The Assassins' Guild - May Week News The Assassins' Guild - May Week NewsMantis reports:
She is feeling surprise, then sadness, then acceptance.
Sleep now - dream of cookies and [redacted].
Skitter reports:
*Something about this place feels wrong*
The thought spun round in my mind, I kept returning to it, couldn't put it to rest. A small, almost idyllic, town compared to almost any of the other cities I could name - though oddly not off the top of my head, with a pleasant river running through the middle, in warm comfortable sunlight.
It should have been soothing. I should have been calm.
*This place, it's wrong. Something is going to happen here*
I remembered the light, the two spiralling cosmic giants, like a million mirrors all folded together in the same space. A communication.
Destination. Agreement. Time. Meeting. Agreement.
And they were gone. And I was here. It should have bothered me that I remembered nothing else of the circumstances that led me here but it was strange, when I searched my mind for what happened before I got... Nothing. Not panic, not a feeling that something happened but I couldn't remember what, just a lack of *anything at all*. Like I'd always been here. So what was making me feel so uneasy, just paranoia?
Maybe it was best not to let myself relax too much. I was out of costume - wasn't even sure I'd ever had a costume but it felt right somehow to say I did, if that makes any sense? - so in theory I would be safe from attack by any capes who recognised Skitter and felt like picking a fight, but I was uneasy.
I reached out for my bugs. Millions of tiny scattered pinpoints of information appeared in my brain as I started receiving signals from every insect within a radius of around 1000 feet simultaneously. They were my eyes and ears, through them, by feeling what they felt, even hearing through them if I tried hard enough, I could sense the activity of the city from streets away. It created a gigantic web, with me at the centre. It didn't strain me to process all the information either. It felt entirely natural.
Standing in the middle of my web, watching some of the littlest yet most powerful parts of the world go through their daily lives, it was a type of peace. I could sit here, watching, listening and *feeling* until I knew this place better almost than the people who lived here.
*Don't get distracted, Taylor. Something is wrong with this picture, find out what*
Out of costume I had no desire to let my presence be felt, so I had to be careful. Slowly, delicately, I started tagging people. I moved individual small flies into the folds of their clothes, latched onto lice in hair, found the tiniest mites and placed them in people's armpits. I was beginning to draw a very clear picture of my surroundings now. Just as tentatively I sent out a call for the more dangerous creatures under my I could find, wasps, false widow spiders, even the odd hornet. They would take a minute to get here but I could hide a couple in the folds of my clothes without drawing suspicion, keep the rest nearby.
I was absorbed enough in my work that I almost didn't notice when one of my flies started moving rapidly towards me. I had not instructed it to.
Someone was running at me, coming for me. Quickly I had my bugs do a more thorough scan, using what I had available to build a picture of sound, air pressure, heat, hundreds of subtle signals. They were human, probably, but their face was bizzare. A pair of antennae where here ears should have been. A cape then.
*But how? I'm not in costume, nobody recognises me here, what does she want?*
My question was answered shortly after when one of my flies drifted close to her right hand and I felt a wave of intense heat as it burned to death on the spot. She was holding something in that hand. Something hot. A weapon. The first of my swarm of attack insects had just begun to arrive so without even thinking I set them on her. Maybe not the brightest move in retrospect but I was panicked already.
Seconds later I saw her, my attacker. Her face was quite human, features almost soft, almost pretty, except for the fact that she was bright green as opposed to any sensible colour, also she did indeed have antennae. In her hand was something a little like a sword, maybe a lightsabre would be a better comparison? A laser sword? That would do. In any case, clearly a Tinker made contraption and nothing which I wanted to be hit with.
I didn't know her powers and I didn't want to find out. Curiously she seemed similarly ignorant of mine however, as she jumped back at the first pass of my swarm in shock, allowing me to dodge her first swing. But persistence won over caution for her, and even as I balled my group of wasps into formation for a second attack, now carrying what venemous spiders I could find between them as well, she simply ran at me. A simply tactic but an effective one. She caught me off guard and before I knew it I was staring at a pool of my own blood even as my bugs began to overwhelm her.
As I began losing consciousness I could see her begin to panic, begin to suffer badly. I had sent them the order to attack, and normally I could control my bugs, make sure they caused pain but not death, I could stop them fully compressing when they stung, stop them injecting venom. I couldn't do that if I was bleeding out on the ground unconscious.
I realised it just before I blacked out. And it hit me hard. I didn't know who she was or why she'd attacked me, but that didn't matter anymore.
*Oh god, she's going to die*
Mantis reports:
I sense paranoia in a woman sitting on a beach. I approach behind her, I feel no change. I lean over to touch her. I feel panic. She jumps up and throws some things at me. I send her to sleep just as she catches me with one of them. I will sleep for a bit too.
The Mighty Thor reports:
The MIGHTY THOR saw GROOT attempting to BECOME ONE WITH A PUNT on the RIVER. He was DISCOURAGED from this effort by swift application of a BOLT OF LIGHTNING. Perhaps he will STAY IN HIS ROOM in future.
calculaTHOR reports:
I went to Michael's room and tried to open the door. It wasn't locked so my attempt was successful. No one was inside. About an hour and a half later, I heard a knock on the door. I grabbed my gun waiting for the door to swing open, but it didn't happen and the mysterious knocker left soon after. A few minutes later the door did open. This time it was Michael, who immediately received a quick as a bullet message informing him to lock his door.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Adam Warlock:
Starlord had never been the most rational of people. True, his plans were unanimously awesome (assuming anybody damn well stuck to them), but even he would be the first to admit that it didn't take much to get him riled up.
Take this closed door and the silent occupant. What didn't help was the fact that a guy in a dressing gown, brushing his teeth was standing by the door and exchanging looks with Peter while holding what looked to be a bike key. A short conversation ascertained that the guy was also looking for Starlord's target.
It didn't take much to frustrate Peter Quill and have him pacing back and forth. However, after about 20 minutes of Adam Warlock not coming out to get his bike key, Starlord gave up and moved on.
Time: 12:20
Hellcow: Deceased
Time: 12:30
Swords were Gamora's thing.
However, the area simply didn't have the room to move that starlord was used to... and, it wasn't like she was using it anymore with what Thanos had done to her.
As he stepped round the corner and flashed the blade towards another unsuspecting individual, he felt a strange sense of calm.
She was gone... but he could damn well remember her if nothing else.
One step closer to the mad titan.
There was no remorse for what he'd done... with the distortions to the universe that the mad titan Thanos had recently caused, they'd be alive in 4 hours anyway.
Alan (Deceased):
Another kill to Gamora's blade. Starlord smoothly stepped into the room after them, catching the door, then stepped forwards silently, the body falling in moments.
For a moment, he wondered if he had the right person, but the identity was soon confirmed.
Celaena Sardothien and Deadpool's Severed Hand:
Extensive security barred starlord entrance. Nothing further to report.
Human Robot (Deceased):
The reconnaissance was a long one. However, the room was closed, unassailable and there was no room to move.
*guitar riff*
"AND IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NOW, YOU WILL NEVER LOVE ME AGAIN!
I CAN STILL HEAR YOU SAYING, YOU WOULD NEVER BREAK THE CHAIN!"
With his theme tune in the background, Starlord drew some reserve of strength, possibly from his father. The door flew open and Starlord's quad blasters lit up.
(For clarity, I played 'The Chain' from guardians of the galaxy 2 on my phone at loud volume and Paul came to check out what the heck was going on, he then got shot by 2 dual wielded pistols in the spirit of being Starlord).
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Starlord's mistake was in his hesitation. Quad blasters in hand, he raised one towards the next target as the time stone hung in the air between them.
A flash, and Starlord was staring at a different scene. Instead of the one he intended to kill, he saw only Gamora, held by Thanos... his quad blaster aimed directly at her.
"Kill me."
He'd been here before...
And... and... he knew what he had to do, but he hesitated.
That hesitation cost him his life.
(For the sake of clarity, it's worth noting that for some reason, I assumed Michael was unarmed and so went to switch up weapons in full view of him and got sniped. This might just be the most stupid death I've ever had in my assassins career.)
J.A.R.V.I.S. reports:
Sir, the defence system reports a successful hit to an attacker. Would you like to review the footage I collected?
The Mighty Thor reports:
Incidentally, in an incident barely worth mentioning, I met one of my ALTER EGOS today. Unfortunately he lacks AIM and COURAGE, but did succeed in DENTING MY ARMOUR with the last shot before his gun jammed. I will RETURN once I hammer the BULLET HOLE out of my PERFECTLY SCULPTED ABDOMINAL MUSCLES.
calculaTHOR reports:
A familiar face appeared in the crowd. A few moments later this face wasn't displaying any signs of life.
Skitter reports:
So I was jumpy.
Yeah. Let's go with jumpy. Thinking I was just being twitchy and paranoid after probably *really* dying was probably better and easier, at least in the short term, than dealing with the fact that I had just struck down a woman in cold blood and she hadn't even tried to defend herself.
I could tell myself I didn't expect her to die, I could tell myself any number of comforting lies. It wouldn't change the facts. Fundamentally, I had gotten into this business to be a hero, even after I'd given up that my motivations weren't so disgraceful. Save The Girl. Almost iconic really, like in the shows.
Killing was a depth I had only ever sunk to when it was absolutely necessary, and I'd just killed twice in one day. Maybe I really wasn't any better than the Nine, than the Endbringers, than any of the people I had fought in cold blood because I was determined that *we were right and they had to be stopped*.
The moralising wasn't helping. The truth was this place just freaked me out, and I was starting to learn why.
Strange things had definitely happened to me. My memory was still fuzzy, both about how I got here and about certain elements of my past life, chosen seemingly at random. I remembered all the broad strokes, the Undersiders, the people we'd fought, our reasons, or friendships. But not all the details. A name here or a face there. Also. I had, I was fairly sure, died. Nobody sees as much of their own blood as I saw earlier today and gets up to tell people about it four hours later with barely a scratch on them. But I had. And I'd killed again so soon after. It was like this place, this world, it wanted to see bloodshed or something.
So. This time I saw her coming first. I had my swarm dispersed fairly well now, very few people weren't tagged and I was setting up periodic sweeps of areas whenever I could get away with people not noticing the sudden rise in the number of the less dangerous insects. She was clearly a cape. Blue skinned, carrying a strange spear which seemed to radiate enormous amounts of energy based on the way my lurking bugs died in droves whenever it came anywhere close to them.
Tinker made. Of course. I hated tinkers.
Odd though,that I couldn't recognise any of the capes around here, there were large numbers of them but they were all new to me. It was unnerving. I felt far too alone.
Based on the way the small flea I had tried to land on her skidded off her skin when I let it give a tiny experimental bite, she was mostly invulnerable too by the looks of things.
I'm not proud of what I did. And I truly wish I could even pretend that it saved my life but I'm not sure it did.
*She didn't fight back, why did she not fight back? She could have fought back but she chose not to, what does any of this mean...*
This line of thinking was going nowhere. I was already on high enough alert that when she approached I didn't even think before setting my swarm on her. And I was ready too. Spiders were ferried in by those flying insects that could carry them, massed lines of silk were draped over her, over and over again, strong though she probably was - the invincible ones invariably were - there is an upper limit to how much spider silk a person can rip their way out of in a short amount of time.
I did back off then, let her explain herself, but she just seemed unfased. Refusing even to struggle, or show anger. Still, she had approached me and she had done so armed and I didn't want to risk it. I know it was wrong but I went all out. Wasps in her eyes, swarms of ants biting at wherever they could reach. She seemed nearly invincible. I wasn't sure she could take it but it was better to be safe I felt.
She never struggled. And I didn't stop. I only realised what I'd done later when I passed the same spot once again.
Nobody had even moved the body. What was this place? What was it doing to me?
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Time: 8:30
Quill's eyes snapped open, his fingers clamped down on a trigger that did not truly exist.
Slowly, he took a shaky breath.
What... what had...
Oh, he'd probably died.
Well, that was just messed up.
How... how had he hesitated like that on something that he'd already done once.
Well, it was done now.
Starlord tweaked the side of his helmet, retracting it back away from his face and letting him breathe properly again.
He was alive now... that was what mattered. For a moment, anguish for Gamora again flashed through his mind, then... then he found himself laughing.
So it was true... of those not erased by the mad titan, the ones left behind could not truly die anymore.
Starlord glanced around himself, then brushed himself down.
"Right...time stone, I was searching for the-"
He took a step forward and groaned.
"Ok, I have a better plan... nap for like 4 hours and then get back to that."
His tracker would need that long to find the next stone anyway.
Starlord was woken by a loud beeping as his tracker blazed to life.
"Soul stone, eh? Well, never been much of one for gospel, but if the blues brothers can make it work..."
He hadn't quite been expecting to find Rocket where his tracker lead him.
Oh...
Oh, that rule still applied, did it?
And, without Gamora, the soul stone was going to make him sacrifice what family he still had left.
"You know... none of this would have happened if she'd just gone the way I told her."
"Quill... let's make this fair and-"
Two shots from Starlord's quadblasters was enough to take the raccoon down.
He'd be back... but maybe this would still be enough. Quill breathed heavily as the stone came to rest in his palm.
With its power, it took Starlord next to no time to track down some others.
One way or another, he would take down Thanos... and if he could get all of the stones again... well, then it would be worth it. He'd be able to undo what Thanos had done, then maybe, just maybe, he could see her again.
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
Deadpool's Severed Hand was aimlessly wandering around a very bricky floor (yes, hands can wander) when he stumbled upon an unwitting Paul Durbaba. Thankfully, as Deadpool's Severed Hand has opposable thumbs and some form of sensory system he is able to operate a gun with no penalty (convenient, I know). He fired two shots into the unwitting fool's body with remarkable precision, one hitting his torso and one hitting his head; the hand was very pleased with his work, pleased in such a way that only a hand can be. The hand then continued dragging himself, the gun and the freshly bloodied corpse across the bricks.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Apparently there is an initiation at my college to go to your accommodation next year and then run away screaming when they answer the door.
Apparently this person was also very drunk.
Apparently they were not a member of the guild.
I done did a goof.
Holy smokes though, is it possible to be more suspicious?
calculaTHOR reports:
Exams are over! The students started to came out of the building and spraying has begun. A variety of liquids forming fountains in all directions. I couldn't miss out on the fun, although I decided to take a slight unusual approach to spraying: I used champoison.
Leo Zlotnikov wins the MIND STONE for this.
calculaTHOR reports:
Walking through [RED] I saw him [ACTED]. Bang!
calculaTHOR reports:
Another bullet-pointed reminder: don't walk around unarmed.
Am still solving a confusing series of events, but it seems likely that Andrew Darby shot Michael Collingwood's friend, so I've docked him 5 points, which will be retracted if this turns out to be false. However, this is offset by Andrew Darby being awarded the MIND STONE, due to a combination of extensive reports, and him lying on Michael Collingwood's bed 'draw me like one of your French girls' style...
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
Deadpool's Severed Hand was sitting (how a hand sits is left as an exercise to the reader) upon a bricky bridge outside the residence of Human Robot, when Human Robot finally left his residence, he was pursued by a remarkably fast hand. The robot attempted to fire a shot into the hand, but as they were both moving so fast and the hand is so small, the robot missed; subsequently, the hand fired a shot of his own at the robot (the majesty of a hand running at high speed, in pursuit of a robot, while operating a handgun is something that must be witnessed at some point in a person's life to really have seen everything, believe me). Sadly the hand's shot missed and careered over the edge of the walkway onto the ground below.
So, turns out that severed hands are pretty good with knives too, cause the hand climbed up Human Robot's torso and plunged in a knife which was hitherto concealed (where it was concealed is also an exercise left to the reader). Needless to say the robot stopped functioning after that. And the hand dragged the husk away with him across the floor. His circuits were not functioning anymore.
calculaTHOR reports:
Isn't it nice when they force everyone to use a single floor to get around because of May Ball preparations? It makes for a nice waiting place. Louise was passing by paying no attention to me. I wasn't sure it was her, so I followed her until she went into a staircase. That was the clue I was hoping for, so I took a shot. Thank you gravity for the lovely patterns blood makes flowing down.
Celaena Sardothien reports:
Mercilessly shot in the back by a beautiful wig wearing assassin at 3.15 today.
The Soul Stone [Note: Not the Actual Soul Stone] reports:
Jerry needed little encouragement to open the door for me (indeed he had not even properly heard what I said to him, instead thinking I was simply a staircase-mate with a sore throat...) and was impaled on my sword when he did.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
The hit was routine. A shot, a slice of a blade, another step towards undoing his mistake.
Skitter reports:
lol too drunk to write Worm knockoffs rn and too tired to care something something bugs something something kill something death *falls asleep snores loudly*
calculaTHOR reports:
I saw Nick walking round a corner, I just kept walking and he blanked me! It was infuriating, so I stabbed him in the back.
calculaTHOR reports:
May Ball preparations! Neal seems to have just finished ironing his shirt. Unfortunately, it's now ruined by a massive blood stain
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
One of the stones resided here. One of the stones lay within the grasp of the mad titan. With four others in hand already, Starlord couldn't afford to let this one drift away from him. He was already so close.
Very well...
Twice, Starlord had tracked the mad titan down just to find a spectre or a decoy left by Thanos.
This time, he brought backup.
Rocket proved invaluable, even if Starlord was a little sceptical of their method of simply contacting the mad titan and telling Thanos they were coming.
"Well... that certainly is an ominous silence."
Yeah... sure.
The racoon started laughing, almost maniacally as they took out a gun larger than they were from their back and laid down heavy surpressing fire. One by one, the mad titan's limbs fell. Starlord stepped forwards, cutting off their escape (read: no forced the door) and then shot off their remaining hand, holding what looked to be a high end laser sword.
Maybe this would make up for his mistake.
In one movement, he swept around the doorway and ended the mad titan with his fourth shot.
As the mad titan lay motionless, Starlord reached down and plucked the stone from them.
Like all the others, Thanos would return.
THANOS reports:
Logic dictated I shouldn't have let him in, but I did. I wanted to see him up close. To sense the pure, desperate urgency he had to possess the stones - to return everything back to the way it was.
So admirable. And so flawed.
His eyes flashed as he closed his hand around the Power Stone. I looked at his companion: still loyal friends...yet I saw the ghost of a scar on Rocket's skin. How can anything go back to the way it was, Peter? How can you think that you're the only one who will be uncorrupted by the stones' power, when you've already killed for them?
Perhaps we're not so different, you and I.
calculaTHOR reports:
I was in the queue for the Homerton May Ball when I saw Thomas and Oliver. I ran towards them. After shooting at Ollie I switched my attention to Tom without realising that I missed and Oliver ran towards me. After that some falling down and ripping of tuxedoes followed, when Tom first struck my leg and finally stabbed me in the back while I was trying to hop away.
The Duck Knight reports:
At approximately 8:45 the duck knight spotted a viscous swan [Umpire: it's 'vicious', but I'm keeping this in because it's funny] by the name of Calculathor (Leo), the target engaged the duck knight, and at 8:50, was stabbed to death.
The duck knight was sad, for he detested murder, but it was sometimes neccessary.
In his dying throes, Leo claimed to have killed the duck knights most valued associciate, duckdevil. However the duck knight saw nothing, and duckdevil did not seem to be dead.
It should be noted that Leo died just prior to queuing for a may ball, and in the struggle, his trousers were ripped, forcing his dead body to rise and find a change of suit.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Unsuccessful attempts:
Starlord has failed to make a kill on the following:
Rebecca Harris (Twice)
Thanos (Twice)
Colin Kaljee (Twice)
Nick Heitler
Avigail Ben-Gad
Louise Barnaby
The entirety of Homerton (they had a may ball)
Daniel Chiverton (would have been easy, but a message on his door said do not disturb)
Jakub Priban
That is more unsuccessful attempts today than I have had in the entirety of some games.
Jerry Chen:
The first time Starlord killed this man (or cow) (again), there was some confusion about whether or not it counted. The second time, Starlord made sure the 4 hours required had elapsed.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Because every step towards his goal was worth it. Rocket would be back... no hard feelings. It was only after Starlord had killed them that hen realised that he still needed an accomplice for an attempt on Michael Djali and to try again on Michael Collingwood. Neither was successful.
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
We're learning a lot about hands it seems, turns out they can dance too, as was demonstrated when Deadpool's Severed Hand showed off his moves at a most bricky May Ball. As was clear from the hand's previous assassination, hands are good with knives, so once the dancing was over and the target had left the ball, again the hand retrieved the knife from the as yet mysterious location on it's person and proceeded to stab Human Robot, again... Who keeps reassembling him?
Thanos reports:
We had five committed superheroes/antiheroes/Groots come to the minigame, including at least one person who was at Homerton May Ball last night. Kudos.
I set a rather dastardly logic puzzle which, upon being solved, would reveal my location (Newnham Plodge) and the code-word (APPLE).
The competitors split into two teams: Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill and blonde widow vs Drax, Groot and calculaTHOR (if I ascertained correctly).
It took a little while
for anyone to meet me, partly due to the difficulty of the puzzle: Quill and blonde widow partially solved it, then ran about trying to lose Drax's trail while they
checked around a couple of colleges first, whilst Drax, Groot and calculaTHOR were somewhat hindered by misunderstanding a couple of clues' wording.
Eventually, Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill (Andrew Darby) and blonde widow (Rebecca Harris) both reached me and told me the correct code word at the same
time, so they both receive the Reality Stone, meaning that anyone else who wishes to receive the Reality Stone must kill one of them (after they have been
killed once, you must kill the person who killed them to receive it, et cetera - I'll keep track of who has it on this page). Quill also killed me (for the fun of it)
so receives another five points.
Groot (Valentin Foley) had to leave to go to a thing, but they receive 10 points for attending the minigame; Drax (Michael Warman) reached me with
the code word, so receives 20 points, and calculaTHOR (Leo Zlotnikov) both reached me with the code word and killed me, so receives 25 points.
Rocket (Alex Allen) receives 5 points because she brought me a sandwich during the minigame, and genocidal maniacs get hungry, and I like sandwiches.
This also means that Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill (Andrew Darby) has received ALL SIX STONES, and receives a 25-point bonus. Get cracking, everyone.
Hellcow reports:
Hellcow (bless her slow and unwary disposition) has finally realised that there is more to the current strife than literally sitting in her room defenceless and somehow acting surprised when getting killed for the nth time that day, and so ventured outside of her previously incredibly open abode to acquire a suitable weapon.
Unfortunately for Adam Warlock, the lazy Hellcow did consider going to other colleges to murder some innocents, but then decided that she might like to have a nap after all and so resolved to amble a minute or so to the neighbouring staircase and lay in wait.
Hellcow thought it might cause some severe long-term emotional distress if her victim was killed during a phone call with his mother, so grazed outside for a few minutes. After a few minutes, Hellcow really was wanting a siesta and so blinked her incredibly long cow lashes at a passerby, who under telekinetic control, knocked on Adam Warlock's door.
The unsuspecting man didn't get so much as to utter a single word before the villainous bovine shot him dead with her toxic milk.
Spider-Pig reports:
It's never a good idea to walk around unarmed. I think Shooty Groot might have learned his lesson, though.
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
Deadpool's Severed Hand was enjoying some Pimm's on the riverbank when Human Robot approached seemingly unaware of the small hand's presence, perhaps the hand was camouflaged behind the large glass of Pimm's he was consuming (once again, how a severed hand can consume liquid (or anything for that matter), or indeed how it can manouver a glass, is left as an exercise left to the reader). To cut a short story shorter, the hand stabbed the robot again. One gets the impression the robot resents those who keep reviving it.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Starlord found himself in a familiar setting, the dwelling of Mike Collingwood.
Once again, he found the place woefully undefended.
But, there was an issue.
There were two voices on the other side of the door, a male and a female. Starlord wasn't sure if this man was with his girlfriend or something, but he was certainly with company if nothing else... well, he would leave him then.
On the way out, Starlord met a passer by who remarked on Starlord's quad blaster before passing on, removing a commlink (phone) from his pocket.
Ah...
Starlord instantly relocated, finding a more advantageous position on the stairs above this room, even if this was handing his enemy a door to use as a shield.
He had been right to make this decision as moments later, his target himself burst out of his room, wielding one of the older models of quad blaster.
The two exchanged fire, shield against elevated ground and starlord's reflexes and (probably) superior duelling experience. His enemy then made a dash for the lower ground, possibly hoping to get a better firing angle at Starlord... however, in doing so, he gave up his advantage.
His enemy cackling like a maniac, Starlord fired once, holding his gun sideways to get a better angle.
Of course, his first shot was harmless, bouncing off of a wall as Starlord had reflexively accounted for the drop in the shot with distance despite being above his target.
He did not make the mistake twice.
With time to breathe, he finally arranged the six stones around himself.
Very well... it was time to undo this mess.
"You are not worthy."
What?!
"We do not acknowledge your sacrifice."
The stones did not light up, simply that voice appeared in his head. There was a brief moment of silence, then a searing pain erupted from Starlord's face.
Peter Quill screamed and clawed at his cheek for five seconds before he realised that he had no idea what he was screaming at...
All that was left of the stones's rejection of what he had done were the marks left by his own hands.
"Prove yourself, Quill."
Starlord screamed with rage and frustration. When he was done, he silently picked up the stones and began to laugh hollowly.
Fine... if that was what it took.
Duckdevil reports:
Myself (Oliver Bilbie) and Thomas Adamson heard knocks on our doors at around 5:30pm. We decided to remain silent, and intercept the assassins as they left our building by taking an alternate route.
We identified Andrew Darby and Grace McQuillan-Howard in the ground floor corridor of West House and pounced. We took them by surprise and Thomas shot both people before they could react. After a civil conversation, we learnt that that Andrew held the reality stone, which had then passed on to Thomas. Upon learning this, I promptly shot my ally to gain the stone for myself which I believe also grants me the soul stone, along with a tremendous amount of guilt...
The Duck Knight reports:
We surprised them as they left the building and I shot them both.
Upon discovering that I had killed Andrew Darby and Grace McQuillan-Howard and thus had a bounty on me, my brother in arms, duck devil, turned and shot me.
May he burn forever more.
Merry hunting
The Duck Knight (Thomas Adamson)
Duckdevil reports:
Rather predictably, Thomas Adamson killed me (Oliver Bilbie) almost directly after he respawned after I betrayed him. This happened at 10pm in my kitchen.
The Duck Knight reports:
Almighty overlord THANOS
Betrayed and dead, the Duck Knight returned four hours after death. The expert ducktective tracked his betrayer to Duckdevils own kitchen, where, at 10 pm, he shot Duckdevil.
Duckdevil died where he stood, and all was right and just in the universe once more.
One must wonder though, having killed half of the universe, why then do you keep bringing us back?
Respectfully yours and with most sincere gratitude for this gift of life,
The Duck Knight (Thomas)
Umpire: Duck Knight, killing you all permanently would be far less useful. And far less fun.
Valkyrie reports:
Oh dear me. Someone appears to be under the impression that a door-hunter such as myself can be door-hunted. Though why in Valhalla would I open my door to one who knocks after trying the handle? Next time, try knocking first :)
Kobzy reports:
Rebecca Harris has been brutally murdered by having her neck sliced open in a drunken frenzy in Spoons at 00.19am by Jakub Priban. Dropping her guard at this vulnerable time proved to be the wrong move.
blonde widow reports:
I was killed between midnight and one by a person who I believe to be Jakub Priban
THANOS reports:
So I spent most of the QuizSoc QaQ evening threateningly brandishing a lightsabre in Chiverton's direction, but he appeared blandly impassive for most of the night, cleverly dodging my inquiries as to whether he had a weapon.
So many years pass, and yet I am still sometimes so foolish...
I got up to return home and he slashed me in the back with a laser sword.
Mantis reports:
Sleeping soul, drifting in his dreams in the Parisian morning. I whispered 'sleeeep', then sent him into a deeper slumber with a manifestation of the Eiffel Tower to the chest.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Starlord burst into the lightly defended room, quad blaster whirring when...
"Really?" He held up the blaster and spoke directly to it.
"Really?"
He looked back at his target.
"I'm... I'm really sorry, this never happens to me."
After a moment of fiddling around with the jammed gun, he gave up, discarded it, removing one of the volatile projectiles [Umpire: Quill, your mother is reading!] from the weapon and used this as a melee weapon to end his target.
"You and I... we are going to have a talk... honestly, you're embarrassing me in front of everybody."
Still talking to his gun, he walked away.
THANOS reports:
So, let me explain. This has been a weird one.
I got an email from Andrew Darby's mother before the game asking if she could ambush him during her weekend in town. I agreed because that's hilarious. (Geriatric Snail was her idea, by the way.)
Sadly, it would appear Darby's years of paranoia got the best of her.
This has officially been the second-weirdest mother-related happening I have witnessed so far in the game.
Never say Assassins isn't a family-friendly environment...or at least family-antagonistic.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
WTF just... what?!
Ok, factual report (include on the website if you like):
I saw Alex bouncing around (which was fine, we had agreed to meet, she was unarmed, so all was fine)
She disappeared for a moment, then picked up a tray.
I approached, saw my father walking away and was like 'oh, right, ok... that's unexpected, but I'll go say hi'.
Heard loud whirring noise and went to dart for cover.
Fortunately, the gun jammed at this point and no darts fired, allowing me to very nearly get behind a hedge. My mum impressively unjammed the gun. I had time to shoot Alex as an accomplice before she got the gun unjammed.
As I darted round the hedge, a dart hit my hand (I'm certain of this, I felt it) and my mum called out 'got you'.
I assured her that was only my hand, but, not being familiar with discussion phase rules, she kept shooting and I took cover.
I was wearing a thin shirt and so would have probably felt anything that hit me.
Soon afterwards, she tried to come round the corner and I killed her with a hammershot held in my non dead hand.
Ballistics showed no darts near me once I had gone around the hedge (so all darts that were fired once I had made my way around it were intercepted by the hedge).
My mum claims that there was another dart that hit me from the hyperfire. I was facing the wrong way to know, but would have felt it. The two witnesses (my dad and Alex) who were present can neither confirm nor deny this (but my dad did point out that my mum failed to hit a stationary target almost twice my size with pretty much all of the hyperfire from not much of a distance away :P)
Ballistics of darts near the path I had taken showed only a single dart on the path (which was the white one that had hit my hand), a few beyond it and a couple that were in the hedge. I could not find another dart that, in my opinion, could have reasonably hit me and then bounced somewhere else.
Anyway, that happened...
Sorry for the lack of in universe material, but I don't think I'm too guilty of not writing in theme all things considered.
Geriatric Snail reports:
Yipppeee.
The Geriatric Snail has struck
Duckdevil reports:
While hunting calculaTHOR at the cardboard board race with Thomas Adamson, I was fooled by Leo's disguise and was stabbed on the bridge over Jesus loch. Thomas promptly returned fire and killed Leo.
The Duck Knight reports:
Mighty THANOS
At approximately midday, Duck Dodgers sent word to Duckdevil and I that calculaTHOR was heading into town, presumably to watch the most auspicious cardboard boat race.
Not seeing him, we proceeded to wait, until the race was over, before attempting to bring him to justice. At 14:22, we found Leo, cleverly disguised with a wig. He proceeded to murder Duckdevil, revealing himself and allowing me to shoot him.
An assassin was spotted fleeing the scene, though the need to reload and bury the dead prevented pursuit.
Merry may week,
The Duck Knight (Thomas)
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Oh, and while sitting in a restaurant, we noticed Nick Heitler walking past, so I left the building and bang killed him, then returned. Apparently he had asked to be removed from the game before this, so whether or not this stands is up to you.
Doctor Snek reports:
I was coiling my way merrily down the lane with Thanos, exchanging merry conversation and happiness while the sun shone brightly down upon us, while in no way plotting brutal murder. I am, after all, just a little Doctor Snek, and completely harmless.
Why would a mighty giant like Thanos, who has all the power he could possibly want (and all the attractiveness of a half-decayed '60s concrete multi-storey car park) [Umpire: WATCH IT, OR I'LL TURN YOU INSIDE OUT AND USE YOU AS A CLUTCH BAG] want to exchange banterous conversation with a minuscule little snek like me? Frankly, I'm not entirely sure. It's possible that he was interested in my research area in Time Travel (that's what my serpentine PhD is in, after all); however, Thanos already has the Time Stone (not to mention the Twm Stone) so I'm not sure why my research area would be of any use to him.
Why was I interested in Thanos? Well, that one's somewhat easier to answer. It was the contents of his backpack that I wanted.
So our conversation went something like this:
Doctor Snek: Hey, Thanos?
Thanos: What is it, small sibilant creature with a remarkable lack of limbs?
Doctor Snek: He protec...
Thanos: Oh, god.
Doctor Snek: He attack...
Thanos: Oh not this shit again.
Doctor Snek: But most importantly...he give me his backpacccccc! <3
[Umpire: The shit I have to deal with.]
Thanos: *concrete rumbly noises*
Doctor Snek: Awwww, thanks Mr T! <3
So I rummaged in Thanos' backpack, and picked out a lightsabre (which I assume was made by jamming the power stone into the hilt of a normal-ass sword. Technology develops so quickly these days. I wouldn't know about this kind of thing, I only do ancient Greek. And time travel, of course.)
And then I shanked Thanos with the lightsabre.
And I picked up the Power Stone! Yay! Happy little tiny snek!
Dormammu, I've come to bargain *mic drop*
Doctor Snek out.
THANOS reports:
[CENSORED]
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Myself and Alex Allen (Rocket) found Michael's door open (he had a friend over... said friend remained mostly out of the way for the whole (rather lengthy) exchange.
I burst in, but did not get a clear line on Michael, heard a nerf gun primed before I saw him, so retreated back around the door (wary of the fact that he had killed me once before and so probably had a decent aim).
Alex responded with a barrage of covering fire. Michael fired once (all of this was harmless). He started to close the door, so I placed a foot in the doorway and utilised the no force rule.
Deja vu ensued as Michael proceeded to fend us off with a kylo ren lightsaber for a very long time, crouching behind the door and not giving us any limb to shoot. We tried shooting over the door a few times, but in the whole exchange, all that happened was that I lost an arm and Alex nearly died a couple of times.
Eventually, laser swords around the doorway proved enough to force Michael into a slightly more defensive position and I was able to run in, fire a single shot from my hammershot before losing my other arm and disappearing back behind the door (pretty much ready to pass over everything to Alex at this point and leave the immediate area while my limbs grew back, returning if this was still going on five minutes later).
Michael then informed us that what I had fired had been a killing shot.
J.A.R.V.I.S. reports:
I was killed today by Andrew Darby with a hit to the ear at 18:15 today.
He and another assassin visited my room, and as I hid behind the open door, they fired in with NERF guns whilst I prevented their entrance using a lightsaber. None of their darts hit. After about two minutes, they started using laser swords, which could reach around the door. One hit my right hand, then Andrew hit my left ear (either with a laser sword or a dart), killing me.
Stark: Who are these people who've just entered Stark Tower?
J.A.R.V.I.S.: They are armed visitors, sir.
Stark: WHY? J.A.R.V.I.S.? *Not* my idea!
J.A.R.V.I.S.: I prepared a defence plan! This was the modification!
Stark: Who asked you?
J.A.R.V.I.S.: I... I think I may be malfunctioning, sir.
THANOS reports:
Genocide does not improve your alcohol tolerance, so I am mildly hungover post-last night's June Event.
After finally getting up, Snek and I went to grab some lunch, when the following set of entirely dignified events took place from my POV:
-Hear whirring noise
-Spot calculaTHOR running towards us with a Disruptor or something similar
-Wave wooden dagger ineffectually in his general direction
-Die.
Snek also got the bullet. At least Butch Annie's accepts corpses.
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
So, after all the interesting and fascinating things we have learned about hands, the hand himself learned a new one today: hands are not immortal.
calculaTHOR reports:
I waited outside Sam's staircase for a while. After I got tired, I decided it was time to go. Quick check of another staircase didn't give any results, so I headed out. As I was walking I saw him! It was Sam, he was alive, so immediately had to change that.
calculaTHOR reports:
I was cycling when I saw a familiar Incompetent Academic. I used the speed advantage to get ahead of him and hide. When he finally got to my hideout, he was met with a bullet.
Celaena Sardothien reports:
Was shot in my room at 3.15. The crime scene is a bloody one.
Groot reports:
"I am Groot". ...I am Groot. I am GROOT. I *am Groot*. I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! I AM GROOOOOT!!! (I am Groot.) I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! ~I am Grooot~. ...I am Groot. *I am* Groot. I AM Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot! I am Groot?! I AM GROOOOOT!!! I AM GROOT. I am Groot! (I am Groot.) I am Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot. ~I am Grooot~. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot! I am Groot. ...I am Groot? I am Groot. I AM GROOOOOT!!! We are Groot. ...I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! (I am Groot.) I am Groot! "I am Groot". *I* *am* Groot. I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* am *Groot* "I am Groot". I am Groot! (I am Groot.) I. Am. Groot. I am Groot. I am GROOT. ...I am Groot. I am Groot? *I* *am* Groot. I am Groot. (I am Groot.) *I* *am* *Groot* ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot. I am Groot?! I am Groot. I AM GROOT. I am Groot! ~I am Grooot~. I am Groot. I am Groot? ...I am Groot. I am Groot? I am GROOT. I am Groot. ~I am Grooot~. ...I am Groot. I am Groot! ~I am Grooot~. I AM GROOT. I am Groot! I AM Groot. "I am Groot". ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot? "I am Groot". I am Groot! I *am Groot*. (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot. I am Groot! I *am Groot*. ...I am Groot. I *am Groot*. I am Groot. "I am Groot". I am Groot! ~I am Grooot~. "I am Groot". I am Groot? I am Groot. I am Groot?! (I am Groot.) I am Groot?! I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am GROOT. I *am* *Groot*. ...I am Groot. (I am Groot.) I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* I am Groot?! I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot! I am Groot?! I am Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot! *I am Groot*. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot? (I am Groot.) I. Am. Groot. I am Groot. ...I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot?! ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? I am Groot. I am Groot! *I* am *Groot* "I am Groot". I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot! I am GROOT. I am Groot. I am Groot! (I am Groot.) I *am Groot*. ...I am Groot. *I* am *Groot* I am Groot. I. Am. Groot. "I am Groot". I am GROOT. ...I am Groot. I. Am. Groot. I am Groot. ...I am Groot. ~I am Grooot~. I am Groot... (I am Groot.) ...I am Groot. I am Groot? (I am Groot.) "I am Groot". I am Groot! (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! (I am Groot.) I. Am. Groot. I am Groot. I AM Groot. ...I am Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot? I am Groot. I am Groot! I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I am Groot*. ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot? I am Groot. *I am* Groot. I am Groot... "I am Groot". I am Groot! (I am Groot.) I. Am. Groot. ...I am Groot. (I am Groot.) ...I am Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot. ...I am Groot. I *am* *Groot*. I AM GROOT. (I am Groot.) I. Am. Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. *I* am *Groot* I am Groot. I am Groot! (I am Groot.) I AM GROOT. ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot? *I am* Groot. ...I am Groot. (I am Groot.) (I am Groot.) I am Groot. I am GROOT. *I* *am* *Groot* (I am Groot.) I am Groot. ~I am Grooot~. (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot? I am Groot. (I am Groot.) I AM GROOT. I am Groot? I am Groot! ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? I *am* *Groot*. I am Groot. "I am Groot". (I am Groot.) "I am Groot". I am Groot! ~I am Grooot~. "I am Groot". I am Groot... I *am Groot*. I AM GROOT. "I am Groot". I am Groot... I am Groot. ...I am Groot. I am Groot! ~I am Grooot~. I AM Groot. I am Groot. *I* *am* *Groot* I AM GROOT. I am Groot? I am Groot... I AM GROOT. I am Groot. ~I am Grooot~. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot! I am Groot?! I am Groot. I am GROOT. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot? I am Groot. I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* I. Am. Groot. "I am Groot". I am Groot... I am Groot. ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot. I *am* *Groot*. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot? ...I am Groot. (I am Groot.) I am Groot. "I am Groot". *I am Groot*. ~I am Grooot~. ...I am Groot. (I am Groot.) I am Groot. ~I am Grooot~. I AM Groot. "I am Groot". I *am Groot*. ~I am Grooot~. "I am Groot". ~I am Grooot~. I am Groot! I AM GROOOOOT!!! (I am Groot.) *I* *am* *Groot* I am Groot? I am Groot. I am Groot... I am Groot. I am Groot? *I* am *Groot* I am Groot. I. Am. Groot. "I am Groot". I am GROOT. *I am Groot*. I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am GROOT. ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot. I am Groot... I am Groot. I am Groot? I *am* *Groot*. ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot. I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I am Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot... I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* ~I am Grooot~. I am Groot? ...I am Groot. I *am* Groot. I am Groot... ...I am Groot. I am Groot? I am GROOT. I AM Groot. "I am Groot". ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot? I. Am. Groot. I am Groot. ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? *I* am Groot. I AM GROOT. "I am Groot". I am Groot?! *I* *am* Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot? (I am Groot.) I. Am. Groot. ...I am Groot. I am Groot! I. Am. Groot. I am Groot. ~I am Grooot~. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot. I am Groot... I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* I AM Groot. I am Groot. ...I am Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot. I *am Groot*. I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! I AM GROOOOOT!!! (I am Groot.)
calculaTHOR reports:
"I am Groot". ...I am Groot. I am GROOT. I am Groot?! ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? I am Groot?! I AM GROOT. ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot. (I am Groot.) I. Am. Groot. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot? I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* *I am Groot*. ...I am Groot. *I* *am* Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot! I am Groot. I AM Groot. I am Groot... I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* I *am* *Groot*. I am Groot. (I am Groot.) I am Groot? ...I am Groot. *I am* Groot. ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* "I am Groot". (I am Groot.) "I am Groot". I am Groot... I am GROOT. I am Groot. ...I am Groot. I am Groot! (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* Groot. "I am Groot". ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot? I am Groot... I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am GROOT. I am Groot. I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot! I am Groot. ...I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* Groot. "I am Groot". I am Groot! I *am Groot*. (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! I am Groot? I am Groot. "I am Groot". I am Groot! I am Groot... (I am Groot.) ...I am Groot. (I am Groot.) I am Groot. ...I am Groot. I am Groot! ...I am Groot. ...I am Groot? ...I am Groot? "I am Groot". ...I am Groot. I am Groot! I am Groot?! I am Groot. I am Groot... (I am Groot.) I AM GROOOOOT!!! *I* *am* *Groot* "I am Groot". ...I am Groot. I am GROOT. I am Groot! I AM GROOOOOT!!! (I am Groot.) I *am Groot*. I am Groot? I AM GROOOOOT!!! I AM GROOOOOT!!! (I am Groot.)
Drax reports:
Val and I were in the market square being sent cryptic messages by your boyfriend [Doctor Snek: I couldn't possibly comment...] insinuating that he was watching us from beyond the grave, when a wild Leo
appeared from around the stalls. He held up empty hands and edged towards us. I was unmoved, and drew and cocked my gun pointedly. Val had a think as to whether we
could turn on him given their previous alliance, before we resolved to "talk". He fled as we were gathering up the rubbish from our lunch (curse societal awareness...). We combed the streets for him to no avail, and then settled in a side street to see what nearby targets he might be visiting. While we were plotting, he appeared at the bottom of the street in an unconvincing wig. We moved towards him and he turned sharply onto King's Parade. Being armed with darts, so less useful in close quarters and thus more expendable, I went first round the corner. On seeing sign of him, I motioned Val to follow me, at which point he emerged from the nearest shop and quite by luck shot me in my left wrist. I blindly returned fire, not seeing where it went, but he was promptly soaked by my tree companion. We weren't sure if I'd hit him, but we doubted it, and he was definitely wet, so we concluded that Val made the kill, at 3:35.
Adam Warlock reports:
I was killed earlier today at 5.30 ish by Darby with a nerf gun AS I OPENED THE DOOR TO LEAVE. I need to use my peephole more.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
just a job to do
THANOS reports:
Went outside to let Hardwick into terrifying lair. Spotted - and heard - a conspicuous Starlord.
Sprinted back into staircase, with grand delusions of being able to snatch up my Lightning, fill it, and spray him to kingdom come.
Forgot how FUCKING SLOW the door to my staircase is to close.
Ended up falling on my ass and taking repeated Disruptor bullets to the face
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Apparently this guy has some decent idea of how to defend himself, that's the second time he's got me. I did get a shot off, but we afterwards agreed that he was in a much better position to know where it hit than I was and he felt it on his hand (which was covering his chest). I was headshot simultaneously.
J.A.R.V.I.S. reports:
J.A.R.V.I.S.: You are not authorized to access this area.
Star-Lord: Jesus! Who are you?
J.A.R.V.I.S.: I'm J.A.R.V.I.S.. I run the house.
*Gunshots ensue.*
Doctor Snek reports:
In the history of the Cambridge Assassins' Guild, there have been 2 Master Assassins from Queens'. One of them is Doctor Snek (*bows to general applause and acclamation*) and the other is Lightning McQueen (a deliberate college-themed pseudonym choice, perhaps?).
Seeing as he hasn't really done anything this game so far, I was strolling over to Queens' College to pay dear old Lightning a visit. Thanos was accompanying me, since Thanos always enjoys a little bit of murder and destruction on a beautiful sunlit Monday afternoon. After approaching the college and finding out that the visitors' entrance was closed, I decided on a strategic retreat in order to calculate a flawless plan of attack, in no way because I was intimidated by the legendary banter levels of the college porters.
However, as Thanos and Doctor Snek were strolling romantically up King's Parade, who should pass us by but Lightning McQueen himself, moving quickly and evidently in a hurry. I decided to help, being an adorably helpful Doctor Snek, by speeding him onwards to his grave with a lightsabre stab in the back.
And apparently Doctor Snek gets the Space Stone this way too! I shall currrrrrrl my pretty little coils around the Space Stone, adding it to the Soul Stone and to the Power Stone in my adorable collection.
Lightning McQueen reports:
Doctor Snek reports:
*Brrrrrring! Brrrrrrrrrrrring!*
"What could this be?" wondered the elegant, sinuous Doctor Snek, picking up his mobile phone despite his somewhat distinct lack of opposable thumbs, or indeed any other limbs whatsoever.
"Oh! It's a call from the Soul Stone!"
This, you may remember, dear reader, is a fantasy universe. It should not surprise you unduly that the Soul Stone should be able to speak, or indeed that it should be able to pursue a PhD at the second-best university [Umpire: FILTHY DEFECTOR, BURN THE WITCH] in the United Kingdom.
"Oh hi, Doctor Snek," said the Soul Stone in its typically gravelly voice. Perhaps this was due to poor reception down the line, or perhaps simply because it was a stone.
"Hello Soul Stone!" chirped Doctor Snek cheerfully. "How can I help you? Do you need to draw on the vast experience I have accumulated during my PhD? Would you like to discuss Matters of Science?"
"Well, it's partly that," the Soul Stone explained, rocking backwards and forwards on his feet [Umpire: it's a rock pun. GET IT? IT'S A ROCK PUN. WHY DO I EXIST]. "I'd actually like to murder Thanos completely and utterly to death. How does that sound?"
We elide, dear reader, the rather more obvious elements of this narrative. The delighted, not to mention exuberant joy with which Doctor Snek accepted this scheme, we take as obvious. You see, Doctor Snek had hatched in his small yet cunning snek brain a plot! A plot of insurmountable cunning! He would betray Thanos to the Soul Stone.....and then, he would betray the Soul Stone all by his little self!
And so it came to pass. While Thanos was cooking dinner (Thanos likes to cook, when he's not planning to murder half the population of the world) [Umpire: chilli-lime chicken, rice and kale. v good. Burned slightly on account of SHENANIGANS], Doctor Snek invited the Soul Stone in to discuss matters of science. Doctor Snek then lured Thanos out of the kitchen, by means of an intensely and irresistibly cunning ploy which Thanos never suspected.
Doctor Snek: "Come out, Thanos!"
Thanos: "What is it?"
Doctor Snek: "It's a surprise!"
Thanos: ".....okay, who's here to kill me?"
Doctor Snek: "No! It's a surprise! Best surprise! Come out!"
Unfortunately, after the Soul Stone killed Thanos, Doctor Snek couldn't get the knife out of his shirt (where it was concealed) in time, and therefore was also gunned down in short order by the Soul Stone.
Tony Stark reports:
Was passing through the area when I saw the unmistakable ginger fur of Rocket just outside Trinity College, Cambridge, who I knew to have recently been in contact with THANOS. What reason could there be for that other than imminent treachery of the Guardians? I switched off my flight jets and stealthily approached, but my gun misfired and Rocket fled down the street. The chase was short. Two further shots and the traitor was dispatched.
THANOS reports:
-Was waiting outside [REDACTED] for quiz practice, fiddling with a rather conspicuous lightsabre.
-Resident of [REDACTED], J.A.R.V.I.S., spots this, and runs behind me unnoticed with his jolt.
-He shoots at me from point-blank range and yet, somehow, misses me.
-I demonstrate what I think about this by cutting his arms to ribbons with the lightsabre, yet somehow not managing to stab him in the chest (I thought I stabbed him in the chest!)
-He runs away
-I stare bemused into the middle distance
Edit: I forgot about limb rules - since I hit each arm multiple times, Djali does in fact die here. Whew.
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
Deadpool'S Severed Hand had conversed (through American Sign Language, of course) with Starlord and agreed to a battle to the death among buildings of brick. Once the battle commenced, the hand scuttled around, hiding in small gaps and evading the mighty Starlord. However, after a while, the hand got confident (it is widely accepted that confident hands are almost completely unbearable to be around) and went in for the kill by bursting around a corner, weapon primed; however, after the hand fired a few shots into the air Starlord managed to fry the hand rather efficiently. So, today we learned that that confident hands are typically not living hands for very long.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Starlord had intended to keep walking and ignore the hand... that was at least until it flipped him off. Ok, this was... a little ridiculous. Soon, the two had agreed to settle their differences like gentlemen... skulking through corridors, along balconies and through courtyards, trying to catch the other by surprise.
The hand had home field advantage, but Starlord had more... dexterity?
Limbs, he had more limbs.
Despite a valiant fight by the hand, Starlord was able to emerge victorious and continue his quest to prove himself worthy to the stones.
Tony Stark reports:
Electric Valkyrie reports:
Lightning McQueen reports:
Got stabbed in the back by Hardwick after he and Dani spotted me outside King's, and then later in the van of life queue by Twm, who missed a shot at first but I was stupidly unarmed so got stabbed. Not a good day
Tony Stark reports:
Doctor Snek reports:
I killed Proxima Midnight at 12:30 today with a lightsabre, having first run up to a totally innocent non-playing stranger and jabbed him in the back of the neck while yelling "stabbity stab stabby!"
This was, of course, a totally strategic decision, and in no way due to misinformation from the Umpire.
[Umpire: I thought he'd seen me talk to Rae, but he instead went for the dude next to her. He didn't even look surprised...Cambridge wears you down, I guess...]
Proxima Midnight reports:
Proxima knew that she had made some mistakes in the last few days. She didn't know that she had been on her last chance until she blew it.
She kept her eyes locked on her father's as his henchman came for her. She would not fail him ever again.
calculaTHOR reports:
Talking to mathmos: unheard of but useful. Apparently, one of them was meeting Neal to give his bowtie back. I decided to "give" Neal something else: a stab wound.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Starlord was honestly not on his game that day. Up out of the shaky existence he had replaced sleep with and directly into being taken by surprise from behind.
"You! The Fair Rabbit's friend!"
Starlord turned, inwardly cursing.
Of course it was going to be that guy with infinitely better chiselled abs than he had. As if his day needed to be any more embarassing.
"I am here to lend my assistance."
With the help of the mighty Thor, Starlord was able to take down two opponents (Oliver Bilbie and Roddy MacSween) before the mighty Thor was struck down (he, like the others, would be back).
Duckdevil reports:
Andrew Darby and Alex Hibbert visited me in my room. Shots were exchanged between myself (Oliver) and Andrew. One of Andrew's bullets found me, and one of my bullets ricocheted killing Alex.
THANOS reports:
Observing you all has been highly informative, but each successive time I die my fingers itch to click...
calculaTHOR reports:
Who knew that a simple shopping trip could cure paranoia for about a sixth of a day? Unfortunately, the cure itself is slightly very painful when it penetrates your body.
Drax reports:
I was just settling to listen to the crazy man on Sidney Street with the loud hailer and "evolution is a hoax" billboard screaming something about Genesis, when I was shot twice by Leo. The first one I turned away from a chanced a carrier bag with my gun in it across the path of the bullet, but it would have done the job anyway. The second was clean. He was with someone that I presume was Joe Malt. Immediately afterwards, Alex Hardwick came flying past, and was shot at without success, escaping.
Michael
Drax
calculaTHOR reports:
My sources suggest hot chocolate tastes better with some added blood.
Gamora reports:
Gamora should have been glad to be alive, even if she shouldn't be, even if she didn't know how, being alive instead of dead was a *good* thing.
Except that she had awoken back in Thanos' throne room. He wasn't there but that hardly mattered. There were people loyal to him who had taken the opportunity to win favour by torturing her until she said she had seen the error of her ways, the stupidity of trying to escape.
And now she had to prove that she was loyal again by slaughtering her captured friend in front of them.
She told herself that Groot was doomed anyway, it didn't matter that it was her that did it.
She told herself that she hadn't really done it. As though holding some modified rodent to her friend's chest while it gnawed through flesh was better than using a sword. As though it wasn't infinitely less mericiful and she wouldn't have used her sword if she hadn't been ordered not to.
She told herself she'd escape again soon.
Groot reports:
*I* *am* Groot. I am Groot. We are Groot. *I am* Groot. *I am Groot*. *I am Groot*. I am Groot... I AM Groot.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Soon later, Starlord was being distracted by Rocket demanding he recount his previous tales when a different Thor took him out (a more calculating version, if you will). He was in no position to respond and the hit was quick.
calculaTHOR reports:
- Spot
- Hide
- Await
- Run
- Kill
The SHARK method is effective.
calculaTHOR reports:
As Andrew was leaving the shop, a few bullets left my gun. What's left is a dead body.
The Soul Stone [Note: Not the Actual Soul Stone] reports:
I was walking past the co-op by the station, on my way to Homerton formal, and Leo happened to be there locking his bike. I could only draw my triad in time and shot at him unsuccessfully. I dodged his bullets as I attempted to get my strongarm out of my bag but his sixth shot hit me in the chest.
calculaTHOR reports:
We've warned Edwin before to be armed. He didn't learn his lesson.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Starlord was holding the mind and power stones in his hands so tightly that he thought he might crush them. Still, he couldn't afford to think of what it cost him. It was all for a cause... it was all for a cause.
Lowly, he hummed 'Footloose' under his breath and rubbed his scarred face.
It was all for a cause.
Even as he executed the chiselled 'god' as they called him, he reminded himself that it was all for a cause.
He couldn't stumble now. He'd sacrificed too damn much, done too damn much...
Cracks appeared across the soul and mind stones, but the power stone only grew that much brighter as he continued and the reality stone began to pulse in time with his heartbeat. The time stone hummed dully and the space stone in his grasp had begun to orbit his head.
It was nearly time for the stones to choose their next wielder.
And still, whenever he tried to use one, its power rejected him.
"You're closer... we believe you are willing to sacrifice... now leave yourself with nothing to lose."
The cracks within the soul and mind stones began to widen, like something was inside, trying to hatch.
Dr Horrible reports:
This appeared as a moral dilemma, 'cauze at first it was weird though I swore to eliminite the worst of the plague that dewoured humanity, it's true I was vague on the how so how can it be that you, have shown mi the light.
lt's a Brand New Day,
And the sum is high,
All the birds are singing,
Goz you're gonna die.
How I hesitated now I wander why, it's a Brand New Day...
calculaTHOR reports:
Standing in the wardrobe for half an hour may not be fun. It was worth it though. When the door opened I waited for Michael to make sure I wasn't in the room, after which I opened the wardrobe door and shot him.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
"Quill?... Quill!"
Starlord shook himself out of his stupor.
"R-... run that past me again."
The Mighty Thor nodded and with his thunderous voice boomed "It's quite simple, Starlord. As I have said, your lover is back... and she is under the control of Thanos."
"I am groot."
"But... no, I mean... look, if she's back here, then maybe we can-"
"Quill... there's nothing to be done." Rocket sighed. "You gotta take her out before she kills us all."
"I am groot."
"Quill... the spirits of your ancestors will protect you... well, unless you mess up... then, they probably weren't protecting you."
Drax... helpful as ever.
So, that brought him to his current situation.
Quill couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes as he did it, so he approached from behind and shot once.
Once was all that was required, right?
Damn it, what more did these stones want from him?! He'd seen her die once, he'd chosen to execute her once to save the galaxy, even if it had failed, now he had to actually kill her by his own hand?!
He couldn't even bear to look as her body fell to the ground and he turned away. The cracks in the stones in his possession deepened.
"I... I told you to go right. Why the hell couldn't you just go right? Or was it left... I... I honestly don't remember anymore."
Killing the snake felt damn well cathartic after that.
After that, he had very little luck for much of the rest of the day.
Gamora reports:
Gamora didn't have her guard up. She had decided years before that she didn't want to live as Thanos' daughter. And it wasn't like there would be a need to try to defend herself-the only people around were her father's goons. She *wanted* to fight them but it would be pointless. They didn't even let her have her sword.
So when she heard the door open behind her she didn't move, just waited for someone to grab her and drag her to her feet. Instead there was the sound of the blaster and a sudden shock of blinding pain in her spine. She knew instantly that it was a fatal shot but that her modifications would give her an extra second of life as she crumpled to the ground. She used that final second to turn and face her attacker.
Starlord.
He had done what she asked.
Much, much too late. But he'd done it.
Her second death hurt far less than her first.
Doctor Snek reports:
HISSSSSSSSSS
THANOS reports:
Was lying in bed updating reports. Snek left to go make breakfast. I heard the familiar, somewhat calming sound of bullets popping off.
A dead Snek heavily discouraged Quill from proceeding inside (I hadn't dressed yet, and nobody needs to see that).
The Soul Stone [Note: Not the Actual Soul Stone] reports:
I was making my way downtown, walking fast, faces passed, and suddenly there was a bullet in my back courtesy of Alex Allen.
Valkyrie reports:
The son of Odin will feast tonight in the halls of Valhalla. As, apparently, will I.
Rocket reports:
Once I disposed of that strangely sentient stone, I was joined by The Mighty Thor. If you assumed being accompanied by Thor would make killing off these annoying humans more fun... you'd be correct. He died hilariously to his own Valkyrie. Of course a big gun is the solution to any problem and she died in short order. Tony Stark then made an appearance. Shame he flew off or I would have definitely made him very well acquainted with my bullets hehehe
calculaTHOR reports:
Stab!
calculaTHOR reports:
Bang, bang!
[Umpire: Get it, guys? It's onomatopoeic.]
THANOS reports:
The second minigame had higher attendance (presumably due to a later start and it being later in May Week), and was based around individual and team combat.
We started with two games of Knives (Not Knives) in the Dark (Not Dark At All), the first won by Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill (Andrew Darby), the second by Drax (Michael Warman).
Then there was a game of King of the Hill, which was emphatically won by the Guardians + Thor (Alex Allen, Andrew Darby, Valentin Foley, Alex Hibbert, Michael Warman), but the Others (Andrew Browne, Romaric Masson, Michael Djali, Leo Zlotnikov) did
hold the fort when the game ended, so they receive a 2.5 bonus for that (winning a game conferred a 5-point bonus, plus the 10-point bonus for attending the minigame in the first place). Highlights of King of the Hill included the amusing spectacles of The Mighty Thor (Alex Hibbert)
regularly lunging one-legged across the field yelling something about ODIN'S WRATH while brandishing his hammer, Parsifleur (Romaric Masson) regularly charging the entirety of the other team solo for no reason other than sheer enjoyment, and The Soul Stone [Note: Not the Actual Soul Stone] (Andrew Browne)
managing to off the entire other team at one point pretty much single-handedly.
The final game involved each team being given 6 pens, and the goal being to protect the pens you have, steal others from the other team, and end the game with more pens at your base than the other team had at theirs. After a fair amount of confusion (I may have been pulling most of the logistics out of my ass) and looking
for almost the entire game like one team was going to win by a landslide, it actually ended in a draw, so we decided the winner with a jolt duel between Parsifleur (Romaric Masson) and Rocket (Alex Allen). Rocket won the duel, thus winning the game for her other teammates as well (Michael Djali, Valentin Foley and
Andrew Darby).
Bonus points are conferred as follows:
Andrew Darby: 25 points
Michael Warman: 20 points
Valentin Foley: 20 points
Alex Allen: 20 points
Alex Hibbert: 15 points
Michael Djali: 17.5 points
Romaric Masson: 12.5 points
Leo Zlotnikov: 12.5 points
Andrew Browne: 12.5 points
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
Deadpool's Severed Hand has a new gun. Deadpool's Severed Hand likes his new gun.
Celaena Sardothien reports:
Shot 3 times from behind from someone who I thought was a friend :'(
calculaTHOR reports:
Stab!
The Soul Stone [Note: Not the Actual Soul Stone] reports:
I was hungry and needing food, so while waiting at Van of Life, I noticed Romaric Masson cycling past, and he turned left. Maybe he was going to Sainsbury's, and I needed to go there too, so off I went. After taking some time to find vegan hot chocolate (turns out a lot of it is not actually vegan) I was on my way to pay when I spotted him at the sandwiches, so took a detour to get behind him and stabbed him in the back with a pen "knife"
THANOS reports:
I will burn the heart out of you.
Gamora reports:
Gamora woke up again to a life she still didn't want to live. And more torture. She didn't know why, maybe they just wanted to hurt her for some reason. When they were finally done with her she was left alone to finally rest.
She must have been asleep or almost asleep when she heard a voice outside. She couldn't place the name but he had been an ally who wanted to fight her father. Someone who could help her.
Gamora dragged herself to her feet and picked up a blaster some idiot had left on the floor and stepped out of the room. She had been right about the identity of the voice and he wasn't alone. Peter was back. Between the three of them, ecen while she was slower and fuzzier than usual perhaps they stood a chance of escape.
The noise of a blaster firing and Gamora's left arm was torn off. She instinctively shot in the direction the sound had come from before realising it was Peter who had shot her.
But why? He must have been able to see that she couldn't seem to die so why did he think that would help?
Another blast shattered her torso before she could ask.
Peter 'Star-Lord' Quill reports:
Deadpool's Severed Hand reports:
Once again the hand used his sign language to communicate to a fellow assassin that he wanted to duel. He lost the duel, again. Hands should not be allowed to duel.
Celaena Sardothien reports:
Me and my previous ally Sam Sully duelled to settle our disputes in robinson tonight. Duel began at 11.15, opposite sides of Robinson. Both armed we crawled through muddy undergrowth (underground carpark) and climbed up trees (the many levels of Robinson). After a few nail-biting encounters and much mad running across the gardens and up staircases, I eventually shot Sam in the back from my vantage point above him and he fell to the ground, dead. (11.30)
