The following are members of the Guild Police force, whose sole job is to rid Cambridge of any wanted criminals.
| Pseudonym | Name | Address | College | Water Weapons? | Other |
| Sergeant BunBun of Nifty Division | Matthew Lohse | 25, Bene't Street Hostel | Corpus Christi | None | |
| Special Agent Hertz Van Rentell | Simon Sprague | K2, Harvey Court | Caius | None | |
| PC Grim Reaper Jr. | David Roughley | 44, Market Hostel | King's | None | |
| PC Tyler | Joel Janiurek | 202, Tennis Court Road Hostel | King's | None | |
| PC Tycheros | David Morgan | A7, Harvey Court | Caius | None | |
| PC Mal Fet | Tom Hardcastle | C16, Cripps Building | St. John's | None | |
| PC Mandos | David Chapman | K112 | King's | None | |
| PC Zeus | Michael Bisgrove | 19, Kenny B | Downing | None | |
| PC Lawless | Gbenga Adelekan | Room 204, Keynes Hostel | King's | With Care | |
| PC Mu | Matt Rowen | G11b | Corpus Christi | None | |
| PC Li Mu Bai | Chris Till | Room 204, Tennis Court Road Hostel | King's | None | |
| PC Stwrangler | Bernhard Klein | S2 | Downing | None | |
| PC Ringmaster-shod-the-elk | Edward Wallace | Q11 | Caius | With Care | |
| Inspector Wig | Robert Hiersemenzel | Bluntyre room 15, 24/28 Glisson Road | Emmanuel | None | Wanted |
| PC Philosopher | Ed Clayton | Q5 | Emmanuel | None | Wanted |
The police force often suffers casualties at the hands of the assassins whose game they protect. The force graveyard currently contains:
| PC Jantrit RIP | Ben Cumming | King's | |
| PC Sephiroth RIP | Eduardo Tamraz | King's | |
| PC Pike RIP | Jonathan Hogg | St. Catherine's | |
| Stazi Officer Pumpkin | Ralph Clark | Pembroke | |
| PC Big Hairy Monster | David Knipe | Trinity | |
| Agent Stumo | Stuart Moore | St. John's | |
| Dog Handler Glib | Josh Lewison | Downing | |
| PC Fu Hsi's Ghost's Ghost (Wanted for murder) |
Sam Kabo Ashwell | King's | |
| Agent Fez | Freya Lodge | Downing | |
| Agent Blue | Emily Knight | Downing | |
| PC Mariachi | James Chilcott | Trinity | |
| Agent Larseny | Tom Larsen | Downing | |
| PC Murray the Invincible Demonic Skull | Mario Sainz-Martinez | Jesus | |
| Sergeant Spectre | David Chow | Trinity | |
| PC Casaubon | Jack Vickeridge | Trinity | |
| Agent Sarcastic Truck Dodger | Simon Jones | Girton | |
| PC Unity | Hannah Fenton | Jesus | |
| PC Dread Pirate Christoff | Chris Watling | Girton | |
| John PC Sunset G. Babylon B. Enoitvicedo-Shaft in Africa | Neil Morrison | Trinity | |
| PC Delta | Danny Kong | Downing | |
| Agent Cupcake | Mark Reid | Pembroke | |
| PC Raven | Richard Nicklin | St. Catherine's | |
| PC Phoenix | Daniel Grundy | Corpus Christi | |
| Agent Zero | Paul O'Grady | Robinson | Wanted for Corruption |
| Agent Macgyver | Sanah Faridi | Newnham | |
| Agent Fox Mulder | Michael Nickson | Selwyn | |
| Inspector Bri Bubble | Bjoern Holzhauer | Caius | |
| PC Eminence | Martin O'Leary | St. John's | |
| PC Vindicare | Michael Cripps | Trinity Hall | |
| Agent Dead Man Walking | Edward Dallal | Selwyn | |
| Agent Orange | Chris Ogden | Pembroke | |
| PC 'Crusher' McGoo | David Pickavance | Corpus Christi | |
| Agent Godfather | Tim Blanchard | Selwyn | |
| PC Constantine | Sarah Przybylska | King's | |
| Agent Fluffy Bunny | David Rufino | Selwyn | |
| Agent Phoenix | Lara Crow | Selwyn | |
| Agent Kal | Stephen Ingram | Selwyn | |
| PC ML | Melvin Leong | Queens' | |
| PC Hammurabi, Giver of Law | David Owens | Emmanuel | |
| Chief Exquisite Corpse | Alex Cairns | ||
| PC McGreedy 3 Puddings | Ian Kisby | Selwyn | |
| Sergeant Quetzalcoatl | Jenny Chase | Girton |