pieman reports:
Simple Simon met a pieman,
Going to the fair;
(I met Simon outside Emma)
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Let me taste your ware."
(He was really asking for it)
Says the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Show me first your penny,"
(I thought:"He's got a lot of points."
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
"Indeed, I have not any."
(And he didn't have any weapons)
pieman reports:
Having just shot Simon, I realised that nobody might kill Ug Gug today and that of course would break a tradition that is nearly as old as a week. There was only one solution to this DialEmma and so I shot the poor fellow myself.
Mrs Faithful's Uncle reports:
Hey, are you calling me incompetent or something? I've taken care of Ug Gug since the start of this game, and would not have failed to do so today!
Umpire reports:
I wouldn't taunt Björn... Besides it is high time that Ug Gug takes his revenge on Mrs Faithful's Uncle's Insincere Lieutenant's Messiah's Darn Smooth Magic Ass's Professor's Incredibly Greasy Spicy Krimson Corpse's Frightfully Vicious Nasty Yellow Knickers ... de la Melcocha.
The record is 13 deaths in May Week, and this required substantial efforts on the victim's part. :)
Lieutenent Leek reports:
My magic intuition informed me that the Lilac Lady wished not to be disurbed, and so I took steps to ensure she would not be woken for another four hours.
Rembrandt Q. Einstein reports:
Rub. I got shot. Was watching T.V in my room when I heard toilets flushing in the distance. I thought nothing of it till some merry-andrew burst into my soiled abode a shot me twelvety times in the head. Naughty. Very naughty indeed.
The Society Curio reports:
While in the dining queue, a routine check revealed the presence of a fellow assassin, namely SHARK. Seeming unaware of my presence, he happily continued to consume whatever it is they feed us, little knowing that it would be his last meal. I left my feeding trough to attend to this important matter. Swiftly and silently moving up behind him, I put a bullet in the back of his head at point blank range.
Frightfully Vicious reports:
So far, I've been frightfully virtuous on the inside and frightfully vicious on the outside, having made no effort at all to look for people. But not any more. Trinity Hall being just next door, I thought I'd pay a visit to that good old chap, James Wright. He opened the door when I knocked, and I mangled his corpse with a water pistol, so to say.
Rembrandt Q. Einstein reports:
A mischievous mooncalf thought t'would be rather grand if he used my putrid carcasse for target practice. The fiend then proceeded to utilise my corpse as some kind of puppet in series of unholy suicide missions. Not really. That was a lie.
Overkill reports:
i went round to Paivi's posing as a prospective student in her subject. she wasn't in. Newnham College is a girl's college, reknown for its oriental studies, so it happens that Paivi was aproached in the garden by a short, portly Arabesque girl, who nonchalently shot her 12 times with a short-barrel bandgun...
Nasty Knickers reports:
Oh, the choices today... Either I could have stayed inside or went to see a JCR/SCR rounders match in the gardens, get lots of pimms and also get nuked by the enthusiastic Man with the Uranium Cranium. Well, life is too short anyway and the lure of Pimms was too great, so I went and promptly got shot whilst concentrating on capturing the match on video.
Oh and Ed, you and your cunning disguise now both feature on the Newnham Target Schools video, seen by hundreds of schoolgirls all over Northern England. Whether this will make them want to come to Newnham is anyone's guess. ;)
Mr. Darn Smooth reports:
I think that killing while in drag, and on video, deserves a style bonus.
Lieutenent Leek reports:
Looking for some action, Messieur Cwaazy and I mosied on down to Robinson in search of Angela and Alex... but no one was apparently in. Just as we gave up hope of anything happening, the Dust Puppy appeared, and was, on averaging over all trajectories, the target of many thrown carrots. Particularly impressive was the one that managed to fly almost perpendicular to the Björn-Churchill vector. I myself was not feeling in a root vegetable-like mode (whomever is?) and so decided upon a good, old-fashioned water-bomb, which did its business sufficiently well to disable the Dust Puppy... or so I thought. In fact, as I ran across the lower level in order to circle around the defenders, the puppy managed to drag himself to the balustrade and squeeze of a rubber band, which by some freak of energy-momentum consideration apparently scattered most of my noggin over the courtyard (though the rest of my body didn't realise that I was dead for another ten yards). Vexingly, it seemed I had managed only to cripple one of the baby dog's four feet, an all too fatal mistake.
Captain Chaos reports:
O Lieutenent! my Lieutenent! our fearful trip is done, The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won, The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring; But O heart! heart! heart! O the bleeding drops of red, Where on the deck my Lieutenent lies, Fallen cold and dead.
Captain Chaos reports:
Chaos reigned in Robinson, Lieutenent Leek had chopped of the Dust Puppy's foot, who in turn had cut down my trustworthy Lieutenent. In outrage I threw a water bomb which hit Esau's other leg. His only protection now was Angela with her CPS on the balcony above him, who kept me from coming close. He avoided my projectiles, so I decided to use my grenade launcher from the other side of the trench and even though Alex dropped himself to the floor it got him.
SHARK reports:
Having trailed this suspect through the college on an earlier run and had to put up with playing playstation while she revealed her identity on this trip I saw her emerge from a doorway with two large weapons as this was as close to an invitation as i'll ever get I shot her in the back while she was searching for her target but I was too preoccupied to put up any resistence,
Captain Chaos reports:
After killing Alex I sprinted to the corpse of Lieutenent Leek, who was lying sprawled out in the court. I grabbed his bag of supplies and armed myself with his equipement in addition to mine, then I set out to find Angela, who had disappeared from the balcony.
I discovered her when she tried to sneak around me through a staircase and she disappeared again. What would she try now? Go around me on the far side? Try to approach from below?
Then suddenly I heard a loud BANG and saw her falling to the floor in the court below. Before I realised that she had just been shot, I perforated her as well. At which moment her killer sprinted away into N staircase.
Captain Chaos reports:
Angela's killer didn't seem to be well armed and unsurprisingly tried to leg it. However my superior position and weaponary made this attempt futile and he was severely soaked.
Mr. Darn Smooth reports:
Mr. Smooth was at the Carnival.
Standing in the queue for some champagne, I noticed a grinning face out of the corner of my eye. The vision was unmistakeable, so I drew my trusty herbal blade, advanced, and in a simple way plunged it into Matt's chest.
Mr. Laycock had plenty of time to react: he claims to be too lazy.
Now, what I call too lazy is not going to your own college May Ball so that a journeyman assassin can kill you there. Hey, Mr. Garnett!!!
and who on earth is Christine Clarke?
The Incredible Sulk reports:
Hey there indeed... I have to admit failing to notice you at a number of recent social events, much to my distaste... Still, give me a time and a place, and I will fail to turn up, and then attempt to ambush you as you approach.
Christine? Well, that's for me to know, and...
Actually, I really ought to kill her again.
The Society Curio reports:
While enjoying the fine alcoholic beverages of Trinity May Ball, I bumped into David Chow. For what reason I can only imagine, he said "I am unarmed". "I'm not", replied I, and mercilessly stabbed him in the chest.
Frightfully Vicious reports:
I'd already foolishly told the Society Curio that I would be going to the ball unarmed. Seeing my jolly assassin around the oyster bar, my Pavlovian reaction was to tell him again, and to freeze while I fell into the jaws of vice.
Produced at Thu Jun 21 19:33:39 2001 .