Problem Page

***** Now reopened by order of the former JCR president *****

You are here either because you are miserable or because you enjoy laughing at other people's problems. If you have a problem, e-mail it now to ineedhelp@www.gillandvashka.co.uk If you would like to give advice to any of the troubled people featured on this page, you can write to iknowbest@www.gillandvashka.co.uk

I recently discovered the official Sesame Street website and now I just cant stop tickling the interactive Elmo. I dont know whether I'm addicted to his cute little giggle or whether this is a worrying sign of sexual oppression. Please can you research into this for me and let me know whether I'm the only one who has an Elmo obsession.

aworriedelmotickler!

dear strangeelmotickler
yes you are the only one with an elmo obsession, ed does not have his own elmo and does not like tickling him at all. also gillandvashka think it is quite disturbing. they have looked at the sesame street website and they are not impressed. we think his girly laugh is very spciy and that vashka is quite drunk.

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rambliungs of a desperate man: the following came in lots of different e mails (from tom bethel)

I am contemplating suicide due to not being on the boy page, what should I
do?

I have such a large "ego" I can't fit it in my trousers, can you help?

I am addicted to writing to you email address, any ideas?

can you help me with my homework if I send it in?

I'm running out of things to say, I am in despair

Or if you could just study the equitable remedies of restitutiona and
processes of tracing, I'd be grateful

I think that will do now

Yes, I've definetaly finished

gillandvashka understand. they say: don't worry, this is all perfectly normal.

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Dear gillandvashka.co.uk,

I need to find more time in my life to try and fit in work, rowing and drinking. Any advice?

(Signed) Confused on the Cam.

PS - Why don't I get a mention on your 'boys' page?!

Dear Mr. Confused (who we believe also goes by the name of M. Harbour)

We are familiar with this problem, and have found that the best solution is to drastically cut down on the amount of work you do, leaving more time for rowing and drinking.

gillandvashka

PS - Don't worry about your non-appearance on our boypage. This is perfectly normal. For a better chance of featuring, try posing for us in your dressing gown, wearing a kilt, or with a twin.

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Dear GillandVashka,

My girlfriend is trying to get me to spend more time at night alone with a friend of hers (and mine) who she knows fancies me and might make a move on me. Is she doing this so she can test my loyalty, and so she won't get hurt? More fundamentally, as girls, can you tell me why she's doing this and what is going on in her brain? It's doing me 'ed in.

yours, Mr A. Nony-Mouse

Dear Mr Mouse

Firstly, are you sure that your girlfriend is deliberately doing this - or is it your guilty conscience? Maybe you are attracted to this girl and are reading too much into an innocent attempt by your girlfriend to help you and the other girl to be friends. If however, you are sure that your conscience is clear and you are not in fact wishing that the other girl would "make a move on you" then maybe this is your girlfriend's way of testing your commitment to her. If this is the case, then gillandvashka are not very impressed. Trust is very important in a relationship and if your girlfriend feels the need to "test your loyalty" in such scheming and devious ways, then she's rubbish. basically.

lots of love, gillandvashka

Dear Mr A. Nony-Mouse,

I can't help but feel that your imagination is running away from you here. I could understand that your girlfriend may be testing your loyalties if she felt that this girl was 'competition' in some form, but as this other girl is blatently not(errmm..I can tell by the tone of your email...) I suggest that this whole 'situation' is the expression of your fanciful imagination. On the whole, it suggests that you are sexually repressed, and have a severe complex about social inadequacy. So there.

Best wishes, Ms. IknowbestbecauseI'magirlandsowillalwayswineveryargumentwithyou x x x

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g&v,

I find our JCR President really cute. I've even had his picture as my desktop wallpaper. Is this normal? What should I do? I'm too nervous to speak to him... (is this because I fancy him? - I can't speak to the pizza delivery guys either though). In my hour of need, help me gillandvashka, you're my only hope!

this e mail was sent anonymously, but from the e mail address of Mr. David Boardman.

Dear Dave Anonymous,

Please don't worry about these feelings, they are perfectly normal. Most people go through a similar sort of phase at some time during their teenage years. We are sure you'll grow out of it soon and there is no reason why you shouldn't become a perfectly normal young man very soon. Maybe getting a girlfriend would help.

(the desktop wallpaper, however, is verging on the unacceptable. Why not try gillandvashka wallpaper, available soon!)

yours with empathy, gillandvashka

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dear gillandvashka

I really need lots and lots of help cos I row far too much and it makes me smell and i think the person who lives across from me needs help too! Please help me!

g

g,

This is perfectly normal. You obviously have too much time to reflect on it. gillandvashka suggest that you increase the amount of time you spend rowing.

g&v

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Please help me,

My room mate has a really bad personal hygiene problem...it's really disgusting! I keep spraying him with Lemon air freshener in the hope that he'll get the hint but so far it doesn't seem to have worked...he seems to think its quite normal to only change his pants once a month. I don't know what else to do but the smell is really starting to become unbearable. PLEASE PLEASE HELP!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

gillandvashka are afraid that there is only one solution to this problem - the pants must be changed. As his closest friend, it falls to YOU to remove them. We leave you to decide the best way of doing this, but suggest spraying with acid to dissolve them, or maybe enlisting the help of a friend to distract him while you quickly peel them off.

Best of luck!

Dear GillandVashka

I also live with a guy whose personal hygiene is completely out of proportion - but the other end of the scale. He's a fanatical cleaner! It's like living in a scientific clean room. I have to change my clothes every time I enter or exit the room. It always smells of some noxious cleaning spray. He insists that washing up is done the second the relevant article is finished with and he makes me wipe the toilet seat every hour, on the hour. Surely this is too much! Don't get me wrong here, I do feel strongly about personal hygiene - I think wearing pants for any longer than two days is disgusting - but to take it as far as having to undergo a full shower in industry-strength antibacterial cleaner everytime I want to make a sandwich is crazy. Please, in your wisdom, perhaps you could inform us all of the correct personal hygiene scheme that is neither too lax, nor overly strict.

Thanks.

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Dear gillandvashka,

My girlfriend seems to be completely obsessed with Sean Bean. Every inch of wall in her room is covered in pictures of him, she owns all the Sharpe videos and even her computer is overflowing with his pictures. She says I am more handsome than him, but she doesn't have any pictures of me anywhere. Is she lying to me? Please help, I'm starting to get really really worried!

Riley Hobson-Bence

Dear Mr Bruce,

GillandVashka urge you not worry about the behaviour you have described. It is perfectly normal (Proof: Gill frequently acts in the same way). Of course, it is in fact unlikely that you are anywhere as near as gorgeous as Mr. Bean (although we are sure that you have a lovely personality) and until you accept this, your girlfriend will be forced to lie to you. You mustn't let your girlfriend's fantasies make you feel inadequate (and anyway, he has a wife). May we suggest that, in order to cure her of this obsession, you (repeatedly if necessary) take your girlfriend to see The Lord of the Rings, in which Sean's hair is too long and he looks manky. If this fails, you may have to try dressing up....

Good Luck!

dear gillandvashka

I know you are the most knowledgeable people in the world, but I have to point out a small error in some of your advice. I regret to inform you that Sean bean is in fact divorced, and therefore no longer has a wife as you claimed he did. I realise this minor fact may have just slipped past you unnoticed and by no means wish to discredit you or your site.

Yours faithfully, I'm better than you ner-ner-ner-ner-ner! :Þ

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gillandvashka.co.uk please help me.....

I am going out with the most fussy eater in the world! I don't know what to do ...all she seems to eat is chocolate and white wine! Please could you suggest some useful recipes which she might eat I'm really scared that if she doesn't start eating properly soon she's going to waste away to nothing as she is already as thin as a rake! Please please please please help....I tried Delia Smith but she suggested I contact you as you are so much more knowledgeable about these things.

Yours, Chef with no clothes on!

Dear Chef,

Why don't you look at our cooking page? You can find many delicious recipes there! (or you will be able to soon at least)

Happy cooking!

Well...

I think it's obvious to see that someone knows best. Probably. And in fact this time it's me. It's plain to see that the solution to that problem is to encourage the eating of white wine and chocolate - what could be better?

Yours, ><)))'>

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I recently discovered the official Sesame Street website and now I just cant stop tickling the interactive Elmo. I dont know whether I'm addicted to his cute little giggle or whether this is a worrying sign of sexual oppression. Please can you research into this for me and let me know whether I'm the only one who has an Elmo obsession.

aworriedelmotickler!

dear strangeelmotickler
yes you are the only one with an elmo obsession, ed does not have his own elmo and does not like tickling him at all. also gillandvashka think it is quite disturbing. they have looked at the sesame street website and they are not impressed. we think his girly laugh is very spciy and that vashka is quite drunk.

*********************************

rambliungs of a desperate man: the following came in lots of different e mails

I am contemplating suicide due to not being on the boy page, what should I
do?

I have such a large "ego" I can't fit it in my trousers, can you help?

I am addicted to writing to you email address, any ideas?

can you help me with my homework if I send it in?

I'm running out of things to say, I am in despair

Or if you could just study the equitable remedies of restitutiona and
processes of tracing, I'd be grateful

I think that will do now

Yes, I've definetaly finished

gillandvashka understand. they say: don't worry, this is all perfectly normal.