Richard Neill

Richard is by way of by way of being a WCSO institution. A fourth year physicist at Trinity, Richard has been on the WCSO committee since 1998. In that time he has been Treasurer, Membership Secretary and all round father figure to the orchestra. As well as hosting an unbelievable number of fabulous parties and being the person who delivers the cake to the rehearsals, Richard is one of our flautists, and as often as not it is he undertaking all the difficult solo passages. Now to let the man describe himself:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike flute playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I have trialled for the All Blacks, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I taught Brian Lara how to play cricket, and Jonah Lomu consults me for rugby advice. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis racquets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in Sainsbury's. I have performed several covert operations for MI6. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only an egg whisk and a sandwich toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

My one character flaw is that I am a compulsive liar.

NB Biography based on an article by Hugh Gallagher — pll23