Episode IV: A New Spon

A long time ago, in a galaxy not too far from here, a group of brave rebels created a comedy show that would be looked upon for decades as one of the greatest ever. That show was the Goon Show, and it was broadcast on BBC radio in the 1950s to much public joy. Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe, and Peter Sellers have all since become widely-known for other projects, but it was the Goon Show where their strange, zany and often downright bizarre sense of humour found its expression. Here, then, is a tribute to the Goon Show in the form of a Star Wars parody - a leap of illogic of which I'm sure Spike, Peter and Harry would approve.

=========== GOON WARS ============ EPISODE IV: A NEW SPON ================================== GREENSLADE: This is the BBC World Service... unfortunately. NEDDIE SPACEGOON: Why, if it isn't Wallace Greenslade dressed in a cardboard cutout of a fat man in flannel! GREENSLADE: That is the esteemed George Lucas, Mr. Spacegoon. Now, if you would be so kind as to put on that dress and stick those cinnamon buns in your ears, we can begin. A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away... Cue Max Geldray playing the Star Wars theme NEDDIE: Welcome to the highly esteemed Goon Wars! GREENSLADE: It is a time of civil war. Rebel ships, striking from their hidden base somewhere in East Finchley, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Atomic Dustbin, an armored waste disposal device with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Ned Spacegoon races home aboard his starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save his people and restore freedom to the galaxy... INT spaceship corridor. E-CP0 and R2-BLUE2 are staggering down the corridor E-CP0 (ECCLES): Did you hear that? Audience applause and laughter R2-BLUE2 (BLUEBOTTLE): Hear what, E-CP0? I didn't hear nothing. Waits for audience applause. Not a sausage. An explosion shakes the ship R2-BLUE2: Hey! I don't like this game. NEDDIE SPACEGOON: R2-Blue2! Ying-tong-iddle-i-po! R2-BLUE2: Yes, my capitain? E-CP0 (to himself): There won't be no escape for the Captain this time. NEDDIE: Take these plans down to the planet of Tatooine. There they will be safe from my arch-nemesis, Darth Bloodnok, who needs to be explained to the listeners. E-CP0: There won't be no escape for the Captain this time. NEDDIE: Shut up E-CP0. E-CP0: Shut up E-CP0. NEDDIE: Will you take these plans for me, R2-Blue2? R2-BLUE2: How shall I take them, my capitain? NEDDIE: Twice a day with a glass of water. He roars with laughter, then stops when he realises that no one else is laughing. There is an awkward pause. GREENSLADE: He's very good, you know. R2-BLUE2: What is this Tatooine like, my capitain? NEDDIE: It's... very sandy. Like a very big beach. R2-BLUE: Oooh! I like the beach. I'll get my bathing costume and my water wings. Thinks... why would a little robot like me need water wings? I can't even fly, heehee. The sound of marching boots is heard, in the distance but coming closer. NEDDIE: Quickly! I hear a recording of Darth Bloodnok's stormtroopers approaching. Into the escape pod! R2-BLUE2: Yes, my capitain! NEDDIE runs off. R2-BLUE2 and E-CP0 get into the pod. There is a moment's silence. R2-BLUE2: E-CP0? E-CP0: Yes? R2-BLUE2: How do we make this thing work? E-CP0: I don't know. Maybe if I press this button... R2-BLUE2: Wait! That big red button looks dangerous. How do you know that it will not make something horrible go kaboom, thereby deading me as it has done so many times before? E-CP0: I don't. R2-BLUE2: Thinks... I am the hero now. I cannot possibly be deaded in the first scene, or the Rebels will never get the plans. Strikes heroic pose, as done by Warrick Davis in Return of the Jedi. Remembers he's stuck in this silly cardboard robot suit with rubber screwdriver attachment. E-CP0 - be pressing the button, my good droid. E-CP0: OK, your good droid. There is clunk, followed by a loud whooshing sound. R2-BLUE2 (receding rapidly): You rotten swine, you! INT rebel spaceship. GREENSLADE: Meanwhile, Darth Bloodnok, the servant of the evil Empire, is interrogating the Rebel commander. Recorded sound of crowd booing. BLOODNOK: Silence! Breathes heavily. Oh, my asthma. Now... where are those transmissions you intercepted? What have you done with those plans? COMMANDER COBBER: I don't know nothin about no transmissions, mate. This is a consular ship. We're on a diplomatic mission, mate. Don't suppose you've got any diplomats? BLOODNOK: No, I've given them up. Aha! If this is a consular ship, where is the consule? GREENSLADE: Astute listeners will realise, of course, that there is no 'consule' on this ship. There is only Ned Spacegoon, Lance-apprentice Consule of the Fifth Rebel Deserters' Legion. Astute listeners will also have realised from the strained tone in Darth Bloodnok's military braces, that he has lifted Commander Cobber off the floor by his throat. He has a wooden throat, you know. BLOODNOK: Commander... heavy breathing... tear this ship apart until you find my inhaler. And those plans. And bring me Spacegoon, I want him alive... heavy breathing... or as close as you can manage. GREENSLADE: Well, listeners, we can't bring you Ned Spacegoon. But we can bring you the Cantina Harmonica Song, by Max G'eldray and the Nodal Modes... END OF PART ONE COMING SOON IN PART TWO... HAN GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: I am Han Grytpype-Thynne, and this is my first mate, Count Jim "Chewbacca" Moriarty, four-times winner of the annual 'Hairiest Human in the Outer Rim' contest and champion tobacco spitter. Spitting sound MORIARTY: Where are my teeth? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: I hear you are looking for passage to the Acton system. OBI-HENRY KRUNOBI: That's right... if it's a fast ship. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: You've never heard of the Century Dodo? OBI-HENRY: I don't think so... hmm... I can't remember. GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: It's the fastest ship between the Outer Inner Rim and the Inner Outer Rim. It made the Kessel Run in less than twelve... MORIARTY: Parsecs? GRYTPYPE-THYNNE: Moriarty. Such language. GREENSLADE: The BBC won't stand for it. MORIARTY: They can sit down, then.