=** UCPO-misc digest Wednesday 2 April 2003 **=


        -Orchestra News
        -Website additions, and UCPO chat
        -The Best of Misc (short)
        -The Best of Misc (full version)



 Here it is, my first digest, and later than ever, I'm afraid... 3000+
posts in just under two months, so only 50 a day on average. Slackers!


    Orchestra News:

 Photos from the Annual Dinner are now online at
 € www.srcf.ucam.org/ucpo/photos/2003lent-f/lent03-frankie.shtml
 € www.srcf.ucam.org/ucpo/photos/2003lent-g/lent03-gnome.shtml
 € www.srcf.ucam.org/ucpo/photos/2003lent-p/lent03-paul.shtml
 There was a curry at the Tandoori Palace on the 1st of March.
 The post-rehearsal party/social scene is stronger than ever (contributing
to the bumper crop of quotes below). We also managed to take over the
Isis, CUMS II and UCCB post-concert parties (ditto).
 Oh, and we had a couple of concerts ourselves, which went well. Nick went
out with a bang, giving a thrilling Beethoven 9 (not to mention Schumann's
Genoveva Overture and a wonerfully polished Mozart Flute and Harp
Concerto) with Baby to a large audience at West Road. Oli, Mark G. and
Stephen brought Rach 2 and the Elgar 'Cello Concerto off superbly in a
sold-out Jesus Chapel. All in all, a successful term.


    Website additions & UCPO Chat:

 Welchew has added an 'Orchestra History' page on the site and updated the
committees back to 1995 - see memepool.
 There is now an UCPO chat channel on IRC. he explains:
 Just connect to kern.srcf.ucam.org:6667 and join channel #UCPO... or for
non-geeks such as Fred:
 1) Go to www.mirc.com
 2) Download client
 3) Run client (options screen appears)
 4) Click add, and put kern.srcf.ucam.org into 'IRC server', SRCF into
'Description', and 6667 into 'Port(s)'.
 5) Click add, select 'SRCF' in the combo box, choose a nickname and
e-mail address to use, and click OK...
 6) Click the connect button (left-most one)
 7) When you've connected, type /join #UCPO

 Many photos have been added, and the 'denizens of Misc' page will be
updated shortly.


    The Best of Misc:

 Very briefly (since there was so much): We got confused about who people
were, got angry with the US, and Mark got stressed as socSec. We crashed
lots of other post-concert parties, got spammed by Nick (who's not even a
member any more), and discussed sociolinguistics as usual. We compared
favourite pubs and '80s children's TV series, and crashed several
post-concert parties.
 Baby concert went well, and the party was rather riotous; the Elgar/Rach
was one of the main orch's best concerts yet, and also had a good party.
Posting in the vacation didn't slow down but got quite political, with
both criticism and defence of the current war.
 The stats were surprising, with Welchew in the top spot and a resurgence
of the old guard in the ranks.



(an enormous crop, due to delayed digest & many parties - all here in
chronological order)

George W. Bush, in his State of the Union address:
 "Throughout the 20th Century, small groups of men seized control of great
nations... built armies and arsenals... and set out to dominate the weak
and intimidate the world. In each case, their ambitions of cruelty and
murder had no limit."

Harris: " *dons flameproof trousers and runs* "

La la la la la.
Richard O.:
Clare K:
It still feels good a year and a bit later :)
Beccy H:
oh beleive me, it feels good for longer than that!"

Dave: "does anyone else feel like a character in a Russian novel? I'm
calling dibs on General Ivolgin in the corner with a bottle of vodka."

Welchew: "So how many sick boaties have /you/ pulled, Vicki?"

"James Percival   Puerta De la Espuma   jrp44  tuba con una barba dodgy"

Gnome (to Awix): "You lost your innocence to Nick? Ew."

Beccy (of Dave): "better than curry and chocolate"

Harris: "Oi, return my wrench, wench!"

Mark: "So I picked a number, added the number of fingers on my left foot,
multiplied by the number of bricks in Robinson, divided by 10^6, and the
number I first thought of."

Oli: "The only reason you're hairy is because you've got so much hair."

DM: "Has Pedro got his shirts back from those two girls yet?"
Richard O: "More to the point, has he washed them?"

Jimbo: "Pacifism at all costs is not a valid survival strategy for

Frankie: "I dunno actually, what /do/ we do with all these souls that have
been sold to WCSO / UCPO over the years?"

Pedro: "aah diddums... poor Tom... all of us jumping on him at once!"

Frankie: "je ne suis pas ŽlŽgant, plut™t ŽlŽphant"

Awix: "If 'Loquillo y los trogloditas' (scary early 80s quiffs and
everything) don't break into the UK charts by the end of the year I'll eat
my hat..."
(We have to hold him to this.)

Mark: "Matt, could you remind me when the baby dies?"

Chris: "Hide inside it disguised as a yoghurt?"

Francesca: "Rugby is an excuse to have gay sex, and football is just odd"

Beccy: "fuck I'm confused.  are pedro and peter the same person?  are jen
nadia and pete and alice the same people?  *crys*"

Beccy: "If I was german, I think I'd still bomb the bastards, just for the
hell of it.  The French are the enemy.  People forget that."

Chris: "On the contrary, rugby is where the sexually-confused first-year
muso can find out first-hand that having your head crushed between the
arses of two well-built young men is not necessarily an enjoyable wayto
spend an afternoon."

Beccy: "I am not fucking middle fucking aged."

Dave: "Kilt! Kilt! Kilt!"

Frankie: "i wasn't exactly drunk.  just mildly wined and dined."

Claire (?Pike): "Well surely there is, you just sit there and fantasise

JC: "I never noticed Gnomes fingers were that big...."

Welchew: "I'd make a good heroin addict."

Welchew: "Does anyone want torturing?"

Dave: "What that thing on a door you put mail through?"
Jon S: "erm, a letterbox?"
Dave: "Ah yes, that's it. It's not really a box though, more of a flap,
that's what confused me."

BBC News: "Magician to entomb himself in cheddar cheese for 48 hours"

Frankie: "With all due respect to Rob, urrrrrrrrrrrgh."

Rob "I said, be careful, his foreskin is really a camera"
(no story attached)

Dave: "My other hand tells me that Frankie wants 2 do trampolining

Frankie: "Put it away Chris"
Chris: "That's what they all say"

JC: "It's normal length, it's just very wide"

Dave: "Do you think throwing bananas is Freudian?"

Jon S. "His name is Matt Toms. He was a showgirl."

Unattributed medical seminar title:
"Testing the Somatic Marmoset Hypothesis." (Reward-Addiction Group)

Frankie: "To me they're these bloody great inconveniences I have to carry
around but to men they're just pillows!"

Mark: "We'll have a fringe orgy, with no women." (alleged)

Newnham Vicki: "Does anyone know what Marks been doing with Fan, Nick, a
courgette and an aubergine?"

Nick: "N.B. Mark a coma between Bars 202 and 203."

Oli: "Baroque music is good for hangovers."

Nick: "Metaphysically buggered. Hacked off from Harringay is too old."

Nick: "You can remove the closet from the masochist but you can't remove
the masochist from the closet."
Pedro: "Self-flagellation in a closet would be very tricky... Now an iron
maiden - that's a different kettle of fish..."
Richard E.: "Well, Francesca could install some sort of self-whipping
machine. Or just use something like a garden strimmer."
Nick: "Francesca...a pair of your shoes if you please...."
Richard E.: "Could I have a new mental image, please.....? I've just had a
vision of Nick conducting Beethoven 9 in DJ + high heels, and I'm feeling
Nick: "O.K. The new UCPO concert kit will be leather bondage gear. My
baton will become a whip...we'll have a fantastic concert..."

Frankie: "Does anyone have a very sharp knife, a file and a very small
plane that I could borrow?  Serious request..."

Rob: "Capture both a rock and a bird and throw them into the sky. The bird
shall fly free and the rock will thud to the ground. The bird is your
dream and the rock your anchor."

Pedro: "Can I wear your trousers, Frankie?"
"We don't know quite what Richard is doing behind his cello."
"I'm dodgier than Richard!"
Dave: "And he's only got a cello. Hubba hubba!"

Oliver: "I was trying to think of a good innuendo but couldn't finish it
"We don't have any principles in this orchestra."

Pedro: "Fuck Shostakovich. Fuck Shostakovich up the arse."

Beccy: "Legal and ethical issues liable to affect your research?  If you
write that essay, I'll start shooting cute puppys.  There's one, and it
gets you out of working."

Chris: "...you should have seen my inebriated perambulator antics at 8am
in the botanical garden..."

Pedro: "Whose stomach is it?"
Mark: "The same as the rest of the body... it's Chris'."

Mark: "So you're coming back for more Pedro? No! I mean more quotes! Ah!"

Harris: "Is Pedro action man then?"

Unattributed: "Are you all right there, Mark?"
Mark (presumably): "I have wine, I have a nutella pot."

Harris: "It did get odder. Mark is presently wood glueing a UCPO Baby
flyer to Pippa. He has to hold her for 30 minutes for best adhesive

Pedro: "This is hardly a porn movie; we're both fully dressed."
Jimbo: "That's how most porn movies start."

Jimbo: "Vicki is a bad topic to bring up at the urinals."

Norman Schwartzkopf:  "Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without your accordion."

Jon S (on post-baby):
"Quotes from the party.....
         .....are all far too abusive and bitchy to repeat...."

(well, nearly all...)
Harris: "There's always someone camper than me - and it's always Nick."

Nick: "Metaphysically, my tongue is a cactus."

JC, at 7:30 pm the next day: "...the hangover is just beginning to get to
me... "

A.M.C. Clive-Bailey (in Vignettes from Finland, or Twelve Months in
Strawberry Land - 1895):
 "Even Bedford is not as educational as Helsingfors (Helsinki), nor is
Brighton so well served with social amusements, concerts and theatres."

Jimbo: "I'll be the tall, long haired man wearing a carnation and a

Pedro, Sunday 16th: "PS A digest will follow within the next few days."

Jimbo: "Hmmm, Richard Edgar as Teresa May... Don't think leopard skin
kitten heels would suit him."

"1. Things I have learnt

a) Don't put parafin in your mouth
b) If you do, don't swallow
c) If you do, don't swallow washing up liquid to make it all all right"

Evan Dando: "Fuck George W Bush... then cut his dick off and shove it up
his arse... I hate that motherfucker, I love my country. That guy is
trying to kill all of us."

Beccy (to Phil): "at least you have cute cattle and deep fried mars bars.
Dave just has France."

Harris: "Sort of furry, and slightly rough?"
Beccy: "sounds like my kind of guy..."


    Stats - postings since 3rd Feb:

       1 free29845432
      1 hlr25
      1 matthew.bryant
      2 ih220
      4 keh35
      4 sak39
      6 ch301
      6 cjp40
      8 mrh30
      9 sjc64
     12 jmc85
     16 mit21
     16 rjc46
     17 clk25
     20 jah76
     22 rao26
     28 aks41
     32 camw3
     41 rge21
     44 ahfw2
     52 am465
     55 jpsa
     61 fi
     66 paul
     66 vcw25
     70 tjop2
     78 nasz2
     91 djh59
     94 os227
     95 rmr26
    106 var25
    110 fy209
    112 pgp24
    115 nw215
    129 mgp28
    136 jrp44
    146 pll23
    180 fes27
    192 das48
    195 rch35
    202 jds36
    205 jic23
    246 dew22
   3092 total


Memepool (not complete, or there'd be 150+. My personal favourites *'d):

http://www.srcf.ucam.org/ucpo/history.html -- first things first
http://www.cmug.org/ -- one for Alex
-- scrambled UCPO.
http://www.elysee.fr/actus/afp/afpfr_.htm -- politics in French
* http://www.privatehand.com/flashanimation/elements.html -- for
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20030203.html -- Jon
S: "Vicki and Welchew in 10 years?"
http://www.senddeadfish.com/home.asp -- just quite weird.
http://web.mit.edu/norvin/www/home.html -- Tom P: "Is (a) this bloke's
beard or (b) his name a joke?"
* http://uk.news.yahoo.com/030207/80/dsp3e.html -- pocketmoney for
starving musicians?
* http://www.globz.net/ -- the games are back, and more addictive than
http://sct.staghosting.com/index.html -- not that any of us would be like
* http://www.churchofchrist.pair.com/funnies/countrytech.gif -- ...ever.
http://www.sodaplay.com/constructor/index.htm -- thanks to Fan!
http://q3pr12.no.sapo.pt/ -- the old jokes never die. needs sound turned
up btw.
* http://politics.guardian.co.uk/flash/0,10291,893407,00.html -- hmm.
http://www.fbi.gov/kids/games/undercover.htm -- 'shock and awe'
http://www.stopwar.org.uk/ -- set the tone for a lot of recent discussion
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/2681923.stm -- Dave:
"recalibrating the parochiometer?"
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/2728595.stm -- impressed.
http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/ -- eerily familiar?
* http://www.ksrevenue.org/perstaxtypesdrug.htm -- worryingly, this one
appears to be genuine
http://www.snopes.com/photos/lioncut.asp -- sick, sick, sick. (I'm a cat
http://www.thisistrue.com/lavalamp.html -- once again, strange but true.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/2767761.stm -- all water under the bridge
now I suppose.
http://www.shac.net/ACTION/what/deloitte.html -- biting the hand that
feeds Rob?
http://www.quns.cam.ac.uk/Queens/Misc/Colours/ -- should we have an UCPO
http://www.jjdash.demon.co.uk/temp/Scarf.PNG -- scarf? suggested
http://www.cam.ac.uk/societies/archim/index.html -- & see sidebar for the
* http://www.io.com/~iareth/codindx.html -- cool guy.
http://www.fccacademy.com/Chris%20Phelps.htm -- this explains a lot.
http://www.firstandthird.org/tables/crews/2002/lent2002w2.html -- bless!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/2798157.stm -- I liked the
retaliatory action taken!
* http://www.silvers.org/humor/woodyallen.html -- Dave isn't random,
http://www.mercator-education.org/default.asp?ObjectID=2028 -- but this
http://www.srcf.ucam.org/cutc/index.html -- *bounces*
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=751443 -- Welchew: "Mmm,
http://shanmonster.lilsproutz.com/jesus/proof/index.html --
* http://www.geocities.com/pity_the_bearded_fool/ -- Caroline's college
* http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf --
http://www.wiolawapress.com/black.htm -- insane -- work? what's work?
http://www.geocities.com/robrich18/PullFreak.jpg -- "Pullman has no nose."
"So how does he smell?" "With his tongue, foppish lizard freak that he
http://www.dbeat.com/28/ -- what we've all been waiting for!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/2816167.stm -- Oli's blood
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/2814293.stm -- as does Jen's
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/2817093.stm -- Seasonal fun for Shrove Tue
http://www.nascr.net/~rgwill/eighties.htm -- yayyyyyyyy!
http://tv.cream.org/index.htm -- lots of 80s kids TV!
http://www.angelfire.com/id/tomorrow/pics.html -- ...and lots...
http://www.roundthetwist.com/ -- ...and lots...
http://www.mimicsproductions.com/playdays.html -- ...and lots!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2823717.stm -- confirms what we knew.
* http://www.theonion.com/onion3908/drew_barrymore.html -- just random!
http://nugs.net/stash.asp?cmd=dl&artist=-1 -- Recommended by Rob.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/2828295.stm -- ...so why Iraq?
* http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/mld/enquirer/news/opinion/5281218.htm --
seriously scary
http://www.transversal.com/paul/UCCB.tgz -- pcp in Jimbo's room (see
http://pageantclub.com/questions.html -- go Phil go!
* http://www.beandog.net/index.html -- as I said, I'm a cat person.
http://pis.zulu.dk/pis05.swf -- never mind the Danish, cool game.
http://www.natives.co.uk/news/2003/0303/12broom.htm -- "From the bored
orchestra member in exile who brought you all extreme ironing..."
-- had us laughing for days.
http://bencds.uboot.com/ -- "File next to extreme fish watching."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/2846879.stm -- oli oli oli go go
-- Alison eat yer heart out!
http://www.encoremusic.com/bassoon/2020005.htm -- fun for Phil & Karagh!
http://www.encoremusic.com/drum/2630069.htm -- & something for us too
http://www.applecollection.net/Crispyandfriends.htm -- good for you.
http://www.objectsfusion.com/games/snowcraft.html -- more games, courtesy
http://www.liquidcode.org/worm.html -- of Fan "Sleep? who needs it" Yang
http://www.liquid.se/pong.html --
http://www.commondreams.org/views03/0316-08.htm -- hackneyed but potent
* http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/if_youre_trigger_happy.swf
* http://www.americakokki.com/english.html -- v. v. good!
* http://www.aljazeerah.info/ -- good different perspective.
* http://www.bzzzpeek.com -- Missing UCPO during the holidays? Try this!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/2895217.stm -- surprise surprise!
http://www.srcf.ucam.org/~am465/misc/ucp.txt -- posted April 1,
-- Frankie enjoy!


    The Best of Misc (original version - v.long):

 A surprising set of stats - Welchew, with the Webmastership off his
hands, back in the top spot, while the pressures of work have evidently
been getting to Dave and Frankie. Beccy H. is also back in the top 5, and
Jon Storey a surprise new entry. Nick managed 68 posts - impressive
considering he'd left the list.
 We also gained a few more members. At this rate (assuming population
stabilisation in the next 50-odd years), we should have almost the entire
human race by the time the sun achieves heat death - but it'll be a close
 In the meantime, Vicki's boat club got glandular fever. We bitched about
the concert date changes, and Oli got confused. Pullman demonstrated
obfuscated German. We tried to describe Dave in five words (or haiku).
Maccies argued with non-Maccies. Mark got stressed as SocSec. The
lists.cam.ac.uk  authentication is hopeless. Harris had a 24th birthday
meal. NatScis complained they had too much work, and we sympathised. Well,
not really. We pondered sociolinguistics in Welsh, and phonetic
obscenities in Cantonese. Mark gave us elaborate menu choices for the
curry, and people got confused. Simon Cottrell became Misc, or vice versa.
Dave's blind date ended up in Adenbrooke's with concussion *sympathy*.
Pedro became UCPO, or vice versa. Nottingham got dissed/defended. Welchew
raised the anti-war flag. Mark was still stressed as socSec. Nobody had
enough Valentine's cards, or if they did it was even worse because they
were anonymous with disguised handwriting. Dave, however, had a very large
onion. We discussed possibilities for UCPO scarves (exciting colour combos
- see meme-pool) or hoodies (sponsored by Tescos' Generic Vodka), and
dress-codes for the UCCB annual dinner. Mark was wrong, Rob was right, or
possibly vice versa. Nobody could play in the Isis concert, but several
people did. Then people started getting confused about the menu options
for the curry again and Mark got /seriously/ stressed as socSec. KCMS
begged everybody to come and play Marche Slave, but everybody hates the
piece so didn't go. Everybody is, in fact, part of an UCPO hyperperson:
there are two, of whom one includes Phil, Harris, Becky, and more, while
the other is Pedro, Dave, Jen, Mark, Frankie et al. Nobody knows where
Vicki and Caroline belong, but they're certainly the same. One day the two
agglomerations will meet, annihilate, implode, and release unimaginable
quantities of energy, causing the birth of a new orchestra (acronym tbc).
If you're still reading I'm impressed - sorry it's so long but there's
been a lot of spam. Talking of which...
 Nick spammed us, despite having left the list. Mark got /really/
seriously stressed as the curry finally approached and advocated sleeping
tablets as a remedy. The curry, in the end, went very well. Nick spammed
us more and made puerile innuendi and lost weight, and we all missed 03:03
03/03/03. Then came 04/03/03 - "the night of 1000 emails but during the
day.  And with content." - 264 in the day to be precise. During the course
of that, ucpovites (sic) took over the Isis post-concert party and ate all
Dave's food, and we all told Phil we loved him, before moving on to
discuss the compSci course and the relative merits of Cambridge vs
Edinburgh on pubs and clubs, which led in turn to a discussion of the
various Cambridge pubs and clubs, eventually concluding that there are
many good examples of the former there are none of the latter, and college
bars, though nice, are neither; meanwhile, geology was being dissed,
Alison was being mysterious, and Nick was advised to give up giving things
up for Lent for Lent. At 7:23 we knocked off for the evening and had the
misc equivalent of the cigarette afterwards.
 Later, Jon blamed it all on Nick.
 Newnham Vicki asked us to estimate the size of her Eurekas. Nick and had
a slanging match, with Beccy and Harris on the sidelines. The brass
faction planned to secede from the Baby party in the same room by not
talking to anybody, but Jon Storey asserted his membership as a euphonium
player. Anti-Americanism started to heat up, but Phil still decided to
enter as Miss USA in Miss Catz. We assimilated the UCCB party in Jimbo's
room. Next night, of course, was Beethoven 9 with Baby. The party in
Burrell's field was... interesting... as Dave said the next day:
 Describing last night in a non-bitchy, non-embarassing, happy shiny way
can be done fairly quickly:
" "
 Much fun was had, though, and some good repeatable quotes did emerge.
Several of us went to hear Mahler 9 the next night as an original, and
effective, hangover cure. On Tuesday we discussed Madeleine Lovell (see
committee history), and sent a contingent to the County pub quiz - they
came 3rd. Wednesday's social event was the CUMS II party, also in the
Burrell's Field Common Room. Oli posted to the BBC website, and Nick had a
birthday, though he wouldn't admit which one (possibly 25). Still on
Wednesday night, Phil lost to Miss France and Miss Afghanistan, and we
even took the piss out of US beer (which didn't leave very much). Nothing
much else happened 'til the concert, and the party was sufficiently good
that there were more items of lost property than random quotes noted the
next day.
 As holidays started, posting barely slowed down, but began to converg on
the subject of politics and the imminent war (Fan's onion-tossing
notwithstanding). Some people was a curry on Wednesday the 19th; others
went to job interviews. In the coming weeks many also went to anti-war
protests, and discussed related issues at length - there was much
intelligent political debate which I won't try to summarise save to say
that we mostly slagged off the governments of the UK and US, and of the
40-odd active miscites at least 16 have been strongly against the war and
2 have defended it. Several others explained why they were sitting on the
fence. Nobody, meanwhile, could spell Alsion, Mark was still wrong (unless
it was Rob) and more Outlook Express users got viruses :-( We sent a team
to the County Quiz again but it failed to place, possibly distracted by
the political debate which had now moved on to the viability of enterprise
culture, the trickle-down theory, Bush's taxation strategy and free market
economics in general. On a lighter note, fish were thrown around with
abandon and a Welsh civil war started on-list (North vs. South). The
politics finally reverted to anarcho-syndicalism, and Fi tried to write
cheques in Welsh, with non-obligatory lenition after 'saith' (=having a
fag after sex, according to Beccy). Mathmos asked how to graduate. Vicki
learnt about drugs and fantasised about me playing the euphonium, while
everyone else abused me for not writing a digest. Mel won a boat race, and
we tried to describe Dave again, this time for his yearbook and in the
manner of Brian the Walrus. Fan became a molecular biologist. A plumber
with a moustache and a very large spanner came to replace Beccy's U-bend.
On Monday morning, Alex released his draft review of the Baby concert.
Welchew explained all about the carcinogenic properties of alcohol. We
abused Daisy(-ies) in her (their) absence. And I - finally - digested. And
redigested, like a multi-stomached cow, since this is so long. Once again,
thanks for reading this far (if anyone has), my apologies for the delay,
and expect another digest some time before the start of term.

Lots of love, and (those on the list) keep miscing (with all due respect
to the memory of Daisy),

Peter LeFanu Lumsdaine

"I shall cast out Wisdom and reject Learning;
My thoughts shall wander in the silent Void."
        -Hsi K'ang

©UCPO 2002-17, design by David Welchew