Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Saturday, 25 January

[10:55 AM] Josh McQuail (Watcher in the Water) sees no more, Tarquinius Superbus made sure of that
Tarquinius Superbus reports:

I have no pity for him, because I wish him the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not â?? that one endures. - Tanganyika Laughter Epidemic

[13:00 PM] The friends of The Doctor set out to hunt down the incompetent. James Brotherston (Duck, Duck, Duck, Gauss), James Harry Brett (Enkvir), Jonathan Michael Foonlan Tsang (Jonny) (The Siberian Stabber) and Yinglun Teng (Alex the Average) are apprehended
Madame Vastra reports:

After the doctor gave us a list of criminals to investigate, Jenny and I departed. At the first house one of the residents was kind enough to let us in where my wife killed James Harry Brett with a concealed pistol. It seems he'd been employed as at Sweetville.

Jenny was then able to gain access to Yinglun Teng through the college kitchens. Upon questioning, she uncovered that he'd been trading secrets to aliens in return for protection. She terminated his arrangement.

At that point Jenny returned home to clean the blood off her clothes and I continued the hunt together with three more of the doctor's friends. We managed to find James Brotherston within the ruins of Sweetville, it seems he'd been trying to salvage the red leech. We apprehended him leaving the bath and The Valeyard was able to show him his folly.

- Madame Vastra

The Valeyard reports:

Demon's Run. The day that River Song abandons the Doctor, he finds out who she is and the day when he stops playing in the shadows and the 'good man' goes to war. But it's not just the day that he finds out who she is; it's the day he starts to realise what he is. It's the day the Doctor starts to realise his true potential. As a strategist, a warrior, a leader, and ultimately as a conqueror. He's appalled now, but he'll learn.
I digress. My plans move on apace and with my previous foe fallen at the hand of a trusted friend it is time to exert a little influence closer to home. The situation on Gallifrey is complicated; with our Lord President in seemingly indefinite closed session with the High Council, it is the General who now seems to be giving the orders. Those two will soon be on a collision course and I need to be in position before that happens.
To this end I took a squad of the remaining Chancellory Guard to have Brotherson, one of the General's men (and one of my most vocal opponents) brought for trial from his Academy on charges of treason under the emergency powers issued by Rassilon before the end of the war. We were unable to locate him at his lodgings and I was considering my options when I heard flowing water nearby. Suspecting that he might be bathing, I decided it prudent to wait and ordered the squad to made themselves inconspicuous. As he returned to his lodgings, I confronted him. He drew a weapon and I was forced to defend myself, - at least that is what the record will state. The guards were bribed and will not say anything for fear of this coming to light, and with everything still in chaos from the war nobody will have the time to question the lack of a weapon on his body, why I had to shoot him three times - enough to interrupt his regeneration cycle, or why he was shot in the back.

The Valeyard,
Court Prosecutor by appointment of The High Council of the Time Lords of Gallifrey

Ood Sigma reports:

I am pleased to report that the Jonathan Michael Foonlan Tsang (Jonny) of Ood Operations has been killed. Have a nice day.

Thargo Hoath reports:

I had thpent the week trying to puthle out the meaning of Hilman'th litht, but today it wath time for my nathonal therthithe, when athathinth and thellthwordth are called to armth to thlaughter the unworthy. I armed mythelf with a thniper rifle and my thword, Thurprithing Thalutathonth. I altho carried a Throngarm in my ruckthack. I arrithed at the meeting plathe, ready for blood. Then I thaw the targeth: all of them on Hilman'th litht. It appearth the authoritieth with to thut hith game down the hard way. I kept quiet, thith could be dangerouth.

We thplit into two groupth. I wath athigned to patrol the outer-thentral areath. Firtht we went to my home college, in thearch of Duck Duck Duck Gauth. I wath forthed to open the doorth, letht my cother be blown. I went along, ath rumour had it he wath attending a local tournament and not in. Rumour wath true. We protheeding wetht, but no one wath in in the nectht college either. At the nectht college after that, a thentry ethcorted uth outthide. We protheeded thimilarly for a while: out, already dead (My college mother, whom I wath readily betraying) out, out. Ethentually our patrol dethided enough wath enough, tho we returned home.

Ath I reached my home college, I dithcovered the other patrol. Duck Duck Duck Gauth wath no more apparently. Thtill thirthty for blood, I joined their group. Ath we crothed the road in thearch of murder, a hailthtorm of terror thwept down upon uth. We all ran for cother, and waited it out. We then went looking for the target. Ath with all the otherth, they weren't in. At thith point the group thplit. Thome went home, or thet forth for the outer collegeth. A group of three of uth retrathed earlier footthtepth.

Thith time there wath more luck. The firtht target wath not in, but arrithed ath we were leathing. Ath I thtood thumbling with my rifle, my two companionth thot him in a double team attack. Unfortunately there wath no more acthon, ath everyone elthe wath out, or had a thentry to guard them. I had thome fun though, and I will thtrike out again thoon.

Jenny Flint has gained status as Friend of The Doctor

The Silence reports:

The Silence did go to the incobash. However, no one remembers it.

[19:35 PM] Benjamin Redwood (Maverick McGavin, Admiral of The Cambridge Student) goes down with his ship, while Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock is making the headlines
Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock reports:

Strike while the ironâ??s hot, my Mother always said. So, in short, thatâ??s just what I did, hot off the heels of my first blood. I bludgeoned him over the head with his own newspaper and shot him whilst his friends looked on. Silly journalist; the guy had it coming...

[20:55 PM] Louis Colquhoun (Inhuman Muffin) is squashed under the wheels of Nitros Oxide
Nitros Oxide reports:

Hey. We're Zam and Zem. And because we love you amazing, blood-thirsty aliens out there so much, we thought we'd get you a present. Oh don't worry, it's only small, it's not much. IT'S ONLY ANOTHER EPISODE OF SURVIVAL OF THE FAAAAAAAAAAAASTEST! The only show on Naughty Dog 1 that brings you death, violence and destruction - guaranteed! We've got so many blood and guts, we're banned in over 40 different systems! That's right! 40!

Stop blabbing, you warty cretin, they didn't tune in to listen to you! Oh, sorry, Zam, got a bit excited there! Yes well, see that it doesn't happen again - let's get straight to the action. And already in our cameras you can see your champion, the noble Nitros Oxide! Let's just quickly go over to Zim with some stats. Well, Zam, his current record is 4520 wins for and *cough*1 loss*cough. Curse that insufferable bandicoot. Well that's quite enough of that - you guys know what we do now!

SPIN. THE. WHEEL! Yes, let's find out which lucky - or should I say, loathsome, eh, Zem - planet is up for potential parking-lot-isation tonight. Here we go! *spins wheel* We have..oh my Velo, it's [COLLEGE-PLANET REDACTED]! A dodgy past with modern tendencies, but then we like that here on Survival of the Fastest. Maybe tonight the challenger will have a chance, Zem! *dead silence* *entire studio breaks out into laughter* Hahahaha, good one, Zam - he's as dead as Tiny Tiger's credibility.

Oh, shhh, shh, Oxide's approaching the planet now! The register challenger for this planet is none other than Louis Colquhoun, gentleman thief and generic gangster - reminds me quite a lot of that beast Pinstripe, doesn't he? Now you say it, Zam, yes he does! Oh, wow! Colquhoun takes the challenge openly! Now that's what we like to see, not like that wimp [WIMP REDACTED] last week.

And they're lining up on the start line! Oxide plumping for the hoverbike this time around, not exactly common, but interesting choice. Colquhoun going for his standard classic race car - it is a thing of beauty, isn't it, Zem? Sure is - shame it's going to be destroyed! Never mind that now, the flag is up! It's 3! 2! 1! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And it's Colquhoun who takes the lead! Wow - surely not - not now - not Oxide? He's got a plan up his exhaust, you'll see, Zem. And what's this? He's taking something out from his kart! It's some kind of remote! He's laughing? Oxide, you're so far behind, you don't have time for this! And...



*cuts to technical difficulties sign*

Well, after that excitement, which you'll all see again in our recap show - Survival of the Fastest: Fastester {Translator's note: Gasmoxian is really hard, guys}, we have to cut there. I've been Zam! And he's been Zem! You mean you've been Zem? Have I?


Hail Emperor Velo the 27th!

Sunday, 26 January

[13:00 PM] Swanson is in on wrong level, he can't find Dante
Swanson reports:

Son, let me tell you a thing or two about hunting.
The worst enemy of a hunter is a locked door. A locked door is like a salad. Obstructive and unwanted.
So, when I went out hunting last night (10pm) with my assistant, (I would like to point out that I am entitled to an assistant, and so by not taking one up to this point have saved the taxpayer over $10.) to seek out the incompetent Dante, who lives literally just across the road in -college withheld-, we were presented with 3 locked doors in order to get into the college, and once we were inside (through a delivery entrance) this mire of poor access. We made it by innocuously following a resident into the ground floor of the target's building, but no-one was around to let us into the staircase necessary to reach the target.

Man, I hate dealing with the public.
Today's moustache level: fruity.

[15:00 PM] Silent Sniper turns an attack by Swanson into a hostage situation
Swanson reports:

Today I went hunting again. 4 targets total, a mix of personal and incos, and a very poor result. The first, I could not gain access to the staircase. The second, after I had painstakingly staked out the room for 10 minutes, a neighbour told me that the target was jail-breaking. The third, I thought I saw, near their room, but they disappeared before I could get an ID. The fourth, I thought would be a cinch. As I climbed the stairs, I heard the target joking with a friend about how undefended they were against assassins! Perfect. As I approached the room, I realised from the conversation volume that the target was standing in or near their doorway. So, I chose my moment, and emerged, killer penguin in hand. Drat! I realised just as I looked around the corner, I had timed it just wrong, and sure enough, the target had just enough time to ensure my flung penguin bounced off the door.

We end with, an URGENT MESSAGE FOR Silent Sniper. As you may know, I do believe animals to be good only for two things: food, and sport. However, Oliver, my companion "Killer attack penguin", was, and I hope is, certainly very good at hunting.
He has been in my care for a good 7 years now.


I realise, as a hostage of conflict, he is yours by rights, however, I ask, as a matter of assassins' honour, that you please do not hurt him. He only wanted to hurt you out of a sense of unwavering loyalty to his owner.
I would be willing to post ransom of chocolate or similar, at your preference, in exchange for his return.
If you find this acceptable, please contact me (via the umpire), and we can arrange a time, place, and flavour.
Alternatively if you wish to use him for the duration of the game, I'm sure he will be quite a complicit assistant.

However, please do not think I am done here. I will find you, again, and I will kill you.

[19:30 PM] Cheesey Ostrich get's its head out of the sand and kills Madeleine Steer (Maddie) (Mysteerious)

[21:00 PM] Mad Jack kills dad Zack Hassan (Venom)
Mad Jack reports:

I was enjoying the atmosphere of the college bar when I saw my college dad across the room. It struck me that just that morning I had seen his name on the incompetence list, and the idea of shooting him came to mind, an easy way to extend my incompetence deadline. I acted on this sudden bloodlust, and shot him through the head with the gun I keep tucked into the pocket of my jacket. Both my college sister and mother watched on in horror, and I began to feel that this time I may have gone to far - I had torn apart our college family, and Zach, on his death bed, disowned me. In many ways I regret this kill and I hope that our relationship may be rekindled in the next life! Sorry Dad!

Mad Jack

Venom reports:

Patricide! My college daughter, Mad Jack, killed me with a shot to the jugular. As I lay bleeding to death in the college bar, I asked her if she could have just told me she didn't appreciate my parenting style.

[21:30 PM] Amy Pond gets stabbed by Purple Turtle

*note gets slipped into the prison cell of River Song*

You know I donâ??t condone of doing things like this, but the situation is dire. Amy was having a relaxed evening with friends as a wanted criminal Purple Turtle entered the party and stabbed her with a Sycoraxian blade. I managed to get there in time and get her to the hospitals of Bendelmoon so she will be fine but this is not only an attack on a friend of mine but also a breach of the Shadow Proclamations Article 73.b. I was hoping that you or the church of The Silence could help track this criminal down as Amy is not the first innocent killed. Having access to Sycoraxian weaponry I am worried it might pose a threat to earth.

-The Doctor

PS: Stand back

*Half a cyberman comes flying in through the wall crashing against the door to the cell and blinks a couple of times before completely shutting down. In its chest are carved space-time coordinates*

Monday, 27 January

[10:00 AM] Jenny Flint looks for Sicarius but finds a different corpse
Jenny Flint reports:

Well, in Victorian London it never hurts to make sure the dead stay dead. Still, it would be really useful if any of the Doctor's technology provided on-the-spot IDing...

[13:00 PM] Jenny Flint gets her clothes bloody again, killing Konstantinos 'Kostas' Kyriakopoulos (Sicarius)

[14:00 PM] Earl Grey goes shopping: Milk, sugar and the head of John Fenton (known as Jamie) (The Preacher Casy)
Earl Grey reports:

I wish I could pretend to have deduced the times at which my target went shopping. Sadly, I must confess that this was a chance encounter.
I stood in the queue of Sainsbury's, topping up on milk, sugar and (of course) the finest Earl Grey tea bags, when I looked across to the neighbouring queue and who should be there but the target whom I had been researching the day before.
Master of subtlety I am not: I froze and remarked to my friend that I had just made this discovery. I told him my intent and asked him to watch my items. He simply replied "make it so." Waiting until my dear target had his hands sufficiently full of shopping to reduce the chance of him being able to pull a weapon on me, I stood on the other side of his checkout. As he passed I called his name just to confirm his identity, then drew my knife. His reactions were fast, I give him credit there, for he nearly evaded the blade, but I just about made contact, then made a second stab for good measure. I hope he wasn't looking forward to whatever food he had purchased.
In his dying moments, my killer expressed relief that his ordeal was over, then slipped out of consciousness. I returned to my shopping, then went home for a celebratory mug.

[16:30 PM] Ace abolishes the monarchy, killing David Lawrence (Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock)

[20:00 PM] Julianne Joswiak (Mrs Smith) and Kamile Rastenyte (Sellenia) have left the game

The above mentioned players have been removed from the game upon their own request.

[21:00 PM] Gwen Cooper and Amy Pond go looking for Tarquinius Superbus - no sucess
Amy Pond reports:

Another violation of the Shadow Proclamation. Tarquinius Superbus was wanted for unauthorised use of class B(anana) weaponry. I decided I would need some backup against an assassin clearly not afraid to break the rules. I teamed up with a member of Torchwood, an old associate of the Doctor's, Gwen Cooper. Armed with high tech Torchwood weaponry, we set off to take down this dangerous criminal. Not as easy at it looked, we couldn't find his hideout. We ran across Jenny Flint, who couldn't find his address either, so we headed back to the Torchwood Hub to check with their data banks to find out more. Having located the target, we set out again, and managed to sweet talk some of his neighbours into letting us in. Sadly, he wasn't as careless as the rest of the household, and had set up a monitoring system, and knew we were there, so we were unable to get access to his lair. We left a note. He knows we will be back.

Lots of love,

Amy Pond and Gwen Cooper

[22:00 PM] The Valeyard investigates...

Tuesday, 28 January

[08:45 AM] Sombra stabs the already dead The Siberian Stabber

[09:00 AM] The Haunter becomes the haunted and the WANTED
Haunter reports:

In going about my day-job I happened to pass a location I knew well, as I had been scouting it out previously this week, for the purposes of my not-so-day-job... To my fortune (or so I thought), a young man was chaining up his bicycle outside the front door of this -college withheld- abode. Aha! - I thought, and parked my vehicle before approaching him from behind. "-Name withheld-?" I asked innocently, and as he turned in response I sunk a knife into his chest. Perhaps a little more decorum and subtlety was called for, considering the broad daylight and public setting - but ah well, I thought to myself. Then my world slowly dissolved in horror as I found the corpse before me speak in ghostly tones, whilst the pool of blood spread around him, "Who's -Name withheld-?"

Arghhh! - and so I am to be hunted.

(Also, as an aside, it turned out to be the house 2 doors down and I'm just a failure at attention to detail. Sob.)

[11:00 AM] Wilfred Mott goes Arnold on Josh McQuail (Isar)
Wilfred Mott reports:

The incompetent Sanil Roy has been terminated.

[18:00 PM] Swanson recovers his penguin from the cold dead hands of Sarah Assaf (Silent Sniper)
Swanson reports:

After a brutal, and merciless campaign of disappointment, today I was finally able to secure the return of my beloved penguin.
It was a drawn-out affair, as my enthusiastic accomplice, April Ludgate and I staked out the grounds of the target's accomadation, waiting to see if they would emerge. After a while, they had not and we were really, really cold, so we checked inside. The target was not in. Darn! So, we headed back home, but just as we were descending the stairs we came face to face with the target. I think she recognised me from a previous attempt, but then WHAM. Ron Swanson is quick on the draw. After this, her phantom was kind enough to return my penguin to me.

April Ludgate reports:

Hello. My name is April Ludgate and I am currently Ron Swanson's assistant. Although I'm not being paid for this role, I'm participating as I love games that turn people against each other.
I was left to stand outside the target's staircase with instructions to ring when she emerged. However, she did not. It was very cold, and I was about to give up when Ron reappeared and suggested we try knocking on her door.
This was clearly a ridiculous strategy, but I did not object as I did not care. The target was not in and we retreated, only to find her climbing up the stairs behind us. After a shocked pause, Ron shot her. He claims that it was a good shot, but the truth is he got lucky.
It was disappointing that we found the target, as I wanted her to win so his happiness would go away. But maybe I will get some compensation for being such a good hostage negotiator (which was not in the internship job description).

[18:30 PM] Nitros Oxide only finds the wreck of Maverick McGavin, Admiral of The Cambridge Student and no Mary Watson
Nitros Oxide reports:

{translated from the original Gasmoxian} *Error* report withheld untill further notice

[19:00 PM] little fella is growing up, killing Andrew Harland (nickname: Harland) (Tiberius II)
little fella reports:

When I was walking through -College withheld-, I saw one of my targets in -court withheld-. I had to use this opportunity, especially since my lightsaber was craving its weekly portion of blood; so I approached the unsuspecting Tiberius II straight away, stabbed him and quickly walked away, afraid of other assassins that might have seen me.

Tiberius II reports:

May the blood keep flowing.

[21:00 PM] Tarquinius Superbus shoots Harriet Meredith (Merridew)

Wednesday, 29 January

[10:00 AM] Madame Vastra brings the criminal Stanislav Fort (Tarquinius Superbus)
Madame Vastra reports:

A few days ago, I discovered an anomalous radioactive signature which I traced back to one Stanislav Fort. I was able to catch Mr Fort leaving a lecture at 10 am. After a single shot, I do not think he will be playing with such dangerous materials again.

- Madame Vastra

[12:00 PM] Margrave Zephyr tries camping and fails
Margrave Zephyr reports:

They say Camping is for noobs, and as of today, I could start to see where this is coming from.

After spending good best part of an hour camping the hideout of little fella, the target failed to show up both in the morning (when one would assume assassins to start thinking about going to lectures) and in the afternoon (at the time, when lunch hall was open for all those who are hungry).

This guy is clearly an extremely keen assassin with several lookouts, or an English student who lives purely on pot noodles......

[18:00 PM] A double means trouble! Heather Britton kills the wrong man and goes WANTED
Mad Jack reports:

Mad Jack has gone rogue. I made the apparently common mistake of killing the wrong Daniel (Danny) Hunt. He was eating his dinner in caff at the time, but never sadly never got to finish his burger.

The Umpire notes: Mad Jack will get to know the real Daniel (Danny) Hunt as she joins him on the WANTED list.

Thursday, 30 January

[01:00 AM] The circle of life has ended for Eleanor Colville (Moriarty) as she got killed by Tank Engine in Cindies

[18:00 PM] Augustin Zidek (The dead child) lives up to his name with the help of a little fella
little fella reports:

I looked up some incompetents on facebook and linkedin in the morning so I was over the moon when I saw one of them in -College withheld-. I had to seize this chance and so I stuck my lightsaber in his back.

Friday, 31 January

[10:00 AM] Mad Jack starts the road to redemption by killing Kiara de Kremer (Krem-Fresh)
Mad Jack reports:

I confess this killing was down purely to luck. Kiara de Kremer happened to be walking towards her lecture when I recognised her face from the research I had performed at the beginning of term. She had been one of my original targets, and tracking her down had proven both difficult and time consuming. For this reason I was delighted to see her walk past, so I took aim and fired, but the bullet only hit her arm. She turned an ran after taking a moment to realise exactly why she had been shot at by a stranger, but my bullet was faster and the second shot struck her in the back. She quickly died thereafter.

[13:00 PM] The show is over for Joe Tomkinson (The Fool). Earl Grey lowers the curtain
Earl Grey reports:

The -area withheld- gets rather crowded after lectures. The presence of a corpse in the road today (still bleeding from a gunshot wound) didn't make the traffic flow any quicker, that's for certain. Dreadfully sorry about that.

[13:30 PM] Mystery surrounding the death of Michael Painter (MP). Is The Silence involved?
The Silence reports:

After an MP's mysterious disappearance after entering his room, the alien-defense plan he was proposing is going to be dropped. It is suspected that this might be a political assassination. However, investigators don't remember anything about the MP's room and have thus been unable to determine anything at all about the case.

[23:00 PM] Itchy trigger finger at 'Itchy Feet' proves fatal for Tom Flynn (Swanson) as his attempt on Purple Turtle gets him killed by Cheesey Ostrich
Purple Turtle reports:

Sadly I must report the death of a fellow assassin. While enjoying an evening at a college ents evening, Tom Flynn approached me to ask whether I was still alive. As I have been on the wanted list of late I guess it was a fair question. I carefully avoided the question, whilst clutching my trusty knife tight. After a short conversation, it seemed that he did not wish to kill me and we parted ways. Not long later, Live and Let Die started playing on the speakers, setting into motion what was to come. Tom was approaching, apparently inspired by the soundtrack. I quickly dodged behind a crowd of people, a rubber band flying over my shoulder. I leapt from my cover and stabbed towards him - an attempt he nimbly backstepped out of. I immediately took cover again, and before I knew what was happening, my associate Cheesey Ostrich had killed Tom for simply baring a weapon. I take no pleasure from Tom's death - he was a gentleman in life and I am sure that he will continue to be a gentleman in death. It is a fate that awaits all those that try to remove me from the wanted list by force.

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