Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News


Saturday, 17 February


[00:00 AM] Gaaaa Ga Gan Gnaa Ganaa Gaa Gna Ga!

Along Happy Little Avenues, Happy Little Trees bounce along to their Happy Little Songs. Lamp Posts wave to bees as they buzz along and the sun smiles and bobs along to its merry tune. See a house, pink, and homely; treehouse in the backyard, sedan on the drive. A loved family lived here.

There is no sound.

Zoom in, through the garage, through a door. See a living room; an orange couch, a painting of a boat. You've seen this place before, countless times, on the television. They said it was real TV, the good stuff, the funny stuff.

There is no movement.

A residue coats the floor. Red, Yellow and Green. No signs of a struggle. Quick and efficient, in and out, no evidence linking who to when. Just some more names on someone's list.

There is no family here. Not anymore.

The television crackles to life. Faces swirl across its surface: Laughing, Crying, Screaming, Killing, Dying. Then, Static. The picture resolves to a lab somewhere. A blue blue blur crosses the screen, then, it's upon you, all teeth and muscle and adorable blue fur.

Stitches the S.T.A.B. reports:

Gnana Gnnn Gana Ganna Gaaa Ga Gaaa!

The Fuzzball is more than meets the eye

Gnann Gnnn Gaan! Gan Gana Ga! Gnaa Gnnn Gaa Gna Gnna! Gann Ga Ganaa Ganaa Gananan! Gn Gaaaa Ga! Gaana Gnnn Gana Gnana Ga! Gnaaa Ga Gaaaa Gaa Gna Gnaa! Gn Gaaaa Ga! Gaaan Ga Gaa Ganaa! Gnna Ga Gn Gaaa! Gaaa Gn Gana Gnnn Gna Gnna Ga Gana! Ga Gaaan Ga Gana Gnann! Gnaa Gan Gnann Gananan! Gaa Gn! Ganna Gaan Gaaa Gaaaa Ga Gaaa Gananan! Gaa Gn! Gaana Ga Ga Gnaa Gaaa Gananan! Gaa Gn! Gaaaa Gaan Gna Gnna Ga Gana Gaaa Gananan!

Gaaaa Ga! Gnana Gan Ganaa Ganaa Ga Gnaa! Gaa Gn! Gn Gaaaa Ga! Gnaa Gan Gana Gnan! Gn Gnnn Gann Ga Gana Gananan! Gaaaa Ga! Ganaa Gan Gnana Gnan Ga Gnaa! Gaaa Gnana Gan Ganaa Ga Gananan! Gaa Gaaan Ga! Gana Ga Gan Gnaa! Gn Gaaaa Ga! Gn Gnnn Gnn Ga Gananan! Gaa! Gnan Gna Gnnn Gann! Gann Gaaaa Gan Gn! Gaa Gn! Gaa Gaaa Gananan! Gaa Gaana! Gnnn Gna Ganaa Gnann! Gnann Gnnn Gaan! Gnn Gnnn Gana Gn Gan Ganaa Gaaa! Gnana Gnnn Gaan Ganaa Gnaa! Gnana Gnnn Gnn Ganna Gana Ga Gaaaa Ga Gna Gnaa! Gn Gaaaa Ga! Ganaa Ga Gnna Gan Gnana Gnann! Gnnn Gaana! Gn Gaaaa Ga! Gnan Gana Gaan Gnn! Ganna Gnann Gnaaaan!

...hang on. STITCHES! Get away from there! That isn't for you!

Erm… Greetings Pastries, Angels, Pokémon and… uhhh… Abstract Concepts?

The New Age is going well. In all the chaos a new order will rise. And it's me. I am the Order in the Chaos. You will all bow before me… etc. etc.

Look, you know the drill. When I'm in control I'll be able to ‘hire' people to write these monologues for me. Maybe one day I'll be able to work out what Stitches is saying and let him do it. Until then, you psychopathic murderers can make it up yourselves.

Whatever. I remain, The Gentleman Professor Incompetent


[11:30 AM] Bill Cipher underestimates Blue Eyes Toon Dragon's Willpower
Bill Cipher reports:

Hey Blue Eyes Toon Dragon! How about a deal!

You'll get to stop being paranoid, and I'll get to kill you and take your body!

Whataya say?

Blue Eyes Toon Dragon reports:

Hey Bill!

I quite like being alive I'm afraid, so I'll have to turn down your kind offer of being paranoia free, as much as that would be good.

Actually, that's given me an idea! How about I become paranoia free by killing you instead? ^^

Wataya say?


[12:05 PM] Artsiness, with a Point. By TheFourthKnock feat. Emile Ward (Ward Van Der Schoot)
TheFourthKnock reports:

Does friendship serve a purpose ?

The man who knocks four times was unsure.

He walked with wooden steps on wooden steps contemplating.

His friend Emile Ward stood at the bottom of the stairs, waiting behind the door.

The man then understood the purpose of friendship, knocked four times on the door, and shot Emile in the head when he opened it.

Walking the sunny streets the man reflected on the fact that he seemed to have fewer friends these days.


[12:15 PM] Pointless Art. By TheFourthKnock feat. an absence of Jean-Paul Carte
TheFourthKnock reports:

The walls were marble on the outside and drab on the inside.

The paths were straight on the outside and a warren on the inside.

He knocked four times.

Jean-Paul Carte's room was open on the outside but empty on the inside.

He will call again.

He will knock four times.


[16:40 PM] Green Text Guy types in Maroon? Maybe? What colour IS that?
Green Text Guy reports:

-Be me
-Writing an essay
-Notice competency is about to run out
-Ohshit.png
-Checks [REDACTED]'s timetable
-Sees she's not meant to have anything on the weekend
-Drops essay
-Screw this degree
-Cycles to [REDACTED]'s accommodation
-Disguises myself as an engineer
-Manages to convince one of her flatmates I'm an engineer and here
to see [REDACTED]
-Finds [REDACTED]'s room
-Gets gun ready, hides it behind clipboard
-Knocks purposefully on door
-MFW she isn't in


[18:10 PM] The Terrible Twosome Paranoid Hyperboloid and Undefined Behaviour treat TheBSMouse (Max Williamson) and Jason Funderburker (Tim Jepsen) to terrible tragedy
Paranoid Hyperboloid reports:

Undefined Behaviour and I waited outside Jason Funderburker's room for around 45 minutes and ambushed him as he went to dinner. Undefined Behaviour fired the fatal shot.

We then went looking for TheBSMouse. After getting no response knocking on his door, we encountered him returning from the kitchen with some food. He attempted to avoid the encounter by pretending to be someone else.

After graciously allowing him to put down his food, I opened fire. For this battle I advised Undefined Behaviour to run the hell away from TheBSMouse's unpredictable DIY gun. [Umpire's Note: The DIY Gun was registered with us as safe and legal (and pretty cool)]

Undefined Behaviour reports:

Today felt like a good day for some team hunting; me for my targets and Paranoid Hyperboloid for, well, pretty much the entire inco list.

Our first stop was the ACME Mainsburys-Adjacency where we paid a visit to Luminous Badger at around 17:15. He didn't seem to be around, and the corridor wasn't a great place to lurk, so he lived another day.

We then turned out attention to the ACME House of Sculpture, which proved considerably bloodier, but that's a story for Paranoid Hyperboloid to tell.

Monday, 19 February


[09:00 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon, The Girl with the Griffin Tattoo, Jean-Paul Carte. Two hunters, and a hunted
Blue Eyes Toon Dragon reports:

Trying to kill someone when you don't have much information to go on is actually very hard. Who'd have thought?


[11:00 AM] A Mysterious Stranger who looks remarkably similar to Professor Incompetent deems Courage the Cowardly Dog (Daniel Chiverton) 'armless as Yosemite Sam disappears into a lecture theatre
Yosemite Sam reports:

I met another hunter competing with me fer my kills. After a lecture on 'advanced vermin control' I goes and hides behind a wall and waits for this person to appear. As soon as he does I pulls my sword from my scabbard and chaargeee. He does the same but I slice his arm off before he has a chance to get up to any funny business.

Then I slices his other arm off, just for me own safety. He forgets to run so I drives me sword through his stomach and finish him.

He won't be bothering me again...


[19:00 PM] Bozo enters realms unknown in search of Babriel Worp
Bozo reports:

Went down to the ACME Dimension Hopper and Realmgate Emporium to stare at Babriel Worp's door for almost an hour. The corridor was pretty dead except for a group of shady dudes who were in the corridor quietly chatting in French near me, and then said a few words (like 'inconspicuous') that I felt might have related to me and saw one looking curiously at me, so I bolted, in case Babriel Worp planned to pull a Beatles and get a little help from his friends.


[22:45 PM] RumHam (Seb Shuttleworth) shows Bozo their true colours. Bozo shows RumHam a knife.
Bozo reports:

->As Bozo goes through the game, Bozo slowly feels himself losing his humanity
->What does it mean to be Bozo?
->What principles do I uphold?
->If friends can be killed, who is to be trusted?
->My arm throbs; it is dead. But one can live with a dead arm. Can one live without friends?
->Bozo does not know

Tuesday, 20 February


[13:00 PM] Kitty Kat and Pusheen recount an alarming encounter
Kitty Kat reports:

A stranger came up to Kitty. She was immediately worried.

"Are you Kitty?" The stranger asked.

Kitty tried her best to shake her head convincingly. "Nope, no Kitty here. Never heard of any Kitty around here."

The guy looked confused. "Are you sure? I'm pretty sure you're Kitty. I think I've talked to you before."

An awful feeling of doom began to set in. "Oh, of course, now I remember. Yes, I'm Kitty."

Fortunately, the poor confused stranger was not an assassin - just a bewildered guy wanting to chat about CR elections.

Kitty would like to report that for the duration of this encounter Pusheen was absolutely terrified. She would like to report this because:

(a) it is completely true; and

(b) Pusheen idolises Stitches the S.T.A.B. and will be super embarrassed to have her cowardly behaviour revealed.

Pusheen reports:

Pusheen would like to report that Kitty is a no good, lying assassin.

Stitches the S.T.A.B. reports:

Gaa! Ganaa Gaa Gnan Ga! Gnann Gnnn Gaan! Ganna Gaan Gaaa Gaaaa Ga Ga Gna Gnnaann! Gnann Gnnn Gaan! Gnn Gan Gnann! Gaaa Gaan Gana Gaaan Gaa Gaaan Ga! Gn Gaaaa Ga! Ga Gna Gnaa!


[14:30 PM] Bill Cipher unknowingly escapes Captain Redactor
Captain Redactor reports:

Ho there Citizen! After certain [REDACTED] foes found themselves to be too [REDACTED] implacable, a new evil has found its way into the [REDACTED] of your friendly neighbourhood [REDACTED].

The [REDACTED] by the name of Bill Cipher has been located, traced and [REDACTED]. This time he may have [REDACTED] my [REDACTED]. But know this Bill Cipher I know your [REDACTED] and you only know that you're going to [REDACTED] by Captain Redactor.

Soon, our streets will be a little more [REDACTED]


[23:00 PM] Bayon the Bricklayer performs acquires a 'business advantage' over the illicit Robert the Construction Consultant AKA Green Text Guy (Alex Craggs)
Bayon the Bricklayer reports:

Robert the Construction Worker was Bayon the Bricklayer's friend. But Robert the Construction Consultant is Bayon's friend no more. Because Robert the Construction Consultant turned against their values of friendship. Because Robert the Construction Consultant betrayed two co-workers, Light Yagami and Equinox. Because Robert the Construction Consultant, subsequently, became the icon of society's corrupted morals.

Therefore, when Robert the Construction Consultant appeared one night completely drunk in front of Bayon the Bricklayer, he was asking for none other than justice. The smile on Robert's intoxicated face must have been the smile he had on during humanity's toxic moments of betrayal. Using the hand that once held Robert's, Bayon the Bricklayer returned the smile with a bullet.

The punishment was more than merely a personal retribution for the fall of two allies. It was the completion of justice that was long overdue. Now of course, Bayon understands, when an individual's justice does not comply with that of society's, it is condemned and denounced. Soon, the dogs will be released to rip and tear away Bayon the Bricklayer, the outlaw of society. But it does not matter. When the mainstream establish the building bricks of society, somebody must lay the cement of controversy. That is the only way a strong house is built.

Therefore, when he walked out into the bright midnight moon, the air seemed that tiny bit more breathable.

Green Text Guy reports:

Be me
Almost-incompetent Assassin with a lot of paranoia
Killed someone on my corridor a few weeks ago
Bayon the Bricklayer on my corridor is still in the game
Keeps waving his gun at me but I reckon it'd be rude to shoot him for bearing
I always keep a hand on my water pistol when he's around
Over time I think he's just joking
I relax
Mistake.wav
Am also a Medic
Got into [REDACTED] formal thanks to another Medic
The food was amazing
Two 1.5L bottles of wine on the table
There are 5 of us and 2 bottles
Everyone else had one glass
I saw free wine
By end of meal I was asking other tables if they had a spare bottle
whatthefuck.png
Where did all the wine go
Stomach was trying to tell me the answer
Red and white wasn't mixing well with the fish
Ohshit.jpeg
Stumbled out of hall with Medic friends
Stumbled into toilet
Dinner didn't taste that nice on its way out
Not feeling so good
Realised I was in [REDACTED]
I'd cycled there
I live in [REDACTED] (far away from [REDACTED])
Noproblem.mov
Reckon I can cycle back
Am stopped by Medic friend, also from Selwyn
Tells me to walk back with her because she didn't want to scrape me off the road
Ha no, I can cycle fine thank you very much
Go 3 metres and hit a wall
Ouch
Walk back to [REDACTED]
Find approximate location of where I live
Flop back into accommodation block
Others are chatting in someone's room - they just got back from formal in [READCTED]
I go in
They don't really notice
I try to go join the conversation
Carpet comes and says hello to my face
I decide I'd rather not try and get up again
Start to go to sleep under their desk
Still wearing gown, suit and high vis jacket
Realise Bayon the Bricklayer is in that room
Normally I'd instantly go for my gun just to be on the safe side
I was drunk
I was sleepy
I'd hit a wall
I'd hit a floor
The world was spinning
He hadn't tried to kill me previously
I don't go for my gun
MFW he shoots me.
Twice.

[Umpire's Note: The Umpire would like to note that whilst killing somebody in this state of drunkenness is not illegal, it is a massive dick move, so does not make you look good in the eyes of the Umpires. Just, Don't Do it]

Wednesday, 21 February


[10:55 AM] Run as fast as you can Ori (Clara Ding), but you won't outrun him. He's The Gingerbread Man
The Gingerbread Man reports:

I decided to try my hand at baking the other day. If humans can do it then so can I, right? I decided to go for cookies, and had one to deliver to Ori today.

I found her outside a lecture, and offered it to her. However, as soon as I did that, the cookie leapt from my hand and devoured her face, and then the rest of her body, while horrified bystanders looked on. It looks like, being a sentient foodstuff myself, I can only make sentient foodstuff when I bake or cook. But why would it have been a carnivorous cookie? This warrants further investigation. I shall discard this batch and try making something unrelated to cookies next.


[13:00 PM] Kitty Kat encounters the nemesis of all Assassins: A Locked Door
Kitty Kat reports:

Pusheen, make yourself useful and learn how to unlock doors.

Pusheen reports:

Hiss!


[13:35 PM] Doors. Night Angel does not see the point
Night Angel reports:

I knocked on targets room door several times, no one answered. Left promptly afterwards.


[14:30 PM] Bill Cipher knowingly escapes Captain Redactor
Bill Cipher reports:

I saw that you saw that I saw that you saw that I saw that you saw that I saw that you saw that I saw that you tried to kill me Captain Redactor.

You'd better watch your back or else you'll see me seeing you seeing me seeing me seeing you seeing me seeing you seeing me seeing you seeing me trying to kill you.

Try Redacting THIS Assassin!


[16:25 PM] Sergent Chesterfield (Kanyi Tochukwu Joshua Onuora) is no longer incompetent. On accounts of being dead at the hands of Paranoid Hyperboloid
Paranoid Hyperboloid reports:

I went to Sergent Chesterfield's staircase. I waited out of sight of his room for a while until I heard the sound of someone moving on the corridor. Then this someone proceeded to open the door of Sergent Chesterfield's room, so I took a shot. My bullets pierced his body through a narrow gap between the wall and the door.


[22:55 PM] Hatman avenges himself from another life, killing the Wanted Mr_Pizza AKA Bayon the Bricklayer (Jaehyeon Kim)
Hatman reports:

Being shot in both arms may not have been enough to put Bayon the Bricklayer down, but taking an attack spider to the upper back certainly was. Let this be a lesson to those toons who prey on defenceless over-consumers of Duff beer.
Yours,

Hatman

Thursday, 22 February


[22:40 PM] The Portrait of Dorian Grey (Adam Reeves) lies torn. Paranoid Hyperboloid's gun is to blame
Paranoid Hyperboloid reports:

The supposedly impenetrable triple college isn't that impenetrable. How else would you explain me sitting in Dorian Grey's room for a while before he walked in, got shot and offered me tea?


[23:30 PM] The Mystery of the Double Death is over: Plinium (Al Kanavos) and Clarissa Moon (Zoe Cavendish) were each the other's victim
Clarissa Moon reports:

Clarissa Moon waited.

A dark and lifeless night.

Her accomplice approached.

They went.

He knocked on the door of the target, brought him outside.

Her target stood awaiting an answer.

Clarissa Moon raised her pickaxe towards his chest.

He dodged.

She chased.

He pulled out a gun.

As she sees it the events happened in this order...

She thrust her pickaxe against his chest as he shot her in the head with the pistol

Unimaginable pain.

Quiet.

Blood.


[23:55 PM] Inco cannibalism strikes, as Twitch eliminates Hungry Alan (Will Harvey-Powell) for their own redemption, with the help of Officer Jenny, Gentleman's Vengeance, and Eddie Valiant
Twitch reports:

My senses were tingling in the dark street where my companions and I huddled against the dark chilled night. When three bandits walked past talking about being paranoid and killing people.

A perception and local knowledge check proved successful, a wanted banner for incompetence matched one of the bandits.

All was required was a slow skip behind their unsuspecting backs and laser sword to their death. His friends mourned his loss and justice was served.

Eddie Valiant reports:

I turned my attention back to some earlier leads. The toons from the Toon Revue hadn't been all that happy to talk before, but with the screws tightening all over town, I figured I wasn't gonna be the worst option. Somebody'd talk.

Then a funny thing happened. I guess coincidences do come along. Word from the local cops was, one of the toons from the Revue had been mixed up in some kinda nasty business. I didn't ask questions, but people talk anyways. Corruption. Bootleg. Murder. The cops wanted him locked up before he could cause any more trouble. The mob wanted him dead before he took over too much of their territory. And me? I wanted answers.

I met with a coupla friendly cops on a street corner, late at night. We knew the toon we were after spent half his life in the music halls, so it seemed pretty damn likely we'd find him there tonight. We figured he'd run if he saw me – hell, he'd already run from me before – but so long as everyone else had the right positions, I figured we could make that work. He'd run right into their hands, and then everybody'd get what they wanted, sooner or later.

It wasn't just me and the cops, neither. My old buddy Jiro Twitch came along for the ride. Nice enough guy – bit funny in the head, you ask me, but a good guy to have on your side. The kinda guy'd watch your back so long as you watched his, y'know? And if you want someone watching your back, Twitch is your guy. Damn. I don't know where he picked up a name like that, but it fits him. I ain't never seen a guy so jumpy. People say it was the War – that's why he's always acting like a cat scared of its shadow, that's why he's got all those funny tics, that's why he looks like a man half made of metal. Everyone says the doctors were doing some kinda experiment when they fixed him. Nobody seems to know whether it was the enemy's doctors, or ours.

But yeah, nice guy, even if he did have a bit of a screw loose. I figured we had a good chance here. Solid plan, fresh intel, four good pairs of eyes. We'd set up a box around the area, and there was no chance in hell anyone could get out without us knowing.

Y'know, that's the problem with a perfect plan. You can't tell where it's gonna go wrong. Take a stupid crazy plan with an obvious gaping hole in it, and that's the part you keep an eye on. But a foolproof plan? Well, you just gotta keep an eye on all the fools in it, and hope like hell that you ain't one of ‘em.

Pretty soon, the crowds came pouring outta the music hall, and we were scanning the faces of every damn toon who went past. It wasn't an ideal spot – the gaslights meant I was looking at shadows anytime anybody got within range – but I figured it didn't matter. We all knew what this toon looked like; we could catch him out from a silhouette if we had to.

Time was passing, and the crowds were thinning out. I was beginning to wonder if he'd skipped out, when something happened. The cops were taking off after some guy, running away from me and Twitch. Damn. This wasn't part of the plan. I hoofed it down to the next choke point – he might be fast, but if I was lucky he wouldn't be fast enough to make it the long way round before I got there. He'd have to get past me here, if he wanted to go home tonight.

I waited. It took a long time before anything happened. I guess I shoulda known. Beautiful night, cold as ice, with the stars all blazing out and nobody here to see them. The sorta night where fools in yellowbacks say nothing bad could ever happen. As if the stars ever stopped a bullet before.

Gotta say, though, of all the places gunfire coulda come from, I wasn't expecting to hear it from behind me.

By the time our cops made it to the scene, it was always gonna have been too late. But they managed to find out what happened. Turns out we weren't the only ones gunning for mob toons that night. And it turns out that the toon whose whole business is never changing, never showing the least age or difference, ditched his whole damn look and walked clean past us. By the time we were running to the gates, by the time the cops were off chasing some other wild goose, he'd already made it halfway back to safety. Or at least, what he called safety. A guy like that makes an awful lotta enemies, and it turns out one of them was waiting for him that night.

So I cursed out all our rotten luck, and police incompetence, and every damn toon on the planet, and then we went back to a place with locked doors and moonshine and some kinda excuse for indoor heating. It took us damn near an eternity, especially after we hadda stop off and help with some "errands" the cops waned doing. But I guess that's just how it happens. The night wasn't over yet, surprises and all.

We're just about at the door of my place when I see a toon passing us by who looks kinda familiar. It takes me a minute, but then it hits. He's the other toon from the Toon Revue, the other guy I coulda spoken to. Small world, I guess. I tell the cops, tell them who he is, and it turns out they're after this one, too. I guess it wasn't a coincidence, all those toons mixed up in the same show. Then before I can do anything else, Twitch goes running off after them.

Now, don't get me wrong. He's good. But these toons were mixed up in some serious trouble, and I didn't exactly see this one ending well. I tried to follow him, but I was still a hundred yards down the street when he caught up to the toon he was after.

I didn't see what happened. I just saw the toon guy fall down.

Damn, but Twitch is a crazy bastard.

We did get one upside, though. He might not have been talking much after that, but I still got my lead. Some scrap of paper, crazy letters all over it. Didn't make much sense to me, but I knew it'd be something big. This had to explain something.

Friday, 23 February


[11:05 AM] Blue Eyes Toon Dragon should have looked up to see Night Angel
Blue Eyes Toon Dragon reports:

I flew to an academic building today, hoping to sink my claws into someone but apparently no-one comes here anymore. How disappointing.


[22:30 PM] Babriel Worp escapes the clutches of the deadly baby Maggie Simpson
Maggie Simpson reports:

Knocked twice, and lingered murderously for Babriel Worp. I was there for around half an hour but he was a no-show. How disappointing.


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