The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

The seventh cardinal sin is the last for a reason. It corrupts the soul and body, condemning the afflicted to eternal damnation. So will The Bronze Oxon's soul suffer as his flesh is perpetually charred in a Brazen bull for infinitude. The sweet release of death will elude him forever. Befitting is it not that he should spend the rest of his time in a Bronze Ox?

Perhaps I should have given him a chance? After all, there was no way he could have known I was there. Blissfully returning from a meal in the goblin mess hall, he neglected to survey his surroundings for threats. His pride in his ability to defend himself led him astray. He didn't stand a chance when I whirled around and bashed him to death with my flail. His screams of pain as his soul was absorbed by my flail were the last sounds that echoed from the broken husk I left behind.

I see the others have not be idle as I waited. Neither has the labyrinth been idle itself. Loyal servant turns on master and father turns on daughter. It will be enjoyable to watch these 'friends' turn on each other. This 'hell' that the Goblin King has created is truly admirable. [Hell? Oh, but this is their heaven. This is all they wanted, all they wished for; this is where they all asked to be. -J]

Vice above Virtue. Pride above Humility.

Lord of the Ninth Circle of Hell,

Lucifer

I didn't want to play the labyrinth.

It was a normal day, full of normal events, and somehow I got swept into this mess. Perhaps it was the temptation of the Goblin King's promise, perhaps it was the way that he swayed my heart ever so briefly, but I am now part of this whole, big, messy thing.

For a week I refused to act. We were all living beings, who had no right over each other.

I lasted a week before I snapped. Hah. Must be some kind of record.

Perhaps it was this morning when I decided to fight. For my freedom. To be out of the maze. I looked at my quests. Triple murder. Here goes nothing.

Scouting came unnaturally easy. A few coins slid, a few words, and I found out the location of my first...victim. I apologised under my breath, to god, to my old friends outside the maze. I brandished my weapon and turned around the corner, ready for the kill.

But...it lead to a familiar place. One that....smelled like the outside world, that which the air lacked some staleness.

And apparently some civilians too. I then pocketed my item, and proceeded to gather information about my target.

A shriek, a big flourish, and a slamming of the door was heard. I knew that my chance was gone, and that I had to flee before she had a glimpse of my face, for I did not want to make this more difficult than it needs to be.

I will be back for more. For freedom. For the escape of this wretched maze.

This is ArthurZH, signing out.

Today my hunt took my to some of the more remote parts of this labyrinth. My target had made themselves a bolt-hole in these depths, and I was planning to catch them in their place of safety. Unfortunately they were not enthusiastic to meet me. The entrance was barricaded, and at my approach they retreated further in, and I was unable to strike. I did wait to see if they were foolish enough to try and defend their home in combat, but decided that my opportunity to make the kill had been lost. I moved on to tracking the next name on my list, trying not to think about how I had revealed myself to my target.

My second target also resided in the more forgotten places of the maze, but their location was, at least, less obscure. I still struggled to find the precise spot, but when I did I was able to hide and wait. After some time it became clear that it was unlikely that I would kill today, and I returned to my place of safety.

I Kevlun killed lillith outside [COLLEGE REDACTED] accommodation with a knife, time of death 12:33.

I stared at my list. 3 people to kill. I was hopeful that this list would magically disappear, but I knew in my heart that the Labyrinth wouldn't let me off that easily.

After yesterday's fiasco at the outside world, I took a small break, fighting the tugs of the Labyrinth which I knew would physically pull me back if I stayed out too long. I went back in, tasted the stale, earthy air, and set out for my second target.

It was perhaps another week before I realised that the maze was toying with me. I have tried and tried again to seek my other targets, but have failed, and the maze kept leading me back to my first target, Calypso. Repeatedly. This Stephen of Blois person was proving surprisingly elusive.

I took a deep breath, and readied my weapon. Might as well get it done here.

Walking out to the outside world, although thrilling and new, just gave my waves of melancholy. I swiftly joined the shadows, and located her. I pointed my wand, one I wrestled out from a goblin in the Labyrinth.

"Avada Kedavra"

There was no girl who lived. Her lifeless body fell, and my soul felt...maimed. Was this how Voldemort felt? Perhaps. Who knows. I don't seek endless life, and ignored the tugging behind my mind on the possibility of a Horcrux. I just wanted out of this darned maze.

Night fell outside. I walked back into the Labyrinth, determined, happy that one name was off the list. Looking at my questing paper, my heart sank. A new name, and a new face. It was as I feared; only one will leave this place alive.

And I am sure as hell going to be that one.

[Umpire's Note: Calypso is not dead. Arthur Zachary Helious attempted to use a bang-kill here, which only works when the target is not aware that you're there. As that was established not to be the case here, this encounter was not fatal. -J]

Trillian shrank back into the shadows at the sound of footsteps. It would not do to be seen now that she was so close to her unsuspecting target. A man passed her, oblivous, and left the building. This was the moment. Cocking her blaster as she ascended the stairs quickly and silently, she had to hold back laughter at how easy this had all been. The target's door opened without resistance and he fell to the floor instantly, dead. Trillian stopped to confirm the kill and then left, secure in the knowledge that this would not be traced back to her.

Balrog want kill. Balrog sneak into high castle with bag of holding full of knives. Oops wrong castle, sneak out. Next door castle. "Hello?" says the Guardian of the Gate. "Balrog has parcel for work-friend". Guardian is fool, let Balrog in. Knock knock. Who's there? Chest full of knives.

Dear M,

Greetings and gratitude. It would appear that you are not only quite good at, but also, may I say, somewhat gifted in the art of deception. What a shame would it be, were you to be bound by the rigid doctrines of Paladinhood, your creative talents buried behind savage clash-fights in glaring daylight? But I shall not be a stone-hearted master who heeds no plaint; certainly not for you, my dear loyal friend, whom I adore and respect so much. You shall receive a quest fit for the most noble of Paladins, and rid the Land of its most notorious pest. It will be a tough one, but I trust that obstacles are nothing to put you off from a good deed.

You are to slay Smaug the Dragon, a cunning beast that has been vexing my land and people recently. His lair, protected by ancient, powerful magic, lies deep in the mountains, where for centuries trespassers were doomed to perish. But that wouldn't be a concern for you, would it? For I am under the impression that you are somewhat against killing defenceless targets in their dreams. Confront the beast atop the Grand Pantheon, then. That is where he rests his wings after plaguing my land, and where you shall strike him down.

Yours respectfully,

K

********************

Most Revered Master,

I thought I have articulated my aversion to betrayal fairly prominently in our last correspondence. It is the nature of my doings rather than the reputation of the outcome that concerns my feelings. A person of such status and resource as you, Master, and may I add, an inappropriately invested interest in me, must surely knew that the Dragon was a friend of mine. Moreover, a benign creature that has never taken an innocent soul, save those intruding on his territory. It was despicable, what I did, killing the friend so that my Master could possess his treasure. Or worse, that you simply takes the cruel pleasure to see a former Paladin degenerate?

What friendship between a Paladin and a dragon, you may ask? But you must first know dragons. Legends are that they were once human, and we were once dragon. Of the intellectual creatures that roam the Land, goblins were forged in fire, dwarves emerged from earth, elfs were that of water, and fairies that of air. But humans and dragons are creatures of all four elements. Dragons have elements in their nature, boding in the wombs of air and earth, roaring with the rage of fire and water. Humans learn to wield elements through their nurture, the weakest of all in nature yet the mightiest on the Land. Our paths were once joined, our minds once a unity. What segregated us before language was spoken we do not know. Yet severed ties make the bitterest of enemies... which made our friendship something to be cherished even more. And thanks to you it was no more.

I found the dragon where I knew he would be. Unsuspecting, he greeted me as usual and went on with his business. Humans don't just fight dragons in melee. We'd stand no chance. Forget about the stories of dragon slayers and their epic one on one with a single sword and shield - I assure you, Master, that every one of those consists mostly of cunning plans, ambush and/or massive range weapons. True, dragons see right through deception - but my friendship with him was genuine. O Master, perhaps this was your plan after all.

I missed. Amazed by the potency of your potion, I wrongly decided to attack the dragon with it. I launched a whole vial at him and then fled in horror and shame, as the raging roar escalated behind me and never subsided. The flame and smoke could be seen all night from his dwelling in the mountains.

I should have known that a petty witch's potion would prove harmless to ancient beings like Smaug. Yet even in such rage Smaug did not take out his fury over my betrayal on innocent villagers. I knew he was looking for me. Revenge he deserved.

He terrorized the land for two days before the rhythm of his flaps changed. I knew him too good to recognize the intent in his wings. Such mighty wings. This was him circling, preparing to rest them. Grand Pantheon was then filled with spectators who thought they were at a safe distance, and I mingled with them. As the moment drew near my blood started to boil. He hadn't seen me yet. One single strike to the belly, or else I melt in downpour of dragon flame the next second.

He extended his talons. He raised his wings. He reached out and glided to the top of the Pantheon, ready to land - crowds of spectators dispersed like sand in a whirl of storm and I remained - he recognized me. His eyes wider than I had even seen before, I ran up the roof and thrusted my weapon deep into his belly. A sudden blow of wind nearly swept me off the roof, smoke filled my lungs. But the eternal fire in his eyes dimmed, and those mighty wings twitched, once, twice, eventually went still.

And that was his farewell wave to me, from those once elegant wings of his. My friend, Smaug the Dragon, is dead.

The crowd cheered me.

I felt sick.

Yours obediently,

M

p.s.

Assuming Master has been satisfied with this account, allow me to petition a tiny request: now that you have seen it, proved it, what terrible deeds a once sacrosanct Paladin is capable of, may you please cease to besmirch the sacred ranks of Paladin by referring to me as one?

Even demons are no match for a Lord with resources and influence. My ride to the kingdom of Far far away did not disappoint. It took nine brave heroes but finally demon 16 is slain. Another demon rid from my kingdom.

In order to orchestrate this kill, I first enlisted the ghost of The Legs as my first accomplice. He provided me with weaponry, a crossbow with a single bolt anointed with holy water. The Legs was going to accompany me to Far Far Away but had no steed. And so my second and third accomplice provided the horse and safety equipment for my ghostly companion. Although these accomplices did not ride out with us. After a hard day of riding and soreness, over rivers and dales and hills, we finally arrived at the castle. My fourth accomplice had received the raven. He unlocked the gates and ushered us in. We stalked to the demon's lair, finding no one in once again. Three civilians saw us and questioned us. With my Lordly charisma and informing them of the danger of the demon, they soon became three more accomplices. One of them was the wife of such demon... For her, I had to succeed in my plan. After an eternity of roaming the castle, another civilian, my eigth accomplice passed a note to us about the demon's were abouts. The five of us stormed the room; the demon stood; my single bolt found his heart, or where his heart would have been. The demon melted and screamed as he decended back to whatever hell he came from.

And so my work was done. Let this serve as a warning to you fairytale creatures. I have the power and influence in this labyrinth. And you Ser Marlo. Keep your ambitions in check. As long as I breathe, I am still your Lord. Remember that hubris can befall any man. You have seen what happened to the other Farquaardians, Trivial Group and The Legs. If you fly too close to the sun... You will burn.

Lord Maximus Farquaard

There is no rest for the wicked they say. Well, good thing i only murder those who deserve punishment. Today, my wrath was on Bobby Shmurda. The day before i had an attempt on his life, but he was cautious and didnt let in a stranger into his room. But tonight, i had a plan. We hired an actor (his neighbour) to pretend that she had broken an ornament (shelf), and in doing so, she needed the help of the craftsman (Bobby Shmurda). She went in, and asked for a hand in her work, and as the true gentleman that he is, he gladly left his chambers to help... and that was his mistake. Unarmed, he walked right into my sword, and he was no more. Another kill for Ser Marlo.

Now, onto a new subject matter. It has come to my attention that a certain someone thinks that i am flying to close to the sun, and a reminder must me made that i may burn. I would just like to point out that the sun must always set, and when it does, a dark Knight rises. Lord Farquaard, watch your back. You may not have as many allies as you think. The Legs has been cut off, and the Trivial Group is no more. Maybe its time to start my own recruitment... If anyone is interested, please email ser_marlo@duloc.cam.ac with a CV, a list of kills, and the most recent account of yout kill. Applications from only the best assasins will be accepted. Good luck!

Due to recent vacancies (and civil unrest), the Lordship of Duloc is currently looking for able knights to serve under Lord Farquaard. Knights will be well fed and additional perks can be negotiated. Please send in your pidgeons at lordmaximusfarquaard@gmail.com. Looking forward to hearing from you - Farquaardian Recruitment and Outreach Program. (FROP)

Dear Sirs,

I have again been unsuccessful at tracking down the specimens you wished me to collect. The lack of documentation about their daily habits is vexing; my only current option is to track them to their lairs, which resulted in near-disaster today after I tripped over a sleeping Krakhorn and had one of my boots eaten. Fortunately, I had a spare pair. Still, you must understand that for me, this time in the wastelands is trying. Especially when one's return journey to one's tent is made with a cold and muddy foot, and one discovers upon return that a Snidfler has been through one's whiskey.

Yours,

Hutmann

It had been a very quiet week, my targets were proving difficult to pinpoint, and so I decided I would have to go directly to one of them today and see if I got lucky. I easily found their residence, and made my way to the door. Sadly it was locked. I proceeded to locate the window of this room, and it looked empty. I decided to wait for a while to see if anyone would come in or out that could be my victim, but to no avail.

I killed Jaqen with my wolves and got him in the torso. Arthur Dent was there.

I had finally recovered from my previous ordeal, although was a bit sad to see that someone else had beat me to The Bronze Oxon recently. I had just managed to, with the help of another witch, discern a prime opportunity to kill him.

So I decided to go after a different target, one who didn't live too far away. Finding his abode was easy, however it was very eerie. not a light was on, and it just rubbed me the wrong way. It reminded me of times fighting undead in castles, which I was not in a hurry to re-live.

With this in mind, I thought it best to go for a walk around the gardens with my eye on the door, hoping that my victim would emerge. I soon caught the whiff of food coming from nearby, so cast a spell to amplify its aroma in the hope this would draw him out. But it didn't. After some time, I realised it was time for me to leave and meet some friends, and so reluctantly I departed empty handed again. At least this time was less scary I guess...

I heard a rumour on the bridge that Chaos was attending some sort of formal last night, but our paths didn't cross when I went to investigate. The wait continues.

I was in luck. I had recently made contact with someone who had
been able to put me in touch with Takanori's information network. And it
was as good as I remembered. Within a few hours one target's subject,
which had eluded me for so long, had been passed to me.

I decided to try and make my kill between lectures, and arrived at
[LEARNING SITE REDACTED]. I quickly discovered this was the wrong place.
However, I noticed the [BUILDING REDACTED] which was logically where
this victim would be leaving from any moment now. I turned the corner
and sure enough, people were filing out.

I waited for a bit and saw someone who may have been my target, so went
up and asked, but they said no. Knowing that there was an army of
restless goblins with no valid targets, I wasn't too keen to try
stabbing them anyway in case they were lying, and so ran to try and
catch up with the people who had already left. But no-one I saw was my
target.

*Sigh*

It's been a long time since I got a kill, and each unsuccessful attempt
puts me and everyone else in more danger. I really need to step things
up.

The magic in this Labyrinth is preventing me from scrying effectively, making it difficult to anticipate where my targets will actually be. Today, I waited for half an hour to cross paths with one such target, but she was not there when I believed she would and my time was wasted. But it doesn't matter. I will reach the castle and no-one will be able to stop me, not even Raven or his finest warriors.

After a week of meticulously gathering information, I decided it was time to make a move. I had a feeling that this was going to be a good day: the sun was shining brightly at noon and no one had made an attempt on me yet. So, I left the safety of my lair and set out on a scouting quest, perhaps a bit too carelessly. The dread of failing to deliver at least one target's body on time has certainly made me more audacious and slightly less merciful, I'd say. It is either them or me, I reminded myself as I strolled through grass.

My anticipations were proven correct, as my target suddenly waltzed into my field of vision, unaware that I had been waiting. Luck seemed to be on my side, as they were not surrounded by their usual crew of friends this time around. Surely, this fated encounter was not a chance to be missed.

Already brushing my fingertips against the weapon concealed in my pocket, I closed in for the kill. I was only a few inches away when they turned around, without any warning, and smiled at me. I froze, hesitated, my heart caught in a dreadful grip and my legs as heavy as marble blocks. Perhaps they realised, because their smile waned and then they ran away, leaving me with nothing but shacking hands and the wish I weren't such a coward.

It was a cold dark night, accompanied by one fellow assassin and a brave and willing accomplice, armed with a variety of deadly weapons including kamikaze planes, ninja stars, (many many) throwing knives and a mighty sword. We first ventured into the depths of [COLLEGE REDACTED] Castle keeping a calm composure as we snuck past the guards (porters) and safely navigating our way along the dangerous path to the 1960s buildings at the back. With some cunning manipulation of some nearby residents we easily gained access to their flat. Upon entering we heard a congregation in the kitchen and unsheathed our weapons preparing for a silent attack, but inside we did not find the target. Inside we managed to hide our weapons and sinister intentions, befriending the targets flat mates under false pretences of architecture students searching for our friend. They showed us to her room but we found it was empty, it appears she was aware of our plans and had made and unprecedented escape.

But our thirst for blood was not yet quenched and so our band of assassins headed down to [ACCOMODATION REDACTED] to try hunt down another target, excitingly this time it was my target. The targets fortress was much easier to find this time, unsuccessfully attempting to hide in plain sight, nonetheless his defences were strong and we could not find a clear way in. We planned out a back story and attempted to lure our target out of the home, if another occupant of the fortress were to answer I had planned to respond under the name of [I ASSUME YOU WOULD ALSO LIKE ME TO REDACT THIS NAME BEFORE YOUR TARGET SEES IT] a family friend who had just arrived in Cambridge and was popping by to say hello. However, with all the knocking and ringing every door bell available we were unsuccessful in gaining anyone's attention.

Another disappointing result, though we are encouraged by our earlier success and the hunt for our first kill continues.

It was a cold, dark Thursday evening, accompanied with one fellow assassin and a corrupt cop [Oh, really? I should hope that's not what's going on here. Any such officer might wish to watch their step, for fear of endangering their compatriots as well as themself. -J], and armed with a banana gun amongst our arsenal of weapons, we ventured forth towards our first target. Into the labyrinth of [COLLEGE REDACTED] and towards the concrete fortress which housed my target's lair, we commenced ever further. After some cunning manipulation of some unsuspecting residents, we easily gained entry into the flat. Having heard no response from inside the target's bedroom, we assembled our weapons before journeying into the kitchen; inside, under false pretences and posing as fellow [SUBJECT REDACTED] students, we befriended some of the target's fellow flatmates, only to find out that the target was not there.

Not wanting to put our weapons down for the night, we decided to make an attempt at another target, this time my fellow assassin's. Travelling away from [COLLEGE REDACTED], our merry band of assassins headed towards target number two - this time, to [ACCOMODATION REDACTED] - hoping to be met with more success (and hopefully bloodless bloodshed). Locating the residence was a swift process this time, our tracking skills honed by the first attempt, we disguised ourselves as 'family friends' popping in for an evening chat. Unable to find any unsuspecting flatmates to manipulate this time, we proceeded to ring and knock on the door, hoping, but to no avail, for an answer; it appears that the defences of this fortress were too strong for even us to breach.

Despite heading out with the intention to kill, we came back with only a deepened desire to try again and achieve our first kills.

Yesterday's encounter had left me shaken, but now I knew that action needed to be taken and quickly. Hence, I steeled myself this morning, as I picked up my weapons and prepared for another day of chase and possible kills. I walked under grey skies, taking the longest path, while my conflicted mind kept tormenting me. Was this ethical, to kill someone else in order not to be killed? Was there any other way to deal with this other than murdering her? Alas, I concluded that the most I could do for her was to ensure she had a quick death.

As a preliminary step, I checked the windows of her dwelling place: no sight of her in the kitchen and with all the curtains being closed, I could not tell whether she was even there at all. I went around, wondering if her room might be facing the other side instead, but I was met with the same scenery of dull grey curtains shielding her from my view.

Different scenarios played in my head as I walked back, through a different route. What if she had figured out and was readily waiting for me with weapons? I decided my best chance was to hang around outside her quarters avoiding being noticed.

How to do it, though? Then an idea flashed into my mind: the secret shed near her habitation where I had left some spare tools. I unlocked the door and looked inside, it was empty aside from my belongings and so I stepped inside to get my box of magical infusions. My heart was thundering into my ears, part of me wishing she wouldn't show up. It was at that moment, when I was just about to carry the instruments out in order to take their place into the shed, that she stepped outside her door.

I hesitated, heavy boxes in my arms and frantically searching for the keys, which had seemingly disappeared. Should I leave the shed unlocked, open for anyone to come and steal my things, and go after her? I looked up in her direction: she was walking away from me, probably still oblivious to my presence. I mentally measured the distance, could I sprint forward and successfully take a shot? The consequences of missing and alerting her made me waver again, but only for an instant. I have to, I told myself as I put the box back inside the shed and ran after her.

My indecision cost me, however, as by the time I crossed the main court she had dissolved into thin air. I had not expected her to be so fast. I panicked, then looked both left and right at a bifurcation on the road but there was no sign of her. I had to guess and take the chance, so I chose left. It turned out to be correct, as I spotted her just around the next corner. I took a step back, my hand reaching for my pocket. Should I take my dagger out? She did have her back turned towards me, yet I did not want to have a repeat of yesterday's events.

Throwing caution to the wind, I extracted my gun instead, without even bothering to check if there was anyone else nearby. I only had a few precious moments, I realised, before she left for unreachable places. My brain stopped working and I moved as if under a spell, my hand mechanically loading my gun in an automated motion. It was now or never; a single bullet and that would be the end of it.

I was surprised when she didn't turn around, even as my boots stepped on the gravel with loud cracking sounds. I stood there, my gun pointed at her back and my whole being wanting nothing more than to turn around and run away. It felt wrong, to shoot her in the back. I needed to prove that I was not a coward anymore, that I had stood up to my fears and murder her while looking at her in the eye. I reckoned it was my duty to make my presence known to her, then.

'Hello,' I said with what I hoped was a cheerful voice.

And so she turned, eyes widening behind her glasses. Maybe she had expected this, maybe not.

'No,' she said.

'Yes,' I replied. I grabbed the gun with both hands and almost asked her if this way the correct way to kill her, if it was fine to kill her.

'No, please don't kill me,' she pleaded for her life.

My grip tightened and my jaw muscles clenched. 'I don't want to do this either,' I confessed. Should I offer her a deal? I thought, slightly lowering my pistol.

No, she cannot be trusted. My self-preservation instinct took over as I eyed her hands afraid she would reveal a weapon of some sort and counterattack. 'I have to- can I- kill you?' I asked with broken tones.

Perhaps she realised there was no escape for her, my gun only ten centimetres away from her body. That's when she offered her life up, so that I could continue in my quest, with a smile.

I don't know if I was smiling as well, perhaps I was, when I pulled the trigger and shot her in the flank. Then I thanked her corpse for her sacrifice as I reflexively reloaded my gun, suddenly becoming aware that there might be other assassins lurking around. My left eye caught sight of a suspicious presence behind me and I hid my weapon just in case. There was no reason for me to stay any longer, so I resolved to vanish.

I have retired to my lair now, bidding my time until the fruits of my research on the other targets are ripe. Then, I shall strike again.

[Umpire's Note: Committing suicide or giving yourself up to an attacker generally isn't permitted within the game. That doesn't appear to be what happened here, given that BenTheChicken was caught without hope of escape, but if you wish to avoid disputes and to make sure that all of your kills are counted, it's better not to offer your victims the option of surviving! -J]

This morning I've been to [COLLEGES REDACTED] to try and kill my targets. Unfortunately, both were not in their rooms and I achieved nothing. Better luck next time.

Dear Helga,
I simply must tell you about the latest developments here in Hogwarts. Dare I say it, the goblins are on the move, and their vast reserves of Gold have already been put to infiltrating the school, I fear. Indeed, I only today found Pepsi in the corridors gurgling, and recognising the Auroris curse of classic goblin make I had no choice but to destroy his body (purification sword naturally) - his mind was of course long claimed, and the his husk posed dire threat to other students. I've informed the parents. Dark times.

Anyway, I will remain vigilant.
Best wishes,
Rowena

PS Isn't Salazar acting a little off lately?

The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has a strange friend. Or she is a strange friend herself.

A beautiful Thursday midnight came her knocking on Axl N' Rose's door, announcing cheerfully: "Go kill someone or you'll probably be dead soon!"

Axl N' Rose jumped, doubtfully: "I totally forgot about this! Is it gonna be fun?"

"Absolutely!" The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named nodded frantically.

"So how do I kill them if they were a carrot?" Axl N' Rose asked.

"Simple! 4 steps. Step 1, grab a knife. Step 2, grab the carrot. Step 3, chop its head off! Step 4, make soup. " The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named answered.

"Great, let's go kill some carrots tommorrow! Oh but I hate carrot soup. "

Step 1, grab a knife.

"‘Anything vaguely knife-shaped will do', it says in the recipe. " The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named tapped her knuckle on the door impatiently.

...

"You got it?"

"Sorted. "

"Cool, let me see. "

...

"A rectangular piece of leather with a string attached to its corner does NOT constitute something vaguely knife-shaped. " She stared at the unbelievable leather flag that is roughly labeled "KNIEF".

"It is! Just with a very flexible handle. "

The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named put her finger on the rucksack and immediately started bleeding. Miss-spelling aside, at least Axl N' Rose didn't miss-SPELL it.

"Do put it back in there. A blind goblin can see its magic aura 2 miles away. "

"Can't I just pretend it's a flag?"

"Can't you just pretend you're a clump of mushrooms?"

Step 2, grab the carrot.

The carrot grows in the garden of a magic school. The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named casted a spell, and she and Axl N' Rose were transported through its walls.

Axl N' Rose absolutely loved the garden. The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, on the other hand, was much more eager to get carrot and have soup.

"Which one?" She asked.

"The most delicious one! " Came Axl N' Rose's reply.

"Sure, but which one? "

Good question. They found exactly 7 identical parterre, each with its best carrot perfectly the same.

"Can't we have them all?"

"Well, we could..."

"On second thought, no. It would be such a waste of deliciousness!"

Step 3, ...

You know what, let's have pumpkin soup instead.

Got to [STAIRCASE REDACTED] door; attempted to use door caller to call his room about delivery of some paper I found with his name on it that may or may not have been in the shape of a throwing star. Unfortunately, he didn't respond to call over intercom, so I left to avoid arousing suspicion.

DC Anne Oldman reporting in. I went looking for those suspects like you said to, Boss. Waited outside Bob's Friday afternoon practical in a squad car, but we never saw her come out. She must have skipped it in a deliberate attempt to fail her course, or left through the back way.

It was the same outside All About Dat Bass's room in [COLLEGE REDACTED]. No movement aside from a suspicious neighbour who resembled Ian Hislop in silhouette.

And no sign of Slim when we finally located his staircase, unless he came or went while we stopped at Nandos on the way over.

Are you sure this intel is solid, Boss?

Pumpkin soup.

Takes a pumpkin to make, and they are not as easy to chop as carrots.

"You'd have to do it at my place. " The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named said with a grin.

"Even better. " Axl N' Rose had walked a lot today, the thought of having some more didn't cheer them up. But they wanted soup.

...

"It looks like raining. "

"If it gets any heavier I will teleport to the nearest hut and wait for you to walk over. " The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named didn't want her marten soiled.

"That's so ungentlemanly. "

"Do I look gentle to you?"

...

"So this is how a witch's slingshot works..."

"Not in the head! ...Or chest!"

Don't worry it's de-spelled.

Still probably hurts.

...

Music dripped down from an open window. They had arrived at the pumpkin yard, but the pumpkins seemed not ripe yet. Or the chance.

Who's playing?

The music weakened.

"They have to know that we're here to steal pumpkins. " Axl N' Rose whispered loudly but nervously.

"I think they are just annoyed by our loud talking..." The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named pointed out. Let's hope these goblins aren't fluent in Wiccan.

"Let's go, Axl N' Rose. Pumpkins aren't gonna be ready till Halloween. "

Note by The-Witch-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Axl N' Rose only didn't like witch's slingshot because mine was too small. They were super excited by some giant ones they found in a cupboard...

I went to Silver Fox's room to assassinate her but was informed she has gone away for the weekend.

At approximately 6:00PM I entered [STAIRCASE REDACTED] and knocked on Silver Fox's door, with my nerf gun primed behind my back. However, the door was answered by a man who informed me that she had gone away for the weekend, forcing me to call off the attempt.

Me and my helpfull cakewielding accomplice went to [COLLEGE REDACTED] and attempted to kill Gp, he was not present; His room light was off and his door was shut (so he was likley out) I then ventured with him to [COLLEGE ALSO REDACTED] under the guise of cake (and death (said quietly)) and while his target wasn't present, we ran into some randoms, who we gave some cake to and massively confused. They also helpfully told us he was not going to be present, as he was meeting with his parents at their hotel.