Given the events of a previous game, I had a bean to pick with J.K.Rowling's Worst Nightmare. The promise of material goods (not beans) drew J.K.Rowling's Worst Nightmare into the lair of [REDACTED COLLEGE] late at night, where we had bean waiting to ambush. Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) had a friendly guise, and was careful to not spill the beans, but as soon as J.K.Rowling's Worst Nightmare turned the corner, BennyTheBean struck out of the shadows. However, BennyTheBean had un-bean-lievably bad aim, and the bullet only grazed J.K.Rowling's Worst Nightmare's arm, which went limp like a boiled string bean. She drew her own gun and chaos briefly ensued, before she ran off (like a runner bean).

I come to you with a tale of woe betrayal and deceit A tale so foul no-one has yet heard it and kept their lunch within A tale so vile and full of the fires of hatred it could light the long dead forges of Erebor A tale so chilling it could quench the eternal flame Yada yada yada blah blah blah you get the drift

The night was cold and dark a sense of fate hung in the air This is that to which the Hallowed Ancients referred Doom was at hand Enter our players From forth two Houses do they emerge one known for Gallantry and Honour one for Treachery and Treason Your protagonist dear reader comes from the first of these trusting and willing to lend a hand to those in need The villains of the piece crawl forth from the latter slithering and squirming like the snakes nay worms that they are I warn you good reader avert your eyes now for their names along are enough to churn the stomach of the strongest warrior Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) and BennytheBean

And so my friend as these players do take their places we see their true character come out Beelzebub reincarnate BennytheBean sook to betray and their servant Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) looked no further than their ally yes indeed! Their ally Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) painted a tale of woe to your author and she ever gallant listened with open heart and took it all in BennytheBean lacked or so it was claimed was lacking in weaponry and from the goodness and kindness of my heart I struck a deal I would take such weaponry to Belphegor BennytheBean themself as a sign of goodwill and friendship

The deed was set and I was given a location inside the aforementioned House of Treachery Full of hope and joy I packed up the promised weaponry and set forth on a merry journey into the unknown Up and down searched I left and right for this forsaken hollow Over and under hill across dale I forged the deepest stream and climbed the highest mountain Finally I found it surrounded in mist a putrid stench emanating How fit it is for such spawn of Satan to find themselves dwelling here Out from the shadows emerged a friendly face Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) regaled me with tails of mistaken identity and joy I trusted my ally All was safe All was happy

I followed Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) toward their abode foetid cesspit though it was when from the mists emerged the forked tail and horns of Lucifer BennytheBean I raised my arm to greet them when the treachery was revealed and a gun brought forth

bang

Pure death burst forth in a rage of fire All the chaos and evil of Pandaemonium rushed for me In a split second my life flashed before my eyes Every happy moment and every sad all joy and sorrow lust and love a swirl of emotions converging on this time and this place I raised my thoughts to the heavens and prayed to the Almighty

The Almighty listened to me and the wrath of Hell was swept of to one side piercing my left arm Pain wrenched out like nothing I had felt before but I knew I must keep my senses before the Devil struck again I fled Not satisfied with just betrayal BennytheBean cried out in deceit Im a civilian I would not fall for their wicked plans again As I fled I glanced behind to see the distorted form of Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) sneaking from bush to bush following me but the weight of all the evil in the world prevented them from catching me I returned to my House and gasped the password to the gatekeeper warning him of the evil that was following me He will keep a watchful eye and the names BennytheBean and Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) will forever by damned by all that is Good and Right

(The Phantom, I hope your [REDACTED] book is alright!)

An Ode to Nero:

My Dearest Nero, you whose hair tints red
in the morning sun, whose kindness and brutality
is unbounded like lines of crossed sand, it is
to you, like straw, that I grasp, buried under
the weight of consciousness.

Constant dances in my mind swirl about
you, indefinite and eternal, songs and whispers
of what could be. An emperor by any other name
could not slip so close, unbidden on the wind.
"enfocare en ti" as the Spaniards say.

Your name haunts through cloudy skies,
the cry of a bird or the rock who is wise.
The hills resound around with the deeds by which
judgement falls, and your sword, sharp with night,
glistens like poisoned fangs.

But now, away, away you must go, till the
mysteries have unearthed themselves with mortal
delight. Be true, be sound, and soon together we
will take on the halls of Elysium; the promise echoes
thus on the fleeting breeze.

Yours unwaveringly,
Elagabalus

My situation was dire. I was but minutes away from being declared incompetent. A mere dirty criminal. I had to find a target. Fast.

Once again finding myself at [REDACTED COLLEGE] for [REDACTED ACTIVITY], I made my way down to the Q block of [REDACTED BUILDING]. Although the door had thwarted me last time, I won't not allow it to make a fool out of me, even if it takes me years to get in, one day I shall conquer this door.

I gave the door a pull. Once again, it was locked.

Once again, I decided to camp in the crevasse of the lift, hoping someone would be foolish enough to let me in and unleash my wrath on Medusa.

'If someone appears, perhaps I could convince them to open the door' I thought to myself. As if playing a cruel joke on me, the building was completely empty. The soft hum of the ventilation was the only thing I could hear. Alas. I was alone.

After about 20 minutes of waiting, the lift came up, and a separate group of people came up the stairs. Their conversation made it obvious that they were coming back from bumps. They unlocked the door, and I tried to sneak in, but one of them noticed and gave me a look that burned into my chest. In shock, I stumbled back into my hiding place, hoping to catch the door once their backs were turned, but alas, the door handle slipped through my hand, and the door clicked shut. My one opportunity gone. Dust. Enraged, I left the building, and made my way to [REDACTED ACTIVITY]

It had bean a long day, and I was tired, but the prospect of a couple of fun little kills tempted me out of my pod. There were an awful lot of stairs in [Redacted College], so by the second unanswered door my little beany leg(ume)s were quite knackered. For some reason the locked doors were relentiless on this particular trip, and after the very scary guard of a particularly massive college gate required that I vetch some identification and I got a little lost trying to wind my way pinto another area of the college, I headed back a little deflated. Like my friend helda. I hope my next trip is more successful. I would not be peased otherwise.

Dear Former Emperors Nero and Elagabalus,

Kindly cease sharing mere pleasantries here. This is a serious discussion board intended for publication of the most severe incidents, including but not limited to Murder, Conquest, Coercion, and Trolling. Your reigns have been terminated and the Roman Empire dissolved. Further Ottoman Imperial action will be taken shortly if these messages continue

Yours,

Sultan Suleiman the Magnificent, Sovereign of The Sublime House of Osman, Sultan of Sultans, Khan of the Khans, Commander of the faithful and Successor of the Prophet of the lord of the Universe, Custodian of the Holy Cities of Mecca, Medina and Jerusalem, Caesar of Rome, Padishah of The Three Cities of Constantinople, Edirne and Bursa, and of the Cities of Damascus and Cairo, of all Azerbaijan, of the Maghreb, of Barkah, of Kairouan, of Alep, of the Arab and Persian Iraq, of Basra, of El Hasa strip, of Raqqa, of Mosul, of Parthia, of Diyar Bekr, of Cilicia, of the provinces of Erzurum, of Sivas, of Adana, of Karaman, of Van, of Barbaria, of Abyssinia, of Tunisia, of Tripoli, of Syria, of Cyprus, of Rhodes, of Crete, of the province of Peloponnese, of the Mediterranean Sea, the Black Sea, of Anatolia, of Rumelia, of Bagdad, of Kurdistan, of Greece, of Turkestan, of Tartary, of Circassia, of the two regions of Kabarda, of Georgia, of the steppe of Kipchaks, of the whole country of the Tatars, of Theodosia and of all the neighbouring regions, of Bosnia, of the City and Fort of Belgrade, of the province of Serbia, with all the castles and cities, of all Arnaut, of all Eflak and Moldavia, as well as all the dependencies and borders, and many others countries and cities.

and I had insider information that Anzu would be in [redacted], but regrettably he was not there. We then took a trip to Emma. We had minimal success locating Kitsu-neigh or infinitetriangle. However, we then took a trip to see StirFriedNoodle, and this was more exciting. We tried his door, but it was locked. *Sad face.* Hence we knocked, and he announced "It's open! Come in! I've got sweeties." (He didn't say the last one.) Following this, a shootout took place for the next ~hour, in which both sides were very gracious in returning the other's (overly sentimentalised) bullets. When it was concluded that the battle was a stalemate, suitably safety conditions were agreed upon and we took our flight. A nervous run out of Emma later, we returned home.

Firstly, shortly before 10am, I aimed to ambush orphanage_runaway on the way to lectures. This alas, did not succeed ([REDACTED]). Then, c. 2-4 I tried to locate Fyredel at their [REDACTED] but alas they evaded me. Finally, from 4 I staked out medusa65's [REDACTED] but also unsuccessful there. I may at some point be required to do my degree. Help!

- Peter Jackson, MA, probably

저는 피레델의 다리를 쐈어요. 그것은 불가피했습니다. 내 탄약에 결함이 있어서 한 번밖에 제대로 사격할 수 없었습니다.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

- Douglas Adams, while waiting fruitlessly in an assassin's unlocked room, probably