The Durham Reports: http://www.dur.ac.uk/assassins.society/cambridge.html
The varsity match against Durham got up to a less-than-prestigious start, when we discovered a traitor in our midst!. Under Cover of Darkness, the Traitor Formally Known as Adler had let in the First Wave of the Durham Assassins, to be ready to pounce at dawn.
All this was unknown the Umpire Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Adams-Pie Biscuit Gore Stringbottom Smith, who was helping her 'defend' her house. The Cowardly Durham Assassins didn't even wait for the Umpire to finish loading the Totally Insane Killer Rubberband Gun of DHHOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! before bursting in and slaying the Umpire, while The Traitor Formally Known as Adler looked on with calm, calculating eyes. With his dying breath, the Umpire sent out his final distress messages, hoping that the others would know not to trust the Treacherous One.
And so it began
Report taken over by the Scottish Umpire
Grabbing long black coat, rifle and Big Bad Bow, I ran down Grange Road, collecting a posse of crack shock-troops en-route. We laid seige to the house, and then killed a few more Durhamites. And then a few more. And then some. And then the last two ran out and were killed.
Final score as we make it, 9-1
Report from: Commander Sir Sergeant Monkey McMuppet, Taker of The Back Passage
Good Morning Vietnam!
One thousand hours: Assemble at Mill Lane. As "The Extremely Subtle Guy", I hang around and watch all the mathmos emerge from lectures. Mr Brackenbury and Ms Burton emerge, but disperse quickly, having been scared off by the sight of my enormous weapon. Woof.
A few minutes' wait brings Messrs Hogg and Osborne, fresh as a pair of daisies that have been out on the piss the previous night and then had to get up in the MORNING on a SATURDAY to shoot INCOMPETENT DURHAMITES. The Not-Particularly-Fast Staying-Away-From-Licensed-Premises Shoot-First-Ask-Questions-Later Force assembled, we proceeded to Ms Curtis' house, to "protect" her from the invading forces. A text message from the good Lady Stringbottom Smith confirmed our suspicions. Thus began The Siege.
After a bit, to be honest, we got bored. One (El Presidente, Senor Guy De Durham) had tried to escape out the back and got some serious CPS-on-assassin action. Another (That Damned Traitor, She Who Must Not Be Dry, Jen Curtis) tried to escape out the front and got a rifle to the ear.
At this point, reinforcements arrived. His trustworthiness, Mr Allcutt, and the lovely Ms Burton turned up, with a cache of heavy water weapons (in case we hadn't got any). Shortly thereafter, we were joined by the exceedingly subtle Mr Cripps, the slightly lurgy-ish Ms Chase and the underarmed but shockingly keen Mr Brewer. There then followed quite a lot of standing around and not doing much on the part of Team Cambridge.
After we got sufficiently bored, Mr Brewer hit upon the cunning stratagem of bombing the back door and buggering off to Hoggy's, where refills were available for those of us who had accidentally spilled large amounts of water all over certain personages. The bomb set, we (Mr Cripps, Mr Brewer, Mr Hogg and myself) left for Fortress St Chad's.
En route, we received communication that Team Not Doing Anything Until 12 O'Clock (Mr Brackenbury and Mr Biltcliffe) had intercepted a party of Durham reinforcements and eliminated two. After joining forces with said glorious heroes of freedom, we attempted to return to the house of the back-stabbing Jen, reasoning that this must be the ultimate destination of the remainder of Durham's "Team Omega".
Of course, superior Cambridge logic prevailed, and we intercepted Team Omega outside Ridley Hall, giving them what for and generally administering a damned good pasting. Score at this point: 1 Cambridge dead, 5 Durham dead, 1 Jen dead.
Not to be that excited by our success, we decided to take Jen's house from behind. Make your own joke about that...now. On entering the alleyway, we noticed a Durhamite (Dave, El Operatore De Las Finches) standing outside the back gate. A Mexican standoff ensued, stopped by the fact that he was outnumbered, outgunned and outclassed. Our friend from Durham then made a tactical retreat, slamming the gate and setting off the bomb which he had failed to detonate on opening the gate.
Much amusement in the Cambridge camp, and much dejection from the corpse, who informed us that one of their number, the famed Iskander, had killed himself with one of their bombs. This left but two evil invader types for the valiant Cambridge defenders to massacre.
And so they did. The sounds of gunfire echoed all around, and then were silent. Cambridge had won.
Cambridge: 8 + 1 traitor
Durham: 1 + 1 of their own
Jen: 0 (dirty traitor)
Durham Assassins Didn't Hold Their Drinks! Left Early! Drank themselves under the table...
Having had such fun yesterday, we said "Let's Do That Again!". At some as yet undefined time, the durham assassins moved towards town, shooting a Non-Player (Inquisitor (Cam)) at 10.45. According to last-known sightings, the Assassins are sitting in a cafe near Borders - eating breakfast. The accuracy of this should be treated with care until further investigation can be made.
Scotsman (Cam) in his incognito gear went down the hill to rendez-vous with Banichi (Cam) and together this pair swept along Sidgwick Avenue, and then up Grange Road to meet Pavanne (Cam). Espying a group of assassins leaving St. Chad's, they proceeded to tail them up the hill. Upon reaching Pavanne (Cam)'s abode, Banichi (Cam) rushed into the building on a daring suicide mission.
As the group of assassins left Castle Wolfsonstein, Banichi (Cam) snuck out of the toilet he had strategically positioned himself in, and killed two. The Traitor Formally Known as Adler (Dur) and Unknown (Dur) engaged in a firefight with Scotsman (Cam) who held them off until adam (Cam) arrived to help. Scotsman (Cam) killed off The Traitor Formally Known as Adler (Dur) after she ran out of ammunition. adam (Cam) completed the carnage by shooting the remaining member of the four.
Pavanne (Cam), Scotsman (Cam) and adam (Cam) then cycled/ran/ran off to Jesus College to relieve the rest of the Cambridge team who had the Durhamites stuck in a staircase. Having lost several people: Alex Cairns (Cam), Duncan (Cam) and, possibly, others the Cambridge team retreated. The final members of Durham made some attempts at running away before Iskander (Dur) managed to run all the way to a locked gate that he was unable to climb over.
And so they all died, but much closer score today - 8-7 to Cambridge. To celebrate, everyone CPSed The Traitor Formall Known as Adler (Dur).
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