The Assassins' Guild: Michaelmas 2005 Game Awards

For various achievements and entertainments, the following awards are presented:

The Lemming Award for the first to die:

Marianne Park, who was killed by Nick Plummer lurking her toilet.

The Holzhauer Award for psychopathy:

Nick Plummer, for killing eleven players.

Also unhinged:

Richard Gibson and Aidan Robison, for killing ten and nine players respectively.

The David and Goliath Award for best giant-killing activity by a new player:

Withheld, due to a disappointing lack of giant-killing.

The Ginger Cake Award for the smoothest kill:

Tom Booth, who waited for Amos Michah How to finish what he was doing before killing him.

The 'I Shot the Sheriff' Award for butchering cops:

Awarded jointly to Philip Bridge and Ed Heaney, who managed two each.

The Mario Sainz-Martinez Award for cowwuption:

Tom Booth, who warned Steve McCann and Ed Heaney of the SWAT raid he was leading against them.

Under investigation:

David Birch, who attempted to bribe the Umpire not to make him incompetent.

The Most Ironic Death Award:

Simeon Bird, who, after likening the cyclists of Cambridge to "A Death Circus" and choosing that as his pseudonym, was shot by Stephen Chester on a bike.

The Dr Kimble Award for surviving the longest time on the wanted list:

Alex Labram, who managed four days. Pitiful, really.

The Kenny Award for dying far too many times:

Kelly-Anne Packer, who was killed on three consecutive nights and later died as police.

Also rather dead:

Samuel Borin, who died in three separate incarnations.

The Robocop Award for killing wanted criminals:

Tom Booth, for killing the only interesting criminal (the legendary Philip Bridge).

The David Duffit award for secrecy and deception:

Luci Sandbach, who managed to convince several people that she was playing, including one who seemed to believe that she was targetting him.

Not so secretive:

Samuel Borin, for making so many enquiries about Charlotte Heron while she was out that she knew he had visited before she had managed to park her bike.

The 'Do you have my fish?' Award for excuse least likely to get someone to open the door:

Christopher James Donnelly and Paul Anthony Dempster for inviting Dominic James Graham Hockley to "answer a riddle and get a free satsuma".

The Three Hours Early Award for paranoia:

Sarah Tang bang-killed the space under her bed.

Also amusingly on edge:

Simon Dowrick, who suspected a letter sent with insufficient postage of being poisoned.

Aidan Robison and Richard Gibson spent impressive amounts of time hiding in lecture theatres and taking round-about routes between places.

The Three Weeks Early Award for signing up early:

Aidan Robison, for sending his sign-up e-mail on 22nd September.

The Koom Valley Award for best ambush:

Ross Edmondson, for ambushing Bethany Fay Colman during her attempt to kill him at a pubmeet, after noticing that she had been searching for information about him on the Internet.

The Order of the Black Coat for application of the art of disguise:

Steve Mounsey, for lurking Wei Li while wearing a purple dressing gown and fluffy slippers.

The Laurel And Hardy Award for most amusing double-act:

Steve McCann and Janet Scott, who seemed to have a wonderful rapport.

Also well-matched:

Johannes Nordstrom and The Autoumpire after a slight "administrative error" resulted in Johannes having thirty assassins. Evidently it felt the need to punish him for signing up late.

The Darwin Award for death by stupidity:

David Smith, for attempting to kill Louis Jagger using necromancy, then going to visit him to make sure he was dead and getting killed in the process.

The Reversed Burden of Johannes Award for unintentionally killing innocents:

Alex Labram, who shot Nick Wood for browsing through his webspace.

Also special:

Philip Bridge, who killed Janet Scott's male neighbour.

Philip Bielby, who shot a suspicious-looking individual who ran down the stairs shouting, "I am not and never have been a member of the Assassins' Guild," while incobashing.

The Leek and Safe Award for most interesting weaponry:

Louis Jagger for using a mini vacuum-cleaner as a soulsucker.

Cruel and unusual:

A number of players from Fitzwilliam College asked to use the Morning Star newspaper as a morning star.

Tom Booth had his stripy "tiger boner" dog toy licensed as a cosh.

The Catherine Zentile Award for least innocent innocent:

Adam Biltcliffe for assorted acts of mischief, including pretending to be playing, warning incompetents of approaching assassins and encouraging backstabbing.

The Brutus Award for best betrayal:

Christopher Doris, for calling a friend to help him fight off an assassin, then waiting for the pair to double-kill.

Also treacherous:

Aidan Robison, for setting up Steve McCann. Allegedly.

The Police Hero Medal:

Tim Bartram, who attempted to take on three opponents armed with CPSes using a band gun.

The Obfuscated Tutorial System Award for silliest pseudonym:

Tom de Rivaz, for I have a dream that one day the city of Cantabridge, whose umpire's lips are presently dripping with the words of mafias and thunderbolting, will be transformed into a situation where inexperienced fresher boys and fresher girls will be able to join arms with master assassin boys and girls and walk together as targets and killers. I have a dream today..

Also pleasantly silly:

Alice Harriet Rose Waterman, for Petruska, Plucker of Bone Marrow.

The Harland Quinn Golden Quill for the most amusing reports:

The team behind Aidan Robison's reports of kills under the name Xanth.

Also amusing:

Richard Gibson, for a parody of a mysterious post that appeared on the Assassins newsgroup.

Louis Jagger, who wrote an entertaining report about locking his door.

Paul Rapkin, who imitated a really bad thriller.

The "My Hero" award for the biggest fanclub:

Steve McCann, who received numerous compliments in reports.

Less adored:

The Umpire, who also received a curious amount of flattery.

The "Bandwidth-what-bandwidth?" award for "annoying The Umpire with non-textual reports":

Lucy Stephenson, who produced some excellent drawings under the names Schtiel and Flying Hippie Girl.

The Yellow Streak award for running away:

Michael Wallace, for his "attempt" on Ross Edmondson, a "tactical retreat" and for hiding during the duel.

Also Cowardly:

Alex Labram, who spent a lot of time running away from the police.

The William Tell Award for marksmanship:

Richard Gibson, for repeatedly missing Sarah Donnelly during the duel, despite her being legless.

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