not pride myself on strength, or agility. Persuasion is where I excel. Jareth seems a reasonable Goblin, one who recognises my merits and power.

I will win his favour, and then I will end his life. Or... who knows? Maybe we'll make a deal.'

After a slightly successful, but very wet, series of attempts I returned to my residence to eat.
As I did so I saw one of the many people who had decided not to try and solve the labyrinth.
I immediately went after him, but lost him as he entered a building.
The door had been locked, but a simple incantation had it open, and the chase could continue.

I cornered him, unarmed, in a small room, where I drove a dagger into his chest.

Dear Sirs,

I would like to report another failure to procure one of the specimens you have asked me to provide. I apologise humbly for this failure and ask for your patience - it appears that the species I have been tracking lately is neither active during the day and is not nocturnal. I have no idea what its sleeping schedule is, as it appears to rarely visit its nest.

One of my sleeves was ruined the other day by Arachild Mollusk acid. Fortunately, I had a spare shirt, but I should like to reiterate that the wasteland you have sent me to contains little civilisation and precisely no tailors.

Your loyal servant,

Hutmann

I went up and knocked at Stephen of Blois's room and found he wasn't in. In an attempt to ensure that he wasn't just not answering knocks, I snuck in to his room (which was unlocked) but he wasn't there. I left after 5 minutes.

I had just gone to the [COLLEGE REDACTED] Bop to scout out my target Lucifer, to no avail unfortunately. Feeling down, I quickly look up at the incompetents list on my phone to see if I can snag a quick kill as my incompetency deadline approached. I then head over to my closest target and go for a quick knock. He opens, I stab with my pen. Easy.

Ser Marlo... your email doesn't work.

This has been a public service announcement from the deathmaster.

Behold! I, Patient Man, have finally made my move! The hero that all of us deserve, my powers are great. You see, by exercising regularly, eating a high fibre diet and exercising due caution in all my activities, I shall simply... outlive my enemies.

The adventures of patient man begin! Where will he strike first?!

Chaos will reign.

This was what I had been waiting for, the inco-list. A chance to really thin the numbers here. While yes, there's no doubt some of these people don't pose a threat and have been taken here presumably by some unfortunate coincidence, it still makes it easier to find people when there are less others around. Plus who knows, maybe some might be spurred into action.

I had easily located one such person, Chaos, and so waited by his lair for him to leave. I didn't have to wait long, and while he seemed to leave cautiously, he didn't notice me, or didn't acknowledge me if he did. Perhaps the sandwich in his mouth caused him to let his guard down. Either way, I just walked up to him and killed him after he started walking.

And hey Alder Skrilth, it sure has been a while hasn't it? Glad to see you're still alive, stay safe out there!

Its been over a week since I've tasted blood! I crave it! Just as i thought my luck had ended, a certain Artemis Foul was walking out lectures. Now this Artemis Foul, he was the one who bought be up. He taught me the ways of the assasins, and he was brutally murdered by his own son. I will kill anyone and everyone. Beware. Lord Farquaard, after incobash, the number of people left to kill is reducing. I am coming for you. I will become the next leader of Duloc. Watch your back.

I had recently made contact with one Lord Farquaard, who I noticed was quite opposed to magical creatures. As a witch myself, I wanted to show him how magic can be used for his benefit, so maybe he will reconsider his views.

We met up and enjoyed some tea while we planned our route for this afternoon's hunt. One our way to meet his aide Ser Marlo, we noticed we were passing Bob's residence, and decided we might as well try killing her.

We made it to her room easily enough and tried knocking, but got no response. So we left and that's when she appeared. She looked familiar, had swiped the correct area f the in/out board, and then I checked to confirm this. At this point she was at the top of the stairs but noticed we were looking, and asked us if we needed anything. I produced some chocolate as I began casting my spell and offered it, and as she replied asking about why, a gun materialised in my hand and shot a white energy bolt into her.

I could have made the gun less obviously magical, but it seems Lord Farquaard didn't notice the magic at all. Maybe that was for the best. Either way, it was nice to finally have an attempt succeed.

I've been away for almost a week now, so its time to make a comeback! Second kill of the day, and for my next kill, I was to kill my own recruit. Ellavorn one of my own, I convinced her to join the ranks of Lord Farquaard. Little did I know that she was intoxicated at the time, and that she had no intention of killing for Lord Farquaard. Three weeks past, and she had made no kills. So it was time to get my revenge. As a friendly face, I waited outside her chambers with a sweet treat. I had woken her up from her midday slumber, so she was off guard. She opened the door, expecting the gift of food from her superior officer, but instead she was stabbed by the sword of Marlo!

I received the strangest of letters two days ago. A raven bore a list... a list of fantastic beasts and where to find them. And by beasts, I mean fairytale creatures, those that I have sworn to kill. The letter was signed by Jareth, the Goblin King. And the only condition was that innocent lives must not be harmed. Now I usually would not trust such creatures, goblins especially. But you know what they say, my enemy's enemy is my friend.

The second strange event was meeting Emma Milstein. Although she looks innocent and naive, I found her to be well knowledged and well prepared. I knighted her to serve Duloc, and I gave my knowledge and influence in return. She is the first female knight of the kingdom (progression yay!). And it is my desire that she succeed me in Lordship if I meet my maker. Seeing as Ser Marlo has become mutinous, I will no longer name him my successor. (I do read your letters, Ser Marlo... as much as it will pain me, I will not tolerate such betrayal so play your cards with care.)

Allied with Ser Emma Milstein and (reluctantly) with Ser Marlo, we set out to fufill this list. No beast must stand. Our first success was finding Bob, returning to her lair which was open to the outside world. A quick offering of chocolate made her stop. Emma Milstein's innocent appearance proved its usefulness. Emma Milstein shot Bob in the torso. The beast fell. Our second success was killing Ellavorn. The monster had just woke from it's slumber... to our advantage. It came out to see us and was met with Ser Marlo's sword to shatter its skull.

As of recent civil unrest, I made sure the kills were spread equally amongst our hunting party. And so the next kill was to be mine... if only. We stalked into the castle of the next creature, a magician, Cherry Pie. As we entered, I saw someone walk up the stairs. I watched as they climbed and climbed to the highest room of the tower, where I knew the chambers of Cherry Pie was. The person climbed towards the room; I called their true name. It took a second but the magician turned to face me and I shot my crossbow, ending their life. It was only then I realised my mistake... Blinded by my zeal and bloodlust, I took the life of an innocent. It was a friend of the magician (and responded to the name of the magician in confusion) but was by no means evil nor a beast. I apologised to the corpse of this poor civilian. I closed their eyes in a funeral blessing and retreated. Surely, Jareth will be angered now. I can already see the goblin army, sharpening their pitchforks and fletching their arrows.

Before my trip concluded, we happened to send another beast to the underworld. Stephen of Blois was the beast in question. I had heard from Emma Milstein that he was a dangerous one. But my mind kept flittering back to the innocent I killed. What life could she have lived? If only I had just made sure of her identity. And so when I knocked on the door, I was not prepared. There was no answer except for what I believed was the scraping of claws inside. I found the door unlocked and so I pushed it open slightly. Suddenly I hear the twang of a crossbow. My heart skipped a beat; instinctively I let the door swing close. The bolt thudded into the back of the door... And then the door was wretched open with monsterous claws. I ran around the corner, grasping for my own crossbow. Pain. A bolt scrapped my arm. I fell to the floor, dust in my lungs. Ser Marlo's sword came into the edge of my view. The head of the beast rolled off his head. I let out a shaky, relieved breath. I saw the regret in Ser Marlo's eyes. I sheathed my crossbow and stared Ser Marlo down. He resheathed his sword. Oh Ser Marlo, you should have let me died there. The Lordship was there for you to claim. But no, I guess old loyalties run deep and old habits are hard to break. This mistake may have cost you.

And so I sit here now, in my fortress, writing my story and my will. I must lay low and I know my time is limited. The goblin army is coming. I question what it means to be a Lord. I should be protecting my subjects, the civilians of this land. But no, I am a killer as of today. I still shake in that knowledge. Maybe Ser Marlo is right, democracy is Duloc's future... If I cannot succeed as Lord then maybe an elected Lord would be better for the kingdom? Or must I not doubt myself now? In the most troubled of time, Duloc needs a strong and stable leader. Maybe it is unwise to step down. Maybe my story is not yet through.

-Lord Maximus Farquaard

Three kills in one day! This is the most I've ever done! Anyone who is on the incompetent list, or is wanted, be warned. Marlo is on his way! For this kill, we had three members. Lord Farquaard knocked on the door of Stephen of Blois, waiting for a response. Lord Farquaard knows not of my plans to overrule him, so instead of showing my hand, I let him have this kill. He knocked, no response, but there was movement from within. He opened the door, and as soon as he opened the door, a shot was fired. The Lord Farquaard hid behind the door, he was not dead yet. But Stephen of Blois pursued. Lord Farquaard ran around the corner of the door, with will ready to shoot him, but little did Stephen of Blois know of my position. During the chase, Stephen of Blois did not notice me, so as soon as he stepped out of his room, he was stabbed in the back. Alas, another kill for Marlo. However, I was foolish. If I had waited 30 more seconds, Stephen of Blois would've shot Lord Farquaard, and I could then make the kill. Two enemies gone in one instant, and I wouldn't have had to do the hard work or killing my own superior. He never would've known of my plan to betray him, and my greatest enemy would be gone.

However, there is some good news to come out of all of this. Half an hour earlier, Lord Farquaard killed a woman. An innocent. He is now a wanted fugitive. Both I and Emma Milstein witnessed the cold hearted murder of a civilian. I have employed Emma Milstein into my ranks, but the Lord can now be killed by anyone! I ask you all for you help, help me kill Lord Farquaard! You will be an honoured member within my ranks, and a bountiful reward. Do well within my ranks, and you will reap the benefits of working with the prestigious Marlo. Protection will be granted if you do well, but be warned. If you fall behind on your kills, and manage to join the incompetence list, I will have no mercy. I have no room for the faithless and for the weak in my ranks. As Lord Farquaard will soon find out.

"The timelords returning

The World will be burning

The Last white point Star is a trap for the Master."

------------------------------------------

Hey... gobbo... mind if I ask you something?

Do you think I wished for excitement, adventure, something to get rid of my boredom? Is this yer way of givin that?

Cause... well, I... that is to say... look, I have to thank you for giving me the chance to find something worth my time, even if it was just a few seconds...

And the fact that I don't have it anymore... that's on me.

-----------------------------------------

Alright, let's start at the beginning.

It was dark... late at night. I'd just finished talking a wyvern away from a town (long story short, tyranny on such a small scale is not sustainable) and then I found myself deep in discussion with a few intelligent lookin folks about the natural laws of the universe.

This guy, I'd kinda noticed him for a while... he was one of those folks I was talkin with... not the big authority lookin one, but one of em. The guy had stared at me kinda weird a couple of times and I'd been real paranoid of him for a while now, but every time, it came to nothing... just me bein stupid, or so I thought.

Anyway, after that meeting was concluded, I started off teh find a decent alcove to try and get maybe 2 hours of sleep in... maybe grab food as well, who knew? We adventurer types take what we can get when we can get it.

So, I was kinda goin fairly quick... don't like stickin around places if I can avoid it.

That was when I noticed this figure in front of me... there like a statue, stoic, sideways on to me, hands concealed.

I stopped and stared at it for a few seconds... something was wrong... somethin felt off. Why did that figure not feel right?

It took me about 5 seconds to realise I was staring at a statue... you know, the motionless, harmless sort.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a mages damn moron... never denied it.

Ok, so... I get moving again, and... about twenty paces on, I see another figure... again, standing right in my path, neutral stance, but staring at me.

Staring like he did so often...

And then his hands moved, and I saw the weapon.

Every stare that had led to nothing... every misdirection... hell, the fact that he was here and had set up as he had... the calm way he went for that weapon, the way he aimed like he knew his way around that thing... all little things giving him fractions of seconds more than I'd have.

I'd found it... I'd found something worth my time.

Somebody who thought things through, who had planned and who wasn't botching it with poor execution.

I skipped right, laughing like a madman as my hands flashed for my amplifier.

What else did he have? Was he going to execute me here with a deft flick of his wrist, predicting my motion?

This was worth my time... for just a moment, I wasn't bored. For just a moment, I remembered what it is to feel alive, to have something worth my conscious thoughts.

I read his expression, figured out where he was going to attack... but what if he was fooling me? What if he was a master of body language too?

That would be something... but I had to assume I was right. If he fooled me here, well, maybe I'd think of something, but that would be rapidly nearing the point where I'd not be ashamed of losing... I could lose, proud that it had taken a genius like that to beat me.

My body twisted, offering him a small profile as he readjusted his aim for my skip sideways, my body accelerated by the magic and adrenaline coursing through my veins, it took me barely a moment to aim my amplifier.

Two flashes, two spells...

What did he have next? Was this just a decoy? Was I in some bigger trap? Was there a plan B? How about C? Maybe I was in an illusion... maybe his attack wasn't really an attack, but a feint, designed to make me

I... don't remember much after that.

See, there was this pain from somewhere... might have been my arm, might have been my chest... and then... look, these instincts have kept me alive real well in the past... they tell me when I'm in danger and help me avoid it... take over when they have to... but...

I just wish that they hadn't.

Because next thing I knew, I was standing over a corpse. My skin white as snow, my fingernails black, curled and hardened into claw like talons, my features sunken into my face and my teeth filed to needles.

I don't blame you for making a monster out of me... they already did that long ago.

For a moment, I had a challenge worth my time.

And I killed it.

I stumbled away from that encounter, leaving my damaged amplifier behind and trailing blood from the injury he'd given me... the first time in over two years somebody had hit me while I was really trying to stop them.

I guess you'll find out fairly soon if this wound was the end of me or not, gobbo... after all, I'll either be back or I won't.

----------------------------------------

"When I felt numb, I let no one know.

I became what I was before

You cannot kill what's not your creation

This was the art of breaking."

I am thirsty for blood tonight! Fourth kill of the day! This time, the police got involved. The Legs, a proud member of ranks, and a trusted ghost of mine, aided me with my kill. This was the third attempt on Sentinel of the day. He was good, but we were lucky on our third try. The Legs knocked on the door, asking to be let in as he was offering jam tarts. Sentinel didnt trust us, but as The Legs left, he heard the footsteps down the stairs. Little did he know i was waiting. The Legs was gone, but Sentinel stepped out, hungry for sugar. As he stepped out, i used my trusted side arm and stabbed him. Another kill obtained for Marlo.

I knocked on [ROOM REDACTED] in [ACCOMMODATION REDACTED] with no reply, hung around a bit but the target did not show.

FAO ACC Tom Boss:

We were staking out Slim's place again this afternoon when he unexpectedly returned home. In the rush when I was trying to arrest him, he was fatally impaled on a blade I was carrying in my hands, which I had accidentally pulled out when reaching for my handcuffs.

I have apologised to the victim's family, and I have learned an important lesson about safe police work today.

DC Anne Oldman

P.S. I remember you saying after your disciplinary that you had discovered an excellent way of removing blood stains from your clothing. Would you mind sharing it with me?

A glorious victory for Patient Man!

With the competency deadline looming, I spent this morning making attempts on all 3 of my targets. I attended the [LECTURE REDACTED] at 11 that Maynord Manera should have been in, but was unable to identify him among the 300ish people there. Then I went to knock on the door of Finn mac Cool, and, receiving no reply, left a note about hungry goblins under his door. My final target was Atub Juhurub, who I was expecting to return from his lecture shortly after 12. I waited outside his door until 12:45 and then gave up.

Knife cut hole in Balrog's backpack. Only one knife now. Oh well, Balrog smells prey. Sneak sneak, wander wander. Bad designer not put letters on doorways. Weird look from passerby, Balrog causally check high tech portable communications device from local wizard. Finally find door. Cause of death: multiple stab wounds.

With my targets getting themselves killed by others because of their incompetence, I was seriously annoyed that my laborious research, two weeks of hard work and all of the meticulous planning of their deaths had just gone up in smoke. So obviously I wasn't in the best mood when I crossed paths with Brown Reaper.

We had come across each other in a past life, when I was a different person and perhaps more magnanimous. At the time, my naive self had offered him a deal, one which he was ever so happy to seal. Thus, we had been on good terms for a while, with our non-aggression pact in place we could still occasionally meet and enjoy a savoury meal together.

Yet the tides soon turned against our fragile alliance when rumour reached me that he too might have fallen from grace. I knew he wasn't up to his task, but I still felt let down by his downgrading. Naturally, there was no sympathy I could spare for him. Oh, was I not tempted to strike him in the back when he opened the door for me... but I am a man of his word and I do not break my deals. Instead, I indulged myself in trivial talk with him in his kitchen on a cold Sunday afternoon.

It was then that I suggested, on the spur of the moment, to go together after another unsuspecting target who lived downstairs. I even went as far as offering him my personal dagger as a weapon. 'Here, take this,' I said as I materialised the short blade in my hand. 'Use this to kill them,' I urged him on. He took it, to my surprise, and as I let go of the blade I felt the power shift and a sense of uneasiness entered me the moment it left my fingers. Nevertheless, my voice did not betray my apprehension when I announced, 'I will call him out and then you claim his life.'

For a moment, my survival instinct pointed out to me that it was madly dangerous to knock on an enemy's door completely unarmed. Yet, it was too late, as my foe had already stepped out with my dagger in his hand. Against my better judgement, I followed him downstairs and entered the corridor which could potentially lead to my demise. Who wouldn't like the thrill of stupidly risking your own life for someone else's sake?

There we were, in the narrow alley leading to the target's door, discussing whether it was a good idea to carry out our plan. Surely, the target had seen this coming and wouldn't be opening up their gates so easily.

'This space is too narrow for two people, I'll get them later on my own,' Brown Reaper said as he handed back my dagger which I took without hesitation. I wished I could have believed him, but I didn't. Instead, I played along with him, because I needed him to trust me.

It was only hours later in the safety of my residence that I learnt the target we went for had already passed away hours before our arrival. We never saw the corpse, but the news do not lie. That's when the engines in my brain started turning and I came up with an utmost disgustful plan, which I am not fond of retelling.

They will soon come for you, I warned him in a vision. greengiant, Hollow dagger and WISE MONKEY have already been taken out, you're the last one alive in your area. That is, if you don't count Soapier Mantis. My sources tell me that someone made an attempt on you yesterday.

His reply was casual, showing the airhead he is. Oh yeah, my neighbour told me that.

I'll make you another deal, I suggested. I will offer you protection from your pursuers and claim their lives with my dark arts, if you manage to survive until tomorrow's tea time. You see, I am getting lonely as of recent and wouldn't mind some company in my castle.

Sure, I will head to your place for tea then.

And with that his fate was sealed. You see, I hate to break my promises, but the perspective of him being hunted down by someone other than me combined with the opportunity of the perfect "Tea time kill" was too much to ignore. I had to make an exception.

Under the disguise of helping him guard himself against potential threats, I arrived outside of his lecture halls, only to find out that he had already left for his room. Cursing under my breath, I got back to his kitchen, wondering if I should just murder him on sight. Sadly, his door was locked and even though I knocked, I received no reply. I decided to sit outside on the steps and a few minutes later I spotted him cross the corridor to go to his kitchen where I joined him. He tried to disengage himself from our appointment, but I was adamant about it: he had to come and try my speciality cake, which I had made especially for him.

Hence, we ended up in my kitchen, he was dealing with boiling water while I shivered in anticipation of what was to come. We sat in the luncheon room, across each other. Him unsuspecting, or at least so I thought, and me secretly scheming for his departure from life. I had considered spiking his tea, just to add a bit more dramatics, but fearing he might take heed of my true intentions I refrained from approaching his drink. A single blow from my dagger would be enough.

Unfortunately, he would not relent, his eyes vigilant and his composure not allowing me to approach. I decided to lay low and pretend to be as friendly as we had always been, his sentence would have to wait for another more propitious time.

And then, the fated time finally came. As we sat down for tea at my table, as per usual, I entertained him with some gossip which had reached my ears, waiting for the right moment to strike. Of course, he was on his guard at all times even though our shared meals were a regular occurrence due to our friendship's status. Despite that, he had become more relaxed around me; he didn't believe I could kill him and to be honest neither did I as the conversation went on and on for ages. Eventually I decided to take action. His cup of tea still lay untouched on the table between us when I materialised behind him, with an eerie smile and casually turning the conversation on a themed ball, which I attended in my costume earlier this week. As if to make a point about that, I grabbed my mask, cape and tie and put it on, showing off my attire.

He didn't seem interested in the least and I was truly disappointed when his attention was caught by the luminescent object he held in his hand. That was exactly what I was waiting for. I saw an opening and went for it. What I didn't see was that it had all been a farce! I thought I was playing him by pretending to protect him when instead I was just watching over my prey lest someone else claim it. Yet he too had been lying, as he waited for me to show my true colours to counterattack and regain prestige.

He summoned his scythe in his hand and as he was taller and faster, I retreated to avoid a double kill. My back hit the bookshelf behind me and I had just about the time to conjure up a fireball, which he dodged. That was enough to allow me to put some distance between us. We stared at each other.

'You broke our deal,' he pointed out.

'You know, Brownie, I'd hate for someone else to claim your life in my place. I had to do it myself.'

'I'm not having this, you come at me and I'll stab you,' he threatened.

'Really dearie, but you know this is my lair and you have just walked into your grave?'

Sadly for him, he had made a fatal mistake by crossing my door, he should have never ventured inside in the first place. Not when he had stopped being useful and thus outlived his purpose as an ally. I was the one in control here, my powers at their greatest with all my weapons scattered around the room in secret locations only I knew of. So I did what he did not expect me to do, I unleashed my army of malefic creatures on him. In particular, a small pink unicorn I summoned from other realms got him in the neck. I knew it was a good idea to keep a few summoning papers under my belt at all times. Unsatisfied with the single blow, however, I stabbed him four times in the back to make sure he was well-dead.

It is with utmost regret however, that I have to I confess that yet again I broke a deal with someone. Pity, really that it had to come to this with someone I considered to be as close to a friend as possible. Even more so as my artwork, my brownie cake, which I perfected over the course of the past few days, has gone to waste on his corpse.

Oh, well. I shall redeem myself in another life.

Most Beloved M,

I hope this letter finds you well and you have recovered from the aftershock of your dragon-slaying deed. I see you have attracted some attention for yourself? It is always flattering to see others recognize the valor and glamor of one I'm so fond of myself. Do you plan to write to - or better, meet with - this Alder Skrilth?

I do hope that you have rest enough. New mission for you, my friend. A lieutenant in my ranks, Brown Reaper, has been acting somewhat worrying lately. "No longer himself", that's the word rumoring my barracks these days. I suspect that he is no longer loyal, or competent enough, to continue to captain my men. Either way, there is no place or use for him anymore. But I would like to find out the reason behind his recent behaviour. You are to report to him today as a recent changeling under his command, observe and retire him when you have acquired sufficient information.

Remember that by law slaves are not allowed to impersonate a Freeman. Should your identity be exposed, anyone is free to kill you on site. I will have to declare no knowledge of your doings and subject you to execution in the event of your exposure. Stay safe.

Yours eternally,

K

***********

Most Venerable Master,

Gratitude. Master may be assured that I will not make any public response to anyone without your explicit permission. However, shall Master wish to do so, he can send me instructions on how exactly he want it to be exercised.

Master's suspicion on Brown Reaper was right. He was, indeed, no longer himself.

Here I attach a brief report of my mission on Brown Reaper.

Three days in his ranks and I saw nothing out of the ordinary. He was a capable leader, excellent martial art trainer and self-disciplined in general. A tall, dark intimidating figure, he was everything I expected from a lieutenant of yours. Chatting up fellow changelings, however, revealed that he used to be "merrier", less strict with discipline and "mingled with the crew" far more often. Indeed, he seemed to keep to himself very much and I hadn't witnessed a single personal conversation between him and anyone.

Tonight I decided to approach him. Under the guise of the hotheadedness of a new recruit, I went up to him after a regular formation training.

It was then when I felt it. A cold, icy feeling like the ominous wind from a dark alleyway. Darkness. Voidness. Death.

The potion vial in my pocket resonated, in recognition. In recognition of dark magic.

I called to him and he turned around, stiff and cold. His expressions blank.

Blank that I could see through his eyes.

There was nothing behind those eyes.

Not a spark of soul there.

Information I needed no more. I knew what he was then.

I stroke him down. He fell.

There was nothing other than a pile of clothes where he stood.

Gebbeth. It was a Gebbeth.

"Too late…" Its lips curled up before the illusion faded and uttered those words, nigh inaudible. I could not figure out whether it was him or it that left those words.

Inferius, Revenant, whatever you call it. It was dark magic. I did not kill Brown Reaper. A dark witch or wizard did and used his body as a tool to their own agenda.

A word, Master: much as I feel obliged to, I am not able to defend against dark magic. Your enemy has infiltrated your army and I know not whether this is the beginning or whether we are too late. Please, protect yourself.

Yours dutifully,

M

Being a nobody seems to have its advantages here, people really don't take any notice of you. So it was easy for a friend and I to slip into The Architect's staircase. We knocked on the door offering chocolate, and she opened with a friend. She was shy and hesitant, but did eventually take a chocolate, at which point my keyblade materialised and I struck her chest. I felt bad, it was almost like killing a puppy. But it had to be done.

Barry Bluejeans and I met to try and inflict a fright on some of the less active members of the labyrinth this Halloween, but were sadly foiled by:

- An empty room which no-one was returning to
- A card locked door with no signs of life
- Another card locked door with a confused occupant

So it was, sadly, a very unsuccessful evening. But it wasn't all for nothing, I got to catch up with a good friend and have a fun evening, so that counts for something, right?

Joined a fellow adventurer for a spooky night of reverse trick or treating. Befriended many civilians but sadly didn't find any targets in, save for a very confused Bob Dole who saw right through us. Got a couple of those weird pumpkin buckets full of information on a different target who surely can't last long. Spooky times had by all.

Jareth must have used some curses on this maze. With every passing week it becomes more difficult to awaken, more difficult to start the day. Maybe it's a ploy for more of us to be deemed incompetent and ravaged by their goblin army.

I was fortunate, however, to awaken at a time that would let me get to a location containing two incompetents before they had managed to scatter. I made my way there and sat inconspicuously. Huge crowds gathered, waiting to enter, as the magicians in training left their class, and it was hard to move. This worked for me, I was very well hidden in the crowd, with a clear view of who was coming out as they were trapped in the bottleneck.

After a few minutes I saw JV, who stopped to talk to some friends. he turned away and I followed, got right behind him and said his name. As he turned round, I thrust Pleidaes into his back, sheathing it again quickly in case someone should see.

Alder Skrilth, you seem to know much more about this maze and Jareth than I. I implore you to find an antidote to whatever is causing us all to become more lethargic. I can handle it for a while yet, but I fear for Nozomi and Asahi, whose constitutions are much weaker than my own. Should they pass out here, I dread to think what might happen to them.

It is now that time of the year when I prefer to stay inside my house, cuddled by the warmth of a hot milk cup while listening to the rain tap on the windows from outside. The streets are cold and unwelcoming at night; lots of dangers go around once the sun goes to sleep. Thus, today I was comfortably sitting in my armchair, crocheting lambs' wool in the way my grandma had taught me, while the clock on the table ticked the minutes away.

This is going to make a very nice cape for my little wolfy puppet, I told myself stopping to admire my handiwork. Then I sighed, I wish I could always spend time like this, without having to worry about getting food or running errands.

Unexpectedly, I sneezed and my red hood came falling onto my eyes as I moved forward. Scratching my nose I adjusted the hood back and picked up the list of items I needed to gather before dinner. My plan had been to walk out in the morning to collect all the required berries and roots before lunch, but the rainy weather and my comfy bed had allied themselves against me. I knew I wasn't supposed to wander into the dark after curfew, lest some bad creatures might harm me. The eyes of a stuffed hedgehog stared at me from above the shelf, accusingly, but I shyly ignored them and changed into a red coat which was more appropriate for the weather. Granny will be angry with me again, I thought as I picked up my double rifle, a generous present I received from her. Silently, I took my empty wooden chest and my thick gloves and then I sneaked out of the house with both a list of foods and a list of names.

I was overly cautious as I stepped outside and I jumped up in fear at the chittering sound of a badger before realising it was innocuous. Still, my hand ran to my gun and did not let go of it for most of my journey through the woods. And the rain did not let up at all... Etciu! I passed a few more travellers on the road, but no one seemed to pose a threat. I got lost and went round and round for ages, until the time when I grew hungry and my nose started picking up a delicious scent. This fragrance guided me to a nearby house in an obscure corner of the forest where I had gotten lost. But by the time I had made it to my destination it was already dark. I surveyed the zone, went up and down the road a couple of times trying to pinpoint the source of the scent. My senses, heightened by my starving belly, led my feet to a blue door and red brick house.

I had expected security to be tight but I was met by an inviting unlocked gate. The looks of it all was too good to be true. And the smell of fresh meat, yes, that was simply mouth-watering. My hand automatically went looking for my long carving knife, but couldn't find it! In my haste to leave the house unnoticed I had forgotten to put my belt on. Ah, I was so so hungry I would have certainly jumped to my death had it not been for the admonishing cry of an owl which brought me back to reality. And yes, god only knows what terrible traps lay inside because I never got in.

I cloaked myself in darkness, instead, and inspected the surrounding area for a nice spot from where to hunt my prey. Next time perhaps I'll bring a bow. With eyes of a starved hunter, I searched the building from outside to try to find any clues on my target's location. The lights in the house were down so I assumed no one was home, not my target, not their friends. The tangy scent which attracted me there might have been the left over from a recent visit of my target or maybe even that of a corpse. Twenty minutes waiting in the damp, dark and cold air was enough and staying any longer was only going to endanger me more than it was worth. In the end, I resolved to go back and get some easier prey in the form of red berries and carrots. I will have to leave the stew for another time.

In a land of myth and a time of magic, myself and two companions went out on a quest, venturing deep into the catacombs of the Labyrinth in hunt of some incompetent fools. After attempting to eliminate two fellow maze dwellers, but finding their hiding places too well defended, we were disheartened. The incessant dripping from the catacomb ceiling didn't help our morale. My water-repellent incantations on my clothing were wearing off by this point too. We made our way to the home of one Neep, where a friendly maze goblin showed us the way to Neep's cave. I burst in, and cast forth a hail of projectiles to swiftly end Neep's time in this world. At the moment of death, she attempted to stab me, in vain, for I swiftly cast a spell, turning her weapon into a harmless, nutritious banana.

On the hunt for incompetents me and 2 others searched up and down west road in vain until coming upon Neep, who was betrayed by her fellow housemates by letting us in so Merlin could burst into her room and kill her.

Dear Helga,

I understand that this is quite soon for me to be writing to you once again but it is clear that the Wizarding World must unite against this grave threat of the Goblin Army. Reports have flooded in, of happenstance, rumour and fear-addled tales of some sort of base of operations on the Continent for the goblins, complete with a maze that they entertain themselves with by trapping simple muggles, or wizards like you and I, as they kill one another for their own base survival. Hogwarts itself seems impossible to defend against their influence, with the goblin's treasuries and cursed trinkets controlling the minds of the magical for their twisted purposes.

You know me well enough to know that I committed to writing this letter so soon for another reason, however. I had to take one of my own House, I tell you, in the Owlery. He'd been wearing a new amulet he claimed to have won at a fayre, and I saw no harm in it - but I found words carved into the common room tables, of hate and madness - and of goblin signature. He was receiving a full shipment of these damned rings. I had to stop him. Heaven knows how I'll tell management. I finished him with an instant, point-blank curse, my very own "Barius Aerius" Noble Glaive curse. I'm at my wit's end. Salazar continues to act oddly, but he seems stressed from his research into the creatures more than anything, and he's given me a brooch to hopefully ward of mind spells. We all know goblin magic is only found in the rings and amulets anyway, so Hogwart's next step is likely to ban all jewellery outright.

My strongest wishes and charms that you continue to be in good health.

Yours as always,

Rowena.

Hey. Hey you. You tolkein to me? You tolkein to ME? Well guess what. Bear Edwardo Newland sure ain't no more. Oh yeah. He's done. 2 rounds. Blam blam. Redecorated his room with his head yeah.

Last I heard there was someone else talkin bout me near Bear Edwardo Newland's place. Maybe I'll pay em a visit. See what they're tolkein about ya know.

My loyal knight Sir Michael, Knight of the slanted desk, nth herald of Bob the magnificent told me that his home was under threat. There were some who were at serious risk of drawing the goblin horde there, and so I ventured out to deal with the problem myself, as any future king would do.

We met and entered the castle which housed these attractors. After waiting for a long time for them to leave for food, we decided to try a more direct approach. Sir Michael, Knight of the slanted desk, nth herald of Bob the magnificent knocked on the door, and when it answered, I leapt out and struck them down. First was Akil, then came Ads the Bads, and finally Shadow Kirito Reborn. Same method, same results.

Unfortunately Shadow Kirito Reborn was rather loud upon his death, and so we did not try the remaining threat, whose door was very close, knowing that if he were in, he would know exactly why we were knocking, and so we departed to the castle's dining hall for a celebratory feast.

Another enemy outlived by Patient Man!

Against all odds, I lumbered outside my bed at 7.30 in the morning to camp outside Lucifer's room. I banged on his door but to no avail. I suppose I'll try again tomorrow...

Carrots. The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had no pumpkin on Pumpkins' Day, so she decided to get herself some orange. Things. Orange things.

Axl N' Rose is baking pumpkin pies. "Hey do you mind if I go get those magic carrots on my own?" The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named banged on her door with a parsnip.

"By all means, go ahead. I don't like carrots anyway. " Axl N' Rose waved her hands in such a carefree manner that some of her pumpkin pies turned into tiny dragons and spit some fire on the remaining pies.

"You need them to stay healthy though. At least 2 a week. " The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named speeded away, throwing her parsnip in Axl N' Rose's direction.

"That'll do, too. " Axl N' Rose picked up the parsnip, thoughtfully.

It was gardening day in the magic garden, so it was a bit crowded. All the better, thought The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. "I only wish they haven't stole my carrots yet. " She murmured to herself. A few days earlier The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named won a spell from a gnome (or a goblin, she wasn't exactly sober then) in a game of broomstick chess. Said it was "good for culinary and gardening experiments". She was hoping it would help her pick the best tasting carrot.

She looked at the 7 identical parterres that puzzled Axl N' Rose and her and whispered the spell. For a moment there was nothing. Then she noticed a tiny door on the other side of the garden in a hidden corner had just swung open. There! The spell worked!

The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named hurried across the garden when she stumbled over a pumpkin.

"What?" The pumpkin yelled. "Don't witches APOLOGIZE these days?"

"Sorry, " the witch muttered, "but why are you grey?"

"Well, it was a bit WET wasn't it?" The pumpkin pulled at its hair impatiently.

"Is the carrot home?" The witch was confused but she didn't show. Pumpkins are quite grumpy creatures. (Squashes, on the other hand, are much sweeter.)

"Well, why don't you go check it out for yourself, pumpkin-torturers? With your knives and spoons and candles..." The pumpkin spit at the witch, projecting pumpkin seeds into her boots.

Not helpful at all.

The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named circled around the pumpkin and went on to scout for carrots.

It seemed like the kind of corner in a garden where everything basically grew into each other. She sorted through the tangled leaves of an eggplant, the stems of an overthrowing parsley, some weird shaped lettuce before she finally located the carrot.

"Knock knock" The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named said.

"Who's there?" Came a very faint voice.

"The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" Answered The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. "I'm looking for the best carrot!"

"Sorry, the carrot is unreachable at the moment. Please re-knock later. " The voice faded into a distant but continuous noise of "beep-beep-beep".

Hmm.

Curious.

"Close the flipping door behind you! They say vegetable thieves abound these days! " the pumpkin yelled to the back of the ankle of the hurried figure, but The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had already fled the scene.

With a deadline looming and known members of the Labyrinth seen everywhere, Agrajag was on a mission to kill.

While visiting a good friend at [COLLEGE REDACTED], an opportunity arose to make an attempt on [well I'm not going to give them away either]; finding them to be out, I instead paid a visit to poor, unfortunate 5/7 with rice. Despite not being in his room, I was undeterred, and caught him making his way in just a couple of minutes later. I called out his name and he answered; my knife found its mark and 5/7 with rice fell to the floor, extremely dead.

Nothing personal.

Another failed murder, and another waste of time. No one seems too happy to let an assassin in these days.

I, the famous plague doctor Gustavius Unweildius, had been sent to cure Bear Edwardo Newland of one of the deadliest plagues, chronic incompetence. I turned up to his room with my two accomplices and my unwieldy sceptre, ready to cure this unbearable disease. When the door opened, out stepped a zombie, his face covered in congealed blood, and I had no choice but to put it out of its misery with a swift whack to the head from my sceptre, and a shot from the [REDACTED]'s mini crossbow.