The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Chloroform Tea wandered innocently down the road, the joys of spring (assorted flowers, birds, butterflies and bunnies) scattered around her dainty steps. Then a rumble, a flash and a weird sound like a cow throwing up, and she was gone, nothing left but her hat. Omega Flares are rare phenomena, but do beware, they strike fast and with little warning!

Even when sat on a windowsill, innocently cooling down, the Lady of the Cake can find herself afflicted by Omega Flares. The only failsafe way to avoid Omega Flares is to wrap yourself in clingfilm and chant verses of religious texts loudly. Do this whenever you can, especially if you are in open spaces and near some bushes.

A certain bearded, cricket-hat-wearing Homertonian walked past me at Grassy Corner on the way to watching Homerton W2 race this afternoon. He didn't notice me until it was too late. Easy knife kill.

The terror shark was HUNGRY! Long morning! So the terror shark! Raaaaaaaaaaaargh!, momento mori and A Hint of Nostalgia chased Comin atcha like a three-letter-acronym. but sadly, Comin atcha like a three-letter-acronym was not so much Comin atcha like a three-letter-acronym as running away from us like a 4-legged cheetah (A Hint of Nostalgia tells me this should be a cheetah furry), so despite looping around quite a lot, we missed him.

1) Me shoots chris 2) Me leaves Robinson and sees two assassins by the robinson bridge entrance 3) Me attempts to ambush said assassins from bicycle racks, but then realises they are in fact three rather than two, and that one of them is Jake 4) Me runs to summon Adam to help from up the road: He's not in, so run back. 5) Shoot Beth along Burrels Walk

1) Coryan kills Chris Powell 2) Coryan bumps into me, Beth and Jake and successfully runs away 3) Jake and me try to loop around, but can't find him 4) In the meantime, Coryan returns to the end of Burrell's walk and kills Beth after a brief firefight

There was A Hint of Nostalgia in the air. It wafted towards C for Miles and Augustus the Cat, and following it was the terror shark! Raaaaaaaaaaaargh!. the terror shark! Raaaaaaaaaaaargh! shot a non-playing member of the group after misunderstanding C for Miles then there was a big sploosh which resulted in the terror shark! Raaaaaaaaaaaargh! GETTING Augustus the Cat, too! Nom nom nom!

My dear father tried to kill me. He failed. He died.

Nom nom nom! My gun- er- shark teeth were malfunctioning a bit, but since John Barrett was in post-Ball slumber, this didn't really matter. It was something like, fire-jam-fire-jam-flick-gun works again- Yeah, that one hit me. Then, John Barrett invited us in for a cup of tea.

Someone threw a water bomb at me on Garret Hostel Lane. It exploded on the ground splashing both my feet. I had no way of knowing whether or not it was an Assassin, since it was thrown from above (probably from Trinity College, though possibly from Trinity Hall, and walked away. I was wearing black tie at the time (for a legit reason - I should have been at Boat Club Dinner, but there'd been a mistake and I wasn't booked). If this was an Assassin, then obviously it's up to the Umpire whether the kill (from walking on the wounded leg) stands.

A lovely visit to the Rocksoc picnic, with many smiling faces, a corpse among them (Mr Barrett), and a bouncy maiden whose brave attempts to fight me off (with one of my guns, too) led to her getting wet. Well, I do have that effect on girls, I suppose!

I really should stop eating up girls... :P

your mum was hanging around outside my door. He left. I followed him to the plodge, however there he told me that Jenny Hawkin had already killed him. LOL

I miss hunting with you, dude. That and the AWESOME nights...

I haven't contact poisoned my hands during that long firefight / hunt / stealing of your bag. Honest. 0:-)

Whilst doing a quick patrol of Pembroke and the surrounding area, I saw Tom Wooten and shot him.

While wandering back with The assassin currently standing right behind you, calmly taking aim at your head and Chloroform Tea, enjoying a nice conversation before events later in the evening, A Stygian cloud of charcoal ebony espied D for Ential wandering to hall unarmed. This matter was swiftly righted, he soon had 3 rubber bands impacting his person with which he could have returned fire in the case of revivification. It did not occur.

Returning to his lair, Shiroi Ryu encounters a cowering reformed Mathmo. "Spare me my humble life" quoth he. "Nay," replied the wyrm, "thou'rt in no peril, for I am merciful, and devour only those on the List," *flourishes List*, "to do aught else would imperil my hoard of Points". Upon hearing this, the cur did change his plea: "Shoot me! Shoot me! Thou dirst not try!". Happy to oblige, the serpent continued on his way, flicking aside the charred remains of his taunter. Meddle ye not in the affairs of dragons, for ye are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!

I really should check the water rules thoroughly

Tumbleweeds roll past that lowly lil' town of Churchillville. A putrid stench hovers in the air like an injin's pipe smoke. Two visitors, a cowboy and his gal, enter the saloon. A voice greets them from a corner, where a muscled man scowls as he sips his drink:

Ah thought ah'd told yas never to come no more to Churchillville! Yous gonna pay for this!

Gunshots break out, the visitors jump over tables and upturn them. Gunpowder fills the air as shots shake the drinkery. Then the muscled man falls prey to a stray bullet and crashes to the floor, gasping. Two more swift shots put paid to him, then his killer utters a quick prayer and orders two drinks. The other regulars turn back to their drinks and return to dull monotony.

Why is a platypus like a carton of milk on it side? Because neither of them have nipples. Why is Adam Guterres like a dead assassin?...

Into battle did go, the Lady of Cake,
'Gainst the Duke and Duchess, who thought to take,
Her life by guns, firing deadly bands,
Then she threw herself into their hands.

Her valiant zombie rat charged into the fray,
but failed to slay them, much to her dismay.
Left alone with a knife, her courage prevailed
but alas! as she charged, her stamina failed.

Cut down in her prime by a flurry of blows,
she fell in battle, at the mercy of her foes;
yet her memory shall live on, for ever and always,
which just goes to prove, valiant behaviour pays.

Duke and Duchess

Heard someone trying my door without knocking. Naturally suspicious, I came to the door and took a look- no-one there. As I went back into the room, I saw The Duke trying to enter through the window. As it was locked, and I was pointing a gun at him, he left.

Mr Tickle has ex-tra-or-di-na-ri-ly long arms. This did not use to stack well with his using an Aquapak Devastator until he learnt to shorten his lunging somewhat *rip* *splooshsplash* *repairs*. Mr Tickle was in the vicinity of Trinity Ballqueue. He reached into the Backs and Tickled the operator of the helter skelter *insert silly picture of dude in hysterics falling off the top of helter-skelter*. He wonders whether he could drop a waterbomb onto Mr Wootten on the Orgasm Bridge while standing in *New Hall* *insert picture of wavy orange arms of doom emanating from the Dome*, but settles simply for giving Miss Limey and Miss Boatie a deserved surprise with his ex-tra-or-di-na-ri-ly long range armaments *insert picture of Limey caught in her own birdnet and Alice falling into the Cam off the back of a pinguinimorphic paddleboat, both in hysterics and with a receding wavy orange gun-toting arm behind each*. And there'll be a small bounty to whoe'er supplies best piccies of these things. Report courtesy of Dr A

I killed the Duke on the bowling green at Pembroke College. He tried to knock on my door, which I saw from outside. I then hid in a bush and waited for him to come by. Then I shot him.

Heading down to the JCR for the evening, I was prepared that The Minister for Silly Walks could well be in there. Cor Blimey! I was right! Seizing the opportunity having flung the door open, I fired off a shot at him and immediately took cover behind the door. But the need was not there as the single shot had hit him straight in the chest and blood was quickly seeping from the wound.

What better way to round off a good night's partying than a bit of death. Although I'd enjoyed a very pleasant evening in their company, Jingle Bella and A Stygian cloud of charcoal ebony were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time - i.e. fatally close to my knife at balls-over o'clock.

Shortly after the fireworks ended, a shout from a known Fitzbilly alerted me to Mr. E's presence on top of castle mound. His presence was only felt for a few seconds longer, the few seconds, in fact, that it took me to fly across the space between us and stab him.

This afternoon, I needed a pee. Opening the door, I found a very surprised looking girl standing in the stairway. She started to ask me something or other about bacon, and then Alice Draper appeared holding a gun. As is customary in this particular sort of scenario, I then shot her.

He was wearing a hat at first, but in a seductive move, he... took it off. For use as a flag. Did I see Luke Richard Bennett? Well, yes and no. Mainly yes. For some value of "yes".

I surprised de stiekemerd in Pembroke, but failed to hit her with the first shot. A brief stand-off was resolved by her friend phoning Comin atcha like a three-letter-acronym to ask for assistance, whereupon I decided that fighting both of them at once would be foolish and left.

First, I ate his LEGS! Then, I ate the REST of him! Firefights are tasty :D

Tibbles, the undead rat, redeemed himself after his previous failiures as a minion

It started with me finding a Kama Sutra in my room. Can't remember whose it is. Then...

Duke: We know what we're doing tonight, then...
Emily: Orly?
Me: I wonder how many of those positions you actually have to be conscious for...
*Jake makes a cosh*
*Beth coshes everyone and cackles*
Speculations occur about Beth lolesting everyone and the fail that would occur if someone were to burst into my room and Beth died due to having just coshed all her allies.


lololololol.

Bravely bold Sir Tinton rode forth from Churchill.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Tinton!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Tinton!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Tinton!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

I sensed him with my electroreceptors :)

BANG BANG BANG! :D

Chu GP. Shiroi Ryu sneaks round to far side of college buildings, rushes at fish temporarily engaged with burger. Profitunity!

Rubber bands deadening at least one of each kind of limb, CWS flees the scene. Crispy Umpire has us settle it by a duel. Unfortunately for Mr Michaelmas, limbs are quite useful, so Shiroi Ryu wins on maneuverability.

Beetle arrives Late, after being informed smsically of vital status of those present. While target was distracted by friends above, Simian Bird emerges from basement and shoots from low-visibility position.

I'd like to claim this RBG on second home allowances please may have claimed his RBG on second home allowances, but he still couldn't hit me with it. Given that I was hidden behind a door, and hence firing blind, I also failed to hit him. Possibly throwing a duck island at me would be more successful...

After a leisurely stroll through Trinity Burrels and New Hall, I wandered down to Emmanuel for a spot of reminiscing of Sunday night's events. Chancing upon the door of one Guttenplan, I thought it would be a good plan to have a good old fashioned imperial firefight. A full salvo from both our barrels was exchanged, with not a single hit from either. Bidding him good-day, I headed home.

Our most noble Umpire, while hailing down a cab on the west side of Orgasm Bridge, kindly took the time out of his evening to bang-kill me with naught but a pair of index fingers. I kindly thanked him before firing out the tyres with a CPS that was casually lying on the grass verge.

A convenient walk, a fortuitiously placed pedestrian and a misattached water bottle. Bad luck, Phil, but good to see you.

Our group of assassins was leaving a party with high spirits, looking for a companionable return to their respective demesnes without any violence. However a plan, as they say, never survives contact with a bunch of paranoid assassins and all went to pot when Chloroform Tea pulled out a gun and removed E for Brick from this mortal coil. Doing so in front of A Stygian cloud of charcoal ebony was perhaps a bad plan though as her demise quickly followed. A long game of cat and mouse followed until, both having exhausted all their rubber bands, A Stygian cloud of charcoal ebony managed to take down The assassin currently standing right behind you, calmly taking aim at your head with a scavenged pen.

17/06/09 2145 - The Duke approaches the Stephen Hawking building, finds Daniel O'Brien hiding, and challenges him to come out and fight.

17/06/09 2150 - the latter declines, stating that he shall let 'fate and chance dictate the time and date of such a meet'

18/06/09 1215 - Daniel O'Brien dies with the words 'I don't believe in fate and chance' in his ears.

(OoC) Daniel O'Brien utters the line 'is that a CPS I see before me, the nozzle towards my head?'

Om nom nom. Good luck with results, everyone! Just be wary near the Senate House ;)

Joshua Guy Blanchard Lewis warns all players that Ed Nokes is back, and has brought his nokesmobile. Powerful tool, laden with food and weapons no doubt, as well as definitely Adam Guterres and likely Monsieur J Doe. Dark green in hue, looked to be around an R-reg. Last seen near Jesus College.

Good luck to all.

Duke

Lovely setting, too, the Sidney Fellows Garden. Shame no one from Sidney is playing, really.

Lol Cake flying across selwyn court. Oh well. Shot him anyway :D

I stroked his beard. It's a very soft beard. Really. Maybe Nokes will let me stroke his beard. Unlike Simeon. He never lets me :(

Had a stab at some clairites. They rock!

Cakeface was running away from beards near the UL, and happened to spy some people wearing hats walking towards Legoland. Whilst following said hat-wearers, A Stygian cloud of charcoal ebony appeared. Cakeface was then sort of obliged to shoot A Stygian cloud of charcoal ebony, and did so.

Cycling down Pembroke street I noticed a rather familiar figure walking down the street in the opposite direction. Next to Mr J Doe was a tall fellow with a rather striking beard and long hair, which fit the description I have been given of a certain Mr Ed Nokes. Having heard of the re-instatment of the so called 'Nokesmobile' I started scanning the streets for the inevitable Guterres. At which point a large spray of water soaks my arms and legs, so I stop (also for the traffic lights) and look around. Seeing him I cry 'I'm in formal wear! No Water!' and cycle the hell out of there. From behind I hear cries of 'Oh Shit, she's no water!' and 'That's not formal wear' (which it most definately was, I dont think most people, including me, wear petticoats and velvet dresses for day wear this century). They pursued for a while, but bikes are faster than being on foot and they gave up the chase some time thereafter.

Tasty... sorry Alice, I'll get you lots of chocolate, I promise!

Whilst wandering around Cripps Court, Cakeface happened to bump into Augustus the Cat (who was dead) and C for Miles (who was not). Not being dead, C for Miles proceeded to produce a large gun and fire upon the person of Cakeface. This wholly missed, but for his efforts, Cakeface shot him. Lackaday.

I saw a group of people with water pistols running down a side street off Grange Road. Following, I was able to shoot their target for them, who was A for 'Orses.

After leaving a delightful ceilidh with Jingle Bella we were followed out by Shiroi Ryu who proceeded to gun down Jingle Bella. I, A Stygian cloud of charcoal ebony however managed to avoid the incoming fire and when he had wasted most of his ammo took him down with a bang.

(Un)Surprisingly, washing up your plates when a lurking Omega Flare is around is a bad idea. Frazzling may ensue.

Since Will's initials are W.W.W., do I get +1 internets for that kill?

There are no last minute killing sprees in Cambridge...

Last time I exchanged shots with you, they were flaming sambuca with a wasabi pea in, courtesy of The County Arms... :-D

After discovering an awesome place to lurk Burrells' Walk, we decided to go and be aggressive, so it went like this... Josh: Shall we go for Chris Powell? Me: He usually remembers to lock his door Josh: He sometimes doesn't. How about you try his door handle and I wait to see if he comes out onto his balcony to shoot at us? Er, it worked, basically.

Mortar shots are so tasty... :P

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