The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

We once went inco-bashing together. Today I had to it myself.

{translated from the original Gasmoxian}

*cut to studio with neither anchor there* *camera pans up to a spaceship* Hello to all you lucky Gasmoxians - you asked for it, so we delivered. We're going to commentate live this week and physically put ourselves in harm's way! What's this for, you ask? It's only for SURVIVAL OF THE FAAAAAAASSSSTEST! Yes, we're going to travel with that noblest of racers (by which I mean completely and utterly ignoble), Nitros Oxide, to his latest victim..uh, I mean challenger!

Let's find out who that should be, Zam, because we've got some travelling to do! Did you fix the hyperdrive? Obviously, I got Dingodile on the case pretty much instantly. So good to have sponsorship from N. Brio. On that note, here's a message from Dr. N. Brio himself: "STOP PLAYING WITH SLINKIES! I INVENTED THEM, THEY'RE MINE!" He sponsored this whole program just to say that. Seems that way, Zam!

Anyway, let's SPIN. THE. WHEEL! *spins* Oh good, it isn't far. I mean, um... OH MY VELO IT'S [COLLEGE-PLANET REDACTED]. One of the bedrocks of civilisation, it's probably one of the richest planets in the known universe. It's represented by Tom Zhang, who combined his love of sports and his planet's wealth to build a sports-themed rocket. Odd choice in the modern era, isn't it Zam, when the UFO-style spaceship shape is preferred by most people? Yes, but Zhang loves his straight line speed - and you just can't get that with something as unaerodynamic as a UFO!

And we've arrived! Just at the same time as Oxide, it seems, who is currently using cunning and guile (and his best innocent voice) to persuade a local citizen to give him access to the planet's surface. However, it seems that Mr Zhang is not there - what a shock! Does this mean that we'll have to call it a night? ZAM - THERE - LOOK OUT THE WINDOW! It's Tom Zhang's craft! Oxide has seen it too and he's hiding out on the planet - in a bar, obviously! Being the most famous racer in the known universe must take a lot out of you, eh, Zem?

We're just getting info in now that says that Zhang has returned from his sporting endeavours, but he's accompanied by an accomplice. And Oxide burst out of the bar as he hears Zhang approaching - his accomplice shouts to warn Zhang, but it's too late! Oxide has got him and the race is on!

ONE BLOOD-SOAKED RACE LATER...

And that's it for Zhang! He's lost and Oxide is the winner! Guess what that means now, Zem? Um, they all shake hands and Oxide goes home for some brunch? NO, WE TURN THEIR PLANET INTO A PARKING LOT! I should warn any children or aliens with nervous dispositions to look away now like the wusses they are.

*intergalactic space laser sounds*

Woops, looked like the Asphalt Cannon was a little overpowered - we may have destroyed [COLLEGE-PLANET REDACTED]. Ah well, it's not like it wasn't worth it for god-tier TV!

Till next time, hail Emperor Velo the 27th!

Two colleges, very close to each other. I always got them confused. Fortunately, there's someone who I wish dead in both of them. Unfortunately, they're either aware of that and hence take appropriate precautions, or just don't see any reasons to leave their rooms in week 5 (which is probably more likely).