Week 2 News
Sunday, 11 February
[14:15 PM] Ouroboros, Aarakocra , bingledorf and bungledorf form a truce and go hunting together! Multi-fairy-ate differential equations isn't opening their door...
[14:45 PM] After failing to enter [REDACTED COLLEGE], Ouroboros, Aarakocra , bingledorf and bungledorf successfully make it into [DIFFERENT REDACTED COLLEGE] and Aarakocra swoops down and kills bobthebuilder(Mihir Abbineni)!
[15:00 PM] The adventures of Ouroboros, Aarakocra , bingledorf and bungledorf continue! Roadman seems to have doorbell problems this time...
[15:15 PM] The Dragon Queen spots Ouroboros, Aarakocra , bingledorf and bungledorf as they fail to make it through the fortifications of [ANOTHER REDACTED COLLEGE] to reach Aphrodite
If they had only turned left they could have murdered me for bearing... alas, I continue to live.
[15:31 PM] Ouroboros, Aarakocra , bingledorf and bungledorf are turned away by the guards before reaching Smaug!
[16:01 PM] The final stop on Ouroboros, Aarakocra , bingledorf and bungledorf's quest is the college where CookieMonster lurks, but yet again they won't open their door!
[18:55 PM] Herensuge(Becky T) attacks the base of the criminal Vendetta, and is murdered by the adorable Snowy!
"SNOWY! SNOWY! THERE'S A SYNDICATE THUG IN THE BASE!" I yelled in shock toward my large chillet. Snowy turned, his ears pulling backwards as he glared toward the invader, Herensuge.
I raised my handgun and opened fire, my bullets spraying the ground around the undaunted thug.
Snowy, on the other hand, was not so kind. He rushed toward the invader and let out an angry chirp before releasing a wave of dragon energy. The wave was so fierce that Herensuge was torn to shreds. Snowy turned back and started doing his lil ferret walk back toward me. (Imagine that one Furret song is playing.)
"Aww... Snow, you're so cute defending me like that!" I say. "Now, shall we get back to the pancakes we were making?"
I got a chirp of affirmation from the adorable ice ferret dragon.
[19:30 PM] Suspicious Garden Gnome suspiciously slays hedgehog2emperor(Frances Archibald).
Monday, 12 February
[10:58 AM] Roko's Basilisk drives Sthenno(Rebecca Millar) into insanity
Sthenno does not think, therefore she is not.
- René Descartes, probably
[14:41 PM] The Crouching Moron crouches on top of TalkingTomTheCat(Naythan Win Aung) with the help of the litch and hidden girlboss
Tuesday, 13 February
[00:28 AM] Vendetta has some words for Ashen-Shugar
"What? You mean... you mean a GHOST was asking about me?!" I ask my guild member. Hellraiser, my jormuntide ignis, let out a huff of smoke in uncharacteristic surprise as he continued kindling some mammorest meat for his dinner. "Like... Ashen-Shugar?!"
My fellow guild member nodded. "Yes, it appears the ghost was asking around, and supposedly your college husband was one of the people asked."
My eyes widen. "Well either this is an elaborate troll by a college husband who's trying to pull a #sickprank, or someone is REALLY out to get me... it's a shame they didn't ask me, as I gave my location to police for free (author's note: yes, really, check the Discord). I wish them luck in their hunt... I've got to be lucky every time while Ashen-Shugar only must be lucky once. Hopefully, it's as fun for them to try to catch me as it is for me to run away!" *looks at the camera and waves*
[11:50 AM] Roko's Basilisk seeks out Multi-fairy-ate differential equations only to be surprised in turn by their mathematical complexity
[12:36 PM] 14 cygnets, business days tuesday and friday informs Themself(Ruairidh Williams) that today is a business day before striking them down
Sometimes, that which we recognise during the day morphs into the unknown as the darkness descends. Homely haunts are unfamiliar and benevolent spirits sink into vengeful bloodlust. Sometimes, ghouls flicker from their neighbourly groves and assume new guises. But not always.
[13:00 PM] Penguinwithagun fails to find hedgehog2emperor
[15:30 PM] Penguinwithagun also fails to find BennytheBean
[18:55 PM] Ambushing from a bush Last Son (Bilal Fareed) and The The Rouge Rogue catch a big one, avenging The Dark Brotherhood and taking out Vendetta (Benjamin Syiek)! Only one makes it out alive...
"It's not looking good for me..."
*coughs*
"Look after... Snowy... he's a good chillet... and don't give him over to the feds, he's a fugitive in ten countries and they'll put him away for life!"
*coughs blood*
"Oh dear... I'm not usually... on the receiving end... of vengeance..."
[22:24 PM] Suspicious Garden Gnome is suspicious about Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all). Perhaps a bit too suspicious: Suspicious Garden Gnome goes Wanted
[23:36 PM] Vendetta now known as
has an announcement to make reports: Hello, I'm just testing to see if the umpires approved my pseudonym! Do not worry, please shuffle along my fellow nobility. It is I, Duke Raymond Quaza of Ozone City.
Wednesday, 14 February
[13:29 PM] There's no Dragon (these nuts) in Trumpington Village Hall, much to the latter's dismay!
[15:00 PM] Is it good news for Lethal goblin and Pretty little unicorn that they can't find S0meting_W0ng?
Thursday, 15 February
[06:21 AM] Trumpington Village Hall kills Suspicious Garden Gnome(Angelo Smith) in the village hall
It's a lonely job being the central part of a town, though you might not expect it. People come and use you for board meetings, afternoon tea, evening bridge, and yet no one stays and shows true love. Ours is the realm of spirits and shadow, and we preside over justice; Even Mrs Miggins the sheep rustler is not safe. But now, to the crux of the matter. When lonely spirits are left unloved, a new purpose fills our wraithlike forms; vengeance. Suspicious Garden Gnome had committed a crime so foul the news flew from town to town. A cry went up, and from the south we surged, snippets of information whispered by the light-grey winds. Oh, the folly! On our approach we sighted our entrance, the enabler of justice; wraithlike, we passed seamlessly through the open orafice to the perpetrator. The death was quick and just, no excess blood spilt. Our thirst satiated, we withdrew back to our homely lair. Let this be a warning; trespass not on the laws of Trumpington, and no harm shall come to ye.
Beneath my feet, the grass lies dry. A parched land under skies so high.
No blooms to grace the barren ground! Heat scorches, water nowhere found.
The gardeners, negligent in their care, let greenery wither beyond repair.
I ponder theft, their knees or fingers, to teach a lesson that time lingers.
Alas, no toadstools for my stand, fingers too high, a plight so grand!
My gnome sweet gnome, devoid of charm, without those stools, a barren farm.
Beside me stands a gnome so meek, useless, silent, oh, so weak.
Yet, he has weakened the walls for me. Inviting chaos? We shall see.
A monstrous roar! A crash. A boom. Commie plans disrupted in the gloom.
The walls have vanished, my hopes are dashed, by a neoliberal! My garden is thrashed.
But in their grasp, a hose so fine. Salvation flows! A precious shine.
The grass, once dry, now moist and green, a welcome sight, a bloody scene.
[08:20 AM] BennytheBean kills Entropy(Raunaq Foridi)
It was 8am this morning, a morning I had planned to sleep in on. Unfortunately for me, my plans were interrupted by a knocking at the door. I initially ignored it in favour of an uninterrupted slumber, but it seemed I would not be granted such reprieve. Through the peephole of my door, I saw nothing. Immediately suspicious, I grabbed my Weapon - Fenrir's Claws, and prepared for battle. Lo and behold, at the very instant my door was ajar, A Flying Abomination narrowly missed my head - an Attack Cthulhu, I believe. But I was not in the clear - My aggressor was reloading, a secondary weapon in case the first had failed. With great speed, I charged, sinking my claws into their torso, securing my own victory - or so I had thought. Before I had been able to land the hit, unbeknownst to myself, their bullet had firmly eliminated my arm entirely. I had basked in my false victory, certainly proud of my defense. A few courteous exchanges later with their civilian accomplice, we mutually realise - I had made no kill at all, my lame arm unequipped to deal any damage. The battle was still ongoing. With Shame in my heart and my opponent before me, I allowed them One SIngle Chance - A plea for forgiveness in the shape of a free shot. As they readied their gun, I prepared myself, and twisted my body away from the bullet in the blink of an eye. I was safe. Again, I charged, using my able arm to strike, yet again, I was too slow - losing my last arm. All seemed lost for me. With only 3 more bullets left in the chamber, I thought to dodge - perhaps if I could waste these bullets I could find a creative way to save myself, or else secure the counter-attack. The first bullet flew out, streaming past my head in a daringly close miss. The second, a wildshot, a stray that flew nowhere. But with one final round, the last chambered bullet struck true: Piercing my chest, and laying me to rest. My self-assured victory and pride had led to my downfall: Had I simply finished the job, well and true, perhaps I would not have fallen today. And yet my hubris caused my undoing. Maybe I'll have better luck next season, then
[09:00 AM] Roko's Basilisk seeks out Multi-fairy-ate differential equations and MashedPotato but finds neither.
Knowledge is power, and Roko's Basilisk does not appear to have much of either.
- Sir Francis Bacon, probably
[10:00 AM] Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) driven by paranoia illicitly kills The Rouge Rogue(James Lane)
[14:17 PM] Rick Grimes seeks out Smaug but to no avail
[16:15 PM] Penguinwithagun arrives at BennytheBean's abode but fails to find them
[17:29 PM] Capitalism (the scariest monster of them all) offers up MashedPotato(Samuel Mashil) to the umpires thus being absolved on his sins
Friday, 16 February
[00:14 AM] The Zoologist has a lesson in Cambridge fauna for you all...
'An Assassins Guide to the Beasties of Cambridge, Page 18 - The Troll'
The troll is one of the more common beasts that one might find in the streets and parks of central Cambridge. They are often tall and broadly built - a mature troll can grow to as much as seven feet in its prime, although they are more likely to be approximately six feet in height. Trolls take great pride in their physical appearance, and can often be seen lifting heavy loads repeatedly.
The Cambridge troll, unlike many of its counterparts, does not live beneath bridges, but instead dwells in basements, along with Boggarts (Page 92) and Spore Sprites (Page 64), although it is considerably less intelligent than its neighbours. Given the Cambridge troll has been reported to primarily subsist on a diet of dry cereal and beer, it is most commonly found beneath student accommodation, where it leaves its home to scavenge for food erratically, usually while the other occupants of the accommodation are at lectures.
Cambridge trolls have a rather intricate social hierarchy. A college may contain up to 20 trolls - known as a Heap - with a single leader determined by arm-wrestling. This leader will spend much of its day managing the rest of the Heap, which itself is structured into a number of groups. These groups are highly dynamic, and seem to be determined by how much any other troll is currently liked by the leader. The other duties of the leader include enforcing new training regimes, and attracting a mate.
The mating ritual is remarkably simple in design - the Cambridge troll approaches a potential mate and uses a number of guttural phrases. While the troll will attempt this throughout the year, it increases in activity during Michaelmas term, hoping to attract a mate from the influx of new trolls into the area. Unfortunately for the troll, this last endeavour is usually fruitless - no successful mating ritual has thus far been observed.
In all, the Cambridge troll is a remarkable example of how a sub-species can diverge from the ways of its ancestors and forge a new path for itself. Unfortunately, that path is roundly a failure.
- The Zoologist
[09:07 AM] Crouching Moron (Imaan Malik) makes the mistake of leaving their room and is murdered by Haz with help from Rita!
[09:07 AM] Aarakocra discovers that calgami isn't answering their door!
[09:20 AM] hidden girlboss takes out Rita(Hiro Endo) and Haz(Holly Clarke) who were lurking outside their room!
[10:15 AM] infinitetriangle isn't responding to Kitsu-neigh's attempts to track them down...
[14:00 PM] The Dystopiaverse Dragon comes to Cambridge! It, and its arms
and The Dragon Queen, are slain by calgami , Phoenix, 0, theinvigilator and Roko's Basilisk, and goes Corrupt for pushing the limits of The Dragon Queen's sanity too far!"Your Majesty? I have an urgent message."
I was not pleased by the interruption, being fully occupied with the important business of caring for my beautiful Saphyre, but I allowed it; there were too many stories of villains being defeated because they turned away the minions who could have warned them of the certain doom that approached. "Speak it, then."
"A portal has opened to the Lent 2023 world."
I gasped in horror. "Not the Dystopiaverse!"
"The Dystopiaverse," my minion confirmed grimly.
"Has anything come through the portal?"
"There are rumours of a Dystopiaverse Dragon at large."
Oh, dammit. I would actually have to do something about that. I could not even pass the responsibility onto my co-ruler Water Ghost, for he was trapped in important meetings all day, but he could raise the alarm and summon the Guild to my aid. I had to leave at once.
Saphyre and I raced through the streets until we reached the location of the portal. Sure enough, there stood the dread Dystopiaverse Dragon, but it was not alone, because beside it was "Pikachu with guns?" I muttered disbelievingly. No, it was . He had betrayed us for the Dragon! He had to die!
Fortunately I did not fight alone; the brave 0, theinvigilator and calgami stood by my side. The four of us challenged the Dragon and the traitor in the name of purging their evil influence from the Guild. I called on the ancient and powerful magics and advanced fearlessly towards them. My power parted waves of dragonfire that would have slain a mortal in an instant and let me pass harmlessly, even as I shot back deadly fire of my own, but no. It was too much. The Dragon was a match for even my own great power, and eventually my control slipped and a blast of fire hit my leg. It was pain like nothing I had ever known; I could not attack, could not move, could not even think. I could only wait to die.
And yet I did not die: my brave comrades slew the dragon before it could end my life, bringing peaceful assassination back to the Guild, or so we thought.
We watched in horror as the broken corpse of the Dragon reformed itself before our eyes, as its eyes opened and it blinked once, twice, and then spoke in a dread voice of emptiness and horror: "Dragon Queen! The rumours of your legendary power are true, I see. Yet perhaps now you see that I too have power."
I did, perhaps, see that. This thing was going to be a pain to kill for good. I just wanted to get back to playing with Saphyre, it was not fair.
"Together, Dragon Queen, you and I could tear this Guild apart and build it anew. Together, we could do anything we wanted. What say you, Dragon Queen? Will you join the Dystopiaverse?"
I hesitated. I thought of my duty to the Guild, my loyalty to everything it was and represented. I thought of everything I had sacrificed to reach this point, and how it would all be in vain if I threw it away now.
Then I laughed. "Eh, sure, why not?"
And so the two Dragons declared war on the Guild.
As you have clearly deduced, intelligent readers, amongst the many powers of the Dystopiaverse Dragon is the ability to create illusions of incredible realism. You are, I am sure, aware already that I, the Dragon Queen, would not for one second even contemplate such a heinous act of treachery as to betray the very Guild over which I rule.
, on the other hand, is very much a real traitor. For this crime I sentence him to be Corrupt until he is justly slain, and I thank those of the Guild who remained loyal to its founding principles for their service.
reports: Good evening, everyone. It is I, the great Raymond Quaza. Yes, indeed. You see, I was fascinated to see these so-called "Pals" in real life. Who would have thought? Indeed, there was the posh Dragon. I, the great , tipped my top hat to him before this strange Pikachu thing appeared. "pika pika mf," the Pikachu replied. What a strange creature it was; I was not sure I wanted to reply. I turned to the dragon, and to my surprise I saw a great portal behind them. Had they come from the dystopiaverse dimension? How shocking!
The others seemed less phased by these strange creatures. Certainly, Roko's Basilisk and The Dragon Queen did not seem to bothered, and were fighting these creatures in duels casually! How peculiar. Even the chief enforcer, Phoenix, appeared at one point! How shocking! I watched from a distance as the strange Pikachu thing, which was now the arm of the dragon for some reason(???) was eventually slain by a group of intrepid assassins, including some newer arrivals!
What a fascinating event to watch, I must say. I had a good few cups of tea while doing so. The mind goblins that appeared were truly quite magnificent and I expect they will win the assassins game this term. I am happy to share information on them; please, slide into my DMs and ask about mind goblins.
Well, that is all old chap. All the best,
I'll be back!
Maybe the real Dragon was the 'Deez Nuts' jokes made along the way.
[17:20 PM] pluckychicken can't find deadfly or Fyredel!
[22:04 PM] ! MODO DE DUENDE ! can't find Beta 007 or Rita's corpse!