Miscellaneous Stuff

For those of you unaware of the existence of Not the Nine O' Clock News (the show most of these songs come from), this satirical comedy sketch show was shown in Britain on BBC in 1980s. It was the first program to take British comedy forward since Monty Python's Flying Circus. Mixing stock footage with irreverant voice-overs, topical sketches and parodies of the pop songs of the day, NTNON is still very funny. A few of the songs from the show are below - if anyone has the lyrics to their other masterworks, such as the cunningly titled "Kinda Lingers" (say it quickly), please email me.

The Gasman Cometh by Flanders and Swann	Gob on You from Not the Nine O' Clock News
I Like Bouncing from Not the Nine O' Clock News	I Like Trucking from Not the Nine O' Clock News
Oswald Mosely from Not the Nine O' Clock News	Phantom Medley by Mark Jonathan Davis
Star Trekkin' by the Firm	Star Wars Cantina by Mark Jonathan Davis
Super Duper from Not the Nine O' Clock News	Wet and Lonely from Not the Nine O' Clock News
Nice Video (Shame About the Song) from Not the Nine O' Clock News	Right, Said Freud from Forty Nights in the Wildebeest

The Gasman Cometh

A classic song from those giants of British musical hall, the double act responsible for the Hippo Song... Flanders and Swann.

'Twas on the Monday morning, the gasman came to call.
The gas tap wouldn't turn - I wasn't getting gas at all.
He tore out all the skirting boards to try and find the main,
And I had to call a carpenter to put them back again.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do.

'Twas on the Tuesday morning, the carpenter came round.
He hammered, and he chiselled, and he said "Look what I've found:
Your joists are full of dry rot, but I'll put them all to rights".
Then he nailed right through a cable, and out went all the lights.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do.

'Twas on the Wednesday morning the electrician came.
He called me 'Mister Sanderson', which isn't quite my name.
He couldn't reach the fuse box without standing on the bin,
And his foot went through a window, so I called the glazier in.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do.

'Twas on the Thursday morning the Glazier came round,
With his blowtorch and his putty and his merry glazier sound.
He put another pane in - it took no time at all -
But I had to get a painter in to come and paint the wall.
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do.

'Twas on the Friday morning the painter made a start.
With undercoats, and overcoats, he painted every part,
Every nook and cranny, but I found when he was gone,
He'd painted over the gas tap, and I couldn't turn it on!
Oh, it all makes work for the working man to do.

On Saturday and Sunday they do no work at all,
So 'twas on the Monday morning that the gasman came to call.

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Gob on You

This brilliant song was performed by Mel Smith (an overweight British comedian, ageing now and not exactly in his prime of life in the 1980s), dressed in a leather jacket, wearing studs and earrings. It was a parody of the emerging punk rock craze, with its anti-establishment, hate-filled lyrics, and very accurate one.

I live on the fourteenth floor,
Of a tower block, and when I get bored,
I call coo-ee to the passers by,
And when they look up, I gob in their eye.

Gob on yeh,
'Cause I hate your guts!
Gob on yeh,
Kick you in the nuts!
Gob on yeh,
You're a stupid old git!
Gob on yeh,
'Cause you're full of shit!

I go out west every night,
Go down to the pub and look for a fight.
I have ten lagers, then I have ten more,
Then I jump up and down, and I'm sick on the floor.

Gob on yeh,
'Cause your hands are cold!
Gob on yeh,
'Cause you're far too old!
Gob on yeh,
'Cause you're a stupid old straight!
Gob! Gob! Gob! Gob! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!

Sex is boring, pain is fun,
I wanna cut my fingers off, one by one,
There ain't no point in staying alive,
I wanna be dead when I'm 25.

Gob on yeh,
'Cause your hair's too long!
Gob on yeh,
'Cause you're never wrong!
Gob on yeh,
In your Oxbridge coat!
Gob on yeh,
You're the National Front!

Gob on yeh,
'Cause you're well-insured!
Gob on yeh,
'Cause I'm young and bored!
Gob on yeh,
'Cause you talk about art!
Gob on yeh,
'Cause you're boring old fart!

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I Like Bouncing

I think the title speaks for itself, really :)

I like bouncing, boing, boing, boing,
Up and down until I get a pain in my groin.
Try to be happy, and when it really counts,
Turn into a rubber ball and bounce, bounce, bounce.

Bouncing down the club with this bird named Dennis,
I said to her in passing I was pretty good tennis,
She looked me up and down and said, "It doesn't need announcing,
Judging by the way your balls are bouncing!"

I like bouncing, boing, boing, boing,
Up and down until I get a pain in my groin.
Try to be happy, and when it really counts,
Turn into a rubber ball and bounce, bounce, bounce.

I get up in the morning and I bounce around the bed,
If my mum comes in to wake me up, I bounce on her instead.
When I'm in the bathroom, I bounce around the bath,
But you wanna try to shit and bounce, that's really quite a laugh!

I like bouncing, boing, boing, boing,
Up and down until I've got a pain in my groin.
Try to be happy, and when it really counts,
Turn into a rubber ball and bounce, bounce, bounce.

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I Like Trucking

The video from this song caused absolute outrage when it was first broadcast, because it featured footage of Princess Anne driving a large lorry, interspersed with hedgehogs being crushed under the wheels. The BBC received piles of letters complaining about this, although I'm not sure whether the majority of the righteous indignation came from animal-rights activists complaining about anti-hedgehog violence, or old women moaning about a lack of respect for the royal family. The following apology was aired at the beginning of the following show:
"The BBC... would like to point out that the hedgehog used was in fact a stuffed hedgehog, and we feel we've probably exhibit less cruelty to hedgehogs per se than whoever it is who goes around stuffing them in the first place."

I like trucking, I like trucking,
I like trucking and I like to truck.
I like trucking, I like trucking,
If you don't like trucking, tough luck.

On the road, you must be brave and tireless,
On the road, you can listen to the wireless,
On the road, you eat café food with pride,
You can throw it up outside.

The greatest kick in trucking comes from knocking down a biker,
Or swinging round a roundabout and picking up a hiker,
You're chatting up that piece of skirt who's sitting by your side,
Then pop the crucial question - a ride for a ride?

I like trucking, I like trucking,
I like trucking and I like to truck.
I like trucking, I like trucking,
If you don't like trucking, tough luck.

Perhaps the greatest laugh of all, that makes this life worthwhile,
Is waving on the car behind, giving him a smile,
With glasses and with gratitude, he revs his little load,
And meets another trucking truck, a-trucking down the road.

On the road, you must be tough and ruthless,
And the rumours that we're gay are truthless,
On the road, you can wear your shirtsleeves rolled,
You eat chocolate when it's cold.

From behind, we like to sneak up on you from behind,
Never mind, if you hit 'em never mind.

We like trucking, we like trucking,
We like trucking and we like to truck.
We like trucking, we like trucking,
If you don't like trucking, tough luck.

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Oswald Mosely

This song requires a little more explanation that the others. The video features the cast of NTNON dressed as a punk band similar to some of those that appeared in the late 70s and early 80s, who sang songs in support of fascist organisations and figures such as Adolf Hitler. The background was provided by a montage of images of fascist rallies. The song was written in 1980 after the death of Sir Oswald Mosely, a British politician who founded the British Union of Fascists. Despite being anti-semitic, and a great admirer of the Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, on Mosely's death, the newspapers in Britain were full of obituaries praising him as a fine speaker who stood up for the rights of 'the common man'. This is NTNON's satirical jibe at this kind of revisionism.

They didn't understand 'im,
Some people called him mad,
But any friend of Hitler's,
Can't have been all bad.

Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosely,
Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosely.

He was popular and handsome as Richard Burton,
'Cause I saw him on the box once, with his black shirt on.
And though I cannot claim to be any great authority,
As far as I'm concerned the sun shone out of his oratory.

He would've been a great dictator,
Given half a chance,
But they treated him like a traitor,
So he went to live in France.

Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosely,
Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosely.

When they heard he was dead,
This is what the papers all said:

"Genuinely eager to champion of the unemployed and other underdogs. Dynamic and handsome; popular, gifted and a natural leader."
"A brilliant man in the Commons, compassionate and humane, a man of genuine courage, and inspiring leadership."
"Thought to have been the most handsome and gifted British political leader of the 20th century. A brilliant debater; gifted, lucid and compassionate."

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The Phantom Medley

OH SUSANNA
Well, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away-a,
This guy in black was on the track of the rebels led by Leia.
Hey, Luke Skywalker,
They fried your uncle and aunt,
So he left Tatooine with a light sabre in his pants.

ALOUETTE
You can bet I,
Want to be a Jedi,
There is no try,
Only do.

ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT
Use, use, use the force,
Trust me, Luke, it's neato,
Listen to Ben,
He'll tell you when,
To launch your torpedo.

THE CAISSONS GO MARCHING ALONG
It's a ship,
That is flown,
By that Indiana Jones,
And the Falcon goes flying along.

RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES
He is Darth Vader,
He's a Jedi hater,
He dies much later,
In episode six.

ON TOP OF OLD SMOKEY
Obi-Wan Kenobi,
All covered in brown,
He may cut your arm off,
If you screw around.

LA BAMBA
Ba-da-la-da-da-la Boba,
He's the bounty hunter after Han,
Under that armor, he's got nothing on.

POP GOES THE WEASEL
I love the Star Wars movies,
A trio without equal,
And now it's time for Episode One,
Pop goes the prequel.

LA CUCARACHA
The Phantom Menace, the Phantom Menace,
Who're ya gonna see it with?
Share a Cola with Sebulba,
Or have some popcorn with the Sith.

JINGLE BELLS
Jar-Jar Binks,
Jar-Jar Binks,
His floppy ears are giant,
They rendered 'im,
With a Pentium,
Let's hope he's Y2K compliant.

CAMPTOWN RACES
Watch pod races in the heat,
Ka-boom, ka-boom,
Anakin needs a booster seat,
Oh the Tatooine day.

SHE'LL BE COMIN' ROUND THE MOUNTAIN
They'll be flyin' round Naboo when they come,
They'll be fightin' battle droids of the Federation,
Hey those light sabres,
Sound just like electric razors,
They'll be flyin' 'round Naboo when they--

COME ALL YE FAITHFUL
Come all ye forceful,
To the THX theatre.

HALLELUJAH
Queen Amidala,
Amidala, Amidala,
She's a hot tamale,
Natalie, marry me!

HAVA NAGILA
The saga,
Starts with Obi-
Wan Kenobi,
And Qui Gon-Jinn.

Those guys,
Were Jedis,
With light sabres,
And hair extensions.

Anakin's a little boy,
But someday, he will destroy,
The Jedi knights,
In galactic fights,
With ships and battle droids.

He knew,
R2,
D2 on Naboo.

Luke and Leia, Ben and Yoda,
Jabba, Chewie, Han and Boba,
Ewoks, Jawas, and the Gungans,
And that guy from Pulp Fiction.

Ships attacking, creatures biting,
And Darth Maul was Kung Fu fighting,
Good and evil, fate and mystery,
And the coolest toys in retail history,
Episode One...

Shut up, the movie has begun.

SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT, TWO PENCE
That's the Phantom Medley,
The End.

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Star Trekkin'

From British band the Firm, comes probably the greatest Star Trek song ever - certainly better than 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins' or William Shatner's rendition of 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds'. For all you pedants out there, I know that the section I've claimed is sung by Uhura sounds nothing like her. Well, in the video her verse is sung by someone obviously meant to be Uhura, and the voice-over clearly says "Lt. Uhura - report." So what if the lines sound more like something Chekhov would have said - maybe it's Chekhov in drag.

CHORUS:
Star Trekkin', across the Universe,
On the starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk,
Star Trekkin', across the Universe,
Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse (and things are getting worse).

Lt. Uhura - report.
UHURA:
There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow,
There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim (scrape 'em off, Jim!).

Analysis, Mr. Spock.
SPOCK:
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it,
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it, not as we know it Captain.

Medical update, Dr. McCoy.
MCCOY:
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim,
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead.

Starship captain James T Kirk.
KIRK:
We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill,
We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men (Scotty, beam me up).

Engine room - Mr. Scott.
SCOTTY:
Ye canna change the laws of physics, laws of physics, laws of physics,
Ye canna change the laws of physics, laws of physics, Jim.

SCOTTY: Ye canna change the script, Jim. Ach, see you Jimmie!
MCCOY: It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim.
KIRK: Bridge to engine room, warp factor nine!
SCOTTY: Ach! If I give 'er any more she'll blow, Captain!

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Star Wars Cantina

Parody of "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow

SPOKEN: Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Her name was Leia,
She was a princess,
With a danish on each ear,
And Darth Vader drawing near.
So R2-D2,
Found Ben Kenobi,
He'd have to put the Death Star plans,
Into the rebellion's hands.
So Luke and Obi-Wan,
Had to get to Alderaan,
So they stopped into Mos Eisley to have a drink with Han.

At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina,
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a,
Here at the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina,
Music and blasters,
And old Jedi masters,
At the Star Wars...

His name was Solo,
He was a pilot,
With a blaster at his side,
And a smile 12 parsecs wide.
There with Chewbacca,
He was a Wookie.
They met with Luke and Obi-Wan,
About the Millenium Falcon.
Docking bay ninety-four,
Stormtroopers at the door,
With a flash of Ben's light-saber, now there's an arm on the floor.

SPOKEN: Mos Eisley spaceport... you will never find the more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina,
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a,
Here at the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina,
Music and blasters,
And old Jedi masters,
At the Star Wars...

His name was Yoda,
He was a muppet.
Darth Vader was so bad,
And by the way, he's Luke's dad.
Luke kissed his sister,
His hand got cut off.
In that galaxy far, far away,
Luke has had a lousy day.
Boba Fett was so mean,
Jabba had bad hygiene,
Why didn't they all just relax back on Tatooine?

At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina,
The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a,
Here at the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina,
Music and blasters,
And old Jedi masters,
At the Star Wars...

SPOKEN: The force will be with you...always.

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Super Duper

Alas, another song that's not half as good without the video. The title is a parody of Abba's famous song 'Super Trooper', and the video featured the same weird special effects (such as the band's heads coming into shot from all 4 sides of the screen) that were used in the video for Abba's 'Knowing Me, Knowing You'. As they said... nice video, shame about the song.

Super duper, super duper, super duper, super...

One of us is ugly, one of us is cute,
One of us you'd like to see in her birthday suit,
Two of us write music, two are where has gone,
Sorry in translation, that line come out wrong.

But still super duper, super duper,
That we're number one again,
Singing super duper duper,
Makes a super duper refrain.

We believe that if you have three tunes in a song,
And a showbiz cliché nothing can go wrong.
The world is just a great big stage, each man plays his part,
In this concrete jungle, the sleeve is on the heart.

On the beaches we'll go swimming in the nude,
Oh, how I wish now and then that we could say something rude.
Breast and bottom, tongue, and inner thigh,
Heaving bellies come up from behind.

But still super duper, it's more super duper,
Than we would have thought,
With this super duper duper,
Make it super duper short.

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Wet and Lonely

Parodying a popular song style of the time, the soppy romantic ballad, the most interesting thing about this song is that it was sung by possibly the most famous member of the NTNON team, Rowan Atkinson. Better known for being Mr. Bean, the Man with the Rubber Face has practically no appreciable singing talent, but that only adds to the fun.

The ponderous pouding of the piano,
Is like the pounding in my heart,
And even though the verse has just begun,
It's time for the chorus to start.

Because I'm wet and lonely,
Standing in the rain,
And I'm blubbing my eyes out,
Rubbing your thighs out,
Of my mind.
But they came back again.

I'm ready to try again, baby, with you,
Though twice in a night's more than I usually can do.
When you're around, magic fills the air,
And when you go, I'm plunged into despair.
Despair! Dis pair of hands is all I've got to give,
Say, girl, ain't that funny.
And you, you're the only reason that I've got to live,
There's only you, girl, and of course, money.

La la la la, pancake,
La la la la, pain,
La la la la, heartache,
La la, pancakes again.

Because I'm wet and lonely,
Waiting lonelily,
In the loneliness that is your lonely door,
Alone with the lonely fool that is me.
And you, there's nothing, girl, we couldn't do,
Just you, together with me,
And the man in the attic makes three,
That's me.

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Nice Video (Shame About the Song)

Allegedly by hit band L.U.F.T.H.A.N.S.A. T.E.R.M.I.N.A.L., the song really works better with the video, as the title suggests.

Let's spend our honeymoon in East Berlin
And though like lemmings, we will never swim
The devil's lunar craft makes waves in time
My Asian brother says, "Spare me a dime"

Nice video, shame about the song
Nice video, shame about the song

Subconscious prejudice - a way of life
'cause all the citizens of sin are rife
Our friends are castaways - the ship went down
The storm clouds gather in and statesmen drown

Nice video, shame about the song
Nice video, shame about the song

By the river of blood, the children cry
Their evil's ruined by an alibi
The cruel sea, oh the heartless Earth
Oh, this must mean something to me

Nice video, shame about the song (repeat to end)

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Right, Said Freud

A parody of the song 'Right Said Fred' (made famous by Bernard Cribbins). From the BBC radio show Forty Nights in the Wildebeest, by Dan Freedman and Nick Romero.

"Right," said Freud, "Tell me about your mother."
Up comes mother from the id below.
"I don't like your analysis,
Everything is phalluses."
We said, "That is rubbish,"
And so we smoked a long cigar.

"Right," said Freud, "someone shout Carl Gustav."
Up comes Jung from the therapy session below.
He tried to astonish us
With the collective uncon-ish-ous.
We was getting nowhere,
And so we erected a towering chimney.

Jung had a think and he thought we ought
To chop off all the candles.
"They represent men's man-handles."
Freud expressed his consternation
At this symbol of castration.

"Alright," said Freud, "let's talk about symbolics."
"You're doing that," said Jung, "but I don't hear any 'sym'."
Freud said, "You're neurotic,
You're a w—er, auto-erotic."
We was getting nowhere,
And so we drove a train with pistons pumping into a long dark tunnel.

Adler had a think, and he thought that Freud
Should calm down his libido.
Freud fired a big torpedo
And said, "the reason you are pained,
Is you were too harshly potty-trained."

"Right," said Freud, "come and get it if you think you're hard enough."
"I'm hard enough," said Adler,
"I told you so!" said Freud.
A full-scale punch-up,
Breuer brought his lunch up,
And someone said that Freud was a 'puff'.
It ended in a ruckus,
And Freud said, "You bunch of motherf—"
And then we went home.

I said to Carl Gustav Jung, "We'll just have to leave it standing, thrusting up into the devouring mother sky, that's all. See, the trouble with Freud is, that he's too phallic. You'll never get anywhere if you're too phallic. Oo-er missus."

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