Week 3 News

Saturday, 17 February


[11:45 AM] Roko's Basilisk accepts aid from the Corrupt to kill Gorlock(Kishan Zala)!
Roko's Basilisk reports:

Gorlock is dead. Gorlock remains dead. And we have killed him.

- Friedrich Nietzsche, probably


[11:56 AM] Lethal goblin, aided by Beta 007, Roadman and Daisy mae, goes knocking on S0meting_W0ng's door, which isn't opening!

[12:00 PM] the irony fails to track down Angry hamster and Multi-fairy-ate differential equations!

[12:09 PM] Lethal goblin, Beta 007, Roadman and Daisy mae continue their hunt for kills and competency. Roadman fires a shot at TamilTigr, but misses!

[12:21 PM] Lethal goblin, Beta 007 and Roadman make several more attempts, but fail in all of them and can't track down Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all)!

[12:40 PM] semipreciousgem27! stabs TamilTigr with an illicit weapon and goes Wanted!

[14:06 PM] The incompetency list goes live! Happy hunting everyone!

[14:08 PM] Incobash: Trumpington Village Hall kills SSB(Sachin Bhogal) and deadfly (Vimal Kamath). The Dragon Queen proves Saphyre's status as the best dragon by killing Smaug(Nathan Jin ). Roko's Basilisk kills Neon God(Matthew Zhang),wrathofphoenix(Seun Ige ) and Samwise200(Rahul Sharma). The Phantom kills Water Ghost (mortal incarnation #1) and Ouroboros(Gianpaolo Ruju) earning the favour of the omnipotent umpires
Trumpington Village Hall reports:

Every few moons there comes a day of ritual sacrifice and communal bloodshed; the call to participate was irresistible and thus drew our spirits to the place where cooks race. My disguise was cunning and utterly infallible. 100%. The group began to grow, along with the addition of [REDACTED] weaponry and devilish bribes (I really doughn't know how they were as successful as they were!). As the clock struck 2, thunder echoed while a divine hand of justice filled our brains with new knowledge; the other divine hand was busy coming from [REDACTED] but it was okay because umpires are never late and arrive precisely when they mean to. The groups split, threats of mutual extinction were bandied, and the hunt began.

The first of our haunts was loosely guarded and we slipped through the veils relatively unnoticed; the first target was not feeling like cookies, but, undeterred, we returned across the hallway to their neighbour, SSB, whose resolve crumbled. High on the joys of sacrifice, we mostly managed to forget about the first target which led to a certain arm being MIA. Thankfully, the wound was harmless and not mortal, but we were lucky to be so unscathed. There was a certain unwillingness to open doors - I have never heard so many people outright refuse cookies... The groups split, threats of mutual extinction were bandied, and the hunt began.

Our next location yielded no fruit. Not a single vegetable either.

Continuing on our voyage, having lamented the lack of participation from a certain college (cough cough Frances) we stumbled our way into [REDACTED]. It was only after we had climbed some stairs and callously walked around a corner when suddenly the delightful face of Roko's Basilisk came into view. We definitely did not discuss a potential squad-hunt. Upon deciding a more sensible course of action, we learned that two of their group had come to an untimely death at the hands of The Phantom, incompetent no more. Because we didn't feel suspicious enough, the squads merged (there's nothing quite like 8 or 9 people crowded into a tiny hallway all pointing various weaponry at some poor soul's door). We slid through to our next target, deadfly , who was equally keen to meet the big cookie in the sky.

Suddenly, the call for divine justice resounded tenfold from [REDACTED] college who managed no fewer than 5 incos!! Apparently, they were in need of some clarity. After a potential failure to recognise an inhabitant of [REDACTED], the life of Samwise200 was claimed by Roko's Basilisk. Alas, this was the last success of the day. It must be noted, however, that [REDACTED] college should be awarded the prize for the-most-chill-porter-Cambridge-has-ever-seen, who not only seemingly approved of our actions but even let us into his decently defended college! Maybe he deserved a cookie.

Roko's Basilisk reports:

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of the Incobash.

- The Phantom, The Art of War, probably

창귀 reports:

흠, 네, 오늘은 죽음이 너무 많고, 흥미진진하고, 살인도 많고, 어색한 상황도 많습니다. 정말 역대급 인코배쉬 중 하나입니다. 나는 철학을 좋아한다.

The Dragon Queen reports:

Eight assassins gathered in [REDACTED LOCATION] for the sacred task of purging the Guild of its Incompetent members: myself (The Dragon Queen), Water Ghost (mortal incarnation #1), Trumpington Village Hall, Ouroboros, Roko's Basilisk, 0, calgami and the Corrupt traitor
Once I had performed the sacred rites of AutoUmpire to identify the Incompetents, we divided ourselves into two groups. With me were Trumpington Village Hall, 0 and I restrained my murderous impulses towards the latter only with fantasies about what I would do when the sacred truce was over.
Our first stop was [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER ONE]; knew one of the Incompetents there, StirFriedNoodle of [REDACTED STAIRCASE], and bribed them with cookies to come out. This was unfortunately unsuccessful, so we continued onwards to [ANOTHER REDACTED STAIRCASE], the residence of Dragon (these nuts). They were either not in or weren't tempted by cookies.
We then realised that we had missed a target in [FIRST REDACTED STAIRCASE] and returned. SSB made the mistake of opening their door and was swiftly murdered by Trumpington Village Hall, though they did actually get cookies! StirFriedNoodle then decided to shoot at us; they had height advantage so we retreated. Our only casualty was 's arm.
Retreat hastily beaten, we continued through a tunnel to [THIRD REDACTED STAIRCASE]. As we travelled, Trumpington Village Hall invoked the dread power of Deez Nuts jokes to slay without breaking the sacred truce. I confess to a little disappointment that I was unable to do the deed myself.
We then reached [YET ANOTHER REDACTED STAIRCASE], continuing to use 's cookie strategy despite their death, but infinitetriangle claimed not to like cookies. I struggle to believe such a thing is possible; perhaps they guessed at our true intention?
We moved on to [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER TWO] and were unable to find S0meting_W0ng's staircase. Fire boy and water girl's room was much easier to track down, and turned out to be completely unlocked; unfortunately its occupant was not there to claim the new free-cookie-with-your-death special offer.
[REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER THREE] was more interesting, because we spotted the other squad: Water Ghost (mortal incarnation #1), Roko's Basilisk, Ouroboros and calgami . We quickly took cover behind a building and debated the merits of inter-squad warfare. The twin arguments of the day's purpose being the killing of Incompetents and self-preservation were successful in preventing that course of action from being taken.
We did, though, send 's corpse to negotiate, which I fully expected to lead to a pitched battle anyway. To my surprise it did not, and I joined the negotiating team to discover that they had suffered more casualties than us so far: Ouroboros and Water Ghost (mortal incarnation #1) had been slain by the no longer Incompetent The Phantom!
Water Ghost was not so easily killed as all that, of course, but it would take them time to form a new corporeal body; they would take no further part in the sacred hunt. With their permission, I robbed their corpse to upgrade my weaponry. We decided to unify our squads and continue onwards as a septet, leaving the corpse of Ouroboros behind.
Multi-fairy-ate differential equations was either out or not opening their door, but we succeeded in luring out deadfly to be killed by Trumpington Village Hall before moving onto [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER FOUR]. Here Roko's Basilisk killed Samwise200; we encountered someone who might have been medusa65 but didn't have the confidence to attack.
We checked two further staircases in this college but received no responses to our knocking and offering of cookies, so set off for [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER FIVE]. This was locked, but we were able to persuade a guard to let us in; unfortunately we could not track down our targets there.
I managed to penetrate the security of [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER SIX] by the simple means of asking a friend who happened to be there to let us in. Water Ghost and I hung back and let the others hunt, but they had no success. We lurked outside [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER SEVEN] for a little while, but the presence of a guard deterred us from attempting entry.
At this stage several of our number departed: Trumpington Village Hall, 0, the corpse of and Water Ghost (mortal incarnation #1), whose new incarnation was formed enough to allow me to return the borrowed weapons. There remained only three hunters: myself, Roko's Basilisk and calgami .
Our next stop was [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER EIGHT]. We asked a friend of Roko's Basilisk for directions, which he gave, but were unable to penetrate the security of [REDACTED ACCOMMODATION]. [DIFFERENT REDACTED ACCOMMODATION] was also locked, but we managed to tail someone in. We did not, however, manage to get as far as our next target's accommodation.
And worse still: the doors were locked both ways. We had no way out! We wandered the building for a little while before encountering an innocent belonging to [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER EIGHT], who I persuaded to let us out.
Our freedom secured, we continued on to [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER NINE]. the troll who is sick of not having enough room for his milk in the fridge door did not answer my knocks, so with the help of an accomplice we moved onto [REDACTED CORRIDOR], residence of Aphrodite and Medusa. We were lurking rather suspiciously outside Aphrodite 's room when someone emerged from the kitchen opposite. I asked where Aphrodite was and was told they didn't know and our target might be out.
I was suspicious, given the way they'd paused and stared at us, and my suspicions were confirmed when they immediately made for Medusa's room. We lurked outside the door and overheard parts of a conversation that informed us that a) that person was definitely an assassin, b) they knew we were assassins (which was not exactly a difficult deduction) and c) there was at least one innocent in the room.
Given those facts we were not inclined to try the door, and they were not inclined to counter-ambush us, so after a while we gave up and set off for our final stop, [REDACTED COLLEGE NUMBER TEN]. We entered [REDACTED STAIRCASE] and found Smaug's door unlocked. Given my immortality I was tasked with being the one to open the door, which I duly did.
This time our target was present, but our first few shots missed, giving them time to reach for a powerful weapon - my dragonfire and Roko's Basilisk's knife hit them at the same time, just before it was too late, and they fell dead at our feet. I was satisfied with our work for the cause of justice and competency.
Neon God, on the same staircase, had also left their door unlocked; they were less prepared to be attacked, though, and Roko's Basilisk immediately fatally shot them. the litch had achieved basic security, and there was no response to our knocking.
Our last stop was [ANOTHER REDACTED STAIRCASE]; this was also locked, but we followed someone in and were in the process of finding out if they knew our target when the target in question emerged from their room and was immediately shot by Roko's Basilisk.
That last deed done, we were tired and satisfied with our progress towards the elimination of Incompetents and left each other. It was a successful day: the mysterious spirits of AutoUmpire smiled upon us, casualties were higher for the Incompetents than their hunters, and the weather was even good.

The Phantom reports:

Having seen a letter from the chief of police on Fermin's desk, the Phantom knew that the police force would soon come to hunt him down. He could run, hide, and rebuild somewhere else. But that would mean leaving Christine. He had to stay. He had to fight. The first would be an easy battle. The chief of police likely didn't believe in the Phantom's existence, and even if he did, he would never be prepared for the Phantom's weapons. The only way into his domain that they could possibly find was by boat, so that was how they would come. He could simply blow them up with explosives hidden underwater, but he'd risk collapsing his tunnels. No. There was a better way. The Phantom made a large batch of ether and concealed it in bottles at the entrance to his lair. Beside them he put a containing white phosphorous and water. He tied a string to it all. As the intruders came through the arch, he would pull the string, pulling over the bottles and then the jar. The phosphorous would catch fire, and it would ignite the ether, which would spill across the water and consume the enemy in flames. The Phantom continued writing out his score for Don Juan Triumphant.

Hours later, his work was interrupted by a splash. He ran and picked up the string, but a glance round the corner told him that it was too late. The enemy were passed the entrance. The Phantom dropped the string, picked up his gun, put out the candles, and hid among the organ pipes. The police officers came in and looked around, while the Phantom watched and loaded his gun. As the officers came out, they spotted him. He raised his gun. The officers took cover behind the organ manuals. None of them had seen a machine-gun like it before, and must have thought it was an ordinary rifle, as the chief of police jumped out and fired at the Phantom. The bullet ricocheted off an organ pipe, and the Phantom fired off a burst, hitting him in the head and killing him instantly. After several more exchanges of fire, with another officer wounded, the police extinguished their lantern and ran for their boat. The Phantom held his fire, rather than risk further damage to his precious organ. Once the police had left his lair, he gave the string a hard pull. There was a sound of breaking glass, and a wall of flame shot up in the archway. The police would be reluctant to return. The Phantom blasted out some chords on the organ to see them off, the sound echoing down the tunnels. But it just didn't sound right. He set to work fixing and tuning the organ pipes that had been dented by the bullets.


[14:20 PM] Daisy mae rounds 006.9(John Gergen) down to 0

[16:50 PM] Angry hamster(Eliza Powers) finds no opportunity to be angry as they are slain by Beta 007 with the help of Lethal goblin and Roadman
Beta 007 reports:

In the grand and ever twisting corridors of our esteemed abode a plot most ingenious unfurled under the veil of an ordinary day. The American Angry hamster unsuspecting in her daily traverse became the centrepiece of a meticulously crafted stratagem.

The prelude to this cosmic dance commenced with Daisy mae a cunning co-conspirator wielding the Moon that I gave her and created a tennis ball of lunar semblance. With the grace of an astral puppeteer Daisy mae masterfully orchestrated the downfall of John with the accomplice of myself through the moon and Roadman through his charming banter and another American in our midst setting the stage for the grander spectacle to follow.

As the echoes of this lunar demise gently faded the scene was set for a celestial drama of Martian proportions. I armed with Mars a tennis ball aptly labeled to embody the ferocity of the Red Planet lay in wait. The stage was our very own corridor transformed into an arena where celestial bodies would collide.

Enter Angry hamster blissfully unaware of the impending astronomical anomaly. The ruse was simple yet effective. Daisy mae with the charm of a seasoned diplomat enticed Angry hamster into the corridor under the guise of capturing photos before a concert. Roadman the bard of our troupe employed his charming banter a symphony of words that masked the true nature of our gathering.

As Angry hamster stepped into the corridor the stars aligned. With the precision of a cosmic sniper I launched Mars propelling it through the air with the might of a thousand rockets. The tennis ball now a harbinger of doom hurtled towards Angry hamster striking her fatally in the stomach. The impact echoed through the halls a testament to the lethal efficiency of our interplanetary weapon.

In the aftermath of this galactic encounter the corridor stood silent a witness to the astronomical artistry that had unfolded. Angry hamster struck down in her prime by the wrath of Mars met her end with the dignity of a spacefarer facing the unknown.

This report a chronicle of the celestial strike serves not only as a testament to our ingenuity but also as a reminder of the cosmic ballet that plays out in the Assassins' Guild. In our game of shadows and light we dance among the stars wielding planets as our weapons etching our stories in the annals of time.

Thus concludes the tale of Angry hamster'ss final orbit a narrative woven from the fabric of the cosmos etched forever in the stars.


[17:00 PM] Trumpington Village Hall slays through a shadow contract. is thus redeemed
reports:


[18:24 PM] Phoenix slays Pretty little unicorn (Jack murphy)
Phoenix reports:

All day long I fought valiantly alongside Pretty little unicorn against dastardly foes (ie. the Oxford Tiddlywinks team). During our crusade through the city's drinking establishments, I realised that I ought to purge him of his two sins (losing so many points to Oxford AND being Incompetent) with my phoenix flames of vengeance. The ashes lie on the table mixed with his beer.


[18:34 PM] goes Corrupt for seeking to break the AU once more
reports:


[21:50 PM] Penguinwithagun shoots Starry Cokroach(Eszter Szentivanyi) and Apex(Lois Reed-Davis) with a gun. Fulminata assists Penguinwithagun in their devious plan to seek revenge for past wrongs
Fulminata reports:

At a little past 2 o'clock in the afternoon I checked the website and discovered to my delight that not one, not two but three inhabitants of my house were listed as incompetent. I thus began scheming their demise with the competent assassin in my house, texting them throughout the day. Our plan involved gunning them down when they were all present in common room. I determined that their attendance of the Valentine's Bop at college was an indicator that they were likely to congregate in the common room before setting out. To my disappointment, the three of them never were present in the common room at the same time, so at 10pm my co-conspirator and I decided to, quite literally, execute our plan. I had planned a grandiose speech about their condemnation to death by the Assassin's Guild and how this was retribution for having destroyed my college marriage (I had been previously been married to both Starry Cokroach and Penguinwithagun, but semipreciousgem27! schemed behind my back and got Starry Cokroach to marry Apex since Apex was single), but Penguinwithagun unexpectedly entered the room guns blazing, and despatched both of them with a single shot. We then went upstairs to semipreciousgem27!'s room, where I knocked on her door. She told me to come in so I entered and shot her immediately. With her final breath, she cursed the Assassin's Guild and Water Ghost in particular for annulling her kill with a butter knife.


[22:00 PM] semipreciousgem27!(Beril Yediayli ) becomes a non-precious gem at the hands of Fulminata

[22:52 PM] Ashen-Shugar slays Songbird(Niamh Gallagher)

[23:41 PM] S0meting_W0ng goes Wanted for an incomplete address.

Sunday, 18 February


[13:27 PM] Aarakocra makes an attempt on Multi-fairy-ate differential equations

[16:53 PM] Trumpington Village Hall kills Multi-fairy-ate differential equations(Iris Creighton)

[22:00 PM] Penguinwithagun fails to find Rick Grimes at their abode

Monday, 19 February


[10:57 AM] infinitetriangle betrays and murders Dragon (these nuts)(Gabriel Poraj)!

[11:00 AM] the irony wonders around for a while looking for people to kill but finds none

[13:03 PM] Elagabalus has a message for a fellow emperor...
Elagabalus reports:

Dearest Nero, I hope you are enjoying the weather. Avoid salads at all costs, and please beware tyrannical rule. Yours faithfully, Elagabalus


[14:36 PM] Betrayal is in the air today... Ouroboros and Aarakocra turn on and kill bingledorf(Mia Williams) and bungledorf(Sylvia Han) respectively!
Aarakocra reports:

Upon waking up this morning, I checked the list of incompetents. I was shocked to find that my friends, my beloved comrades in arms, bingledorf and bungledorf, have become mere criminals. My heart shattered into a million pieces, as I realised what I had to do. I contacted Ouroboros as we were going to see them today for [REDACTED ACTIVITY]. We met them, joyously saying our greetings, as the guilt started to take over. They suspected nothing, and yet I was here, ready to betray them - my friends, who stood by my side last week during our killing spree. After we finished [REDACTED ACTIVITY] and were leaving [REDACTED FACILITY], Ouroboros and I waited until bingledorf and bungledorf's backs were turned, and we exchanged a somber nod. I sighed, pulling out my gun, hands shaking. My friends, my comrades, now become mere criminals, scourge of the earth. There is no space for love in war - only bullets and knives. I looked at them, so innocent, so blissfully unaware that death was breathing down their necks, that their comrades in arms were about to betray them. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger.


[16:50 PM] Penguinwithagun uses said gun to shoot Fire boy and water girl(Harris Wood )!

Tuesday, 20 February


[09:57 AM] Phoenix slays Aphrodite (Olivia lawrence ) with a knife in the back

[11:58 AM] The Dragon Queen sets Saphyre on Only letters, numbers and punctuation, this is all our software can handle! Will be used to hide your identity when you make reports. If you pick an inappropriate pseudonym the Umpires will choose a new one for you... that option is not recommended. Your answer(Reuben Price) finally purging their outrageously long pseudonym from existence
The Dragon Queen reports:

Saphyre and I greatly enjoyed the morning's [REDACTED COURSE] lecture; not only was [REDACTED MAJOR CONCEPT IN THAT COURSE] defined, we also discovered some of the intriguing consequences of applying [REDACTED OTHER CONCEPT] to [REDACTED MAJOR CONCEPT]. Only one thing made our happiness incomplete: the presence of living Incompetents in the lecture!
Clearly this had to change; Only letters, numbers and punctuation, this is all our software can handle! Will be used to hide your identity when you make reports. If you pick an inappropriate pseudonym the Umpires will choose a new one for you... that option is not recommended. Your answer needed to die. We noted down the first half of [REDACTED], packed my laptop and notebook away, and followed Only letters, numbers and punctuation, this is all our software can handle! Will be used to hide your identity when you make reports. If you pick an inappropriate pseudonym the Umpires will choose a new one for you... that option is not recommended. Your answer out of [REDACTED LECTURE THEATRE]. They did not observe our presence, so once we were within range I unleashed Saphyre; she struck true, killing Only letters, numbers and punctuation, this is all our software can handle! Will be used to hide your identity when you make reports. If you pick an inappropriate pseudonym the Umpires will choose a new one for you... that option is not recommended. Your answer instantly.
We continued on our way, pleased with our work. Another Incompetent had been eliminated and Saphyre had made her first kill. I was happy.


[17:17 PM] Aarakocra fails to find Aphrodite and Medusa
Aarakocra reports:

I found myself in [Redacted] for [REDACTED ACADEMIC ACTIVITY]. Having arrived quite early, due to an anxiety fuelled romp through the city [the redacted academic activity was due to start at 6], I decided to check the list of filthy criminals, and found, to my delight, 3 of them, two of which live in the Q block of [Redacted]. Oh rapture! I could perform my very own [[Redacted] Massacre! I broke into [Redacted] with the help of a resident who seemed to be lost in their own world. Upon arriving at Q block, I found myself coming against an old enemy - the locked door. My disappointment was immeasurable, and my day was ruined. After struggling with it for what seemed like hours, and pressing lots of buttons outside it, all of which seemed to do nothing, I gave up and decided to camp outside until someone turned up or until I had to depart for [REDACTED ACADEMIC ACTIVITY]. 10 minutes passed; some people sauntered along the lower floors, but no one dared trudge up to the top. Finally, at 17:38, someone came up to the floor I was on, and stood by the door. I hid in the doors of the elevator, hoping to catch the door as they went in, but alas, the door was never opened. All they did was stick up a JCR election poster before walking off. My hopes and dreams were crushed. I sat there for another 10 minutes before having to run, for I was going to be late to [REDACTED ACADEMIC ACTIVITY]. Sulking, I scurried out the building. Killing people is truly an inconvenience.


[21:41 PM] medusa65 fatally stabs Bruce Four-Scythes(Charlie Griffith)!

[22:58 PM] speculates about penguins...
reports:


me: "wyd if you open ur door and u see this"
peter jackson, MA: "die probably"

Wednesday, 21 February


[16:00 PM] Water Ghost kills a Killer(Sophie Walker)!

[17:39 PM] and The Zoologist sign a shadow contract!
The Zoologist reports:

I have signed a shadow contract against the dastardly criminal Vendetta! I have suggested that we both employ the curious nature of the Bustling Beat Fly, a rare creature found within the sewers below the city of Cambridge. While it often spends its relatively short life in isolation, if multiple flies come together, a remarkable event can occur. The flies will begin to pulse their bodies in synchronisation, producing a hypnotic display of red and blue. Furthermore, the presence of any external sounds, such as music, will influence the rate and intensity of these pulses, as well as causing the flies to 'dance'. Such an effect allows the swarm of Beat flies to hunt effectively, luring small rodents in a manner not unlike that of the anglerfish. However, larger mammals, including humans, are not prey for the Beat flies. Instead, therefore, they can enjoy the show. And, with a few Bug Blades (patent pending) each, one can even make a game of it...


[18:20 PM] 창귀 can't find Quantum killer or orphanage_runaway, but successfully kills Killer's corpse!
창귀 reports:

저주해라, 물악마야! 당신은 더럽고 정보를 남용하는 킬 스틸러입니다. 다음에 만나면 뼈에서 살을 뜯어내겠습니다.


[18:50 PM] Cow Mangler II makes the mistake of killing an innocent... during a society meeting... in front of Water Ghost... who they also illicitly shot... let's just say they're going Wanted!

[19:10 PM] It seems Nero won't be dining on StirFriedNoodle today...

[19:17 PM] Nero slays Gorgon Zola(Kirsti Jones)!
Nero reports:

Elagabale, arma virumque cano et mortem Gorgonis Zolae. my fiddle amongst the flames, i mark the demise of a dynasty and set the stage for your fifth. reminiscere Tiberem et aviam tui. imperator Nero.


[19:36 PM] Phoenix's purging flames destroy the troll who is sick of not having enough room for his milk in the fridge door(Chloe Coles-Smith)!
Phoenix reports:

Any foul Incompetent beasts who wish to learn the arcane art of tiddlywinks had better beware the purging flames of Phoenix...


[20:23 PM] Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all), with the help of BennytheBean, shoots TamilTigr(Shanjeev Mathialagan )!

[20:30 PM] BennytheBean, aided by Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all), murders Exolord (Saqib Ahmed )!

[21:10 PM] BennytheBean and Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) attack CookieMonster but BennytheBean is unable to chase the monster down!

[21:13 PM] Of all the wild creatures of Cambridge, there is none more terrifying than the fearsome Kompsky. proves this by defeating Ashen-Shugar(Thomas Brockett) in a shadow duel!
reports:


[23:57 PM] AKA (Benjamin Syiek) has some words about his encounter with The Zoologist, and the Guild is at last purged of their corruption!
reports:

reports:

The Zoologist reports:

'An Assassins' Guide to the Beasties of Cambridge', Page 3 - A Note of the Most Dangerous of Beasts
While there are many creatures (those held within the following pages of this book) that the assassin should be able identify and treat with the appropriate respect, there are a few creatures for which fleeing is the best course of action. These are often the most lethal and brutal beings that one can find within the city of Cambridge. For instance, the River Dog (Page 13), which grasps at their prey before dragging them beneath the Cam to a watery grave. And of course who could forget the Mooshroom, the milk of which will bend you to the will of them and their fungal hive.
But there is perhaps no more feared creature than that of an Assassin themself. The Assassin is deceptive and cunning - they will often be able to isolate their prey from others in a group using nothing more than vocal sounds, which it can shape into passable human speech. They are also proficient in stalking their intended prey for an extended period of time before they strike, and have been reported as using a variety of different tools and, concerningly, weapons, to achieve this. Most worryingly of all, however, is the fact that the assassin appears, to the casual observer, to be human. This makes them capable of hunting in broad daylight in busy streets, and allows them to manipulate other humans into helping them find their target. And they are truly relentless in this endeavour. Through some as-yet-unknown mechanism, the assassin will choose its target, usually a few at a time, from within Cambridge, even if this is a great distance from their current location. Death is the only thing that will stop this hunt, of the target or the assassin themselves.
For this reason, if an assassin ever reveals themself to you, it is probably already too late...

Thursday, 22 February


[12:00 PM] the irony ironically slays S0meting_W0ng(Daniel Mehr)
the irony reports:

The irony is thick in the air as S0meting_W0ng exhales a relieved 'Oh, finally'; I can almost cut it with the blade that graces S0meting_W0ng's chest. The irony is not lost on me - am I doing S0meting_W0ng a favour? Is death too kind for him?

The irony is that S0meting_W0ng, a man so elusive that I barely know his profession, let alone his appearance, walks so calmly in front of me with a damning cloak over his body. The irony is like oil, coating the masses with invisible light, neither bright nor dim.

The irony is, I do not search for S0meting_W0ng, but for another soul who evades my clutches even now. The irony is an omnipresent drizzle, which soaks all and none to the bone, matching the omnipresent drizzle that falls all around us.

The irony is falling as I wait, a grey shadow standing solemnly, solitary, amidst the sodden crowds.

The irony thins.


[18:28 PM] Blue Fangs seeks to kill Medusa on sacred ground. This brings down the wrath of the umpires. Blue Fangs goes Wanted

[18:36 PM] Trumpington Village Hall tries to find Kitsu-neigh, but flees after attracting suspicion!

Friday, 23 February


[10:55 AM] The Dragon Queen's attempt to find Water Ghost and murder them for cookies ends in failure!
The Dragon Queen reports:

I'd love to say that [REDACTED LECTURE] was at least interesting but I didn't actually pay enough attention to it to be able to tell. I did notice a mention of stoats though.


[15:30 PM] fursealwithaslightlybettergun can't track down Penguinwithagun!

[17:00 PM] Penguinwithagun fails to find BennytheBean

[18:43 PM] Elagabalus can't locate the mysterious Melkor!
Elagabalus reports:

Dearest Nero,

inceptum caedis a deis sinitur si quidem intentio iucunda est. autem alii qui aliis minantur cavere debent.

Yours ever lovingly,
Elagabalus


[19:16 PM] ! MODO DE DUENDE ! fails to find J.K.Rowling's Worst Nightmare, Alcina and orphanage_runaway!

[21:25 PM] Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all), "helped" by BennytheBean, stabs a pluckychicken(Katharine Gill)!