The Assassins' Guild: Michaelmas 2005 Game Awards
For various achievements and entertainments, the following awards are presented:
- The Lemming Award for the first to die:
- Marianne Park, who was killed by Nick Plummer lurking her toilet.
- The Holzhauer Award for psychopathy:
- Nick Plummer, for killing eleven players.
- Also unhinged:
- Richard Gibson and Aidan Robison, for killing ten and nine players respectively.
- The David and Goliath Award for best giant-killing activity by a new player:
- Withheld, due to a disappointing lack of giant-killing.
- The Ginger Cake Award for the smoothest kill:
- Tom Booth, who waited for Amos Michah How to finish what he was doing before killing him.
- The 'I Shot the Sheriff' Award for butchering cops:
- Awarded jointly to Philip Bridge and Ed Heaney, who managed two each.
- The Mario Sainz-Martinez Award for cowwuption:
- Tom Booth, who warned Steve McCann and Ed Heaney of the SWAT raid he was leading against them.
- Under investigation:
- David Birch, who attempted to bribe the Umpire not to make him incompetent.
- The Most Ironic Death Award:
- Simeon Bird, who, after likening the cyclists of Cambridge to "A Death Circus" and choosing that
as his pseudonym, was shot by Stephen Chester on a bike.
- The Dr Kimble Award for surviving the longest time on the wanted list:
- Alex Labram, who managed four days. Pitiful, really.
- The Kenny Award for dying far too many times:
- Kelly-Anne Packer, who was killed on three consecutive nights and later died as police.
- Also rather dead:
- Samuel Borin, who died in three
- The Robocop Award for killing wanted criminals:
- Tom Booth, for killing the only interesting criminal (the legendary Philip Bridge).
- The David Duffit award for secrecy and deception:
- Luci Sandbach, who managed to convince several people that she was playing, including one who
seemed to believe that she was targetting him.
- Not so secretive:
- Samuel Borin, for making so many enquiries about Charlotte Heron while she was out that she knew
he had visited before she had managed to park her bike.
- The 'Do you have my fish?' Award for excuse least likely to get someone to open the door:
- Christopher James Donnelly and Paul Anthony Dempster for inviting Dominic James
Graham Hockley to "answer a riddle and get a free satsuma".
- The Three Hours Early Award for paranoia:
- Sarah Tang bang-killed the space under her bed.
- Also amusingly on edge:
- Simon Dowrick, who suspected a letter sent with insufficient postage of being poisoned.
- Aidan Robison and Richard Gibson spent impressive amounts of time hiding in
lecture theatres and taking round-about routes between places.
- The Three Weeks Early Award for signing up early:
- Aidan Robison, for sending his sign-up e-mail on 22nd September.
- The Koom Valley Award for best ambush:
- Ross Edmondson, for ambushing Bethany Fay Colman during her attempt to kill him at a pubmeet, after
noticing that she had been searching for information about him on the Internet.
- The Order of the Black Coat for application of the art of disguise:
- Steve Mounsey, for lurking Wei Li while wearing a purple dressing gown and fluffy slippers.
- The Laurel And Hardy Award for most amusing double-act:
- Steve McCann and Janet Scott, who
seemed to have
a wonderful rapport.
- Also well-matched:
- Johannes Nordstrom and The Autoumpire after a slight "administrative error"
resulted in Johannes having thirty assassins. Evidently it felt the need to punish him for signing up late.
- The Darwin Award for death by stupidity:
- David Smith, for attempting to kill Louis Jagger using necromancy,
then going to visit him to make sure he was dead and getting killed in the process.
- The Reversed Burden of Johannes Award for unintentionally killing innocents:
- Alex Labram, who shot Nick Wood for browsing through his webspace.
- Also special:
- Philip Bridge, who killed Janet Scott's male neighbour.
- Philip Bielby, who shot a suspicious-looking individual who ran down the stairs shouting,
"I am not and never have been a member of the Assassins' Guild," while incobashing.
- The Leek and Safe Award for most interesting weaponry:
- Louis Jagger for using a mini
vacuum-cleaner as a soulsucker.
- Cruel and unusual:
- A number of players from Fitzwilliam College asked to use the Morning Star newspaper as a morning star.
- Tom Booth had his stripy "tiger boner" dog toy licensed as a cosh.
- The Catherine Zentile Award for least innocent innocent:
- Adam Biltcliffe for assorted acts of mischief, including pretending to be playing,
warning incompetents of approaching assassins and encouraging backstabbing.
- The Brutus Award for best betrayal:
- Christopher Doris, for calling a friend to help him fight off an assassin, then
waiting for the pair to double-kill.
- Also treacherous:
- Aidan Robison, for setting up Steve McCann. Allegedly.
- The Police Hero Medal:
- Tim Bartram, who attempted to take on three opponents armed with CPSes using a band gun.
- The Obfuscated Tutorial System Award for silliest pseudonym:
- Tom de Rivaz, for I have a dream that one day the city of Cantabridge, whose umpire's lips are
presently dripping with the words of mafias and thunderbolting, will be transformed into a situation where inexperienced
fresher boys and fresher girls will be able to join arms with master assassin boys and girls and walk together as
targets and killers. I have a dream today..
- Also pleasantly silly:
- Alice Harriet Rose Waterman, for Petruska, Plucker of Bone Marrow.
for the most amusing reports:
- The team behind Aidan Robison's reports of kills under
the name Xanth.
- Also amusing:
- Richard Gibson, for a parody of a mysterious post that appeared on the Assassins newsgroup.
- Louis Jagger, who wrote an entertaining report about locking his door.
- Paul Rapkin, who imitated a really bad thriller.
- The "My Hero" award for the biggest fanclub:
- Steve McCann, who received numerous compliments in reports.
- Less adored:
- The Umpire, who also received a curious amount of flattery.
- The "Bandwidth-what-bandwidth?" award for "annoying The Umpire with non-textual reports":
- Lucy Stephenson, who produced some
excellent drawings under the names Schtiel
and Flying Hippie Girl.
- The Yellow Streak award for running away:
- Michael Wallace, for his "attempt" on Ross Edmondson, a
"tactical retreat" and for hiding during the duel.
- Also Cowardly:
- Alex Labram, who spent a lot of time running away
from the police.
- The William Tell Award for marksmanship:
- Richard Gibson, for repeatedly missing Sarah Donnelly during the duel, despite her being legless.
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