My Parodies

The lyrics to these songs are all © Tim Kelby 2002-2005. The tunes are the property of their respective creators.

Angels (NGE Version)	Parody of "Angels" by Robbie Williams
Bad Guys Get Iraq	Parody of "Nice Guys Finish Last" by Green Day
Battle Hymn of Microsoft	Parody of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"
Black Riders in the Sky	Parody of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" by Stan Jones
Dubya and the Brain	Parody of the theme from Pinky the Brain
He's Got Bombs	Parody of "She's Got Issues" by The Offspring
Hotel of the Healers	Parody of "Hotel California" by The Eagles
I Believe (2004 Election Remix)	Update of "I Believe" from Not the Nine O' Clock News
I Don't Like Windows	Parody of "I Don't Like Mondays" by the Boomtown Rats
Italy	Parody of "TNT" by AC/DC
New Enterprise Theme	Parody of the Enterprise theme ("Faith of the Heart") by Diane Warren
Please Don't Vote For Arnie	Parody of "Don't Look Back in Anger" by Oasis
Pretty Stupid for a White Guy	Parody of "Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)" by the Offspring
Streets of Middle Earth	Parody of "Streets of London" by Ralph McTell
Super-US-Made-Ballistic-Missiles-are-Atrocious	Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman (performed by Julie Andrews, Dick van Dyke and others)
What a Wonderful World (Yoda Version)	Parody of "What a Wonderful World" by George David Weiss & Bob Thiele (performed by Louis Armstrong)

Click on the green musical note icons beside each title to hear that song.

Angels

Parody of "Angels" by Robbie Williams

This is a parody for all the fans of Neon Genesis Evangelion, that archetypal Japanese big-robots-and-prepubescent-girls-in-short-skirts animé. It celebrates the weird life of possibly the most angst-ridden character in this particularly angstful series, Ikari Shinji. For those of you who don't know NGE, there's a quick plot summary over the bridge before the final chorus :)

I sit and wait,
For an Angel to attack this place;
And do they know,
The places where we go,
To evacuate?
Perhaps it's too late.
I've got too much animé angst and hate.
So when I'm lying in my bed,
Thoughts running through my head,
And I wish that I were dead,
I'm hating Angels instead...

CHORUS:
And through it all,
The human race in danger,
And things are getting stranger,
Maybe I'm going mad.
I have to kill them all,
They're trying to destroy me;
And the people who employ me
Are led by my mysterious dad.
They all annoy me,
But I'm hating Angels instead.

Now I'm all confused,
And my brain feels like it's all been fused.
The plot has gone,
Even the writers don't know what's going on.
My head is in a whirl,
There's a giant naked girl;
Everyone is dead,
So I'm hating Angels instead.

FINAL CHORUS:
Zankoku na tenshi no youni,
Shounen yo shinwa ni nare.
Aoi kaze ga ima,
Mune no door wa tataite mo
Watashi dake wo tada mitsumete,
Hohoenderu anata.

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Bad Guys Get Iraq

Parody of "Nice Guys Finish Last" by Green Day

The American democratic ideal is a fine thing. When considering their strategy of "regime change," their forethought stretched so far, that they were working out who they were going to appoint as Senator for the state of Iraq once Saddam was ousted, Iraq was free, and the US airforce had received its first delivery of flying pigs. The list of candidates was, frankly, frightening - most of the prospective leaders of the Iraqi nation were either crazed madmen with a history of genocide, or, in the case of General Tommy Franks... well, crazed madmen with a history of genocide. Of course, the US has a proud history of such choices. The Reagan administration was not overly concerned about the use of poison gas during the Halabja massacre, for a start. And then there was the little matter of that mustachioed megalomaniac that the State Department so enthusiastically supported during the Iran-Iraq war. Whatever happened to him, anyway?

Once Saddam is gone,
We’re gonna need someone,
To run the country that he left behind.
We need someone who knows,
How US thinking goes,
Who’ll bomb and kill and slaughter all his foes.
 
Burn their houses, loot their towns,
And gas them all to death,
Sign your name upon the dotted line,
Doesn’t matter what you do,
As long as you obey,
Remember that and we’ll get on just fine.
Oh, bad guys get Iraq,
Their reputation’s black,
But they’ll take all of the flak, so that’s OK.
 
Can we see your CV?
It looks OK to me,
But there’s a queue, you’ll have to get in line.
Your chances look quite slim,
You’re right behind Stalin,
And Adolf Hitler’s got most votes so far…

Burn their houses, loot their towns,
And gas them all to death,
Sign your name upon the dotted line,
Doesn’t matter what you do,
As long as you obey,
Remember that and we’ll get on just fine.
Oh, bad guys get Iraq,
Their reputation’s black,
But they’ll take all of the flak, so that’s OK,
Oh, bad guys get Iraq,
Their reputation’s black,
But they’ll take all of the flak, so that’s OK.

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Battle Hymn of Microsoft

Parody of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

Mine eyes have seen the fatal OE on the dread blue screen,
And I’ve read the error message, but I don’t know what it means,
I’ve seen so many page code faults it makes me want to scream,
But Bill Gates marches on.

Glory, glory Windows XP! Glory, glory Windows XP!
Glory, glory Windows XP! And Bill Gates marches on.

I’ve seen the anti-trust lawsuit brought by the DoJ,
I have seen them boldly fighting Microsoft day after day,
I’ve seen them bravely drop the case and quietly sidle away,
While Bill Gates marches on.

Glory, glory Windows XP! Glory, glory Windows XP!
Glory, glory Windows XP! And Bill Gates marches on.

Bill Gates could pay the third world debt and still be in the black,
And his software’s full of bugs and faults, it’s so easy to hack,
But I can’t afford to go out and buy a Mac,
So Bill Gates marches on.

Glory, glory Windows XP! Glory, glory Windows XP!
Glory, glory Windows XP! And Bill Gates marches on.

That irritating paperclip just makes me want to cry,
And the folded paper cat deserves a good poke in the eye,
And if you keep your Windows PC running it will d…
<ERROR: A fatal exception OE has occurred in module song.exe>

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Black Riders in the Sky

Parody of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" by Stan Jones

It seems such an obvious idea for a parody, but it wasn't until I happened to hear someone else parodying this song that I realised that the title was just waiting to be turned into a tribute to the Nazgûl from the Lord of the Rings.

An army marched to battle on a dark and windy day,
They razed the city of Osgiliath along the way.
They reached the field of Pelennor, and in the sky they saw
Nine riders wearing midnight black, a-hankerin’ for war.
Yippie-ai-ay, yippie-ai-oh, black riders in the sky.

Their cloaks were black, their swords were steel, the riders, they were brave,
Their steeds looked like they’d spent the night upside down in a cave,
A bolt of fear went through the hearts of warriors true and keen,
Followed quickly by a claw that went right through their spleen.
Yippie-ai-ay, yippie-ai-oh, black riders in the sky.

The Nazgûl-Lord was gloating over Theoden, of course:
"You stupid King, you should have ridden on a lighter horse."
No living man could hinder him, it seems a bit unfair,
The warrior he picked on first was the only woman there.
Yippie-ai-ay, yippie-ai-oh, black riders in the sky.

Now Gollum bit off Frodo’s finger, right inside Mount Doom;
The One Ring and the Dark Lord’s mighty power both went ‘foom’.
The Nazgûl were defeated, and from the sky they dropped,
So they couldn’t stop the eagles from tying up the plot.
Yippie-ai-ay, yippie-ai-oh, black riders in the sky.

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Dubya and the Brain

Parody of the theme from Pinky and the Brain

For those of you who've never seen Pinky and the Brain, it's a cartoon about two laboratory mice - the highly intelligent "Brain," who constantly plots to take over the world, and his dimwitted cage-mate, Pinky. As well as "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" the show's other famous catchphrase was repeated at the beginning of each episode. Pinky would ask, "Gee, Brain - what are we going to do tonight?" The Brain would always reply, "The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world." For some reason, that reminded me of George Bush. Obviously, he's Pinky, but who's the Brain? Rumsfeld? Wolfowitz? Karl Rove? Take your pick.

They’re Dubya and the Brain,
They’re Dubya and the Brain;
One’s the advisor, the other’s insane.
One’s a rightwing hawk, and one can barely talk.
They’re Dubya,
They’re Dubya and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.

Before election day,
Their plan will be unfurled;
To make sure crime does pay,
They’ll take over the world.

They’re Dubya and the Brain,
Yes, Dubya and the Brain;
Their military campaign, is easy to explain.
To get their money’s worth, they’ll overthrow the Earth.
They’re Dubya,
They’re Dubya and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...

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He's Got Bombs

Parody of "She's Got Issues" by The Offspring

This song was written before the Iraq war - unfortunately, my prediction that Saddam would be "his next victim" turned out to be both true and untrue. Actually, the civilian population of Iraq became the victims, and Saddam hid in a hole throughout the whole thing. BTW, for all of you who don't know the original song, it really does go "whoo! whowah!". Seriously.

We all know Dubya Bush just might be out of his mind,
Sees enemies everywhere, and they're all of the terrorist kind,
He talks about the 'axis of evil', every time he speaks,
And we're all getting sick of it, he's been going on for weeks.
 
And I say yeah, yeah,
Oh man, he's got bombs, and we're all gonna pay,
Yeah, yeah,
Saddam's his next victim, yeah...
 
Now I know he feels abandoned, cause Europe won't cooperate,
And I know he thinks Britain's becoming the US's 51st state.
 
And I say yeah, yeah,
Oh man, he's got bombs, and we're all gonna pay,
Yeah, yeah,
Who's next victim, oh who is it going to be?
 
Know why your country's messed up?
'Cause it's run by a redneck Texan hick,
Who thinks he can do anything,
Because he's got the biggest stick.
 
He talks about terrorists non-stop, it's really quite sad,
And he thinks its OK to bomb Kabul, Tikrit and Baghdad
You told us a hundred times how the terror regimes should be bombed,
So when Israeli tanks roll into Jenin, why don't you bomb Sharon?
 
And I say yeah, yeah,
Oh man, he's got bombs, and we're all gonna pay,
Yeah, yeah,
Who's next victim, oh who is it going to be?
Yeah, yeah,
My God, he's got bombs, and we're all gonna pay.
Gonna pay, gonna pay, gonna pay, gonna pay,
 
If you gave him an atlas,
He couldn't even find Afghanistan.
This is starting to scare me,
He's the world's most powerful man.
Know why your country's messed up?
'Cause it's run by a redneck Texan hick,
Who thinks he can do anything,
Because he's got the biggest stick.

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Hotel of the Healers

Parody of "Hotel California" by The Eagles

My second Lord of the Rings parody, Hotel of the Healers, formed part of the traditional annual Cambridge Tolkien Society silly sketches, providing a musical interlude in "The Lord of the Goons." It's the first time I've ever performed with backing singers.

By the way, the cheering isn't for me. It's because the backing track came from a live recording of the Eagles.

On the Fields of Pelennor, cool wind in my hair,
Smell of burning houses, rising up through the air.
Up ahead in the distance, I saw an army in black,
I was wounded and my sight grew dim, my men had to bring me back.

My father stood in the doorway, with the Palantír,
I was thinking to myself, he’s as batty as that Germaine Greer.
Then he lit up a pyre, tried to burn me to death,
Gandalf’s voice came down the corridor, he sounded out of breath.

Welcome to the Hotel of the Healers,
Such a lovely place; such a lovely face.
Plenty of room at the Hotel of the Healers,
Any time of year, you can find it here.

Now here comes Aragorn, to make sure my wound mends;
He got a lot of little hobbit guys he call friends.
There I lay on a mattress, not awake just yet,
Some sleep to remember, some sleep to forget.

So he called up Ioreth, please bring athelas,
She said, “We haven’t had that herb here since I was a lass.”
And still there’s Aragorn calling from far away,
Woke me up from a comatose state, just to hear him say:

Welcome to the Hotel of the Healers,
Such a lovely place; such a lovely face.
Recovering well at the Hotel of the Healers.
What a nice surprise in Ioreth’s eyes.

I saw Eówyn lying there, like a maiden of ice,
She said, ‘We are all just prisoners here, of the Healers’ device,’
She fought the Witch-King of Angmar (Théoden was deceased),
Merry stabbed with his steely knife, but Eówyn killed the Beast.

Last thing she remembers, her sword was melting away,
She wants to find a passage back to the battlefield today.
“Relax,” I said to her, “the Healers never deceive,”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

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I Believe (2004 Election Remix)

In the 1980s, the satirical sketch show Not the Nine O' Clock News featured a song called 'I Believe'. It was very funny, but filled with 80s cultural references that have very little relevance now. Even the punchline is no longer relevant - which is why I have stepped in and altered the words slightly, keeping the spirit of the old song, but bringing it up-to-date. I hope you enjoy it, even if it isn't really a parody.

By the way, I had hoped that the 2004 election might make this song redundant, or at least that I could change the last line. Oh, well - roll on '08. Then I can change the last line to "I can't believe Schwazenegger's president." :(

I believe that life is happy and death is sad,
I believe my mom was married to my dad,
I believe that things that aren’t good tend to be bad,
I believe, yes, I believe.

I’m prepared to believe that Ken Lay wasn’t a crook,
I’m prepared to believe Jeffrey Archer wrote a good book.
I believe the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is funny,
And George Lucas isn't in it for the money.

Yes, I believe Big Brother is clever,
That the Pope will live forever,
And that lever is pronounced ‘leh-ver’.
And the best film ever made was Saturday Night Feh-ver.

I’m prepared to say Mandelson didn't lie,
And that pigs and even Corcorde, they can fly,
I’m prepared to believe that Buffy’s really dead,
And that Monica never gave Bill Clinton head.

I believe some folk can hear what Robin Cook’s sayin’,
And that Baghdad is a real nice place to stay in.
I believe that aliens are really here,
I believe The Matrix was a new idea.

And I believe that the Devil is ready to repent,
But I can’t believe George Bush is still President.

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I Don't Like Windows

Parody of "I Don't like Mondays" by the Boomtown Rats

The silicon chip in my PC’s
About to overload,
And I'm gonna spend the whole of today
Trying to reinstall Windows.

And I just can’t understand it,
I’m about to do something rash.
I can see no reasons,
‘Cause there are no reasons,
Windows needs no reasons to crash...

Tell me why,
I don’t like Windows.
Tell me why,
I don’t like Windows.
Tell me why,
I don’t like Windows.
I want to shut the whole thing down.

The UNIX machine is kept so clean,
And the downtime's almost nil.
And even a Mac doesn't crash like that,
This is all your fault, I'll get you, Bill!
A gig of RAM, just to download spam,
I admit defeat, control-alt-delete.
We can see no reasons,
'Cause there are no reasons,
What reasons does it need?

Tell me why,
I don’t like Windows.
Tell me why,
I don’t like Windows.
Tell me why,
I don’t like Windows.
I want to shut the whole thing down, down, down, shut it all down.

And every process's stopped in the kernel,
And I want to scream and rant and cry.
And a slowdown presages six error messages;
All it seems to know is how to die.
And then the hard drive crashes,
And the blue screen flashes with the problems
And the hows and whys,
And I can see no reasons,
'Cause there are no reasons,
Windows needs no reason to die.

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Italy

Parody of "TNT" by AC/DC

This song was written during the World Cup (the soccer one), when Italy, after being beaten rather embarassingly by hosts South Korea, decided that they would take their defeat like real men, in a mature way befitting their status as professional sports players and role models. Well, maybe not exactly... in fact, they had such a violent tantrum that I half-expected them to storm off in a huff, muttering "just because it's your ball..." Then, to cap it all, the Koreans' star striker, Ahn-Jung Hwan, who had scored the winning goal in that match, was dropped by Italian club Perrugia. This song commemorates that memorable show of petulance.

See them go out of the World Cup,
On your colour TV screen,
They really hated that,
You know what I mean.
Why did they lose that game?
Was it the referee?
Did Hiddink cheat, or was it just,
A conspiracy?
 
Cos they’re Italy, they’re going home!
Italy, now hear them moan!
Italy, why did they lose?
Italy, they need an excuse!
 
They’re dirty, mean, and mighty unclean,
And Ahn Jung-hwan’s
Public enemy number one, understand?
He said the Italians were getting quite slack,
It may be true but it got him the sack!
They just won’t admit,
Their players are… not actually very good.
 
Cos they’re Italy, they’re going home!
Italy, now hear them moan!
Italy, why did they lose?
Italy, they need an excuse!

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New Enterprise Theme

Parody of "Faith of the Heart" by Diane Warren

I don't think I even need to explain this one, do I? Any Star Trek fans will recognise the completely inappropriate nature of the Enterprise theme music, which I have tried to make a little more appropriate by altering the words. So here it is, as sung by Brannon Braga after taking the truth drug...

It’s been a long road,
Getting from Kirk to here,
It’s been too long,
And we’ve run out of ideas,
But with no characters, and no moral themes,
There’s no need to be brave,
We don’t care if Gene Rodenberry,
Is turning in his grave…
 
’Cause we’ve got fans who will watch,
Anything, even Voyager,
We’ve got fans, who believe, we can do no wrong,
We’ve got fans, who will buy,
Anything with ‘Star Trek’ on it.
We can milk the franchise,
’Cause we’ve got fans,
We’ve got money,
And we’ve got the rights.

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Please Don't Vote for Arnie

Parody of "Don't Look Back in Anger" by Oasis

Surprisingly, you might think, this song doesn't relate to the election of the most moronic, brain-dead, cringeingly right-wing actor ever to waste screen time in our cinemas. No, this isn't anything to do with Ronald Reagan - it's a song about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now that he's their state governor, I hope the Californians feel proud in keeping up the tradition. Schwarzenegger for president in 2008? Stranger things have happened...
BTW - although the song has no explicit content, the recorded version contains a personal message from the Muscles from, er... Austria himself (courtesy of the Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard). This contains one instance of strong language - if you want to avoid it, listen to the clean version by clicking on the green icon. Listen to me - I'm starting to sound like a BBFC disclaimer. This song has been certified suitable for... well, anyone with a sense of humour as strange as mine. Enjoy :)

Californians are out of their minds,
Looks like they couldn’t find,
A better candidate.
They said that they couldn’t see,
A reason Arnie can’t be,
Governor of the State.

But one hand’s all I need to count the books he’s read,
There’s no more than two brain cells in his head.
Step outside, cars are everywhere,
You can’t see for choking smog,
A Chevy’s run over your dog,
But you ain’t ever gonna raise car tax.

Gray Davis can wait, he knows it’s too late, as he’s kicked out of power.
Tried to relate, ‘Please don’t vote for Arnie,’ but it’s too late.

You can’t tell if he’s lying or not,
So wooden he’s got dry rot,
He always sounds the same.
Please watch where he’s putting his hands,
‘cause you can’t trust that man,
Seems like he’s got no shame.

His acting’s poor, you know he always looks so fake,
Looks like if he smiled, his face would break,
You can’t work out if he’s telling lies.
He’s got hordes of loyal fans,
Good-looking guy with wandering hands;
You know that makes him perfect for the White House.

Gray Davis can wait, he knows it’s too late, as he’s kicked out of power.
Tried to relate, ‘Please don’t vote for Arnie,’ but it’s too late.

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Pretty Stupid for a White Guy

Parody of "Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)" by the Offspring

I wrote this song in honour of a member of the Ku Klux Klan who, during an initiation ceremony, fired a live bullet into the air to produce a sense of danger and excitement. He forgot, however, that what goes up must come down (apart from the price of petrol). The bullet returned to the earth - or rather, it was going in that direction, but was intercepted by the head of Jeffery Muir, the Klanner who was being initiated. He ended up in hospital with the bullet lodged in his skull, eliciting very little sympathy from anyone. To celebrate this encouraging trend, I decided to write a parody in memory of the day when the Ku Klux Klan just gave up and started shooting each other.

BTW, the recorded track is a preliminary mix, so it may sound a little rough. If I ever get time to rerecord it, I will do.

And all the girlies say I’m pretty stupid for a white guy.

You know it’s kinda hard to be a white supremacist,
You beat up on a black guy and the cops can get quite pissed.
They say it’s stealing their job,
And it’s just not right,
So if we wanna shoot someone,
We shoot someone white.

Well, the Ku Klux Klan,
Has got a plan,
Shoot guys you know and not the ones you haven’t met.
They hate blacks and Jews,
Now they hate whites, too;
They want the set, they want the set.
They’re so full of hate,
This is really great,
If we want them wiped out, all we have to do is wait.
We don’t need stupid freaks, so,
Hey, hey, do that Ku Klux thing!

Now Klanners aren’t that bright, you might think they’re all mad;
This is all the proof you need that cousins marrying is bad.
They call themselves “White Knights”,
They have “Grand Wizards,” and “Ghouls”,
But if you look closely they’re just pillowcase-clad fools.

Well, the Ku Klux Klan,
Has got a plan,
Shoot guys you know and not the ones you haven’t met.
They hate blacks and Jews,
Now they hate whites, too;
They want the set, they want the set.
They’re so full of hate,
This is really great,
If we want them wiped out, all we have to do is wait.
We don’t need stupid freaks, so,
Hey, hey, do that Ku Klux thing!

Now they’re getting big crosses,
To burn in people’s yards.
Billy-Bob said, “yeah, I’ll light it,
It can’t be that hard.”
Sloshed petrol everywhere, now he’s too hot to handle:
Lit a match and went up like a big white pointy candle!

Well, the Ku Klux Klan,
Has got a plan,
Shoot guys you know and not the ones you haven’t met.
They hate blacks and Jews,
Now they hate whites, too;
They want the set, they’ve got the set.
They’re so full of hate,
This is really great,
If we want them wiped out, all we have to do is wait.
We don’t need stupid freaks;
Wipe out those stupid freaks;
We don’t need stupid freaks, so,
Hey, hey, do that Ku Klux thing!

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Streets of Middle Earth

Parody of "Streets of London" by Ralph McTell

Having been a big fan of J.R.R. Tolkein's 'The Lord of the Rings' since I first read it, in the days before the new films came out, when the only movie was that appalling animated one that stops halfway through the story, I have come to appreciate convoluted sentences with too many subclauses. Be that as it may, I thought it was time for me to join the ranks of those who have written Lord of the Rings parodies - so here, in a shamelessly derivative way, is my take on that epic, modern legend... set to the tune of a folk song.

Have you seen the old man,
In the pointed hat and grey cloak,
Battling the Balrog, with that sword he has.
‘Fly, you fools!’ is what he cried,
And his friends all thought he’d died,
But Gandalf came back whiter than white; he must use Daz.

So how can you tell me that you’re lonely?
And say for you that the sun don’t shine?
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you through the mines of Moria,
I’ll show you something to make you change your mind.

And have you seen the Ranger,
Who walks the hills of Arnor?
Dirt in his hair, and his sword in bits.
He’s the heir of Gondor,
Though he’s not regal, blond or,
Even very clean, the crown still fits.

So how can you tell me that you’re lonely?
And say for you that the sun don’t shine?
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you through the hills of Arnor,
I’ll show you something to make you change your mind.

And in the Prancing Pony,
Four hobbits drinking beer,
Got asked for ID, they look underage.
Ringwraiths they are fleeing,
And barrow-wights they’re seeing.
Waiting here for Gandalf, but he’s otherwise engaged.

So how can you tell me that you’re lonely?
And say for you that the sun don’t shine?
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you to the Prancing Pony,
I’ll show you something to make you change your mind.

And have you seen Gollum,
Outside the Morgul tower?
Trying to steal back something that he thinks is his.
Though it belongs to Sauron,
He wants the ring of power on,
He wants to get back his precious from those pesky hobbitses.

So how can you tell me that you’re lonely?
And say for you that the sun don’t shine?
Let me take you by the hand,
And lead you to the land of Mordor,
I’ll show you something to make you change your mind.

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Super-US-Made-Ballistic-Missiles-are-Atrocious

Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman (performed by Julie Andrews, Dick van Dyke and others)

For those of you who couldn't guess from my appalling impression (i.e. all of you), the bloke with the American accent is supposed to be Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary of State for Defence. The beautiful singing voice (by which I mean the one who can actually sing) is my ex-girlfriend Jo, who kindly agreed to duet with me. With immense patience, she endured my rudimentary recording setup, my terrible sense of rhythm and my constant assurances of "you sound fine"... thank you, Jo.

Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious,
Even when the fighting and bombing are ferocious,
If you can make one hit the target, you’ll seem so precocious!
Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious.

When the US airforce tried to bomb the Viet Cong,
They couldn’t put their finger on what they were doing wrong,
Then, one day, a general told them, “Everybody knows,
The answer to your little problem, this is how it goes…”

Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious,
Even when the fighting and bombing are ferocious,
If you can make one hit the target, you’ll seem so precocious!
Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious.

When I was young, before I was a secretary of state,
I said to Ronald Reagan, “Saddam is our best mate,”
We sold him anthrax by the ton to beat the Ayatollah,
But when we tried to sell him missiles, this is what he’d holler:

Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious,
Even when the fighting and bombing are ferocious,
If you can make one hit the target, you’ll seem so precocious!
Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious.

So when we’ve bombed an embassy, there’s no need for dismay!
And when we’ve missed our target, we can blame the USA!
We’ve got a ready-made excuse, it’s really plain to see,
We got our not-so-smart bombs from a not-so-smart country!

Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious,
Even when the fighting and bombing are ferocious,
If you can make one hit the target, you’ll seem so precocious!
Super-US-made-ballistic-missiles-are-atrocious.

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What a Wonderful World (Yoda Version)

Parody of "What a Wonderful World" by George David Weiss & Bob Thiele (performed by Louis Armstrong)

I got the idea for this song when Anna, a friend of mine, mentioned the similarity between two famous voices - that of Louis Armstrong, and that of the Jedi Master Yoda in Star Wars. Although they look very different, the wizened, aged muppet and the famous Jedi have remarkably similar styles of speech, although mix his words up order in random some Armstrong didn't Louis. Nevertheless, struck by the resemblance, I began to wonder... what would it sound like if Yoda had sung 'What a Wonderful World', and Louis Armstrong had taught Luke Skywalker? The latter seemed unlikely (I can imagine Jabba the Hutt's booming laugh - "jazz trumpeter... ohohohoh... jazz trumpeter"), but the former sounded like a great idea. So here it is... Yoda's version of the classic 'What a Wonderful World'.

Trees of green I see,
Green swampland too,
Green I see them be,
For me and Luke,
And think to myself I do,
What a wonderful world.

Obi-Wan I see,
Glowing blue.
Speak in riddles,
You to confuse I do.
And think to myself I do,
What a wonderful world.

Do, or do not,
There is no try.
Size matters not,
A shortarse am I.
Old and wizened I am,
But a fighter I have been,
Too much of the Matrix,
I have seen.

I hear farmboys whine,
Like my stew he did not,
I know much more,
Than Mace Windu.
And think to myself I do,
What a wonderful world.
Yes, think to myself I do,
What a wonderful world.

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