UPDATE: Results are in!

Thanks to everyone for coming!

Mission Briefing

Once again, Cambridge plays host to the Intrigues of La Nuevamente-Democr´tica Republica Zanahoriana Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia! Latest news (by steamer) reports that El General Pelugoconsandalias Noxiano-Bigotegrande has staged a particularly vicious 'democratic handover of power' two weeks ago, on the annual Corquidicolandia holiday known as 'Coup Day', a national day of celebration (and hiding in your cellar) established by the deposed General Vagoysospechoso Noxiano-Bigotegrande to celebrate his own coup last year.

Under Pelugoconsandalias' rule, the sham Carrot Democracy of Corquidicolandia poses a unique and slightly orange threat to the security of the Free World. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to assassinate the foreign dignitary, this general, who will be visiting Cambridge on Sunday October 4th.

Once again, I should warn you though; General Pelugoconsandalias Noxiano-Bigotegrande will not be an easy target. He is certain to travel with the best of the elite Corquidicolandian bodyguard, Los Alamos ("The Llama Hunters. Our best agents have been able to compile a small dossier on this elite group, included below.

Our spies have managed to gain precise times and some detailed routes for the General's itinerary, and some further information on his bodyguards. We advise you familiarise yourself with this additional information!

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The General's Itinerary

The route the general will take about Cambridge is unknown, but we are certain that he will be visiting certain locations at specific times. You may like to try to kill him at these locations, but the bodyguards will be particularly vigilant there. They may also give you some hints to the routes that may be chosen; a clever ambush might prove very effective.

Note that the event starts off with hand-to-hand vegetables as the only allowed weapon, then expands to allow WWC waterpistols and Nerf Guns too. Only once the General has left the Ambassadorial picnic will full water weapons be allowed (we don't want to be eating soggy food).

11:00 - Project C.A.R.R.O.T.

It has come to our attention that Pelugoconsandalias' Ministry for Armaments has been working extensively with the University's department of Food and Nutritional Science to develop new forms of easy-to-obtain weaponry. Latest intelligence implicates a consortium of well known white-marketeers in Project Cheap And Readily Requisitioned Offensive Technology (codename: C.A.R.R.O.T). University press-releases report that the General will be staging field tests with a variety of munitions and finally 'going public' as part of his visit. Time is expected to be mid-morning.

  1. The general will acquire and test a variety of vegetable based weaponry in the marketplace.
  2. The only attack that counts is touching the opponent with a hand-held vegetable (please avoid stabbing, slashing, bludgeoning, etc!)
  3. No other weapons allowed (especially no rubber band guns or water weapons or larp weapons).
  4. Attacks on the head, neck or naughty bits are disallowed.
  5. Due to expected overcrowding, this round is walking-only and all vegetables count as poisonous so that limb-touches kill.
  6. Pay particular heed not to get or scare any bystanders; in particular, if an unrecognized person does not respond to you walking next to them with a carrot game-threateningly (but not real-life threaeningly in hand), they are probably not playing, so don't touch them with it.

11:30 - Outside the Union

Pelugoconsandalias has long been an admired of the Union, believing it to be the true power behind the University, and in fact the secret base of Illuminati of Cambridge, a shadowy order dedicated to absolute subjugation and misinformation of the student population. Naturally, he plans to visit and compare notes, on his way to his Ambassadorial Lunch.

Allowed weaponry: WWC waterpistols, Nerf Guns, soft toys, and hand-to-hand only. No rubber-band guns. This WWC is defined in the long-game sense i.e. the upper size limit is small Storms, xp 240's and max d 4000's

Intelligence has acquired a map whch we believe shows the scenic - and downright suicidal - route that the General intends to take to and from the Union, possibly in order to "test" his bodyguards. The General is rumoured to be "looking" for that Ex-Union President of Vice, the Duco del Aquacannonne-Hirsuitemafioso, while notorious Mafia Hitwoman Delizia Grazie is unlikely to tolerate such rude armed intrusion into her "territory".

12:00 - Ambassadorial Lunch

The general's spokesentity, Matzew-Garrot'em, has released an invitation to major diplomats of Western Europe to come and discuss Affairs of State (and definitely not Arms Deals) with Pelugoconsandalias over a diplomatic lunch function on Jesus Green. Many ambassadors are expected to attend, all engaged in the cut-and-thrust of statecraft in order to ensure that they end up with as many lucrative contracts as possible. Naturally, the occasional will deteriorate into a number of cliques and meetings clustered around each tablecloth, as nations scheme and counter-scheme.

13:30 - A Bridge Too Far

When general was told the story of the Mathematical Bridge, held together with neither bolts nor nails, he rapidly realised the potential. Corquidicolandia is riddled with canals, built to transport the general's favourite chemical (noxious DHMO) anywhere he might need it, and therefore also riddled with bridges, built to transport the general's Veteran's Day parade (attendance compulsory every Sunday) around the country. By removing and selling on all the metalwork to the Chinese, he stands to make a fortune, enough to feed the starving peasants of Corquidicolandia for a year, or purchase a new statue of himself. The general is a wary man, and wishes to observe others parading over it, so will be watching it from a safe distance, on another bridge over the Cam. Spies suggest he is particularly fond of Garrott Hostel Bridge, since it reminds him of his spokescreature.

Allowed weaponry: Full water weapons, Nerf guns, soft toys, rubber-band guns, hand-to-hand, etc.

14:00 - A postcard home

Like all evil dictators, Pelugoconsandalias is very fond of his mum, whom he made Minister for Cardigans, Turning up the Central Heating, and Embezelment, the notoriously corrupt Interior Branch of government. He is sure to send her a postcard, and we think he will do it from somewhere near the Real Tennis Club near Burrel's Walk. The general believes that lawn tennis is a waste of good llama grazing ground, and is likely to sieze the opportunity to firebomb the club whilst posting his letter. At all costs, stop him reaching the post-box. Having his mother think he forgot about her could forment revolution in the streets and finally bring this evil man down again!

Allowed weaponry: Full water weapons, Nerf guns, soft toys, rubber-band guns, hand-to-hand, etc.

14:30 - Newnham Needs You!

Pelugoconsandalias was given a subscription to Putsch! Magazine (the essential periodical for the up-and-coming democratically elected supreme warleader) as a gift on Coup Day. In between 'Top Ten Monuments To Vanity' and 'Inquisitions for a new decade' he found an article on 'Pretty Parliaments: Keeping the UN happy'. Killing two birds with one stone, the General is now looking to transport Newnham College red brick by red brick back to Corquidicolandia in order to rebuild his hareem (accidentally demolished in a fit of "overenthusiastic" lovemaking), restock his rather empty sham democratic institution, and replace the current bikeshed in which it meets. This depraved dignitary must be stopped from signing this contract at all costs!

Allowed weaponry: Full water weapons, Nerf guns, soft toys, rubber-band guns, hand-to-hand, etc.

15:00 - Trouble down t'Mill Pond

In the confusion of Padre Ricardo Gibon Gibon de Provechagrande's visit to Cambridge in 2007, he managed to lose a briefcase containing hugely important Corquidicolandian state secrets and cause the downfall of the general's previous attempt at government. Owing to an embarassing computer hard drive failure, Pelugoconsandalias will be meeting with his CIA handler in an attempt to buy back his own secrets, so that he can restart his 'Ceeeveeeleeean Nuuuculur Programmme'. At all costs, you must prevent this interchange taking place!

Allowed weaponry: Full water weapons, Nerf guns, soft toys, rubber-band guns, hand-to-hand, etc.

15:30 onwards - Lamas land - final battle

Animal activists believe that once again, Pelugoconsandalias, and his elite guard 'Los Alamos', plan to indulge in the 'sport' of llama hunting (with sniper rifles) on Cambridge's only llama plantation ('Lamas land'). It's been a bad year for llama ears, and there has been a shortage recently (mainly caused by Pelugoconsandalias' belief that 'theeeey grow baaaack'). In order to satisfy the general, we believe that the plantation will be attaching rabbit ears instead. Regardless, your mission is clear. Save the llama. You must prevent the general notching up another set of ears (even if they are rabbit ears), otherwise he will appear on the cover of Countryside Weekly magazine and gain the respect of the landed classes. Beware! Rumour holds that deposed General Vagoysospechoso has begun secretly arming the student and llama populations as part of an attempt to return to power!

There will likely be battles and capture the flag shenanigans afterwards for everyone to join in with. Then a trip for food and a pub.


Your Opposition

You will be up against the elite and apparently inexhaustible bodyguard of Corquidicolandia - Los Alamos - the Llama Hunters. Feared. Respected. Named for iResponsible for the elimination of three subspicies of llama, and working on their fourth. This shadowy organisation has been involved at the sharp end of ever major Corquidicolandian political upheaval of the past decade, with its middle echelons traditionally forming the government-in-waiting for when the next coup comes along.

Intelligence is limited on the operatives assigned to guard El General Pelugoconsandalias Noxiano-Bigotegrande during his visit, but the following names have been intercepted. The following shanky dossier has been compiled. Pay careful attention!

Coronel Guillermo "El Ptigger" Rieras

Dossier: Unlike most armies, the Corquidicolandian military commissions officers on the basis of their hair, of which the Coronel took full advantage. Once in, his approach of carrying twice as many guns as anyone else marked him out for success. Pigs will fly before anyone survives daring to pronounce the silent T in this big-time psychopath's nickname.

Professor Simon Bolivar Pajarograaaaade y Consombrero

Dossier: Famed for his love of large hats and large guns. No one is sure which he likes best, but one thing is for sure: this psyochpath takes salt on his bread. In his dossier is a snapshot showing this renowned boyguarding expert lecturing on the world's most powerful assault rifle.

Armaments Minister Dr "Passatderatlla Matamassa" Andreéz

Dossier: Former chief medical officer to the Corquidicolandian state, until his implication in the arms-for-arms bodypart scandal forced the General to promote him into Los Alamos. Rumoured to be working on bio-engineering llama-tiger cross breeds with laser eyes, to give the General more of a 'challenge' in his hunting activities.

Almirante Adàn Narizdesauron

Dossier: While not sniffing out the enemies of the state, is rumoured to enjoy reading Virgil on his luxury yacht, the flagship of the Corquidicolandian fleet and terror of the canals. Said to have sniffer-dogs in his ancestry.

Rules of Engagement:


  1. You are given the General's schedule, and your aim is to kill him (or bodyguard him).
  2. If you die, the default is that you resurrect 5 minutes later. You cannot use the intervening minutes to follow or locate the general but you can use them to run off and hide/reload.
  3. The only allowed throwing weapons are nerf darts and cuddly toys (if small and light). Nerf darts may be multi-thrown as in any case that's less efficient than a dartcannon. Water bombs are allowed in full water sections. Bang-kills are disallowed in all cases. Othewise, wooden rubber-band guns, water weapons, knives, coshes, and cuddly toys are allowed unless specifically noted otherwise for a section of the game.
  4. Blocking with handheld weapons allowed, ricochets don't count, no shields, no hedgehogs. Friendly fire definitely kills!
  5. Limb hits wound. Hand shots don't count if that hand is holding a gun, as it's hard to distinguish that from blocking. Nor do foot shots as shoes are hard to judge. You cannot abuse this rule by wearing boots: shoes end at the top of the ankle at most. nor by wearing shoes on parts of your anatomy other than your feet, though that might serve to incapacitate your opponents with laughter! You can't use any part of any limb that have been shot until after you've died and resurrected (mercy killings allowed). As not using limbs makes for more hilarity, we'll have the shoulders and the arse count as limb parts.
  6. A 1p piece's worth of water is a hit with a WWC weapon, and a 2p's is with a full water weapon.
  7. It's a dispute if two people disagree over a fatality. This is generally discouraged; get good shots in! Also, you resurrect after 5 minutes, don't stress it! Benefit of the doubt lies with the defendent; the assailant can appeal for hits that aren't certain but not for hits that obviously did not land. People checking themselves or another for a claimed hit are immune from fire for the minimal amount of time needed to do so; This is not to be abused. Any remaining disputes are to be resolved by the general, for he is Fearsomely Autocratic.
  8. The General's Event is only a game, and as such, should be played in approximately the same spirit that the Monster Raving Loony Party take towards elections. If someone shoots you, don't get angry - get even!
  9. The appearance of any bystanders (peasants) in range along the line of fire (including beyond where the two players are, as players can dodge but the public generally doesn't) usually requires temporary ceasing of hostilities, with word "CEASEFIRE". This can also be used in other cases of genuine emergency, like if somebody is hurt or is being complained at by nonplayers.
  10. No fighting across traffic, ever.
  11. The no-force rule: no pushing or ripping weapons out of other people's hands etc.
  12. Despite our weaponslist hopefully making this obvious, no even vaguely realistic looking weapons are allowed. Visits from the real Police tend to Ruin the Fun for Everyone!
  13. No-play areas: No fighting or brandishing in any of the places disallowed by the usual rules of killer. We will also try to avoid moving through college property as much as possible and suggest that you do likewise. Please exercise caution around busy roads and avoid engaging in fights across them. All play will be outdoors.
  14. The General's Event is not to be used as an excuse for any player's behaviour, nor are we responsible for any other groups of people wandering around with ponchos, Human Llamas or watercannon.
  15. You play the General's Event at your own risk. Be aware that there is the possibility of serious injury, as with all activities. While we try hard to minimise the risk, we are not infallible or omnipotent, and the possibility of accidents is there.
  16. All who abide by these safety, security and friendliness rules are welcome to join in.

Standard Disclaimer

By turning up, you agree not to sue any of us. We are not responsible for any damage or distress caused to your computer, your mental or physical health, your worldly goods, or your goldfish. Have fun!

Burn after reading!